Stopping the "If only I woulda, coulda, shoulda, didn'ts..."

 "You made your bed, now lie in it."

Kind of puts a lot of pressure on a person to make sure they make the right choice, doesn't it? Then to add to that, you maybe had some prior experiences, based on choices you made, that turned out to be not so much fun and laughs. Some were even traumatic--some were real life-changers. So your trust in your ability to make right choices is all laying down there in the pooper. 

You have a traumatically painful experience--someone dies, someone breaks off a relationship with you. In both instances it feels like rejection. It hurts like hell. You're in a void, frustrated that you're still breathing (barely) and  dammit! still waking up to new days of no tomorrows worth living.

So you settle. You join ship with someone else who's agreeable with you (but in your mind it's your second choice), and you both base an entire lifetime on having made that choice to settle, while trying not to admit it to yourself. You try to protect yourself from hurting so much again. You try to control and monitor yourself, and you try controlling and monitoring everyone and everything around you to make that safe-seeming, self-compromising choice the right choice. Because there is no going back and changing your mind after all that, is there? But maybe there is....

Settling often means we're holding onto a guilty secret, and while we feel ashamed about it and try to tuck it away from our awareness--try to make the best of things--it has a way of staying in our cells and creeping into our lives when our guard is down. It influences how we perceive and react to things no matter how strongly we think we have it under control. It influences how we create the reality, the experiences in our present lives. We're the ones in its prison cell. 

And the only way out is to honestly acknowledge to oneself that it's there. 

We each actually put it all there,....and....we alone are the only ones who can release ourselves from it. Not the other person....

But you have to go beyond the linear timeline that you were most probably on when you made that choice. You have to open your perspective up to see the bigger picture: 

It was all just a collection of experiences. You built up an identity around them and in response to it all when you thought you were just this Little Human--but none of that is who and what you are. That identity is the human costume you wear while having experiences out of love for your soul. There is actually no right or wrong choice--it's all just experience--period. 

You are so much more than that cut-and-dried identity you made yourself to be....

When you open yourself to seeing things from your soul's viewpoint, you realize there is no time and there is no space. There really is no right or wrong....

It's just an experience from a soup of potential experiences you attract to yourself based on your awareness of yourself and how limited that awareness is. 

They are all your energies in a soupy field of energies--free of Time and Space--solely in service to you. 

They were just potentials you experienced in what seemed like a certain sequence because you were playing in the duality game--a game of contrasts and polar opposites. You had a very limited idea of who you were that then naturally limited the experiences you attracted to yourself and your perception of them. 

You believed you were in service to time and space instead of them being energy patterns serving you. You believed there were definite right choices and there were definite wrong choices. It was all black and white in there until you hit some gray areas where the choice wasn't so clear. That's when self-doubt kicked in.... and....that niggly doubt built upon itself, and with it came a rash of experiences that added to the chaotic confusion. 

You no longer trusted yourself....much less, your ability to make a good choice....

So, now you know you can view it all differently. Now you have a broader perspective if you choose to use it. You have the tools to understand it and set yourself free. Just dive into that stuff--acknowledge they've been tugging at you--those finger-pointing whispers you've been trying to avoid looking at and listening to for so long. They are your demons that haunt you....and....you just didn't know what to do with them, until you knew....

So what if you settled. So what if you wouldn't, you couldn't, you shouldn't, you did or didn't....it's not the cut and dried if only way you once thought it all was. Give yourself a break. Go ahead--step out of line. Go beyond the linear timeline and set yourself and your world free. Your decisions, your past--your identity--truly is not who you are.

Opened Eyes

Opened Eyes

Words and music by Penny Lewton Binek

I was driving down the highway

Thinking through my past,

When suddenly it came to me

As clear as crystal glass:

I have thanked you for the good times,

It's time to thank you for the bad.

All the parts we play, you see,

Show me who I am!

Chorus:

These are my footsteps, my battles--

A contrast, every one,

To the Light which I see within me

Dawning as the Sun/Son.

