The Greatest Fear of All: Being All Alone

 What if I am all there is?

I really thought that 199th post was my last one here. But since then, I've had a realization that being afraid of being alone is probably what got me into this whole mess in the first place. It's what got me down here on Earth pretending that I'm just a very limited little human for what's been eons of an illusion called time. I've realized that this one on ultimately feeling All Alone should actually be the final post, rounding the blog out to an even 200....

Realizing I'm all there is, realizing I can't go Home, is pretty much what I've been running from....

As I've said many times before, I've felt like I've been an observer most of my life--always on the outside looking in, not really belonging, not even really noticed by the rest of my world around me unless I could be used as a means to an end in some agenda. 

I realize that's pretty much how my divine facet--my own soul--must have felt when The Experiencer part of me forgot it was there. When I believed I was just some very-limited, little human speck trying to survive. And trying to be at least half-ways decent in the process.

All those lifetimes spent trying to make myself perfect for some entity out there I presumed was greater than myself. Back when I didn't realize my own soul was right here the whole time waiting for me to just reach that point of separation and naturally wake up from the I'm Just a Little Human Dream....

Q: "Who am I?"

A: I was whooshed through a tunnel of light and non-burning flame, pressure on my head, hair streaming behind me, and felt myself emerge into nothingness--a misty, gray void where I was aware of being, but I was formless as I "looked outward" into a vast space. I seemed to be the only one here, yet I wasn't afraid. Finally, I perceived a tiny bubble passing through....and then, a few more...

I have watched people around me seeking a mate, a best friend, or some group of people--a family, a circle of friends, a spiritual or religious organization, political party, business, etc.--with whom they felt a sense of belonging, of BEING SEEN as an important part to the larger whole. It was so damn easy to recognize this struggle in someone else and yet refuse to look at myself. Frankly, I was actually wanting the exact same thing all those others were. I just couldn't quite admit it to myself....

No matter how loosely formed a group is, the Sexual Energy Virus is going to sneak in there because of our natural tendency to focus on the outer world and try to manage it. That's what's happening within any group....

There is a group focused on consciousness that, for the most part, I felt was a safe and sacred space to be most of the time. But there have been a few moments through all the years I've connected with them where I felt unappreciated--actually unnoticed even--as the individual that I am. 

Being the cheerleader of everyone else out there and ultimately still feeling insignificant, unacknowledged, completely unseen....

I'd feel sincerely grateful and cheer the leading individuals in this organization on when something they did or said really resonated with me--and it often did, and was right in line with my own realizations of the moment--but my personal efforts of reaching out one-to-one was never reciprocated. I'd constantly tell myself it didn't matter, that being noticed wasn't my reason for reaching out....and....it actually did matter to me, and being noticed was at least one reason.... 

What I got for my financial and energetic support and my personal notes of thanks was an autographed Christmas card sent out en masse and a couple special channels for all of us as a group who donated on a recurring, scheduled monthly basis. I recognized that in the consciousness we were in, they needed the finances from donations and workshops to provide their special services to a growing number of people awakening around the world--and I fully supported that. I still do. But ultimately, it still lacked the personal fellowship I was looking for.

We humans want to both belong....and....

to be outstanding in that....

In retrospect, I see now that all I was ever seeking was meaningful personal interactions, and, realistically, the organization was never set up to be every individual's best friend. Their mission was always that of just letting all of us humans know we weren't alone, in that, while we each were lone, sovereign creator beings basically in our own worlds, there were others like us out there. 

Humans try everything in the book to see if we actually matter to anyone else in the world out there. We get sick--even chronically or terminally so--just to see if someone cares. And if someone actually does, it's strangely not enough either. Or those caregivers seem to get mad at you because of having to take time out to wait on you instead of living their own life. Go figure....

We bully and abuse others and we let ourselves be abused just to get some attention. We look for someone to commiserate with who has the same type of story going. Only they could possibly have a semblance of an understanding of what we're going through. But after awhile, even that gets old--at least, all of it does for me.

Social media "friendships"--it's turned out I can pretty much live happily without them....

The friendship I extended to some individuals on social media sites seemed to actually mean nothing to them. I seldom, if ever, got a response back from some of them, or if they did respond, it ended up being spam. 

I'd probably have more interaction with people if I invited more than the handful I currently have to be my friends. I just got so fed up with the whole social media experience by the time we got to the end of 2020, that I cancelled my accounts. I got picky about inviting too many followers when I rejoined Twitter (now X), when Musk bought it and made Free Speech the basis of its platform. I paid for a blue check to make my blog a bit more visible on X, to let myself say and publish whatever I want to say, but that's pretty much all it gets used for these days. For that, and for keeping an eye on the events of the world without getting too involved in any of it.

I left Facebook because it was all ads, biased narratives, and agenda-ridden; and it was used to provoke fights among friends and family. I watched as it was used as a platform to divide a nation, and a world. 

There were a couple people on there I once thought were actual friends, who never responded to my supportive or appreciative comments on their postings. The one-time interaction one of them had with me was to comment on my posting about the censoring of free speech. He said, "I don't know why people are so upset about 'facts.'" This, after another supposed mutual friend of ours turned me into FB's "fact-checking" fascists. 

Yep, that experience still rankles....You're sitting down visiting with your friends, having coffee--who invites a third party in to regulate and biasedly "fact-check" your conversation according to an opinion out there? Some friendship that is. That was started simply to divide and conquer, and I watched way too many people get sucked into ruining friendships. I haven't cared to interact with those individuals ever again. 

So much for social media being used to connect a world....some people just want to fight and argue and don't care about actually listening and interacting with joy and celebration of ourselves and each other....

Social Media--that one big group out there dependent upon technology.

So is the joy of social media for us little fishes in the huge ocean that is mass consciousness. It's pretty rare that most of us humans actually stand out in it. I'm not into branding or trying to play the latest role of "influencer." I don't vlog or much care to see myself on the screen. I'm making zero bucks writing this blog. 

Watching all these celebrities threatening to leave the USA if Trump gets elected--well, they're just silly and deluding themselves if they think that anyone else actually cares where they live. For me, if I've admired their work in the past, I suddenly find myself not wanting to watch or listen to anymore of their creations--past, present, or future. They've essentially ruined their own connection with me by going political. And those threatening X (to leave it or to sue it) for its free speech platform cause me to wonder what personal shame they're each trying to keep hidden. 

Social media didn't exist for most of my life, and it is essentially a reliance upon technology as a means of connecting. The question is, though, is it serving me by helping me to connect with my outer world the way I really desire to connect--to connect from the heart? Or am I just feeding and eating a diet of mass consciousness B.S.?

I rationalized people's not responding to my attempts to connect via social media or the internet by telling myself, "They're busy doing all this stuff. I don't want to waste their time. I don't want to take them away from doing their important work. I don't want to be a pain in the ass."

I've pretty much spent most of my life not wanting to be a burden in any way, shape or form--it's often had me spending way too much time guessing if I should reach out or not. Am I being an intrusive imposition to someone? It's an old, wounded aspect that's been running my life, and I'm feeling myself finally telling it, "Shut the effenheimer up, you tantrum-throwing, life-hogging little bastard!" It's cramping my enjoyment of my own life.

If I'm not worthy enough in my own perception of myself--if I have so little appreciation of myself in my own reality--then I'm certainly not going to get a sudden boost of gratitude and esteem from anyone or any group outside of me. And certainly not on social media. Because all of that out there is just a reflection of me interacting with myself. It's a conversation that's been on a loop in my head.

My internal narrative has to change to seeing that I'm really all there is--and if I'm not embracing that and celebrating that then no one else will either....

Whether it was a group or simply a relationship with one other person, I  ALWAYS found myself giving up at least a smidgen of an iota of my own sovereignty--and even a smidgen of an iota ended up feeling like too much....and....

that always ended up with me feeling all alone....even with others....

Someone in a group would come up with some project and we were told to jump on the supportive bandwagon because what "they" were doing represented all of us. That irked me, too. Where the hell was I in all of this? And, yes, in all transparency--if you're sensing some anger in me, you'd be right on. I have felt betrayed, and I've found myself leaving certain groups. Then returning. Then leaving again, returning again, and finally now letting it all go. Yep, for awhile, at various times throughout my relationships with others out there, I've been one pissed off Penny (this as I'm shaking my head, grinning at myself).

