"Oh where, oh where can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to Heaven so I’ve got to be good, so I can see my baby when she leaves this world…” (Lyrics to Last Kiss by Wayne Cochran, song remade by Pearl Jam).
I heard this song again for the first time in a number of years, and it kept squeezing my heart and bringing “almost” tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. Finally I realized it haunted me so because it was making me aware of an aspect of my earlier life that has been running the show, making a foundation for my present daily life, often without me realizing it was here. Only this time I had determined to let it go—to release myself from that old story--so “once-bad, trying to make amends-Penny” was having one final hurrah, taking her bow, arms full of roses as she exited the stage for good.
What does all this have to do with conspiracy theories? My “baby” in the song was Arlen—my first boyfriend who was killed in a motorcycle accident. I had determined that I must have been headed in a wrong direction for God to have to resort to such punishment of me (and this wasn’t something I could articulate out loud to anyone else). I figured I’d royally screwed up so I’d better get myself together and really work at being good in order to make amends—to maybe see Arlen again.
As in the song, I died that night with him, too, and yet I kept waking up to new days, wondering how I was going to get through each one, wondering if I’d ever get it right—never feeling I deserved anything that made me happy. Life went on around me, yet mine seemed futureless and meaningless—I had to give myself a reason and a purpose for being. I had to fight something—it made me feel alive.
Conspiracies surrounding the powerful world money brokers and fighting “The Man” was a natural cause for me—I grew up on those stories from my dad’s travels and experiences. I thought I was honoring my dad by making his causes and beliefs my own. Turns out, honoring another's sovereignty--even a parent's or a child's--does not mean agreeing with them in all things. Nor does it require me repeating their journey at the expense of giving up my own sovereignty and experiential desires. And I thought I was willing to sacrifice myself for a better future for others…but the truth was, and is, I'm tired and bored with that whole self-sacrifice business and philosophy. It isn't what it's cracked up to be. I'm done with martyrdom.
The deeper I plunged into things, the more scared I got, and the more I found myself wanting certain scary people to just die. You know—in all our fairy tales, the villain dies and peace is restored. But death of the villain didn’t seem like a real solution—there always seemed to be another ready to take that person’s place. The stopping of any horrid behavior seemed to need to come from deeper within the hearts of humans—we had to get at the core of why we do such things to one another in order to really bring such atrocities to an end. The execution of Saddam Hussein felt barbaric to me—I mourned that humanity still saw killing anyone as justice truly served.
I also squirmed at the fanatical gleam I saw in other’s eyes (who were on the same side as me) when talking of fighting evil. I was afraid of seeing that same gleam in the mirror. It was just as frightening (and probably more so to see it in myself) as the perceived villains in our conspiracy stories.
That was my wake-up call to questioning the accepted truths of everyone outside of myself and to let go of trying to be a part of some sort of organization. I knew that if change was going to come to my world, that it all started right here, inside of me—otherwise I was just reacting to life (mostly out of fear) and not living it.
The pinnacle of all of this was the three days I pretty much laid in bed bawling non-stop, hopeless for the future of humanity after seeing a film on government officials supposedly using kidnapped children as sex slaves and then filming it all. Though I had no kids of my own, I was an aunt several times over, and the thought of anyone doing such things to little kids devastated me to the core.
This personal terror and powerlessness was further exacerbated by my acceptance of the Christian fundamentalist belief in Armageddon and hell as a possible destination. Eternal hell never really did ring true to my personal perception of God as a loving father/mother but I dabbled with it because it was a pretty popular belief in those days and I was feeling like the lowest of the low at that time. I was also working a warehouse job where I felt like a robot just going through the motions--not being creative (potentially, I knew there was more to me) or really enjoying life—I had given up.
I started talking and listening to God my own way. I read the Bible (learned to use concordances to find the original meaning of key words translated from their original Aramaic, Hebrew and Greek to English), but I stayed away from participating in Bible study groups. The Bible itself said not to study the literal word, not to listen to outside teachers, but to study one’s own heart. Some of the passages wouldn’t make much sense to me at the time of reading, but I walked alone a lot in those days, and as I walked I’d, out-of-the-blue, suddenly get a warm, comforting tingle and clear, personally-applicable understandings of passages that had stymied me before.
There were a lot of “shoulds” and “should nots” according to religious scholars and practitioners, and at times I would feel overwhelmed with confusion as to the right and wrong way—and every now and then I’d find myself doing the Am I Crazy? check. But I’d look back, and realize that I was more at peace within myself compared to where I was in the past, and there was no going back to that, or I’d be dead. So onward I went.
I loved what Jesus had to say and determined to sincerely learn to “love my perceived enemies” and to “not judge.” His parable about the prodigal son was my favorite and most encouraging story for me. The Old Testament Book of Job also intrigued me—isn’t it funny that a whole story was written about what "a job" (though the two spellings are pronounced differently) we can make our lives to be?
It occurred to me just a few days ago that one of the most seductive conspiracy theories in our world (especially inside of me) has been the war/struggle between what we perceive as Good and Evil/Satan/The Devil. In fact, it was the perceived evil inside of me that scared me the most of all—and that aspect has had me doing all sorts of cruel things to myself in my mental efforts of trying to handle it. It also had me feeling alive at times, too—I see that fanatical gleam in the eyes of those I talk with who are still fighting Satan. Drama—it was a challenging addiction to walk away from, but I’m finally bored and exhausted with it, which makes it easy to leave now.
The wonderful thing is that the more I’ve become aware of myself—what I’m thinking, really feeling in the moment—the more benevolent a person I am. I am way less likely to harm anyone now than I was when I was feeling cornered and scared to the core of me.
It also occurred to me that Satan wasn’t a being—Satan was a curtain, a piece of drapery I call the Veil of Forgetfulness. I forgot who I was—that I was a child of God/Source of All, and thus, a highly creative body of consciousness in my own right.
Just for fun, insert “The Veil of Forgetfulness” in place of the word “Satan/The Deceiver” in the Book of Job. It becomes simply the story of a guy who forgot who he was--but he finally remembered in the end, before he physically died. Because of the experiences and wisdom gained from that journey—everything he had seemingly lost in the beginning (his family, his health, his abundance, and his joy in being) was restored, but now it was in an even grander, richer state than it could ever have been before. Because of the experience--the positive and negative, the light and the dark dancing, entwining, separating, and whirling and twirling, all together--the colors got richer, more vibrant, more real.
When the Divine Masculine with the Divine Feminine are set free and allowed to naturally flow into their own state of balancing each other, while alive as a human being--a brand new world, and game, comes into being.
When the Masculine and the Feminine become full and equal partners in the dance of life, along with their respective counterparts--Passion with Compassion, FREE CHOICE with ALLOWANCE of all ways of being--when they dance together, unhindered by a blind and scared, limited human mind, magic happens.
And if you consider the possibility that God sent his “Prodigal Son” to Earth simply to experience stuff and gain wisdom, only to have that son forget who he was and immerse himself in purely separate and all-alone-feeling human pursuits, you’ll get a deep appreciation of why The Father greeted his return with a feast of all feasts instead of “I told you so…”
I had this bolt of fabric dropped over me, enveloping me so I couldn’t see properly—everything was distorted and constricting. It felt like a prison cell. It was dark in there—so dark I couldn’t see any part of myself clearly, and I felt terrified and very much all alone—striking out at anything that moved (which was usually one of my own limbs) in a protective effort to simply survive. My protective shields were up, my energies were balled up like a porcupine on the defensive and offensive--so the unconditionally loving Universe matched my radiation, ray for ray--and I was blessed with a literal hell of a fight to survive at times. This amnesiac’s game of Blind Man’s Bluff was not always an enjoyable game for this human being either—it was hell on earth in its worst moments, albeit, it was mixed with some wonderful and joyful moments, too. But I’m done playing that particular game--I'm actually bored with it.
Arlen didn't die because I was bad and needed chastisement or punishment by some god out there. It was an experience I funneled myself into (more on a soul level than a human level) in order to shake myself awake out of this dense old, extremely linear and limited, consciousness reality--to get me questioning whether it was fully true, to get my human self to open up to being able to conceive of greater possibilities. That there maybe was something more to this life experience than growing up, getting a boring job, having a family, dealing with dramas and traumas, paying bills and taxes--fighting to survive--then dying.
In the midst of all of that experience, I realized one thing: No matter what happens, I EXIST...I exist...I exist...I am that I am!...and no one can take that away from me, even if my human body should die.
I’m ready for something more enjoyable, easier, less serious. I'm dropping my weapons and my protective armor--and I'm still here. I still exist...
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor (brain-researcher and author of My Stroke of Insight) told of her experience of a stroke in the left hemisphere of her brain. The left side is very logical and literal—it’s the part that says, “I am a separate being.” The creative, intuitive right hemisphere says, “I am connected to and am a part of all that is.” With the loss of the function of her left brain, her arm blended into the wall she leaned against—there was no perceivable line of separation between her body and everything else. Rather than just blending into our surrounding surroundings, being able to perceive oneself as a separate entity, while still knowing we’re connected, has its joys and advantages.
The Veil of Forgetfulness is actually the physical separation of the two hemispheres of the human brain. We’ve been predominantly left-brained—mental--in mass consciousness, thus our feeling all alone and separate. But the right brain is our connection to God/Our Divinity/All that Is, and we’re coming to the place where the two hemispheres function fully as a united team here on Earth, creating from a vantage point of full awareness of who we are…
Satan, perceived by me as a simple curtain, just lost its power over, and in, my body of consciousness…I am a gift to me, in this body—and I am choosing to live it as such….
Related Posts:
Trying to Save Face when Personal Shame Haunts
Conspiracies and Fear
"One Nation under a Christian God" OR Separation of Church and State?
We're all quite the characters--actors, that is--role-playing together. These are stories of my awakening, my remembering realization that Home/Heaven is wherever I am. That I am not the puppet on someone else's string. The search is over. I simply FREELY CHOSE to quit searching outside of myself, and realized all my answers have always been within.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
We're ALL World-Changing Contributors
Last night Kel told me the repeat of an old story of his with different characters than the last time. A co-worker shared with him a video of his 20-year-old nephew pretty much making a guitar sing. Kel’s typical response (and I’m choosing to be hard on him to show him how hard he is on himself) was to tell me, “It made me want to give up my own music and just call it quits…That’s it…What am I trying to do?…I’m done.”
