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Recognizing and Releasing an Ancient Villain/Victim Energy Pattern
I am a lover of stories, but sometimes I love the characters in them so much that I haven't seen clearly the consciousness I'm radiating out that is keeping me and all of them in an old story--and often, for me, a painful, stuck-feeling, tug-o'-war of the heart strings-relationship story. It's very hard to get, much less maintain clarity and balance when tied in so closely. But real, true love lets go.... I know this for myself as fact....
This past month I've been finding it helpful to see all the stories I've created as just patterns of energy--my own energies--arranging themselves for me so I can have an experience. The experiences and my identity in them aren't who I really am--it's all just a pattern founded in love for me and my soul--my I am! divinity.
It's this seeing everything as a pattern of energy that finally cleared up a life-long conundrum for myself.
This blog, while really obscure anyway, is probably least read by the loved ones closest to me.... and, while I admit that that hurts, I can also understand it. While the sadness loops around through my mind and feelings every now and again, I just shrug it off--kind of--and keep on writing stuff.
I've been in the midst of releasing all kinds of energy patterns--sometimes it feels like it's been a process of revelation and release my entire life, and sometimes it feels like it's been only a few months. And sometimes stuff that I've thought I've dealt with long ago rises again to the surface, and it causes me to have an even deeper realisation of perceptions and suppressed hurts I've still been carrying around.
For instance, I have crenellated scar tissue on my cheek that emerged sometime around 2008. It never really hurt, but it was something I occasionally picked at. I had an unsightly boil surface there just in time for school pictures when I was a junior in high school. Later, in my late twenties,a friend's cat, Mr. D ("D" for Devil) jumped up and curled up on my lap, and everything seemed just fine until he suddenly bit me on that spot on my cheek. I hadn't done anything to hurt him, but I was taken aback at the attack, and felt bad that it had happened for both my friend and her cat, as well as myself. So I didn't make it a big deal--in retrospect, I suppressed it and my true feelings around it because I didn't know how else to handle it or flow it through at the time. I didn't allow myself even a miniscule moment of anger.
It was only this morning when the scar caught my husband's concern that a new insight popped into my awareness regarding it. We were discussing this topic of suppressing hurts. A few minutes later I had an Ah-Ha! while looking at it in the mirror, talking kindly and reassuringly to myself. While this blemish was present about as up front and center as you can possibly get, and no matter what I did to address it in this linear timeframe it still wouldn't just fade away, I've had this knowingness that there is a quantum potential where there is absolutely nothing to heal--I am all balanced, flowing and whole. But because it was still in my life, on my cheek for all to see, comment on, and even be repulsed by--it was serving me somehow....
Looking in the mirror, gently stroking my own cheek as I gazed into my eyes, I realized: I've been suppressing my feelings of being hurt, and that damned scar on my cheek was letting me know I was still doing just that. I couldn't ignore it or avoid it or even cover it in ointments and makeup--that didn't make it all okay and erase the pattern. The feelings were there, all bottled up and not listened to. Therefore, not released and neutralized.
I've been suppressing my anger when someone treats me unkindly--in a manner in which I would never allow myself to treat them. After all this time of knowing better than to do that, my cheek was reminding me, "Pen, you're still letting people 'unknowingly' wound you. Let the anger and hurt you feel be honestly felt and then expressed to that person when you're ready to address the matter on your terms. When you're clear about what you want to say. You don't have to blow up and verbally attack them in the heat of the moment. You don't have to blame them, nor worry whether you'll offend them or not in their beliefs. Just allow yourself to speak your truth. You can find a moment to have your say and clear the air, release the wound. I know you--and I KNOW how much you love and celebrate us all, in all our ways...."
To give myself credit, it's probably been in the last six months I've really started practicing this whole idea of letting myself speak my truth instead of worrying about offending someone else who frankly isn't aware enough of themselves in the moment of abuse to even realize they might be hurting me. I don't harbor grudges, but if someone still is unwilling to admit that they might have done or said something that could have been construed as judgmental and even mean--I don't have to continue a relationship with them. But I can have my say, and tell them that they've hurt me.