I sometimes felt lumped into one glob of humans that didn't represent where I was at the time--you know, like when the teacher punishes the whole class for the antics of one or a few students who didn't have any consideration for others. Whiners and complainers (squeaky wheels) would state something, saying they represented many of us others in the group--but it didn't represent me. Not really. 

I've just had it with somebody presuming they are, or that someone else is, speaking on my behalf. I am truly the only one who can represent or speak for myself....period. 

We may all be candles, but our individual light is the only of its kind: 

Don't blur me in with the others....

It's not in me to complain about something in a group when somebody else is at the forefront actively doing all the work and often taking the brunt of all the criticism. In fact, I've found myself defending those people, energetically protecting them. It's their prerogative to do however they see fit if they've gone to all the effort of creating an organization that reflects their own values and desires of being of service. I don't expect or want others to tip-toe around trying to please me.

Nor is it my place to judge anyone. While I sometimes do disagree with other's ideas, I know I can always leave and do my own thing. Whining in an attempt to control or manipulate others in order to get one's way--the sexual energy virus--is something I have zero tolerance for anymore.

And....I've recognized that ultimately this whole wanting to belong to an outer world--a group, even a family--is essentially the Sexual Energy Virus in a nutshell. We're trying to fit into an out-there world simply because we're afraid of being in here, all-seemingly-alone....

I don't really belong in any group....

In my own perception, I'm naturally always going to be at the forefront, standing out within myself, and being truly seen only by me, and only as much as I'll allow myself to see....

One thing I do appreciate about myself is, no matter what, regardless of whether someone's gifted me with something precious or something crap--I will always get to the sense of feeling gratitude for the experience because, even in the worst cases, I recognize that I gleaned some gem of wisdom from them. It's not always immediate, sometimes even taking years--but, ultimately, I'll always get to that place of grace....I know that without a doubt....

I'm realizing that maybe I should focus all that cheerleading of others on myself....

I could leave right now and no one would really care....life here will go on without missing a beat....

It's a sobering thought. One I've had many times through the years, especially in those moments of realizing that, in my world, I'm truly the only one who sees me and can fully appreciate my own life, my beingness, my highest perspectives....

No one else is really going to care about my leaving this world, because in their own world it's really only about themselves, too. For all of us it's about how that loss of someone else affects us--how we feel about our own life with and without them--if it does at all.

The old programmed hypnosis wants to kick in and chastise, "That's selfish! That's no way to be!" Yeah, well, it's been my realization that accusations like that only come from someone who's not really in touch with themselves or their own soul....

I really am all there is--it's just me and my soul and our wisdom gained from me playing in my own creations....

and....when I do go, my one-of-a-kind world--my reality as only I know it--goes with me....

Now that I realize I'm all alone can I be okay with that?

It's really what's been happening all along--I just refused to fully feel into it until I was truly ready.

All this time I've simply been terrified of being all alone. It's been THE ghost haunting my entire existence. And it went viral before I ever donned a human costume....

I closed up into a defensive ball, stopping the natural flow of my personal field of energies. Got all stuffed up, blocked off, out of kilter. Just like what happens with any physical cold or flu virus--I shut down. I stopped creating anything new while I battled with symptoms. I was focused out there trying to manage and wrangle with those outside mirrors of me--those often painful reflections that were only just showing me how I was being at odds within myself.

And just as with any of those physical viruses, once you get through it, you come out stronger, your immunity greater than it was going in.

I also gained something precious: a better, more appreciative understanding of myself--wisdom is what we call it....

I may be ALL there is....I may be A-LONE, sovereign creator--a pinpoint of consciousness aware of its existence, and playing in and with its own creations within its own energy field....and....I'm finally feeling like I'm okay with that....

I SEE ME and I feel GRATITUDE for being me in all my ways--dark and light and everything in-between--and to me, that's all that matters. I will always have a safe and sacred space with my soul, with its constantly-increasing wisdom, and with my entire body of consciousness, whatever form it takes. I will always be okay within my own personally created realities regardless of how the stories play out in them, even should I appear to die. I exist--eternally so....

I can pretend to be a part of a group and still find myself all alone....and that's okay....

I can still play in relationships with others, but the pressure is off regarding whether I'm seen or not by them. It just doesn't really matter, after all....because I always have All of ME....

Coming Full Circle, Going Quantum....

The mysteries I puzzled over for lifetimes have become "My Stories."

These are my stories of what it was like being in the mists, and then awakening from the I'm-just-a-little-human-puppet dream. Then came the experiencing of what that whole process was like as I unfolded into a brand new way of being--physically, emotionally, mentally and consciously (or what many humans think of as "spiritually").

I also realize this blog was my practice in trusting myself, my own inner knowingness about who I really am and what truly matters to me. It's turned out to be an auto-biography of a pretty average, ordinary-feeling human being who discovered she was so much more than she ever imagined....

And....I love, that eventually, every being will discover that for themselves, as well. No need to be saved at all....you'll naturally just remember when it's your time to remember....There is so much to celebrate about yourself--we are truly magnificent, courageous beings--every single one....

Feeling like an alien in your own world? Been through some dark nights of the soul?

The Good News is You are Awakening....

The difficult thing is you're going to lose everything, even your identity, as you release your burdens and move into realization, or enlightenment, because you're so much more than that story you've had playing out....

I've always felt like a bit of an outsider looking in. Then I experienced some Dark Night of the Soul moments where the beliefs I'd founded my life upon were falling apart, draining away like water through a sieve. At times it felt like I was hurtling through a tunnel trying to grab hold of something, anything that would give me some sense of balance, of stability--of safety--so I could stop and take a few good deep breaths before diving in some more.

I wouldn't personally discover Crimson Circle and other like-hearted people around the world called Shaumbra until 2004. However in 1999, is when Tobias put out the call to bring us all together. He helped us create a safe and sacred space to be after having spent much of our current lives feeling alone, like misfits struggling to simply survive in the belief systems of the world around us.

Ascended Master, Adamus St-Germain took over the Shouds of Crimson Circle in August of 2009, after Tobias left after his ten years of service to incarnate here with the explicit purpose of experiencing life on Earth as an embodied master. In his previous last incarnation, Tobias crossed over--"died"--shortly after his realization, after his consciousness opened and ascended.  So he didn't opt to go any further in that last lifetime, and this was his chance to return and to be here with the rest of us for this grand awakening of human consciousness around the planet.

When Tobias left, his main message was this: "Remember, you really never did anything wrong, ever...."

Believe you me--I needed to hear and truly understand that, as I was carrying around a whole lot of guilt, shame, misery and regret--and fear of harming anyone or anything.

The most difficult question of all:

"How do I cope with the evil I have done?"

This has been the question staring me in the heart my entire life, probably more than just this lifetime, probably most of my existence....it's haunted me....

I know this is all just an illusion--a "Let's Pretend" game where no harm is truly done. Yet, the hardest aspect for me to accept has been the realization of just how evil I or other life expressions of my soul could be in this grand illusion of a game. "How could you do that?" As I curl up into a ball of shame, deep regret, devastation and self-revulsion at the memories that I don't want to remember, I know it's the core energy of the concept many religions consider as all humans being "born in sin." Some imperfections feel awfully atrocious and hideous--and I don't like looking at them or reliving them ever again.

How do I handle living joyfully and abundantly knowing that I was capable of, and even committed, such horrendous acts? How do I live with that knowledge? Knowing that a cancer like that is a potential of experiences originating from within my own soul? Why did my soul allow me the freedom to fall that far, to shatter itself apart so immensely that some parts of it got so lost, so bloodthirsty, so power-hungry? So utterly broken and madly insane....

It feels worse than having been the victim in such stories. How did Judas live with betraying Jesus--an act that led to that horrific crucifixion? How did Paul live with having been the guy named Saul who persecuted so many Christians before he had his own realization of the Christ consciousness within? How do I live with having been The Dark Lady in that other lifetime of my soul? I've been bearing her branding on my cheek for all to see....

The only way of accepting and releasing the hard-to-contemplate acts that humans have committed is by realizing that some intrinsic part of me--of all of us--has always known that it's just a game where none of it truly matters....so no one did anything wrong ever--not really....

We were young beings, little kids throwing themselves into playing out stories of "Let's Pretend this, Let's Pretend that...." Poof! It's just an illusion of a story with good guys and bad guys....and....