Yes, I see around me more and more genius savants, more heart-centered, creative, and talented young people than ever before. And, yes, at one time, I was comparing myself with them and making the same statements (mainly to myself about myself) as Kelly did above.
But as I told Kelly last night, these kids are growing up in a world of artistic opportunity and access, via the worldwide web, that we never had. And the consciousness of the era in which we grew up (1960s to 1990s) made severe cuts in the arts and focused solely on mental intelligence—a huge creativity stagnator (spell check tells me I invented a new word here), if there ever was one.
Art and music were considered nice little “hobbies” that only a few could “make a living at.” And often that was done by making sacrifices in other areas of personal well being. Starving artists in all areas of the arts often became most famous after they died. Unless, of course, they were dramatically strange during their lifetimes and people were fascinated by their insane-looking antics. Humans love their drama.
Most importantly, though, I realized that all these creatively wonderful young people coming into this grand world of ours are here because WE (and our parents and grandparents, etc) started opening doors of conscious awareness that made it possible for them to be born, and to even thrive here today. WE opened the proverbial box and initiated the changing of this world.
And while the change is admittedly a wild and chaotic ride—I wouldn’t miss it for anything. We’re bringing forth amazing new potentials never conceived of before.
We have a great deal to celebrate, fellow lighthouses.
And the greatest gift we can give to our loved ones is to embrace, and live joyfully, self-compassionately and self-encouragingly our own individual lives at every age.
People who think sacrificing their own happiness for their kid is doing the child a favor are missing the point. What child wants all that pressure and heartache to bear? Mommy and Daddy are miserable so I can be happy...Hmmmmm. Wouldn’t you rather Dad and Mom got up each morning excited about sharing with you their personal delight for the possibilities of each loved one’s day, in place of comments about “making a living” at jobs they just feel miserable at day after day after day?
Every single one of us is a LIGHTHOUSE in our own unique way—and age doesn’t matter. That old adage of “not being able to teach an old dog new tricks” is B.S. as far as I’m concerned. Old dogs just need to get rid of the “old” misnomer first and then open up their limited box of life and feel into what might actually be possible for them.
We have gifts and talents, as individuals, that we’ve yet to tap into, and I'm certain NOW is the time to start experiencing them. Nobody wants to hear about the disadvantages and hardships we had growing up. Moreover, using those as excuses for not grabbing our own brass rings and living one's own wildly abundant life seems pretty idiotic to me.
I used to have a hissy fit (frown,sweat profusely and get confoundedly mute) anytime someone asked me, "So--what do you do?" Recently, my answer came to me: "Why--I'M LIVING MY LIFE!" That pretty much leaves me a wide-open field of possibilities. Granted, I have days where I feel frustrated, because this, for me, is a new way of approaching my life. Some days the old crap feels neck deep, but inside here is a tingling of knowingness that I'm making it happen, regardless of how slow it seems to manifest. I trust that manifestation part will get quicker, too, with experience and practice. These amazing young people give me that hope.
We can do, and be, anything we desire, but we have to really get quiet and spend some time alone with ourselves in order to feel that. If you’re “too busy” to take some time for you with you, you’re being lazy. Take a few conscious breaths and realize the gift that you are to yourself. Let the joy of that dance inside you first, and just maybe the rest will find its way into your life. For me, it’s worth a celebration and a shot…
Yes, I see around me more and more genius savants, more heart-centered, creative, and talented young people than ever before. And, yes, at one time, I was comparing myself with them and making the same statements (mainly to myself about myself) as Kelly did above.
But as I told Kelly last night, these kids are growing up in a world of artistic opportunity and access, via the worldwide web, that we never had. And the consciousness of the era in which we grew up (1960s to 1990s) made severe cuts in the arts and focused solely on mental intelligence—a huge creativity stagnator (spell check tells me I invented a new word here), if there ever was one.
Art and music were considered nice little “hobbies” that only a few could “make a living at.” And often that was done by making sacrifices in other areas of personal well being. Starving artists in all areas of the arts often became most famous after they died. Unless, of course, they were dramatically strange during their lifetimes and people were fascinated by their insane-looking antics. Humans love their drama.
Most importantly, though, I realized that all these creatively wonderful young people coming into this grand world of ours are here because WE (and our parents and grandparents, etc) started opening doors of conscious awareness that made it possible for them to be born, and to even thrive here today. WE opened the proverbial box and initiated the changing of this world.
And while the change is admittedly a wild and chaotic ride—I wouldn’t miss it for anything. We’re bringing forth amazing new potentials never conceived of before.
We have a great deal to celebrate, fellow lighthouses.
And the greatest gift we can give to our loved ones is to embrace, and live joyfully, self-compassionately and self-encouragingly our own individual lives at every age.
People who think sacrificing their own happiness for their kid is doing the child a favor are missing the point. What child wants all that pressure and heartache to bear? Mommy and Daddy are miserable so I can be happy...Hmmmmm. Wouldn’t you rather Dad and Mom got up each morning excited about sharing with you their personal delight for the possibilities of each loved one’s day, in place of comments about “making a living” at jobs they just feel miserable at day after day after day?
Every single one of us is a LIGHTHOUSE in our own unique way—and age doesn’t matter. That old adage of “not being able to teach an old dog new tricks” is B.S. as far as I’m concerned. Old dogs just need to get rid of the “old” misnomer first and then open up their limited box of life and feel into what might actually be possible for them.
We have gifts and talents, as individuals, that we’ve yet to tap into, and I'm certain NOW is the time to start experiencing them. Nobody wants to hear about the disadvantages and hardships we had growing up. Moreover, using those as excuses for not grabbing our own brass rings and living one's own wildly abundant life seems pretty idiotic to me.
I used to have a hissy fit (frown,sweat profusely and get confoundedly mute) anytime someone asked me, "So--what do you do?" Recently, my answer came to me: "Why--I'M LIVING MY LIFE!" That pretty much leaves me a wide-open field of possibilities. Granted, I have days where I feel frustrated, because this, for me, is a new way of approaching my life. Some days the old crap feels neck deep, but inside here is a tingling of knowingness that I'm making it happen, regardless of how slow it seems to manifest. I trust that manifestation part will get quicker, too, with experience and practice. These amazing young people give me that hope.
We can do, and be, anything we desire, but we have to really get quiet and spend some time alone with ourselves in order to feel that. If you’re “too busy” to take some time for you with you, you’re being lazy. Take a few conscious breaths and realize the gift that you are to yourself. Let the joy of that dance inside you first, and just maybe the rest will find its way into your life. For me, it’s worth a celebration and a shot…
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Mental Breakdowns are TEMPORARY
I've had a tremendous Ah-ha! just recently, regarding friends of mine who have been diagnosed with mental illness/imbalances. You could say they've all inspired me to dig deeper because of the hopelessness of what was considered "permanent." I hated those diagnoses and it hurt seeing these vibrant creative beings--some of whom I grew up with, another that I dated who treated me like a princess--get stigmatized and so medicated that I watched that life spark disappear from their eyes.
The KEY in all of this is to look at the breakdowns as a TEMPORARY state of being--a means to an end, that with greater awareness of what is happening need not be so traumatically cataclysmic for all those affected.
This doesn't involve pointing fingers of blame at anyone in the psychological or psychiatry field--these fields have been handicapped from the beginning by focusing solely on the mental and emotional and physical--missing the importance of one's SOUL. People were placed on medications and in institutions because of fear, and because no one understood human consciousness and the power of the belief systems in which we indulge. And ultimately, everyone was doing the best he/she knew how in the context of those times.
What I see now, is that my beloved friends were going through a traumatic crisis event meant to AWAKEN THEMSELVES TO THEIR SOULS--to a more self-aware consciousness of their being. If we're enjoying life, we don't question and seek anything greater--but pain will often motivate us to start asking questions, and to discover so much more about ourselves than we ever contemplated before.
The only thing is, that in walking through their dark night of the soul tunnel (which involves a breakdown of the mind patterns and old obsolete belief systems), my friends were halted MIDWAY in their tunnel--simply because no one understood how to create a SAFE and SACRED SPACE in which to ALLOW them to continue the breakdown in order to MAKE ROOM FOR THE NEW.
God gave us bodies, minds and souls that NATURALLY HEAL and BALANCE THEMSELVES-- we need to SIMPLY CHOOSE to step out of our mind traps/belief systems and SIMPLY ALLOW that to happen. I've attached a summary of the tools I personally used over and over again to get through my own dark tunnels--one which I posted about in Overcoming the Victimhood Addiction.
ONE KEY POINT: Many individuals who were diagnosed with mental disorders have been on chemistry and mood-altering medications for years. Those anti-depressants, etc. flat-line emotional feeling. Numbs everything down—and one of the key ways of moving through these dark moments is by ALLOWING and BECOMING AWARE of YOUR THOUGHTS and FEELINGS in the moment.
*I DO NOT recommend anyone dropping use of the medications all at once or by yourself—it’ll torpedo the individual into a possible, life-threatening suicidal depression. Make sure you have whoever prescribed them to you (or a facilitator who is fully aware of the drug's effects) help you self-compassionately, gradually wean off them.*
First, contemplate that the diagnosed “disorder” is just a temporary condition and get some sense of your own inner-knowingness and ability to move through things, and then work with your therapists or facilitators from that place of inner clarity to help move out of the old story and treatments.
Each person has his/her own answers--feel into, and think about this, for a moment with your eyes closed. None of us can possibly express to another outside of us all the unique impressions, perceptions, beliefs, inner reactions and experiences of oneself. You and Your Soul/Divinity, alone, hold all your answers.
AWAKENING does involve going through a depression—it’s like being dangled over a dark void—until you find your way inside of you to the heart of matters, and the discovery that God/Source of All is within you, and has been all along. No matter how dark it's seemingly been, we’ve never truly been alone.
Moving Through A Mental Breakdown, aka, A Dark Night of the Soul:
1. A Trigger Event sets off the crumbling of a person’s Belief System Foundation due to a deeply suppressed trauma/personal shame bursting to the forefront of the person’s awareness.
These events can go back as far as childhood--sometimes, even a different lifetime--or may be as recent as the previous breath. Our minds try to handle the situation by trying to run from them (by frantically racing and keeping busy), by trying to ignore them or pretend they never happened, or by trying to use substances or actions to squelch them. Suddenly the trigger event catapults the person into overwhelm—mental and emotional breakdown.
