And I look at Max and I second-guess my choice of trusting that all is well with him—that he doesn’t have to eat in order to be a healthy, abundantly life-filled being. That under the layers of hypnotic overlay, at the core of him lies a perfectly healthy being. I recognize this easily for myself, but it is hard to do the same with my loved ones.
I stop from time to time and just breathe alongside him. I take walks just to breathe and center myself and try to keep from hovering over him, suffocating him with my waffling, self-distrusting ways. He's always better and more present when we just breathe together, and I let go of the story. I released him when he was in the most distressing state, but he's chosen to stay--and we're both walking that journey of what it's like to be alive in this world without having to accept the mass conscious belief that we have to eat in order to be joyfully alive and well. Old habits are hard to chuck aside.
I tell myself I should be living my life with joy and making choices, but instead I find I've been playing a waiting game, still just trying to make it through each moment and this steady bombardment of feelings that's painful and relentless. It's mentally and physically exhausting.
The book by Kate Morton, The House in Riverton, haunts me and I wish I’d never read it because I read to uplift myself. This just left me feeling bereft; and no amount of compassion, justification, and understanding of the characters’ choices at each point along the way that led to such painful, death-filled conclusions, took away the fact that it happened. Guilt permeated the story—it was the foundation of the plot. I couldn’t handle the feelings it evoked in me.
*Note: I need to clarify here that I absolutely love the novels written by Kate Morton. They are epic masterpieces with authentic characters whose stories span continents and time. Her writing touches me like no other--I just feel myself more energetically invested in the stories than is sometimes comfortable for me. And I refuse to analyze it any further. I just highly recommend her work.
Finally, this morning, as I sat with Max sipping my cappuccino, I asked for clarity—and I breathed and got it. I remembered that every book I read carries a personal insight for me in its pages—they’ve always helped me recognize perceptions and aspects of myself that I’m not aware of. It’s that sense of not being able to see the forest for the trees. The universe has been pointing out that particular aspect to me in nearly every moment and interaction in a myriad of forms, but it’s been so long a part of me that I have difficulty separating it out from myself right away in order to see it clearly. In this case—it was GUILT.
Guilt is responsible for me distrusting my ability to make sound choices. I’m afraid that no matter how benevolent my intentions, someone is going to get hurt because of me. That, in turn, results in my waffling and second-guessing myself—which leads to my stopping of making conscious choices, thus, stagnation of my life, and that awful waiting game, that just getting through life, moment by moment, stuck.
I’ve been trying to mentally handle and control the guilt—telling myself not to feel that way. But that is a load of mental and spiritual bullshit—I can’t control or avoid how I feel, no matter how awful or painful it is. And trying not to be or feel actually intensifies that pain and draws the suffering of it out longer.
I’ve tried to mentally rescript the past, but it doesn’t work that way—I can’t “figure my out” of a painful experience even by trying to put a positive spin on it. I just have to let it be an experience (some which I hate)—to not judge my choices leading to it as bad or good, as mistakes, or wrong or right. It was ultimately just an experience I immersed myself in, which my soul squeezed the wisdom essence from, discarding the pain-filled human details in the process. I’ve just been hanging onto the human details, not realizing they were unnecessary, that they were clogging up the flow of my life.
And all I have to do to release myself from the GUILT thing is simply acknowledge that I'm aware of it: "Hey! Now I see you..." And breathe...No more struggling, trying to figure out what to do with it--struggling entangles me more. Just simply see it and know that all is truly well...
I stop from time to time and just breathe alongside him. I take walks just to breathe and center myself and try to keep from hovering over him, suffocating him with my waffling, self-distrusting ways. He's always better and more present when we just breathe together, and I let go of the story. I released him when he was in the most distressing state, but he's chosen to stay--and we're both walking that journey of what it's like to be alive in this world without having to accept the mass conscious belief that we have to eat in order to be joyfully alive and well. Old habits are hard to chuck aside.
I tell myself I should be living my life with joy and making choices, but instead I find I've been playing a waiting game, still just trying to make it through each moment and this steady bombardment of feelings that's painful and relentless. It's mentally and physically exhausting.
The book by Kate Morton, The House in Riverton, haunts me and I wish I’d never read it because I read to uplift myself. This just left me feeling bereft; and no amount of compassion, justification, and understanding of the characters’ choices at each point along the way that led to such painful, death-filled conclusions, took away the fact that it happened. Guilt permeated the story—it was the foundation of the plot. I couldn’t handle the feelings it evoked in me.
*Note: I need to clarify here that I absolutely love the novels written by Kate Morton. They are epic masterpieces with authentic characters whose stories span continents and time. Her writing touches me like no other--I just feel myself more energetically invested in the stories than is sometimes comfortable for me. And I refuse to analyze it any further. I just highly recommend her work.
Finally, this morning, as I sat with Max sipping my cappuccino, I asked for clarity—and I breathed and got it. I remembered that every book I read carries a personal insight for me in its pages—they’ve always helped me recognize perceptions and aspects of myself that I’m not aware of. It’s that sense of not being able to see the forest for the trees. The universe has been pointing out that particular aspect to me in nearly every moment and interaction in a myriad of forms, but it’s been so long a part of me that I have difficulty separating it out from myself right away in order to see it clearly. In this case—it was GUILT.
Guilt is responsible for me distrusting my ability to make sound choices. I’m afraid that no matter how benevolent my intentions, someone is going to get hurt because of me. That, in turn, results in my waffling and second-guessing myself—which leads to my stopping of making conscious choices, thus, stagnation of my life, and that awful waiting game, that just getting through life, moment by moment, stuck.
I’ve been trying to mentally handle and control the guilt—telling myself not to feel that way. But that is a load of mental and spiritual bullshit—I can’t control or avoid how I feel, no matter how awful or painful it is. And trying not to be or feel actually intensifies that pain and draws the suffering of it out longer.
I’ve tried to mentally rescript the past, but it doesn’t work that way—I can’t “figure my out” of a painful experience even by trying to put a positive spin on it. I just have to let it be an experience (some which I hate)—to not judge my choices leading to it as bad or good, as mistakes, or wrong or right. It was ultimately just an experience I immersed myself in, which my soul squeezed the wisdom essence from, discarding the pain-filled human details in the process. I’ve just been hanging onto the human details, not realizing they were unnecessary, that they were clogging up the flow of my life.
And all I have to do to release myself from the GUILT thing is simply acknowledge that I'm aware of it: "Hey! Now I see you..." And breathe...No more struggling, trying to figure out what to do with it--struggling entangles me more. Just simply see it and know that all is truly well...
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