Ultimately--because of courageously being immersed in so many points of perspective, from having played such a variety of roles of being limited in awareness of who we really are--WISDOM for my soul and for your soul has been gained....

All while remembering somewhere deep within ourselves that it's just a good acting job....

The thing is, all the self-doubt, all the self-unworthiness--all that stems from having played out those nightmarish roles, all done out of love for our own divinity. To help it understand who and what it is. And it's only my own soul that can truly help me come to terms with it....

Thank you, my beloved humanity....for everything....you discovered the concept of LOVE for all that is, for my own soul. To go to such lengths....

"I accept total responsibility for my entire life--all my experiences and all my perceptions...."

Adamus told us we couldn't go any further with him unless we stated and signed this statement: "I accept total responsibility for my entire life. (All my experiences. All my perceptions)."

The point was, that in order to go forward, we had to become aware of when we were feeling victimized, and learn how to shift our perspective or viewpoint around to see the gift we were discovering about oneself in someone or something attacking us. 

"If it's in my life, I alone put it there, and I am getting some benefit from it. No one is doing anything to me that I'm not allowing to happen in the first place. Thus, I am the ONLY one who can release myself from it--or basically choose to let it all go."

Adamus said having more energy come in to serve us meant that if we insisted on being the victim in our stories, then having MORE energy meant we were going to experience being the victim worse than ever before....We had to learn to release our stories and identities, and open up our personal energy fields--be vulnerable enough to let our energies flow freely instead of trying to control and monitor them. To quit holding them.

"Bring that which is hidden out into the Light...."

Adamus also told us it was time to come out of hiding--the Quantum Leap in planetary consciousness of 2007 meant we were safe now and wouldn't be tortured and martyred as we'd experienced in past lifetimes. It was the time now to let ourselves tell our stories, express our own truths--to practice trusting oneself enough to just lay it all out there. Let our own lights shine....

He told us to get creative and to let it flow in whatever means suited the individual. I had earlier used writing as a means to get to the core of a childhood shame. I had written my story and my perceptions and feelings down back in the late nineties; and I printed off a couple dozen copies and shared it with individuals I'd felt nudged to give it to to read. It was liberating. Around the time Adamus encouraged us to come out of hiding, I had a friend who'd started a blog, and that inspired me in learning how to create my own. Thus, my online journaling began. 

I made the commitment from the beginning to be honest with myself, first and foremost. And that I had to be authentic about how I was really feeling and about the thoughts that were going through my mind, along with being unconditionally accepting and compassionate with myself. I also had to take full responsibility for creating the experiences I was getting and for shifting my perspective around so I could see the gift of everything in my life in the moment at hand. Often that meant expanding my viewpoint out in order to see things from the broadest perspective of all--that of my soul. The human's perspective was too limited to be completely no-strings-attached accepting. Especially of myself.

I've been writing this blog for 14 years, beginning the 27th of August, this month, my first post being With this Body.... This final entry will be post number 199. Pretty hard to believe I've put down and published that many words....and....it was so much easier and authentic and graceful sharing my stories--my experiences and my perceptions of them--by blog, piece by piece, rather than getting it all into a single volume or book. It was so much less limiting this way. 

And writing those moments down--with all the good, bad, embarrassing, guilty, angry, happy, sad, high, low, scary, compassionate, etc. feelings I experienced in them--helped me more clearly see and appreciate everything I've experienced and realized as it unfolded for me....

There was the added bonus that I could write and publish immediately without going through an editor and publisher or a middle person who would have been more focused on marketing and creating something more for an audience rather than my own needs. 

Anger and Laughter make for brilliant partners when it comes to jogging loose stuck energies and then flowing them....

I used the blog as a safe and sacred space to allow myself to feel, express, and release anger in a manner causing no harm to anyone. Anger was one of the scariest and most painful emotions for me to allow, but writing it out all these years has gotten me to appreciate that it has a purpose, and can be used benevolently instead of violently.

The other day I got chastised for using "vulgar" language in my writing. He told me it was escapism. But I knew the person didn't understand where I was coming from--that a few cuss words never really hurt anyone and that I was using them as a means to release, and get flowing again, my own stuck energies. 

This person was used to holding in his anger and naughty words, even though you know we all feel or think them inside. He touched his chest when he told me he suppressed his anger, so when I saw that, I understood why he had difficulties with an issue called asthma. Anyway, knowing what I knew about him--he was a Christian--I knew I was taking myself off the pedestal of being a perfect human by giving him certain posts of mine to read. It hurt to be chewed out by him--to be perceived as less than....and....he still likes me anyway....

I love to laugh! So, when I found myself grinning and chuckling afterwards over my drama-queen antics in the "I'm so damn angry" department all these years, that was simply a delightful bonus. I've learned that probably the greatest spiritual gift of all is the ability to not take myself so seriously--to enjoy this as the game of "Let's Pretend We're Just Little Humans." Just laugh, Pen! Just laugh!

Clarity lasted because I wrote it down....

After blogging all these years, I can see my truths have gotten clearer, some even more expanded, as my understandings became more anchored here because I wrote them down. I discovered that truth shifts and flows, too, as my consciousness expanded beyond the old, and very limited, Little Human concepts. I've gone beyond the mental. beyond linearity and duality, and into quantum realization....

Step-by-step guide, or Stories?

If you were to ask me which type of reading or means of getting information I preferred, it would always be a story over a how-to guide. How-to's are full of boring stuff you have to find a way to store the information in a memory bank in the brain so as to retrieve it when needed. But tell me a story where the important stuff is central to it--and I'll remember it with ease. And I'll probably put it into practice if it resonates with me on some intrinsic level.

Saint or Imperfect Human?

It's always irked me when I read or watch stories that make their lead characters into these perfect humans who eat and exercise right, who are intellectuals who are so smart they can't be conned or tricked. 

Nor do I identify with characters who are addicts with inner demons of some kind who have habits intent on self-destruction. It gets tiresome watching someone using drinking, drugs, eating, or sexual abuse in order to run away from being honest with themselves, and then watch the inevitable downward spiral into deeper states of depression and worsening experiences. It's like Duh!--you expected a better outcome? 

I've never done illicit drugs, and I've been drunk to the point of heaving into a toilet and having the spins only once in my life. That was enough. Running away from myself, getting a buzz in order to have fun--it just wasn't my thing this time around. I do have a drink now and then when the mood hits, and generally one or two is all I care for.

Yet, give me an imperfect human everytime. Give me someone who's seeking to do their best even though sometimes you just shake your head at the bizarreness of what their version of best looks like. But give me that, and someone who's open to honestly sharing some of their deepest and darkest fears and actions--who takes absolute responsibility for their entire life, no excuses or rationalizations, and truly desires to change....and....I'll see the gem of the truly inspiring being they are, and I'll cheer them on and celebrate in their discovery of that within themselves.

Which would you rather have: A Standard of what is possible for you, or a Savior?

Since seeing the story of Jesus told on the big movie screen when I was just a child, and having my mom tell me that it--the crucifixion of Jesus--sadly really happened, I've been intrigued with knowing the full story of his life. Not just the few lines written in the "Holy Bible." In making him into "the only son of god and a savior for all mankind" his beautiful, freeing, and soul-uplifting messages were distorted and perverted, all in the name of a few blind-to-whom-they-truly-are, power-driven people trying to get control of the masses. 

While playing in the realm of this awesome and daunting gem of a planet, they were trying to get a sense of personal safety--trying to survive--by trying to manipulate their own outer world creations instead of setting them free. This is something we've all done. It's called the Sexual Energy Virus in consciousness. I, too, had to learn to take some good deep-down breaths, open, let go, receive, and flow....

I wanted to get to know that imperfect human Yeshua, as I now think of him, and learn how he managed to become so wise. Or was he always that way? He didn't seem like an egotistical intellectual or a mental analyst type. To me, his messages felt sincere and open--and real. I wanted to know everything I could about him and what his life was like, the beginning through to the end, because he seemed familiar to me. That scene of his awful death--I remember perceiving it as blood-red and dark when I was a kid--it's like I'd witnessed and felt it all personally. Like I'd been there.

I had the same feelings about the assassination of John F. Kennedy. I was born the year after....

