A Revelation in 2023: Is There a Teenager Within You?

"Hey! Are you a teenager?"..."Hey!...Hey! Are you a teenager?"...

The words were kind of faint, what with my headband covering my ears and my faux fur-trimmed hood pulled up around my face, impeding my peripheral vision as well as my hearing. I was the only person on the path around the soccer park, so far, or so I thought. I pivoted my head around to take in more fully my surroundings when I saw through the chain link fence that a few kids from the elementary school playground were headed my direction, led by a little, I'm guessing, 8-year old boy, and he was asking me, "Hey! Are you a teenager?"

My first thought was to reply, "No, Honey. I'm old enough to be your grandmother." I took a moment to choose a more tactful reply. With a delighted grin spreading across my lips, which I'm certain he couldn't see in the shadows of my hood, as he stood a good ten to twelve yards away, I said, "Ah...No, I'm quite a bit older than that."

"Why are you walking alone?" He asks.

"I'm enjoying my own company, and I like to get outside." Granted, these were not the most inspired answers, but I was caught totally by surprise.

Questions asked and answered, he bade me good-bye and one of his cohorts waved at me as they turned and headed back to the playground. God, I love kids!

As I continued my walk on this gloriously sunny 14-degree-fahrenheit day, with the pristine snow all around me glistening like a diamond mine with an iridescent blue ceiling overhead, I contemplated his question. Had teenagers been a phenomena they'd just been discussing in class? What prompted such a question? Was he interested in dating one? Whatever it was, I found myself walking--might have been a few skips in there--an extra couple laps around the park, feeling like a million bucks.

I'd been a kid on the playground once, idolizing all those amazingly cool and groovy (yes, I was a prodigy of the seventies) and beautiful, self-assured-seeming high schoolers passing through on their way to the cafeteria.

I couldn't wait for my husband to get home from work so I could share my news. Of course, we both came up with all kinds of clever replies to the are-you-a-teenager question: Kel's was, "Yeah! Several times over." Mine was, "No, but you just made my day." Another thought passed through my mind, "No, thank god!"

Of all the chapters in my life, being a teenager is not one I'd like to experience again. It wasn't bad really--it's just that I had put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and fit in. Plus there was that whole hormonal body-changing thing. I had no idea who I was, much less a whisper of what I wanted to be when I grew up. When I feel back into those days, I was so consumed with self-doubt and if-only-I-woulda, coulda, shoulda-s, that I walked around with a nervous stomach full of bees much of the time. I had a lot of hypnotic (and mostly well-meant) parent-teacher-preacher-peer tapes looping through my mind.

I certainly would not have been caught dead dressed the way I was yesterday. I was sporting my new toffee-colored Olympia down-filled stadium parka, Eddie Bauer flannel-lined polar pants tucked into Uggs snow boots, and a headband and mittens. I know--I was just "sick" with being on trend, a real late-late-late-bloomer. Last fall I'd decided that I was going to get out and make myself walk daily throughout the winter if it wasn't too icy--and that I was going to have warm enough gear that I couldn't use our sometimes sub-zero temps as an excuse not to get outside. I love nature and I love all the seasons. I feel so good after being out in it, even if it's just a few minutes--and it does wonders for my attitude about life.

When I was a teenager (late 70's, early 80's), I didn't think it was cool to be dressed to actually be warm. I shivered my buns off through most of those years in a polyester-filled short ski jacket. And, heaven-forbid, I mess up my hair with a cap. I don't remember what I had for snow boots, except that I know I didn't own the red-laced, round-toed mountain boots that the more popular girls, whom I admired and envied, wore at the time. I did have a pair of wavy-soled Earth shoes, though, and my jeans were Wranglers with rivets. I also had a pair of red-soled saddle shoes from the fifties that made a comeback in the seventies.

I had enough clothes, and sewed many of my shirts and dresses and skirts, thanks to a patient mom who taught me how to sew, but my closet wasn't jam-packed by any means. We bought a couple pair of jeans for the school year, along with a sweater or two, and new socks and underwear. I remember getting teased once for wearing the same green V-necked sweater over and over. All the clothes I wore had been freshly laundered, but I did have my favorites, which I wore quite a bit. We also had school clothes and then the everyday clothes we changed into when we got home to the farm.

Actually, I still have that trait of wearing the same thing. I veered off it a few years ago and played with allowing myself to have a full closet, but I tired of it and gave most of them away. However, I walked away from the experience knowing more what types and styles of clothing suited me and how I spend my time. I had quite a bit of fun with the experience, and then I was ready to clear my closets and lighten things up.

I don't know if you could even use the word style with the era of my teenage years. In looking back with what I know now, we girls were being strongly encouraged to test the waters of taking on what were traditionally men's careers, and that masculine element was reflected in the clothing fads of the time. I was good in science and math, and my career counselor was definitely trying to sell me on going into engineering or computer science.

Most of the time, we resembled no-nonsense office secretaries or the old ideas of how a librarian looked, and dressed in efficient earth-toned, subdued woolen, corduroy, or cotton twill skirts or pants with sensible shoes--a ruffled blouse being a concession to our femininity. The old ladies in the "Where's the beef?" commercial in the eighties springs to mind--except we sported perms instead of buns.  

