Forgive Yourself: We're All Just Role-Playing Together

Forgive yourself--for everything that you feel ashamed of, guilty over. 

That wasn't the real you, and that wasn't the real me. 

Our human identities are merely costumes for a Divinity exploring and experiencing itself, and harvesting the gift of wisdom that only comes from pretending to be Human.

We were playing "Let's Pretend" there are good guys and there are bad guys in this grand, SAFE and SACRED, playground--the REALITY/ILLUSION called Earth--all of it done out of love and the desire to discover, to experience, to know thyself.

Several years ago, I awakened from a dream where a dark and shadowy being towered over me, accusing me by calling me, "Dark Lady." I can't recall any of the rest of the conversation, but I knew the title was fitting for some aspect in me, and I knew the entity was trying to feed off my feelings of guilt for a really dark and evil life-expression of my soul. In essence, the shadowy entity was an aspect of me, too--a reflection of how I'm monitoring and using guilt and shame to prevent myself from being a cruel and harmful human again. I'm certain that the Dark Lady did some of the most abominable things anyone could do to another--and I'm pretty certain she's a life expression that I used as a motivation for enlightenment and ascension in this lifetime. All of my life as Penny, I've carried deep feelings of guilt and shame, way out of proportion for anything I've ever done in this lifetime to warrant such self-condemnation and tight self-monitoring and control. I had a deep fear of harming anyone--even unintentionally--to the point I was paralyzed when it came to making even the simplest choice. It's also made me one of the most compassionately wise and accepting human beings you'll meet.

Ascended masters, Tobias and Adamus Saint Germain both warned that those of us going through the awakening into enlightenment would probably experience these psychic attacks, and that we could command them to leave--that's all we had to do--and they would have to leave. In the dream, I did exactly that. I commanded in a voice (this time there was NO SELF-DOUBT) that roared, "LEAVE NOW! I Command you to leave now!" And it did. I awoke confident and resolute in my choice to stay, and freely be, here on earth.

The Dark Lady aspect, through my simple self-forgiveness, is free to integrate into my BODY of CONSCIOUSNESS. I now think of all parts of myself integrating together as The Benevolent Rebel. 

However, integration doesn't happen instantly. The Dark Lady character first came into my awareness through that dream about a decade ago--and even though I was aware of her in me all this time--ten years later, I've realized her regret and sense of attonement, and self-monitoring have been still influencing the consciousness I have been radiating in my daily life as Penny. Instead of playing the Leading Lady, the source and center of my realities--I've been playing the Best Friend Supporting Actress to my entire creation. I've been compromising my own desired realities by supporting and protecting the stories of bits of plasma in the form of all the other actors in my play. I've been walking around apologizing for simply existing--as though my very breathing the air here is taking oxygen from someone more deserving. I have been playing the lowly servant role instead of acting as the central and sovereign master who can truly be of service to her creation by being an example that we can consciously create our own realities--a life that flows with ease and grace instead of suffering and sacrifice and guilt.

I even have been sporting a scar on my right cheek that, in looking back, surfaced about the time the Dark Lady dream happened. I didn't do anything in this lifetime to wound myself there. I had a boil appear in that area in high school, but it disappeared without leaving scar tissue. By feeling, intuiting into it--I felt it was a branding wound for witchcraft that was connected with the Dark Lady life expression. And I definitely see, it's been present in my current life as a reminder to myself to be aware that she is still influencing and skewing my desired manifestations. She's had me walking the part of the supportive best friend--apologetic and unstar-like in demeanor. And the energies, in complete service to me, have responded to that limited consciousness by continually manifesting a reality where I'm never the star in my show.

As happened with the Dark Lady, loved ones don't see me unless they want something from me. They are insensitive to me. I basically end up being betrayed by those I love the most--it doesn't matter if they are spiritual or biological family or friend or acquaintance or stranger. It hurts--but worse, I don't like feeling so angry with those I love. It's an awful feeling experience. I have a tendency to go to the broader, more enlightened viewpoint of seeing that they are just acting FOR me as a means of avoiding the expression of honest anger with someone I feel has betrayed me. I don't like feeling angry at a loved one who has played the part of hurting me. And that avoidance has kept me from honoring my own experience--because I've been afraid of my human self, knowing from the Dark Lady's lifetime how truly dark a human can go.