It was all just a villainous pattern where I was taking the hits--embodying pain that wasn't mine to carry--just because I didn't know what else to do with it at the time....
Carole King's song, "Tapestry," captured my imagination when I was young, with its linking of patterns with stories:
My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hues,
An everlasting vision of the ever-changing will.
A wonderous woven magic in bits of blue and gold--
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold....
It was only a couple of days ago as I was singing these lyrics to my husband that I realized I had my own connection to the "bits of blue and gold" line. When writing about my last days with my dad in With Love, Dad... I told of a blue and golden moment of my own that I linked to Vincent Van Gogh's works, and also to a painting, "Small Adjustments," by a dear friend of mine, a fine artist, Marsha Lehmann:
"I began to recall many of the works of Vincent Van Gogh--and I had a strong sense that he would have understood my concept of a blue and golden moment. It's a moment so exquisite--so intensely joy-filled and golden--that the thought of its departure in the next breath causes a pang of deep sadness and tears--blueness."
It's such a joy when synchronicities like that happen. It's like a little wink and nod that everything's working out just fine....
Anyway, I've discovered that taking the idea of a story one step further and just seeing it as a pattern of my own energy, which is ONLY in service to me always--regardless of whether I like the experience I'm getting or not--takes the emotional triggering out of the equation. It helps give me enough distance and clarity to disengage with any type of struggle or conflict with what I have manifested. I become a neutral observer. I quit suppressing and trying to ignore and avoid those little hurts that want to keep circling through my mind and heart and just LET MYSELF JUST BE! No monitor or stifler.
And when I began a conversation with my loved one about all these hurts through the years, I acknowledged from the start that I'd had an old and ancient pattern in play that had been running my show. The other person wasn't to blame and neither was I--we were just doing the best we knew how at that time in our lives. I explained that I wasn't trying to keep score of all the things the other person supposedly did wrong to me--they were just acting out a role which someone had to play for me in order to match what I was un-consciously but still creatively radiating out to my field of energies as something I was wanting on some level to experience. My god! It literally cleared the air--we got a brand new start built on a brand new foundation for the friendship and relationship we both hold dear! Sans the baggage of my past....
Energy truly is communication--me, the human, communing this entire time with my soul, though I wasn't aware of doing so through most of it as a human costume on my many sojourns on this planet. Most of what I did in the past was founded in my very limited awareness of who I really was. I was just a Little Human trying to survive one more moment and doing the best I knew how to in that moment. So much of it was based in fear--fear of not surviving, fear of being unworthy of existing, and feeling insignificant to my world--a puppet dangling from some other authoritative entity's string.
That conversation I had with my loved one was scary to contemplate but I'd practiced what I wanted to say for quite a few days beforehand. I was done blaming the other person and myself--we were both acting from family dispositions, old beliefs, ancestral and personal karma, and genetics. I made sure I stated that neither of us had done anything wrong, ever--and I meant it from my heart.
We'd been UNKNOWINGLY operating on a sort of hypnotic, reactive autopilot for navigating this world, and our relationship. Neither of us could see that until we each began to personally and naturally awaken, and open up our perspectives to the more that we each and all are. And it didn't happen at the same time for us. But, even as frustrating as that was, I believe that we'd agreed to do it that way on purpose in order to help us both create a more balanced and graceful, merciful bridge from the old into the new consciousness for both of us. The transition wouldn't be so jarring that we popped out of our bodies before we got done what we came to do.
Sometimes we both felt that we had nothing in common anymore, but that was coming from personal emotional pain--we had a kind of guard erected to prevent the other from getting any closer and hurting us more. Be the first to shove the other away because you're afraid you're going to lose them anyway.
Yet when we both put down our self-preservation armor and let ourselves be totally vulnerable by being completely honest and compassionately self-responsible and saying out loud what we wanted from our relationship--well, I felt a huge shift. At last, we were communicating clearly, each from our own heart.... and magic began to happen....
