Armored for Rejection? I was....

 This morning I reread an old channel from 2006 on being a standard:

Crimson Circle 2006 Clarity Series Midsummer New Energy Conference: Adamus Channel (This is a link to the text version, but Audio is also available. Just click on the Clarity Series 2005-2006 in the Crimson Circle website and you'll find it).

Sixteen years ago, I probably listened twice to the above audio channel and then read through the text version also. Things felt very new, even though they resonated, and the profundity or depth of the material easily overwhelmed my mind. I remember staying fully awake through the first listening, but the second time around I would invariably fall asleep. My brother, Steve, experienced the same thing. It wasn't a hypnosis either. It was an awakening to who I really am, to who we all really are.

There is one section that stood out for me:

"You were persecuted for your beliefs. You were persecuted for what you were trying to do at the time. Because of your experience with the Orders, the Orders that you loved so deeply, great pain was brought to you. And it wasn’t just the blood, it was the emotional pain.

The emotional pain for many of you of being asked to leave the order. The remembrance of what it was like to step before the council on Earth at that time and be asked to leave. The feeling of rejection, the feeling of being put out from a group who you loved so dearly, who you committed yourself to so dearly, who you fought for, who you defended.

But I ask you to take this moment to remember and to feel the energy of that moment when you were asked to leave, and why you were asked to leave. And although it has caused difficulties and hardship for you ever since, there was a reason, my dear loved ones.

You had grown so much in your own right. You had become so enlightened and experienced in your own way that the Order itself was no longer appropriate for you. You were asked to leave to go out and discover things for yourself now, to go out and collect and to learn and to grow on your own so that we could come back together again at this moment, in this day of convergence, with all you have picked up along the way, with your wisdom and your love, with the lessons you have learned about yourself and about humanity, and bring them back to this spot.

You have been out harvesting Life, learning Life. You were the teacher who went out to become a new student so that you could return again once more as a new Teacher. And that is why we asked you to leave. It was an honor, although it may not have appeared that way at the time. It was a blessing to you and to All That Is."

While I fully grasp the necessity in being made to leave those I loved so dearly--you really cannot be a full-fledged sovereign when you're so deeply enmeshed with a group. You can't discern your own voice from those you feel so connected to. Going alone for awhile is what sovereignty is about. You have to cultivate a loving and balanced relationship with oneself, the core, if you want to manifest it in your world.

But to be kicked out, to be rejected, ejected out there without a soft place to land? That hurt on a level more painful than physical abuse or torture. I should know. I've been trying throughout this entire lifetime to not feel that awful piercing, breath-sucking pain of being outcast by those I loved and admired and respected. Yet it was happening time and time again, no matter how much I loved and even protected them, saw the best in them even when they let me down. It hit me right in the gut and in the heart--and it shackled me.

You see, I've always been on the outside looking in. Whether it be my biological or married family, spiritual family like Crimson Circle, my class, my school, my friends, my partners, my community, any causes I felt drawn to. I may feel a part of them all for a bit, but eventually I saw what was happening again and again and again. I was always playing the part of supporting actress. No one seemed to truly understand me, or care to.

I know that sounds like a poor pitiful me story....and....I know I created it. I take full responsibility for manifesting it and perceiving it the way I did. But the fear of the pain of rejection was so great that I've had iron-clad armor on this entire time. It was my way of coping. I was trying to protect myself--and that unconscious radiation of a barrier bubble attracted to me a load of experiences of being rejected, unseen, unimportant. Betrayed even, let down, shamed into feeling bad about myself. 

I am the queen of rejection....and.... I am sovereign of my domain.

I have written about having made the connection with another lifetime of my soul, one where I referred to myself as "The Dark Lady." She was the one who basically said, "To hell with it all!" and she dove into evil like never before. I've known that she's been a wounded aspect that influenced my lifetime as Penny by me carrying a huge bag of guilt and shame that didn't really fit anything I've done this time around. I have the scars to prove it. But today my understanding went deeper. I'm finally grasping that she distorted her light into such horrific actions because of the life-altering pain of rejection by those with whom she connected so deeply with in matters of Light and Love--of Consciousness. I can actually feel this awareness tingling within me as I write.

