True Love: Admitting "I don't care" while Facing the Guilt Monster

Love lets go...

True, unconditional love releases completely--it doesn't hold on, not even a tiny bit.

True love is TOTALLY TRUSTING yourself, and TOTALLY TRUSTING everyone and everything other than oneself. The guarded walls encasing oneself COMPLETELY disappear--there is no protective armor or energy field, no offensive or defensive strategies. FEELING GRATITUDE drops all barriers and allows one to receive and flow with ease and grace.

The master BREATHES and walks with her/his energies open and flowing in harmony with everything that is. The master KNOWS WITHOUT A DOUBT that she/he is NEVER a VICTIM, not really--and that there's nothing to have to figure out how to guard oneself against. The master KNOWS she/he has never done anything wrong.

There have been so many instances when someone has been sick, has died, or was having relationship issues, of all kinds, where I've KNOWN that, honestly, I didn't really care what someone else was going through--but I was too afraid to admit it out loud, for fear of others thinking I was a cold-hearted bitch.

And succumbing to that fear kept me from experiencing disease, death, and relationships falling apart, any other way but the same old ways, over and over and over again. The cast of characters changed, but the stories' outcomes pretty much stayed the same.

So, here I am facing the huge guilt monster, and finally admitting what's really going on in my heart and thoughts--I don't care! I don't care about you. I don't care what happens!...because I KNOW ultimately All is well in all of Creation....I KNOW you are, we all are, OKAY!

Because, I recognize, and honor, my sovereignty and your sovereignty. I realize you're having an experience--one that you are choosing, on some level in you, to have. And I respect that. I have complete agenda-free, hands-off compassion for you, no matter how sucky and traumatic the experience may be. That means I don't feel sorry for you, not really. I don't care what happens with you, because I KNOW you're okay and you'll still exist even if you should seemingly die. I KNOW you are the master of your own life. "If it's in your life, you're liking it on some level because you put it there--and the ONLY ONE who can FREELY CHOOSE to remove or change it IS YOU!"

Years ago, when I was somewhere around grade school age, I clearly remember an argument between my grandpa and my dad in our living room. They were arguing about financial issues with our farm--my home. I remember Grandpa saying these words, "Dean, I don't care about you."

From that moment on, unbeknownst to me, my energies rushed in to guard and protect my dad, the victim. From then on, I experienced my dad ALWAYS being the victim in his relationship with my grandpa--and that colored my own personal relationship with my grandpa, who treated me with utmost kindness, though I kept him at arms length. No one was going to get away with not caring about my dad, and not experience some painful consequences, dammit!

Their fighting and inability to get along with one another nearly tore me to pieces--and it got perpetuated in my dad and mom's relationship with Dad's siblings, my beloved aunts and uncles. And that shredded me up even more--poor victim Penny. Who's side should I pick?

But you don't care about me and my experiences, do you? Not really. And that's perfectly okay with me--because unconditional love lets go and has no expectations. And it's my life, after all--not yours.

Even when I recognized, and tried to control and handle the victimhood energies in myself--I couldn't seem to get my dad, someone I loved, and idolized, to take responsibility for playing his own victimhood roles. Ultimately, I realized that that was an agenda of my own, too. I finally realized that underneath all those agendas we humans play with, LOVE WITHOUT EXPECTATION is still ALWAYS there, no matter what. And I set us both free by accepting us in all our ways, especially for those grating human imperfections.

I've discovered that if I don't trust myself and others fully, then I'm radiating out, or emoting, that I am a victim. And the unconditionally-loving Universe energies rush into to match and support me, by manifesting someone, or something, to victimize me.

This is why it's important to be AWARE of myself: "Am I BREATHING CONSCIOUSLY, and am I FEELING AT EASE in, and with myself?"

Victimhood is just an acting role...one that even I can play...

I've had a whole lot of experience at playing the victim part--more than my Little All-alone Human aspect likes to examine very closely. I'm not a lover of the energy feeding that goes hand-in-hand with victimhood, as you can see reading my posts--and I've honestly been judging that as a "wrong way to be." Thus, I've been prolifically manifesting and re-cycling victimhood dramas, much to my consternation--with me being the central victimized character in all of them. Plus I've been surrounded by everyone outside of me in my world playing out victim/victimizer roles. What a tangled webby fricken mess! Ha!

"You should care about the victims of..." Pretending to care perpetuates the pretense of victimhood.

Human Beliefs about the things we're supposed to really care about--that really matter--are LOADED with INCONSISTENCIES completely at odds with one another.

And that is creating an emotional tug-of-war game within each and every one of us. That, then, results in us manifesting chaotically-inconsistent experiences because of those all-over-the-map, offensive, and defensive FEELINGS radiating out from our central core of being.

Those beliefs are merely suggestions--not necessarily truths,UNLESS, you make them your truth.

It's deeply ingrained in all of us, through example and instruction, that a "truly good and loving human cares about certain things 'they-out-there-somewhere' deem important." Only they're full to bursting with inconsistencies and they seem to be fighting for VICTIMHOOD priority over one another.

For example: The Earth--our schools teach us to feel guilty about causing pollution, and then to self-righteously fight it by accusing and blaming and shaming others for their abuse of our beloved planet. We're taught to be responsible earth-bloodsuckers by getting on the recycling bandwagon in a miserable attempt to lessen our "parasitic impact." BUT, at the same time, as kids, we're sent out to sell magazines (paper products made from killing those precious trees), and cookies and junk-food (sugar is bad for health and makes us fat and lazy) that tastes crappy, in tins (made in some third world country) that eventually fill the ever-more-over-flowing landfills with even more unnecessary garbage (which we should be ashamed of, dammit). There is also the conflicting belief that you "poor little kids" need to sell stuff (a marketing ploy for some hokey business), and make money in order to have a well-rounded education. Never mind, that those of us with homes and property in those areas are already paying, through taxation, to educate our community's children.

I recently said no to a boy scout and his mother because of being tired of pretending I liked the rancid measly amount of popcorn in an ugly tin that we've bought from them for the last several years. I didn't complain to them about the quality of the last stuff because I honestly don't remember the face of the scouts who sold it to us in the past. I felt kind of icky telling them (he was a really cute and friendly little boy) I wasn't interested, though he and his mom handled it respectfully and considerately. But I have been making myself pretend to being okay with being a victim of this silly type of dramatic ploy for SO MANY DAMN YEARS. So I risked them not coming to my door ever again to hound me to buy a piece of junk--what did I have to lose?

And you know what? I realize, after writing all of this out, that I don't care about all those victimy stories I just blabbed about up above, and throughout this blog of mine. They don't matter! None of it matters. I don't care! And I certainly don't care whether anyone else does either. 

In fact, I hope what happens to, and with me, doesn't matter to you--because that means you truly love me, and you're honoring my sovereignty and freedom. And that, my friend, is a grand no-strings-attached gift.

I don't care...because I KNOW all is well in all of Creation. Maybe I don't fully trust myself yet, at times, but I'm getting there with every AWARE of MYSELF moment. And all this stuff that I'm experiencing and that I'm ASSUMING is about my ENLIGHTENMENT, well, it is about my realization of myself. I'm okay no matter what. I still exist, and I do fully trust that, even when feeling like a sucky little victim.

Bringing Down the Walls

I've had a multitude of protective walls that I BUILT around myself--many of them stemming from childhood. The only way I've managed to lower them is by first becoming aware that they're there. You have to be aware of your point of presence--what and where your thoughts are and what you're feeling--radiating out as your truth--in the moment at hand.

The Corpse

We've had enough bitter cold windy weather that I found myself feeling a bit stir-crazy--I haven't been walking much outdoors, and that's one of my favorite ways of flowing energies. So, the past few days, I put on my yoga pants and did a few stretches--and managed to experience an ah-Ha! this morning.

You should know--I've never taken a yoga class or even watched a video. And I certainly wouldn't want anyone videoing me as I go through whatever positions come to mind. You'd definitely have a good laugh, and I guess I'd be just fine with that. In some ways, I'm pretty flexible, and in others, definitely not just yet. I had an alternative-medicine book that had yoga positions printed in the back, so I played with trying them out,  and I liked how it increased my awareness of my body while breathing consciously and gently stretching various muscle groups. I feel taller and more master-y when I'm done.

