True Love: Admitting "I don't care" while Facing the Guilt Monster

Love lets go...

True, unconditional love releases completely--it doesn't hold on, not even a tiny bit.

True love is TOTALLY TRUSTING yourself, and TOTALLY TRUSTING everyone and everything other than oneself. The guarded walls encasing oneself COMPLETELY disappear--there is no protective armor or energy field, no offensive or defensive strategies. FEELING GRATITUDE drops all barriers and allows one to receive and flow with ease and grace.

The master BREATHES and walks with her/his energies open and flowing in harmony with everything that is. The master KNOWS WITHOUT A DOUBT that she/he is NEVER a VICTIM, not really--and that there's nothing to have to figure out how to guard oneself against. The master KNOWS she/he has never done anything wrong.

There have been so many instances when someone has been sick, has died, or was having relationship issues, of all kinds, where I've KNOWN that, honestly, I didn't really care what someone else was going through--but I was too afraid to admit it out loud, for fear of others thinking I was a cold-hearted bitch.

And succumbing to that fear kept me from experiencing disease, death, and relationships falling apart, any other way but the same old ways, over and over and over again. The cast of characters changed, but the stories' outcomes pretty much stayed the same.

So, here I am facing the huge guilt monster, and finally admitting what's really going on in my heart and thoughts--I don't care! I don't care about you. I don't care what happens!...because I KNOW ultimately All is well in all of Creation....I KNOW you are, we all are, OKAY!

Because, I recognize, and honor, my sovereignty and your sovereignty. I realize you're having an experience--one that you are choosing, on some level in you, to have. And I respect that. I have complete agenda-free, hands-off compassion for you, no matter how sucky and traumatic the experience may be. That means I don't feel sorry for you, not really. I don't care what happens with you, because I KNOW you're okay and you'll still exist even if you should seemingly die. I KNOW you are the master of your own life. "If it's in your life, you're liking it on some level because you put it there--and the ONLY ONE who can FREELY CHOOSE to remove or change it IS YOU!"

Years ago, when I was somewhere around grade school age, I clearly remember an argument between my grandpa and my dad in our living room. They were arguing about financial issues with our farm--my home. I remember Grandpa saying these words, "Dean, I don't care about you."

From that moment on, unbeknownst to me, my energies rushed in to guard and protect my dad, the victim. From then on, I experienced my dad ALWAYS being the victim in his relationship with my grandpa--and that colored my own personal relationship with my grandpa, who treated me with utmost kindness, though I kept him at arms length. No one was going to get away with not caring about my dad, and not experience some painful consequences, dammit!

Their fighting and inability to get along with one another nearly tore me to pieces--and it got perpetuated in my dad and mom's relationship with Dad's siblings, my beloved aunts and uncles. And that shredded me up even more--poor victim Penny. Who's side should I pick?

But you don't care about me and my experiences, do you? Not really. And that's perfectly okay with me--because unconditional love lets go and has no expectations. And it's my life, after all--not yours.

Even when I recognized, and tried to control and handle the victimhood energies in myself--I couldn't seem to get my dad, someone I loved, and idolized, to take responsibility for playing his own victimhood roles. Ultimately, I realized that that was an agenda of my own, too. I finally realized that underneath all those agendas we humans play with, LOVE WITHOUT EXPECTATION is still ALWAYS there, no matter what. And I set us both free by accepting us in all our ways, especially for those grating human imperfections.

I've discovered that if I don't trust myself and others fully, then I'm radiating out, or emoting, that I am a victim. And the unconditionally-loving Universe energies rush into to match and support me, by manifesting someone, or something, to victimize me.

This is why it's important to be AWARE of myself: "Am I BREATHING CONSCIOUSLY, and am I FEELING AT EASE in, and with myself?"

Victimhood is just an acting role...one that even I can play...

I've had a whole lot of experience at playing the victim part--more than my Little All-alone Human aspect likes to examine very closely. I'm not a lover of the energy feeding that goes hand-in-hand with victimhood, as you can see reading my posts--and I've honestly been judging that as a "wrong way to be." Thus, I've been prolifically manifesting and re-cycling victimhood dramas, much to my consternation--with me being the central victimized character in all of them. Plus I've been surrounded by everyone outside of me in my world playing out victim/victimizer roles. What a tangled webby fricken mess! Ha!

"You should care about the victims of..." Pretending to care perpetuates the pretense of victimhood.

Human Beliefs about the things we're supposed to really care about--that really matter--are LOADED with INCONSISTENCIES completely at odds with one another.