Last weekend I was anticipating a special channel Adamus St-Germain was doing with Shaumbra on Tuesday in honor of  Two's Day, 2-22-22. Out of the blue, I started experiencing back pain that has stayed with me all the way through to this morning, 8 days later. Nothing relieved it, not even walking, or rather, trying to walk. On Tuesday I made the connection to the pain being related to the old power games raging to the surface due to the huge power vortex that has Russia and the Ukraine at war, as well as a lot of other saber-rattling, as Adamus put it, going on around the world. Even here in the US of America and in Canada. In our personal lives, too. There's a huge anger to it that fuels it.

For me, I knew that I put the painful symptom in my back here, and that it was an old power struggle coming out from my own soul's experience. I was getting some benefit from the pain, but I couldn't seem to release it even though I'm done with suffering and self-sacrifice nonsense. I'm shaking my head now because the core personal truth of the moment I've been operating from has been hitting me square between the eyes, for all my life, experience after experience after experience. My master self has been yelling at me, "Penny! You're trying not to feel rejected!!! You had a life expression that felt it so deeply she reacted in knee-jerk anger and victimhood that resulted in having your soul even wonder where that evil out-lash came from. You're afraid of not being able to survive the PAIN of REJECTION! Or at least, not survive it gracefully without horrendous consequences."

Hell, I've been rejected far more often than anything else it seems....and....I'm still here....and I'm no longer a crazed, cornered-feeling bitch either (I have to grin). Regardless, I appreciate me--all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly--and the part that can see it all as the big picture. The canvas of contrasts that is the duality that gave my soul this Earthly human experience that helped me learn how my own field of energy serves me.

The armor against rejection is off. I cried a bit as I let myself feel all that pain of being left out. I had to take off my big-girl panties for a moment in order to do it, to feel into the core of me, to honestly see things as they were. I replayed a lot of scenes through my mind--and I didn't have to dig deep. They were all right at hand, as they have been all along. I just didn't know how to address them until I knew. That's the way sovereignty works. You can hear things, even repeat things that really resonate with you, but you don't realize them for yourself until it's the perfect time for you.

FYI: My back is feeling better and more flexible than it has all week. I felt it loosen as I cried in the mirror, and it's improved more and more as I wrote this out.

It's all okay. No matter what. We're all okay....and....I know this for myself. Not because somebody else told me so....

Hope and Redemption for the Awakening Self-Righteous Frenenemy, Villain, Liar, Cheat

"I did it all wrong...."

I don't know what he meant because he didn't elaborate on it, but these are the words Grandpa said to his son, my dad, towards the end of a very rocky and tumultuous relationship. They couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything, yet they couldn't stay away from each other either. In retrospect, I sense they liked the power struggle game they played out together. They were having fun with it....until they weren't.

Something shifted with them when Dad told us what Grandpa had said. Afterwards, they spent a day fishing together, just the two of them. That was an unprecedented event between a man--a survivor--who saw his family through the Great Depression and a son who was a bit more sensitive than many men of his era, those who grew up during World War II. 

My dad probably wouldn't have liked being called sensitive--most men of his time wouldn't--but the truth is I see the kindness and vulnerability stuffed and hidden beneath the mask of a tough exterior and a black and white sense of right and wrong. I saw it in my grandpa, too. I see it in everyone, actually, and the more macho the talk, the more obvious it is that someone is trying to get a handle on their own fear.

I love and appreciate the men in my life just as I love and appreciate the women....and what's coming about right now is we're in an era of bringing into balance the masculine and the feminine facets that exist in every single one of us. We're bringing it into a healthy and delightful dance. In other words--the Power Game Survival of the Fittest is obsolete and on its way out. The villain roles are no longer needed.

"Bring that which is hidden into the Light."