But the Human Being is just a Costume.

Those times each of us played the bad person--we dived into the character and immersed so whole-heartedly into the role, from the understanding of what motivated one to behave in such a manner--that we convinced everyone, including ourselves, that that's who we were--period. And because we played it so well, the "good person" in the play had the opportunity to experience his own shiningly beautiful light even more. What a gift! To be loved so much that someone was willing to risk one's own reputation and life-experience in order to let another experience the wonder and beauty of themselves. But it was all JUST AN ACT--on all our parts! Humans are just costumes!

SELF-FORGIVENESS is simply realizing, and embracing, that that wasn't REALLY me! I acted out a role. And with that realization, all the shackles of guilt, shame and misery are loosened and fall away.

This SELF-FORGIVENESS concept was perhaps the most challenging thing for me to completely grasp. It goes hand-in-hand with learning to unconditionally love oneself. If I can forgive and love all of me, I can forgive and love anyone and everyone else with ease.

The key, for me, has been to remember that this has all been a VERY LIMITED VERSION of REALITY being played out by blind, deeply asleep humans, unaware and unconscious of who we really are. In the past, I've called it a grand illusion. That perspective helped me perceive my reality as more transparent and flexible and flowing, rather than solid, concrete, immovable--STUCK. I felt safer to risk making choices then, especially "mistakes," in something less solid. But in a more expanded understanding of the truth, I realize it was real experience and wisdom gained. And there really is no such thing as a mistake--it's all simply experience.

In the outer world mirror around me that was ultimately reflecting the conflicted inner me, I'd hear sentiments like:

"I can forgive, but I can't--or won't--forget." This basically means, "I CHOOSE not to forgive."

"God forgives everything, BUT, I can't--or won't." This means the same as, "Some god out there separate from me is capable of doing what I simply CHOOSE not to do."

Some forgiving god "out there" is having way more fun than that human being.

As a result of choosing to not forgive, we find ourselves STUCK in a STORY, playing out a CHARACTER ROLE or IDENTITY that we believe is who we are--for the rest of our lives. And we walk around, limited and suffocated, with the weapons ready, the protective armor on and the guards erected, trying to convince ourselves that we still belong in this world, all the while feelingly believing that we don't deserve to even exist. If you CLOSE YOUR EYES, you can feel this inside of you.

Those above sentiments on forgiving are actually personal CHOICES. We can forgive--unconditionally and compassionately--but many choose not to, and our human minds back up that choice by using all kinds of reasons and justifications. If you really want out of the story, you'll find yourself having to tell your "justifying mind" to "SHUT UP!"

Unforgiving people are actually choosing to continue acting out stories that they often say they hate--regardless of whether they're playing the role of victim or perpetrator. Frankly, if I'm still playing in a story--even though I'm frustrated in it--I'm liking it on some level. And that's okay, too. We're all here to act out and experience stories together, after all.

As long as I understand that I'm choosing to pretend to role-play in any story, I'm never really going to be stuck in an identity again.

The important thing for me here, is to realize that I can simply CHOOSE to step out of the roles that don't feel like much fun for me, while still allowing and honoring the sovereignty of those who continue to play in that game--without judging them. 

Everyone outside of me can joyfully experience their realities, and I can enjoy mine without being affected by others' choices. It means my husband and family and loved ones can make choices that I can choose to not affect me. What they do, or how they are, doesn't have to reflect on me. I can rest, finally knowing, deep within, that we're all okay--no matter what transpires. That there is nothing I have to figure out how to fix in this world--IT'S A SAFE SPACE to EXPERIENCE and DISCOVER ONESELF while RELATING with OTHERS. And I don't need to feel guilty about anything, about stepping back and letting go of trying to control everyone and everything--including myself.