Today's librarians are much more diverse and fun in how they dress--I recently complimented one of our librarians on how he was dressed. Yeah, I actually used the word dapper--it just popped into my head and I went with it.

I had fun my junior and senior years, and I just celebrated our 40th high school reunion last summer with several of my friends and classmates. They will always hold a special place in my heart--we were in it together, and we came through those tougher for some than others times relatively intact.

Some of the harder high school experiences get shoved to the back of my mind, but they still loop through from time to time. For instance, I was highly empathetic, didn't know it, and it wasn't a phenomenon understood by the average person at the time. Public speaking in front of strangers was an embarrassing horror story for me every single time. I did fine in my English class speeches with my classmates as an audience, but put me in front of people I didn't know and my sentences just fell apart. A barrage of feelings would blow my train of thought to smithereens--and there I'd be, blank of thought and bawling. I can laugh now, but it didn't feel pretty at the time. 

The speech teacher who wasn't even my own teacher (who I'm certain we had a karma thing going between us) belittled me even further and chewed me out for being such an abomination to speech after I embarrassed myself while talking with the school board about allowing us to put our band and chorus credits toward graduation. He may have wanted to help me by getting me to take his course, but degrading me didn't support his efforts, if that indeed is what he was going for.

 I've been spending more time with this post than I initially thought. I wasn't going to over think it and just allow myself to enjoy my wonderful Are you a teenager? moment. But it's caused me to make some connections, and I feel they are important.

You see, I lost a teenager last spring--my nephew. He'd just found it too hard to cope and he took himself out without really giving me or his dad and brother or the rest of his family--people who loved him--the chance to really let him know he wasn't alone. I'm keeping myself open to going beyond with this story--letting it unfold in the very strong hope that it all has a greater, grander purpose yet to be revealed. 

And....I still miss him right now....at the time of his passing, I mourned the loss of him and how he went about it--something I've learned I need to do to keep things flowing and balanced for myself. I've learned to allow all of it--the pain and the sorrow....and....I 've learned to also keep myself open to hope. I trust myself that I wouldn't have created this story for myself without something more in heart and mind--something like an ultimate blessing....

Those teenage years are bridging years. Those are some of the toughest times a person can experience--leaving the old and familiar and pressing forward into the unknown brand new. As a young kid, about the age of the little boy on the playground, I clearly remember dreading growing up. It wasn't that I didn't want to take responsibility for myself--I had chores and was taught quite well by my parents how to take care of myself. It was the fact that I think I was still young enough to be somewhat consciously awake yet--not yet so deeply indoctrinated into thinking I was just a Little Human at the whim of some other puppet master. 

I think I had an inner sense of knowing I had laid out for myself some tough and challenging experiences ahead, like losing loved ones to death, losing my home on the farm--my safe and sacred space. We humans go through a great deal of loss in many ways on this road to wisdom....and we're in the midst of that right now in an unprecedented way....

These are bridging years, my beloved humanity, and we're all teenagers once again, leaving the old behind, bodies transforming along with life as we once knew it. It's all going brand new. While there are some truly warm and fuzzy beautiful moments and experiences in our past, there were a lot of tough things, too, that we just muddled through and handled the best we knew how at the time, even if it may have looked retarded to someone else. The point is, we're here....and....we did it all together. I don't care what roles you played--good, bad, or ugly--or what side of the Veil you're currently inhabiting. We did it--and you all have my immense gratitude for the ways in which you touched my life, because through it I gained so much wisdom for myself, for my soul....and that's infinitely precious....

My beloved little gentleman, you have no idea what a bright light you were in an idyllic winter day in Minot, ND, or that you would inspire a dreamwalk into the days of my youth. I'm still laughing and smiling and couldn't wait to write about it. It was definitely a Dear Diary moment for me. With young and inquisitive and forthright and brave, sweet people like you in the world--well, I just can't help but celebrate that our world, even though it seems to be a jumbled, ruined mess at times--it's in good hands....we're building bridges....Thank you for being an absolutely delightful story in my book....

January 12th, 2023--I'll never forget it! It was grand!

We're All in This Together: It's Not Women Vs. Men

My beloved women and men: No one is to blame, and everyone has been affected by this Sexual Energy Virus--this imbalance in the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine--in consciousness.

When I consider the book of Genesis in the Christian Old Testament, the first separation of a souled being was to divide itself into a divine masculine and a divine feminine half. But they originated from the same source. Please understand, I'm not looking at this from a human gender standpoint. I'm seeing this as my own soul or spirit splitting itself into two divine and different halves in order to know itself better.

Have you noticed that to feel into yourself--to focus your awareness within--you generally have to close your physical eyes?

The SEV (sexual energy virus) had a purpose, in that it was a means of ultimately driving each of us inward to discover our true creator selves, instead of focusing on the outer world around us and our trying to manipulate and control that. 

Trying to control our creations is actually an illusion called "Power." 