If these wounds are surfacing, it’s because the person has opened themselves to a higher consciousness perspective of the event that they can use as a TOOL to get themselves through the dark tunnel and into a place of true healing. Each person truly has His/Her OWN ANSWER.
2. Get yourself into a SAFE and SACRED SPACE, and set yourself firmly with the intention to DO NO HARM to oneself or another.
3. “Bring that which is hidden into the LIGHT.”
DON’T HIDE FROM YOURSELF or YOUR DIVINITY or SOURCE.
God/My Inner Knowingness to Me: “When you’re feeling as though you’re doing something SHAMEFUL—don't hide from me! Put ME THERE WITH YOU in that moment. View the whole scene from my greater perspective.”
The KEY in all of this is to look at the breakdowns as a TEMPORARY state of being--a means to an end, that with greater awareness of what is happening need not be so traumatically cataclysmic for all those affected.
This doesn't involve pointing fingers of blame at anyone in the psychological or psychiatry field--these fields have been handicapped from the beginning by focusing solely on the mental and emotional and physical--missing the importance of one's SOUL. People were placed on medications and in institutions because of fear, and because no one understood human consciousness and the power of the belief systems in which we indulge. And ultimately, everyone was doing the best he/she knew how in the context of those times.
What I see now, is that my beloved friends were going through a traumatic crisis event meant to AWAKEN THEMSELVES TO THEIR SOULS--to a more self-aware consciousness of their being. If we're enjoying life, we don't question and seek anything greater--but pain will often motivate us to start asking questions, and to discover so much more about ourselves than we ever contemplated before.
The only thing is, that in walking through their dark night of the soul tunnel (which involves a breakdown of the mind patterns and old obsolete belief systems), my friends were halted MIDWAY in their tunnel--simply because no one understood how to create a SAFE and SACRED SPACE in which to ALLOW them to continue the breakdown in order to MAKE ROOM FOR THE NEW.
God gave us bodies, minds and souls that NATURALLY HEAL and BALANCE THEMSELVES-- we need to SIMPLY CHOOSE to step out of our mind traps/belief systems and SIMPLY ALLOW that to happen. I've attached a summary of the tools I personally used over and over again to get through my own dark tunnels--one which I posted about in Overcoming the Victimhood Addiction.
ONE KEY POINT: Many individuals who were diagnosed with mental disorders have been on chemistry and mood-altering medications for years. Those anti-depressants, etc. flat-line emotional feeling. Numbs everything down—and one of the key ways of moving through these dark moments is by ALLOWING and BECOMING AWARE of YOUR THOUGHTS and FEELINGS in the moment.
*I DO NOT recommend anyone dropping use of the medications all at once or by yourself—it’ll torpedo the individual into a possible, life-threatening suicidal depression. Make sure you have whoever prescribed them to you (or a facilitator who is fully aware of the drug's effects) help you self-compassionately, gradually wean off them.*
First, contemplate that the diagnosed “disorder” is just a temporary condition and get some sense of your own inner-knowingness and ability to move through things, and then work with your therapists or facilitators from that place of inner clarity to help move out of the old story and treatments.
Each person has his/her own answers--feel into, and think about this, for a moment with your eyes closed. None of us can possibly express to another outside of us all the unique impressions, perceptions, beliefs, inner reactions and experiences of oneself. You and Your Soul/Divinity, alone, hold all your answers.
AWAKENING does involve going through a depression—it’s like being dangled over a dark void—until you find your way inside of you to the heart of matters, and the discovery that God/Source of All is within you, and has been all along. No matter how dark it's seemingly been, we’ve never truly been alone.
Moving Through A Mental Breakdown, aka, A Dark Night of the Soul:
1. A Trigger Event sets off the crumbling of a person’s Belief System Foundation due to a deeply suppressed trauma/personal shame bursting to the forefront of the person’s awareness.
These events can go back as far as childhood--sometimes, even a different lifetime--or may be as recent as the previous breath. Our minds try to handle the situation by trying to run from them (by frantically racing and keeping busy), by trying to ignore them or pretend they never happened, or by trying to use substances or actions to squelch them. Suddenly the trigger event catapults the person into overwhelm—mental and emotional breakdown.
If these wounds are surfacing, it’s because the person has opened themselves to a higher consciousness perspective of the event that they can use as a TOOL to get themselves through the dark tunnel and into a place of true healing. Each person truly has His/Her OWN ANSWER.
2. Get yourself into a SAFE and SACRED SPACE, and set yourself firmly with the intention to DO NO HARM to oneself or another.
THIS IS A TIME TO BE ALONE WITH YOURSELF and to allow yourself to become AWARE of how you talk with yourself and how you FEEL.
Close your eyes and breathe deeply into your belly and allow yourself to revisit and observe, and feel into yourself in the event. There will be tears and physical pains as things loosen up and began moving again. Just gently breathe through them...breath at a time, breath at a time...
Close your eyes and breathe deeply into your belly and allow yourself to revisit and observe, and feel into yourself in the event. There will be tears and physical pains as things loosen up and began moving again. Just gently breathe through them...breath at a time, breath at a time...
You're okay--it's just a memory--an illusion...
In this space you can HONESTLY and SELF-COMPASSIONATELY think and feel everything without judgment as to whether anything was wrong or right. That which is allowed to be felt and thought will simply move through without manifesting. You can even say things out loud like the word “fuck.” Feelings and thoughts don’t hurt anyone when we allow them in a SAFE SPACE. Trying to avoid or ignore them will cause them to manifest as quickly as consciously choosing them—because your attention has focused on them.
Remember the Consciousness CONTEXT of the time of the event—what you believed about yourself and your world at the time. Ultimately, YOU’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG!!! Everyone is being and doing the best he knows how in any given moment. NO MORE beating up oneself or blaming others.
"I ACCEPT FULL RESPONSIBILITY for EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE"—and that means first being compassionate with, all-accepting of every single moment and aspect OF YOU!!! Anchor this in your reality by writing this in your own handwriting—it’s an empowering expression of you.
Love yourself like the Source of All and YOUR SOUL loves you—UNCONDITIONALLY!!!
“I PURPOSELY put myself through these painful events in order to SHAKE MYSELF AWAKE so I would start asking myself deep questions and ultimately discover the joy of living a life THAT I CONSCIOUSLY CREATE!!!”
In this space you can HONESTLY and SELF-COMPASSIONATELY think and feel everything without judgment as to whether anything was wrong or right. That which is allowed to be felt and thought will simply move through without manifesting. You can even say things out loud like the word “fuck.” Feelings and thoughts don’t hurt anyone when we allow them in a SAFE SPACE. Trying to avoid or ignore them will cause them to manifest as quickly as consciously choosing them—because your attention has focused on them.
Remember the Consciousness CONTEXT of the time of the event—what you believed about yourself and your world at the time. Ultimately, YOU’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG!!! Everyone is being and doing the best he knows how in any given moment. NO MORE beating up oneself or blaming others.
"I ACCEPT FULL RESPONSIBILITY for EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE"—and that means first being compassionate with, all-accepting of every single moment and aspect OF YOU!!! Anchor this in your reality by writing this in your own handwriting—it’s an empowering expression of you.
Love yourself like the Source of All and YOUR SOUL loves you—UNCONDITIONALLY!!!
“I PURPOSELY put myself through these painful events in order to SHAKE MYSELF AWAKE so I would start asking myself deep questions and ultimately discover the joy of living a life THAT I CONSCIOUSLY CREATE!!!”
3. “Bring that which is hidden into the LIGHT.”
DON’T HIDE FROM YOURSELF or YOUR DIVINITY or SOURCE.
God/My Inner Knowingness to Me: “When you’re feeling as though you’re doing something SHAMEFUL—don't hide from me! Put ME THERE WITH YOU in that moment. View the whole scene from my greater perspective.”
Enlightened, Self-aware Beings NATURALLY Do No Harm--not even in an illusion--because you know feeding off the energy of others just brings you more misery.
Tell one or more “safe” people your secret—a therapist is great for this due to confidentiality laws. By expressing it out loud and honestly to another, it brings the skeleton out of the closet, and by doing so, removes its power over oneself.
DO NOT NAME NAMES or POINT FINGERS of BLAME at another. No one can REALLY steal one's power away unless all parties have consented to act out the dramatic/traumatic scene together. This is the beauty of the life as a human on earth that we’ve been given. Our consciousness is eternal, but the roles and acts we play out together—EXPERIENCES—are temporary illusions. God/Source gave us—HIS/HER CHILDREN a SAFE PLAYGROUND to play together in.
4. Thank yourself for everything....
Tell one or more “safe” people your secret—a therapist is great for this due to confidentiality laws. By expressing it out loud and honestly to another, it brings the skeleton out of the closet, and by doing so, removes its power over oneself.
DO NOT NAME NAMES or POINT FINGERS of BLAME at another. No one can REALLY steal one's power away unless all parties have consented to act out the dramatic/traumatic scene together. This is the beauty of the life as a human on earth that we’ve been given. Our consciousness is eternal, but the roles and acts we play out together—EXPERIENCES—are temporary illusions. God/Source gave us—HIS/HER CHILDREN a SAFE PLAYGROUND to play together in.
4. Thank yourself for everything....
If you’ve only gotten to the place of self-forgiveness (realizing you were simply deep asleep and unaware of who you really are), your journey isn’t quite completed. All that experience made you MORE than you were before. YOU ARE A GIFT, and ALWAYS HAVE BEEN--especially to your SOUL.
Hopefully, when you're done you'll realize as I have--it all ends up being about experiencing with love and gratitude for ALL...
"I AM that I AM!" Breath at a time...Breath at a time...
Hopefully, when you're done you'll realize as I have--it all ends up being about experiencing with love and gratitude for ALL...
"I AM that I AM!" Breath at a time...Breath at a time...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
It All Took A Courageous Human
It’s been gradually coming into my awareness that Human Penny has still had quite a few protective guards up and monitoring disciplines in place. I remind her over and over again that everything is okay, she did nothing wrong ever, and even when she’s scared, that she just needs to breathe and to trust herself that it will all be all right—“Just let the guards and self-monitors go, Hon.”