The love that I sought was in me,

Buried beneath a film.

From the sorrows of a blinded heart

To the joys of opened eyes!

Thank you to the doctor 

who could not cure my ills

All we seemed to see 

was the sin in me

which we tried to fix with pills.

It made me look past my pained condition

to the perfection that's my soul.

I never could have seen it,

much less, believed it,

had you done anymore than MY will!

Chorus

To the lawyer who lost my cases

and the systems which seemed to fail--

We always seemed to be persecuting me,

condemning me to jail.

It made me ask the deeper questions

and search my heart for what felt right.

I see truth in me, unending liberty,

a loving justice that's prevailed!

Chorus

Mom and Dad, you know that I have adored you

From the moment I was born.

Imagine my dismay, when I found one day

That to your views I'd not conform!

It made me look deep inside,

And question my pride,

For with this I must not be wrong!

But what better way to see the strength of my faith--

Than have to"go against" the two of you...

Chorus

The New Lullaby

The New Lullaby
Words and music by Penny Lewton Binek

The sun nestles into the vee of the hills

Snuggling in, sinking deeper and deeper into the downy folds of the earth

The wind sighs one last breath

Mother moon cuddles her slumbering babe 

 A rhythmic thump-whump, thump-whump, thump-whump--her lullaby: 

 

I love you, and your daddy does, too,

Guiding and loving the best we can do.

Remember this thru' time's trickling sands:

You're in the most loving hands.

Life has its sorrows, and life has its joys--

Scraped knees and tumbles, soft kisses and sighs.

Taste it all, understanding in full

The purpose for this time.

When you've tired of fighting lost fights,

Your dreams all seem broken, no hope left in sight.

You'll pick yourself up and dry the tears from your eyes,

And separate truth from lie.

Life has its sorrows, and life has its joys--

Scraped knees and tumbles, soft kisses and sighs.

Taste it all, understanding in full

We need our Darkness to see our Light!

I love you, and your daddy does, too,

Guiding and loving the best we can do.

Remember this thru' time's trickling sands:
You're in the most loving hands--

You're in Your Own loving hands...

Armored for Rejection? I was....

 This morning I reread an old channel from 2006 on being a standard:

Crimson Circle 2006 Clarity Series Midsummer New Energy Conference: Adamus Channel (This is a link to the text version, but Audio is also available. Just click on the Clarity Series 2005-2006 in the Crimson Circle website and you'll find it).

Sixteen years ago, I probably listened twice to the above audio channel and then read through the text version also. Things felt very new, even though they resonated, and the profundity or depth of the material easily overwhelmed my mind. I remember staying fully awake through the first listening, but the second time around I would invariably fall asleep. My brother, Steve, experienced the same thing. It wasn't a hypnosis either. It was an awakening to who I really am, to who we all really are.

There is one section that stood out for me:

"You were persecuted for your beliefs. You were persecuted for what you were trying to do at the time. Because of your experience with the Orders, the Orders that you loved so deeply, great pain was brought to you. And it wasn’t just the blood, it was the emotional pain.

The emotional pain for many of you of being asked to leave the order. The remembrance of what it was like to step before the council on Earth at that time and be asked to leave. The feeling of rejection, the feeling of being put out from a group who you loved so dearly, who you committed yourself to so dearly, who you fought for, who you defended.

But I ask you to take this moment to remember and to feel the energy of that moment when you were asked to leave, and why you were asked to leave. And although it has caused difficulties and hardship for you ever since, there was a reason, my dear loved ones.

You had grown so much in your own right. You had become so enlightened and experienced in your own way that the Order itself was no longer appropriate for you. You were asked to leave to go out and discover things for yourself now, to go out and collect and to learn and to grow on your own so that we could come back together again at this moment, in this day of convergence, with all you have picked up along the way, with your wisdom and your love, with the lessons you have learned about yourself and about humanity, and bring them back to this spot.