And that is creating an emotional tug-of-war game within each and every one of us. That, then, results in us manifesting chaotically-inconsistent experiences because of those all-over-the-map, offensive, and defensive FEELINGS radiating out from our central core of being.

Those beliefs are merely suggestions--not necessarily truths,UNLESS, you make them your truth.

It's deeply ingrained in all of us, through example and instruction, that a "truly good and loving human cares about certain things 'they-out-there-somewhere' deem important." Only they're full to bursting with inconsistencies and they seem to be fighting for VICTIMHOOD priority over one another.

For example: The Earth--our schools teach us to feel guilty about causing pollution, and then to self-righteously fight it by accusing and blaming and shaming others for their abuse of our beloved planet. We're taught to be responsible earth-bloodsuckers by getting on the recycling bandwagon in a miserable attempt to lessen our "parasitic impact." BUT, at the same time, as kids, we're sent out to sell magazines (paper products made from killing those precious trees), and cookies and junk-food (sugar is bad for health and makes us fat and lazy) that tastes crappy, in tins (made in some third world country) that eventually fill the ever-more-over-flowing landfills with even more unnecessary garbage (which we should be ashamed of, dammit). There is also the conflicting belief that you "poor little kids" need to sell stuff (a marketing ploy for some hokey business), and make money in order to have a well-rounded education. Never mind, that those of us with homes and property in those areas are already paying, through taxation, to educate our community's children.

I recently said no to a boy scout and his mother because of being tired of pretending I liked the rancid measly amount of popcorn in an ugly tin that we've bought from them for the last several years. I didn't complain to them about the quality of the last stuff because I honestly don't remember the face of the scouts who sold it to us in the past. I felt kind of icky telling them (he was a really cute and friendly little boy) I wasn't interested, though he and his mom handled it respectfully and considerately. But I have been making myself pretend to being okay with being a victim of this silly type of dramatic ploy for SO MANY DAMN YEARS. So I risked them not coming to my door ever again to hound me to buy a piece of junk--what did I have to lose?

And you know what? I realize, after writing all of this out, that I don't care about all those victimy stories I just blabbed about up above, and throughout this blog of mine. They don't matter! None of it matters. I don't care! And I certainly don't care whether anyone else does either. 

In fact, I hope what happens to, and with me, doesn't matter to you--because that means you truly love me, and you're honoring my sovereignty and freedom. And that, my friend, is a grand no-strings-attached gift.

I don't care...because I KNOW all is well in all of Creation. Maybe I don't fully trust myself yet, at times, but I'm getting there with every AWARE of MYSELF moment. And all this stuff that I'm experiencing and that I'm ASSUMING is about my ENLIGHTENMENT, well, it is about my realization of myself. I'm okay no matter what. I still exist, and I do fully trust that, even when feeling like a sucky little victim.

Bringing Down the Walls

I've had a multitude of protective walls that I BUILT around myself--many of them stemming from childhood. The only way I've managed to lower them is by first becoming aware that they're there. You have to be aware of your point of presence--what and where your thoughts are and what you're feeling--radiating out as your truth--in the moment at hand.

The Corpse

We've had enough bitter cold windy weather that I found myself feeling a bit stir-crazy--I haven't been walking much outdoors, and that's one of my favorite ways of flowing energies. So, the past few days, I put on my yoga pants and did a few stretches--and managed to experience an ah-Ha! this morning.

You should know--I've never taken a yoga class or even watched a video. And I certainly wouldn't want anyone videoing me as I go through whatever positions come to mind. You'd definitely have a good laugh, and I guess I'd be just fine with that. In some ways, I'm pretty flexible, and in others, definitely not just yet. I had an alternative-medicine book that had yoga positions printed in the back, so I played with trying them out,  and I liked how it increased my awareness of my body while breathing consciously and gently stretching various muscle groups. I feel taller and more master-y when I'm done.

As I was going through the yoga positions this morning, I had an inner debate about whether or not I should bother with "The Corpse." After all, you don't do anything except lie there on the floor like you're dead--you lie flat on your back with your feet a shoulder's width apart, hands palms-up about 6 six inches from your body on either side, and let your body melt into the floor. You're dead.

If you've read any of my other posts in the past, you'll note that I've only ever mentioned using one yoga pose ever before--the Corpse! I used it to do a body scan--to get in touch with some emotional wounds from my past. In fact, I've probably gotten more benefit from the Corpse than any other position. All because I don't have to do anything! 

Being a corpse ALLOWED me to let go of my human to-do list for a few breaths.