Sometimes I’d get exasperated with her moments of what my Human Mind considers her human weaknesses and flaws. I ask myself, “Is there an ending to this in the near future? It’s been a long, hard haul (and that’s putting it lightly).” It’s actually been a passage through hell and high water—all the while being handicapped further by a severe case of amnesia.
I keep telling myself, None of it really matters, there’s nothing you have to do or prove, no one who needs saving. You don’t need to figure out a purpose for simply being alive—whatever you choose to do, or be, doesn’t have to have any deeper meaning to it other than you’re exploring it for the fun of it—just because.
Years ago, back in the early days of hearing that voice of God within myself, I was having trouble with a lot of guilt and shame in myriad aspects of my life—some of it surrounding sex and sensuality, most of it basically having to do with a simple human pleasure of any kind.
The inner voice that told me I was going to have to learn to unconditionally love myself first before I was going to be able to do it with anyone else, is the same one that said, “Penny—in those moments when you’re feeling or thinking or doing something you’re ashamed of—Put Me There! Don’t hide yourself away from me in your shame. Put Me there with you."
Of all the things! Like I needed an AUDIENCE! But Human Me courageously took the leap and tried it out--and discovered that it lightened the load I was carrying. I discovered it was more fun when I allowed myself to enjoy myself without so much guilt plastered to every little bit of pleasure in life. From then on it was pretty much, “Okay, God, here I am in my bare-nakedness. I’m done playing Hide and Seek with you. Now what?”
Jesus reminded me, “Love your enemies.” I’ve come to define an enemy as being someone or something that I’m struggling with—trying to overcome. Thus my greatest enemy has been myself—my Human Mind/Ego. Out of fear and frustration and in blindness, I once thought I had to kill her off or force her into her proper place. I’ve discovered the only way to come to terms with her is to go back through all my moments with her and unconditionally love her by appreciating that Human Mind and Being who struggled so long and so hard to get Me here.
I have gums pushed so far back from overbrushing that my teeth are sensitive. I have a scar on my right cheek from overdoing it with a zit treatment back in high school. I had a severely disfigured shoulder and spine from hauling a bookbag filled with large textbooks around all throughout my schooling career. My Human Mind was doing everything she knew how to keep me healthy, perfect, alive and accepted--and she even used guilt and shame to keep me getting up in the mornings when I'd all but given up.
Back in those days, I didn't have the understandings and insights that I carry with me now. Back then I didn't even know how to simply breathe and I certainly didn't trust myself. I used to be so rigid, so pulled in, so scared, and so worthless feeling, so powerless in even my own life. I can still feel, in memory, what that was like.
And just yesterday, I was feeling ashamed of what I did to my teeth and gums and cheek--berating my Human Mind for "going overboard" in the judgments of myself. But in the beginning of all of this, my Human was all I knew I had available.
Throughout all these years of trying to stay connected to the God Within Me—to bring that part out and into the forefront of this human experience, I forgot for a bit that the only reason I AM present NOW is because a COURAGEOUS, FRIGHTENED, ALL-ALONE FEELING HUMAN relentlessly, lovingly kept knocking on doors, inviting God in and out to play with her.
I’ve heard that God/Our Divinity will never force itself on us—it waits compassionately for us to knock on the door or invite it in and then once we make that first move it reaches in and pulls us through.
This final chapter is in loving honor of Human Me—the one banging on the doors, the walls, the ceilings, the floors, the limits…I’m proud of you in all your ways along the way…YOU DID IT!!!
And don't worry anymore about the gums, the cheek or any of that other stuff--it's all okay--REALLY, there's not anything wrong with any part of me. Trust me, we'll see this is so.
It's time, Penny--LET'S DANCE!!!
Sometimes I’d get exasperated with her moments of what my Human Mind considers her human weaknesses and flaws. I ask myself, “Is there an ending to this in the near future? It’s been a long, hard haul (and that’s putting it lightly).” It’s actually been a passage through hell and high water—all the while being handicapped further by a severe case of amnesia.
I keep telling myself, None of it really matters, there’s nothing you have to do or prove, no one who needs saving. You don’t need to figure out a purpose for simply being alive—whatever you choose to do, or be, doesn’t have to have any deeper meaning to it other than you’re exploring it for the fun of it—just because.
Years ago, back in the early days of hearing that voice of God within myself, I was having trouble with a lot of guilt and shame in myriad aspects of my life—some of it surrounding sex and sensuality, most of it basically having to do with a simple human pleasure of any kind.
The inner voice that told me I was going to have to learn to unconditionally love myself first before I was going to be able to do it with anyone else, is the same one that said, “Penny—in those moments when you’re feeling or thinking or doing something you’re ashamed of—Put Me There! Don’t hide yourself away from me in your shame. Put Me there with you."
Of all the things! Like I needed an AUDIENCE! But Human Me courageously took the leap and tried it out--and discovered that it lightened the load I was carrying. I discovered it was more fun when I allowed myself to enjoy myself without so much guilt plastered to every little bit of pleasure in life. From then on it was pretty much, “Okay, God, here I am in my bare-nakedness. I’m done playing Hide and Seek with you. Now what?”
Jesus reminded me, “Love your enemies.” I’ve come to define an enemy as being someone or something that I’m struggling with—trying to overcome. Thus my greatest enemy has been myself—my Human Mind/Ego. Out of fear and frustration and in blindness, I once thought I had to kill her off or force her into her proper place. I’ve discovered the only way to come to terms with her is to go back through all my moments with her and unconditionally love her by appreciating that Human Mind and Being who struggled so long and so hard to get Me here.
I have gums pushed so far back from overbrushing that my teeth are sensitive. I have a scar on my right cheek from overdoing it with a zit treatment back in high school. I had a severely disfigured shoulder and spine from hauling a bookbag filled with large textbooks around all throughout my schooling career. My Human Mind was doing everything she knew how to keep me healthy, perfect, alive and accepted--and she even used guilt and shame to keep me getting up in the mornings when I'd all but given up.
Back in those days, I didn't have the understandings and insights that I carry with me now. Back then I didn't even know how to simply breathe and I certainly didn't trust myself. I used to be so rigid, so pulled in, so scared, and so worthless feeling, so powerless in even my own life. I can still feel, in memory, what that was like.
And just yesterday, I was feeling ashamed of what I did to my teeth and gums and cheek--berating my Human Mind for "going overboard" in the judgments of myself. But in the beginning of all of this, my Human was all I knew I had available.
Throughout all these years of trying to stay connected to the God Within Me—to bring that part out and into the forefront of this human experience, I forgot for a bit that the only reason I AM present NOW is because a COURAGEOUS, FRIGHTENED, ALL-ALONE FEELING HUMAN relentlessly, lovingly kept knocking on doors, inviting God in and out to play with her.
I’ve heard that God/Our Divinity will never force itself on us—it waits compassionately for us to knock on the door or invite it in and then once we make that first move it reaches in and pulls us through.
This final chapter is in loving honor of Human Me—the one banging on the doors, the walls, the ceilings, the floors, the limits…I’m proud of you in all your ways along the way…YOU DID IT!!!
And don't worry anymore about the gums, the cheek or any of that other stuff--it's all okay--REALLY, there's not anything wrong with any part of me. Trust me, we'll see this is so.
It's time, Penny--LET'S DANCE!!!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
My Awakening
I was driving home from the grocery store a couple of weeks ago when it struck me that Home/Heaven for me was here on Earth—that to return to where I originated from would seem empty and colorless. I gazed around me, remembering how amazing it is to be able to touch and to feel and to behold all that I love—that even the searing pain of losing a loved one was worth it all.
I recognized the truth for me of that old adage: It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. While I know love is always present, regardless of the realm, it’s in this physical body that I get to witness and experience it in action. I have a sense of that being priceless.
That was a huge shift in perspective for me—especially having so recently lost someone so precious to me yet once again.
This time I’ve decided to walk through this whole loss to death thing in a new way. I’ve realized that the old platitudes and approaches aren’t enough for me. I don’t give a crap about the four steps of the grieving process, and I’m sick of believing it all as unchangeable just because of millennia of unquestioning acceptance that “that is the way it is.”
I’ve heard others say over and over again that they can’t wait to die in order to be reunited with their dead loved ones. But that’s not making sense to me. If I’m looking forward to getting this life over with, then am I truly enjoying and living the life--the gift of experience--that I have right now?
After losing enough people in my life to make it easy for me to let go and die myself, there’s something strange going on—I’m still here, and I’m not suicidal.
And I remember the story of Job in the Old Testament—the man lost everyone and everything dear to him to the point that this God-favored man got outright angry with God, with his circumstances. Platitudes and mental rationing (why and how this could happen to him, what he “needed to fix” about himself, how “he should be”, even sympathy) didn’t mean squat to him—none of the old ways and perspectives mattered to him. He got authentic and honest with himself—let his perception of the moral rightness and wrongness of everything go. And in the end, he lived--and what he’d initially lost was restored, but way better than what he had before he lost it all--because his experiences enriched all of what was once just airy, insubstantial concept. That story encourages me to awaken each morning with hope.
And then there’s Jesus. He died and yet he lived—and he also said that those who came after him would do “all these things and more.” So I’m standing here, hopping up and down, my arms waving wildly, yelling, “Pick me! Pick me!”
And then it occurs to me that really I’m the ONLY ONE who can pick me for the job. And so I have.
In Ecclesiastes, the poet came to the conclusion that there was a time for everything under the sun. In other words—my own words—every way IS a WAY TO BE. Each form of love in action provides us with insights and understandings inconceivable in any other way.
I believe these stories of life after a physical death stay in our world for thousands of years just maybe because there is a truth in them. And frankly, I’ve got nothing to lose in exploring their possibility of being a reality today—for me, they represent hope for my own enjoyment of this life, to create and to be my own unique Heaven on Earth.
I’m not willing to just get through another day without being able to connect with Molly. That death wound for the Little Human never truly heals with just the passage of time—the emptiness ache is still there, and sometimes it’s knife-sharp pain.
I still talk to my parents and to Arlen. My relationship with each of them has continued to evolve and expand just as much as it has with those around me who are alive.
In the past twenty plus years, I’ve had all kinds of dreams of interacting with those who have crossed the Veil. But during the dreams my heartache was horrendous because my mind would get in the way and remind me that they were “really dead and that I had to accept and get used to that.”