How do I step out of the story?

Unfinished business--ALLOW yourself to leave the story mid-way by allowing yourself to AUTHENTICALLY FEEL the experience through, without judging how you "think" you "should be."  

Self-Honesty--It's the compassionate thing to do. For me, that means ALLOWING myself to FEEL and EXPRESS anger at those who play my betrayers.

OBSERVE yourself acting...

A couple of weeks ago, I awakened in the morning from a dream feeling extremely frustrated and at odds:

I was in a classroom writing down my answer to a one-question essay assignment. The only problem was my handwriting was fading as quickly as I wrote the words down. Suddenly the teacher wanted our answers typed out. I searched all over the classroom, and eventually, the school, trying to find a typewriter that wasn't being used already. I never did find a machine, and to make matters worse, a couple more questions were added to the assignment. The story just worsened and grew more complex, the longer I stayed with it--nothing in it was resolved to my satisfaction or for simple peace of mind.

When Dad was dying, I spent a good portion of those last days, trying to help finish all his unfinished business and relationships and stories in order to help him make his death transition easier and more peaceful. All of us humans naturally want to bring our stories--and our character identities--to perfect happy endings.

And that has been a stumbling block for me in stepping over the threshold into living out my own recent embodied enlightenment as a self-master.

My dream made me aware that I've been trying to finish all the stories and relationships I co-created and played in in the past. I was trying to bring them all--my identity as Penny--to the "perfected human" ending. To finish all that old business I had going in order to transition into the new consciousness energy world. Just like my dad, Penny has been dying all along, too--some days, it even feels like I'm physically dying--because, ultimately, Penny was just a character role, too. She's a bit special, because it was in the lifetime role of Penny that I've experienced the integration of my spiritual divinity and all my other aspects and lifetimes with this one human incarnation. I not only lived out the ascension process (the awakening to self-awareness) on earth, but I also chose to then stay embodied (incarnate) as a self-master without actually having to physically die.

The dream made me aware of how my human mind wants to finish stories--become a perfect human specimen--but it also doesn't want me to die--or in this case, let go of my identity as Penny. And those two attitudes end up being at cross purposes with one another. I had all the answers, was writing them down with ease, but the more I tried to complete them according to the rules of my human mind (symbolized by the teacher's requirements), the more complicated and frustrating the assignment became for me. In order to "keep me alive," the assignment could never actually be finished--the story couldn't end. My human mind never wanted a resolution because "it thought" that would be the end, the destruction, of Penny.

I have a dream of every little community having a local theater for the performing arts--a place where everyone in the community, a mixture of all ages, can come together and consciously role-play. So we get more comfortable with immersing into a character role--AUTHENTICALLY FEELING our way through it WITHOUT JUDGING OURSELVES, and then switching out of it when we're ready to experience role-playing something else. I'd like everyone to have the opportunity to realize the joy of playing ALL kinds of PARTS together with SELF-FORGIVENESS, GRATITUDE, COMPASSION, CELEBRATION--and lots of LAUGHTER. Where everyone can someday realize that we've all just been role-playing together all along, and that our past experiences don't define us, or keep us stuck in a limited identity and genre.

We are ALL SO MUCH MORE than our pasts--and our pasts are SO MUCH MORE than we've understood.

These days I remind myself constantly of these four things:

1. It's all A FLEXIBLE HOLOGRAPHIC REALITY (my body included).

2. There is NO-thing I have to do or finish--or perfect.

3. BREATHE and ALLOW my consciousness (self-awareness) to OPEN and flow and mingle HARMONIOUSLY with all that is, within and without--without thought. Weapons down, armor off...

4. Be honest with myself about how I feel in the experience.

With releasing myself from the role of Penny, I find myself breathing so much more at ease, so much more at home in my own body than I ever was before. She never did die, she's just integrating into all that I am now...and I am much more at peace finally. The protective armor and all the barriers I PUT in around me to protect myself in what felt like a really tough and harsh world are, one-by-one, dropping away as I realize--become aware that they're there. Life, and my ability to co-create what I choose to experience, is simplified, so much more graceful. It's just a matter of re-minding myself to quit thinking, and to allow myself to receive it all with ease, and to flow it through by being HONEST about myself in the experience. All my old personal demons are being put to rest--with my own gratitude for ALL the parts I played...

