Let's Talk About Death

"Let the dead bury the dead...."

This seemingly harsh response that Yeshua (Christians know this man as Jesus) gave the young man who was torn between following Yeshua and his desire to first bury his dad, kept running through my mind almost like a mantra those last days as the life of my beloved Max cat slipped away from my perception. I had told my husband weeks before that I was done burying corpses, and thankfully, he handled all of that for me--and I, by no means, think of my husband as being one of the dead. He performed a service for me, because I still had a corpse to deal with, much as I so wanted it to turn out differently this time around.

Over 2000 years later, and here I am, still burying corpses. Why? And I'm still completely certain that my beloved pets have all been helping me to break through this really dense belief system where we just accept it as fact that life actually ends.

What if no life ever really ends? What if just the story--an identity--ends, and then it transforms into something new, and when that is done, changes yet again? And what if we could continue to perceive each other regardless of the form? And is a belief in death the only thing keeping me from seeing and touching my lost loves?

"Come to me as little children..."

For me, the above statement (another of Yeshua's) means, "Set aside your education, all your grown-up views and belief systems for a moment, and then we'll take a look at things before your immersion in your human-ness got everything so complicated and muddy. Your knowledge is important to the wisdom gained--just allow that knowledge to flex and to flow and to expand naturally."

A few days ago, I went back into my childhood and remembered the first experiences I had with death. I read a great deal and loved stories about animals. I loved "Old Yeller" until the end of the book where the boy had to shoot his dog who got rabies. TV made it a movie, and I can't say that it was entertaining or fun. It not only made me afraid of death, but rabies seemed to be possible every time I turned around and interacted with an animal.

As for the deaths of people--I learned that most people wear black to a mourning ritual called a funeral, and even though the same verse is read  ("Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."), and the same hymn (Amazing Grace), and even though all kinds of people gather together to honor the ones who have passed and to try to comfort those they leave behind--well, the pain and suffering is still there for those still here. No one deserves such pain. I don't like the powerless feeling of not being able to truly comfort someone who is hurting. I choose to have some REAL answers.

To sum all of these memories together, I basically learned from well-meaning, but most often, sad, powerless-feeling--sometimes even guilty-feeling--adults that "dead" meant "gone for good." That we would never perceive or see dead loved ones again.

As to what it was like to experience death--well, no one wanted to even talk about it much because of the fear of drawing it to yourself before you were ready.

All the loved ones I've lost over the years, whether people or pets, I've interacted with in my nightly dream state--I've done this throughout my entire life. At some point though, as I surfaced into this reality consciousness--what we think of as being awake--my human mind would kick in and always remind me (leaving me heart-broken and bereft all over again) that they were "really dead."

Now I'm looking at death as a belief system that I over-indulged in--my own experiences seem to be pointing this out to me. Would my past experiences surrounding death of my loved ones have been different had I instead viewed death as a transformation--a change into a form that I COULD STILL PERCEIVE from my state as a human? Maybe I could have awakened refreshed and smiling with the memories of my interactions in my dreams.

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine with me a new, open-ended conversation about death between an adult and a child. Feel into yourself playing both the role of child and the role of adult:

Child: "What does it mean to be dead? What does dead look like? Am I going to die? Does it hurt? Can we still talk to those who have died? Where do dead people go?"

Adult: "You know, I wonder about all of that, too. How about we explore it together? When you have ideas, share them with me. And when I discover something, I'll share it with you."

I've read and heard all kinds of stories of children and adults interacting with those who have crossed the veil. I've read and heard all kinds of stories about near-death experiences.

After the experience I had with my own dad's death, I resonated with the concept of dreamwalking (as introduced through Adamus Saint Germain via Crimson Circle) with our dead loved ones. Dreamwalking is simply walking beside those who have died, as a comforting and reassuring presence. You don't interfere or advise the person transforming--you're simply in a dream state--a quiet agenda-free radiant lighthouse, walking alongside them, whatever path the person chooses. *Dreamwalking is NOT to be done with suicides or mentally imbalanced cases, as the highly confused, victim feeding energies can be too entangling and dangerous to the person trying to help.* 

I've realized I don't have any desire to be the grown-up who thinks she has to have the well-meant, but tough, answers for the young ones--I'd rather keep my mind and heart open to the possibilities that life in all its forms and transformations is something to be embraced and to be spoken about openly. Maybe death doesn't have to be so hard and frightening for anyone.