Power is like a dog chasing its tail--we go in circles, never getting off the loop, never going beyond into something more. It's seductive and distracting to play in--or fight and struggle in--but after many lifetimes of it, it gets really old and you find yourself longing, yearning for something more....and....that is where awakening to your true self comes in....

Duality had a purpose: 

Duality helps us to better know thyself through experiencing our contrasting polar opposites: Light cannot be perceived without the contrast of some Darkness, etc.

Here's the deal: We have a dual brain. Every human on Earth, with a very few exceptions, regardless of gender, has a brain with two hemispheres--a right side and a left side, bridged by the corpus collosum. Each half has specific functions unique to that part and we need both parts in order to function properly. 

One side is not meant to be dominant over the other (it's an unnatural state of being for a brain's operation)--both sides should rule in partnership. Each are different in the qualities they have to offer but both are equally important to the balanced functioning of the whole. Have you worked in jobs where it was either mostly women or mostly men? I can speak from experience--it can get miserable quickly. 

I see the right half representing the Divine Feminine which is intuitive and knows it's connected to the Eternal Source and All That Is. It understands quantum creation/manifestation. Quantum means energies flow to and in us as wave forms moving in all different directions in order to take a form (particles of matter) for a moment specifically for that individual perceiving it.

Whereas, the left half represents the Divine Masculine which does the reasoning and is logical and linear. It helps us perceive and experience ourselves as a single human individual having the joy of experiencing our own creations and gaining wisdom from that--that's a tremendous gift to our soul. The masculine understands life from a cause-effect standpoint.

Now, put the two together, and we can have an unlimited number of experiences with all kinds of ways of perceiving them. We can play in stories and identities, but no longer feel stuck in them. Or we can simply have an experience, no story necessary.

Men are not the Bad Guys 

On purpose, and by agreement, our Divine Feminine was suppressed in order for us divine, spiritual, non-material beings to more fully immerse into a separate human costume in which to discover who we are and to explore our creations more sensually--more grittily--and in a perceivable sequential order of events--linearity. It was done to help us understand how our personal fields of energy served each of us. How did we get the experiences that we got?

How this looks on a practical level

As a result of that backing off of the Feminine. the Masculine was at the forefront in our human understanding of life. We were imbalanced--top heavy in the masculine, a very passionate and assertive nature--and every single human was affected by that, including men. 

In contrast, the compassionate nature--the Divine Feminine balancing counterpart that knew of its divinity and connectedness to all, was hidden, tucked away within. As in the Song of Solomon, all of us humans, men and women, wandered the earth realms outside of ourselves seeking our bride, the half that would balance us out as individuals. Little did we realize, She's been within us, with us every step of the way....

Men were disconnected from their own divinity as much as women. Plus, to be emotionally sensitive and intuitive were not qualities encouraged in boys and men--those exhibiting such traits were considered weak in most cultures for a very long time. That resulted in emotional immaturity in many cases because men just weren't aware of having emotions, much less how they were influencing their perceptions and, ultimately, their choices. I remember just shaking my head when my husband told of his boss telling them to not make "emotional decisions" in their management positions??? Most guys I knew at the time had no idea what an emotion was.

We pretty much all know how it was for women--we were perceived as much by ourselves as others as being second-class to the male gender until the divine feminine energies really began surfacing at the beginning of the twentieth century. There have been intelligent and intuitive women at the forefront of innovation and sovereignty-for-all throughout history, but they are just now being recognized. Many great women artists and craftswomen couldn't sign their own masterpieces.

Bless all those men and women who quit trying to fit in, who flouted convention and just followed their own hearts and passions.

We all saw ourselves as Little Humans just trying to survive on a planet which had some scary stuff going on. We weren't aware we were in costumes and just pretending....

What I am saying is there really are no Villains or Victims--we were all just playing out different scenarios in a safe and sacred space called Earth in order to learn more about oneself and how our own energies served us--a pinpoint of consciousness aware that it existed....

So let's work together at allowing it to naturally balance....we can each start by opening up to perceiving both the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine within yourself and embracing them.

Years ago, I had a young man approach me when I was out walking around the lake in Minnesota. I intuitively knew when I started out that I was going to meet someone and that it would be connected with the Sexual Energy Virus. Sure enough, it was a man feeling as though he was actually a woman trapped in a man's body--and he absolutely hated men! He raged with it, cracked jokes that portrayed men in a bad light. After several encounters with him seeking me out in order to dump all his frustrations and anger in my lap, not letting me get a word in edgewise, I finally wrote him a note telling him that he could get surgery and cut off all those parts he hated, but until he learned to embrace his masculine side, nothing would change....and then I disconnected from him for my own sake....

People often confuse homosexuals with being transgenders, and they are completely different concepts or manifestations. I've known a few homosexuals in my life, many of whom are very balanced individuals--some of the kindest, most empathetic and compassionate friends and loved ones I've ever had. I have felt safe and accepted around them. They never tried to press me into being anything other than who I am, and I think our media does them an injustice in portraying them as being one certain way. Just like with any heterosexual human, I prefer to relate with people one-by-one and not throw anyone into some pool of "this is how they are."