As I was going through the yoga positions this morning, I had an inner debate about whether or not I should bother with "The Corpse." After all, you don't do anything except lie there on the floor like you're dead--you lie flat on your back with your feet a shoulder's width apart, hands palms-up about 6 six inches from your body on either side, and let your body melt into the floor. You're dead.

If you've read any of my other posts in the past, you'll note that I've only ever mentioned using one yoga pose ever before--the Corpse! I used it to do a body scan--to get in touch with some emotional wounds from my past. In fact, I've probably gotten more benefit from the Corpse than any other position. All because I don't have to do anything! 

Being a corpse ALLOWED me to let go of my human to-do list for a few breaths.

Being a corpse ALLOWED me to DROP my protective WALLS!

When you're dead, it's too late to worry about all those human stories and issues. There's nothing you can do anymore. You're done. None of it matters anymore...SO DOWN COME THE WALLS!

And you just FLOW....

Adamus Saint-Germain (of crimsoncircle.com) has often said that death is easier than birth. That when we die, it's a release from having to perform in such a dense and limited physical body. It's FREEING! These bodies are an amazing gift in experience, but we all know how difficult it's been to be so closed in, in such a blind consciousness where we've believed for so long that all we are is an itty-bitty all-alone human in a tough and scary world. It hasn't been easy being human--and we've gotten quite experienced at putting up walls and toughening up in order to stay embodied here.

But now, my consciousness has gotten clearer--I've awakened to who I really am--and the old walls have turned into barriers, which are stopping the energy flow, thus keeping me from manifesting the more abundant life I know I'm capable of creating. I know the energy potentials are there, but I also know now, that I've been unconsciously preventing them from coming in fully, due to the protective armor I put on in order to navigate the old world consciousness 3-D reality of my past.

Crimsoncircle.com offered a Cloud Class (an on-demand online video) called Dreamwalk into Childhood Magic. The Crimson Circle website offers all their monthly shouds/channels (in the forms of video, audio and text) for free in the channel library. They also offer workshops and Cloud classes, like the one above, around the world, that they charge for--they've been using this to fund their work and to maintain so much free material on their website. I felt strongly drawn to doing this particular dreamwalk into childhood--I've had a lot of recurring dreams, I had an imaginary friend, I felt quite connected to nature, and I was afraid of entities in the dark. You know, the stuff we adults have a tendency to just dismiss as kids having wild imaginations.

The dreamwalk surprised me, because it helped me become aware of all kinds of protective walls and guards that I created back then in order to not be so sensitive--so vulnerable. I just lately have remembered making the conscious choice in grade school to toughen up and not allow myself to cry so much or allow others to see how much I could feel hurt. I functioned, but I was in hiding. I also remember consciously thinking that I didn't want to grow up--because I knew it would be difficult. I wasn't one of those girls anxious to purchase my first bra and go out on dates. I liked boys just fine--but only as friends to play with.

I identified--became aware of--some of my old protective barriers, which basically inhibit the natural flow of energies serving me. 

Due to a mental fight within me of trying to control them, I wasn't allowing their natural flow, and that held them in place in my reality--as manifested issues:

When TV went digital, neither my husband nor I were interested in paying for cable or satellite so we quit watching TV. It was feeling too noisy for me in so many different ways.

I was tired of watching mostly commercials selling prescription drugs and products that pointed out my flaws.

The news was focused on judgmental, sensational gossip and politics.

Sports and all that competition-comparison/reality TV stuff didn't inspire me to laugh or let loose. Nor did courtroom TV or shows like Top Cop. I'm not interested in drama queens or kings and their "issues." Friendly competition is fine for those who enjoy it--and I can throw myself into the role of teasingly pretending to be a sore loser, but I generally don't care if I win or lose. I'd rather play the sport or game than watch it--no matter how clutzy or how much of a non-strategist I may be. We used to play volleyball down on the farm, and it was always fun to see how long we could keep it going back and forth--and to watch my brother's antics of flinging himself to the ground in order to do just that. I remember letting loose and laughing a lot, but I don't remember who won any of those games.

I like mysteries, but then the focus was becoming more on grisly forensics and the most heinous crimes and perversities humans could commit.

I think music should be sung and danced with joyous abandon--not necessarily for judgment by the Simon Cowells or dance experts of the world. I found myself actually feeling more inhibited when watching the singing, musical and dance competitions that seem to have overtaken primetime TV. I frustratingly found my own voice closing up--I was afraid to even try to sing, for fear of sounding awful.

I do enjoy watching people who dance well--and it inspires me to dance--because it looks so graceful, expressive and fun. But I have the most fun when dancing myself. Here again--I can see the merits of friendly competition--because it does encourage us to go beyond our limits, but it feels like we should encourage everyone to enjoy the arts--not just the few we've dubbed as talented.

I learned in a drawing class that we're all capable of drawing in a manner beautifully and uniquely our own. I watched in delighted amazement as classmates, who, at the start, said they could draw nothing but stick figures, turned out the most amazing art portfolios for our final class. It helped to be reminded that we ALL can draw, and to be given a few pointers on perspective and how to draw what one sees, instead of what one thinks--instead of focusing on FEELINGLY believing that only other, more gifted people "out there" are capable of creating great art. Great art, in all forms, comes from those who've set themselves FREE to EXPRESS.

I enjoy sitcoms like The Big Bang Theory because their antics make me laugh, and I enjoy their celebration of the quirkiness of being a human being. I think it would be fun to act in them myself--and to bring that concept to local community theatres where all ages can participate.

Watching others whom I admire, very generous people like Oprah and Ellen, started backfiring on me. I kept walking away feeling down on myself--like I wasn't doing enough, being enough. I was comparing myself to them, so instead of feeling uplifted and excited about being here in human form as the gift I know I am--each of us--is, I felt like crap, unworthy. I felt myself pressuring me to perform--but instead of becoming a more perfect, all-serving human, I was feeling more stuck, resentful and unheard, unnoticed. I felt like a loser. How are those for walls?

I finally realized that I'm serving all others the best when I FIRST have love and compassion and gratitude for myself. It's like that airplane crash scenario, where you put your own oxygen mask on first--instead of going the self-sacrifice and martyrdom route--so that you are alive then, to help another get their supply of oxygen. Dead hands can't hold oxygen masks for others.

When you're watching TV sometime, close your eyes for a moment and feel into how you're feeling, what your thoughts are, what parts about yourself you're trying to avoid thinking about, how you're trying to monitor and control your very being. Can you feel that struggle going on inside of you? Can you feel the pressure you're putting on yourself to perform perfectly? Can you feel and hear the voices in your head yammering at you to BE something, DO something? Can you feel yourself trying to referee the fight between two polar-opposite ideas--to energetically struggle within to find that "happy-medium" so you can feel a release, a bit of ease in being here in a human body with a human identity?

I've often felt this struggle to balance--HOLD--energies when someone I loved was viciously gossiping about another person. I didn't like hearing those things about anyone, and yet I could empathetically feel my beloved gossiper's own lack of self-worth. I didn't want to hurt anyone any further, so I stayed quiet. But inside of myself I was energetically putting up protective walls around the subject of the gossip, while wrapping my arms around the one gossiping in an attempt to unconditionally accept them, yet mentally chastising them, "That's no way to be." I was searching once again for that happy medium--trying to mentally figure it all out--and that was one painful, heavy juggling act.

I found the key was to let it all go, to let them be in their unique, sovereign, and chosen human experience--to take a deep breath and drop my juggling act. Nobody needed me to juggle anything. I finally remembered KNOWING that everyone was okay and I didn't have to protect anyone--not even me.

When I was a kid, a certain lady would come to spend a night with us, and she was so caught up in having a perfect immaculate house that we dreaded her visits. Mom would have us go through the house scrubbing and cleaning with a vengeance, on the look-out for cobwebs--but no matter how much we cleaned, the woman managed to find something that would bring out our cleanliness insecurities. I remember her running her finger across the seat of the Lowery organ bench before she sat down on it--the bench I'd just dusted with Pledge--ha!

