"I must have done something absolutely wrong to deserve this..."
I have a sense, based in my own experience, that most humans who get diagnosed with an awful illness or who suffer some sort of traumatic and painful loss in their lives believe deep-down in their gut that they did something wrong and that some god out there is punishing them for it through their current situation. And often if it's a diagnosis that seems to have no cure currently available, then one's own physicians have a tendency to reflect back an idea that "this is a permanent thing and you're just going to have to get realistic about it."
I beg to whole-heartedly differ. There is no way out of that jail cell if you perceive your life with that perspective. You may as well save yourself a whole lot of suffering and just lay down and die right there.
"If it's in my life, I put it there, and I'm getting some benefit from it being there...and...I am the only one who can un-create it."
What is this experience's service to me? Why would I do this to myself? What do I believe I did wrong to deserve this? What is my greater good in allowing myself to go through this temporary experience? Scary questions to ask oneself...and...hugely empowering and a game-changer if you dare to be so bold.
"I didn't do anything wrong--ever--not really."
Now, the human part of you is going to have trouble with this one--I did, many times over--so you're going to have to practice over and over again allowing this to be viewed from your Soul's perspective. Step off the human stage for a moment and close your eyes and take a few good deep-down breaths and feel into this:
Imagine yourself in the audience, with a clearer and broader view of the entire scenario than that performing actor has in his little spot in the play. Imagine that everything in your life has been your soul playing Let's Pretend I'm a Little Human.
"I exist!! I am THAT, I am! ...and...I am that, too...and that..."
The Soul/Your Divine Self delights in you, its human actor--The experiencer--because it's through the human self that a single pinpoint of consciousness awareness gets to understand who it is and to experience all its creations. The human experiences are then distilled into wisdom--a compassionate wisdom--by the Master self and that is gifted back to the Soul.
Everything--all of this thing called life is just an act of consciousness.
You are a gift to your Soul. Period. It doesn't judge you. You judge you, my beloved human, and that's what is attracting these limitations--diseases and traumas--to your life. I am hoping that by presenting you with a perspective that unburdens you of any guilt and shame that you, too, will go beyond all the suffering and into a new lease on, and appreciation of, your own life.
"Why do bad things happen to good people?"
Guilt isn't the only reason we humans put ourselves through trauma and disease. Sometimes our own souls put ourselves through challenging experiences in order to shake us awake out of the human mental dream stream in order to realize that we're something more and far grander than the Little Human being that we thought we were.
For example, I had my first boyfriend die in a motorcycle accident. Yes, I did--I put it there. I know it shifted my entire outlook on life. Yes, I felt guilty for nearly three decades believing I had done something wrong to deserve losing him--that I'd taken him for granted. I felt as though some god out there grabbed me by the back of the neck and shoved my face into the gravel, grinding the stones into my flesh--all because I wasn't doing something right or good enough. I feelingly believed I was this sinning little human who needed discipline and guidance from someone other than myself. And the more I blamed and fell out of trust with my inner self, the further I got away from the real me, the worse my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual experiences.
I created a whole lot of pain and suffering for myself. Some of it was my soul shaking me awake, and some of it was so I could relate to other divine souls who'd been lost in their human identities and stories of suffering, too.
As awful as all that was, it also drove me deeper within myself. I became more aware of myself, and I started asking questions that I'd never thought to ask before.
One of the greatest gifts I've ever given myself came from that dark night of the soul experience of losing someone so dear to me. I made a clear and conscious choice to make sure that everyone dear to me in my life knew, without any doubt, that I loved them, regardless of whether I agreed or disagreed with them in our last moments in one another's company.
I also found myself in such a state of self-doubt and distrust in my ability to make sound decisions that, well, it brought on a whole new slew of issues and experiences surrounding self-limitation, self-monitoring, self-control. I was afraid to ask for anything I truly wanted for fear of it being selfish and wrong--and oofta!--what a tangled web I wove from there on. I gave the responsibility for living my own life to "others" outside of me.
This entire blog is pretty much my realization of how I got what I got in life when I was coming from a very limited perception of who I was, and how I was completely unaware of making choices that manifested as difficulties...until I just NATURALLY woke up in those last weeks with my dad as he crossed over to the other side of the veil.
All the human stuff--relationships, finances, education, work, business, politics, even religion--I discovered none of it really mattered to me when it was all said and done. All that mattered was the LOVE and the GRATITUDE I felt for everyone who touched my life, regardless of whether it was in a dark or a light way. I began to slowly, but surely, take my own freedom and sovereignty over my own life back.
It took time. It took unrelenting self-forgiveness for everything I believed I had done wrong which ultimately transformed into the compassionate gratitude of my soul for ALL the parts and roles I played, and that everyone--the energies all around and within me in service specifically to me--played and pretended to be for me.
Four days ago, as the idea of writing this post was first fomenting in my heart and thoughts, I let my kitties outside to enjoy the sunshine throughout the day. I act as their doorman--letting them in and out as they wish, occasionally going outside to see that they are staying put, and playing with them a bit. We have a good-sized back yard that's fenced in, but there are holes that critters can slip through and under in some places, and most of our neighbors have dogs.