No one should be groomed away from accepting oneself exactly as they are. I realized for myself that Unconditional Acceptance is paramount as a base from which to launch any other experience....

Feeling sorry for oneself--encouraging and promoting pity and helplessness over one's situation doesn't help matters either. I observe people using the term "disease" as a whiny cop-out tool.

One of THE MOST helpful tools in my life is to view everything in my life--whether it be sexual orientation or identification or an abusive manner of coping or even a disease or an accident--I PUT IT THERE. No one outside of myself is punishing me. It puts the ball in my court so I can shift my perspective around to look at it to see what wisdom I'm gaining from the experience, and when I've had my fill, I CAN RELEASE MYSELF from it without struggle and overthinking it.

Pointing fingers does not help....struggling and fighting with what is actually one's own energies keeps the imbalance in play....

Isn't it a wonder? All this time I've been fighting with myself....

The "Follow" Button Makes Me Cringe

A couple of the big social media sites like Facebook and Twitter have "Follow" buttons to connect their users, and, intuitively, I just have never liked that button. It rubs me the wrong way when it comes to my sovereignty and that of the rest of humanity, most of whom don't remember that they are unique and sovereign individuals. Following keeps everyone in the Mass Consciousness Zoo loop--a type of hypnosis....and we are each and all SO MUCH MORE....

If you follow anyone other than your own soul or divinity within, you are going to experience betrayal.

On purpose, we shut down our ability to remember that we all are divine creator beings who are here essentially to experience our own creations and learn how our personal energy fields serve us. In the realms prior to Earth, our creations were instantaneous and existed only in the moment--we had no memory, no basis from which to discover how we got what we got. 

The grand Earth experience allowed us to lower our vibrations into a limited spectrum of creation where we could experience the contrasts of duality. Thus, we each have a brain with two hemispheres. One half is feminine and intuitive and knows it's connected to All That Is. The other half is masculine and logical and knows it's a separate and souled being--a sovereign individual. 

Also, the experience of linearity here on Earth helped us have a sequential, cause-effect type of relationship with our creations, and those entertaining "story lines" which had a past, a present and a future, greatly increased our understanding of ourselves.

We basically programmed ourselves to believe we are just Little Humans. That someone or some other entity outside of us knows us better than we do ourselves: 

Either we're sinners who need to suffer having our inherent wrongness punished and honed out of us, or we're humans littering our beloved planet by simply existing because someone thinks we're overpopulating it and there won't be enough resources for everyone to survive.

As a kid, I remember playing a game called "Follow the Leader." One person was picked as the leader, or proclaimed themselves so, and everyone had to step in the same steps of the leader and do all the actions he did. 

"Simon Says" was another game where one person played Simon. Woe to you if you jumped when the person told you to jump without them saying, "Simon says, 'Jump!'" You had to go to the back and start all over again.

I know it feels safer to just lay low and to follow someone else's lead. I've been there and done all of that. The thing is, all those other people I followed eventually disappointed me in some way, and I'd eventually drop them and return to me--my own truths and realizations that resonated solely/soul-y with me.

I idolized my sister. She was confident and at ease in large groups, popular in school--a homecoming queen. Basically she was everything I longed to be, but just wasn't. I was shy, large groups of strangers made me queasy, and I had difficulty completing my sentences. I would later realize all of that was because I was pretty highly sensitive in the empathy department, and the bombardment of all the emoted energies from the world around me just rendered me speechless, especially when I felt put on the spot.

I so wanted to be like her. I was in third grade, following her and our cousin around the county fair, when, for a lark, the two of them jumped onto the moving Merry-Go-Round and rode it a short distance before jumping back off. I followed suit, but I didn't jump off soon enough. The ride operator spotted me and chewed me out. 

I felt so awfully ashamed--I actually carried the guilt of that moment well into my adulthood. It's finally been released where now it makes for a silly story that makes me laugh at myself and the memory of what a conundrum it often was to be a young human trying to learn the ropes of how to be and do in this world. You see, I just wanted to belong.

Humans long for the fellowship of being a part of a twosome or a group.

Being a follower has pretty much ultimately backfired on me every single time. I had to start looking at all those experiences of following this group or that person as stepping stones that betrayed me at a certain point so I'd always end up turning back to myself for all my own answers. Their failing me helped me remember who I really am.

I often hear of people joining a church or some type of spiritual group just to have the fellowship and to have a sense of belonging.

I observe people joining political parties or other causes in order to have that same sense. Back in the nineties, I discovered politics was not my passion, whatsoever. It seemed to focus on a few individuals, who didn't know me at all, asking me to vote for them so they could negotiate and compromise me into giving my own sovereignty away. Needless to say, I don't vote because I'm the best representative for myself, and I know I trust myself to do my best and I choose to do no harm. Imagine my lack of surprise when it came out that elections could be rigged.

I don't like someone else thinking for me or taking care of me. God, I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say, "The government needs to take care of ill or handicapped people." Yep, we all experienced first hand with the whole CO-VID crisis how well the governments around the world served their people. Proper medical care and Do No Harm oaths were thrown to the wayside in order to get more power and money for their various agencies and institutions. Mandated vaccinations and fresh-air-restricting facemasks??? People telling someone else how to be and what they should be doing? What the hell, people?  

