"I find myself just wanting to bless everyone, everything..."
Yeah--that wasn't me up above. That was some other Shaumbra, and, frankly, I was listening from a rather cynical point of view. I'd been blessing everyone, alright. It was more like the southern lady who is a bit ticked off--more like royally pissed--at someone and saying, "Well, bless your heart!"
First off--I KNOW this is all just a "Let's Pretend We're Just Little Humans" game. I want to be clear on that. And no one, absolutely no one, needs my blessing or anyone else's. We're all sovereign divine souls having experiences we each create in a costume called the Human Being.
How gracious is your life?
Actually, my life is pretty okay. There are traumas and dramas happening around me and in the news....and I find I'm pretty disconnected from it, other than to shake my head at the stupidity of some deep-asleep mentally off-their-rockers humans at times....They may be having fun playing out their shit,....and....I'm just in a place of having no tolerance for any of it anymore....Fuck that shit! I'm all done playing that old game....and get the hell out of my domain!!!
Memories from the corners of my mind--misty, water-colored memories of the way we were....
I've been remembering moments throughout my life lately--and I've been feeling anger--not the warm and fuzzies I'd hoped for--burning through to the surface. It feels like it's an entire lifetime of rage that's been shoved down deep into my very cells--frustration at having been taken for granted, not listened to, ridiculed, shamed, seen only when it was convenient and for the benefit of someone else.
And the worst of it all--there was that self doubt that kept me crippled within a reality I had, at the time, unknowingly created for myself. On some level, I knew I was responsible for all of it, but I didn't know how to uncreate it from my Human facet. That part of me--who was only ever meant to be the Experiencer for my soul--just didn't have the tools and understandings I needed....
Ever since Heavens' Cross, aka the Apocalypse, it seems I've realized I'm now in a safe space to feel the stuff I wouldn't allow myself to completely acknowledge before. That it doesn't matter how pissed off I may be because this is my reality, my own experience--and most importantly, I wasn't going to harm anyone or myself. Offend someone? Probably.
Through the years, I had tempered my angry side by reminding myself that I volunteered to come here to Earth to go through all this--that there was no one to blame but myself. It did help me to maintain a balance that I much-needed to stay here to do the work I had come to take part in, which was in helping to slowly crack open the lid of this very limited, All-alone Little Human just trying to survive reality box.
The Observer in me has been a bit taken aback at my unleashed vehemence these last several weeks since the opening. I'll tell myself to just let that shit go, and I actually do that for a bit, and then a thought or event triggers it, and off I go again....
And....I realize that anger, regardless of whether I do or don't express it outwardly, is helping me to establish boundaries and keep out of playing games I really no longer desire to take part in. I'm not harming anybody, and I'm not on a rampage going around telling people off here and there--at least, most of the time I'm not.
I find I just frankly don't care about people's trauma-dramas anymore. They are enjoying the hell out of them, but I don't need to pretend it matters to me. They are divine sovereign individuals having fun pretending to be Little Humans. Usually, I'm out on my daily walk or putzing in our yard, and stuff just flows on through, pretty much as it's supposed to. It's just rather new--not feeling I have to monitor and keep such tight control of myself.
As for the memories--I realized this morning that I'm finally on my side in them, whereas I wasn't in the past. I'm finally seeing clearly who I was and the energies and limited consciousness I was dealing with in the past. I have never been out to hurt anyone or anything. I wanted to be a benevolent contributor to my world--always....
This morning I realized the Self-Doubter in me is finally put to rest--she's dead and gone, and it's about time....