Why Self-Awareness Should Take the Place of Comparison and Conformity

I recently went on a dreamwalk to a moment when I was eight years old. Adamus said we'd be surprised at the event that we found ourselves revisiting--it wasn't probably going to be the big one we expected. As always the case with any dreamwalk, we weren't to interfere with anything--not even to hug our eight-year-old self--we were there simply to observe, feel into it, and be a radiant presence.

I was a second-grader, who after having wandered back into the building at recess, was being lightly admonished by my teacher (whom I adored) for coming inside the school on my own during recess. I felt SO WRONG! So guilty! So ashamed! So stupid! 

And the only one accusing me of those things was--me!

Seems rather silly, doesn't it? My teacher couldn't have possibly known all that was going on inside of me. Here's the rest of the story:

I never attended a kindergarten. I just visited our little country school, Lone Tree School, a few times in order to see what it was all about. I remember being so excited about going to school so I could learn to read. Mom used to read me a story before every nap--one of my favorite things. When we went to town for groceries, I chose to spend my allotted twenty-five cents in the Rexall Drugstore on a comic book instead of candy.

I attended the little one-room school for first grade, and then it was closed. I went from being the only child in my grade to a classroom of at least twenty kids of like age. I still remember those anxious bees in my stomach my first days in "town school." Shy little kid that I was, I still wanted to fit in and play with the others with ease--but as we all know, that's not an easy thing to accomplish with such a diverse group of humans. Several of my classmates had already been together for at least two years, and some even more, if their families were neighbors and friends. It felt overwhelming.

Kids are highly sensitive creatures--I don't care how seemingly shallow the role each of us plays to the world outside.

Then add the testing (proving worth and accomplishment), the grading (subjective judgments), the inevitable comparisons and competitions, and the Weekly Reader guilt trips about all of us humans polluting the Earth--it turned into a dog-eat-dog world.

For the record--playing flashcards is a fine game for those that want to play, but if someone in a class full of kids is struggling to learn the subject matter, being beaten continuously by peers who are quicker studies may, or may not, be helpful in him/her learning the material. I honestly don't know if flashcards are even utilized that way anymore--it's just what was practiced when I was eight (1972).

When speaking about the consciousness of humanity and its common practices, one must always compassionately include context--time and place. We all are doing the best we know how, I don't care how it looks. Most of us have just spent more time unconsciously REACTING  TO our circumstances, and INTERNALLY trying to DEFEND our beingness.

Environmentalists--if you really want to change humanity's awareness and cultivate a more benevolent relationship with our beloved planet, I'd quit using blame, guilt and fear. Those tactics cause the human ego armor to flash to the forefront to protect its human at all costs. You nurtured a fight--a war.

There are ways to increase human awareness that don't involve force. Maybe the old villain wasn't aware that they were causing harm. Maybe give them the benefit of the doubt, for starters.

And maybe some villains are aware of causing harm and are just GREEDY. Nasty word, isn't it? But when I look at the core energy underlying all that greediness, I simply see a scared, separate and all-alone feeling human trying to survive because they believe this is a dog-eat-or-be-eaten world.

Maybe the old villains can have a change of heart--just like the old villains in myself did--and will voluntarily change their ways without someone having to defeat them. If you have solutions, share them without making accusations. You might be surprised at the results.

Love of our planet should not be based in finger-pointing, guilt and fear while supposedly educating the population about the magnificence of it. Our Earth is a gift to each and all of us, and so is every life playing upon it and within it. I'd rather we encouraged nurturing an individual's consciously aware relationship of love and gratitude with it, and with each other. As sovereigns of our own lives, there is nothing and no one we need to conquer or try to control--especially not in the name of preserving or flowing abundance of ALL KINDS.

In country school, we could stay in or go out for recess--there were only six or seven of us total, so the teacher didn't have to worry about trying to keep track of all of us. I hadn't gone inside to make trouble. I was probably just cold. My confusion about the rules was understandable. The crux of the whole matter though, was, from then on, I resolved to know the rules ahead of time and to follow them, and be perfect--so I would never have to feel so ashamed and stupid again.

Well, we all know how that turned out...

BECOMING MORE SELF-AWARE has healed and resolved more perceived issues in my life than measuring myself by (or comparing myself to) others, conforming myself to "fit in," competing for attention, apologizing for being, unquestioningly following rules--AKA, trying to be the perfect human--ever did. 