Little One--come sing with me!
We have a song, a joyous melody.
Little One, come lift your heart in song--
Giving thanks for ALL parts played,
Whether right or seeming wrong!
Hear the thunder, hear the ROAR--
A celebration like we've never FELT before...

Little One--at last you're free!
Little One, come and dance with me.
It's all right, you've let your story be told,
And in the LIGHT of DAY, behold:
You're a WONDER!
Life's a GIFT!
A celebration of ALL THAT IS!
Though you stumble, though you fall--
When it all is said and done,
All there is IS LOVE!


Related Posts:
Allowing Me in My Enlightenment
My Beloved Mirrors
The Blessing of My Dark Side
The Virtual Reality Game--A Grand Illusion
Good-bye Conspiracy Theories--Especially, Satan

We Are More Than the Choices We Make

We are more than the choices we make and the experiences that result from them.

Here's a life-expanding perspective on reality that I've been breathing and contemplating for some time:

"Just because a potential was experienced doesn't mean it's any more real than all of those potentials in The Field that haven't been experienced."

This means, for me, that one choice doesn't mean an all-or-nothing path--it means that there's no such thing as a wrong choice! 

A choice may not result in the consequences you expected or like. It doesn't mean you have to commit to that choice. Just keep making new choices and the path will adjust to that. It frees a person of a great deal of burden in decision-making, and it's helped me get past that body-bracing, choice-making paralysis from the fear of making a choice that harms anyone or anything. It's FREED me to express and to take ownership of my life. I breathe EASE instead of waiting for a shoe to fall on my head and squash me into oblivion.

My beloved friends, let go of the guilt from the belief that you've done wrong--it keeps you from living and enjoying the gift of life that you are. You can't have played "being human" without having had challenging experiences--painful experiences made more miserable simply because we've been asleep while appearing awake. We didn't know the choices we made didn't have to define us.

Many of us have been stuck in our tragedies and traumas for decades because we weren't aware of this concept. We are so much more than the limited identities we are currently living out.

Choose and write the stories of your lives, instead of letting the stories write you.

We are in a brand new consciousness energy world--with potentials feasible that we couldn't even imagine a few years ago. I'm excited to be a part of this grand shift!

Blessings,

Penny


P.S. What is the "right" CHOICE here:

A) You stay home to work and help your family bring in the harvest.
B) You go to the movie, a chick flick, called "Sixteen Candles," that your girlfriend invited you to go with her to see.

It turned out to be a life and death choice. He picked choice A because it was a humanly kind and noble thing to do, and I'm proud of him for that--but we experienced losing him to death as a result. And because I felt guilty for being momentarily angry at him for not picking my "stupid and silly" option (according to my mind afterwards), and then having him die on me while he was being such a noble and perfect person, it took me over a quarter of a century to REALIZE I HAD, IN FACT, PRESENTED HIM--all of us--WITH AN ALTERNATE DOORWAY.

Arlen was hit by a gray car at dusk, while simply crossing the highway on his motorcycle on his way home from swathing with his brother.

Beneath the actual events, many of us intuitively sensed something was going to happen. His mom called me a week earlier, worried because he hadn't arrived home yet from riding his motorcycle over to my brother's place. He asked me if we should break up for awhile so I could go back to college. We'd talked about how long-lived his family seemed to be. That night, I had gone with my cousin to Baker, MT, to go out with a friend of ours--and on the drive home, I wanted so badly to get home to him, not knowing he'd already died.

Choices ARE NOT cut and dried. And with this particular story, I'm still choosing new ways of looking at the experience that give me--and that 20-year-old young girl--the benefit of the doubt...and my Beloved Arlen likes what I've got going here.