What if there are truly happy endings possible--and I've been letting old beliefs get in the way of my experiencing them............?

Physical Symptoms Of My Awakening Self-Awareness & Sovereign Healthcare

I see my life, my body, my mind, my spirit--All That I Am--as complete and naturally self-sufficient, self-balancing, and self-rejuvenating. I always felt that The Eternal One placed everything I needed to exist, and to have abundant happiness, right here inside of me--that I didn't need to worship any deities, enter any specific place or building, purchase any healing tools or do anything in a disciplined way. I just had to remember how to tap into ALL THAT I AM.

This is why I seldom sought out medical or professional services in the last couple of decades when it came to my health. It was too easy to get caught up in a diagnosis story and never get out of that self-made prison. I observed others, as well as myself, playing out our diagnoses--even enjoying it because of the attention it got us from others--though we don't like to admit that, do we? I admit, sometimes I've felt so overlooked by others around me that I've tried out the I'm sick and dying over here--do you care about me now? path, too. It worked for a moment, and then I was left feeling hungry again--kind of like a drug addict, I suppose.

The first times that I had the physical symptoms hit, I was so new to all these concepts of true self-responsibility that I got really scared, wondered if it was going to be my last breath on Earth, wondering what I did wrong. Being scared tightened up already rigidly tense/long-stuck energies in my body and made the symptoms even more painful.

The Universe gave me teachers in the form of insights and people and I was reminded to just breathe into the pain. I literally talked myself through pain of all kinds:

Just breathe, Pen. Close your eyes and follow the pain to its source and center. You're okay. We're okay. Just breathe, honey. You didn't do anything wrong--you just have some old stuff coming loose to be released from your life. Setting a broken leg hurts, doesn't it? You're healing--it's going to hurt a bit, but you need not suffer with pain for so long anymore. It's okay to cry--tears flush out toxins. It's okay to even scream and yell to help your voice loosen and speak your truth, no matter if you're rejected for it or not. You're just shifting. You're transforming from a caterpillar to a butterfly--they don't even resemble each other, do they. That's how big this shift is. Just breathe...I'm so glad you're here. This is amazing--you're so much more than you ever humanly believed, and the beauty of you is that you see that in everyone and everything...........keep breathing, Honey--we don't want to miss out on this...........

I've been mentally reviewing the last decade. If I had sought medical attention for every symptom I experienced I would have been labeled a hypochondriac and probably mentally off-my-rocker crazy. I truly had no safe place to go for help except inside myself.

I still have moments of exhaustion where I can't function mentally or physically until I've gotten horizontal and closed my eyes--sometimes it's only a few minutes, sometimes I'm out for 2-3 hours, and sometimes I'm not feeling completely embodied until long after I wake up. Usually this happens when I have a profound, life-changing insight surfacing so I allow myself to do so without judgment about my "being lazy." Early on, I used to feel so frustrated with this because I was afraid that I was letting life pass me by with all that napping--but I was helpfully reminded that the understandings I was gaining were less likely to blow my mind and body circuitry by resting them and allowing the insights to flow in more freely. I had to break through layer upon layer of mental belief systems. And this was the most gentle and easy pathway through.

I had erratic heart rhythms, sometimes sharp pains that took my breath momentarily away. I did whatever struck me to do in the moment. I was constantly reassuring myself that I was okay, that it was just shifting.

I have to say, I'm not afraid of dying (haven't been that way for a long time) and I have a strong sense that I have a choice as to whether or not I live or die, moment by moment--so I know that has a tremendous influence on my perception of these symptoms. If you're afraid of death--study it. Look for ideas that resonate with you, that bring you peace and comfort. Because we all die, don't we....And it's the loved ones we leave behind who suffer the most. But that's a whole blog in itself.