As for you--the ones I see driving by, alone in your car with a face mask on, looking like a robber headed for a bank heist....Wake the fricken up already!!!

Plus, everyone knows most of the medical and insurance systems are monstrous power and control entities, too, bilking people out of finances way out of proportion to the services actually provided. More people die of the barbaric treatments used in too many diseases than are actually cured completely. I've heard all the insurance stories where the company refuses to pay out, yet everyone still jumps on the old insurance bandwagon, and I continue to hear the same old insane tragic victim of insurance stories over and over and over again.

There are better ways and they can come in, but, my beloved friends, we have to open ourselves up to allowing them to come in, instead of hanging onto dysfunctional systems that obviously don't really work. I'm convinced that people like getting fucked over just to have something to commiserate over and talk about over beers. I think they're just wanting to belong, too.

It borders on--no, it embraces the ridiculous. I look back on the last few years--we all experienced tragic losses of loved ones and friends--and I watched people just let someone else take responsibility for them, even to their deaths....

But that's what we can expect to get when we identify oneself as being a follower instead of a self-sovereign. Common sense tells me that, as an adult, I shouldn't expect someone else to take care of me....

If I'm handicapped in some manner, I most likely chose that experience on the other side of the Veil, or it's Karma helping me to balance something out from other lifetimes. Either way, I put myself in that situation for a purpose probably greater than the Little Human's limited understanding. I'm going to need my soul's eyes, or viewpoint, to help me see the bigger picture.

So, once again, choosing to take complete responsibility for me in all my situations--seeing myself as a Divine soul in a human costume--opens me to so many more potential solutions than choosing to continue playing out the victim role through all of it. 

You can be an amazing light in your world, but soliciting pity can only go so far. Open up to hope....and your own imagination....obviously, when you put yourself into that handicapped role you weren't concerned about belonging or fitting in with the rest of the world. You're no follower...

As for that "Follow" button:

MeWe has a platform similar to Facebook, but without all the conspiratorial fact-checking agenda and promotion of the fighting dysfunction. People with differing viewpoints are all pretty much allowed their say, as long as it isn't violent or inciteful or hacking. They don't allow ad-infestations, censoring, or privacy-invading B.S. Most importantly to me, they don't have a "Follow" button--and I really appreciate that. 

I left Facebook two years ago when people I had thought of as friends turned out to be "fact-checking" nightmares. I witnessed, firsthand, the conquering of a nation by getting the people to fight amongst themselves, tearing apart families and friendships based on political views and nonsense--basically a bunch of sheep following some self-proclaimed, know-it-all leader. To be a part of reactive "mob rule" where everyone is feeling like the victim of some outer entity is to act on insanity, not self-sovereignty.

I KNOW we are all so much more than that, and that everyone is capable of thinking and speaking for themselves....especially when you get quiet and spend some quality time alone with yourself so you can hear and feel your own soul speak. So I moved to MeWe. Unfortunately, most of my friends and family didn't come along, and they don't know what they are missing....

I was not an active Twitter user and thought I'd deactivated my old account prior to leaving Facebook, but evidently didn't get it done properly. I decided to rejoin (though tweeting isn't really my thing) when Elon Musk bought Twitter, and I saw that he was allowing their previously corrupt censoring and banning practices to be revealed. That is, to me, a step in the right direction. There is a certain power-loving contingent that obviously isn't happy with that and is trying to get him to step down from running his own company, but I have a sense that bunch will just be shooting themselves in the behind (as it should be) when it's all said and done.

While Elon Musk has done us a service, and I applaud his imagination and creativity and his ability to manifest financial abundance by doing the things he's passionate about--we can each and all thank him graciously for his service--but don't literally follow him or anyone else. Go ahead, push the "Follow" button and enjoy whatever tweets and posts you like....and....remember:

Honor what he and other freedom-honoring souls have done by assuming your own freedom and sovereignty. Learn what it is about and put it into your daily practice, and you'll no longer play the role of Victim. Well, you can play it if that's the experience you want to have, but you'll no longer feel stuck in that role--or any other--for the rest of your human life.

So, what is sovereignty? Let's start by looking and feeling into its contrast--limited freedom, servitude, slavery, answering to someone else. We know all about these, don't we? And we release them with ease by appreciating the wisdom we gained from having such limiting experiences. Even our physical bodies are a limitation to our freedom, from which we discovered so much about ourselves. 

When something has been taken away, we don't take it for granted the next time around, and we appreciate it all the more simply because we understand it so much more....

Sovereignty means basically "to rule over." So self-sovereignty means I accept total responsibility for all that I am, all that I create, all that I perceive, and all my experiences. I am not the victim of anyone or anything--except myself and my own blindness to who I really am....

And....sovereign creators give their creations their own freedom just as our Eternal Source did with us....no trying to control, fix, or manipulate....because, somehow, we know it will ultimately all work out and find its natural state of balance if we just keep our sticky fingers out of it.