So instead of enjoying the moments I had with them, regardless of the dimension I was in, I was miserable at the prospect of knowing they would be gone soon. And I’d awaken to this world in a state of deep sadness. I hated those mornings after—despair hung around me like a cloud.
When I remember the look in Molly’s eyes that last day with her and the many things she communicated to me intuitively and physically, I KNOW that despair is NOT what she wanted for me. She wasn’t dying in order to hurt me beyond being able to breathe again—she was reaching out, touching me, showing me moment by moment how much she enjoyed her life with me and how much she loved me. And it seemed important to her that I recognize that she was choosing that path in order to help me go beyond—to help me transcend death.
Molly and Max came into my life when I first began to make choices to live my life my own way—and they have played supportive roles through this whole process I look at as being my awakening to remembering who I really am.
The roles I’ve acted out and felt stuck in for so long are just dramatic scripts that I’ve immersed myself in for awhile in order to understand the energies and concepts we think of as LIFE. But ultimately, they were all just roles; no one acting part was completely reflective of all that I am.
And my two precious furry friends continue to support me—Molly on one side of the Veil of Forgetting, and her brother Max with me on this side. I’ve seen her twice in dreams—and she’s very much alive and well. Max leaves wet food in the dish for her to clean up each morning like he always did when she was alive.
The only time he didn’t leave food for her was the last day she was alive. She could only lick up and swallow the gravy, so he’d come by afterwards and clean out the drier remains left in their bowl--this was completely opposite of their usual way of eating together. When she was gone, he then reverted back to leaving a bit in the bowl for her.
Max also seems to allow her to use his body as a way to touch me—he’s done “Molly acts.” One night he lay next to me on the couch with his paws draped over my legs like Molly used to. And he now sits on Kel’s lap in the evenings like his sister used to, but only after looking me in the eyes to make sure I know that he’s sharing himself with both of us.
In moments, my heart still hurts with her not being here teasing me, scratching on my calf for butter or traipsing towards me with that smile—whiskers on a lady never looked more darling. And I’m not always certain which aspect of myself is running this particular show. Sometimes I wonder about letting myself wail out my grief like the gypsies and just immersing myself in feeling it all until the emotions are spent. Would it somehow release me? I’ve moved a great deal of pain through and out of myself that way in the recent past.
And sometimes I wonder if maybe I should just stay calm and watchful and keep my drama queen in check. Always I’m reminding myself, Molly’s right here—she never really did die—this is all just illusion, after all. And if that’s so, then HOW DO I want to walk this journey between her seeming to leave and her being here?
I see how Max allows himself to continue to enjoy his days on Earth and he works to make us laugh, too. I talk to Molly and tell her I’m watching for her—that I’m open to all of us being together again soon—and I’ve no idea how that looks. But I choose to explore the possibility that I don’t have to die in order to be reunited with her. I’ve got nothing to lose—I don’t care if I look foolish, and I don’t care about having a reputation.
And I hope it’s here—that Heaven is here on Earth wherever I am, for me…and wherever you are, for you…
Because when this is all said and done, it's truly been an honor...
I recognized the truth for me of that old adage: It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. While I know love is always present, regardless of the realm, it’s in this physical body that I get to witness and experience it in action. I have a sense of that being priceless.
That was a huge shift in perspective for me—especially having so recently lost someone so precious to me yet once again.
This time I’ve decided to walk through this whole loss to death thing in a new way. I’ve realized that the old platitudes and approaches aren’t enough for me. I don’t give a crap about the four steps of the grieving process, and I’m sick of believing it all as unchangeable just because of millennia of unquestioning acceptance that “that is the way it is.”
I’ve heard others say over and over again that they can’t wait to die in order to be reunited with their dead loved ones. But that’s not making sense to me. If I’m looking forward to getting this life over with, then am I truly enjoying and living the life--the gift of experience--that I have right now?
After losing enough people in my life to make it easy for me to let go and die myself, there’s something strange going on—I’m still here, and I’m not suicidal.
And I remember the story of Job in the Old Testament—the man lost everyone and everything dear to him to the point that this God-favored man got outright angry with God, with his circumstances. Platitudes and mental rationing (why and how this could happen to him, what he “needed to fix” about himself, how “he should be”, even sympathy) didn’t mean squat to him—none of the old ways and perspectives mattered to him. He got authentic and honest with himself—let his perception of the moral rightness and wrongness of everything go. And in the end, he lived--and what he’d initially lost was restored, but way better than what he had before he lost it all--because his experiences enriched all of what was once just airy, insubstantial concept. That story encourages me to awaken each morning with hope.
And then there’s Jesus. He died and yet he lived—and he also said that those who came after him would do “all these things and more.” So I’m standing here, hopping up and down, my arms waving wildly, yelling, “Pick me! Pick me!”
And then it occurs to me that really I’m the ONLY ONE who can pick me for the job. And so I have.
In Ecclesiastes, the poet came to the conclusion that there was a time for everything under the sun. In other words—my own words—every way IS a WAY TO BE. Each form of love in action provides us with insights and understandings inconceivable in any other way.
I believe these stories of life after a physical death stay in our world for thousands of years just maybe because there is a truth in them. And frankly, I’ve got nothing to lose in exploring their possibility of being a reality today—for me, they represent hope for my own enjoyment of this life, to create and to be my own unique Heaven on Earth.
I’m not willing to just get through another day without being able to connect with Molly. That death wound for the Little Human never truly heals with just the passage of time—the emptiness ache is still there, and sometimes it’s knife-sharp pain.
I still talk to my parents and to Arlen. My relationship with each of them has continued to evolve and expand just as much as it has with those around me who are alive.
In the past twenty plus years, I’ve had all kinds of dreams of interacting with those who have crossed the Veil. But during the dreams my heartache was horrendous because my mind would get in the way and remind me that they were “really dead and that I had to accept and get used to that.”
So instead of enjoying the moments I had with them, regardless of the dimension I was in, I was miserable at the prospect of knowing they would be gone soon. And I’d awaken to this world in a state of deep sadness. I hated those mornings after—despair hung around me like a cloud.
When I remember the look in Molly’s eyes that last day with her and the many things she communicated to me intuitively and physically, I KNOW that despair is NOT what she wanted for me. She wasn’t dying in order to hurt me beyond being able to breathe again—she was reaching out, touching me, showing me moment by moment how much she enjoyed her life with me and how much she loved me. And it seemed important to her that I recognize that she was choosing that path in order to help me go beyond—to help me transcend death.
Molly and Max came into my life when I first began to make choices to live my life my own way—and they have played supportive roles through this whole process I look at as being my awakening to remembering who I really am.
The roles I’ve acted out and felt stuck in for so long are just dramatic scripts that I’ve immersed myself in for awhile in order to understand the energies and concepts we think of as LIFE. But ultimately, they were all just roles; no one acting part was completely reflective of all that I am.
And my two precious furry friends continue to support me—Molly on one side of the Veil of Forgetting, and her brother Max with me on this side. I’ve seen her twice in dreams—and she’s very much alive and well. Max leaves wet food in the dish for her to clean up each morning like he always did when she was alive.
The only time he didn’t leave food for her was the last day she was alive. She could only lick up and swallow the gravy, so he’d come by afterwards and clean out the drier remains left in their bowl--this was completely opposite of their usual way of eating together. When she was gone, he then reverted back to leaving a bit in the bowl for her.
Max also seems to allow her to use his body as a way to touch me—he’s done “Molly acts.” One night he lay next to me on the couch with his paws draped over my legs like Molly used to. And he now sits on Kel’s lap in the evenings like his sister used to, but only after looking me in the eyes to make sure I know that he’s sharing himself with both of us.
In moments, my heart still hurts with her not being here teasing me, scratching on my calf for butter or traipsing towards me with that smile—whiskers on a lady never looked more darling. And I’m not always certain which aspect of myself is running this particular show. Sometimes I wonder about letting myself wail out my grief like the gypsies and just immersing myself in feeling it all until the emotions are spent. Would it somehow release me? I’ve moved a great deal of pain through and out of myself that way in the recent past.
And sometimes I wonder if maybe I should just stay calm and watchful and keep my drama queen in check. Always I’m reminding myself, Molly’s right here—she never really did die—this is all just illusion, after all. And if that’s so, then HOW DO I want to walk this journey between her seeming to leave and her being here?
I see how Max allows himself to continue to enjoy his days on Earth and he works to make us laugh, too. I talk to Molly and tell her I’m watching for her—that I’m open to all of us being together again soon—and I’ve no idea how that looks. But I choose to explore the possibility that I don’t have to die in order to be reunited with her. I’ve got nothing to lose—I don’t care if I look foolish, and I don’t care about having a reputation.
And I hope it’s here—that Heaven is here on Earth wherever I am, for me…and wherever you are, for you…
Because when this is all said and done, it's truly been an honor...
Saturday, May 29, 2010
My Last Waltz with Dad
This was a night of Hell on Earth for everyone involved, and I wanted so much to be able to make it all never to have happened in the first place. But that wasn't the way it was to be. Like Jesus with his beloved friend Lazarus, I had to experience coming on the scene shortly after the death of one, and then feel and see myself and others go through pain I wouldn't wish upon anyone...
All of it just to learn to let go of control and allow the story the freedom to arrange and transform itself to play out for the good for all of us...
This one is still transforming for me, nearly eight years later...
It was the last week in August, 2005. I was home in Minneapolis feeling a bit sad. I’d just remembered a phone conversation I’d had with Dad sometime in the months before he died. After Mom died, he and I usually talked with one another every Sunday.
On this particular Sunday, he told me he’d gone to a wedding dance in Ludlow and had danced with my sister, Laurie, and his granddaughter, Renae. He then said he was sure sad that I wasn’t there, too—that he’d missed the chance to dance with me. Our favorite was the waltz.
I remember feeling a bit choked up at the time, and in an attempt to head off a really painful moment for the two of us that I didn’t want to tarnish the little joy he’d recently had, I chimed in, “Oh, that’s okay, Dad. I’m so glad you got the chance to dance with Laurie and Renae.”
Two years later, here I was remembering that exchange, finally allowing myself to feel the pain of the loss of that last waltz with him.
A few days later I was on the highway alone, headed to Laurie and Terry’s place to spend a little time visiting them and other family, and taking in a football game that my nephews were playing.
