This morning I reread an old channel from 2006 on being a standard:
Crimson Circle 2006 Clarity Series Midsummer New Energy Conference: Adamus Channel (This is a link to the text version, but Audio is also available. Just click on the Clarity Series 2005-2006 in the Crimson Circle website and you'll find it).
Sixteen years ago, I probably listened twice to the above audio channel and then read through the text version also. Things felt very new, even though they resonated, and the profundity or depth of the material easily overwhelmed my mind. I remember staying fully awake through the first listening, but the second time around I would invariably fall asleep. My brother, Steve, experienced the same thing. It wasn't a hypnosis either. It was an awakening to who I really am, to who we all really are.
There is one section that stood out for me:
"You were persecuted for your beliefs. You were persecuted for what you were trying to do at the time. Because of your experience with the Orders, the Orders that you loved so deeply, great pain was brought to you. And it wasn’t just the blood, it was the emotional pain.
The emotional pain for many of you of being asked to leave the order. The remembrance of what it was like to step before the council on Earth at that time and be asked to leave. The feeling of rejection, the feeling of being put out from a group who you loved so dearly, who you committed yourself to so dearly, who you fought for, who you defended.
But I ask you to take this moment to remember and to feel the energy of that moment when you were asked to leave, and why you were asked to leave. And although it has caused difficulties and hardship for you ever since, there was a reason, my dear loved ones.
You had grown so much in your own right. You had become so enlightened and experienced in your own way that the Order itself was no longer appropriate for you. You were asked to leave to go out and discover things for yourself now, to go out and collect and to learn and to grow on your own so that we could come back together again at this moment, in this day of convergence, with all you have picked up along the way, with your wisdom and your love, with the lessons you have learned about yourself and about humanity, and bring them back to this spot.
You have been out harvesting Life, learning Life. You were the teacher who went out to become a new student so that you could return again once more as a new Teacher. And that is why we asked you to leave. It was an honor, although it may not have appeared that way at the time. It was a blessing to you and to All That Is."
While I fully grasp the necessity in being made to leave those I loved so dearly--you really cannot be a full-fledged sovereign when you're so deeply enmeshed with a group. You can't discern your own voice from those you feel so connected to. Going alone for awhile is what sovereignty is about. You have to cultivate a loving and balanced relationship with oneself, the core, if you want to manifest it in your world.
But to be kicked out, to be rejected, ejected out there without a soft place to land? That hurt on a level more painful than physical abuse or torture. I should know. I've been trying throughout this entire lifetime to not feel that awful piercing, breath-sucking pain of being outcast by those I loved and admired and respected. Yet it was happening time and time again, no matter how much I loved and even protected them, saw the best in them even when they let me down. It hit me right in the gut and in the heart--and it shackled me.
You see, I've always been on the outside looking in. Whether it be my biological or married family, spiritual family like Crimson Circle, my class, my school, my friends, my partners, my community, any causes I felt drawn to. I may feel a part of them all for a bit, but eventually I saw what was happening again and again and again. I was always playing the part of supporting actress. No one seemed to truly understand me, or care to.
I know that sounds like a poor pitiful me story....and....I know I created it. I take full responsibility for manifesting it and perceiving it the way I did. But the fear of the pain of rejection was so great that I've had iron-clad armor on this entire time. It was my way of coping. I was trying to protect myself--and that unconscious radiation of a barrier bubble attracted to me a load of experiences of being rejected, unseen, unimportant. Betrayed even, let down, shamed into feeling bad about myself.
I am the queen of rejection....and.... I am sovereign of my domain.
I have written about having made the connection with another lifetime of my soul, one where I referred to myself as "The Dark Lady." She was the one who basically said, "To hell with it all!" and she dove into evil like never before. I've known that she's been a wounded aspect that influenced my lifetime as Penny by me carrying a huge bag of guilt and shame that didn't really fit anything I've done this time around. I have the scars to prove it. But today my understanding went deeper. I'm finally grasping that she distorted her light into such horrific actions because of the life-altering pain of rejection by those with whom she connected so deeply with in matters of Light and Love--of Consciousness. I can actually feel this awareness tingling within me as I write.
Last weekend I was anticipating a special channel Adamus St-Germain was doing with Shaumbra on Tuesday in honor of Two's Day, 2-22-22. Out of the blue, I started experiencing back pain that has stayed with me all the way through to this morning, 8 days later. Nothing relieved it, not even walking, or rather, trying to walk. On Tuesday I made the connection to the pain being related to the old power games raging to the surface due to the huge power vortex that has Russia and the Ukraine at war, as well as a lot of other saber-rattling, as Adamus put it, going on around the world. Even here in the US of America and in Canada. In our personal lives, too. There's a huge anger to it that fuels it.
For me, I knew that I put the painful symptom in my back here, and that it was an old power struggle coming out from my own soul's experience. I was getting some benefit from the pain, but I couldn't seem to release it even though I'm done with suffering and self-sacrifice nonsense. I'm shaking my head now because the core personal truth of the moment I've been operating from has been hitting me square between the eyes, for all my life, experience after experience after experience. My master self has been yelling at me, "Penny! You're trying not to feel rejected!!! You had a life expression that felt it so deeply she reacted in knee-jerk anger and victimhood that resulted in having your soul even wonder where that evil out-lash came from. You're afraid of not being able to survive the PAIN of REJECTION! Or at least, not survive it gracefully without horrendous consequences."
Hell, I've been rejected far more often than anything else it seems....and....I'm still here....and I'm no longer a crazed, cornered-feeling bitch either (I have to grin). Regardless, I appreciate me--all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly--and the part that can see it all as the big picture. The canvas of contrasts that is the duality that gave my soul this Earthly human experience that helped me learn how my own field of energy serves me.
The armor against rejection is off. I cried a bit as I let myself feel all that pain of being left out. I had to take off my big-girl panties for a moment in order to do it, to feel into the core of me, to honestly see things as they were. I replayed a lot of scenes through my mind--and I didn't have to dig deep. They were all right at hand, as they have been all along. I just didn't know how to address them until I knew. That's the way sovereignty works. You can hear things, even repeat things that really resonate with you, but you don't realize them for yourself until it's the perfect time for you.
FYI: My back is feeling better and more flexible than it has all week. I felt it loosen as I cried in the mirror, and it's improved more and more as I wrote this out.
It's all okay. No matter what. We're all okay....and....I know this for myself. Not because somebody else told me so....
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