Needless to say, I didn't necessarily believe that cleanliness was next to godliness. In my own home, I wanted people to feel comfortable and welcomed. I didn't want anyone to feel as though they had to tip-toe through my house for fear of leaving me a mess to clean up afterwards. But I also enjoy having a relatively clean home--that is easily maintained without a lot of efforting on anyone's part. I'm getting tired of the routine of trying to keep it all fresh and spotless. My attention span for cleaning has gotten a lot shorter. I seem to be tired of the old stories about how much work it takes to maintain a home. I'd rather not even discuss home projects with others. I love spontaneous visits from friends. They often seem to stop by though, without fail, when I'm at my messiest and most disgusting.

I've recently noted that while I enjoy having my husband's company in the kitchen and that I enjoy when he cooks or bakes for us--we do things differently. We've got quirks, and because I use the kitchen the most, and I don't like sticky greasy surfaces, I've gotten a bit territorial about it--and I try to keep it free of dirty dishes and sloppy floors. I wash and wipe-up as I go along. These are not his priorities, and when he cooks, he seems to fling stuff unintentionally. He cleans up his big catastrophic mess after he's all done--even mops and dries the floor--but it wreaks havoc with me anyway because he's simply unaware of some of the little things that drive me crazy. It's better if I just leave the room and go enjoy myself elsewhere, otherwise I catch myself trying to get him to do things my way, and I struggle to keep myself from doing that. My mind is constantly poking a finger at me, telling me "Don't be a hen-pecking nag!" and at the same time it's saying, "Don't be a floor mat!"

The funny thing is, I'm comfortable with allowing other people--even kids--to let loose and create in my kitchen. It's my husband--my closest mirror of myself--that I have the issue with. Go figure.

Can you feel the struggle? How much is enough, or too much--either way? I haven't mentally figured out a balance--and I most likely never will with that approach. Because I'm feeling that emotional conflict inside, that's what I'm radiating out into the Universe--and the energies of the cosmos lovingly and unconditionally rush in to match my inner struggle. I just end up with more struggle, no ease.

My answer has been to wrap my arms around Imperfect Human Penny, tell her I love her, and let myself feel my unconditional love for her. I let myself immerse in the icky, perturbed feelings of being in my messed-up kitchen, and I allowed myself to immerse in the joy of having someone else prepare a meal for us. I don't have to be any certain way--I can be all of it, and it'll find it's own balance in my reality naturally, if I just let go of the struggle to do it myself. I end up laughing at and with myself. I took the pressure off, acknowledged I was aware of the inner fight, and I let myself go--I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE IN ALL OF MY GLORIOUS IMPERFECTION.

I was trying to perform as a perfect human, but in order to play the human experience game, you have to allow yourself to be imperfect. 

In order to be perceived, the LIGHT needs some SHADOW--some DARKNESS.

Years ago, The Group, channelled by Steve and Barbara Rother of espavo.com, pointed out that the most valuable diamonds in the world were the naturally occurring ones--and that their value, color, and identity was dependent on their flaws. Yes, in this day and age, flawless man-made diamonds are available--but they're no where near as valuable as those natural-occurring ones with the occlusions. The Group said that the priceless value and beauty of every single one of us humans is in our unique flaws. They give us each a color and a light expression that no one else has. Every ray of light is important to the beauty of the whole spectrum. I've found that idea both comforting and freeing.

SO, celebrate your flaws!

Go play "Dead" for a few moments: 

Close your eyes, and see how you feel without the protective armor weighing you down...

Can you feel yourself flowing?...

Is that a smile on your face?

Here's an excerpt about my first experiences with the yoga Corpse pose, from an earlier post entitled, Trust Yourself--Your Inner Knowingness:

The day after Gary Zukov's appearance on Oprah, as I was working away in the kitchen, pondering over his words about how we humans try to avoid and deny pain, I accidentally slammed my thumb in one of the drawers. As I instinctively grabbed my thumb with my other hand to squeeze it tightly, I realized that I was just putting off feeling the pain. I told myself to take a breath, relax, remove my hand and just let myself experience the pain—really go in and feel it. So I did, and a funny thing happened. The pain wasn’t anywhere near the tremendous throbbing I had initially anticipated. In fact, it subsided very quickly, while in my mind I tried to focus in on its center of origin and tried to describe it to myself.

That experience led me to another application. I’d been walking around that day with an ache in my lower back. It was one of those general aches that I couldn’t connect with any instance of having done something physically to cause it. But it was there and I felt my energy draining due to its presence.

In keeping with my train of thought of just making the effort to allow myself to experience the pain, I laid down on the floor in the yoga position called the corpse—lying flat on your back with your feet 18 inches apart and your hands 6 inches from your sides, breathing deeply. I then used a breathing exercise to center myself in the moment. I breathed in through my nose, filling my diaphragm, to the count of four. I held it for seven and then breathed out through my mouth to the count of eight. After taking a few deep breaths I turned my attention to feeling my heart beat, then mentally scanned my body for the ache I’d been feeling. I decided to focus on, and follow, the ache to its center and describe and experience it fully. As I did so I reminded myself that I was okay, to take a breath and relax and just let myself feel it.

Suddenly memories and thoughts came to my mind of events which had taken place twenty years prior. I remembered having to move from the farm into town when I was a sophomore in high school. My brother moved onto the place so we left our dogs and cats out there. That farm and those pets were my life at that time, and they eventually died. I realized how angry I’d been at having to move into town and I also realized that when each dog died and each cat disappeared I had never allowed myself to mourn their passing. Here I was, twenty years later, bawling my eyes out, over my loss. I hadn’t even really recognized how angry a person I was in those days until this moment. I had basically used the anger to avoid feeling the pain.

I laid there crying it out, and as the tears flowed I felt the pain in my lower back ebb away to nothingness, leaving behind only the sensation of having had those muscles put through a workout. They didn’t feel overly stretched or strained. It was a pleasant feeling of having done something good for my body.
Wow! These bodies are amazing!

Grudge or Gratitude?

"Giving thanks for ALL parts played--whether right, or seeming wrong..."

I was literally driving down the highway when the inspiration and feelings for the lyrics and melody of the following song came to me. It was all about going beyond just forgiveness, to actually FEELING SINCERE GRATITUDE for the hard parts in my life--and for the many beings who played the tough "betrayer" roles that I had scripted for someone to act out for me. All of it done just so I could see myself a little more clearly. My personal clarity made those old roles obsolete, thus the actors were released from their old character parts. I set them free to be with me in a new, more uplifting manner for all of us--if we both chose to do so. Sometimes, we just freely go our separate ways.

Holding grudges did not sit well with me, though I have experienced having my share of them. In family or relationship squabbles, I had a difficult time choosing sides--because I often loved both parties. When it came to conspiracies or fighting someone that I believed as being wrong and bad, revenge or killing them didn't feel appropriate either--I wanted justice for all in the form of a loving and compassionate and forgiving resolution. I wanted the evil stories to no longer exist. I believed we could all change for the better, and that we could make amends that were real, and mutually fulfilling, for any harm we ever caused when our blindfolds were on.

From the very beginning of my awakening, I knew that the keys were to JUDGE NO MORE, to UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE (kindly accept) MYSELF and EVERYONE ELSE, and to FEEL GRATITUDE for EVERYTHING. By choosing to perceive everything as a GIFT to ME, I've had the sense that everything would then work itself out from there on.

Because I finally see myself with so much more clarity, I no longer need someone to act out the dark parts of the aspects of myself that I was once unwilling to acknowledge, much less, unconditionally accept. In this new conscious awareness, that has become an obsolete tool.

As the author of my own personal world, I chose to quit writing those old stories. I see the GIFT that they were to me in helping me remember, to UNVEIL, my true self, my I am--the part of me that I had FORGOTTEN for so many ages. After blessing my past with gratitude, I'm now ready to write some brand new material--to create a brand new world reality for myself from the place of KNOWING WITHIN who I am, while benevolently honoring the sovereignty of all others, as well.

I stepped out of my old and singular human character identity and sat in the audience, so I could see it all from a greater and grander, divine perspective--from the perspective of all that I am. I found I could then actually enjoy these amazing temporary stories being played out by all of us together, for ourselves, and in service to each other, on this Earthly stage. I can smile as I watch these divine humans throw themselves into acting out their many parts, enjoying their moment on the stage of life, even when some don't appear, on the surface, to be enjoying it.

And all those things I once felt pressed to try to figure out, to fix, to control--well, I realized it's all okay, and that there is nothing to fix with this gift. I can easily allow, now, all of us our freedom.

The transformation is incredible to both observe, and to experience--truly this is a time to celebrate all that we are.

