The Compassionate Lighthouse: A True Friend, Indeed

I love lighthouses because they don't meddle in others' lives. They simply stand firmly inside themselves upon a rock-hard foundation of their own unique creation, and they polish and shine out their brightest light in the moment at hand. They are the epitome of true compassion and friendship--of true mercy and grace.

When darkness of storm rages, with winds and waves of change tossing everything in the sea of life chaotically and frighteningly about, the lighthouse doesn't rush out into the sea to save ships--some who maybe don't even want to be saved or rescued. The lighthouse, as a true friend, realizes that maybe those ships would rather be reminded that they are the captains of their own life with their own unique path. All the friendly lighthouse does is stand quietly upon its own one-of-a-kind, safe and sacred shore; and it provides illumination in the darkness, revealing myriad potential paths of safety or treachery, fun or not-so-fun, ease or difficulty--not perceivable before. It's up to the captain to choose her/his own path of experience.

The lighthouse honors that FELLOW SOVEREIGN'S choice, no matter what, because the lighthouse knows deep within herself that ultimately everything works out okay. That, in her own experience, she was unaware of her own strength and grandness and gift of being until she journeyed through her own storms, her own way, using the lights of other houses of her choosing (or not) to sail her narrow, one-boat-wide path.

I'd rather have someone choose to be my friend simply because they liked interacting with me--not because I saved them and they feel indebted to me, or because I commiserated with them and felt sorry for them. Nor would I care to be some one's obligatory friend because they pitied me and felt superior from the deal. I'd rather walk away from a friendly interaction eyes smiling, and feeling uplifted and happy with myself--with them feeling the same about themselves. To me, that is pure friendship.

A few years ago, Adamus (see crimsoncircle.com) encouraged us to make the choice to lovingly and quietly disconnect for a time from our families in order to become aware of what we were bringing to the party antics that we call "family." By separating out for a bit, it would be easier to clearly see, and to let go of, our old relationship roles, patterns, stories and identities that no longer served us. We could choose to re-connect with them once again afterward, but we would do so more consciously aware of what we wanted from our interactions with each other.

What I realized in doing this exercise was astonishing for me--you see, I actually LIKED, LOVED and ADMIRED my family members before doing this. (To keep this simple, I'm speaking here about my parents and my brothers and sisters). But afterward--I FREELY like, love and admire them even more! And that is a huge FEELING difference.

I saw more clearly what I was unconsciously radiating out (or, more often than not, holding in and hiding) in my interactions with each individual. I saw the belief systems from which I was operating and co-creating my experiences with them. Many times it was the same old situation, just a different day. I realized how tightly I'd been holding myself in with them--for fear of their rejection of me! I had actually erected the strongest ego-protective barriers when around my family than with anyone, anywhere else.

The driving desire and passion under all of that is that I simply wanted them to like being with the authentic me as a true and pure friend. I didn't want them interacting with me out of obligation because we were biologically related--and holiday traditions or traumas/dramas dictated that we get together because that's what families do. I didn't want my family members coming to visit me because they thought it was the "right" thing to do--I wanted them to come because she/he liked her/him-self with me. And I'm actually okay now if people don't come to visit--I no longer take it as a personal slight. Compassion and love does let go--in their purest form, you have no expectations to fulfill.

Adamus's little exercise helped me let go of all those old perceived betrayals that my mind kept wanting to revisit just because it kept me occupied by feeling like a victim, which resulted in me sucking off the energy of anyone who happened to be in my vicinity at the time. Commiseration is kind of seductive, but it's not really that fun when one's done playing it out, and I never found a solution over any actual stumbling block by engaging in it.

Thirty years ago, I gave a high school graduation speech that I embarrassingly bawled my way through, not realizing at the time that I was a bit more sensitive to the emotional pain all around me--so much so that it all felt like it was my own. I would struggle for decades before I became aware that most (about 97%) of what I was feeling wasn't my own stuff. I was feeling into, empathing, the mass consciousness of humanity. I was stepping into other people's shoes and wearing them for periods of time, and playing with their belief systems and the stories created from them like they were my own. I then tried to figure out how to fix things for that person--make them happy so they'd like me.  Those kinds of friendships sucked the big one. The more I slaved over trying to be in service to someone else, the more taken for granted and ultimately, guiltily resentful, I felt about the whole situation.

I've realized I no longer care to feel all that empathy. To take on the pain and burdens of others and carry it around like it was my own in order to more closely analyze it to death, followed by trying to mentally figure out how to handle it for them. That was exhausting. I choose in its place to be a compassionate lighthouse: I'll self-fully radiate the brightest light I can muster, all the while, unconditionally accepting myself and everyone else in the moment at hand. 