On September 3rd, the two-year anniversary of my last night with my dad, I was heading back to Laurie and Terry’s after having spent part of a joy-filled day with my oldest brother and his family and part of it with my brother Steve. As I passed the turn-off where Arlen had been killed, two guys on motorcycles passed me, causing me to think of him and that night, and finding myself grateful that I’d arrive at Laurie’s before it was dark. Deer were in the ditches and I was especially vigilant about not driving after dark.
As I rounded the curve at the North Dakota/South Dakota border, I found myself talking to Dad sharing my joy of the day with him. I glanced at the clock and noted it was nearly eight o’clock. A few moments later I saw a wavery, dark-gray haze moving across the highway a mile or so in front me, on the north face of a hill known as Microwave Tower Hill.
As I drew closer, I noticed a man was standing in the middle of the highway waving his arms to flag me down. I pulled to the shoulder, taking in the glint of a motorcycle off to the side, and realized it was the guys who had passed me earlier. As I stopped the car and got out, he ran up to me and asked if I had a cell phone, which I didn’t.
I started following him and realized they’d hit a deer and that one of the men, his brother, was sprawled across the center of the highway, and motorcycle parts and deer parts were strewn across both lanes. I got about three feet away from the man lying on the highway, didn’t notice any movement from him and found the question, “Is he dead?” choked off somewhere between my heart and my vocal cords. I couldn’t bring myself to voice it.
And then we heard the roar of another vehicle, not visible yet, but approaching from over the top of the south side of the hill. We rushed into the middle of the lane, waving our arms trying to stop the truck. But the engine never slowed, and I remember grabbing the guy’s shoulder to signal him to jump off the road with me, keeping my back turned away and bracing for the sound of the impact as the truck ran over the downed biker. As his brother yelled and screamed his frustration beside me, another vehicle sped by, never stopping.
Shock took over—it would take me days to remember the second vehicle whipping by without stopping. I realized I needed to turn on my emergency flashers on the car, and as I started down the road in that direction, the passenger in the first truck met me. They’d pulled over at the first approach and he’d walked back to help—never realized that their truck had run over a human being. They thought it was a motorcycle part--parts were strewn all over the highway, as I explained earlier, and the man was clothed in black, pretty much invisible. I didn't even know he was there until I'd gotten out of my car. I knew the occupants of the truck, they were friends of the family—and my heart just dropped.
I ran across the highway to turn on the flashers, but even though I had noted gratefully how easy they were to find when we bought the car, I couldn’t see them. In the meantime, a truck pulling a horsetrailer came from the direction I had, and we managed to get them stopped in time. The husband and wife, with a daughter named Hope, helped turn on my lights and stayed near me, and one-by-one, traffic was stopped both directions and emergency vehicles began arriving.
I remember making the conscious choice at the time to walk through this whole accident with compassion for myself instead of the self-criticism of what I “should have done.” I didn’t know I was on the scene of an accident until I’d left the car, and then things just unfurled in a matter of seconds of time.
Once we had someone managing traffic from both directions, his brother went over and sat down next to the man on the highway—and told me the story of why they were out riding that late. He was blaming himself, but I finally knew by that time that it was important to express those thoughts and feelings in order to release them, no matter how painful, or seemingly misdirected. So I kept my mouth shut and my hand on his shoulder, and let him vent his pain.
Human angels came out of the prairie that dark and tragic night. One man came forward and suggested he help move the brother over to the side of the road. Another vehicle drove slowly through offering first aid and use of their phone. A school friend who was a member of the fire department took the time to give me a comforting hug as he went about his duties. And yet another friend came to keep an eye out for me until I’d talked to the sheriff, and then she and her husband delivered me and my car to Laurie and Terry’s that night.
Laurie and Terry’s house reminded me of a lighthouse that night as we drove up. I remember needing to shower right away to rinse the smells and the tastes of that scene off of me. Ever seemingly present at times I needed her the most, Laurie was there to go for a walk with me in order to move and clear some energies in yet another way.
My sister-in-law had given me a pair of cute red flip-flops that day, and after wearing them that night I couldn’t bring myself to go near them. I ended up throwing them in the dump, but what I really wanted to do was to burn them.
I was concerned for the friend who was driving the truck that ran over the biker, so I finally mustered up the courage to call him the next morning. It was then that I found out that his wife was driving—that’s why he’d looked especially heartsick at the scene. They didn't know they'd run over a person (albeit, I'm certain the man had already left his body by then) until the highway patrol came to their door later that night.
When I called, he was grateful, because his wife was understandably horrified by it and having a hell of a time. Plus, like me, I'm sure they were both in a state of shock yet, too.
That Sunday morning after, Terry drove down the highway to have a neighbor familiarize him with the layout of some land and access routes for fighting prairie fires, should the need arise. Terry told me afterwards that he’d driven that highway all those years, never noticing until that morning that there was a blind spot as one descended the hill that kept a driver from seeing all the way to the bottom.
By then, I also realized that both brothers and I had been clothed in black, and that against the fairly new-topped black highway, we would have been invisible in the hours of dusk.
Armed with these few facts, I made myself get in my car a few days later and drive into town to see the driver of the truck. Understandably, she admitted she wasn’t so sure she wanted to talk with me when she saw me walking up to her home. But once we got to talking and sharing our versions with each other, we both found it helped answer mercifully a lot of scary questions.
She was actually a hero. She was the one who’d made the emergency call and gotten help to the scene—using a dead cell phone. She said she almost didn't take it with them that night on their way to town for supper because it was uncharged, but she remembered hearing a story about battered women who were given old cell phones, because 911 calls could still be made on them.
While her husband walked back to where we were, she stayed with the vehicle and proceeded to flash her lights on and off (she couldn’t find her flashers either, but got creative). I’m pretty sure she was instrumental in getting the traffic stopped behind me.
Our conversation took a turn down memory lane and we got on the subject of my parents. She began telling me about attending a wedding dance shortly after the death of her first husband. She said she hadn’t wanted to go, but that the parents of the bride were good friends of hers so she endured the pain of watching couples dancing by in front of her.
A man came by—my Dad—and invited her to dance a waltz with him. She told him she didn’t know how, but he encouraged her that they could still give it a try. She told me, “I don’t know if I could ever do it again, but I think we actually did pretty good. I felt like Cinderella in the middle of the floor, surrounded by all these people…”
When I remember that awful, tragic night—this story, my last waltz with my dad, is at the forefront...
It gives me hope that no story, no matter how dark, is ever complete until it takes a turn for the good…and I hope the story of that night for my beloved friend and her husband, and for those two brothers, is one of those, as well...
My beloved friends, please keep your hearts and minds open to new possibilities--miracles. This didn't happen in order to punish any of us. For me, it was another step towards opening the doors beyond the old story illusion called Death. As well as a chance for me to actually practice the art of SELF-COMPASSION that was then naturally expressed as compassion for all the others.
With love and gratitude, Harry and Edward...
P.S. Less than two years later in May, on our way to my nephew's graduation, my husband and I were driving down the same highway in broad sunny daylight around 1:30 in the afternoon. We passed a caravan of motorcycles and a Jimmy pulling a trailer parked on the side of the road exactly where I'd parked that fateful night. It felt too coincidental for both of us, so we turned around about a mile past to backtrack and ask if they were somehow connected with the motorcyclists that night. Even with knowing they were there, we couldn't actually see them until we were actually upon the site on the other side of that little dip and rise in the highway. And the cyclists knew nothing of the accident. They had stopped to do repairs on one of the bikes.
I've decided that miracles and gifts are all around me--I just have to keep my heart and eyes open.............
Another P.S. In 2008, Kel and I experienced our own personal collision with a deer at night. We were unharmed, but our pick-up warranted a trip to the body shop. We were in the middle of nowhere, couldn't find the deer, but called in and reported the accident. A week later I picked up our truck from the shop and drove it straight home. That night, Kelly was called into work on an emergency. As he backed out of the garage he noticed the clock read 1:11 am, and that the odometer read 111,111.11 miles. In numerology, the number "one" means "new beginnings"...
Click on the following links to read posts related to this one:
Can Death Be Transcended?
In Loving Memory and Honor...Arlen
With Love, Dad...
All of it just to learn to let go of control and allow the story the freedom to arrange and transform itself to play out for the good for all of us...
This one is still transforming for me, nearly eight years later...
It was the last week in August, 2005. I was home in Minneapolis feeling a bit sad. I’d just remembered a phone conversation I’d had with Dad sometime in the months before he died. After Mom died, he and I usually talked with one another every Sunday.
On this particular Sunday, he told me he’d gone to a wedding dance in Ludlow and had danced with my sister, Laurie, and his granddaughter, Renae. He then said he was sure sad that I wasn’t there, too—that he’d missed the chance to dance with me. Our favorite was the waltz.
I remember feeling a bit choked up at the time, and in an attempt to head off a really painful moment for the two of us that I didn’t want to tarnish the little joy he’d recently had, I chimed in, “Oh, that’s okay, Dad. I’m so glad you got the chance to dance with Laurie and Renae.”
Two years later, here I was remembering that exchange, finally allowing myself to feel the pain of the loss of that last waltz with him.
A few days later I was on the highway alone, headed to Laurie and Terry’s place to spend a little time visiting them and other family, and taking in a football game that my nephews were playing.
On September 3rd, the two-year anniversary of my last night with my dad, I was heading back to Laurie and Terry’s after having spent part of a joy-filled day with my oldest brother and his family and part of it with my brother Steve. As I passed the turn-off where Arlen had been killed, two guys on motorcycles passed me, causing me to think of him and that night, and finding myself grateful that I’d arrive at Laurie’s before it was dark. Deer were in the ditches and I was especially vigilant about not driving after dark.
As I rounded the curve at the North Dakota/South Dakota border, I found myself talking to Dad sharing my joy of the day with him. I glanced at the clock and noted it was nearly eight o’clock. A few moments later I saw a wavery, dark-gray haze moving across the highway a mile or so in front me, on the north face of a hill known as Microwave Tower Hill.
As I drew closer, I noticed a man was standing in the middle of the highway waving his arms to flag me down. I pulled to the shoulder, taking in the glint of a motorcycle off to the side, and realized it was the guys who had passed me earlier. As I stopped the car and got out, he ran up to me and asked if I had a cell phone, which I didn’t.