A couple weeks ago, I had let Gracie out, and was just going out the back door to check on her when I decided to go out the front door instead to mail a letter first. Imagine my surprise when I opened the door to see her looking in at me from the front steps! She plays with a squirrel and she's been hanging out along the base of the fence line, poking her nose into the neighbor's yard. Evidently, she poked her entire body through that day and found herself out front. And that's a big treat for a cat who isn't usually allowed to roam about up there...and of course, she did it again even though I thought I'd plugged up the holes.
This past Tuesday was a particularly lovely and sunny day in January, so I was encouraging my cats to get outside and get the most from it. I was just about to lock up the back garage door for the day, when Tiff decided she wanted out once more, so I let her out, and Gracie followed suit. I had a twinge of hesitation at letting Gracie out again, but shook it off. A few minutes later, Tiff came in, but there was no sign of Gracie yet.
After a few checks and calls from the door to see if she was ready to come in, I finally took a tour around the yard, looking in her favorite hidey holes, all to discover there was no Gracie to be found anywhere in our back yard. I peeked over and through fences and I called and called--but no sign of my Gift of Gracie--only the neighbors' dogs. Suddenly there seemed like an awful lot of dogs--all of whom I love, too. They just weren't my Gracie, and I wasn't sure how an interaction between them and her would turn out. You know how easily fear of the worst scenarios can slip into your mind when change from the routine happens.
I finally quit searching, turned on the Lighthouse lights, and kept myself open for her to come home to me.
It wasn't until my husband returned home later than usual from work and three and a half hours of combing the neighborhood calling for her as it grew darker and colder that we finally quit searching and turned all the outdoor lights on. Neither of us was hungry, but I started putting some supper together just to keep myself occupied, and I checked the back door for the umpteenth time to finally see our beloved cat reaching up to the handle of the back screen door, wanting in.
Now, I know other people let their cats come and go all the time without worry or thought, but we've tried to keep our cats in our own yards out of respect for our neighbors and for our own peace of mind. And these cats are as dear to us as human children would be--to lose them is to lose a true family member.
All the while Gracie was gone, I was aware of choosing to not berate or blame myself for having let her out. I wasn't even angry with her--different from how I'd been previously through the years of having cats. I kept reminding myself to not get all upset and jump to the worst possible outcomes, even though it felt like we had a lot of dogs out in the neighborhood. Our Molly cat had been viciously mauled by a stray dog right in front of me several years ago. I kept feeling into and telling myself to stay open (instead of defensive), and to let my friendly energies serve me with ease and grace and joy in being.
Something my husband said made me state out loud, "I put this here for a reason. It's in my life. I put it here. Why would I do that?" And that realization shifted something in me and kept me open to what felt like a miracle at her safe return.
A couple years ago, Adamus Saint-Germain (crimsoncircle.com) had encouraged us to come up with a personal word or gesture to remind us to keep our field of energy open as a practice throughout the day. He said that by doing so, even something that felt like an attack would disperse and neutralize before it hit us.
He also said that with an awakened unlimited conscious awareness that we couldn't make "wrong" choices--that even those would right themselves. That was one of the concepts I realized when I still let Gracie go outside and disregarded that intuitive hesitation to keep her in. It felt pretty uncertain and scary for a bit, but it did right itself.
I really didn't do anything wrong, and neither did Gracie...we had an experience together...and it turned out to be an enlightening and freeing experience for me.
I have a feeling I put that entire experience in my life so I would include it in this post. I'm certain of it. People can encourage and tell me all kinds of valuable life-easing tidbits--but I'm more likely to take them in and actually utilize them for myself when I hear or read it applied in a story.
Stop saying "My fill in the blank with a disease."
I feel myself inwardly cringe anytime I hear someone claim an illness as their own. For instance, calling something "my breast cancer." It has a feeling of permanence to the statement when you claim it as something you own. But close your eyes and feel into it for yourself. State it two different ways.
"This is my chosen treatment for 'my cancer.'"
"This is my chosen treatment for my experience of cancer."--experiences can be temporary, a sensual exploration of what it can be like to be limited in a certain way.
It's all in what we radiate out into our worlds--our perspective.
Relaxed openness, or limitation and defensiveness. Is your universe full of friendly energies in service to you, or do you have to fight to survive and get what you need? Is it you against your world? Are there no miracles in your world, or is everything in your world a miracle?
I think all of us came here at this time to put much-needed Lights of Love and Clarity in dark places where humans feel so stuck, to bring about different outcomes than those of the past...
Much love, my dear friends. Your conditions don't have to be permanent or even what you die from. You didn't do anything wrong to deserve any type of punishment from a god or anyone else--you've just been asleep in the Little Human dream, doing the best you knew how.
Maybe you even gave up at times and gave others the dark acts they seemed to expect from you--but that wasn't the real you. Use that insight gained from all the darkness experienced for the wise compassion you can now extend out to others in your world. That evil act or two was just a knee-jerk I'm just a Little Insignificant Human reaction. You are well-placed to shine a light of inspiration into your world on that subject.
There is such creative goodness and light in you--just open yourself up to the idea it's there, and you won't be disappointed.