You know, I considered myself one of the many Shaumbra of Crimson Circle from the first time I discovered them (around 2004) and began to listen and read, and later watch online, their materials on human consciousness evolution, revelation, and revolution. But while I looked forward to the monthly webcasts/shouds, I never once attended in person a live workshop. I would feel myself shatter and scatter apart when in a group. Part of me longed for the companionship and friendship of like-minded people through the years--yet, deep within me, I felt this passion that consciousness--awakening to divine self--eventually happened with everyone who came to have the human experience here on planet Earth. No education, workshop, title, status, or licensed accreditation needed. It was all right here within and I was never alone....
My tapestry's unraveling....
That was what my personal walk was all about. I just HAD to know this for myself: When it's your time to awaken, you do.... And the more you trust and love the answers you listen for and discover within yourself--you communicating with your own soul/divinity--the more the old--and blessed--pattern of your own tapestry comes apart, thread by worn thread, letting in more light.
Hanging on for fear of history repeating itself keeps the old pattern in place....
I've had this fear throughout my life and I can sense it being very dense in mass consciousness. This fear that if I let go of and forget my past mistakes, I'll repeat them and endure the painful consequences all over again...
But lately, I feel on the cusp of a new perspective on that. Continually dragging the pattern forward, having it loop through my mind and emotional body in fear, actually keeps the old, unwanted stories in play. The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome.
The radiated consciousness of trying to not do something over again is actually guarded and limited. It won't allow a new perspective and experience to come in. In fact, it will repeat history over and over again if I keep myself closed down. Like with every type of villainous energy, I have to open up, relax, and allow my truth to expand and evolve in order to get something new based in freedom.
I'm realizing that by allowing all my own past energetic patterns to be cleared, then all the past malevolent power-playing acts are being neutralized and erased from history for me, as well. I don't have to be the prosecutor, judge, juror and executioner of myself or my world characters. The old tapestry--the old illusion playground--is shredding apart into nothingness by me letting go....
I can actually feel within myself that the power and control-playing atrocities of our past can no longer happen in the new awareness of self. I have no desire to feed or steal the energies of someone or something outside of myself. I have no interest in hurting or harming myself or another. Hey, if a mosquito bites me I'm gonna slap it without regret or guilt--I'm not that enlightened yet. Ha! But as for the rest of my worlds--I'm quite benevolent and safe.... I've felt this way for a long time, but it feels like I've moved into a whole other level of it now....
Let it all go--Body, Heart, Mind--and instead, Let Soul....
This identity and my entire old world--it's all coming apart. While I'm tired and bored with my past constructs and often feeling stuck in them, still there was a false sense of security in at least being familiar with the old world stories. At least I knew what I was up against. There was a bit of bracing within me at having to let go of especially my loved ones and the relationships we had going, because I had no previous human experience of this brand new consciousness world. I was going to have to fully trust myself--trust my own soul and its wisdom gained through the ages from the Human Experiencer.
I'm not so afraid of losing anymore....
I can just let it all unravel--naturally, gracefully and mercifully--all on its own. I no longer have a need or desire to try to figure out which threads to pull. I know we're ultimately all okay and that this is truly what I came to be here for in this lifetime.... I've noticed I'm no longer talking to my loved ones who have died. The connection has fallen away, but, happily so, that feels appropriate, okay. Because I sense we're soon going to reconnect in a more free and grand way than I could have ever humanly imagined....
Breathe, Pen....
Allow yourself to freely be....
Open wide....
Relax and Receive--it all comes to you if you let it....
Flow....
and maybe sing, dance, and laugh in celebration a bit more often....
And gradually a new kind of more colorful, quantum thread emerges to take the place of the old. This unperceivable-before thread begins to weave together in a new way, creating a brand new tapestry based on a creator fully aware of who they truly are, with all facets of itself communing and working together as one. Thus manifesting a more flowing and free masterpiece that is YOU experiencing you.... and founded in this amazing human discovery called LOVE....
With my utmost gratitude and love for all that was, is, and shall be....all my tapestries,
The Benevolent Rebel
Related Posts:
Wake Up, Villain! Part 1: I KNOW That's NOT the REAL YOU....
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