All of this transpired because I CHOSE--and kept choosing--to replace all my old grudges with GRATITUDE...

These Are My Footsteps

I was driving down the highway,
Thinking through my past,
When suddenly, it came to me,
As clear as crystal glass!
I have thanked you for the good times,
It's time to thank you for the bad.
All the parts we play, you see--
Show me who I am!

Chorus:
These are my footsteps,
My battles--
A contrast, every one--
To the Light which I see within me
Dawning as the sun!
The love that I sought was in me,
Buried 'neath the film.
From the sorrows of a blinded heart
To the joys
Of opened eyes!

Thank you to the doctors
Who could not cure my ills.
All you seemed to see was the "sin" in me,
Which we tried to fix with pills.
It made me look past my pained condition 
To the perfection that's my Soul.
I never would have seen it,
Much less, believed it--
Had you done anymore than god's will!

Mom and Dad, you know that I have adored you
From the moment I was born.
Imagine my dismay, when I found one day
That to your views I'd not conform!
It made me look deep inside,
And question my pride,
For with this, I must not be wrong!
But what better way to see the strength of my faith--
Than have to "go against" the two of you...

To the lawyers who lost my cases,
All the systems that seemed to fail--
You always seemed to be 
Persecuting me, condemning me to jail!
It made me look at my shameful judgments, 
To the forgiveness of myself.
I finally dropped all my guards,
And hugged myself hard, 
And I loved me through all my travails...

Chorus:
These are my footsteps,
My battles--
A contrast, every one--
To the Light which I see within me
Dawning as the sun!
The love that I sought was in me,
Buried 'neath the film.
From the sorrows of a blinded heart
To the joys
Of opened eyes!

Related Posts:
Good-bye Conspiracy Theories--Especially, Satan
Forgive Yourself: We're All Just Role-Playing Together

Using the Body Pendulum vs. Dieting: Re-Connecting with Your Body with Gratitude & Loving-Kindness

It's the middle of January, and I'm already hearing stories of New Year's resolution dieters being frustrated with their weight-loss goals. So, rather than listen to people beat-up some more on themselves, critiquing and judging themselves--I'll share a little something SIMPLE that will free you from the tape measures, scales and goal-setting. And instead, re-connect you with that GIFT of a BODY you've been so blessed with. That beautiful body of a human BEING that you've become so disconnected from. You're so disconnected from yourself, that you're no longer even present in your bodies (embodiment)--thus the reason for many of the weight and disease issues each human experiences.

Let's get you back into those bodies--with utmost GRATITUDE for you--ALL of You!

...and that will free you from many of those issues you've burdened--literally WEIGHTED--yourself with.

Diets never worked for me. First, they're loaded with rules--and I have a tendency to challenge and break the rules in my own rebellious kind of way. Rules are too limiting and constricting, and the more I try to control and monitor myself--the more the very thing I'm trying to avoid pops into my reality.

My sister and I used to have sugar bets, where we tried to see who could avoid eating sweets for the longest time. It was our way of getting into shape--I seem to remember having made a few New Year's resolutions of my own in the past. The moment the bet started, I found myself "thinking" I was hungry and craving something sweet. I'd graze my way through the cupboards, trying to avoid the sweet stuff, and I'd end up eating way more than I did when I allowed myself the bit of sweetness in life that I so craved. The less I ALLOWED myself to indulge in the sweets, the more focused I became on my hunger and lack of joy in life. I changed nothing about my weight, and I grew less appreciative of myself. I was literally fighting with myself.

I grew up very health and diet conscious. My parents were fairly organic foods conscious--much of our diet was home-grown on the family farm. My sister has a degree in foods and nutrition. I was never much of one for taking a lot of medications or going to the doctor. I've been aware of that KNOWINGNESS within, that nudges and reminds me, that everything I need to live abundantly and healthfully in the world is right here INSIDE of ME. I don't need rituals and rules to follow, nor do I even need food to live--but I can enjoy the sensual gift of it all--this experience in the human body.

I used a tool called the BODY PENDULUM to re-establish a loving and compassionate, and more importantly, an APPRECIATIVE and SELF-AWARE relationship with my body.

The Body Pendulum:

While standing with your feet about a shoulder's width apart, hold the food (or medication or clothing) item in BOTH hands up against your heart.

Close your eyes...take a deep breath...

If you feel your body leaning FORWARD (rocking onto the balls of your feet) into the food item--it means "YES!" Your body is saying, "I will enjoy it, and feel good...at this moment in time."

If you feel your body leaning BACKWARDS (rocking onto the heels of your feet) away from the food item--it means "NO!" Your body is saying, "I don't want that--not AT THIS MOMENT in TIME."

Keep in mind, that NOTHING is PERMANENT. People often get tripped up with food allergies by BELIEVING that the allergy is a permanent issue in their life--and that FEAR feeds the reality manifestation--so they experience being STUCK with a food allergy. Utilize the body pendulum before ingesting anything you might normally be allergic to. If you get a "Yes" on something you usually were allergic to, step back out of the story, and give yourself the time and space to FEEL into whether or not you want to actually try it. You don't have to ingest it at all--especially if you FEEL any FEAR or DOUBT at all.

Be responsible for your own well-being:

Make sure that if you do CHOOSE to try something, try just a tiny, miniscule amount (a homoeopathic approach)--and make sure you have whatever medication you use for an allergic reaction ON HAND. The Kryon.com channelings has some excellent material on why homeopathy works: Click the following links: "The Mysterious Innate" and "Moving Into 2014."

Just remember: A "NO" answer just means "NOT AT THIS NOW MOMENT in time." It's not permanent.

DON'T eat ANYTHING you perceive as poisonous to yourself--just to test yourself--because you'll probably poison or kill yourself. TESTING oneself in such a way is idiotic--and you'll probably just die and have to be born all over again.

The more you play with using the body pendulum, the more you realize that some days it feels good to drink orange juice, for instance, but on other days, when orange juice doesn't really even sound appealing to you--you feel better by not drinking it. All that the Body Pendulum does is put you back in touch--into awareness with yourself in the PRESENT MOMENT at hand.

You'll find yourself eating, and enjoying, all kinds of foods you didn't even like in the past, or that you craved, but felt guilty about indulging in because some SUGGESTED BELIEF or BIASED SCIENTIFIC STUDY said it was "wrong." Over the years, I've observed the egg being believed to be all bad, to just the yolk being bad, to the white being the culprit, to the whole egg being good for you--depending on the latest diet and medical trend. All scientific studies--even the double-blind ones--are biased according to the consciousness of the person/s involved in them. I don't follow the advice of scientific studies anymore. I haven't for a long time.

What is good for one person, doesn't mean it's good for everyone, because we're each a pinpoint of consciousness, each having experiences, and perceptions of those experiences, that are unique to that individual. None of us see or experience things exactly alike. This is why diets and exercise regimens don't work. They may get you to a goal, but so often, we back-slide once the goal is reached, or the diet and routine has limited us so much that even though we look and feel healthy in our bodies, we're not enjoying living our lives--and that opens the door for some other form of DIS-ease to manifest.

I don't even need to use the body pendulum anymore. I just used it as a stepping-stone means to get back in touch with my own body.

I eat WHEN I feel hungry--not according to the three well-rounded meals-a-day schedule I was taught in grade school. I sometimes eat left-overs, if I have them, when I'm alone during the day. Sometimes cheese and crackers are appealing. Yesterday, I fried an egg and made toast. I nibble something here and there during the day, and I usually enjoy at least one evening meal with my husband on days that he works. We have cappuccinos and a snack in the afternoon when he gets home. Eating together, whether at the table or while sitting on the couch, watching a movie--it's a time for the two of us. And, yes, there are days when I'm not in the mood for cooking--and we eat fast food or frozen stuff that people often refer to as junkie, processed stuff. McDonald's French fries are still one of my favorites--and I allow myself to enjoy them when I crave them.

Some days, I crave chocolate--and I give myself chocolate in whatever form FEELS appealing to me in the moment. Sometimes, that means I bake us a decadent chocolate cake or brownies. Sometimes it's a Snickers candy bar or a piece of Dove dark chocolate. I may go a week or more eating a little chocolate every day, and then suddenly, I don't desire it anymore.