It's amazing what can be discovered with some conscious breaths and a bit of FEELING INTO oneself...

What Story Am I Radiating?

I see myself as the projector of my reality experienced (I'm making an analogy here to the old movies, not the digitized ones in cinemas today). I'm the light source that shines through the film within me, and projects onto the BIG SCREEN--the world all around me. That screen reflects back to me (makes me aware of) everything I'm playing with inside of me.

I had layer upon layer upon layer of belief systems--films--that I had accepted as my truths that were emotionally triggering me (unawares) to experience old struggles over and over again--the only difference being maybe the faces of the actors and a new day. I tried controlling the actors--but trying to adjust the outside reflection doesn't change the source. I tried to resolve things by attempting to handle the emotions--trying not to feel or react in a certain way. But, again, that was putting the cart before the horse--trying to handle my reactions to the reflection, instead of being aware of what I was projecting.

I tried commiserating with a friend--but that only made the story and struggle more solid, bigger and stickier.

I've realized my resolution was to simply ask MYSELF--in a QUIET space of just ME:

"What story am I radiating into my world?"

.....and then I let it all go and continue about my day...no trying to mentally figure it out...because I KNOW I (ALONE) HAVE MY ANSWER...and it comes gracefully and with ease. It's just been a matter of asking the SIMPLEST QUESTION of me.

At this time, I no longer watch TV or the news--too much agenda and advertising that felt like a bombardment of energy that was haphazardly triggering my emotions and sucking my energies, though we do rent movies and sitcoms that I enjoy. I also read a lot of fiction. Every book and most movies that I just happen to pick up will have a sentence, an agenda, or a story line that matches that question. I'll know it by the emotions I feel triggered while reading or watching it.

Scattered throughout my home are pens, post-it notepads and tablets of paper, and this PC. When I find myself with a bit of insight floating through my mind or churning over an incident/story--I write the gist of it down to help me ground it in order to see it more clearly.

The story is ALWAYS right in front of me and once I recognize it, I can then re-visit it, CLOSE MY EYES and FEEL INTO IT--become aware--then of HOW I AM REACTING to it EMOTIONALLY, which is the impetus bringing it into my reality. Our thoughts don't all materialize--it's the ones that trigger an emotion that puts enough focus (charge) on them to manifest them in one's reality.

NOTE: Sometimes I realize I've been trying to avoid thinking thoughts or a story--that AVOIDANCE ENERGY is an EMOTIONAL radiance which still places a focus (a manifestation charge) on the story or thought.

All that's left to do, once I'm aware of MY FEELINGS with the story, is to TAKE a CONSCIOUS BREATH, STAND UP STRAIGHT AND FIRM INSIDE MYSELF, and simply realize it's ALL just an EXPERIENCE...

Simply feel it through--no judgment about it, no compromise, no negotiation, nothing to mentally figure out or fix...END of STORY!

...Ultimately, I SIMPLY REALIZE that I still exist, that I'm okay--no matter what the experience--and that All is Well in All of Creation.

I AM THAT I AM--SOVEREIGN of MY WORLD, MY BEINGNESS...

Good-bye, OLD WORLD, With Love & Gratitude

I think of this blog as a work of fiction. I think of my life as Penny as a work of fiction. The events of my past, and the feelings and perceptions I have regarding them--it's been my intention from the very beginning to be as honest and authentic as I can, because that's liberating for me.

It was a tug-o-war for awhile with my Little Human Mind Ego--she was afraid that if I was too honest, if I didn't try to portray her as more heroic, more perfect-acting and -reacting in every situation--that I might be throwing myself to the wolves.

Well, she finally feels at peace with what I have going here. Even to the point that we invite whomever stumbles upon this obscure little blog of ours to come laugh with me at my stuff. Everything is okay. It all worked out just fine--great even. I feel like I'm in a brand new world--like that whole Mayan calendar old-world-ending thing did happen. Whatever it was, things are lighter and easier and more graceful--less of a soap opera. Ha! I feel it right here inside of me (pointing to my gut and heart area)--ease of breath and being. And all that mind chatter in my head has gotten quiet at last. My eyes and lips are smiling, in tandem.