As Adamus reminded me, "If it's in your life, you put it there--and only you can un-create it." No one can do anything to me or force me into something unless I've first radiated out into the universe that I want to play that particular game. On some level, in all the situations I've felt stuck in (or felt like I was being used or taken for granted), I've liked what I had going...and so it continued TO BE SO.

So I'm constantly going through my days now, taking moments to close my eyes, take a conscious breath, and feeling into what I'm radiating out into the world--am I open and smiling? Or am I braced for the worst?

In the speech, I quoted a song by the Beach Boys entitled, The Winds of Change. The line that resonated with me was, "There's a part of me that would like to be a shining lighthouse for all to see--and when the dark night hides the sun, shine a light for everyone to see."

True to form for me in my amazing, unintentional ability to hear lyrics incorrectly--thanks to recent access to the song via YouTube--I realized I misquoted the lyrics in my speech. It was 1982, we listened to music on cassettes, and we didn't have access to the lyrics unless they were printed on the album covers (no such thing as the Internet). I said instead, "In my life's dream, I'd like to be a shining lighthouse for all to see..." Hey! It worked, too! Ha!

As Adamus pointed out, it's not about shining a light for the world or anyone else. First, no one else really needs it--everyone has their own unique light, and a person can just end up stirring pots of trouble and ticking people off trying to be a flashlight for someone who is SO not interested in your beam. For me, it was simply about taking the lampshade off my head and quitting my hiding of my true heart, and self, from the world around me. It was about letting myself FREELY EXPRESS. For me, part of that has been done by writing this blog.

My point of all of this is:

The winds of change are definitely blowing, flowing and swirling around our doors. It's pretty stormy all over the world, whether it's a political or relationship fracas, a war, a storm, an earthquake, etc. It's an opportunity for each person to discover themselves and their unique expressions of light in all these storms that shake us awake out of our life-numbing hypnoses.

These dark tunnel experiences make us first become aware of, and then question, the belief systems/suggestions we've blindly made our truths in the past. In blindly living out "this is the way life is and this is how you live it" we never realized we could choose and live something else--possibly something MORE. These potentials for change are something to be embraced and celebrated.

As for the paths one picks to sail--well, they don't have to be difficult and traumatic. Maybe that's the experience you want--that's fine. But if you want it easy and gracefully smooth--just choose that, and understand you don't have to mentally figure out how to make it so. Just choose it and breathe, dropping off all the protective armor, lowering all the guarding walls surrounding the you within...literally.

Just open up and flow, flow, flow...quit thinking, judging, analyzing. Close your eyes, and allow GRATITUDE for everything instead.

Remember: the imperfect Little Human you is simply one COSTUME of many for your Divinity to experience itself. We're all just acting out fictional stories together.

Treat yourself with unconditional acceptance and gratitude for being ALL your ways.

I've breathed myself through many a trauma and storm, and hugged and encouraged myself like no one outside of me could. I encourage everyone to embrace and discover who you really are--there is no such thing as an ordinary lighthouse.

I have the opportunity to shine my light into my world, highlighting and choosing possibilities of life lived more joyfully and abundantly and PEACEFULLY than I ever imagined before.

I'm thinking my life's dream is coming true for me...in my own simple way...

With love, my friends and fellow lighthouses...

Your friend,
Beamer

Hey There, GUILT--We're Done!

If you've read any of my earlier posts, you know that I've struggled long and hard with feelings of guilt. My beloved Adamus Saint Germain (via crimsoncircle.com, the Nov., 2012 Shoud) shared with us last month the key to finally letting all those stories of guilt go--completely this time. It's been an amazing month of releasing myself from old prisons I'd put myself in.

Adamus made the shocking, seemingly outrageous statement about Self-Forgiveness:

"Self-forgiveness is as simple as saying, 'That wasn't me! May have looked like me, sounded like me...That wasn't me!'"

I actually immediately discovered that this resonated with me. I've realized for a long time that the things I did in the past that I've wished I hadn't done--well, I did them blindly out of fear and desperation. I was in survival mode. And the more I've embraced enlightenment in me (it's been as simple as saying, "Yes! I AM ENLIGHTENED!"), the more I realize I'm not interested in harming or controlling anyone. The more truly compassionate and appreciative I've become of all of life.

Years ago I came across this analogy of two pictures that helped me put all the conspiracy theories I indulged in to permanent rest:

The first picture is a close-up of a horrendously, evil-looking man. He's not fair in his actions--he fights dirty, without honor. He actually appears crazy. 

The second picture is a broader view of the first so you can see that the man is backed into a corner. It's dark, but behind him you can see his wife and his children--all that he holds dear, all that he's trying to protect. Suddenly that evil maniac doesn't appear evil at all. It was all just a matter of perspective.