You have been out harvesting Life, learning Life. You were the teacher who went out to become a new student so that you could return again once more as a new Teacher. And that is why we asked you to leave. It was an honor, although it may not have appeared that way at the time. It was a blessing to you and to All That Is."

While I fully grasp the necessity in being made to leave those I loved so dearly--you really cannot be a full-fledged sovereign when you're so deeply enmeshed with a group. You can't discern your own voice from those you feel so connected to. Going alone for awhile is what sovereignty is about. You have to cultivate a loving and balanced relationship with oneself, the core, if you want to manifest it in your world.

But to be kicked out, to be rejected, ejected out there without a soft place to land? That hurt on a level more painful than physical abuse or torture. I should know. I've been trying throughout this entire lifetime to not feel that awful piercing, breath-sucking pain of being outcast by those I loved and admired and respected. Yet it was happening time and time again, no matter how much I loved and even protected them, saw the best in them even when they let me down. It hit me right in the gut and in the heart--and it shackled me.

You see, I've always been on the outside looking in. Whether it be my biological or married family, spiritual family like Crimson Circle, my class, my school, my friends, my partners, my community, any causes I felt drawn to. I may feel a part of them all for a bit, but eventually I saw what was happening again and again and again. I was always playing the part of supporting actress. No one seemed to truly understand me, or care to.

I know that sounds like a poor pitiful me story....and....I know I created it. I take full responsibility for manifesting it and perceiving it the way I did. But the fear of the pain of rejection was so great that I've had iron-clad armor on this entire time. It was my way of coping. I was trying to protect myself--and that unconscious radiation of a barrier bubble attracted to me a load of experiences of being rejected, unseen, unimportant. Betrayed even, let down, shamed into feeling bad about myself. 

I am the queen of rejection....and.... I am sovereign of my domain.

I have written about having made the connection with another lifetime of my soul, one where I referred to myself as "The Dark Lady." She was the one who basically said, "To hell with it all!" and she dove into evil like never before. I've known that she's been a wounded aspect that influenced my lifetime as Penny by me carrying a huge bag of guilt and shame that didn't really fit anything I've done this time around. I have the scars to prove it. But today my understanding went deeper. I'm finally grasping that she distorted her light into such horrific actions because of the life-altering pain of rejection by those with whom she connected so deeply with in matters of Light and Love--of Consciousness. I can actually feel this awareness tingling within me as I write.

Last weekend I was anticipating a special channel Adamus St-Germain was doing with Shaumbra on Tuesday in honor of  Two's Day, 2-22-22. Out of the blue, I started experiencing back pain that has stayed with me all the way through to this morning, 8 days later. Nothing relieved it, not even walking, or rather, trying to walk. On Tuesday I made the connection to the pain being related to the old power games raging to the surface due to the huge power vortex that has Russia and the Ukraine at war, as well as a lot of other saber-rattling, as Adamus put it, going on around the world. Even here in the US of America and in Canada. In our personal lives, too. There's a huge anger to it that fuels it.

For me, I knew that I put the painful symptom in my back here, and that it was an old power struggle coming out from my own soul's experience. I was getting some benefit from the pain, but I couldn't seem to release it even though I'm done with suffering and self-sacrifice nonsense. I'm shaking my head now because the core personal truth of the moment I've been operating from has been hitting me square between the eyes, for all my life, experience after experience after experience. My master self has been yelling at me, "Penny! You're trying not to feel rejected!!! You had a life expression that felt it so deeply she reacted in knee-jerk anger and victimhood that resulted in having your soul even wonder where that evil out-lash came from. You're afraid of not being able to survive the PAIN of REJECTION! Or at least, not survive it gracefully without horrendous consequences."

Hell, I've been rejected far more often than anything else it seems....and....I'm still here....and I'm no longer a crazed, cornered-feeling bitch either (I have to grin). Regardless, I appreciate me--all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly--and the part that can see it all as the big picture. The canvas of contrasts that is the duality that gave my soul this Earthly human experience that helped me learn how my own field of energy serves me.

