True Love: Admitting "I don't care" while Facing the Guilt Monster

Love lets go...

True, unconditional love releases completely--it doesn't hold on, not even a tiny bit.

True love is TOTALLY TRUSTING yourself, and TOTALLY TRUSTING everyone and everything other than oneself. The guarded walls encasing oneself COMPLETELY disappear--there is no protective armor or energy field, no offensive or defensive strategies. FEELING GRATITUDE drops all barriers and allows one to receive and flow with ease and grace.

The master BREATHES and walks with her/his energies open and flowing in harmony with everything that is. The master KNOWS WITHOUT A DOUBT that she/he is NEVER a VICTIM, not really--and that there's nothing to have to figure out how to guard oneself against. The master KNOWS she/he has never done anything wrong.

There have been so many instances when someone has been sick, has died, or was having relationship issues, of all kinds, where I've KNOWN that, honestly, I didn't really care what someone else was going through--but I was too afraid to admit it out loud, for fear of others thinking I was a cold-hearted bitch.

And succumbing to that fear kept me from experiencing disease, death, and relationships falling apart, any other way but the same old ways, over and over and over again. The cast of characters changed, but the stories' outcomes pretty much stayed the same.

So, here I am facing the huge guilt monster, and finally admitting what's really going on in my heart and thoughts--I don't care! I don't care about you. I don't care what happens!...because I KNOW ultimately All is well in all of Creation....I KNOW you are, we all are, OKAY!

Because, I recognize, and honor, my sovereignty and your sovereignty. I realize you're having an experience--one that you are choosing, on some level in you, to have. And I respect that. I have complete agenda-free, hands-off compassion for you, no matter how sucky and traumatic the experience may be. That means I don't feel sorry for you, not really. I don't care what happens with you, because I KNOW you're okay and you'll still exist even if you should seemingly die. I KNOW you are the master of your own life. "If it's in your life, you're liking it on some level because you put it there--and the ONLY ONE who can FREELY CHOOSE to remove or change it IS YOU!"

Years ago, when I was somewhere around grade school age, I clearly remember an argument between my grandpa and my dad in our living room. They were arguing about financial issues with our farm--my home. I remember Grandpa saying these words, "Dean, I don't care about you."

From that moment on, unbeknownst to me, my energies rushed in to guard and protect my dad, the victim. From then on, I experienced my dad ALWAYS being the victim in his relationship with my grandpa--and that colored my own personal relationship with my grandpa, who treated me with utmost kindness, though I kept him at arms length. No one was going to get away with not caring about my dad, and not experience some painful consequences, dammit!

Their fighting and inability to get along with one another nearly tore me to pieces--and it got perpetuated in my dad and mom's relationship with Dad's siblings, my beloved aunts and uncles. And that shredded me up even more--poor victim Penny. Who's side should I pick?

But you don't care about me and my experiences, do you? Not really. And that's perfectly okay with me--because unconditional love lets go and has no expectations. And it's my life, after all--not yours.

Even when I recognized, and tried to control and handle the victimhood energies in myself--I couldn't seem to get my dad, someone I loved, and idolized, to take responsibility for playing his own victimhood roles. Ultimately, I realized that that was an agenda of my own, too. I finally realized that underneath all those agendas we humans play with, LOVE WITHOUT EXPECTATION is still ALWAYS there, no matter what. And I set us both free by accepting us in all our ways, especially for those grating human imperfections.

I've discovered that if I don't trust myself and others fully, then I'm radiating out, or emoting, that I am a victim. And the unconditionally-loving Universe energies rush into to match and support me, by manifesting someone, or something, to victimize me.

This is why it's important to be AWARE of myself: "Am I BREATHING CONSCIOUSLY, and am I FEELING AT EASE in, and with myself?"

Victimhood is just an acting role...one that even I can play...

I've had a whole lot of experience at playing the victim part--more than my Little All-alone Human aspect likes to examine very closely. I'm not a lover of the energy feeding that goes hand-in-hand with victimhood, as you can see reading my posts--and I've honestly been judging that as a "wrong way to be." Thus, I've been prolifically manifesting and re-cycling victimhood dramas, much to my consternation--with me being the central victimized character in all of them. Plus I've been surrounded by everyone outside of me in my world playing out victim/victimizer roles. What a tangled webby fricken mess! Ha!

"You should care about the victims of..." Pretending to care perpetuates the pretense of victimhood.

Human Beliefs about the things we're supposed to really care about--that really matter--are LOADED with INCONSISTENCIES completely at odds with one another.

And that is creating an emotional tug-of-war game within each and every one of us. That, then, results in us manifesting chaotically-inconsistent experiences because of those all-over-the-map, offensive, and defensive FEELINGS radiating out from our central core of being.

Those beliefs are merely suggestions--not necessarily truths,UNLESS, you make them your truth.

It's deeply ingrained in all of us, through example and instruction, that a "truly good and loving human cares about certain things 'they-out-there-somewhere' deem important." Only they're full to bursting with inconsistencies and they seem to be fighting for VICTIMHOOD priority over one another.

For example: The Earth--our schools teach us to feel guilty about causing pollution, and then to self-righteously fight it by accusing and blaming and shaming others for their abuse of our beloved planet. We're taught to be responsible earth-bloodsuckers by getting on the recycling bandwagon in a miserable attempt to lessen our "parasitic impact." BUT, at the same time, as kids, we're sent out to sell magazines (paper products made from killing those precious trees), and cookies and junk-food (sugar is bad for health and makes us fat and lazy) that tastes crappy, in tins (made in some third world country) that eventually fill the ever-more-over-flowing landfills with even more unnecessary garbage (which we should be ashamed of, dammit). There is also the conflicting belief that you "poor little kids" need to sell stuff (a marketing ploy for some hokey business), and make money in order to have a well-rounded education. Never mind, that those of us with homes and property in those areas are already paying, through taxation, to educate our community's children.

I recently said no to a boy scout and his mother because of being tired of pretending I liked the rancid measly amount of popcorn in an ugly tin that we've bought from them for the last several years. I didn't complain to them about the quality of the last stuff because I honestly don't remember the face of the scouts who sold it to us in the past. I felt kind of icky telling them (he was a really cute and friendly little boy) I wasn't interested, though he and his mom handled it respectfully and considerately. But I have been making myself pretend to being okay with being a victim of this silly type of dramatic ploy for SO MANY DAMN YEARS. So I risked them not coming to my door ever again to hound me to buy a piece of junk--what did I have to lose?

And you know what? I realize, after writing all of this out, that I don't care about all those victimy stories I just blabbed about up above, and throughout this blog of mine. They don't matter! None of it matters. I don't care! And I certainly don't care whether anyone else does either. 

In fact, I hope what happens to, and with me, doesn't matter to you--because that means you truly love me, and you're honoring my sovereignty and freedom. And that, my friend, is a grand no-strings-attached gift.

I don't care...because I KNOW all is well in all of Creation. Maybe I don't fully trust myself yet, at times, but I'm getting there with every AWARE of MYSELF moment. And all this stuff that I'm experiencing and that I'm ASSUMING is about my ENLIGHTENMENT, well, it is about my realization of myself. I'm okay no matter what. I still exist, and I do fully trust that, even when feeling like a sucky little victim.