Truly enlightened, sovereign beings have no fight in them, nor do they desire having power over, or responsibility for, another. If anything, I've discovered the desire in me to empower each individual in themselves--but, sovereign that I recognize them to be--they don't have to choose that either.

After reading the story of Saul-turned-Paul in the New Testament, I wondered for years how Paul managed to get over the guilt he had to have been feeling over killing all those Christians prior to his enlightenment on the road to Damascus. Adamus's above statement on self-forgiveness now makes a whole lot of sense. That wasn't Paul who killed those Christians. A name denotes a nature--a way of being--and Paul wasn't anything like the Saul who did those murderous acts. Saul was an alone-feeling man trapped in the darkness, caught up in his traditions. He was afraid for his own survival and those he loved--similar to the man in the picture analogy. It's WHY he changed his name--his entire nature had changed!

This also puts into perspective why I had such difficulty ever calling Yeshua/Jesus my savior. You see, I was guilty of murder if I believed I was the one responsible for nailing him up on that cross. I had enough feelings of guilt to deal with in other areas of my life without piling on murder. While, in my past, I used to be so terrified of some people I had judged as being evil that I felt the only way life would be better is if they just died, I didn't have it in me to kill them. Not this time around.

As far as taking responsibility for those things in my past that I regret--I choose to do so with self-compassion--which is simply unconditional self-acceptance/self-love. First of all, that wasn't the true me that did those things. That was an all-alone, unworthy-feeling, desperately scared, human--trying to perfect and protect herself, always hitting brick walls of self-judgment and self-condemnation. I wasn't self-aware. I wasn't awake yet. I was entangled in a web I'd created but had no idea how I did it--or how to un-create it. But, that evil-looking person of yesterday struggled long and hard to bring the true me forth as I AM right this moment.

And while I realize that that evil-appearing me wasn't me at all, I'm forever grateful to her...so grateful that I'm unwilling to carry around feelings of guilt about her actions. I choose to let her go. I choose to let go of feeling guiltily responsible for her actions. For me, the responsible thing to do is to simply say, "That wasn't me! That wasn't me! How I love her, but that wasn't me! And I'm honoring her by building a new life founded instead on love, compassion and joy in being--in place of the guilt and misery. 

I AM here, and I AM happier that I've ever been before...Thanks so much for the simple reminder, Adamus.

Let's Loose the Shackles--Guilt, Shame and Misery

I could easily entitle this story The Johns and Me, but that would probably draw more spam than I care to deal with.

On the many walks I used to take around the lakes and along the Minnehaha Parkway in Minneapolis, I was approached by three individuals, on separate occasions, named John--and, no, I've never done the prostitution thing in this particular lifetime. But, still, I find myself grinning at the funny synchronicity of their names along with my own: John and Penny L. There is a character named John Peniel that caught my attention years ago, and the meaning of his name is "The Beloved Face of God." I guess it's probably one of those inside jokes I pretty much can only share with myself.

While it appeared these men were seeking a safe space with me, they actually turned out to be teachers for me--making me more fully aware of myself and the inner issues most humans deal with--guilt and shame, and the misery that accompanies them. So this post is in honor of these men--thank you for gracing my life, My Beloved Johns--and well done!

The first one saw me walking and said I appeared to be deep in prayer as I walked (I was actually just working through my own stuff, discovering a few answers for myself with each step). He asked if he could just talk with me a bit--he was feeling lost, and said that it was easier to talk more freely to a stranger than someone he knew. He approached me in a setting where there were people all around, my neck hairs didn't rise, so we sat and talked. He'd divorced recently and the business he ran was tied to his in-laws--not an easy situation. That was pretty much it--he just needed to have someone listen as he worked things out his own way, but by saying it out loud. I would run across him in my walks a few times over the span of a handful of years, and I think of him as my friend.

The last time he shared with me that he was struggling with feelings of guilt--he said he was raised Catholic, and that the guilt thing seemed to come with the territory. The funny thing is, that I've read that line in so many books and heard it from so many other people (many of them, Catholic) over the years, that I do wonder at the connection. As you can see from my many posts throughout, Catholics aren't the only ones--I struggled with that one, too. I remember telling him, that, for me, it was all about learning to practice love of oneself. In the years we visited, I went from having parents to losing them both, and I was going deeper and deeper into my own awakening. John seemed to see me when I'd made a personal breakthrough in some area--and that helped me by giving me someone to express these ah-ha!s out loud to, as well. We'd catch up a bit on profound things and then go our separate ways.