Being a corpse ALLOWED me to DROP my protective WALLS!

When you're dead, it's too late to worry about all those human stories and issues. There's nothing you can do anymore. You're done. None of it matters anymore...SO DOWN COME THE WALLS!

And you just FLOW....

Adamus Saint-Germain (of crimsoncircle.com) has often said that death is easier than birth. That when we die, it's a release from having to perform in such a dense and limited physical body. It's FREEING! These bodies are an amazing gift in experience, but we all know how difficult it's been to be so closed in, in such a blind consciousness where we've believed for so long that all we are is an itty-bitty all-alone human in a tough and scary world. It hasn't been easy being human--and we've gotten quite experienced at putting up walls and toughening up in order to stay embodied here.

But now, my consciousness has gotten clearer--I've awakened to who I really am--and the old walls have turned into barriers, which are stopping the energy flow, thus keeping me from manifesting the more abundant life I know I'm capable of creating. I know the energy potentials are there, but I also know now, that I've been unconsciously preventing them from coming in fully, due to the protective armor I put on in order to navigate the old world consciousness 3-D reality of my past.

Crimsoncircle.com offered a Cloud Class (an on-demand online video) called Dreamwalk into Childhood Magic. The Crimson Circle website offers all their monthly shouds/channels (in the forms of video, audio and text) for free in the channel library. They also offer workshops and Cloud classes, like the one above, around the world, that they charge for--they've been using this to fund their work and to maintain so much free material on their website. I felt strongly drawn to doing this particular dreamwalk into childhood--I've had a lot of recurring dreams, I had an imaginary friend, I felt quite connected to nature, and I was afraid of entities in the dark. You know, the stuff we adults have a tendency to just dismiss as kids having wild imaginations.

The dreamwalk surprised me, because it helped me become aware of all kinds of protective walls and guards that I created back then in order to not be so sensitive--so vulnerable. I just lately have remembered making the conscious choice in grade school to toughen up and not allow myself to cry so much or allow others to see how much I could feel hurt. I functioned, but I was in hiding. I also remember consciously thinking that I didn't want to grow up--because I knew it would be difficult. I wasn't one of those girls anxious to purchase my first bra and go out on dates. I liked boys just fine--but only as friends to play with.

I identified--became aware of--some of my old protective barriers, which basically inhibit the natural flow of energies serving me. 

Due to a mental fight within me of trying to control them, I wasn't allowing their natural flow, and that held them in place in my reality--as manifested issues:

When TV went digital, neither my husband nor I were interested in paying for cable or satellite so we quit watching TV. It was feeling too noisy for me in so many different ways.

I was tired of watching mostly commercials selling prescription drugs and products that pointed out my flaws.

The news was focused on judgmental, sensational gossip and politics.

Sports and all that competition-comparison/reality TV stuff didn't inspire me to laugh or let loose. Nor did courtroom TV or shows like Top Cop. I'm not interested in drama queens or kings and their "issues." Friendly competition is fine for those who enjoy it--and I can throw myself into the role of teasingly pretending to be a sore loser, but I generally don't care if I win or lose. I'd rather play the sport or game than watch it--no matter how clutzy or how much of a non-strategist I may be. We used to play volleyball down on the farm, and it was always fun to see how long we could keep it going back and forth--and to watch my brother's antics of flinging himself to the ground in order to do just that. I remember letting loose and laughing a lot, but I don't remember who won any of those games.

I like mysteries, but then the focus was becoming more on grisly forensics and the most heinous crimes and perversities humans could commit.

I think music should be sung and danced with joyous abandon--not necessarily for judgment by the Simon Cowells or dance experts of the world. I found myself actually feeling more inhibited when watching the singing, musical and dance competitions that seem to have overtaken primetime TV. I frustratingly found my own voice closing up--I was afraid to even try to sing, for fear of sounding awful.

I do enjoy watching people who dance well--and it inspires me to dance--because it looks so graceful, expressive and fun. But I have the most fun when dancing myself. Here again--I can see the merits of friendly competition--because it does encourage us to go beyond our limits, but it feels like we should encourage everyone to enjoy the arts--not just the few we've dubbed as talented.

I learned in a drawing class that we're all capable of drawing in a manner beautifully and uniquely our own. I watched in delighted amazement as classmates, who, at the start, said they could draw nothing but stick figures, turned out the most amazing art portfolios for our final class. It helped to be reminded that we ALL can draw, and to be given a few pointers on perspective and how to draw what one sees, instead of what one thinks--instead of focusing on FEELINGLY believing that only other, more gifted people "out there" are capable of creating great art. Great art, in all forms, comes from those who've set themselves FREE to EXPRESS.