I am, you are, we all are meant to ultimately be free and to be the sovereign of our own life right here, right now.... 

Don't wait for someone else to give it to you--that's just not going to happen.... 

Hope and Mercy for Those Longing for a Do-over

I was out shoveling snow yesterday when I was taken back to a time nearly 26 years ago. It was midnight, and I was shoveling snow from around our car parked in the neighboring church parking lot. It was quiet in our neighborhood in the city. With every scrunchy-crunch scoop of snow, tears were pouring out, sobs shook me to my core. I was allowing memories I had planned to take to the grave. No one could ever know my secret....

A person who had molested me when I was a child had come forward several years earlier and apologized to me, asked me for my forgiveness. At the time, I quickly gave them the forgiveness they sought from me, but I was still in a place of not really wanting to go there. I had convinced myself it had been just a dream, and so I did what I had to do in that moment and then I crammed that whole story deep-down inside in hopes I would completely forget it ever happened.

But I'd buried that old story within my body of consciousness. It was still looping around within me, affecting the way I walked through my life, affecting all of my relationships. Especially the relationship I had with myself. I carried a backpack of guilt, shame and self-doubt around on my shoulders. 

And because I was still holding onto it, trying to handle it from a Little Human just trying to survive in a cruel world perspective, the burden was taking its toll on me emotionally and physically, and spiritually. It was energy that needed to be released so it could be neutralized, returned to point zero. I needed to set myself free.... And that is what began to happen that fateful night.

A new friendship at the time had triggered the memories. She had shared with me that she'd been the victim of molestation. No way in hell was I going to admit to having an experience of my own in that area. But the lid had been cracked, a bit of light had found its way into the dark.

Why am I bringing this up all over again? God knows, I've written this story out so often that even I'm bored with it. However, one thing has stood out for me from the memories of that night:

As I shoveled that snow around, all the remorse, the terror of someone finding out, the never-ending self-punishment worse than anyone outside of me could have doled out, the yearning to have a do-over but feeling it wasn't possible, aching to never have done what I did--

it was all from the perspective of my molester....

After feeling all of that through that night and asking myself why this awful thing happened, I knew--without any doubt--that it was for a greater purpose, and that the two of us had planned this on the other side of the Veil of Forgetting who we really are. We had made an agreement to play the roles. I knew I needed to find that person and let them know that I truly forgave them this time. That there was an actual purpose greater than ourselves....

Here I am, many years later, writing about something I once felt would be the end of me if it ever came out.

Our entire planet is ascending out of an age of very old and very limited consciousness where most of humanity believed it was Survival of the Fittest on an Earth of very limited resources. 

Our population is growing, and there has long been an element within our society that believes there isn't enough for all to live abundantly. 

And because of that fear driving them, they have been up to some horrific shenanigans, all of which is leaking out more and more, and it can no longer be controlled, managed, contained. With the technology available today, there can be no more secrets....and for those who have been up to no good, the lid is cracked and light is pouring into the dark places where you tried to hide your worst decisions....

And all that makes for some really desperate villains on a path they wished they'd never taken....

And frankly, I'd rather those people take a time-out alone with themselves, allowing the light and wisdom of their own souls in, right here, right now. 

It's never too late....

Just because you chose that path yesterday does not mean you have to continue on it. You can step off it, start a fresh path and use all the wisdom gained from your worst moments to bring some mercy and light into the hearts and places that need it the most. You can truly be a gift to your world, starting right now....but you have to invite your divinity into guiding you into living a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Let your own soul be your guide....

Take some good deep breaths in a safe and sacred space. You have to lay down your weapons, discard your armor. Open up. Be merciful, and do it alone with yourself first. Shout your anger, cry your tears, feel your sadness and your sorrows....feel into and through everything you've feared and tried to avoid....

Invite in your divinity and all the wisdom gained from its human costume experiences. It's all right there within you....and the changes all happen within you first. Little by little, you'll know what to be and do from there.... 

The all-alone Little Human can't forgive. True forgiveness comes from the Soul that sees--and feels--all from a much greater perspective....as I did that night so long ago....

To be human means we're going to be imperfect, we're going to have regrets and long for impossible-seeming do-overs....but that can only truly happen by allowing the broad viewpoint of the soul into your human life....ask for it.

No one cares to hear our excuses or rationalizations for that crap we've done. I had to forgive myself, and to do that I had to be honest with myself first and foremost. I had to surrender trying to control the narrative within myself.

Granted, some of you deserve to be put in prison--for life....and....you can still shine a light from there, too. It's needed in those places, too....especially so....

I am writing this all from my soul's perspective. 

I see myself as the sole creator, experiencer and perceiver of my own world. Like a virtual reality game, the energy field around and within me, belongs to and is in service only to myself; and its manifestation is dependent upon how limited the consciousness is that I radiate out. If I feel I am a Little Human puppet on the string of some other being and stuck in a frightening and cruel world where I'm just going through motions, trying to survive, trying to have enough--well, that's the kind of world I get to experience.

....and....I KNOW there is so much more to me, to you, to all of us....and that we are ALL here helping to build a bridge out of that old barbaric perception into a world more merciful, graceful, more authentically aligned with who we all truly are....