I started following him and realized they’d hit a deer and that one of the men, his brother, was sprawled across the center of the highway, and motorcycle parts and deer parts were strewn across both lanes. I got about three feet away from the man lying on the highway, didn’t notice any movement from him and found the question, “Is he dead?” choked off somewhere between my heart and my vocal cords. I couldn’t bring myself to voice it.
And then we heard the roar of another vehicle, not visible yet, but approaching from over the top of the south side of the hill. We rushed into the middle of the lane, waving our arms trying to stop the truck. But the engine never slowed, and I remember grabbing the guy’s shoulder to signal him to jump off the road with me, keeping my back turned away and bracing for the sound of the impact as the truck ran over the downed biker. As his brother yelled and screamed his frustration beside me, another vehicle sped by, never stopping.
Shock took over—it would take me days to remember the second vehicle whipping by without stopping. I realized I needed to turn on my emergency flashers on the car, and as I started down the road in that direction, the passenger in the first truck met me. They’d pulled over at the first approach and he’d walked back to help—never realized that their truck had run over a human being. They thought it was a motorcycle part--parts were strewn all over the highway, as I explained earlier, and the man was clothed in black, pretty much invisible. I didn't even know he was there until I'd gotten out of my car. I knew the occupants of the truck, they were friends of the family—and my heart just dropped.
I ran across the highway to turn on the flashers, but even though I had noted gratefully how easy they were to find when we bought the car, I couldn’t see them. In the meantime, a truck pulling a horsetrailer came from the direction I had, and we managed to get them stopped in time. The husband and wife, with a daughter named Hope, helped turn on my lights and stayed near me, and one-by-one, traffic was stopped both directions and emergency vehicles began arriving.
I remember making the conscious choice at the time to walk through this whole accident with compassion for myself instead of the self-criticism of what I “should have done.” I didn’t know I was on the scene of an accident until I’d left the car, and then things just unfurled in a matter of seconds of time.
Once we had someone managing traffic from both directions, his brother went over and sat down next to the man on the highway—and told me the story of why they were out riding that late. He was blaming himself, but I finally knew by that time that it was important to express those thoughts and feelings in order to release them, no matter how painful, or seemingly misdirected. So I kept my mouth shut and my hand on his shoulder, and let him vent his pain.
Human angels came out of the prairie that dark and tragic night. One man came forward and suggested he help move the brother over to the side of the road. Another vehicle drove slowly through offering first aid and use of their phone. A school friend who was a member of the fire department took the time to give me a comforting hug as he went about his duties. And yet another friend came to keep an eye out for me until I’d talked to the sheriff, and then she and her husband delivered me and my car to Laurie and Terry’s that night.
Laurie and Terry’s house reminded me of a lighthouse that night as we drove up. I remember needing to shower right away to rinse the smells and the tastes of that scene off of me. Ever seemingly present at times I needed her the most, Laurie was there to go for a walk with me in order to move and clear some energies in yet another way.
My sister-in-law had given me a pair of cute red flip-flops that day, and after wearing them that night I couldn’t bring myself to go near them. I ended up throwing them in the dump, but what I really wanted to do was to burn them.
I was concerned for the friend who was driving the truck that ran over the biker, so I finally mustered up the courage to call him the next morning. It was then that I found out that his wife was driving—that’s why he’d looked especially heartsick at the scene. They didn't know they'd run over a person (albeit, I'm certain the man had already left his body by then) until the highway patrol came to their door later that night.
When I called, he was grateful, because his wife was understandably horrified by it and having a hell of a time. Plus, like me, I'm sure they were both in a state of shock yet, too.
That Sunday morning after, Terry drove down the highway to have a neighbor familiarize him with the layout of some land and access routes for fighting prairie fires, should the need arise. Terry told me afterwards that he’d driven that highway all those years, never noticing until that morning that there was a blind spot as one descended the hill that kept a driver from seeing all the way to the bottom.
By then, I also realized that both brothers and I had been clothed in black, and that against the fairly new-topped black highway, we would have been invisible in the hours of dusk.
Armed with these few facts, I made myself get in my car a few days later and drive into town to see the driver of the truck. Understandably, she admitted she wasn’t so sure she wanted to talk with me when she saw me walking up to her home. But once we got to talking and sharing our versions with each other, we both found it helped answer mercifully a lot of scary questions.
She was actually a hero. She was the one who’d made the emergency call and gotten help to the scene—using a dead cell phone. She said she almost didn't take it with them that night on their way to town for supper because it was uncharged, but she remembered hearing a story about battered women who were given old cell phones, because 911 calls could still be made on them.
While her husband walked back to where we were, she stayed with the vehicle and proceeded to flash her lights on and off (she couldn’t find her flashers either, but got creative). I’m pretty sure she was instrumental in getting the traffic stopped behind me.
Our conversation took a turn down memory lane and we got on the subject of my parents. She began telling me about attending a wedding dance shortly after the death of her first husband. She said she hadn’t wanted to go, but that the parents of the bride were good friends of hers so she endured the pain of watching couples dancing by in front of her.
A man came by—my Dad—and invited her to dance a waltz with him. She told him she didn’t know how, but he encouraged her that they could still give it a try. She told me, “I don’t know if I could ever do it again, but I think we actually did pretty good. I felt like Cinderella in the middle of the floor, surrounded by all these people…”
When I remember that awful, tragic night—this story, my last waltz with my dad, is at the forefront...
It gives me hope that no story, no matter how dark, is ever complete until it takes a turn for the good…and I hope the story of that night for my beloved friend and her husband, and for those two brothers, is one of those, as well...
My beloved friends, please keep your hearts and minds open to new possibilities--miracles. This didn't happen in order to punish any of us. For me, it was another step towards opening the doors beyond the old story illusion called Death. As well as a chance for me to actually practice the art of SELF-COMPASSION that was then naturally expressed as compassion for all the others.
With love and gratitude, Harry and Edward...
P.S. Less than two years later in May, on our way to my nephew's graduation, my husband and I were driving down the same highway in broad sunny daylight around 1:30 in the afternoon. We passed a caravan of motorcycles and a Jimmy pulling a trailer parked on the side of the road exactly where I'd parked that fateful night. It felt too coincidental for both of us, so we turned around about a mile past to backtrack and ask if they were somehow connected with the motorcyclists that night. Even with knowing they were there, we couldn't actually see them until we were actually upon the site on the other side of that little dip and rise in the highway. And the cyclists knew nothing of the accident. They had stopped to do repairs on one of the bikes.
I've decided that miracles and gifts are all around me--I just have to keep my heart and eyes open.............
Another P.S. In 2008, Kel and I experienced our own personal collision with a deer at night. We were unharmed, but our pick-up warranted a trip to the body shop. We were in the middle of nowhere, couldn't find the deer, but called in and reported the accident. A week later I picked up our truck from the shop and drove it straight home. That night, Kelly was called into work on an emergency. As he backed out of the garage he noticed the clock read 1:11 am, and that the odometer read 111,111.11 miles. In numerology, the number "one" means "new beginnings"...
Click on the following links to read posts related to this one:
Can Death Be Transcended?
In Loving Memory and Honor...Arlen
With Love, Dad...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Can Death Be Transcended?
This gift of a world of experience that God/Source gave me turned into a harsh, cruel world for me sometime in my early childhood. One of our dogs gave birth to a litter of puppies that was put in a gunnysack and drowned in the creek right after birth. It was done from an intention of doing the right and compassionate thing, because too many dogs in the context of that time and place equaled a pack that could wipe out a neighbor’s entire pasture of livestock.
But I didn’t understand that at the time—not that any rationalization mattered. All I knew were my own feelings of devastation, along with the mother’s, at the loss of all of that playful life. It’s the only time I recall of ever running away from home--which was to a place in the currant bushes a few trees into the shelter belt closest to the house--where I bawled out my distress and pain.
In looking back, it was one of those life-influencing moments where the door to the magic land closed. The new portal that was opened and that I’ve been exploring ever since is the one where the pre-dominant belief has been, “This is a cruel world and this is what you do to survive in it…and some of the things you have to do, you’re not going to like…but that’s life…that’s just the way it is…”
So, my question is, and has been all along: Can death be transcended? I really desire to know that it truly can. My own death doesn’t scare me, but losing my loved ones to death scares the hell out of me. I’m so tired of it. Eleven days ago I was done writing because death came calling at my doorstep once again and hit me where it could hurt the most. I literally lost it all for awhile. I couldn’t seem to get myself centered in the present moment and then I got a cold like I haven’t had in years and I just torpedoed into crazy land.
But, here I am, writing, getting centered, telling myself out loud over and over again, “I am that I am!!! I AM that I AM!!! Telling myself to trust that part of me that “knows” this experience is going somewhere that I truly don’t want to miss out on. So, at the risk of showing to the world how big a fool I can be, I’m writing everything down. I don’t know where this will lead. I only have the sense that it’s going to take a few postings and this first one will be a long one.
Part of this past week has been a process of becoming aware of all the voices that I’ve been listening to: mass consciousness, my own aspects, parents, teachers, preachers, any of the people around me at a given time, my “I am” voice, to name a few. This week one of those aspect voices came screaming to the forefront. She’s been pulling on my strings for a very long time, sometimes quietly, sometimes raging. And I’ve worked long and hard to try to quiet her, even avoid her, but she won’t shut up. I will call her Pure Desolation, a.k.a. All-Aloneness.
July 21, 1984: That’s the night Penny Lee Lewton died. Yes, my heart continued beating and my brain waves, waving—but while my biology kept on going, something intrinsically me died that night. I’m not sure what to call it even. I just lost HER.
That’s the night I returned home from a night out (the night from Hell) with my cousin and a friend of ours in Baker, MT. Pat had invited me to ride along with him—he was going over to have Brenda, our barber friend, cut his hair. Earlier, I had called Arlen to see if he’d go with me to the movie “Sixteen Candles” that was showing in town but he declined because he’d taken the weekend off from his job to help his family with harvest.
I felt a bit hurt and angry with him—this would later turn into the guilt trip (yes, from Hell) that lasted me decades—but decided I’d ride along with Pat for something to do. His staying home to help the family by working was a noble thing—I was being frivolous and irresponsible and demanding. It took me well over 25 years to realize that I’d actually offered Arlen a different path that night—but no, I had to view myself as a selfish little bastard instead, and punish myself accordingly.
