I Don't Have Issues

I don't have issues...

There is NOTHING WRONG with me!

I am doing NOTHING WRONG! 

No one, nothing outside of me, is doing anything WRONG! I am the one who chose to hold energies for others--they didn't force them on me--they couldn't, unless some aspect of me chose to play the game with them.

All the pain I've been experiencing--for example, lower back and leg pain--is NOT MINE!...Take a deep breath, Pen...

All the issues I've been trying to "fix"--for example, Bella peeing on rugs--are NOT MINE!...Take a deep breath, Pen...

I am CONSCIOUSNESS and ENERGY SENSITIVE!

The energies and consciousness of large crowds of people used to literally physically stop me in my tracks. I couldn't step forward unless I closed my eyes and took a deep, center-in-myself breath. It used to be emotionally overwhelming, as well. About 97 percent of what we humans--all humans--feel and think is not our own consciousness. We're all connected--it's why we don't need words to communicate with one another--not really.

So...I have been FEELING the bombardment of all the chaotic changing energies as if they were ALL MINE. Little Human Penny has been THINKING that it all was something wrong with me, because I felt it all so personally. Little Human Penny, stuck in a twisted and complex mental rut, kept wondering and wandering in a circle, believing I was doing something wrong and "trying to figure out a solution"--or feelingly believing that I just had to put up with it...

Simply put: EVERYTHING health wise and relationship-wise that I've been experiencing and feeling IS NOT MY STUFF! I am energy sensitive. I NO LONGER CLAIM it as my own! I have NOTHING to fix, analyze, judge or handle. I have nothing to think about!

If it's in my life, I put it there. If it's still in my life, even though I don't like it, I'm benefiting from it...so...HOW am I using it to serve me?

In the past, Little Human Penny used pain as a means to ALLOW herself to quit trying to be of SERVICE in the old way--which was handing herself over as a main course for others to energetically feed off her. Being in too much pain to take care of others (remember the flood of 2011--she couldn't even walk) was easier for her to do than it was to simply say, "No."

Years ago, after the death of my first boyfriend, when I felt the most worthless, I used taking care of others outside of me as my sole purpose in being alive...and that's been a really tough habit to break. A person risks being rejected by loved ones for saying such things as, "No."

It's a difficult shift to make, even when, deep-down, I've known that if I'm always there to pick up the pieces when someone has CHOSEN (on some level) to stumble and fall in an experience, that I'm not ALLOWING that person to discover himself/herself. Sometimes the greatest honoring and most compassionate SERVICE is to just let it all go...even though I probably look like a heartless bitch...even though my loved one might not understand where I'm coming from.

I am much better at saying, "No," without needing an excuse for myself, with myself. I no longer need the pain in order to do so. The misery and lack of joy in life that I feel is NOT MINE!

I am consciousness and energy SENSITIVE...

...and I TRULY KNOW that All is well in All of Creation...

Do you feel all mushy, too, Fellow Caterpillar?

Don't worry about turning physically mushy, or forgetting what you were saying or doing just a moment ago, or the fact that some days you just can't seem to function like you used to. Because--my friends and fellow sovereigns--it's TEMPORARY! We're all transforming into the human versions of butterflies--we're integrating our LIGHT BODIES.

It's an amazing, naturally-occurring experience to live through--and because I'm aware of it happening, I'm choosing to allow this monumental change to happen with as much ease and grace as I can without mentally and emotionally getting in my own way. Without judging that something is "wrong" with me.

At least, it's temporary if you feelingly believe it's temporary. If you choose to believe whatever you have going on is a permanent state of being--then permanent it will be, specifically and lovingly, in honor of YOU and your conscious, or unconscious, choice! Yes, my loves--YOU, and only you, have that kind of influence on your life!

It's sometimes scary and disconcerting, though, when you're accustomed to looking and feeling a certain way, and following certain rules--when, suddenly, you don't look the same, and the old tried and true rules like diet and exercise and medicines or therapies and treatments don't create the expected outcomes anymore. 

In my case, I manifested a belly--and for the first time in my life, clothes aren't fitting. It doesn't matter what or when I eat or how many belly-reduction exercises I try. I'm fit otherwise--and I walk with ease, but I don't bend too well. My husband, who is a few years older than me, is having the same bewildering thing going on at the same time. I do know it will pass, but it's not fun--and I don't feel or look as slender as I'm accustomed to being. Some days, I just have to hug myself with love and unconditional acceptance and encouragement instead of looking in the mirror--we humans are so deeply programmed to look into that mirror with nothing but judgment.

In the interim, I bought some yoga pants and active wear clothing that allow me to move more easily. I'm able to garden, and being outdoors with nature helps me breathe more deeply and flow my energies. I know I'm okay, and I'm not worried. This, too, shall pass. I know my body knows how to balance itself naturally and I've been choosing more and more each day to let go of trying to fix things I "think" are "wrong" with my body, and instead, ALLOW it to do its thing--this incredible transformation--in the most graceful and easy way possible. Worry and self-doubt only muck up the process. Instead, I view both myself and my husband as being pregnant with our own new consciousness body--it helps. Ha!

Adamus Saint-Germain reminded us in the May Shoud of 2014 to just breathe all that energy in--to not discriminate the dark energies from the light--and that helped me open up and just breathe EVERYTHING in! It loosened me up. So I'm currently breathing in, accepting my chubby-feeling belly in place of holding my breath, trying to suck it in.

After Adamus worked with us, during this most recent June Crimson Circle Shoud (2014), with just ALLOWING one's LIGHT BODY to integrate, I've felt myself shift open even more. It doesn't matter what I eat or drink, or whether or how I exercise anymore--I'm feeling more FREE to simply ENJOY LIVING.

I recently endured 2 months of misery with my body temperature zinging from cold and clammy one moment, to hot and steamy, the next. I experienced warmth in the heel of my right foot at the same time. Thankfully, thankfully, THANKFULLY, those symptoms passed--and I'm grateful to be done with them. Can you tell? It seems I had to dive in and experience the old menopause consciousness paradigm. 

Any Shaumbra and lightworkers reading this will know that there were some amazing energies coming in and shaking things up in April through the entire month of May this year (2014). Even this month of June has had its fair share of energies flying in and out, and being felt all over the place.

Yes, I recently turned fifty--and I don't give a crap whether someone thinks I'm menopausal or not. I choose to not commiserate with anyone else over it. I may or may not be menopausal--but it DOESN'T MATTER TO ME, either way. And not worrying about it is what makes the difference. After all that bleeding, who needs it? My husband finds me easier to live with now, probably, more than ever.

Someday, those periods which we women have had to be embarrassed with due to that sexual energy virus running the show, will be a part of our biological past. We won't need to shed blood in order to reproduce, though it may take awhile to become our reality.

A lot of people have made age 50 a benchmark of sorts for our biology to really start falling apart. We're taught that our cells quit rejuvenating, and instead, start aging and getting stiff, and dying off, never to be replaced. I've observed others around me creating certain issues with their bodies because of beliefs they've made their truth about what happens at certain ages--everything from 30 to 80. It becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.

I had an aunt who told me that her husband used to tell her, based on his own experience, that once you turned 80, your health went all to hell. She adamantly believed it to be true, and sure enough, when she turned 80, she began having health issues up the wa-zoo. Prior to all of that, this was a woman who was joyfully climbing ladders to paint the eaves on her house and mowing ten acres of lawn and shoveling her own walk. After she turned 80, every time we talked, I was given a rundown of her latest malady.