I never used to have a potato chip in the house, but now I enjoy kettle-cooked potato chips dipped in sour cream. Not a french onion dip either. I like just plain sour cream--something I had never even tried before this past year. And my husband likes them that way too, now--and, in the past, he wasn't much into using sour cream even on a potato.

I enjoy fruits and vegetables--raw or cooked or baked. I love how they color up a plate. Presentation of the food is as much fun for me now, as the eating. My latest favorite dressing for a fresh salad consisting of Romaine lettuce, sweet pepper, cucumber, carrot, sunflower seed and tortilla strips--is:

 2 Tablespoons of freshly squeezed Lemon or Lime Juice
 2 Tbsp. Sugar
 2 Tbsp. Grapeseed or Olive oil
 Fresh-ground pepper and salt to taste

I like how the salad pretties up the slice of pizza or whatever other food I serve it with. Sometimes, the salad alone is satisfying.

I love potatoes in the form of French fries--it's a comfort food, and brings up fond memories with my dad and my mom. Dad used to order a heaping plate of fries at the restaurant for whomever was at the table to share. Mom used to tell me I had to eat my hamburger first before eating my fries. Back when I was little, eating a meal consisting solely of greasy French fries meant Mom was probably going to have a kid with an upset tummy. To this day, I often become aware of myself quickly eating up my hamburger in order to get to my favorite French fries. My husband still gets a chuckle out of it. It's the one thing I'm faster at eating than he is.

I enjoy meat, too, and crave it at times--but I don't desire it every day.

I don't eat nearly the quantities of any foods that I used to--but I cook with whole milk, cream and butter. I also use grapeseed, olive and vegetable oils. I use whatever TASTES BEST--all without FEELING GUILTY. It all depends NOW on what FEELs appealing to me in the moment I'm creating a meal or a snack.

Even the cooking or baking has become a more sensual and joyful expression and experience. I play with recipes and spices--smelling and imagining potential combinations of textures and flavors and colors.

I can eat anything just to pacify a hunger pain, and not worry about it's effect on me.

I've found that I can even seemingly over-eat, and not feel painful consequences because of it. It's easy to over-indulge during the holidays with friends and family, when eating and enjoying the moment with others--and I've discovered that because I'm ALLOWING MYSELF to enjoy and appreciate all the sensuality of this life in the moment at hand, without radiating out GUILT--but with GRATITUDE instead--my body reacts in kind.

As for exercise--I keep it LIGHT and ENJOYABLE. I walk because I love to walk, whether alone or with company--especially outside in nature. I'm not a power walker--I lollygag and breathe in the moment sometimes, and sometimes I stretch out my stride, relishing the feel of my body in a faster gait. I bought active-wear clothing that is warm in winter and cool in summer--just because it makes my walk more enjoyable and easier. I do a few light yoga positions to BREATHE and STRETCH sometimes, especially at night when I awaken in the wee hours with body aches. It helps get me back into my body, and flows my energies. I also drink 4-6 ounces of water first thing in the morning, and as the last thing before going to sleep at night, because WATER helps FLOW CONSCIOUSNESS and energies, too--whether you drink or bathe in it.

So throw away those weigh scales and stop perusing yourself in the mirror with judgment, or comparing yourself to some other "more beautiful and fit" person "out there" somewhere. I've found that when I got caught up in comparing myself to others I always found someone out there more attractive and more beautiful than myself.

Instead, I take the WEIGHT of PRESSURE off  by actually hugging myself, while FEELING GRATITUDE for all that I've been and experienced, and for all that I am right now. I love my life. I love being here on earth. I love this sensual experience of a human just being...and discovering who I really am...


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With this Body...

Being Self-Aware WITHOUT Judgment, vs. Battling Victimhood

FEELINGS that are ALLOWED--without judgment as to whether they're right or wrong, good or bad, positive or negative--will flow through your consciousness WITHOUT MANIFESTING in your life experience.

After all, we're just ACTING.

Close your mouth and eyes, take a deep-down-into-your-lower rib cage breath (inhale through your nose, exhale out your mouth or nose)--and ALLOW yourself to feel into you...

Note and acknowledge how you FEEL. Acknowledge the THOUGHTS (both Negative and Positive) that keep popping forth. This is a Conscious Breath.

Then breathe again, and feel into yourself again--drop the guards and open up, allow it ALL to simply BE, and allow it to flow through you. This is Unconditional Love and Hands-off Compassion.

Take the few seconds to open, breathe and feel into you. This "allowing, without judgment" will set you free from monitoring yourself. This is Grace in action.

If you remember anything from this posting--I hope it's that first part. The following is just explanation based on my own experiences with the victim archetype energies. Every human has the victim energies in his/her consciousness.

I've spent decades learning how to come to terms with the Victim aspect in me. I've tried to battle it, suppress it, avoid it, ignore it, handle or control it, analyze it to death, fix it...

...and none of that worked.

If you're familiar with any of my blogs, you have probably gleaned that I've struggled most with the Victim energies. I didn't much like dealing with victimhood in others, much less dealing with the victimhood in myself. I've experienced them as being very sucky, draining, energy-feeding experiences.

Because of that DISLIKE--because I JUDGED them as being "wrong"--I kept experiencing feeling like a victim in all of my relationships, near and far (though I tried my damnedest not to feel that way). I kept being surrounded by "poor, pitiful" victim-y people and pets--all kinds of drama. It irritated me to no end.

Those victims outside of me were just mirrored reflections of what I would not accept about myself (that I was actually FEELING like the Victim of all those "Other Victim's" over-reacted dramas). And because of that FOCUSING of my attention--it stopped the energy FLOW, and instead, HELD it in my reality.

Every Christmas of my adulthood has brought out the victim in me--even this year (much to my consternation and frustration). Every year, I tried to get a handle on it ahead of time, and every year, I felt compromised--like a victim--no matter how positive and open I TRIED TO BE. The Judging Monster was still there shaking her head, blaming others, FEELING all victim-y like a drama queen. Because, you see, I judged that as "no way to BE." I judged that as "no way to FEEL." And I was trying to get, and keep, her under control--but, of course, that never worked, not really.

It's just in the last couple of days that I've realized that the reason I still experience playing "that annoying victim" ROLE is because I've been bracing myself for it. I HAVE PROTECTIVE GUARDS UP. I especially become aware of them when I close my eyes to feel into myself. And those guards stop the NATURAL FLOW of the energies, because I've focused my attention, my consciousness, on Victimhood.

When I have emotionally protective armor on with the walls up, I'm radiating out to the Universe that I have something to fight, to guard against--and SO IT IS...the Universal energies, LOVINGLY and IN SERVICE TO ME, align themselves to match my radiation. And wha-la!--I'm wrangling with Victimhood! I'm inundated with relationships with victimizers--and I'm their poor little victim.

If I want to really release myself, I have to drop all the old stories where I felt wounded, along with the armor. I have to let go of keeping score. None of that really matters NOW, UNLESS I make it matter NOW!

I have to just QUIT THINKING ABOUT THE PAST. Hanging onto the old perceived hurts and "injustices" keeps me re-cycling victimhood in my experience.

There's really nothing to think about, figure out, analyze--especially not to judge. It's actually best not to think about it, or dwell on it.

It's just merely BECOMING AWARE that I'm FEELING like a VICTIM--honestly ACKNOWLEDGING that, without JUDGING it, without struggling to control or handle it. 

Just observe myself ACTING--And LAUGH.

View it from the broadest perspective, where I am seeing it from a vantage point of being above the entire Gameboard of actors.

Then taking another breath to drop the guards and open myself to freely flow...and harmonize...while walking through the Game.

Victimhood that is ALLOWED to be felt, without judgment, simply flows through on the gracious breath, without being manifested in my present reality.

After all, we're all just a bunch of CHARACTERS ACTING out parts together. We're just divine, spiritual beings pretending to be limited humans--WHAT A GIFT THAT IS for all of us!

I've KNOWN this stuff for a long time. I've even practiced it. But every now and then, I need a reminder, too. We'll see how this Christmas holiday unfolds...

Lighthouses of Freedom: Every American's Responsibility? How?

In the 1990's, I tried to do what I was told was each and every responsible American's duty to do--I tried to officially document, file, and claim my sovereignty. I tried to free myself from the imprisonment and slavery/serfdom of established systems. And it was a terrifying experience.