Another one is stomach bloating. I've learned to not eat foods or even take medicines that don't feel appealing to eat or ingest in the moment at hand. I quit popcorn for a whole year, and then suddenly started enjoying it again, though now, I only like the smaller, white kernels--because they have a nuttier flavor. I never did like microwave stuff and that has stayed the same. Food preferences change constantly and I've found I don't follow any dietary rules anymore--I follow my body's cravings and how it feels afterwards, and I've gotten more present while I eat (used to just cram stuff down without really tasting it because I believed I needed to eat to stay alive). I eat chocolate and I eat sweets, but I have noticed that I enjoy plain unadulterated fresh fruit more than processed sweets and baked goods anymore. I also don't seem to eat as much, though I can still pack away the French Fries. When in doubt, I remind myself to quit doubting myself.......and enjoy the frickin' food! When I bloat up, I get a hot pad, sometimes down a couple tablespoons of blackberry brandy--that's my personal remedy, and it may not work for anyone else.

Dizziness and mental fogginess are also quite common symptoms. I have a tendency to faint or pass out from stomach cramps, so after a few episodes of coming to on the floor with bruises and cuts, I've learned to stay low and move slowly when I'm feeling the least bit light-headed or dizzy. Sitting on a chair with my head on the table IS NOT low enough either, FYI--get your head down below your knee level right away. I still feel a bit on the dizzy side again lately, but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be years ago. I just move with care and more slowly, making sure my feet are planted on the steps and that I'm using the handrail.

Head and ear pain--sometimes sharp, sometimes a general area throbbing that's difficult to narrow down, sinus congestion, blurry vision--these all come and go. Most of this I use whatever intuitively hits me to do in the moment, and most often that is simply giving myself permission to lie down and rest until it passes. I see all pain as temporary and the easier I make it for myself to move it through, the quicker it will pass. Humans have a tendency to medicate to mask the pain a bit so they can keep moving and being busy. Trying to force my body to keep running often catapulted me into more painful, longer-lasting symptoms. It got to be so that I didn't care whether others thought me lazy or low in pain tolerance. I gradually started embracing my body and started having a relationship with it once again--and that has been more rewarding than someone patting me on my back for my self-sacrificial work ethic.

The symptom that has probably kept me awake at night the most is the joint pain. For awhile, aspirin, Tylenol and Aleve helped--and I've used even those things very sparingly over the years. I have had a prescription for muscle relaxers a couple times, but I don't like how they make me feel, so I only used them a handful of times in extreme moments. In the past year, the medications don't do anything anymore. I wake up a couple times or more in the night (sometimes having to grab the headboard frame in order to lever myself up from the bed), I always use the bathroom (its an energy release), sometimes stretch or walk to the other end of the house (my cats like me escorting them down to their food dishes in the wee hours--smiling), have my husband deeply massage a specific area if it's really bad. Nice warm baths and warm soft cotton, body-encasing pajamas feel really good.

Another symptom is the lump-in-the-throat sensation, accompanied by coughing fits. I used to get this all the time when I had old life-story wounds coming to the surface of my awareness and I needed to allow myself to let them be expressed. I always used to experience the lumps when I returned home to my family, which used to astound me, because I really like my biological family. But then I realized that my identity has been established the longest with my family and that a rejection by any one of them was probably going to be the most painful rejection of all. While I was apart from my family, I had more profound insights in myself. Then I'd go home and automatically fall into my old established role has the youngest sister and the 2nd-to-youngest sibling--the one who wanted to please everyone. And the one who made all the truths of those around her, whom she loved so much, her own--without question as to whether those accepted suggestions really resonated within her.

I had to disconnect from my family members for a bit so I could see them more clearly, as well as myself. It was worth the time apart--there is a lot less relation-shit. I've gotten much better at just letting myself be, knowing I simply appreciate us, each and all--not just because we are family who we think we're obligated to love, but because I see them as my friends--people and beings that I genuinely like to be with.