Look at what happens to that caterpillar who was once a sleek and green, plant-eating machine: She grows sluggish, falls apart until she's mush, and then one day, awakens, and emerges from that dead-looking, petrified prison of a cocoon only to discover she looks nothing like the identity she was accustomed to being. She has a completely new body that is much more colorful. She feeds differently, utilizes energy differently and moves differently--she flies!

I'm thinking that caterpillar had to experience some pain and frustration in the transmutation process. Many humans start going to the doctor or some health practitioner when they experience either body changes and symptoms out of the ordinary, or when they have symptoms that match what they've been told, and believe, are what happens when you reach a certain age, or if you do something wrong. They go into a type of fear. In short, they believe something is wrong with them. 

Because of the EMOTIONAL reaction to that MENTAL JUDGMENT--"Some thing's wrong with me"--a reality story is manifested that matches that radiated conscious belief. And it's off and running...

I did that, too, early on, because it was deeply ingrained in our human consciousness that that was just how you do it. But after so many visits to health care professionals and trying various remedies and treatment flavors of the day, I began to notice that if I did walk away with a diagnosis, I had a tendency to focus and dwell on it, and I watched as I made the story of my life surrounding that diagnosis and treatment turn into a larger and more dense reality. I gave someone or something else power over my life. I built a symptom or two into a huge story to experience and explore--and my fear surrounding death and pain and permanent disease were the biggest building blocks. I created something of a reality prison for myself. I got stuck in a reality I knew I created and I couldn't quite figure out how to release myself from it.

I tried fighting the diagnosed illness--and that just made the disease story grow even bigger.

I tried various treatments ranging from diet and food monitoring to herbs, exercises and other alternative healing modalities--but in the end, I realized I was giving my power away to someone or something outside of myself. And that didn't jibe with what I KNEW to be true WITHIN myself. It felt like a never-ending game of the latest and greatest fad.

I tried ignoring it--but that didn't work either. Sometimes the pain would slap me extra hard just to get me to realize that trying to avoid something was still focusing my attention on it enough to keep manifesting it in my reality. I had to learn to let go of trying to control and manipulate, and, instead, simply just BREATHE it in, FEEL IT, and EXPLORE the experience, instead of trying to deny it.

Just BREATHE and DRINK it all in--BREATHE in that pain! Drink it in. OPEN UP and BREATHE it all deep down into your belly. EXPLORE it and FEEL it all. It doesn't matter if it's dark energy or light energy--it's all energy serving YOU! 

If you keep the energies easily flowing through you simply by breathing it all in and keeping your personal energy field open--ALLOWING--you're allowing the energies to NATURALLY neutralize, and you're creating an easier reality for yourself to be in.

If you breathe shallowly (only into your lungs/chest), you put up defensive energy barriers around you  If you're closed in tight in protective mode--that's what you, the source and center of your created world, is radiating out from your conscious awareness; and the energies that serve you, unconditionally, match themselves to that radiation: They manifest as something for you to defend against.

I have moments and days just like those of the seemingly-dying caterpillar. Sometimes I forget names or what I'm saying mid-sentence, or I forget what I had planned to do a moment ago. 

I read with ease all the time, but the last few years, I've noticed that whenever I write checks to pay the monthly bills, it's all just one big blur--every single check I write. I've realized I've been drawing on my own PERSONAL and UNLIMITED field of abundant energy. I'm accessing dimensions that I didn't know were there before--and the blurring is helping me recognize that. I haven't broke out in a sweat over keeping the bills paid for quite a few years now. The money is just there, without me worrying over whether or not I have enough. It's simply there as I need it in the moment. I'm no longer trying to control and monitor its flow by balancing the checkbook the way I was taught in school. I know most financial planners would call me crazy--that I'm not being logical or "realistic"--but it's working for me.

I feel especially sensitive to the energies all around me. Sometimes I feel a tearful, grieving feeling that has nothing to do with what I have going on personally. This morning I feel drowsy, and there are storms building in the area. I took my morning walk just to breathe it all deeply in and through. I may still lie down for a nap, or not. I seem to be writing here instead--something I hadn't planned on doing. I don't generally sleep an entire 6-8 hours in a row at night anymore. I haven't done so for many years--it's usually in chunks of a 1-3 hour span of sound sleep, if I do. Throughout the night, I get up and use the bathroom, and stretch if I'm in pain. One thing I have noticed, though, is that it doesn't matter if I toss and turn an entire night with aches and pains at times--I still generally get up in the mornings feeling rested. 

Several years ago, in the early days of my awakening self-awareness, that wasn't the case--I used to wake up so exhausted I'd fall asleep again for a few hours. I was dizzy, my heart would race off, and it was all I could do to simply function.

There's a whole lot of change going on in this world and with our bodies, and I see so many people worried about those body symptoms. We're free to experience them and address them as each individual chooses--but maybe it doesn't hurt to keep in mind that all this change, all these symptoms are just TEMPORARY. And does it hurt to consider that something beautiful is maybe emerging in you, rather than something tragic and traumatic? The choice is ultimately yours...

Yes! There IS Life after Death

Yes, life continues on after death, but you have to open up your heart and your mind to the possibility, first.


Life is eternal. Death is just changing from one form to another.


Love lets go--completely!

You have to be willing to completely let go of everything and everyone. SET YOUR CREATIONS--all of your characters--FREE. Leave not one single string or strand attached. Totally let them all go--so they can freely return to you in a grander way.

Several months after our cat, Molly, died (after I'd come to the conclusion on my own that there was a good purpose in the whole experience for me), a woman told Adamus Saint-Germain that she'd also recently experienced the loss of her pet, and that she was having a difficult time with it. Adamus responded by asking her if she could completely release her pet, so that the pet could return to her in a far grander manner than what either of them had experienced before. His response matched my own conclusions surrounding Molly, and later, Max. I just had to constantly remind myself to stay open to new possibilities, especially when surrounded by the consciousness of those journeying through the loss of their own loved ones in the old, established traditional ways.

A great deal of energy--in forms such as efforting and finance--is expended, and copious acres of precious land are used up, by our determination to hang onto our past creations and roles--our loved ones. Take a realistic look at how much overall energy we direct to trying to handle, control and even avoid death--which, thankfully, is a sure thing for all of us at some point here on earth. When we try to preserve bodies through embalming, or cryogenically freezing them for re-animation at a later date, etc., we're not giving our creations freedom. We're keeping them entombed in a dead, imprisoned, stagnant and unnatural state of being.

It's why cremation, in my old energy consciousness, was my chosen form for dealing with my corpse, if I happened to leave one behind. Fire transmutes--it sets us free of our old physical state of being, and ashes don't litter the earth or carry diseases. Cremation, after a physical death, allows us to later return to embodiment on this earth, free and clear of all of our old stories and identities. We can still visit them--our pasts--but we're no longer stuck in stories that we don't desire to be in. Look at all the land filled with corpses--cemeteries no longer usable for any other resource except storage of the dead. I appreciate and love history, but I don't think we need to preserve it in such a way that it crowds out the living of life in the right now moment.