I was reading all this material with strange and foreign words--even the word, sovereign, was elusive to my ability to mentally grasp. As far as feeling free--feelings were pretty much scoffed at at that time. We were supposed to act, and react, intellectually and logically, to not be ruled by our "silly" feelings and emotions. I remember one of my husband's bosses telling him to not make "emotional decisions." It made me laugh. How can you NOT make an emotionally-triggered choice when you're totally UNAWARE of what you're feeling in the first place? Most human behaviors and experiences--actions and reactions--are due to emotional triggering.

I was instructed to be patriotic by the ones around me who thought they were freedom fighters. Turns out, we were all just fighting our own personal demons, and not a single one of us understood what true freedom is. Even though we were fighting for it (not with weapons, but with words, in my case), we were also mentally placing limitations on the concept--we didn't trust ourselves, much less any other being out there, with total freedom. We're sure to abuse it down the line somewhere, aren't we? Gotta keep the Satan-monsters in check, right? Trying to control the behavior of those outside of oneself is like herding cats...it isn't going to happen.

I love those words: "With Liberty and Justice for All" 

Is it freedom, or is it a political power-play, to demand someone to pledge allegiance to something they don't really understand--just because someone thinks it's the right thing to do, because that's the way it's always been done? What if I disagree with some of the things elected officials have done in my name? Do I freely honestly proclaim allegiance to that? Is that freedom when, inwardly, I feel myself cringing and putting on the brakes? As a kid, and as an adult--I had no idea what those words of our pledge of allegiance actually meant, because no one ever really discussed the subject of sovereignty and freedom--and yet we're all told that those words matter. Hm. Are you really free if you are programmed, forced, or manipulated using shame, into doing something expected of, and unquestioned by, you?

For the record, I tear up at our national anthem, and I have a deep appreciation for ALL who came before me--ALL OF IT! I love the idea of Self-Sovereignty, of true freedom for ALL--and I choose to explore that in depth.

What I remember most of all from those very chaotic, confusing, and frightening days, is the sense of always feeling like I had a finger slammed in my face, blaming "idiotic-me" for the state of our country and world. Every time I read something, the authors were telling me I should be ashamed of myself for taking my freedom for granted, for giving it away, for allowing all those bad people out there to sucker me into being their slave.

So when I finally gave up, and returned to the system, I bowed my head in shame and disgrace at my failure to claim my sovereignty that way, and in shame that I'd even tried that path to begin with. Most of my peers thought I was crazy to even try to break out of the system. I walked around feeling foolish, like a big zero, for years afterward.

In retrospect--I was too hard on myself. I hadn't given myself credit for having the courage to at least attempt to see outside that old box of a belief system. Especially, when all of my life experience and education, up to that point, had nothing to do with even discussing the topic of true sovereignty and freedom. It wasn't in our human consciousness awareness. All of our education, K-12 and higher, focused on teaching the democratic process, and how to create laws--and that has nothing to do with personal sovereignty, and everything to do with trying to limit and control ourselves and others.

All that education in this "Land of the Free and Home of the Brave," and none of it had any of us contemplating what it meant to live out our own total freedom, while honoring and respecting all others and being together harmoniously. We were taught to idolize those with power and fame, and if we didn't have the brains and the power to lead others, then we should follow those who had it, and whine about all the ways "they" fail us. And bravery--is that a concept reserved only for soldiers? I can think of a huge number of roles that fall into the category of bravery--and some don't include fighting anything, but simply releasing oneself from a belief.

I don't identify with any political parties, and I frankly think this 2-party system is in need of a good cleaning. I've heard of the possibility of a third party emerging from all of this upheaval in 2020. A non-politician like Donald Trump is looking like the catalyst for change that we needed to set ourselves in a new creation direction of electing representatives at all levels who actually serve us in honoring freedom for all, first and foremost.

What's going on with agenda-motivated mainstream news and social media like Facebook censoring and promotion of fighting with our own friends and relatives, and the spyware is insane! It's all sheer distraction from every individual's possible foray of going within--into taking a clearer, responsibly-self-compassionate look (not the personal blame crap I mentioned above) at oneself, and learning to practice trusting oneself with total freedom, while living harmoniously alongside others choosing the same sovereignty, or not.

But frankly, that search-for-power distraction is what every American has been taught to do by the OLD family, education, religious and government systems in place--seek power through making money via businesses, fight to control its distribution, and try to tell anyone external from us how to behave. That's the package being sold as "The American Dream"--but that distorted viewpoint is NOT this American's, my, dream.

I'm tired of being told that I'm taking for granted the freedom all those soldiers are supposedly dying for--for me. Especially when those reprimanding me with that opinion and agenda haven't even considered what true freedom is. They're just passing on mental programming--the blind leading the blind. I'm not asking ANYONE to fight or sacrifice their lives for me--I haven't done so in all these years--and yet, everywhere I look, blind people are telling me to make my truth, a very old belief they haven't felt into themselves. Some politician has used that idea as a popular means to gain people's votes--they tell you what their polls tell them you want to hear.

I heard a lot of people wanting revenge for 9/11--and politicians gave them exactly what they asked for by sending soldiers and National Guardsmen and women (not meant for war on foreign soil) to blow to hell the countries and people of Afghanistan and Iraq, looking for a few terrorists and a dick-tator, and his weapons of mass destruction bullshit. And you got a government watchdog in the process, protecting your safety--and I've never seen anyone more "safe" and free than those being searched like criminals before boarding an airplane. That last part was sarcasm.

I NEVER asked for that, and I don't feel that honors the memory of all those beloved men and women and children who died on 9/11. I NEVER demanded revenge--to me, that wasn't justice served. That was politics and greed and power plays--manipulating the EMOTIONS of the people to get "their" (and I'm not talking ANY conspiracy crap here) agenda accepted. We all have agendas--it helps if you are aware and can acknowledge that you have them. I'm sorry our armed forces were called into action, and that so many suffered so much tragedy, ALL OVER THE WORLD, for ALL THESE YEARS--but none of that was my choice. That was politicians and all the blind sheep who followed their lead--wanting to play power and war games. I guess everyone got exactly what they wanted..."If it's in my life, I put it there."

I'm choosing my own sovereignty--no one else can give it to me--and no one needs to sacrifice anything for me to make that choice. That latter part is an example of a guilt trip--that's the classic tool a manipulative person with an agenda uses to get someone shamed into acting the way they want them to. We've all used it at one time or several others.

Freedom isn't a power game--it's a feeling, and feelings are about as unique and personal as you can get.

In US history classes, we read boring textbooks and memorized dates and battles, but I was never taught to imagine myself in the shoes of those amazing people who brought about the creation of my beloved country, the first of its kind to make an experimental step towards recognizing freedom--sovereignty--for all. I never had a world history class in all my schooling--and in order to appreciate our America--the personal sovereignty/freedom experiment--you really need to have some idea of the life, trials and tribulations, and challenges--the consciousness--of the Old World people prior to its creation.

I learned of the French Revolution--how it felt, on a human level, for both the wealthy aristocracy and the peasants--from Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities. It took me reading that book to realize that their revolution was going on about the same time as our American Revolution--and what a difference there was between the two. I even more deeply felt into, and contemplated, revenge versus true justice because of that work of fiction.

I just recently experienced a glimpse of the Russian people's life experience during Joseph Stalin's reign of terror prior to, and during World War II, through another novel by Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden. I was born in 1964, a baby boomer who grew up during the Cold War era--we were taught that Russians were our enemies with mutual nuclear weapon capabilities, and that Communism was bad, and that people who were thought to be enemies of the state were banned to Siberia.

But not once, were we encouraged to imagine what the daily life was like for the human being living in such a state, much less how Marxism came to be, who the Bolsheviks were, and how they came into power through Lenin. I had no real understanding of what World Wars I or II were even truly about--and I'm not sure the citizenry of the world then even knew that either.

I'm not sure anyone knows why we fight any of the wars. Everyone has different personal reasons and purposes for choosing to play the roles we each play. Wars come about mainly due to emotional manipulation--through guilt trips and propaganda--of the masses willing to UNKNOWINGLY give their personal sovereignty away. You can be in a prison--and still, at the core of the real you, exercise FREE CHOICE. On the basic human level alone, I don't think anyone truly comes out a winner of a war, do we? It feels like a barbaric waste.