I enjoy sitcoms like The Big Bang Theory because their antics make me laugh, and I enjoy their celebration of the quirkiness of being a human being. I think it would be fun to act in them myself--and to bring that concept to local community theatres where all ages can participate.

Watching others whom I admire, very generous people like Oprah and Ellen, started backfiring on me. I kept walking away feeling down on myself--like I wasn't doing enough, being enough. I was comparing myself to them, so instead of feeling uplifted and excited about being here in human form as the gift I know I am--each of us--is, I felt like crap, unworthy. I felt myself pressuring me to perform--but instead of becoming a more perfect, all-serving human, I was feeling more stuck, resentful and unheard, unnoticed. I felt like a loser. How are those for walls?

I finally realized that I'm serving all others the best when I FIRST have love and compassion and gratitude for myself. It's like that airplane crash scenario, where you put your own oxygen mask on first--instead of going the self-sacrifice and martyrdom route--so that you are alive then, to help another get their supply of oxygen. Dead hands can't hold oxygen masks for others.

When you're watching TV sometime, close your eyes for a moment and feel into how you're feeling, what your thoughts are, what parts about yourself you're trying to avoid thinking about, how you're trying to monitor and control your very being. Can you feel that struggle going on inside of you? Can you feel the pressure you're putting on yourself to perform perfectly? Can you feel and hear the voices in your head yammering at you to BE something, DO something? Can you feel yourself trying to referee the fight between two polar-opposite ideas--to energetically struggle within to find that "happy-medium" so you can feel a release, a bit of ease in being here in a human body with a human identity?

I've often felt this struggle to balance--HOLD--energies when someone I loved was viciously gossiping about another person. I didn't like hearing those things about anyone, and yet I could empathetically feel my beloved gossiper's own lack of self-worth. I didn't want to hurt anyone any further, so I stayed quiet. But inside of myself I was energetically putting up protective walls around the subject of the gossip, while wrapping my arms around the one gossiping in an attempt to unconditionally accept them, yet mentally chastising them, "That's no way to be." I was searching once again for that happy medium--trying to mentally figure it all out--and that was one painful, heavy juggling act.

I found the key was to let it all go, to let them be in their unique, sovereign, and chosen human experience--to take a deep breath and drop my juggling act. Nobody needed me to juggle anything. I finally remembered KNOWING that everyone was okay and I didn't have to protect anyone--not even me.

When I was a kid, a certain lady would come to spend a night with us, and she was so caught up in having a perfect immaculate house that we dreaded her visits. Mom would have us go through the house scrubbing and cleaning with a vengeance, on the look-out for cobwebs--but no matter how much we cleaned, the woman managed to find something that would bring out our cleanliness insecurities. I remember her running her finger across the seat of the Lowery organ bench before she sat down on it--the bench I'd just dusted with Pledge--ha!

Needless to say, I didn't necessarily believe that cleanliness was next to godliness. In my own home, I wanted people to feel comfortable and welcomed. I didn't want anyone to feel as though they had to tip-toe through my house for fear of leaving me a mess to clean up afterwards. But I also enjoy having a relatively clean home--that is easily maintained without a lot of efforting on anyone's part. I'm getting tired of the routine of trying to keep it all fresh and spotless. My attention span for cleaning has gotten a lot shorter. I seem to be tired of the old stories about how much work it takes to maintain a home. I'd rather not even discuss home projects with others. I love spontaneous visits from friends. They often seem to stop by though, without fail, when I'm at my messiest and most disgusting.

I've recently noted that while I enjoy having my husband's company in the kitchen and that I enjoy when he cooks or bakes for us--we do things differently. We've got quirks, and because I use the kitchen the most, and I don't like sticky greasy surfaces, I've gotten a bit territorial about it--and I try to keep it free of dirty dishes and sloppy floors. I wash and wipe-up as I go along. These are not his priorities, and when he cooks, he seems to fling stuff unintentionally. He cleans up his big catastrophic mess after he's all done--even mops and dries the floor--but it wreaks havoc with me anyway because he's simply unaware of some of the little things that drive me crazy. It's better if I just leave the room and go enjoy myself elsewhere, otherwise I catch myself trying to get him to do things my way, and I struggle to keep myself from doing that. My mind is constantly poking a finger at me, telling me "Don't be a hen-pecking nag!" and at the same time it's saying, "Don't be a floor mat!"