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I've been passionate about changing the endings of most of our stories of the ages where the villain dies in the end. It's never truly felt like a happy or even fully resolved ending to me. I won't be sitting in the front row seat of anyone's execution, no matter how awful a person has been. I am saddened and hurt at the heinous acts unawakened humans are capable of doing....and....I am also aware of the potential of immensely compassionate inspiration they could provide to their world by waking up, grabbing the bull by the horns and saying out loud, "I did something wrong."

Someone once did that with me on the subject of molestation--they apologized to me without trying to justify it--and it forever changed the course of my life and my perspective. I'm writing and addressing stuff I once thought I'd never bring up--things I felt ashamed of, embarrassed about, guilty over. All because someone had the courage to say, "I'm sorry."

Bring me your weary and awakening self-righteous frenemies, villains, liars and cheats....

My purpose in writing this is to give everyone a soft place to land, to rest, to reflect, to weep, to feel into the REAL YOU!

....put down your weapons, take off your macho armor, and open those shut-down terrified hearts to hope....to brand new beginnings.

You--we are ALL so much more than these Little Human roles we've been playing out together. I would so love you to know that before you die because that helps change and elevate our world more than you having all these realizations on the other side of the Veil, after the fact.

These past two years of the coronavirus have brought out the Self-Righteous Frenemy aspect.

These are the "friends" who believe they have a moratorium on how we should all be. They think they are the intellectuals whom people need to follow because humans just can't be trusted to manage their own lives as well as someone "more knowledgeable of 'the facts' can."

Frankly, I don't like being told how to be. Political correctness is a lying bunch of bullshit if it isn't coming from a sincere heart--and we can all see through bullshit, if we choose.

These so-called friendly posers actually believe they have the best interests of the world at heart, but they are so blind to their own self-righteousness that they can't see what they are actually doing. It often involves pointing fingers of blame at someone else....and....those fingers always manage to do a 180, and point right back at the pointer.

And....unawakened and unaware humans have been too quick to give their own sovereignty and responsibility for their own life into the hands of someone else all too happy to play the power game out with them.

I am all about freedom here, and I trust you to be the best version of yourself you can be when you've awakened to whom you really are. Suddenly all those causes and power struggles cease to matter, and it becomes more of a focus on living your best life, regardless of what anyone else thinks....and no longer whining about how naughty someone else is being.

If you've played the role of frenemy, it's really okay, you know. You are well-placed to bring some light and humor to the whole subject. I'll forgive you because, of course, I've dabbled in that, too.

Don't try to excuse, rationalize or justify your indiscretions...

To be human--especially unawakened to the more that you are--means you are capable of having done atrocious acts in order to play in the game of Survival of the Fittest. We've all been there, done that....maybe not so much in this particular lifetime for some, but we've most likely played some evil, twisted stuff out in other lifetimes.

You can really bring in the Light to some of the darkest places and reveal otherwise unseen potentials of resolution, but you have to choose it and want it with all of your heart and being....

I won't hold anyone accountable for their evil acts if they truly and sincerely choose to take responsibility for themselves and seek as passionately for a way to make amends as they did to do their power-seeking deeds. 

As in my favorite parable, The Little Soul and the Sun, given to us by Neale Donald Walsh:

"Thank you for playing the villain roles for me so I could experience the concept of foregiveness. I know the sacrifice it took to forget the light and goodness that you are in order for you to play those awful parts for me....I KNOW the love you have for me that made you volunteer to do it. You have my utmost gratitude....

You asked me to help you remember who you are after I had my realization about forgiveness....well, here I am, my love....

That wasn't the real you....and now that you know that, your special brand of shining light can reveal potential resolutions and solutions to your world that you didn't see back in those days of your own villainous roles. You don't have to say a word--just relax and open your heart to seeing the true you--a gift always, in all your ways....

And....it's all okay. We're all alright....

Be the inspiration that you are, right here, right now....I'll start it off by giving you a great big bear hug....

It's all going to work out....