And I'm truly finally seeing the extremely strong possibility that we don't have to leave physical bodies behind anymore for disposal. And that, yes, there is a gift in Death. But in order to see it, embrace it, and start a new conscious--and different--experience of it, I'm going to have to first be completely HONEST about my perceptions and experiences and feelings surrounding it.

In order to clear the way, make room for, the brand new, I'm going to have to let go of a lot of old suggested ideas (ages-old) about "this is how you experience death"--which are that you're basically supposed to grieve and feel like shit.

In the past, I mourned my loss. I mourned what happened. I mourned what could have been, and wasn't. I mourned what could no longer be. I'm depressed just re-visiting the feeling of those prior statements.

In place of the grieving, how about celebrating and toasting the human character role that was played so convincingly well--the dark and the light aspects--by a spirit choosing to be temporarily incarnate in an earthly biology/body for the sole purpose of  expressing, experiencing and discovering oneself, while in the company of others on like journeys? For the joy of experiencing reality in such a profoundly sensual way, unequalled by any other? How about allowing myself to interact with the spirit of the departed right here, right now--regardless of their form, and my form of being?

With an expanded consciousness, there becomes enough room on this planet for all, when we realize that we are free to embody and leave scenes and settings/stages in a manner beyond the old 3-D time and space. When we can slip in and out of our bodies at will, never leaving behind a corpse for anyone to have to bury, burn or dispose of--the earth is free of a bunch of old bones--and sorrows. Elijah, of the Old Testament, did this. Kuthumi Lal Singh--a self-master--did this. I've been writing all about role-playing, knowing that's what I've been doing all along. It's just that I hadn't quite put it together this way with death. Death has been a fearful and traumatic and sticky issue for me.

I recently more fully realized this about death, after spending a few hours this spring working in our yard--it hasn't been easy. I can walk miles lately, pain-free, and with ease and joy. Three years ago, I had to temporarily give up walking because of lower back and leg pain.

This transformation into a brand-new light body, from the DNA out into the entirety of my physical biology, has been quite an experience. There has been joy and enlightenment, and there has been pain and discomfort, frustration and consternation. Lately--my body temperature zings from cold and clammy to hot and sweaty in an instant, and then back again in the next moment. My right heel gets really warm sometimes. I get the odd pains in my feet and legs--often it's in the middle of the night when I'd like to be zonked out sleeping. I've had psoriasis patches (some that lasted for years, others for months) that have finally faded. Occasionally, I'll awaken with some pains in my stomach or sides--but they pass after I take a few deep breaths, and calm and reassure myself that I'm okay, it's just my body changing.

Old mindsets like to call the temperature swings menopause, and while I am chronologically 50 years here, I'm also aware that men are experiencing this symptom as much as women are. The entire biology of humanity is changing, regardless of what people want to call it. I don't care what someone else chooses to call it--for me, it's simply enough that I am changing on all levels. All my old identities and stories and obsolete biology and beliefs are simply dying--only this time around I'm staying incarnate, very much alive, on the planet while it's happening.

I've regained my ability to walk, but I still find it difficult to squat, bend, or kneel to garden. It's changing the positions that is challenging. An hour or two spent clearing all the old plant debris (last year's carcasses) away, and disposing of it, has left me hurting for hours afterward--and it's caused me to reflect on death, and how difficult I have made it be for myself.

This whole death thing has to be easier, disease-free, trauma-free, and tragedy-free. And there has to be a way to quickly and easily and freely transmute our bodies when we desire to let go of playing a certain character role--whether temporarily or permanently. Adamus and Tobias have told about freely stepping in and out of a physical bodily form, in order to interact with humans (ascended masters who took their energetic bodies with them on leaving physicality are supposedly able to do this). But they said that it was hard to stay incarnate in their own energetic body longer than a few days when in the old human consciousness reality prior to 2012. *(This is different than channeling, where a cooperative human consciously chooses to step aside to allow a spiritual entity, or higher self, the use of their body temporarily as a method of communicating with humans). The post 2012 consciousness energies are supposed to support our ability to more easily do that--but our bodies and minds need to upgrade, make a shift in biology--in order to be able to do it, and that is what is taking time.

It's been challenging for me to step out and stay clear while still living in the old, very prolifically dense, consciousness surrounding death--I've been afraid that people will think I'm cold-hearted and uncaring. But I can't control how others perceive me, and I've finally realized that it's more important to me to get a better understanding of death, and to go beyond it, than it is to be on any one's "favorites" list.

When I first saw my 23-year-old boyfriend's corpse lying in that casket, my impression was that he was no longer there. I had the distinct feeling that I was looking at a cold, lifeless shell, no matter how much make-up the mortician sympathetically applied, no matter how fine his clothing, or elaborate the coffin and the flowers surrounding him--it just really didn't look, or more importantly, feel, like him. It was missing his animation, his breath. He was gone--there was no life, no light, no real sense of who he was, no spirit left in that empty husk.

And when I attended his funeral, I didn't really get any comfort from the sermon--those were just words and verses repeated, and music played for every one's funerals. They added in a few personal anecdotes, but the rest was pretty standard stuff. I stood there with my parents, feeling all alone, though I was surrounded by people--the church was full. I cried and I felt eyes watching me. I just wanted to be by myself, and I also wanted to be held--two totally opposite things, but that's how I felt, nonetheless.

In the days following, I sensed and heard other's expectations about how a grieving girlfriend should comport and handle herself. I believed that maybe I should no longer enjoy my own life; and I gave in to those--my--perceived expectations, and I let self-doubt, and unworthiness in being, permeate me entirely. I blamed myself for his death, believing that maybe if I hadn't taken him for granted, been a better person, then maybe he wouldn't have had to die. I immersed myself completely in experiencing what it was like to be a blind-to-who-I-really-am human journeying through a tragedy of losing someone I cared for to that scary thing called Death.

I've been immersed in it for over thirty years. It's about time I allowed myself full clarity and full expression on the subject...and so it is. Don't pity me my old story, because I chose to go through it in order to gain extensive wisdom on the subject--and I'm doing well, and so is the spirit/soul who played the part of my boyfriend. It's all good--truly it is.

Over-population and depletion of the Earth's natural and abundant resources, and beauty, are no longer issues when humans can consciously come and go in flowing and flexible bodily forms. We no longer have to rely on the old destructive atrocities like war, disease, famine, hunting or genocide as means of trying to control population growth of any entity or being, whether it be human, animal or plant. Survival of the fittest just becomes obsolete...there is benevolent room for all of us...

It's a brand new world, with a brand new way of playing together, even playing together harmoniously while in total freedom...

For starters, you just have to open up to the possibility that it's true...and then change what you practice...

P.S. The definition of INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome.

"I DESERVE to be treated with Loving Kindness": Releasing Oneself from Abuse

If I am continuing to experience abuse, it's because I am allowing it. Something, some ASPECT inside of me is yammering at me that I deserve the abuse, that I am UNWORTHY of grace and ease.


"No! Stop!"--Say it and mean it! No IFs or BUTs. 

"I deserve to be treated with kindness--with the kindness I so freely extend to you."

State the above like the owner and master of your own life--not like a whiny victim having a tantrum because she/he didn't get what she wanted the first, second or twentieth time. OLD ENERGY DIES HARD, and this I am an unworthy human aspect consciousness has been in place for millennia. If you can recognize and acknowledge this SELF-DOUBT FEELING inside of you, you'll feel more freedom of being and breathing--but you're going to open yourself up to drawing experiences to you where you get to PRACTICE over and over and over again setting this BOUNDARY of LOVE for yourself, and stating in such a manner that brooks no argument:

"I deserve to be treated with kindness. I deserve grace and ease."