I've had weird symptoms:

About 7 years ago, after having become aware that there were physical symptoms of awakening, I couldn't stretch my right (dominant) arm in any direction without a body-wrenching shock of pain. My husband actually shared this symptom with me. We quit stretching our arms overhead in bed upon first waking up in the morning, and we became quite adept at using our left hands. Even reaching down into a cupboard would slam a shock through. This lasted nearly a year. The left brain (masculine/reasoning side) controls the limbs on the right side of the body--and I'd experienced most of my life left-brained dominant. The right brain (feminine/intuitive side) was waking up in me so my body was supporting my exercising my sleepy right-brained functions by making me use my left hand. In hindsight I can see it all so clearly now--it was a form of natural physical therapy--but at the time, it was really strange.

I used to feel extreme pressure at the very tip of my tailbone--to the extent that it felt bruised and battered, but I'd done nothing to injure myself, nor did it appear black and blue. It just felt that way. Our energy runs along our spines and sometimes the pressure of new light-energy coming in is made more painful due to old stuck energies blocking up the path. Neck, shoulder and lower back pain are very common awakening symptoms. I've dealt with it in all those areas--even lately. I had to quit walking and gardening for a good year due to the pain in my knees and hips--I used to be able to walk and stretch things out, but it no longer worked that way--forcing things made it worse. I am walking again, but I still have days when I just realize that it is probably better to not walk that day. I found comfort in knowing that it was just a temporary thing. By temporary, I include everything from the feeling of a symptom for just a moment to days, weeks, months and even years of some of these things--but they all do eventually pass.

A few years ago I was especially sensitive to crowds for awhile. I'd be walking along in the mall or Walmart and suddenly couldn't step forward. It was really embarrassing, and the more silly and agitated I felt about it and the more I tried to force myself to move, the more leaden my leg, the more stuck I was. I used to have to try to discreetly beg my husband to slow up and wait for me for a moment, so I could take a moment to consciously breathe and center myself--and, like magic, I could walk again. I learned to exercise self-compassion here--I couldn't just shake it off and force myself to walk. Forcing didn't work.

The skin is the largest organ with the ability to excrete or release old toxins/old energy--I've had my share of skin rashes come and go, too. Warm sea-salt only water baths have helped, along with wearing loose-fitting natural fibers like cotton.

Just so you know, too, all of this shifting affects all physical body parts--including the sex parts--so if you find yourself in some bewildering experiences in those areas, please know you're not alone, and that you'll be okay there, too. Some stuff is just too personal to share in a blog.

A couple of weeks ago, as I grabbed my walking shoes in preparation for a walk with my husband, my ankle had a pain hit that was like hitting my not-so-funny bone in the elbow. It affected my entire leg to the extent that I wasn't going to be able to walk--it hurt to touch it. But it only lasted a few minutes at the most, and we walked just fine shortly afterwards. I get a lot of foot cramps and pain in the joints of my feet lately. It's gotten so I prefer going barefoot.

I realize this stuff sounds awful, but the symptoms have lessened in intensity over the years, especially as I've let go of my fears surrounding them. Initially, anytime a symptom would pop up I used to find myself over-analyzing everything, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.

Now I just look at it as being a part of an amazingly grand shift on all levels of consciousness--physical bodies included. I actually think of it all as shifting and there is no more fear to it. The symptoms aren't nearly as painful in intensity compared to the early years--I've actually forgotten the pain. In trying to remember my own experiences for this blog, I've been astounded how much I've moved through. A person just goes through it moment by moment--ALWAYS BREATHING it through--and once the pain is gone, you forget it.

The personally freeing insights have been worth the journey every step of the way.

Not all awakening symptoms are painful. I've had warm, tingly sensations in my head and throughout my body. I discover myself smiling with the experience--it's like a warm, lovingly gentle touch, a reminder that I'm not alone.

As for that whole healthcare issue that our politicians have legislated--it doesn't matter to me. I AM the sovereign of my body domain--no one outside of me can legislate that or affect me if I choose to no longer give them that power. I simply stepped out of the game. Those that want can play it to their hearts content, but I choose to no longer play in the game of giving my gift of life, or my sovereignty, away.


Related Posts: Just click on the highlighted titles or phrases:

I Don't Like Diagnosing or Labeling of Dis-Ease: Here's Why...
Physical Symptoms of My Awakening, Part 2