My beloved United States of America began with 13 little colonies declaring their independence from a nation seeking to build a global empire. No other nations came rushing to their side to help them in their quest for autonomy. This is KEY, because some think that this country is obligated to step in and fight for freedom in other nations around the world--and we've been getting a lot of crap through the years because the United States was slow to get involved in the world wars. Should we be sending weapons and soldiers to other nations and messing around in your relationships, in your own communities when we're not fully aware of your culture? Or are you better served taking responsibility and handling it for yourselves?

In looking back, I'm glad no other nations came to our aid in our own revolution, because there is a great clarity and feeling with standing up for yourself--of being a Light Standard of Liberty rather than a Victim--and not being obligated to someone or any other nation outside of yourself.

One of the greatest tools to help me release myself from my stories of enemies--even tyrants or, in my case, politically corrupt officials--was to accept responsibility for having placed them in my reality in the first place. I took some suggestion flowing in consciousness that this is what I had to deal with because it was "real," and I made that suggestion my truth. Thus, I had some whoppers to fight and struggle with--to be a Victim of.

Our founders sought to establish a constitution that recognized the self-sovereignty of every individual. Granted, women and other races, at that point in time, were still not recognized in the limited consciousness of the world at large as being capable of self-sovereignty--but, hey, we had to start somewhere, right? And, growing pains and all, we're getting there. We had the courage to experiment with the idea of personal freedom and the pursuit of happiness, and we've come a long ways, considering we've been dealing with a tremendous learning curve. No one else had done it before this....

A leap in technology--AI (Artificial Intelligence) and robotics means a large human labor force will soon be obsolete. What are humans going to do then?

What will be the purpose of the human being if you no longer have to work hard and spend your days making a living going to a job? That whole belief system is coming to an end....and....the best way to move through that transformation more gracefully and easily is by going within, realizing your own freedom and sovereignty, your own creatorship, and to begin exploring the concept of alternative realities and creating anew from that foundation....

Energy is Communication

This blog is basically me learning how to commune with my own soul/divinity....

For so many years I sought to have a relationship with "god," and communication with that god seemed pretty elusive and not often enough for my needs. What I've come to realize is that my soul is not interested in proselytizing--it was never going to force my devotion to it. It's always been here, waiting in the wings, for me to hold out my hand to it and invite it here into my life as a co-creator with me. 

I am a pinpoint of consciousness aware that I exist....and....everything else is my own field of energy potentials in service solely to me....

So this is me--all my field of potential energies manifesting and arranging themselves in service to match whatever my I am! I exist! radiates out. We're communicating.,,,

Communication means listening as much, if not maybe more, as talking....

As long as I wanted to play with the stereo, surround-sound of my outer world blasting in my ears and distracting me away from it, my soul honored that free choice of its human being. Sometimes parties can be a whole lot of fun, but I found that when I really want to get to know another being, it's always best to visit one-on-one. We can really get to the good stuff. 

I can whine out loud to my soul....and....ultimately, I don't take myself too seriously in that aspect because there's always that part of me--the wise master--grinning at the fact that I know I put whatever was upsetting myself into play in my reality. 

The most wonderful thing with my soul is that it is always present when I choose to make the time and safe space for us to communicate and build our relationship. Walking on my own in nature, being with my beloved pets, gardening, doing mundane chores--those have been some of my favorite times communing with my soul and discovering the wisdom we gained from me, my human facet--The Experiencer.

Let these stories be a standard....and feel free to laugh with me at the stuff I got myself into....

You don't want me as a guru--nor do I want such a job. You don't want to be saved--that ends up being a prison for both parties. Just ask Jesus....

With that said, there has been a never-swerving knowingness within me, pretty much my entire life, that this true realization of freedom and self-sovereignty is meant for everyone, no matter their status, wealth, ethnicity, relationships, or beginnings or endings or in-betweens....

You ultimately allow this on your own, your own way. Others can encourage you and let you know you're not alone--that you're not the only one on this journey, maybe share some tools and stories we've found helpful for ourselves. Yet, none of us who've had our realization would spoil you experiencing your unique story by giving you answers that only you can truly answer for yourself. There is no substitute for having that passionate desire within that just drives you along no matter what happens....

Having come full circle, it feels appropriate to bring my blogging days to a close in order to make way for something truly brand new for me to create and experience. I'm going Quantum....

Blogging places one's most recent posts at the top, so if you want to read it from beginning to end like a book go to the archives section and start with 2009. The first blog, beginning August 27, 2009 is "With this Body," and the next is "Accepting Responsibility with Self-Compassion."

I discovered as the writing got more plentiful it was helpful to start organizing the posts according to the topic being most central to that post, so there are tabs for shortcuts to specific subject matter such as:

Self-Awareness Healing

Death

Love Stories

Dreamwalking

Sexual Energy Virus: Victim and Abuser

Old Belief Systems

Freedom & Sovereignty

Embodied Mastery

Words & Music

Favorite Recipes

There is some overlap in the tab materials. I placed the posts according to whatever whim struck me in the moment.

And so....I'll be seeing you....and....

All the best--always....

May passion, compassion, pure love, and laughter be your constant companions while you discover the joys, as I have, of realizing you've been dancing with your own soul....a life-loving dance....

And most of all, may you realize, as I did, that the absolute best stories of all are your own....

With love, gratitude and honor,

The Benevolent Rebel

The Up Side of Being Played a Fool

There's such a feeling of shame and embarrassment at having been someone's patsy. I've recently been there and done all of that.

I had the realization that all the "Theys" and all the "Yous" were actually my own personal field of energies in service to me, alone. I was the one who had made them my truth and put them into play in my world experience...and I put it out that I was receiving all of them--on social media!

The thing with opening oneself up completely to receiving all your energies and old-created aspects, you have to keep yourself totally vulnerable in order to flow them in so they can be returned to zero point--inactivated, neutralized--in order to be re-activated as something new. A creation more reflective of one's present, ascended consciousness. You're not supposed to judge any of it as bad or good energy--just breathe it all in because it's all one's own energies anyway. The key is to stay fully open to their return and release and keep them flowing.

The thing is, we've learned to call a lot of frustrating and rough experiences "bad" or "wrong," and those feelings can cause the experiencer to put up a guard or barrier in an attempt to prevent being in such awful situations again. It's called being "smart, intelligent, savvy." But that barrier is a highly creative consciousness radiation from within--and a person is suddenly feeling attacked because the energies in service to you read that barrier as an "I am choosing the experience of being attacked."

The Fool allows in energies the Intellectual would put a stop to.

The "Fool" in me recently helped me allow in some malevolent manifestations--energies that I put into play in my own life based on SUGGESTIONS of how it is and how you handle such things. It's only after I fully saw the experience through that I realized how "stupid" and "foolish" I'd been. You know how it's so easy to look back to see that I only saw what I wanted to see, even though there were blips, nudges, sometimes outright sirens sending out the beware of this--it's nasty, something's not quite right signals. But I did it anyway....and I'm pretty wise....

It's caused me a bit of concern--the biggest one being that I looked like an absolute fool to my world--an idiot. And all this writing and talk of mine about allowing my realization and self-mastery and the embodiment of Free Energy. One can be manipulated and abused for a time--and--the key is how to release oneself from that story when you want out, free and clear of it. I put it into play....

Now how do I get rid of it and move onto something new?

I've learned that trying to control and wrangle with a manifestation is a sure way of keeping myself occupied being imprisoned by it. The way out is to drop all the weapons and guards, breathe it in....but I've had eons of practice of trying to manipulate and control my outer world and inner feelings. Letting go and letting my soul is a whole new approach and PRACTICE....it's a way of life I'm going to have to get used to repeating until it's as automatic as the former....

I've realized with all of this that life in all its messiness is still going to happen for me--even in my own mastery I'm going to find myself in scrapes and conundrums. I just will get more practiced at letting them go and not being stuck in them or suffering.

As for the Fool that I am--the more I'm sitting with this, the more I'm appreciating her, actually rather liking her....because, you see....she's open and very loving, always looking for the best in people and beings even when they aren't behaving that way....

and....Man, can she open to, and flow, the energies!

I'd rather live and die a laughing and loving fool than be a grumpy cynic who was always guarded, closed in, "intelligently" looking for the worst....

Related Post on using the "And" Tool:

Quit using the words "Try" and "But": You're More than That

Self-Awareness Blows Apart "Born in Sin" Dogma

What if you actually aren't a "two-bit, four-flushing, dirty-rotten, low-down, indiscriminate-clod of a sinner?"