The armor against rejection is off. I cried a bit as I let myself feel all that pain of being left out. I had to take off my big-girl panties for a moment in order to do it, to feel into the core of me, to honestly see things as they were. I replayed a lot of scenes through my mind--and I didn't have to dig deep. They were all right at hand, as they have been all along. I just didn't know how to address them until I knew. That's the way sovereignty works. You can hear things, even repeat things that really resonate with you, but you don't realize them for yourself until it's the perfect time for you.

FYI: My back is feeling better and more flexible than it has all week. I felt it loosen as I cried in the mirror, and it's improved more and more as I wrote this out.

It's all okay. No matter what. We're all okay....and....I know this for myself. Not because somebody else told me so....

Hope and Redemption for the Awakening Self-Righteous Frenenemy, Villain, Liar, Cheat

"I did it all wrong...."

I don't know what he meant because he didn't elaborate on it, but these are the words Grandpa said to his son, my dad, towards the end of a very rocky and tumultuous relationship. They couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything, yet they couldn't stay away from each other either. In retrospect, I sense they liked the power struggle game they played out together. They were having fun with it....until they weren't.

Something shifted with them when Dad told us what Grandpa had said. Afterwards, they spent a day fishing together, just the two of them. That was an unprecedented event between a man--a survivor--who saw his family through the Great Depression and a son who was a bit more sensitive than many men of his era, those who grew up during World War II. 

My dad probably wouldn't have liked being called sensitive--most men of his time wouldn't--but the truth is I see the kindness and vulnerability stuffed and hidden beneath the mask of a tough exterior and a black and white sense of right and wrong. I saw it in my grandpa, too. I see it in everyone, actually, and the more macho the talk, the more obvious it is that someone is trying to get a handle on their own fear.

I love and appreciate the men in my life just as I love and appreciate the women....and what's coming about right now is we're in an era of bringing into balance the masculine and the feminine facets that exist in every single one of us. We're bringing it into a healthy and delightful dance. In other words--the Power Game Survival of the Fittest is obsolete and on its way out. The villain roles are no longer needed.

"Bring that which is hidden into the Light."

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I've been passionate about changing the endings of most of our stories of the ages where the villain dies in the end. It's never truly felt like a happy or even fully resolved ending to me. I won't be sitting in the front row seat of anyone's execution, no matter how awful a person has been. I am saddened and hurt at the heinous acts unawakened humans are capable of doing....and....I am also aware of the potential of immensely compassionate inspiration they could provide to their world by waking up, grabbing the bull by the horns and saying out loud, "I did something wrong."

Someone once did that with me on the subject of molestation--they apologized to me without trying to justify it--and it forever changed the course of my life and my perspective. I'm writing and addressing stuff I once thought I'd never bring up--things I felt ashamed of, embarrassed about, guilty over. All because someone had the courage to say, "I'm sorry."

Bring me your weary and awakening self-righteous frenemies, villains, liars and cheats....

My purpose in writing this is to give everyone a soft place to land, to rest, to reflect, to weep, to feel into the REAL YOU!

....put down your weapons, take off your macho armor, and open those shut-down terrified hearts to hope....to brand new beginnings.

You--we are ALL so much more than these Little Human roles we've been playing out together. I would so love you to know that before you die because that helps change and elevate our world more than you having all these realizations on the other side of the Veil, after the fact.

These past two years of the coronavirus have brought out the Self-Righteous Frenemy aspect.

These are the "friends" who believe they have a moratorium on how we should all be. They think they are the intellectuals whom people need to follow because humans just can't be trusted to manage their own lives as well as someone "more knowledgeable of 'the facts' can."

Frankly, I don't like being told how to be. Political correctness is a lying bunch of bullshit if it isn't coming from a sincere heart--and we can all see through bullshit, if we choose.