It DOES NOT MATTER if I played a dark role in my past (even if my past is as recent as my previous breath), because I AM brand new with each and every breath, RIGHT NOW. I am, I exist ONLY in the present moment--and I DESERVE kindness. I can't tell you the number of times someone has told me that a person they were mad at (whether it was herself or another) didn't deserve to be acknowledged or praised for a kind act. That person was focused on living in the past, being UNFORGIVING, and not opening her heart or mind to starting over right now, with a fresh clean slate and breath.

Thanks to all the parts played out with love, and in service to me, I finally got clarity and gained insight into how to more consciously create the reality I desire to experience:

To the friend who provoked me to honest, messy, heart-racing expression of myself during our phone conversation.

To the sleeping-blind people who twisted religious ideas to match their prejudices, their self-righteous acts, and their choices to perpetuate fighting, and getting even, rather than to seek a win-win resolution.

To my itty-bitty naughty, peeing kitty--Bella.

To Adamus Saint-Germain, who reminded me to put no cause, person, or being before ME--no matter how uncomfortably selfish it feels to do that. 

And who helped me remember I am just passing through the realm of all these experiences, and that NO ONE is judging my performance--there is no higher or greater being that is judging me. The Source of All that Is does not judge any of us. No one is critiquing whether I'm doing it "right" or "wrong"--judgment is exercised only by blind humans who forgot who they are.

And to Lee Harris, whose channels reminded me that LOVE SETS BOUNDARIES.



I deserve loving kindness...

Close your eyes. Place your hand on your stomach, inhale a breath through your nose, drawing it so deeply into your belly that it pushes your hand up as your diaphragm inflates, and then exhale the breath out your mouth and feel your hand drop with the release of the air. Say, "I deserve loving kindness." Breathe again. Repeat, "I deserve kindness." Breathe again. Breathe and repeat the line until you FEEL the tightness within let loose.

I deliberately used the word "deserve" instead of "choose" in my statement above, because I realized that when I tested using the word "choose"--I felt a waffling hint of self-doubt, a questioning of my worthiness, creeping in with it. "Do I deserve this?"

When I use "deserve"--I feel firm and balanced in myself, and unwavering in my stated desire. I left no room for self-doubt. Self-doubt quickly distorts the best of intentions and creations.

A few months ago, Adamus shared with us the fact that the success rate of creating what we consciously want is usually about 18 percent. That left a lot of room for botched creations--I think three years of trying to deal with cat pee pretty much exemplifies that challenge to take responsibility and to keep making choices until I create what I actually want, in place of whining like a victim when it doesn't happen the way I expected the first, or fifty, time/s. The master, through trial and error, keeps immersing and HONESTLY feeling into her created experiences, and then adjusts making choices from the insights and wisdom gained from them. Wisdom is ALWAYS gained in every experience.

I also realized how important it is to set BOUNDARIES of LOVE. A loving parent generally won't allow her child to beat on her. A loving parent sets boundaries. If we give in to naughty tantrums, we just encourage more of them. It's as important to stand firmly in saying "No" as it is in saying "Yes".

From my cats (my version of kids), I discovered how important it is to FEEL that I DESERVE to be treated with the love and kindness and honor with which I so freely extend to them, and to pretty much everyone who enters my home or my life, in general. I listen with an open heart--I deserve to be listened to with open hearts.

All of this has more to do with standing up within myself, for myself, than anything or anyone outside of me. All those others outside of me are just playing out the roles and scenes I scripted them to play FOR me. Our programmed human minds and mass consciousness are dense with the concept that we humans are unworthy beings "born in sin." That we must prove ourselves worthy of being through our good deeds. I can't seem to turn any direction without self doubt berating me, questioning whether or not I'm being selfish and wrong. It's paralyzing. That unworthy sinner aspect within myself kept me allowing others to abuse me.

The religious "born in sin" idea gets used as an excuse to treat ourselves and others abusively. I don't excuse someone for being mean just because he's drunk too much alcohol--he wanted to be abusive, and simply used being drunk as an excuse to play that role. Likewise, I don't excuse someone who abuses another because "they were born sinners and can't be held responsible for harming themselves or others." Running from accepting full self-responsibility for ALL of one's life experiences just keeps the sexual energy virus in play. The victim abuses as much as the initial abuser if I continue to play victim--after awhile, you can no longer discern one from the other.

Calling something a disease or an addiction--whether it be obesity, alcoholism, sexual abuse, drug abuse, etc.--seems to give humans the excuse to perpetuate their own miserable treatment of themselves and others, and their expected mistreatment by others. Calling something a disease seems to give humans an excuse to not accept full responsibility for her own gift of a life. It seems to perpetuate the "I am a poor victim--that's just how it is" consciousness. And that story never ends. People play with fighting the so-called disease instead of addressing the core energy of it all which is, "Do I even like myself enough to allow myself to receive joyful abundance in life with ease and grace?--Do I deserve to live?"

How do I respect and honor another being's sovereignty and freedom, and my own simultaneously? I discovered I do that by setting boundaries around the treatment of myself. If two cannot agree to play together with mutual respect and kindness--then, in the interest of living harmoniously on the same planet, we should leave each other's presence, go our separate ways--no harm, no foul, no trying to control or manipulate or have power over the other.

I'm not sure what all I've written here. I think the most important point though, is the realization that I deserve to be treated with kindness--and to expect that, always. I'm a huge proponent of using "I choose" statements, but in this case, I felt myself waffling within, so I chose another approach this time around.

Try it out. Close your eyes and say out loud, "I choose to be treated with kindness." Do you feel a bit of wavering, I'm-not-worthy, self-doubt creep in, too? I heard, and felt, my mind yammering at me, "BUT there were these times when you did these bad things, Penny...I was so wrong...so I can choose all I want, but I might not get it because I don't deserve it, blah, blah, blah..."

Now try the same thing using "I deserve" instead. "I deserve to be treated with kindness." State it as a FACT--don't question or doubt your worthiness of receiving simple straightforward kindness. It feels firm and master-y to me. I feel myself setting loving boundaries when I say "I deserve" without using the whiny victim tone. And most importantly--it feels both freeing and respectful...and that's the way I like to play this game we call Life.

Namaste!

How Long Do I Choose to Play "Victim"?--That Is the Question

If I'm the victim in any abusive relationship--I am EQUALLY RESPONSIBLE for the creation, and the cultivation of that relationship abuse that I suffer. I, the victim, am as much responsible for the abuse as my abuser is. 

Once I quit playing the victim role, the abuser has no one left to victimize. The energy-feeding situation/story dissolves when it's no longer fed.

It doesn't matter if the abuse occurs in a partner/spouse relationship, a parent/child relationship, a sibling relationship, a government/constituent relationship, a business relationship, or a friendship.

Whining, commiserating with others (aka, pity parties), complaining--none of that stops the dynamics of an abusive situation. If I'm continuing to whine, I like the nasty little relationship I have going--when you look closely at me, you can actually read my delight in it, even if I'm spewing tears and snot, and carrying on like a drama queen.