....and....maybe you've played the part and are actually feeling like one, and would like to change that? 

What if it's all just a game of temporary experiences and stories based in a limited consciousness (limited self-awareness)--and nobody and nothing is actually hurt or killed? What if it's all just "Let's Pretend"?

Ever since the Apocalypse (The Great Revealing of Self-Divinity/Soul--March, 22, 2023) I've felt myself releasing and integrating like never before....and....two concepts have jumped to the forefront of my awareness lately: 

Don't take yourself or your creations too seriously....laugh!!! Laugh a lot!!!

You're worthy of receiving all the joyful abundance life has to offer--just because you exist....

....not because you deserve it by being a perfect, hard-working, self-sacrificing, suffering human.

"Original Sin" is one of the worst SUGGESTIONS made to humans.

It's been so deeply ingrained in humanity as a truth for so many ages that even I was still being tripped up by it.

Even though I haven't bought into that particular belief system for decades anymore, I can still feel it within myself, influencing my perception of myself in my world, thus warping the consciousness I radiate out into my field of energies that serve me alone in the creation of the present reality I experience.

And it's not even about being worthy--those aren't the right words to communicate the energies of what I'm feeling. 

I am the source, center and creator of my own realities--why wouldn't I choose to give myself joy-filled, abundant experiences now that I remember that? 

There was no original sin. Nobody fell from grace. As the progeny of The Original Eternal One, we ALL simply forgot for a time who we each really are....

And we immersed our consciousness into suffocatingly, lower-vibration, dense, unnatural states of being--human biology--in order to help our own soul experience and get to know thyself, and to understand how our own energies serve us. Who am I? How did I get what I got? How do I create what I want? We're all here out of love for our souls, for each other, for ALL THAT IS....

And when you forget that you're this magnificent creator being with all the inherent qualities and freedom of your original source parents (Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine All in One)--well, this planet feels like a huge and daunting, often scary, place. You feel puny, terrified, doubtful of yourself, and at the whim of circumstances and things and beings you perceive as being outside of you. All your answers lie within, but you're distracted by and focused on your outer world. 

The consciousness of Fear and Self-Doubt radiated out just begets you more things manifested--by you--to be afraid of and defend against. Along with constant self-questioning of whether you did right or wrong.

Then you die, and those experiences get stored in mass consciousness as memories so that as you reincarnate lifetime after lifetime, associations get made and the stories get bigger and more dense. It gets really hard to see clearly--you're just lashing out at the demons you alone created. And though you fight and struggle to defeat them, get control of them, monitor them--the fact that you're giving them all that attention just keeps them in play in your own virtual reality game. The harder you fight, the more there are, the more overwhelming it gets....and so it goes....

Everything is a SUGGESTION of what you can choose to make your own personal truth--therein lies your answer out of the imprisoning puzzle....See it--close your eyes and FEEL it--as the suggestion it is, and laugh....

Choose to have a great sense of humor--be willing to laugh at yourself first....

I have realized that being able to view myself from a humorous perspective of having played the human role in the old Blind Man's Bluff, I Forgot Who I Am Game is a fun way to clear out my old cob webs. When I realized that I basically created my own bullies and then punched at them and it ultimately resulted me in being slapped up and down one side and another--all by myself--well, what's not to laugh at? Me--fighting with myself! Throwing punches at air, punches that somehow come back at me and knock me out.

And laughter is a fun way to get energies released and flowing again. Anger works, too, to an extent, but at a certain point it's got a bit of a victimy feel to it that can get one feeling stuck in a circle. Laughter seems to bring it all to flow....

When it's all said and done, I've been fighting with myself....and....

I'd rather be laughing and 

"danc-ing with mysel-elf...." (I'm singing that last part--what song is that, anyway? David Bowie?)

How about you? The choice is yours. In my book, nobody here is a sinner. We've all done crappy, horrid--even evil--things when we thought we were no-good pieces of shit that some god out there was punishing and chastising into some warped, prudish, do-gooder of perfection. Not to mention, only one was worthy enough to be called a "son of god"--and his reward for that title was to be sacrificed--nailed to a cross to suffer a horrible, drawn-out demise--as an offering for the rest of us lost causes. Pretty bleak....and....pretty hilarious when viewed from the broader perspective that I gave all that to myself....

What Friendship With a Sovereign Embodied Master Looks Like

 I don't need anything from you....

I am the source, center, creator, experiencer, master of all I perceive....If it's in my life, I alone put it there. Whether it be money I do or don't have in the moment at hand, popularity or unpopularity, heaven or hell experiences, uplifting or irritating people--I manifest all of it, on my own, with my own field of energies that serve me alone....

And....you don't need anything from me....

Don't follow me. I'm nobody's guru, savior, super-hero, or martyr. I don't have anybody's answers. You are not my responsibility. You have your own personal field of energies in soul/sole service to you. If you choose to take up your own embodied mastery, I will support you all the way, meaning I will let you fall if you persist in avoiding looking honestly at an issue you think you have....I have no tolerance or patience anymore for whiny little human shit. No mollycoddling. 

We're just playing "Let's Pretend," and it's time to quick taking myself so seriously, much less, anyone else.

Money-Making Schemes and Friendships:

"I need to find a way to make a living doing something I love doing."--Really???

I'm extremely bored with this and tired of hearing and watching people's schemes to make a buck.

"I've got to create a business in order to make money" is a huge hypnotic belief system based in the Power Game Illusion. It's never made sense to me. Remember the old pyramid schemes like Amway? I tried it for one short moment (because I'd been approached by a dear friend of mine) until I realized that in order to make it work the way I was told it should work was for me to view my new and old friends and family members as someone I could make money from. It just didn't sit well and I never sold anyone anything.

I've lost count of the people I've met through the years who've insisted on trying to create some sort of money-making business out of the "spiritual" (a much over-used and distorted word) or conscious realizations they've experienced. 

Most get nowhere with it, because you've placed a limitation on yourself. You're so deep into the hypnosis and focused on the linear--ABC--steps of how to make money using the business pattern, that you aren't keeping yourself open to your own flow of wisdom. 

You get sidetracked in details, and that will bog anyone down in a heartbeat. Instead of concentrating on, and flowing, the answers within (standing firmly in your mastery), you get focused on what's outside of you, and that just leads you astray and deeper down the rabbit hole.You're dinking around trying to manipulate your outer world creations and it just basically keeps you wrangling with yourself, ultimately.

You're better served by first asking yourself, "What SUGGESTIONS about money have I made my truth and how are they playing out in my reality, my life? What am I getting by making these ideas my own truths? 

Am I flowing abundance in all forms--or am I lacking in areas because I believe I have to compromise this for that? For instance, am I lacking in joyful relationships (a form of abundance) because I have to devote my time to working hard (a suggestion you can make your truth) instead of enjoying companionship?  Do I really have to make all kinds of sacrifices (also a truth you can make your own) in order to eke out a living in order to do a few things I enjoy? Can I have it all?

Have you taken a few good deep breaths, closed your eyes, and allowed yourself to feel into feeling free and allowing abundance in all forms to flow to you, no hard work, no tedious analysis involved, no obligations or duties, whatsoever? Practice it. You might like it....Breathe it in--the sensual feeling of being absolutely FREE.......

If you start gaining a clientele doing what you love doing, regardless of what it is, then, by all means, charge people (including friends and family) for it--and charge well for it--because any of us who've been through awakening and into realization of embodied mastery, we recognize there has to be an energy exchange for the good of both parties involved--otherwise, you end up with an energy-feeding dynamic, and that's just sucky.

All the money or all the friends in the world don't hold a candle to my actually living my life out as an Embodied Master....

All the pretty--and ugly--words I write mean absolutely nothing to me if I'm not truly living my life out as the free and sovereign creator and experiencer of my own realms. I'm ready to check out and head to the other side of the Veil (just walk out of my body, no suicide necessary) if it doesn't fully manifest here soon. I'm a better friend by being a standard of what a master is like. By being an example of what each and every individual has to look forward to realizing for themselves--in their own unique style and way--at some point in their own human sojourns here on Earth.

I am so ready for the complete transformation into my Light (Free Energy) Body. The last Crimson Circle Shoud for the ALT series really resonated with me in this--I can feel this change imminent and in the very air I breathe....

It was an absolutely beautiful gathering to participate in....except for a few women who I evidently put in place as a means to remind myself what a realized master friend is and isn't.