These so-called friendly posers actually believe they have the best interests of the world at heart, but they are so blind to their own self-righteousness that they can't see what they are actually doing. It often involves pointing fingers of blame at someone else....and....those fingers always manage to do a 180, and point right back at the pointer.

And....unawakened and unaware humans have been too quick to give their own sovereignty and responsibility for their own life into the hands of someone else all too happy to play the power game out with them.

I am all about freedom here, and I trust you to be the best version of yourself you can be when you've awakened to whom you really are. Suddenly all those causes and power struggles cease to matter, and it becomes more of a focus on living your best life, regardless of what anyone else thinks....and no longer whining about how naughty someone else is being.

If you've played the role of frenemy, it's really okay, you know. You are well-placed to bring some light and humor to the whole subject. I'll forgive you because, of course, I've dabbled in that, too.

Don't try to excuse, rationalize or justify your indiscretions...

To be human--especially unawakened to the more that you are--means you are capable of having done atrocious acts in order to play in the game of Survival of the Fittest. We've all been there, done that....maybe not so much in this particular lifetime for some, but we've most likely played some evil, twisted stuff out in other lifetimes.

You can really bring in the Light to some of the darkest places and reveal otherwise unseen potentials of resolution, but you have to choose it and want it with all of your heart and being....

I won't hold anyone accountable for their evil acts if they truly and sincerely choose to take responsibility for themselves and seek as passionately for a way to make amends as they did to do their power-seeking deeds. 

As in my favorite parable, The Little Soul and the Sun, given to us by Neale Donald Walsh:

"Thank you for playing the villain roles for me so I could experience the concept of foregiveness. I know the sacrifice it took to forget the light and goodness that you are in order for you to play those awful parts for me....I KNOW the love you have for me that made you volunteer to do it. You have my utmost gratitude....

You asked me to help you remember who you are after I had my realization about forgiveness....well, here I am, my love....

That wasn't the real you....and now that you know that, your special brand of shining light can reveal potential resolutions and solutions to your world that you didn't see back in those days of your own villainous roles. You don't have to say a word--just relax and open your heart to seeing the true you--a gift always, in all your ways....

And....it's all okay. We're all alright....

Be the inspiration that you are, right here, right now....I'll start it off by giving you a great big bear hug....

It's all going to work out....

The Road to Enlightenment, Job, and the Prodigal Son

"On the road to enlightenment, I lost it all."

I don't think I've ever heard a more scary set of words. It had me wondering what next thing or being I held dear was going to be jerked away from me, whether by my own soul or by events outside of myself that I can't seem to change, no matter how open or relaxed I am throughout most of my day. No matter how much I allow myself to just be the imperfect human that I am without trying to change anything. No matter how I know, deep-down, that we're really all okay.

I am observing my identity as Penny, and her old connections to everyone and everything, literally crumbling away. While part of me understands and celebrates that that is exactly what should be happening, the other part--the weary and wary human vessel who's lost so much already along this path--is still feeling a bit scared of the next shoe dropping. It's been a long and hellish haul, interspersed with little bits of heaven and a whole lot of hope. And reminders to myself to return to myself and remember that it's all working out, that we're all okay, no matter what happens in this human realm of experiences galore.

Two stories in the Christian bible have deeply resonated with me throughout this self-realization journey: The Old Testament story of Job, and the New Testament parable delivered by Jesus/Yeshua--The Prodigal Son. They are both stories about a beloved son of "God"/The Eternal One who lost it all on their own paths to enlightenment. And their losing it all stories have been horror stories to me--but I've been hanging onto the outcomes of both for dear life! Everything they'd lost was restored to them in the end. I also recognized the greater appreciation they must have felt for everything because they'd experienced the loss of something that they probably took for granted as always being there.

This morning, as I'm downing the last of my cappuccino, it struck me that I've been viewing these stories from the perspective of a human life and all that we lose as we grow from infant to however old we are when we cross over to the other side of the veil. I haven't been grasping that the truest and greatest loss of all of any being is to lose sight of one's own divinity--your own soul, that "I am that I am" self. 