Visionaries Are Realists, too

To have a vision means you can see possibilities not yet notably in play in your outer world....but....

if you're seeing it, it IS already happening WITHIN you....

That seed of possibility is sprouting into life....

I can't count the number of times I've been in conversations where the participants resisted being open to other possibilities--especially hopeful ones. People like to commiserate over perceived wrongs in the world for some odd reason, and they seldom go to the extent of offering up solutions to the problem, much less acting on them.

I'd throw in some idea of a potential outcome that wasn't loaded with doom and gloom, and it would often get poo-pooed as being unrealistic. "Penny, that's just not gonna happen. That's just not the way people are. You're just dreaming."

And then we all go our separate ways, dragging with the burden of "that's just the way it is." Well, maybe not me....

The Dream: Me, a Crane, a Duck and a Chicken

One morning in late August of 2005, I was packing for a trip home to visit my sister and brothers in South and North Dakota.

My husband, just waking up, says, "Pen, I had a dream, and I was so mad at you. You were on the Big Hill operating this huge crane that you had no idea how to run, and the arm was flying every which way, smashing the barn--everything--to pieces. You mortally wounded a duck and a chicken--I was so mad at you." 

My husband seemed to have a lot of dreams where I made him mad. Ha-Ha!

I remembered this particular dream because the symbolism of the duck and chicken was so amusingly obvious to me. The duck represented avoidance, and the chicken represented fear. This dream took place two years after my dad's death, when I'd pretty much come fully awake to the idea that I was, we humans were, so much more than the stories and identities we played out together. I was diving into the things I feared most (like losing loved ones to death) and finally facing my own demons within--things I had avoided for fear of not looking so good. 

The chicken and the duck were definitely goners in my world....and....yeah, things got messy because I was going beyond the mental and stepping out of the box into the intuitive--my mind had no idea what I was doing. I was just feeling my way through things. Linearity, cause-effect, and organization were being replaced by quantum dynamics. Like the swinging, out-of-control-appearing arm of the crane--life was coming to me from all different directions, within and without....and the old life was coming apart at the seams....

What does being realistic about life look like?

Is it being realistic to expect someone like a distant politician or a celebrity--neither of whom knows you from Adam--to really actually give a fig about you? Most of the time, they are more concerned with their image of caring and being intelligent and "in the right" than what is happening with Joe and Jane Doe.

Is it realistic to expect even those closest to you--like your family, your parents, your mate, or your children--to be responsible for you after you've reached adulthood? Do you want someone sacrificing living their own best life in order to take care of you? Do you want to let even a loved one choose for you how your life unfolds? Or do you want to be sovereign over your own life?

Is it realistic to expect systems of belief (often driven these days by making profits first or getting power and control over the masses) like businesses, governments, religions, sciences, the media, to know what is best for you, a unique individual--and, more importantly, as I see it--the perceiver and creator of your own realities? Do you really want someone to tell you what to do and how to be? Isn't that rather boring? Isn't it suffocating?

Are you so afraid of who you might be and what you might do that you'll accept whatever limitations someone else doles out? Then keep those metaphorical and literal masks on and keep breathing that stale, vision-squelching air. That's your choice.

I've been allowing the ripping off of those stifling layers of so-called, status quo "protections" for many years now, and my life has gotten way more interesting. I flow much easier than those days when I lived in fear of being and doing wrong, terrified of the next shoe dropping.

Let's get "Real" and sow Seeds of Possibility starting with our daily conversations together....

Of course, an idea can't become real if it isn't even placed into awareness that it has a potential of being....you've got to talk about it.

But before you can talk about a new concept you have to be open and flexible, willing to shift your awareness around to include other points of view. I realized I had to let go of a need to always be right, no matter the cost. I had to allow myself to imagine and feel into other perspectives--something that's not hard to do if I let myself quit identifying with being a certain way. 

One of the worst cop-outs I hear is when someone says to me, "This is just how I am." I feel all energies of an open exchange just drop to nil. All it does is tell me they are unwilling to consider other potentials, so I'm inclined to tune them out, not listen to them or waste my breath.

It does the whole show a great service when the actor can not only convincingly perform his role in relationship with the other cast members, but is also able to view the entire performance as a member of the audience, as the director, as the writer. And as the producer and the financier--as the one who actually invests her energies into its manifestation or real-ization.

Walking out in nature or doing anything involving water, on my own, is often when inspiration strikes....

To allow new concepts to come into my awareness, I discovered I had to literally open myself up--that's it. Just take some deep-into-me breaths, close my eyes, RELAX, and open up my sense of being--the field of energies within and around me....to something other than what I had going....

I literally let go of hanging onto the worries and their stories cycling around in my head and body. I let go of my identity as Penny. I just set them all aside and go to that place where I am nothing but a simple pinpoint of awareness that only knows it exists....