Masters don't waste my time putting on a show, trying to play the clown (it wasn't funny) while avoiding answering a question she was told she was going to be asked last month, and then stomping off in a drama-queen huff when she was asked several times over to step into her own mastery. Frankly, she needn't return if she continues to refuse to master up. I certainly won't miss her. We could all see right through you--and truly, the only one that mattered that you let down was yourself....

I had a dream about you personally that following night: There you were, sulking and pouting in a corner, as beside me this conscious being--your own soul and divinity--stood  ready to meet you, to take your hand. A putrid, puss-filled,sickly creamy-yellow mass of a river full of clumps of hair and chunks of god knows what began flowing through the room, flooding it floor to ceiling. I felt chunks clunking around in my mouth as we were all immersed in this polluted river of Mass Consciousness. I reached through it, twisted the knob of a door to get out of it, and we passed through free and clear--myself and your soul--but you stayed behind....

All because you were having too much fun pretending to play the role of "I'm a Fighting Victim." You wanted to do that rather than follow your own soul....Your choice. Draw out the old game as long as you want to.

Then there was the woman who identifies with playing in politics. I'm not interested in what you see as your amazing intellect or your political views or opinions. And I'm aware of what they are because you can't seem to shut up about it--for many years now. You're obviously not using your wisdom in this, or you'd see the futility in taking sides in politics in any way, shape or form. Shouds are not a place for the distracting farce of politicians and those sucked into their conspiracy nonsense--that is the sexual energy virus in full force. And you don't use my Shoud--my (and other masters') safe and sacred space as a means for your own misguided agenda. You showed the world what mastery is not about....

As for smart/idiot phones--shut the damn things off, especially when you are in the midst of friends and in a safe and sacred space where you can allow your own soul within to be realized....When you weigh it out, is an interaction on a gadget of more value than fully immersing yourself into your own realization among friends who are energetically, if not also physically, present with you? Are you--are all of us--that unimportant to you?

I've had the realization, in the past month, that I really can't waste time or space....

Time and space are my energies in service to me--I can have an experience of pretending to waste them, but that's all it is--a temporary experience, play-acting that time/space can be wasted here while in a human costume.

So, even those playing the roles of time and energy wasters in the Shoud--your gift in being just as you were--annoying as hell--wasn't actually wasted on me. I got it, thank you very much.... 

Wealth, status, fame--none them matter to me. 

I really don't care to be the star in anyone else's show other than my own. I don't need your money or your kudos. This blog can go on being obscure and read by only a few or no one at all, my name unrecognized. 

I am here shining my own Light, highlighting the very true potentials for all of FREEDOM, of SELF-SOVEREIGNTY. Of other possibilities that can manifest from pure consciousness being received and embraced here and in other realms....that's all that matters to me. That, and experiencing it all for myself firsthand....I'm not waiting for some other master to allow it first....

I have decided that friendships between masters is simply the joy of hanging out together, enjoying food, music, art, playing "Let's Pretend" in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way--and swapping stories, laughing at oneself and the conundrums we brought upon ourselves through the ages....

All the best....always, my friends....even those of you who irritate the hell out of me at times in this play-acting of being human....

Read my earlier post on why it's important to practice stepping up and answering questions like a master instead of saying, "I don't know.":

Saying, "I don't know" Is Copping Out On Yourself

Saying "I don't know" Is Copping Out On Yourself

This particular post has been percolating since last week when my beloved neighbor, who is one of the few to read my blog, told me he wanted to sit down with me sometime so we could more fully discuss how I pick the subject I'm going to write about and how I go about writing it. Now that's a very interesting question:

Snippets come to me throughout my regular daily activities. Ideas occur, and I jot them down on post-its to anchor them, often when I'm doing something mundane like cleaning house--which, frankly, that practice is free to leave anytime. Or maybe I'm in the shower or watering my plants or cooking or baking, or even napping. All of that routine, auto-pilot human stuff, to me, is simply allowing my consciousness/awareness and energies to flow. I'll have a realization that coalesces into a sentence or a theme or a title. Then I often go for walks and the ideas grow in connections based on my own experiences and perceptions.

I have one condition when I write--I have to be honest with myself. It doesn't serve me to do otherwise. I do allow myself to go back and edit to clarify ideas--I think it's important to give myself that allowance. Usually, I'm feeling the nudge to just publish it and get it over with, and the moment or sometimes days or years after I hit that publish button I'll see something that needs a bit of tweaking. Hey, it's my blog and I can do whatever I want to with it.

Shortly after we parted, my friend's question caused me to realize that I'm practicing writing the fact that I know all the answers to any of my questions better than anyone outside of me.

Answering "I don't know" in a Crimson Circle Shoud will get you banned to the bathroom.

When Ascended Master, Tobias, sent out the call and began gathering world-weary, misfit-feeling Shaumbra together in these meetings called Shouds, the first part of the monthly meeting was a channel by Tobias, followed by a Q&A session where the audience could ask Tobias questions. 

I resonated with Crimson Circle the most because I would have my own personal experience and realization that would then be matched in the following Shoud with the subject matter covered by Tobias. I even discovered it had been happening prior to my knowledge of the existence of this group, when I went back into their archives and saw that Tobias, back in August of 2003, was saying, "Get that man off the cross (referring to Jesus)." I'd had that very same realization in August of 2003, about "suffering savior Jesus" on my drive home from Minneapolis to spend my last days and moments with my dad. What happened with my dad was an experience that shifted my self-awareness to a much more expanded plane--an ascended consciousness.

Dear Tobias established a safe and sacred--a soft--space in which to rest and regroup and get some clarity. Then he left in order to reincarnate here in order to have the experience of being an embodied master, and Adamus St-Germain took his place. 

Our beloved Adamus has proven to be a whole other character, and his mission has been to get us to step up and into our own sovereignty and mastery, independent of him or anyone else outside of oneself. His idea of Q&A is for him to ask the questions and the audience has to provide the answer. Any answer is acceptable except "I don't know." That'll get you sent to the bathroom to feel into and contemplate your faux pas....

Evidently, Adamus has rubbed off on me. Nothing ticks me off more than when asking someone playing victim to someone else or some disease or other why they think they gave themselves such an experience, and they answer with a deer-in-the-headlights look, "I don't know." 

I can actually see they do know.... and that they want to keep their story going because they're simply having fun with it. It's neither here nor there what anyone chooses....and....I'm clear that I don't have to play any story out with anyone that I don't want to mess about with.

Authentic or hoax? And does it matter to me?

I was recently invited to have a chat with someone totally outside my sphere of experience. I honestly am not sure if it was authentically the person I was led to believe it was or if it was a hoax. There's a 99.9 percent probability it was a hoax, and for a few moments last night, the very understandably human facet of me wondered what I'd let myself in for....and....

Then I remembered everything in my life--it's all me, my own energies in service to my own soul. No one and nothing can actually harm me as long as I keep my guard down, relax, and let my energies flow....and this has made me smile and laugh, and it's a great state to be in....I'm playing a new way and having fun....

I felt my wisdom--the master within me--step to the forefront in our conversation. There was no self-doubt.

Regardless of whomever it was interacting with me, I had a grand old time expressing my gratitude for their service and answering their questions. The questions were meaningful in that they allowed me to express my highest thoughts, greatest concerns, and desires for this planet and our beloved humanity, of which each person is a sovereign creator in his/her own right. I realized no matter whom I was talking to, I was actively placing the concepts of true inherent freedom and self-sovereignty into the consciousness I was radiating out into my world. It's the same thing I'm doing here, just in another form. 

Thanks, Adamus, for reminding me over and over that I do know the answers. I realized just yesterday that practicing not being sent to the bathroom during a Shoud had me stepping into acting the role of the master that I am rather than the little lowly human act I had going for most of my past.

It was an opportunity I was grateful for in another way. I realized none of this is about having fame or amassing a great fortune for myself. Abundance, to me, means enjoying my life without restrictions or limitations on myself., and I know I'm not going to do any harm in the process. I have stories and music to write, and films to manifest, and I would love to collaborate with others of like heart to create something that's massively fun, elegant, and grand. 

In fact, I started the stories a few years back but set them aside until I felt them flow from me more easily--not because of needing financing or any business concerns first. Ideas were coming in--but in a new quantum way--and that kind of blows one's mind for a bit because it felt rather chaotic, all over the map. 