My best way of dealing with a victimhood situation is to first put myself in a TIME-OUT. Just like we adults do when two little kids are fighting. We SEPARATE them--send them to different rooms to cool down and get quiet, get centered and balanced within themselves. We don't negotiate with he said/she saids.



And then I've found that using "I" statements in place of "You did/ You should" statements changes the entire dynamics of an argument or discussion. 


When I focus on making "I like" or "I feel" or "I did" or "I choose" sentences--it keeps me embracing full responsibility for my part in the relationship--I'm acting like the sovereign that I am, instead of a victim blaming someone else for making me miserable.

In the past, I have screwed up my own healthier relationships by commiserating with victims who CHOSE NOT to TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY for their own well-being and lives.

I have watched marriages and partnerships fall apart because of women commiserating with other women about the abusive men in their relationships, or vice versa. They don't do anything to cultivate loving and clear communication between the partners, to encourage a healthy friendship with the spouse. Instead, they feed each others hatred and angst and victimhood. They keep score, and they play dumb-ass mind games, hiding behind some god out there that is a cruel and mean and judgmental son of a B. All in the name of a really screwed up idea of "friendship"--an energy suckfest.

Why not encourage a friend to say to her partner in one of the few moments they're in the same room and quiet, "I don't like what we've become. I married you because I liked you--you were my best friend. I don't like being treated so terribly--by anyone. I don't like treating you badly either. I don't deserve that, and neither do you. What do you want to do with us? Should we separate, and take a time-out so we can get clear about what's happening with oneself before messing with another person? I don't like fighting. If we can't be best friend sovereigns together, then let's not live together anymore. We both deserve, and are capable of, more than that. Let's take the pressure off our kids, and not make them responsible for our staying true to vows for the so-called 'benefit' of our kids. It's not been a benefit to them when they get put in the middle of our fighting and game-playing and misery."

I've had a few of those conversations, like the latter, with my own husband (minus the kids, because we didn't have children). Not that he was any more abusive to me than I was to him. I gave tit for tat, too--but I also remembered that I really liked him, and that I knew deep-down we could have and be so much more than the old relationshit story we had going on the surface. Honestly, I damn-near ruined our good thing because of trying to empathize with other friends, trying to fully understand their pain.

Sharing another's misery (co-mmiseration) solves nothing--it's why I'm not a fan of support groups. People talking about their issues with people having the same issues just builds, and densifies, their stories. People can drone on and on for hours about their pains, and not open up to, much less, bring in an ounce of personal clarity. We're better taking ourselves off to be alone with oneself, and work through the emotions and releasing all on our own. I can cry and hold better, and more fully understand myself than anyone outside of me. I've lost any tolerance or patience to listen other's sob stories anymore, because I'm certain we're capable of being so much more.

Religion--any of it--is fine when it comforts and creates a safe, sacred space, and honors sovereignty--but it gets scary quickly when it gets twisted and used as a means to not face personal responsibility for one's own life, and as a way to force one's will upon another being. So many of my mentally imbalanced friends are into practicing this type of warped Christianity. You can warp any type of religion--it's just that the people I personally know are calling themselves Christians.

It's no wonder to me, then, when everything gets blown out of proportion, and loving relationships--many which began as friendships--get blown all to literal hell. It's pretty sad.

I'm not comfortable with confrontation either. Especially lately, in my self-mastery, I'm discovering what it means to have the cahunas/balls to allow myself to express my viewpoint honestly. I've lately found myself in arguments that came out of the blue. I often don't remember much of what I said, and I look back at the interlude, asking myself, "What the hell happened here?" I even felt a bit guilty because I got a bit loud, a bit passionate. It really rattled me. I've had some sleepless nights because of it. But what was happening was I was watching an old aspect of myself playing itself out once again--taunting me to do something about it--and I finally let myself freely express about what I was honestly experiencing.

In the past, I played the victim role of being the one who let everyone dump his/her beliefs and judgments all over our interactions. My abuser didn't leave any room or opportunity for me to have a different viewpoint from his/her own. My own old way of handling it was, to shut up and put up--that's just how it is. Sound familiar? I'd walk away feeling resentful and unheard, but trying to put a positive spin on it all by trying to focus on the enjoyable parts of our conversation. But, evidently, that old ship has sailed--I am free, and I have things I'm passionate about expressing and experiencing differently.

I used to convince myself that if I spoke up, that meant I was trying to change the other person, and I knew that was futile. But by allowing myself to freely speak, I realized it had nothing to do with trying to change the other person. It was simply about ALLOWING MYSELF to FREELY EXPRESS. No one else is going to allow me to do that if I'm not FIRST allowing it myself. The other person is simply a reflection of me suppressing myself. When I allowed myself my own unique expression, I discovered I honestly didn't care if the other person changed or not.

It was all about ME allowing myself to finally freely express myself, my own truths and desires, out loud.

Humans emulate the god that he/she worships in the moment. If god, for me, is a judgmental, angry, punishing fellow--that's actually what I am. I, too, am judging, even when I insert the word "observing" in its place. We like to self-righteously play god with each other and meddle, but in an oxymoronic way, we don't like admitting that we each are all gods playing with other gods.

I love the salutation, "Namaste!" It means The god I am honors the god you are. It recognizes that we are all children of the First Source of all that is. It means, to me, that I honor and respect your sovereignty, and I appreciate you honoring my sovereignty. I am open to interacting with you harmoniously. Namaste brings a smile to my lips--it reminds me of what a gift I am, and that you are, to me.

When I was a kid, I played with other kids simply because I liked them and I enjoyed their company. I didn't care about race, ethnicity, religion, status, politics, gender, sexual orientation. I learned that prejudice crap from the mentally programmed people and the mass consciousness around me. I immersed myself in making some of that shit my own truth--and it felt icky. I felt awful being prejudiced. It didn't matter who it was against at the time. I felt really guilty inside, even when the Little Human-like judgmental god I was worshipping at the time, tried to convince me that I was righteous in my prejudice.

I chose the man I'm with today because I like him, and we have fun together when we're not playing sucky little mind-games with each other, expecting the other person to change or to do our bidding, or try to make us happy and feel unconditionally loved.  That's my responsibility with myself first. As I have said before, it's absolutely impossible to love someone else enough to satisfy them, if they aren't appreciating themselves, their own gift of a life, first. That's a miserable dynamic to be in.

At first, little kids don't care about meddling, trying to control, or trying to fix other little kids--they pick that up from trying to emulate the older programmed humans around them. Kids look at other children in their vicinity with the hope that the other one may be someone fun to play with. If they come across someone they hit it off with, they play together until they get tired and cranky; at which point, they go to their separate rooms or homes, and rest, eat, and rejuvenate. They have a bit of alone-with-oneself time. Once they're centered and balanced within themselves again, they're racing out into the sunshine to play with those other kids once again.

We can learn a lot from a little kid. Fortunately, I have one integrated right here inside of me. I'm learning she has a lot of wisdom to share on how to flow simple joyous abundance--how to live with ease and grace in place of a bunch of calamity.

True Love: Admitting "I don't care" while Facing the Guilt Monster

Love lets go...

True, unconditional love releases completely--it doesn't hold on, not even a tiny bit.