We got to Baker, and Brenda cut Pat’s hair, after which we went to one of the bars for a drink. It seemed we just set foot in the bar when some inebriated guy took a shine to me. I tried convincing him that I was unavailable—even tried passing Pat off as my boyfriend—but the guy didn’t buy it and continued making advances.
We finally left Baker and on the drive home all I remember is thinking over and over to myself--I can’t wait to get home to Arlen. I can’t wait to get home to Arlen…
But when Pat pulled the car up in our driveway, Dad, Mom, Laurie and Dave stood outside the back door on the steps waiting for me.
I don’t remember the exact words, only that Dad told me Arlen had been hit by a car and killed while crossing the highway on his motorcycle on his way home from the field.
All I remember is screaming over and over into the night, “No-oooo! No-ooo…” For once, I didn’t give a shit what the neighbors or anyone thought.
And it’s the one night I experienced my solid, strong but gentle mom completely left hanging out there, not knowing how she was going to console or pick up the broken being that was her daughter.
Mom knew all too well the pain of losing loved ones to death. Her own rock-of-the-family mother had died when Mom was 19—only six weeks after she and Dad got married. Her youngest brother shot himself after being left paralyzed from an auto accident—he’d also been in his twenties. She’d also lost her only sister to cancer in the early 1970s.
After this night we had in common an experience neither of us ever wished on anyone—ever. But the damn thing called Death keeps happening.
Laurie slept in my bed alongside me those first few nights. I felt SO ALONE in my loss of Arlen. And when I think of it, we all uniquely experience the loss just as we do the life—no one’s is greater, just different and the only of its kind.
Mornings were Hell—one more day to get through, one day further away from touching Arlen. I just wanted to be held by him, but it wasn’t happening. I just wanted to be held, but I didn’t know how to ask for it. I was terrified of forgetting with the passage of time, the smallest detail of the moments we had shared.
I was aware that I was an aching reminder to Arlen’s family of the void left by Arlen’s death, though they were so good to me. I was painfully aware that I was a reminder to my own brother of the best friend he’d lost. Tim and Cheri and Arlen and I had done everything together. They had set us up and were with us on our first date. I couldn’t give Tim his best friend back. It almost felt as though he’d entrusted me with something priceless and I’d screwed up and lost it all, for all of us.
I felt like a walking bomb of pain that people tolerated—that I no longer really fit in anywhere. At least, not in the places I had when I was a part of the twosome called Arlen and Penny.
Christmas was Hell. Everyone around me kept on with their traditions, lives, families—but my celebrating had stopped. And I couldn’t find the words to express it—it just moldered away inside of me. I had no future, no partner, no children—I was in the world, but for all intents and purposes, I was dead at twenty.
I know I walked around with a scowl etched on my face. I was angry as hell with God, believing He was punishing me for not loving Arlen enough by taking him away from me. You know, “Nip that emerging tyrant in the bud.”
I remember likening the whole experience to feeling as though I’d been thrown face-down into a pile of gravel with a hand at the back of my head pressing and grinding my face in deeper.
I don’t remember confiding many of these things to the people around me—maybe some I did—but much of it I kept to myself, mainly because I had no words.
I SO DID NOT take Arlen’s death gracefully, in any way, shape or form. But I kept my most tortured parts of myself to myself.
After all, according to the belief of the time, sacrificing one’s own happiness for that of another was what it was all about. So I moved forward choosing to enslave myself in what was a distorted form of service to the never-ending supply of wounded ones outside of me, all in an attempt to keep Pure Desolation, who resided inside me, from feeling All-Alone. She just wanted to be held…
Maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright…I’m hoping that’s where I’m headed with all this…
For more about Arlen click to access the following post: In Loving Memory and Honor...Arlen
But I didn’t understand that at the time—not that any rationalization mattered. All I knew were my own feelings of devastation, along with the mother’s, at the loss of all of that playful life. It’s the only time I recall of ever running away from home--which was to a place in the currant bushes a few trees into the shelter belt closest to the house--where I bawled out my distress and pain.
In looking back, it was one of those life-influencing moments where the door to the magic land closed. The new portal that was opened and that I’ve been exploring ever since is the one where the pre-dominant belief has been, “This is a cruel world and this is what you do to survive in it…and some of the things you have to do, you’re not going to like…but that’s life…that’s just the way it is…”
So, my question is, and has been all along: Can death be transcended? I really desire to know that it truly can. My own death doesn’t scare me, but losing my loved ones to death scares the hell out of me. I’m so tired of it. Eleven days ago I was done writing because death came calling at my doorstep once again and hit me where it could hurt the most. I literally lost it all for awhile. I couldn’t seem to get myself centered in the present moment and then I got a cold like I haven’t had in years and I just torpedoed into crazy land.
But, here I am, writing, getting centered, telling myself out loud over and over again, “I am that I am!!! I AM that I AM!!! Telling myself to trust that part of me that “knows” this experience is going somewhere that I truly don’t want to miss out on. So, at the risk of showing to the world how big a fool I can be, I’m writing everything down. I don’t know where this will lead. I only have the sense that it’s going to take a few postings and this first one will be a long one.
Part of this past week has been a process of becoming aware of all the voices that I’ve been listening to: mass consciousness, my own aspects, parents, teachers, preachers, any of the people around me at a given time, my “I am” voice, to name a few. This week one of those aspect voices came screaming to the forefront. She’s been pulling on my strings for a very long time, sometimes quietly, sometimes raging. And I’ve worked long and hard to try to quiet her, even avoid her, but she won’t shut up. I will call her Pure Desolation, a.k.a. All-Aloneness.
July 21, 1984: That’s the night Penny Lee Lewton died. Yes, my heart continued beating and my brain waves, waving—but while my biology kept on going, something intrinsically me died that night. I’m not sure what to call it even. I just lost HER.
That’s the night I returned home from a night out (the night from Hell) with my cousin and a friend of ours in Baker, MT. Pat had invited me to ride along with him—he was going over to have Brenda, our barber friend, cut his hair. Earlier, I had called Arlen to see if he’d go with me to the movie “Sixteen Candles” that was showing in town but he declined because he’d taken the weekend off from his job to help his family with harvest.
I felt a bit hurt and angry with him—this would later turn into the guilt trip (yes, from Hell) that lasted me decades—but decided I’d ride along with Pat for something to do. His staying home to help the family by working was a noble thing—I was being frivolous and irresponsible and demanding. It took me well over 25 years to realize that I’d actually offered Arlen a different path that night—but no, I had to view myself as a selfish little bastard instead, and punish myself accordingly.
We got to Baker, and Brenda cut Pat’s hair, after which we went to one of the bars for a drink. It seemed we just set foot in the bar when some inebriated guy took a shine to me. I tried convincing him that I was unavailable—even tried passing Pat off as my boyfriend—but the guy didn’t buy it and continued making advances.
We finally left Baker and on the drive home all I remember is thinking over and over to myself--I can’t wait to get home to Arlen. I can’t wait to get home to Arlen…
But when Pat pulled the car up in our driveway, Dad, Mom, Laurie and Dave stood outside the back door on the steps waiting for me.
I don’t remember the exact words, only that Dad told me Arlen had been hit by a car and killed while crossing the highway on his motorcycle on his way home from the field.
All I remember is screaming over and over into the night, “No-oooo! No-ooo…” For once, I didn’t give a shit what the neighbors or anyone thought.
And it’s the one night I experienced my solid, strong but gentle mom completely left hanging out there, not knowing how she was going to console or pick up the broken being that was her daughter.
Mom knew all too well the pain of losing loved ones to death. Her own rock-of-the-family mother had died when Mom was 19—only six weeks after she and Dad got married. Her youngest brother shot himself after being left paralyzed from an auto accident—he’d also been in his twenties. She’d also lost her only sister to cancer in the early 1970s.
After this night we had in common an experience neither of us ever wished on anyone—ever. But the damn thing called Death keeps happening.
Laurie slept in my bed alongside me those first few nights. I felt SO ALONE in my loss of Arlen. And when I think of it, we all uniquely experience the loss just as we do the life—no one’s is greater, just different and the only of its kind.
Mornings were Hell—one more day to get through, one day further away from touching Arlen. I just wanted to be held by him, but it wasn’t happening. I just wanted to be held, but I didn’t know how to ask for it. I was terrified of forgetting with the passage of time, the smallest detail of the moments we had shared.
I was aware that I was an aching reminder to Arlen’s family of the void left by Arlen’s death, though they were so good to me. I was painfully aware that I was a reminder to my own brother of the best friend he’d lost. Tim and Cheri and Arlen and I had done everything together. They had set us up and were with us on our first date. I couldn’t give Tim his best friend back. It almost felt as though he’d entrusted me with something priceless and I’d screwed up and lost it all, for all of us.
I felt like a walking bomb of pain that people tolerated—that I no longer really fit in anywhere. At least, not in the places I had when I was a part of the twosome called Arlen and Penny.
Christmas was Hell. Everyone around me kept on with their traditions, lives, families—but my celebrating had stopped. And I couldn’t find the words to express it—it just moldered away inside of me. I had no future, no partner, no children—I was in the world, but for all intents and purposes, I was dead at twenty.
I know I walked around with a scowl etched on my face. I was angry as hell with God, believing He was punishing me for not loving Arlen enough by taking him away from me. You know, “Nip that emerging tyrant in the bud.”
I remember likening the whole experience to feeling as though I’d been thrown face-down into a pile of gravel with a hand at the back of my head pressing and grinding my face in deeper.
I don’t remember confiding many of these things to the people around me—maybe some I did—but much of it I kept to myself, mainly because I had no words.
I SO DID NOT take Arlen’s death gracefully, in any way, shape or form. But I kept my most tortured parts of myself to myself.
After all, according to the belief of the time, sacrificing one’s own happiness for that of another was what it was all about. So I moved forward choosing to enslave myself in what was a distorted form of service to the never-ending supply of wounded ones outside of me, all in an attempt to keep Pure Desolation, who resided inside me, from feeling All-Alone. She just wanted to be held…
Maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright…I’m hoping that’s where I’m headed with all this…
For more about Arlen click to access the following post: In Loving Memory and Honor...Arlen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)