I know it's all right here, finished and manifested....so I'm relaxing....I KNOW it all comes to me at the most synchronistic time....

I also realized I have no expected outcome of the interaction I had with the individual this past weekend. It doesn't matter if there are any because it feels like I already received its gift.

So, my utmost thanks to the person who reached out to connect with me this past weekend--you gifted me more profoundly than either of us probably realized at the time....no matter who you truly are, or even whether your intentions were naughty or nice....You gave me the chance to express that I do know my own answers....and to stand tall and firm with them....

This blog has basically been my way of practicing, over and over, the inherent fact that I DO KNOW all I need to know FOR MYSELF in the moment at hand....

and so do any and all of you....

There's a New Act in Town: Self-Sovereignty

Here's the deal: We've all played the Power Game roles involved with Survival of the Fittest. Ad Nauseum, for me. You have the good guys/gals vs. the bad, and always in the mix is a victim at the mercy of some villain or disease or addiction. 

It basically boils down to some fight or struggle with your outer world--and that's simply just a reflection of the struggle going on within you, created due to suggestions about life that you've made your own truths. 

We are all sovereign creators of our own life experiences. We have been all along. We just were unaware of that fact for eons of time here. And enough people awakened from the hypnosis around the same time that it pierced an opening in the Veil of Forgetting (aka, the Apocalypse) so that, for those who truly desire it, everyone has access to a conscious relationship with their own soul--their own divine self--while still in human form. No more need to search for god.

When I was growing up we played Cowboys and Indians--how could you not when John Wayne was on the movie screen, larger than life? We carried pop guns, and then BB guns when we were older--and it was drilled into us that you never pointed an actual gun at anyone, loaded or unloaded. 

Wayne's characters stood for all the goodness in the world, yet he played being a gruff, blunt man who spanked his wife (in McKlintock) and often drank too much. It was funny at the time, and funny now, but I have a feeling the PC Police these days would have someone in handcuffs for even writing up such a scene. We humans seriously need to laugh at ourselves more.

I appreciate the rise in the Divine Feminine in consciousness as much as the next person....and....rather than allowing it to balance out in partnership with the Divine Masculine, there are those who want to make women the rulers of the world--like women have all the answers and are the better gender. 

I'm sick of that bullshit. Women are not meant to do everything that men do better--nor vice versa. They each bring important values to the whole--it's why we have a two-lobed brain that works best when each half is doing what it does best. 

The latest transgender trend is appalling--promoting massive manipulation of hormones through chemical means, plus surgeries so awful it's mind boggling. Then top it off with doing it to children....

The whole point of parenting is to be an-all-accepting, boundary-setting guide until the child is fully rounded enough to live on their own, take responsibility for their own lives and make decisions from their own experiences and maturity and conscious awareness of themselves. Who the hell traumatizes their own, or any other child, with the emotionally, spiritually and physically drastic measures involved with gender reassignment? Why is this even an issue in human consciousness? It's bizarre....it's mentally insane....it's Dark Age-like torture....

As for the Indians--Native Americans--I always liked them, too. When we played "Let's Pretend," it didn't matter if I was the cowgirl or the Indian. I have some American Indian in my ancestry and have always been proud of that, along with being Finnish, English, Irish--maybe even some German and Mongolian. 

I also love having been born in America, a descendant of immigrants on both sides who lawfully came here and chose to get along with their neighbors from other places around the world. They learned to speak the common American English language in order to communicate with one another more clearly. They moved to this Self-sovereignty-founded country in order to simply live more freely and have more opportunity than they could in the countries from whence they came. Yes, there was fighting among the various cultures at first mostly because of fear of their differences, the unknown--but it gradually faded out. 

My grandfather, my mom's dad, emigrated from Finland when he was just 16 years old, worked the gold and copper mines, and through the Railroad Act, started a ranch out in the middle of nowhere with an extreme climate--no trees, just a couple of buttes called the Deer's Ears. My mom grew up in a two-room shack and started school at the age of three because her aunt was the teacher at the country school a quarter mile away. 

Anyhow--I got off on a tangent that evidently I had to get out of my system. The whole transgender, race, and social justice crap out in mass consciousness is truly "out there," and frankly, I'd like to see some new headlines and take part in some really interesting conversations rather than reading and hearing people spout out hatred and argument for argument's sake on social media. People often are saying things to one another on those platforms that they wouldn't have the heart to say, one-to-one, in person. It's just escalated yelling with nobody actually listening to what the other has to say.

There's a New Game in Town....

Dump all those troubled roles of being a victim of some god, villain, disaster, addiction or disease. Assume the role of being the master creator sovereign of every aspect of your own life--past, present and future. 

You can still dabble, if you choose to, in those old roles and stories that you're enjoying playing on some level yet....and....with the conscious awareness that you put it in your own life simply because you wanted to more sensually understand it, I can tell you from my own experiences, that life starts flowing more gracefully and with more gratitude for all the parts played, for me and by me. 

I no longer feel stuck in anything. I can be angry and happy and disgusted. I can play the fool and also be smart. I am free to pretty much feel how I authentically feel in the moment....and....because I KNOW I really am okay--we're all okay--life just flows....

I can change course or leave any story at any time....I am free and the sovereign creator of my own life.

I dare you to practice--not just try--it out....throw yourself into the role of acting out being the Sovereign Creator and Experiencer and Wiseperson of your own life--nobody else's. What have you got to lose if you're feeling miserable, and not liking it, in what you're currently play-acting out in the Old Game? Own your freedom to be--deep breaths in and deep breaths out-- regardless of what your outer world circumstances may be. Act out being the beginning- and end-all Soul ruler of You like your life depends on it....and....see how you like what unfolds....

Consciousness Explained: Once upon a time there was this duck....

 A duck walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?"

The bartender, shaking his head in derision replies, "No, ye daft bird! This is a bar! Your choices are beer, wine or liquor."

Disappointed, the duck leaves.

The next day he returns, waddles up to the bar, plops up on the stool and when the bartender asks, "What'll ya have?" The duck asks, "Got a gwape?"

The bartender gets really ticked off, "I told you, no, I don't serve grapes. Now, get the hell out of here, and if you come back here again asking for grapes I'm gonna grab a hammer and nail that beak of yours to the bar!"

The third day, the duck is back and on his usual perch. When the bartender asks, "What'll ya have? And it better not be grapes..." the Duck enquires, "Got a nail?"

Taken aback, the bartender concedes, "No."

"Got a hammer?"

"No."

"In that case," says the duck, "Got any gwapes?"

Ducks and consciousness and awakening

What if after a lifetime of waddling around quacking and flapping like a duck--and bored with the whole thing--in a sudden fit of rebellion you belly up to the bar and ask for a "gwape?" No processing, no additives, just a straight-up, simple piece of natural fruit straight off the vine. Juicy, delicious, satisfying all in itself....but to the world around you, it seems like you threw a wrench into the works.

In that single moment, a lightbulb turns on and you get this warm and tingly feeling spreading outward from your heart to the very tips of your head, fingers, toes and beyond...."I'm no duck!" you declare. "I may be ducky and all that, but I JUST KNOW I'm so much more than the old act I've had going of trying to be the best, brightest, biggest, most beautiful or handsome duck on this pond!"

And from that moment on, all that matters to you is discovering what that "more thing" is. You research the hell out of it, pay for all kinds of classes on the subject, and try practicing all kinds of rituals, rites and disciplines with other like-minded ducks. They are fun for a minute, because it's always a joy to know you're not all alone. But you never ever really arrive at the more you just knew you were. 

So, time passes as you try out all these tangents like:

Maybe I need to waddle my 10,000 steps a day a little faster, kneel more (not easy for a duck) and pray a lot.

Maybe I need to practice quacking these tones and hold these specific poses while I salute the Master Quacker/(fill in this blank with your latest authoritative deity). 

Maybe I should try out DA (Ducks Anonymous) and talk about what a disappointment I am and how I'll probably screw up again tomorrow if someone tempts me with a malt duck fizzy and I fall off the wagon and lose my badge of "30 Days Ducky."

Maybe I should go on a diet--give up fish and eat moss so I'm shinier. Am I shinier? I think I AM shinier....Just look at my golden bill!

Wow! I've got the answer! And now I can teach others how to be more using my method, which I'd better patent because I'll make a whole lot of bills helping others....