True love is TOTALLY TRUSTING yourself, and TOTALLY TRUSTING everyone and everything other than oneself. The guarded walls encasing oneself COMPLETELY disappear--there is no protective armor or energy field, no offensive or defensive strategies. FEELING GRATITUDE drops all barriers and allows one to receive and flow with ease and grace.

The master BREATHES and walks with her/his energies open and flowing in harmony with everything that is. The master KNOWS WITHOUT A DOUBT that she/he is NEVER a VICTIM, not really--and that there's nothing to have to figure out how to guard oneself against. The master KNOWS she/he has never done anything wrong.

There have been so many instances when someone has been sick, has died, or was having relationship issues, of all kinds, where I've KNOWN that, honestly, I didn't really care what someone else was going through--but I was too afraid to admit it out loud, for fear of others thinking I was a cold-hearted bitch.

And succumbing to that fear kept me from experiencing disease, death, and relationships falling apart, any other way but the same old ways, over and over and over again. The cast of characters changed, but the stories' outcomes pretty much stayed the same.

So, here I am facing the huge guilt monster, and finally admitting what's really going on in my heart and thoughts--I don't care! I don't care about you. I don't care what happens!...because I KNOW ultimately All is well in all of Creation....I KNOW you are, we all are, OKAY!

Because, I recognize, and honor, my sovereignty and your sovereignty. I realize you're having an experience--one that you are choosing, on some level in you, to have. And I respect that. I have complete agenda-free, hands-off compassion for you, no matter how sucky and traumatic the experience may be. That means I don't feel sorry for you, not really. I don't care what happens with you, because I KNOW you're okay and you'll still exist even if you should seemingly die. I KNOW you are the master of your own life. "If it's in your life, you're liking it on some level because you put it there--and the ONLY ONE who can FREELY CHOOSE to remove or change it IS YOU!"

Years ago, when I was somewhere around grade school age, I clearly remember an argument between my grandpa and my dad in our living room. They were arguing about financial issues with our farm--my home. I remember Grandpa saying these words, "Dean, I don't care about you."

From that moment on, unbeknownst to me, my energies rushed in to guard and protect my dad, the victim. From then on, I experienced my dad ALWAYS being the victim in his relationship with my grandpa--and that colored my own personal relationship with my grandpa, who treated me with utmost kindness, though I kept him at arms length. No one was going to get away with not caring about my dad, and not experience some painful consequences, dammit!

Their fighting and inability to get along with one another nearly tore me to pieces--and it got perpetuated in my dad and mom's relationship with Dad's siblings, my beloved aunts and uncles. And that shredded me up even more--poor victim Penny. Who's side should I pick?

But you don't care about me and my experiences, do you? Not really. And that's perfectly okay with me--because unconditional love lets go and has no expectations. And it's my life, after all--not yours.

Even when I recognized, and tried to control and handle the victimhood energies in myself--I couldn't seem to get my dad, someone I loved, and idolized, to take responsibility for playing his own victimhood roles. Ultimately, I realized that that was an agenda of my own, too. I finally realized that underneath all those agendas we humans play with, LOVE WITHOUT EXPECTATION is still ALWAYS there, no matter what. And I set us both free by accepting us in all our ways, especially for those grating human imperfections.

I've discovered that if I don't trust myself and others fully, then I'm radiating out, or emoting, that I am a victim. And the unconditionally-loving Universe energies rush into to match and support me, by manifesting someone, or something, to victimize me.

This is why it's important to be AWARE of myself: "Am I BREATHING CONSCIOUSLY, and am I FEELING AT EASE in, and with myself?"

Victimhood is just an acting role...one that even I can play...

I've had a whole lot of experience at playing the victim part--more than my Little All-alone Human aspect likes to examine very closely. I'm not a lover of the energy feeding that goes hand-in-hand with victimhood, as you can see reading my posts--and I've honestly been judging that as a "wrong way to be." Thus, I've been prolifically manifesting and re-cycling victimhood dramas, much to my consternation--with me being the central victimized character in all of them. Plus I've been surrounded by everyone outside of me in my world playing out victim/victimizer roles. What a tangled webby fricken mess! Ha!

"You should care about the victims of..." Pretending to care perpetuates the pretense of victimhood.

Human Beliefs about the things we're supposed to really care about--that really matter--are LOADED with INCONSISTENCIES completely at odds with one another.

And that is creating an emotional tug-of-war game within each and every one of us. That, then, results in us manifesting chaotically-inconsistent experiences because of those all-over-the-map, offensive, and defensive FEELINGS radiating out from our central core of being.

Those beliefs are merely suggestions--not necessarily truths,UNLESS, you make them your truth.

It's deeply ingrained in all of us, through example and instruction, that a "truly good and loving human cares about certain things 'they-out-there-somewhere' deem important." Only they're full to bursting with inconsistencies and they seem to be fighting for VICTIMHOOD priority over one another.

For example: The Earth--our schools teach us to feel guilty about causing pollution, and then to self-righteously fight it by accusing and blaming and shaming others for their abuse of our beloved planet. We're taught to be responsible earth-bloodsuckers by getting on the recycling bandwagon in a miserable attempt to lessen our "parasitic impact." BUT, at the same time, as kids, we're sent out to sell magazines (paper products made from killing those precious trees), and cookies and junk-food (sugar is bad for health and makes us fat and lazy) that tastes crappy, in tins (made in some third world country) that eventually fill the ever-more-over-flowing landfills with even more unnecessary garbage (which we should be ashamed of, dammit). There is also the conflicting belief that you "poor little kids" need to sell stuff (a marketing ploy for some hokey business), and make money in order to have a well-rounded education. Never mind, that those of us with homes and property in those areas are already paying, through taxation, to educate our community's children.

I recently said no to a boy scout and his mother because of being tired of pretending I liked the rancid measly amount of popcorn in an ugly tin that we've bought from them for the last several years. I didn't complain to them about the quality of the last stuff because I honestly don't remember the face of the scouts who sold it to us in the past. I felt kind of icky telling them (he was a really cute and friendly little boy) I wasn't interested, though he and his mom handled it respectfully and considerately. But I have been making myself pretend to being okay with being a victim of this silly type of dramatic ploy for SO MANY DAMN YEARS. So I risked them not coming to my door ever again to hound me to buy a piece of junk--what did I have to lose?

And you know what? I realize, after writing all of this out, that I don't care about all those victimy stories I just blabbed about up above, and throughout this blog of mine. They don't matter! None of it matters. I don't care! And I certainly don't care whether anyone else does either. 

In fact, I hope what happens to, and with me, doesn't matter to you--because that means you truly love me, and you're honoring my sovereignty and freedom. And that, my friend, is a grand no-strings-attached gift.

I don't care...because I KNOW all is well in all of Creation. Maybe I don't fully trust myself yet, at times, but I'm getting there with every AWARE of MYSELF moment. And all this stuff that I'm experiencing and that I'm ASSUMING is about my ENLIGHTENMENT, well, it is about my realization of myself. I'm okay no matter what. I still exist, and I do fully trust that, even when feeling like a sucky little victim.

Bringing Down the Walls

I've had a multitude of protective walls that I BUILT around myself--many of them stemming from childhood. The only way I've managed to lower them is by first becoming aware that they're there. You have to be aware of your point of presence--what and where your thoughts are and what you're feeling--radiating out as your truth--in the moment at hand.