I was again walking alone along the creek (though surrounded by a few people) when John #2 looked into my eyes and saw someone he felt safe with, too. He asked if he could talk with me, so we sat on a picnic bench and visited until the sun began to get low enough that it turned cool, and, gentleman that he was, he loaned me his long-sleeved shirt as covering. He had served time for armed robbery and murder, and had been currently released and was staying with a Christian couple. He had been using alcohol as a coping tool, and they were trying to help him stay sober. He was in a moral dilemma at the time--didn't tell me anything specific, but was trying to figure out what was the right way to go. All that came to me to share with him at that time was to first go to the mirror, look himself in the eyes, and apologize to himself for being so hard on himself. 

I looked into the mirror one day, prior to talking with John, and realized how much I'd been mentally beating upon myself--I had been merciless and relentless in the degradation of myself until that day. I gazed into the tear-filled eyes of a simple human who had been trying so hard to please me! I hardly ever gave myself the benefit of the doubt--though I was almost always willing to do that with anyone else outside of me.

I had seen John #3 many times in walks around the lake, and he'd never acknowledged me. The day he did approach, I knew that he was going to the moment we met that time--we were going opposite directions. I had just had an insight into my own childhood experience highlighting the sexual energy virus in consciousness (see my earlier post, Overcoming the Victimhood Addiction), and I knew someone with that struggle was going to approach me.

I think of him as John/Amy. He was a woman in a man's body, living with his macho brothers, trying to keep his feminine side secret from them, while trying to steal away moments to dress as the beautiful woman--aka, Amy--he so desired to be. His rage and anger at everything male emanated in waves off him--and empath that I was, I managed to feel that suppressed energy like it was my own. It was awful. He was so crazed with his secret that he was putting himself in situations that were dangerous to himself and others.

He wanted me to see him dressed as a girl, so I met him in a park right across from some homes. He was so caught up in showing me his feminine undies and slip, that he dropped his skirt in front of me, out there in the open (thankfully, he had tights on, but still). I told him that behavior like that was going to have concerned parents in the neighborhood calling the police. He was a literal magnet for awful experiences--all of his own unconscious creation.

With me, he was harmless--I was just a safe space--but he knew where I lived and would come knocking at my door every now and then, asking me to keep an eye out for clothes for him. The last time he knocked, I was ready with a letter I'd written for him. He was so caught up in himself and his sad and pitiful story when we'd talk, that he'd never actually listen to me whenever I did manage to slip in a few words. I was done trying to figure out how to handle his issues and his rage (along with all the "stupid men" jokes) and I was done with his visits to my door. I told him that as long as he was unwilling to embrace his masculine aspect (along with his feminine), it didn't matter what parts he got cut off, he was still going to be miserable. And that was how I ended our interactions.

Kryon stated in a channel this past year that when we switch genders, it takes three lifetimes to make that shift on all the levels of consciousness--thus the confusion manifested by those like John/Amy. Once again, it comes back to the creation of a SAFE and SACRED SPACE of unconditional acceptance of everyone in our lives. John/Amy, in the throes of trying to hide and not hide herself, was more of a danger while trying to keep a secret than he was if he would have felt accepted simply for being as he was.

I still remember his rage that I felt as if it was my own--it took me going to my safe brother and a favorite hill out on our farm in ND to feel safe enough to get it out. Solitude is truly golden in its healing.

There is a running theme through all these stories: Simply go to the mirror, and from now on, gaze into the eyes of the human who has tried so hard to be accepted and appreciated. Acknowledge the guilt and the shame that you feel surfacing: "Ah-Ha!--I see you!"--I bid you good riddance. 

We all do crazy things when we feel so lost in our stories and identities. And remember that your life is a gift--to you, to the Eternal One, to All--no matter how it manifests.

Basically, I recommend everyone quit hauling that guilt and shame B.S. around like it's some religious, self-sacrificing cross to bear. Frankly--I was no fun to be around when that yammering, self-condemning voice was running the show. In the past, I hypnotically played the part of the energy/life sucker in many scenarios--BUT IN TRUTH, THAT WASN'T THE REAL ME. And the more self-aware and self-loving I've become in place of the blind self-loathing and condemnation, the more unconditionally accepting, fun and easier I am with everyone.

Drop the protective ego armor and the weapons. When I open my heart and mind to life--life opens up for me, and all those old battles fall away...it's just a matter of LIKING MYSELF and choosing the easy path for a change. We don't have to prove a thing to anyone.

Once again, none of us REALLY does anything wrong on this safe, Eternal One-given stage where we play things out together and grow in wisdom every step of the way. It's truly time to take the pressure off ourselves and breathe that freedom in (close our eyes and actually FEEL IT within)--to let ourselves dance, letting our lives out of the box of old expectations, by releasing at last, the guilt, the shame and all that misery and suffering that accompanies them. 

How many wonder-filled experiences have you had when guilt was the foundation they were created upon?