The latest war in America doesn't have war in its title even--the health conflict. If you CHOOSE, fellow free-born sovereign, to play and fight in that power game, enjoy your procto-exam. You see, when you give your responsibility for your own life into the hands of another, expecting them to take care of you and make you happy, you're going to get betrayed...I'd bet on that, and I'd win. But it's an experience, and I honor your choice to have it, just don't expect me to commiserate with you, either side.

I've had this old saying come to mind recently--it always made me cringe with distaste: "Get up! The world's on fire--get up and piss on it."

I've realized it revolted me so because, to me, to intentionally urinate on someone or something is to treat them with disrespect.

What I hadn't recognized before, though, is that it's representative of the Old Consciousness world I grew up in--the aggressive, war-like, power-plays of a human mass consciousness OUT of BALANCE toward the masculine end of the spectrum.

I haven't really ever quite fit into the mindset of the old world, and I used to apologize and feel ashamed of that--but I've realized I didn't come to fit in. I came in at that time because the potential was great that I would live to experience, along with others, a huge quantum shift in human consciousness never ever experienced before. A shift that would change the world as we know it, into something new. The Earth will go on without me, and so will other beings of all kinds--they don't need, or want, me to save them. No one really needs anything from me--and that makes it easier to see how we all unconditionally love each other, no matter what trauma/dramas we play out on the surface.

As I recently joked with some facebook friends, writing our names while urinating is quite an exhausting and messy endeavor for us females, but it's how territories get marked. It's about making sure others know you've been there, and made a difference. It's how we're taught to be in the old consciousness. Prove you're worthy of being alive, even though when you're dead and gone long enough, the world will still forget you, no matter how pretty and elegant your casket and headstone are. And your story gets distorted and diluted, if it's even attention-worthy enough for someone to share with others. Few of us make it into the history books, and after what I've seen done to the life story of Jesus/Yeshua, I don't care if I'm famous.

In essence, all that awful statement above is saying is, "Prove that you matter (that you exist) by making your mark on the world, by putting out the fires--the things we are mentally programmed to believe that we should care about, and fix."

And just so you know, I can roll my eyes and laugh at the absurdities and craziness of the individuals who are sleepily choosing to continue playing the old game, by playing politics, religion, family, business and conspiracies--the power game--because I did all of those things, too. I was a crazy, absurd, foolish woman--and I took a lot of things for granted. And none of that really matters. There's nothing to really be ashamed of. Others can play using the guilt trip, but I'm bored with that concept, so, in that respect--you have my respect, and I choose to honor your sovereignty, however you choose to live, and play, it out.

There's one thing I know for sure: I am! I exist! And regardless of the game, whether I live or die here, I will always exist. I am that I am! 

And I don't need to file any silly documents for some belief system, full of inconsistencies, in order to claim my natural inheritance--my freedom and sovereignty. 

All I had to do, was quit "busily" searching, and listen to what has been within me all along...I live it out with every consciously-aware breath...one breath at a time...


P.S. I find it ironic that those who seemed to really hate our current president, Donald Trump, have accused him of being the next Hitler, when, in fact, I haven't seen him taking any freedoms away in all these past 4 years. When I've heard him speak, I have felt a kindred sense of a love of all that is good about our country and freedom and its people. 

Hitler wasn't a one-man operation. Millions didn't die because he single-handedly executed them. He had a major following in the population--an emotionally-triggered mass of people. People who were willing to hand over their own freedom for better education, wages, welfare offered through the Nazi government programs. Feel into those pointing fingers for yourself--are they trying to motivate and limit your freedom by making you afraid? Do they really care about you? How badly do you want to be taken care of? Or are they trying to get you to fight their battles for them and destroy yourself? 

So, throwing all your energies at disliking a select group of people, or disliking one person--whether he/she is a "leader" or not--is that truly the path you FREELY CHOOSE to take? I KNOW we're all MORE than that...

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Christ Consciousness: Rest Assured--No Soul is Truly Lost

Allowing Me in My Enlightenment

When I chose to awaken, I naively thought that it would make me exempt from losing any more loved ones to death. After all, I'd lost a boyfriend, and later, both of my parents. There were several others that died, but these were my closest relationships. After the experience with my dad, I truly thought I understood it all, therefore, no more deaths were needed for me, right? Even when Tobias told us Shaumbra that we were going to experience more losses--relationships ending, jobs ending, and deaths, I trembled inside, but still tried to convince myself that he was talking to all those other people. That it was totally unnecessary for me.

Then in 2010, my beloved Molly cat suffered a second stroke, and died several hours later that day. She had the first stroke about a year or so earlier. When that happened, she was unable to move for about twenty minutes one morning, and I kind of lost it, and told her not to do that to me--that I couldn't withstand losing her. We took her to the vet, though she was back to normal, and he said it was her thyroid, that he could remove it, or put her on medication. Thyroid diseases were the hot topic in mass consciousness at the time--even Oprah was sharing about her thyroid condition. I didn't want to put Molly through surgery--felt it was unnecessary--and no way was I going to force medicine down her throat every day. To me, that wasn't allowing her quality of life. When she was mauled by a dog 12 years earlier, it was a challenge to get her to swallow the medication for that short period. I just wasn't going to do that to her, no matter how much it cost me to lose her. And even then, I was still trying to convince myself that I was exempt from losing her, because I was awake enough. I was a spiritual lightworker, dammit!

I was spiritually bullshitting myself. Trying to mold myself into being how I mentally thought a spiritual self-master should be. Weren't they these people who were wise, gentle, mild, strong, composed all the time? Weren't we beyond having our feelings and emotions triggered? Didn't we have the perfect solution for every situation we faced?

Ahhh! Having all the answers...I've KNOWN deep down that I've always had them for myself, but what I hadn't realized is that my human mind keeps limiting them, diluting them, distorting them in an attempt to make the answer match its VERY LIMITED UNDERSTANDING of the soul's experience while in a human consciousness and form.

In other words, my human expectations of what spiritual enlightenment looked like and how it was, kept me closing down and limiting my experiences. I couldn't perceive and then consciously choose potentials that my limited human mind didn't even know were possibilities. I was trying to force myself to experience death differently than I had in the past, but all I was succeeding in doing was numbing myself down, emotion-wise (by trying to not grieve and cry so much), trying to grapple about and define how I should handle, and comport, myself with the subject of death. Trying to figure out how to over-ride death. My human mind was limiting me all the while it was trying to serve me. I was throwing myself against brick walls, trying to figure it all out--putting so much pressure on myself to perform, to prove to myself and others that I was truly enlightened, and that I had a handle on this death thing.

Two years later, I lost Molly's brother, my beloved Max. In the last few months, he started sleeping under the covers curled next to my husband, and then moving over to my pillow to purr in my ear for the next portion of the night. He was getting us prepared to say good-bye.

He had an episode one night in June. I honestly didn't know what to expect--whether he was going to miraculously get better or die. For three weeks, I struggled with trying to figure out how I was supposed to be as an awakened, enlightened being, while watching him be fully present, lovingly interacting with me one moment, then, the next, not-- he'd stare through me as if I was invisible and wouldn't respond to my voice. It helped a bit more in having heard Adamus say that we often leave our bodies weeks prior to our actual physical deaths, regardless of whether it's an "accident" or an illness--that we don't suffer pain, though our bodies go through the motions and may appear to be in pain. I wasn't beating up on myself as much with Max as I had with Molly by trying to figure out where I went wrong in caring for him. I had compassionately finally realized that I'd done the best I knew how with both--and that it was cruel to dwell on thinking I'd screwed up.

I let him be outside on his own all day, while checking on him now and then--trying to not to hover too much and force my will on him, yet loving him, touching him, and thanking him for our time together. We allowed him to stay out all night when he seemed close to the end, in an effort to let him go off and die in peace, on his own, as pets often do in those last moments. Only to come awake the next morning (not really having slept at all), to rush out to find him, my heart pounding in fear that he died, and breathing in relief to find him alive. This went on and on, with me trying to be what I thought was enlightened through the whole process.