The Corpse

We've had enough bitter cold windy weather that I found myself feeling a bit stir-crazy--I haven't been walking much outdoors, and that's one of my favorite ways of flowing energies. So, the past few days, I put on my yoga pants and did a few stretches--and managed to experience an ah-Ha! this morning.

You should know--I've never taken a yoga class or even watched a video. And I certainly wouldn't want anyone videoing me as I go through whatever positions come to mind. You'd definitely have a good laugh, and I guess I'd be just fine with that. In some ways, I'm pretty flexible, and in others, definitely not just yet. I had an alternative-medicine book that had yoga positions printed in the back, so I played with trying them out,  and I liked how it increased my awareness of my body while breathing consciously and gently stretching various muscle groups. I feel taller and more master-y when I'm done.

As I was going through the yoga positions this morning, I had an inner debate about whether or not I should bother with "The Corpse." After all, you don't do anything except lie there on the floor like you're dead--you lie flat on your back with your feet a shoulder's width apart, hands palms-up about 6 six inches from your body on either side, and let your body melt into the floor. You're dead.

If you've read any of my other posts in the past, you'll note that I've only ever mentioned using one yoga pose ever before--the Corpse! I used it to do a body scan--to get in touch with some emotional wounds from my past. In fact, I've probably gotten more benefit from the Corpse than any other position. All because I don't have to do anything! 

Being a corpse ALLOWED me to let go of my human to-do list for a few breaths.

Being a corpse ALLOWED me to DROP my protective WALLS!

When you're dead, it's too late to worry about all those human stories and issues. There's nothing you can do anymore. You're done. None of it matters anymore...SO DOWN COME THE WALLS!

And you just FLOW....

Adamus Saint-Germain (of crimsoncircle.com) has often said that death is easier than birth. That when we die, it's a release from having to perform in such a dense and limited physical body. It's FREEING! These bodies are an amazing gift in experience, but we all know how difficult it's been to be so closed in, in such a blind consciousness where we've believed for so long that all we are is an itty-bitty all-alone human in a tough and scary world. It hasn't been easy being human--and we've gotten quite experienced at putting up walls and toughening up in order to stay embodied here.

But now, my consciousness has gotten clearer--I've awakened to who I really am--and the old walls have turned into barriers, which are stopping the energy flow, thus keeping me from manifesting the more abundant life I know I'm capable of creating. I know the energy potentials are there, but I also know now, that I've been unconsciously preventing them from coming in fully, due to the protective armor I put on in order to navigate the old world consciousness 3-D reality of my past.

Crimsoncircle.com offered a Cloud Class (an on-demand online video) called Dreamwalk into Childhood Magic. The Crimson Circle website offers all their monthly shouds/channels (in the forms of video, audio and text) for free in the channel library. They also offer workshops and Cloud classes, like the one above, around the world, that they charge for--they've been using this to fund their work and to maintain so much free material on their website. I felt strongly drawn to doing this particular dreamwalk into childhood--I've had a lot of recurring dreams, I had an imaginary friend, I felt quite connected to nature, and I was afraid of entities in the dark. You know, the stuff we adults have a tendency to just dismiss as kids having wild imaginations.

The dreamwalk surprised me, because it helped me become aware of all kinds of protective walls and guards that I created back then in order to not be so sensitive--so vulnerable. I just lately have remembered making the conscious choice in grade school to toughen up and not allow myself to cry so much or allow others to see how much I could feel hurt. I functioned, but I was in hiding. I also remember consciously thinking that I didn't want to grow up--because I knew it would be difficult. I wasn't one of those girls anxious to purchase my first bra and go out on dates. I liked boys just fine--but only as friends to play with.

I identified--became aware of--some of my old protective barriers, which basically inhibit the natural flow of energies serving me. 

Due to a mental fight within me of trying to control them, I wasn't allowing their natural flow, and that held them in place in my reality--as manifested issues:

When TV went digital, neither my husband nor I were interested in paying for cable or satellite so we quit watching TV. It was feeling too noisy for me in so many different ways.

I was tired of watching mostly commercials selling prescription drugs and products that pointed out my flaws.

The news was focused on judgmental, sensational gossip and politics.

Sports and all that competition-comparison/reality TV stuff didn't inspire me to laugh or let loose. Nor did courtroom TV or shows like Top Cop. I'm not interested in drama queens or kings and their "issues." Friendly competition is fine for those who enjoy it--and I can throw myself into the role of teasingly pretending to be a sore loser, but I generally don't care if I win or lose. I'd rather play the sport or game than watch it--no matter how clutzy or how much of a non-strategist I may be. We used to play volleyball down on the farm, and it was always fun to see how long we could keep it going back and forth--and to watch my brother's antics of flinging himself to the ground in order to do just that. I remember letting loose and laughing a lot, but I don't remember who won any of those games.

I like mysteries, but then the focus was becoming more on grisly forensics and the most heinous crimes and perversities humans could commit.

I think music should be sung and danced with joyous abandon--not necessarily for judgment by the Simon Cowells or dance experts of the world. I found myself actually feeling more inhibited when watching the singing, musical and dance competitions that seem to have overtaken primetime TV. I frustratingly found my own voice closing up--I was afraid to even try to sing, for fear of sounding awful.

I do enjoy watching people who dance well--and it inspires me to dance--because it looks so graceful, expressive and fun. But I have the most fun when dancing myself. Here again--I can see the merits of friendly competition--because it does encourage us to go beyond our limits, but it feels like we should encourage everyone to enjoy the arts--not just the few we've dubbed as talented.

I learned in a drawing class that we're all capable of drawing in a manner beautifully and uniquely our own. I watched in delighted amazement as classmates, who, at the start, said they could draw nothing but stick figures, turned out the most amazing art portfolios for our final class. It helped to be reminded that we ALL can draw, and to be given a few pointers on perspective and how to draw what one sees, instead of what one thinks--instead of focusing on FEELINGLY believing that only other, more gifted people "out there" are capable of creating great art. Great art, in all forms, comes from those who've set themselves FREE to EXPRESS.

I enjoy sitcoms like The Big Bang Theory because their antics make me laugh, and I enjoy their celebration of the quirkiness of being a human being. I think it would be fun to act in them myself--and to bring that concept to local community theatres where all ages can participate.

Watching others whom I admire, very generous people like Oprah and Ellen, started backfiring on me. I kept walking away feeling down on myself--like I wasn't doing enough, being enough. I was comparing myself to them, so instead of feeling uplifted and excited about being here in human form as the gift I know I am--each of us--is, I felt like crap, unworthy. I felt myself pressuring me to perform--but instead of becoming a more perfect, all-serving human, I was feeling more stuck, resentful and unheard, unnoticed. I felt like a loser. How are those for walls?

I finally realized that I'm serving all others the best when I FIRST have love and compassion and gratitude for myself. It's like that airplane crash scenario, where you put your own oxygen mask on first--instead of going the self-sacrifice and martyrdom route--so that you are alive then, to help another get their supply of oxygen. Dead hands can't hold oxygen masks for others.

When you're watching TV sometime, close your eyes for a moment and feel into how you're feeling, what your thoughts are, what parts about yourself you're trying to avoid thinking about, how you're trying to monitor and control your very being. Can you feel that struggle going on inside of you? Can you feel the pressure you're putting on yourself to perform perfectly? Can you feel and hear the voices in your head yammering at you to BE something, DO something? Can you feel yourself trying to referee the fight between two polar-opposite ideas--to energetically struggle within to find that "happy-medium" so you can feel a release, a bit of ease in being here in a human body with a human identity?