The funny thing is, I'm comfortable with allowing other people--even kids--to let loose and create in my kitchen. It's my husband--my closest mirror of myself--that I have the issue with. Go figure.

Can you feel the struggle? How much is enough, or too much--either way? I haven't mentally figured out a balance--and I most likely never will with that approach. Because I'm feeling that emotional conflict inside, that's what I'm radiating out into the Universe--and the energies of the cosmos lovingly and unconditionally rush in to match my inner struggle. I just end up with more struggle, no ease.

My answer has been to wrap my arms around Imperfect Human Penny, tell her I love her, and let myself feel my unconditional love for her. I let myself immerse in the icky, perturbed feelings of being in my messed-up kitchen, and I allowed myself to immerse in the joy of having someone else prepare a meal for us. I don't have to be any certain way--I can be all of it, and it'll find it's own balance in my reality naturally, if I just let go of the struggle to do it myself. I end up laughing at and with myself. I took the pressure off, acknowledged I was aware of the inner fight, and I let myself go--I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE IN ALL OF MY GLORIOUS IMPERFECTION.

I was trying to perform as a perfect human, but in order to play the human experience game, you have to allow yourself to be imperfect. 

In order to be perceived, the LIGHT needs some SHADOW--some DARKNESS.

Years ago, The Group, channelled by Steve and Barbara Rother of espavo.com, pointed out that the most valuable diamonds in the world were the naturally occurring ones--and that their value, color, and identity was dependent on their flaws. Yes, in this day and age, flawless man-made diamonds are available--but they're no where near as valuable as those natural-occurring ones with the occlusions. The Group said that the priceless value and beauty of every single one of us humans is in our unique flaws. They give us each a color and a light expression that no one else has. Every ray of light is important to the beauty of the whole spectrum. I've found that idea both comforting and freeing.

SO, celebrate your flaws!

Go play "Dead" for a few moments: 

Close your eyes, and see how you feel without the protective armor weighing you down...

Can you feel yourself flowing?...

Is that a smile on your face?

Here's an excerpt about my first experiences with the yoga Corpse pose, from an earlier post entitled, Trust Yourself--Your Inner Knowingness:

The day after Gary Zukov's appearance on Oprah, as I was working away in the kitchen, pondering over his words about how we humans try to avoid and deny pain, I accidentally slammed my thumb in one of the drawers. As I instinctively grabbed my thumb with my other hand to squeeze it tightly, I realized that I was just putting off feeling the pain. I told myself to take a breath, relax, remove my hand and just let myself experience the pain—really go in and feel it. So I did, and a funny thing happened. The pain wasn’t anywhere near the tremendous throbbing I had initially anticipated. In fact, it subsided very quickly, while in my mind I tried to focus in on its center of origin and tried to describe it to myself.

That experience led me to another application. I’d been walking around that day with an ache in my lower back. It was one of those general aches that I couldn’t connect with any instance of having done something physically to cause it. But it was there and I felt my energy draining due to its presence.

In keeping with my train of thought of just making the effort to allow myself to experience the pain, I laid down on the floor in the yoga position called the corpse—lying flat on your back with your feet 18 inches apart and your hands 6 inches from your sides, breathing deeply. I then used a breathing exercise to center myself in the moment. I breathed in through my nose, filling my diaphragm, to the count of four. I held it for seven and then breathed out through my mouth to the count of eight. After taking a few deep breaths I turned my attention to feeling my heart beat, then mentally scanned my body for the ache I’d been feeling. I decided to focus on, and follow, the ache to its center and describe and experience it fully. As I did so I reminded myself that I was okay, to take a breath and relax and just let myself feel it.

Suddenly memories and thoughts came to my mind of events which had taken place twenty years prior. I remembered having to move from the farm into town when I was a sophomore in high school. My brother moved onto the place so we left our dogs and cats out there. That farm and those pets were my life at that time, and they eventually died. I realized how angry I’d been at having to move into town and I also realized that when each dog died and each cat disappeared I had never allowed myself to mourn their passing. Here I was, twenty years later, bawling my eyes out, over my loss. I hadn’t even really recognized how angry a person I was in those days until this moment. I had basically used the anger to avoid feeling the pain.

I laid there crying it out, and as the tears flowed I felt the pain in my lower back ebb away to nothingness, leaving behind only the sensation of having had those muscles put through a workout. They didn’t feel overly stretched or strained. It was a pleasant feeling of having done something good for my body.
Wow! These bodies are amazing!