When it comes to my spirituality, I'm a very practical person--if an idea isn't simple and applicable to my daily life, I'll toss it. Tradition, ritual, dogma, processing, procedure, "this is the only way to do it," conspiracy, avoidance, denial, blame, preaching at, etc.--(power-stealing)--I've had my fill of all of them, and I CHOOSE to no longer play those games.

Simply put--I see ALL of life on this Earth, in ALL of Creation as a GIFT for me...and from here on out, I'm playing it out that way. With GRATITUDE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and BENEVOLENCE.

I only began writing this blog because I never seemed able to get a book written--I attempted several over the years. Back in the spring of 2009, Tobias (www.crimsoncircle.com) urged each of us to come out of hiding--to start doing something creative to express one's authentic self to the world, and not to worry about getting ridiculed (the reason being, we should have been used to it by then--and it didn't really matter). When Adamus Saint-Germain took Tobias's place on the floor, he stated that in order to go forward we had to be present and participate--no more just dreaming our fluffy dreams that didn't seem to materialize, no more conspiracy fights, no more victimhood dramas. We were here to start living our dreams. If we weren't willing to step up and, instead, wanted to stay sleeping in our LayZ-Boy loungers, then he invited us to find a more appropriate spiritual group.

Fifty-seven blogs and 3 1/2 years later, I'm SO glad I did it! It still doesn't matter if no one else reads it, although it is my whole-hearted delight and honor when someone does. What I got out of the exercise is an understanding of how I awakened to who I really am. I used to read through my posts, old and new, and think, "Geez, Pen, you seem to be saying the same stuff over and over again." Yet it seemed fresh and different when I was telling each story.

But looking back now, I see the old and new consciousness energies that I was working with. Most of the posts seemed to be about saying good-bye to my dad. There was only one post with Mom in the title. Yet both parents were of huge influence in my awakening--I had the experiences I did with Dad BECAUSE OF the close relationship I enjoyed with Mom.

I was literally saying good-bye to my extremely dense, stuck, old world consciousness game that was out of balance toward the masculine and mental. This was metaphorically represented by my relationships with Dad, Kelly, Arlen and Max; and with the old established belief systems like family, religion, government, business. As you can see, the masculine has virtues we don't want to be without. I wasn't trying to conquer it--I was just trying to step off, and stay off, that old roller coaster ride.

I realize now that I was actually doing--while still alive and physically incarnated--what I believe happens in DEATH:

I was releasing myself from the old stories by revisiting them and seeing the valuable wisdom my soul gained from all of it, and, in the end, I found myself BLESSING IT with unconditional love and gratitude as it departed my reality.

Stating the same ideas over and over again throughout the blog by telling different stories, was essentially my way of keeping focused on my choices, to help me disengage from the seduction of my old identity and the traumas/dramas of the world around me. I would have these amazing, profoundly magical insights one moment, and in the next breath find myself back playing in the old dramas by automatic defaulting habit. It felt like a bombardment of energies--it was very exhausting and challenging at times to keep myself above the swirling and crashing water waves of mass consciousness. And the frustrating thing was, that the more I struggled and battled against the old ideas, the more entangled in them I got.

Adamus constantly reminded us (when finding oneself anxious and struggling) to JUST BREATHE some conscious, self-aware breaths, TRUST YOURSELF, and remember THAT ALL IS WELL IN ALL OF CREATION.

I did this because it resonated with me, and it worked...I breathed, and I breathed, and I breathed and I breathed....

Mom and I, my sisterhood friends--human, and pets like Molly--represented the divine, compassionate, intuitive, yet strong feminine who were, in essence, the women BEHIND the men in the old story. The female characters represented the once suppressed FEMININE coming out of the background to compassionately balance our reality illusion as a FULL PARTNER with the MASCULINE in all of human consciousness--regardless of gender.

This was all done in order to bring forth a NEW CONSCIOUSNESS REALITY GAME BOARD--a reality in which I am now aware that I am the co-creator of it, with just a hint of an idea of how to go about manifesting what I desire. 

In the old game, I was an UNCONSCIOUS co-creator of my reality: a separate-, all-alone-, insignificant-feeling Little Human battling the world around me, in an effort to simply survive.

I have a story in the works about an aspect--a past-life expression--of my soul, The Dark Lady, and me. It was originally the title of this post, but now feels like it may be the start of a brand new blog for this brand new world...we'll see...

With love,
The BENEVOLENT REBEL