I've often felt this struggle to balance--HOLD--energies when someone I loved was viciously gossiping about another person. I didn't like hearing those things about anyone, and yet I could empathetically feel my beloved gossiper's own lack of self-worth. I didn't want to hurt anyone any further, so I stayed quiet. But inside of myself I was energetically putting up protective walls around the subject of the gossip, while wrapping my arms around the one gossiping in an attempt to unconditionally accept them, yet mentally chastising them, "That's no way to be." I was searching once again for that happy medium--trying to mentally figure it all out--and that was one painful, heavy juggling act.

I found the key was to let it all go, to let them be in their unique, sovereign, and chosen human experience--to take a deep breath and drop my juggling act. Nobody needed me to juggle anything. I finally remembered KNOWING that everyone was okay and I didn't have to protect anyone--not even me.

When I was a kid, a certain lady would come to spend a night with us, and she was so caught up in having a perfect immaculate house that we dreaded her visits. Mom would have us go through the house scrubbing and cleaning with a vengeance, on the look-out for cobwebs--but no matter how much we cleaned, the woman managed to find something that would bring out our cleanliness insecurities. I remember her running her finger across the seat of the Lowery organ bench before she sat down on it--the bench I'd just dusted with Pledge--ha!

Needless to say, I didn't necessarily believe that cleanliness was next to godliness. In my own home, I wanted people to feel comfortable and welcomed. I didn't want anyone to feel as though they had to tip-toe through my house for fear of leaving me a mess to clean up afterwards. But I also enjoy having a relatively clean home--that is easily maintained without a lot of efforting on anyone's part. I'm getting tired of the routine of trying to keep it all fresh and spotless. My attention span for cleaning has gotten a lot shorter. I seem to be tired of the old stories about how much work it takes to maintain a home. I'd rather not even discuss home projects with others. I love spontaneous visits from friends. They often seem to stop by though, without fail, when I'm at my messiest and most disgusting.

I've recently noted that while I enjoy having my husband's company in the kitchen and that I enjoy when he cooks or bakes for us--we do things differently. We've got quirks, and because I use the kitchen the most, and I don't like sticky greasy surfaces, I've gotten a bit territorial about it--and I try to keep it free of dirty dishes and sloppy floors. I wash and wipe-up as I go along. These are not his priorities, and when he cooks, he seems to fling stuff unintentionally. He cleans up his big catastrophic mess after he's all done--even mops and dries the floor--but it wreaks havoc with me anyway because he's simply unaware of some of the little things that drive me crazy. It's better if I just leave the room and go enjoy myself elsewhere, otherwise I catch myself trying to get him to do things my way, and I struggle to keep myself from doing that. My mind is constantly poking a finger at me, telling me "Don't be a hen-pecking nag!" and at the same time it's saying, "Don't be a floor mat!"

The funny thing is, I'm comfortable with allowing other people--even kids--to let loose and create in my kitchen. It's my husband--my closest mirror of myself--that I have the issue with. Go figure.

Can you feel the struggle? How much is enough, or too much--either way? I haven't mentally figured out a balance--and I most likely never will with that approach. Because I'm feeling that emotional conflict inside, that's what I'm radiating out into the Universe--and the energies of the cosmos lovingly and unconditionally rush in to match my inner struggle. I just end up with more struggle, no ease.

My answer has been to wrap my arms around Imperfect Human Penny, tell her I love her, and let myself feel my unconditional love for her. I let myself immerse in the icky, perturbed feelings of being in my messed-up kitchen, and I allowed myself to immerse in the joy of having someone else prepare a meal for us. I don't have to be any certain way--I can be all of it, and it'll find it's own balance in my reality naturally, if I just let go of the struggle to do it myself. I end up laughing at and with myself. I took the pressure off, acknowledged I was aware of the inner fight, and I let myself go--I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE IN ALL OF MY GLORIOUS IMPERFECTION.

I was trying to perform as a perfect human, but in order to play the human experience game, you have to allow yourself to be imperfect. 

In order to be perceived, the LIGHT needs some SHADOW--some DARKNESS.

Years ago, The Group, channelled by Steve and Barbara Rother of espavo.com, pointed out that the most valuable diamonds in the world were the naturally occurring ones--and that their value, color, and identity was dependent on their flaws. Yes, in this day and age, flawless man-made diamonds are available--but they're no where near as valuable as those natural-occurring ones with the occlusions. The Group said that the priceless value and beauty of every single one of us humans is in our unique flaws. They give us each a color and a light expression that no one else has. Every ray of light is important to the beauty of the whole spectrum. I've found that idea both comforting and freeing.

SO, celebrate your flaws!

Go play "Dead" for a few moments: 

Close your eyes, and see how you feel without the protective armor weighing you down...

Can you feel yourself flowing?...

Is that a smile on your face?

Here's an excerpt about my first experiences with the yoga Corpse pose, from an earlier post entitled, Trust Yourself--Your Inner Knowingness:

The day after Gary Zukov's appearance on Oprah, as I was working away in the kitchen, pondering over his words about how we humans try to avoid and deny pain, I accidentally slammed my thumb in one of the drawers. As I instinctively grabbed my thumb with my other hand to squeeze it tightly, I realized that I was just putting off feeling the pain. I told myself to take a breath, relax, remove my hand and just let myself experience the pain—really go in and feel it. So I did, and a funny thing happened. The pain wasn’t anywhere near the tremendous throbbing I had initially anticipated. In fact, it subsided very quickly, while in my mind I tried to focus in on its center of origin and tried to describe it to myself.

That experience led me to another application. I’d been walking around that day with an ache in my lower back. It was one of those general aches that I couldn’t connect with any instance of having done something physically to cause it. But it was there and I felt my energy draining due to its presence.

In keeping with my train of thought of just making the effort to allow myself to experience the pain, I laid down on the floor in the yoga position called the corpse—lying flat on your back with your feet 18 inches apart and your hands 6 inches from your sides, breathing deeply. I then used a breathing exercise to center myself in the moment. I breathed in through my nose, filling my diaphragm, to the count of four. I held it for seven and then breathed out through my mouth to the count of eight. After taking a few deep breaths I turned my attention to feeling my heart beat, then mentally scanned my body for the ache I’d been feeling. I decided to focus on, and follow, the ache to its center and describe and experience it fully. As I did so I reminded myself that I was okay, to take a breath and relax and just let myself feel it.

Suddenly memories and thoughts came to my mind of events which had taken place twenty years prior. I remembered having to move from the farm into town when I was a sophomore in high school. My brother moved onto the place so we left our dogs and cats out there. That farm and those pets were my life at that time, and they eventually died. I realized how angry I’d been at having to move into town and I also realized that when each dog died and each cat disappeared I had never allowed myself to mourn their passing. Here I was, twenty years later, bawling my eyes out, over my loss. I hadn’t even really recognized how angry a person I was in those days until this moment. I had basically used the anger to avoid feeling the pain.

I laid there crying it out, and as the tears flowed I felt the pain in my lower back ebb away to nothingness, leaving behind only the sensation of having had those muscles put through a workout. They didn’t feel overly stretched or strained. It was a pleasant feeling of having done something good for my body.
Wow! These bodies are amazing!