Why aren't all the "Atta-duck" pats on my back from the rest of the flock ever enough?

And one day it dawns, "Regardless of the pond size and whether I'm playing the role of  Lord-of-the-Pond Duck or Insignificant Peon Fish-Fetcher, I'm still a dam duck doing the same old things, just with a slightly different swim stroke."--You know the old adage: different strokes for different folks. 

So you give up, waddle around the pond a bit all by yourself, reflecting and reminiscing and sometimes bawling, sometimes laughing at your ducky antics....and coming to the realization  that maybe I need to just quit swimming upstream against the current and instead float, bob along with the ripples, go with the flow, take time to more sensually feel into myself and the world around me....yeah....I'll just enjoy myself and get serious about no longer taking myself so seriously.....

Sometimes I quack myself up....

That is consciousness and awakening and realization all summed up. I credit my brother, Steve, with this post. The duck joke was one of his favorites to tell. He crossed over the Veil back in 2016, so while I talk to him using my words, he communicates with me in a more subtle way. I can't even explain it really. I just know when he's in my awareness.

Anyway, Steve and I both experienced that awakening to whom we really are and we both tried out all the tangents in our search for that illusive-seeming god, who actually resides within every human being. It's all within you, me--that awareness that breathes "I exist! I am that I am!"

Assume your own soul and wisdom is right here within and with you in every breath in and out....and have a great laugh at all life as a duck has to offer....

The Final Death Throes of My Identity

Back in the early days, when Tobias was the ascended master being channeled by Geoffrey Hoppe (crimsoncircle.com), he told us we would eventually let go of our entire identity. An ascended master is simply a human who naturally awakened from his/her limited consciousness and realized the Divine souled being he truly was while he was still alive on Earth. Every souled being will have this realization at some point in one of their many lifetime sojourns of playing out being a limited human on planet Earth. Now that the Veil has been cracked open (The Apocalypse, March 22, 2023) there will be far more ascended masters than ever before in the history of the planet.

Tobias said that while releasing one's identity sounded simple and straightforward, we would each find that there were parts that were easier to toss away than others. That we'd find ourselves wanting to hang onto some things, but ultimately everything had to go.

That message resonated deeply with me, and right away, I began to try to get rid of my cumbersome-feeling human. I was so hard on her, as all the writing in this blog will attest to....

I'm sure Tobias also mentioned that releasing an entire identity, not to mention every identity and aspect my soul had created and ever played in and with, was a feat the human facet was not equipped or ever meant to do. That was the soul's and its wisdom's area of expertise. But you know, it's terrifying when you face the idea of having everything you believe yourself to be--especially the parts you love--being ripped away from you, even if it's your own soul doing it. 

So, I tried to head it off at the pass and rip off the Band Aid myself--be the one to throw it away first--in hopes that it wouldn't hurt as much as having someone or something else wrench it away. I tried to step back and to harden myself into not feeling hurt and vulnerable: "Get over it! Put on those big-girl panties, Pen! YOU KNOW you know better than to let it all get to you...."

We humans have been through a whole lot of sacrifice and struggle and pain these many lifetimes. It's not easy believing you're just a Little Human trying to survive in an often scary, sometimes awesome, sometimes cruel world. It's only natural to try to limit the amount of pain and suffering. It's only human to want to get it over and done with as quickly as possible....yet it's been decades....

It's Molting Season for me: I'm shedding the good and beautiful as well as the bad and ugly....

so I'm feeling both Blue and Golden....

These past few months since the Apocalypse I've been experiencing wincing waves of grief passing through me. I don't actually cry--sometimes I think that would help--but it's uncomfortable when it hits, and I find myself wanting to just lie down, sleep, and hide away from interacting with others.

I've noticed this grief hits even when I'm doing something I used to enjoy doing because in the past it helped me flow consciousness. This morning I was watering my flower gardens and looking at a lawn that was pretty much dormant already in the beginning of July, and I just felt overwhelmed with all the physical work surrounding something I used to love doing. Most of it looks just fine, but here and there some flower just shrivels up and dies, even after I move it or give it a little extra attention. 

I feel unshed tears and heart-deep sadness at the struggle of trying to maintain a healthy world of plants, trees and yard in the midst of drought, disease, and a cottonwood tree that just litters the lawn with dead-looking animal corpses of cotton that dry up whatever it comes in contact with even faster. I'm sick and tired of picking up the sticky crap from out of my beds and shrubs. It falls faster than I can pick it up. Before that, it was the stick-'ems from the trees budding out in the spring. Every year that stuff sticks to everything--my cats' paws, my feet....I'm still breathing, allowing and feeling through this wave of grief....

Actually, none of this is new story. It's the same old fight and struggle, just a different year. Only now I'm tired of fighting or messing about with all of it. All around me things are dying, and in a way, I am, too....I even feel and see it in my body....and it just doesn't matter....I give up....

And then there's the anger--most of it directed at myself for having allowed myself to be treated and ignored the way I was for so long, most likely for even more than this one lifetime. Let's face it, I was an oddity to the rest of the world around me. Many people pretty much felt safe with me because I was attuned to their feelings and I wasn't ever out to hurt anyone. Some others who had some larger protective egos didn't much like me, didn't know what to do with me, often sought to control me--and sometimes (actually, all too-often) I let them....

I let others plant all kinds of opinions and ideas with me that had me doubting myself at every turn....

So, yeah, I've had a whole lot of anger flowing to the surface lately, but it's okay--I'm okay because I'm no longer trying to handle it and keep it curbed. I let it flow through and away, allowing myself to finally authentically, sensually, hands-off experience it in my safe and sacred space of Me, My Soul and I....

"Just Breathe, Allow, Receive, Flow...."

BARF. How's that for an acronym? Ha! Those were the gems of wisdom Adamus St-Germain shared with us in the July, 2023 shoud of Crimson Circle. And I'm finding them a very helpful tool during this time....

Life is quiet and I'm grateful for that. I can't imagine going through this with anything more on my plate. I am finding myself less and less attached to being Penny and the roles I've been accustomed to playing: wife, sister, aunt, peace-keeper, caretaker, gardener, American, North Dakotan, problem-solver, to name a few. I'm not having to throw it away either. It's naturally fizzling out on its own, and I've noticed it goes better when I just stay out of the way. My only job is to experience it. How I am or what others might think of me no longer matters. It feels a lot like those last weeks with my dad when I realized it all was just a lot of stories I was tired of playing out anymore....

Lately I've been noticing I'm no longer defining myself as being any which way. That I don't even want to....I'm enjoying the freedom of finally just letting go and letting me BE, identity-free....

I don't have to be anything for anybody, not even me....  

From the Little Human In the Mirror To Embodied Master

I wasn't going to write anymore posts, but I've had a profoundly helpful realization for myself on the subject of releasing old stories, identity and physical issues. So I'm adding onto this past post.

To take the oomph out of all the blemishes and scars and out-of-balance and alignment issues I see when I look in the mirror, I realized I can just view my entire physical body as costuming and makeup that matches my old Little Human narrative of what, who and how I am. That's all it is--costuming and makeup. And my outer world is all props and scenery that match my Little Human stories as well. 

It's that Little Human who didn't remember that she's truly a divine being pretending to be a Little Human at the whim and mercy of a volatile and often hard-to-understand world where the rules seem to change on a dime, no matter how old and smart and wise you get. No matter how much you think you have it figured out and know how to navigate it. 

And with the AI technology things are changing faster than ever before--and for those of us who remember life without computers in our daily lives, it feels even more daunting and overwhelming at times. Sometimes I still question whether or not I want to stay--you know, there are those days and moments....And then I take a few good deep breaths and remember that I signed up to be here, and there was no way I was going to miss out on this epic time in the history of humanity on this beloved planet.

When I look into the mirror and see makeup and costuming, and props and scenery matching the narrative I have about what, who and how I am, what my circumstances are, then I realize I don't have to figure out how to fix any issues I don't like. I don't have to manipulate anything. I breathe easier. I'm relaxed....

As the source and creator center of my reality, I just change my narrative from that of being an unawakened Little Human victim of my world to being an embodied master. If it's in my life, I put it there, and I'm the only one that can release it from my life....And with that new emanation, my costume and makeup and props and scenery rearrange themselves to match that choice....no more futzing and dinking around with myself....

I am an embodied master....and I allow my energies--my experienced reality--to match that with every breath I breathe....