He finally died in my husband's arms on the Fourth of July, 2012. I was outside, trying to just let go and trust that all was truly okay, trying to keep myself open to all kinds of possibilities, but without expectation of the outcome. I did know that he, like Molly, wasn't dying to punish or hurt me. I knew this was all to help me release myself from the beliefs humans have surrounding death, aging, and dying--but that didn't mean it was without heartache and pain in my experience. When Max had taken his last breath, Kel said he just seemed to glow, and that he was so beautiful that he had to bring him out to show me, where I sat in the moonlight, on the bench where Max loved to lay, under the silver maple tree--and he truly was beautiful...but it was still Good-bye...

Some people may be rolling their eyes, thinking, "For God's sake, Penny--all this silly, foolish angst over an animal. That's not like losing a human child, partner, parent, etc. Get over it!"

I've always loved animals, and when I was a kid, our pets were my best friends. They, cats and dogs all together, walked the pastures with me. One dog, Charlie, when he was no longer able to physically walk that distance with me, actually sat up on the hillside watching and waiting for me to return. They sat beside me to watch the sun set. They listened adoringly while I sang to them--Born Free, One Tin Soldier, Billy-Don't Be a Hero, Tapestry...When I was down, they comforted me and did everything they could to make me laugh and lighten up--and they always succeeded, if only for a moment. I actually mattered to them.

According to Tobias (crimsoncircle.com), our pets came into being, an extension of oneself, specifically to support the humans with whom they identify--they were created to remind us humans, who felt so lost and far from Home/Heaven, that we are, in fact, never alone--and that Home is wherever we each are. Heaven is right here, in me, right there, in you...

Tobias said that when our pets die, we should go wherever there were babies (species didn't have to be the same), and the ones we'd lost would be reincarnated--we'd see it in their eyes.

I knew Max and Molly came to be with us specifically--I'd read it in their eyes. Molly, a gold and white tabby, was the first one we saw, and, when Kelly picked her up she lay back in his hand and cuddled under his chin like it was her place to be. Max actually disappeared when my sister went to claim him from the litter. He was the only black and white short-hair, the one she planned to take home, but he was nowhere to be found, so she chose another. When I went looking for the kittens that were left that the mother kept moving around, Max, gazing steadfastly into my eyes, was the lead kitten emerging from their mother's hiding place. He'd been waiting for me.

Kel and I had planned to get just one cat as our first pet together, but we couldn't decide between Max and Molly, so that morning on the drive to Mom and Dad's place to get them, we agreed to take home the first one we saw. The first ones we saw were Max and Molly, sitting side-by-side in a cinder block. We took it as a sign to take them both--and I'm SO GLAD we did!

So, my pets are not just animals--and I am not their master. We're best friends and we're family. Letting go of them was like letting go of myself--because I actually was letting go of a part of me...that's what love does. It lets go of all control over its creations. Love releases them in total (not just a little bit as it suits me) freedom. Love gives life, and sets it free--releases it from all expectation.

And when you're a human stumbling around half-awake and immersed in a human mass consciousness that is very much dead asleep--well, you have no idea how to be enlightened. You want to be able to trust yourself enough to let go of those you so dearly love, but it's hard, it's confusing and frustrating, and it hurts, and it feels and looks like an effing hell of a mess! Deep down, in excruciatingly-fleeting glimpses, you KNOW, without a doubt, that this human experience is more and can be more than what one's experienced and perceived so far--but you've no idea how to bring it all about. So I resorted to spewing spiritual bullshit--mahkyo--in a desperate attempt to convince myself that I was getting somewhere with all of this. Even now, I realize that I had a goal "in mind"--a destination. I didn't "think" I even set goals anymore! I was still searching, whether I wanted to admit to it, or not.

You know the story of how the bridegroom in the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament wandered the streets searching for his bride? He searched and he searched and he searched, wandering the streets outside of himself--only to finally realize she was there with him, within him, all along. The searching outside kept him distracted, kept him from "seeing" a potential reality--one that was ACTUALLY as real as him losing his loved one. It's only when he quit searching for her that he discovered her.

In short, I feel completely powerless when it comes to losing others to death.

According to Adamus Saint-Germain, allowing oneself to be powerless and no longer trying to control an outcome is exactly what it means to allow enlightenment. He said,  "You CHOOSE to AWAKEN, and you ALLOW your ENLIGHTENMENT..."

For me, that finally meant that I FINALLY simply ALLOW myself to feel and act and react and fully immerse in, and experience, whatever happens in my life--without judging how I am. Without trying to monitor, analyze, control, and mold myself into acting and feeling how I THINK I should be. I just am--and that's okay.

I may be a bitch. I may roll my eyes at the crazy absurdities I observe in the world. I may laugh embarrassingly loud. I may try to crack a joke that no one else seems to get. I may get sick and sometimes have difficulty bending or walking, or experience any number of those myriad, often annoying, symptoms of awakening. I may burst into sobbing tears over some book I read. I may feel sad, even inconsolably bereft when a loved one dies. I may have relationships end. I may even physically die.

I may--much to my consternation--feel like, and act the part of the victim, the one role I've struggled for years not to be. I have, in fact, felt like a victim all the time, but like those priests who tried to deny their own sexuality, my victimhood, and their sexual appetites came out in spades.

I can feel totally POWERLESS, lose complete control over myself, or realize I never did have control--and, yet, still--I EXIST.

I've realized that NONE of us HUMANS could have committed the atrocities with one another that all of us have experienced and done to ourselves and each other in the past, UNLESS, deep-down within every single one of us was the profound KNOWINGNESS that the darknesses we explored and played in weren't permanent--that we were more than these stories and beliefs and identities we dabble in.

Some part in all of us KNEW we could NOT truly take the life of anyone. That those dark roles were just role-playing on all our parts--none of it was who we truly and fully are. Deep-down, every one of us KNOWS, without doubt, that ALL LIFE is ETERNAL, and that this experience on Earth, pretending to be limited human beings, is our chance to explore and discover this gift of life that we've all been given--that I Am , that You Are, on a SAFE and SACRED playground.

And with ALLOWING my own ENLIGHTENMENT--simply allowing myself to authentically be, and experience, without limiting it mentally--I've recognized that I'm most likely not going to harm anyone or fight anything anymore. I'm safe with me, and so are you.

Deep down, all of us KNOW that all is truly well in all of Creation...we're all okay, and I don't have to care about trying to save anyone or the world from all this experience.

 Aaah! I finally ALLOWED myself to say honestly, "I don't care!" That's SUCH A RELIEF to admit that--to let go of such a limited, and wildly inconsistent, human programmed belief about how I should be, and what I should care about. I'm done trying to figure out how to prioritize all the things I was taught I should care about. That was a hamster wheel effort going--that's right--nowhere! 

And lightning didn't strike me down for admitting I don't care. I love and I respect and I honor, but I don't care. I have hands-off compassion, but I don't care. And, imagine that!--I still exist. Even though my humanity wants to judge me as being so "bad and wrong" for not caring. My blind, all-alone humanity is yelling at me, "Pen, that's selfish! That's no way to be! Don't admit that (even though, we all know deep-down that it's true, and we're afraid admitting it means we're monsters)."

I don't care about Max and Molly because I KNOW they're okay--and by allowing that, I've felt myself truly finally set my loved ones free...I am no longer limiting them. That's what love is. That's what love does. TRUE LOVE LETS GO!

It finally really doesn't matter to me if no one else understands this or not. I still exist...and I really don't know what embodied enlightenment is going to look like or how it will feel...I don't care! Oh, the breath of freedom that comes with that ALLOWING of MYSELF!

I'm just ready for a new set of potential experiences not conceivable, much less, realized, before--I'm bored with the old traumas and dramas manifested out of those old limited Little Human beliefs and mind traps. I know there's more, and so does everyone else--and they'll all choose to awaken, however much, and allow their own enlightenment whenever they want...and always, ultimately--we're all okay...



P.S. On Friday, December 13, 2013--a little over a month after writing the above post--Max suddenly appeared in a dream during an afternoon nap. I knew, without a doubt, that it was definitely Max--alive and healthy--and I picked him up and carried him over to their food dishes to feed him. 

I grappled slightly trying to remember the story of how I'd lost him: Had he actually died? Or had he just wandered off for a long time?

I realized none of that mattered.

What mattered is that he was alive! And he had returned HOME to me! The past--our old story--had faded, all the pain disappearing with it. All I felt was joy and ease...everything was good...all was well in all of Creation. And I'm left truly feeling excited about being here on Earth now, having my ENLIGHTENED human experience...

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