To forget who you really are and believe that all you are is a singular Little Human with a "this is who and how I am and what I do" identity. Talk about being locked in a prison and having the key thrown away lifetime after lifetime of incarnating as an experiencer for your soul. We are all here experiencing out of love for our souls, and for each other.

Every single human is already a Job--we lost remembrance of who we were the moment we were born. Same as the prodigal son. The human incarnation is the road to enlightenment or self-realization. Or to put it more simply, it's the road to wisdom and the understanding of how our own individual field of energies serves us--a singular pinpoint of awareness--that part within each of us that realizes "I exist." And it happens by us forgetting who we really are and thinking we're just these little human beings trying to survive in a daunting and often cruel world of loss after loss after loss.

What am I getting at here? It's a pretty subtle shift in perspective, so subtle that I'm still feeling into it as I'm writing this down. What it means for me, though, is that I no longer have to worry about the next shoe dropping on me to squash me and my hopes and dreams to smithereens. It seems to be dissolving that niggling fear away: I don't have to be afraid of losing anymore. I'm not on that journey to enlightenment anymore. I arrived a very long time ago....

On my road to enlightenment, I did lose it all--the moment I was born and began forgetting who I truly am....

And now I am in the restoration phase....I'm not losing anymore....

I am re-membering....

I am finally done anticipating the next drop of that mean old shoe....

P.S. I am fully aware that my perspectives on life and death could easily turn out to be a bunch of blarney and BS....and....I'm totally okay with that, because by looking deeper and seeing the best in myself and everyone and everything else (regardless of the act being played out in front of me)--I more freely, peacefully, gratefully and abundantly live right here, right now....

Thank you All for helping me decorate my soul....

The Key to Using the "I never did anything wrong" Tool

 One short thought here:

None of us ever truly did anything wrong, even though we humans have done such evil atrocities to each other throughout the ages. They were all temporary experiences done by a lost and terrified, trying-to-survive Human costume who had no idea of his own creatorship or sovereignty. It didn't even perceive its own soul.

Our human aspect was the Experiencer for our soul's understanding of itself. It sacrificed itself over and over, sometimes doing things that cannot, nor should be, justified.

"So, if all the bad things I did can't be justified and excused away how can you say I never did anything wrong?"

From the Eternal soul's broad standpoint, it was all just experience created by brave and loving angels pretending to be Little Humans, and playing out different scenarios and roles together. Death is not real. Energy stealing is not real. 

Admit and Release

While you can mentally begin to grasp this concept, on the other hand, within the emotional and physical level of your being, you are still feeling guilty and ashamed. 

And no amount of trying to tell yourself otherwise will get you out of that loop of FEELING of wrongdoing until you admit TO YOURSELF that you did something wrong. 

That is the key: Admit to yourself that you did something wrong.

That opens the door for your own Wisdom and Soul to come in and help you release permanently all that pain and guilt and anguish you carry around.

Admit your feelings of guilt and sadness and shame over your own perceived wrongdoings...and that will truly set you free.

That, my beloved brothers and sisters, is what happened with me all those years ago as I was washing dishes and asking the god within me why I was having such difficulty with judging others when I was trying so hard not to. My soul's wisdom came forth and told me it loved me always and in all my ways.

"Well, what about this time? I really am so ashamed of myself. I wish I could have a do-over so I would never have made the choice to do it in the first place."

"Penny, I loved you even then. Tell me more of the things you feel guilty about."

"This one is when I REALLY screwed up. I just want to curl up and die. God! How could I have done this?"

"Yes--even then I still loved you. I love you, Penny--always. In all your ways. Unconditionally accept and let yourself love you as I do first, and then everyone and everything else in your world is easy to love. All judgment disappears."

And with that conversation with my own soul within, my world began to fall apart and begin anew...all because I had the courage to go within and to quit running away from myself and some truly hard truths. 

Open up your own conversation with your own god within, allow yourself to admit to being the imperfect human that you are, and set yourself free...