The Blessing of My Dark Side

One of the greatest challenges for me in this journey has been to embrace my shadow side—the human part who felt so separated from God that she did some evil things out of fear for her own survival, things she wished she could have a "do-over" with, in order to set things right. But what does one do with "a wrong?"

Judas, the betrayer, hung himself. Most of the evil villains in books and stories ended up being killed off—that was the "happily ever-after" ending. But I didn’t want that ending.

I wanted an ending where the bad guy/girl had a change of heart—a one-eighty—where she used her past experiences to shed compassion and encouragement and hope for those touched by her life. I wanted an ending where gratitude took the place of forgiveness, and in that process, atrocious wrongs were undone—where it was a truly happy ending for all.

The story of Saul turned "Paul" intrigued me. I wondered what happened in that Christed moment on the road that had him shift from being a persecutor and murderer of Christians to being a Christian himself. Didn’t he feel guilty over his past? How was he able to let that guilt go?

I’ve seen so many "born again" Christians (including myself at one time) who said they accepted God’s forgiveness of their transgressions, but we were still hauling that old guilt and shame baggage around on our shoulders.

But God seemed to help me with that one, too. When I had a shameful secret emerge to the surface, that inner knowingness kept encouraging me, "Penny, bring that which is hidden into the Light. Share your secret and your story with others. Be honest about what you’re thinking and feeling. You don’t need to blame anyone else or name names. This is your shame, your responsibility, your life. When you feel ashamed of something you’re doing, put Me there. You know you really can’t hide anything from me—why waste the energy on the game of deception?"

I always imagined God as being like my dad—his was a safe lap to cry on. He was always there to pick me up when I took a tumble, and he’d hold my hand for a bit until I got steady on my feet once again. Then he’d cheer me on when I took off running again. In truth, I actually got this from both of my parents—Mom’s embrace, too, was heavenly and wise.

The thing is, I am grateful for those who have played the dark roles for me. Without them, I would not have known what I was made of—how strong I am, how loving I am, how compassionate, how thankful…I needed the dark experiences in order to literally "see" the light in me.

I have an even greater appreciation of the Light because of the Dark playing its part, all out of love for me. I like to draw with pencil a bit, so I love the contrasts between black and white and all the shades in-between. Without them, there is no picture.

I had another personal mantra/reminder:
"Apologize not, for your own or for another's life; for it's OUT of LOVE that we ALL come, and it's UNTO LOVE that we ALL return."

And now that I've come this far, I know how painful it is to intentionally hurt another or myself--it's that "whatever goes out from me, comes back to me" thing. And now that I know that, I choose to release my dark actors from the roles I scripted them. I set them free and I wish them joy in being.

If my life had been all hunky-dory and painless and shameless, I’d never have had any incentive to search for God, to look to be more, to challenge the status quo of "this is how life is…," to grow and to consciously seek to think higher thoughts…

I guess, in short, all of this is just my way of saying to each of those Prodigal Children (Envy, Greed, Vanity, Sloth, Liar, Hypocrite, Gossip—to name a few) inside of me, "Thank you, Babe. Great performance. I love you."