The ideas for the posts I write often come when I am out walking or gardening. Often I get ah-ha's while in or near water--while in the bathroom (bathing or otherwise, if you know what I mean) or while washing dishes or watering plants. Cleaning and getting rid of stuff also has a tendency to make room for new things to flow into my awareness. Sometimes it happens when I'm relaxed and napping with a cat or two or more on my lap or chest. I think of all of it as simply acting out allowing my energies to flow....

At first it felt very vulnerable--to be all open to just anything. I wasn't used to laying it all out there on the table for everyone to see. But then, one by one, the burdens and layers of protection I had hauled around most of my life began to fall away--just because I decided to take another look at things I had tried so hard to bury away within myself. Away from the possible judgment and condemnation of others, as well.

Only this time, I did it choosing to have self-compassion and giving myself the benefit of the doubt. I wasn't out to rationalize or excuse away my actions of the past--I just allowed myself to be honest about how I perceived and felt about myself and life at that specific period in my life. Always--the worst things I felt I'd done, when I looked back, I realized I'd done so out of a very limited idea of who I was and what my life was about. I thought some other god out there in the ethers was controlling my life. Limited awareness brings in limited experiences--and limited reactions to those experiences.

"Are you unpoopular?...Do you pop out at parties?"

Lucy Ricardo's iconic, messed up lines after several botched takes (and several spoon-fulls of product) for a commercial promoting the Vitameatavegamin elixir, the content of which was mostly alcohol, actually pretty much fits me these days. I'm generally more "unpoopular" than popular.

For instance, when in the midst of people discussing politics and I drop in with choosing to be sovereign and not playing the game at all--I kind of lose popularity. There's generally an uncomfortable halt in the conversation, eyes looking anywhere but at me, and then the interaction continues on as if I didn't say a word.

When people are commiserating over the grimness in the world and how bad it is out there and how bad it's going to get, and I "pop up" with the idea that it may well be a chaotic mess out there....and....it's just all the old being shaken up and cleared out for something new, possibly even freer, for everyone--well, things get quiet for a moment then, too. Then off it all goes back to focusing on all that's dramatic and "wrong" out there.

People don't like me throwing out a bit of sunshine on their rainy parades. And they don't like being reminded that if it's in your life, you--and only you--put it all there, just as it is. No matter what the issue is: health, politics, government, finances, education, medicine, religion, etc. When a person takes full responsibility for putting into play whatever situation they are experiencing it blows those old victimhood conversations apart at their foundations.

Just because it is so now doesn't mean it has to stay that way....

I anticipate the best out of people I meet--I know that potential is within all of us. Do I necessarily get it all the time? No, but that is on that individual, not me....

I'd rather live my life as a hopeful visionary who acts out my best life with better possibilities as my focus--and later discover I was totally wrong--than be a grim perpetuator of the idea of "this reality is all there is....just deal with it."

I will always keep loving and looking for the good in all of us, no matter what....

I know none of us needs a watchdog or babysitter--we're all capable of choosing to DO NO HARM, especially when we're awake to who we truly are....

I will focus my conversations on hope and the very REAL possibility of living out a life more spectacular than the one conceived by my limited Little Human mind--the part of me that could only envision future possibilities based on what happened in the past. I am not my past. I am NOW....

And....I'm going to keep popping out and talking about openness, freedom, sovereignty, and compassionate, all-accepting self-responsibility....even if it makes me unpoopular at parties....

Living My Best Life Makes Laws of Others Obsolete

If every human chose to live their own best life and quietly just went about it, minding their own business and lending a hand when one sees the need, then all those laws on the books, and those making and enforcing them, would be rendered obsolete....bullies and their clattering chatter fade away when they have no one to listen, to intimidate....

And....this is very DOABLE.

We can each do it, one-by-one, on our own....you just CHOOSE it and LIVE IT OUT--no excuses, no whining, no playing the victim....

Leave the money issues out of it. Money is only a means of witnessing or experiencing a Let's Pretend energy exchange--a communication. We each have our own energy field in service to us alone--no one can actually take any of it away from another. We can choose to pretend to have any type of experience here--some with less money, some with more, some in-between. But, ultimately, even if you're experiencing poverty--you, alone, gave yourself that situation. You are radiating out that you are poor so your own energy field is taking form to match its master's command to manifest into an ABUNDANCE of LACK--You da' master!

Throwing money at an issue doesn't necessarily solve it, yet that is what humans do, and what ensues is often complicated B.S....

I still live modestly and I know it's within me to have a more elegant life style....yet, it doesn't matter that much to me or I'd be bringing it in. I could travel more....and....right now, I like my home life with our cats and my own bed. But I have noticed that throughout my life, even when I played out the poverty story with my parents, I've always had a warm home and plenty of food and clothing for my needs of the moment.

My life got much easier and more graceful when I looked at money as an energy to flow rather than to count, hoard and stockpile. When I have traveled in the past, I put it on the one credit card we have and I paid the entire balance of the card off when it came due at the end of the month, as I always do. 

Our mortgage is paid off and that was immensely liberating....and....there will come a day when home mortgages and car payments and insurance are obsolete--when humans realize they are each manifesting what they want to experience, and so are no longer stuck in identities and stories permanently.

It's amazing what happened when I quit worrying about money. I encourage you to pay every bill--with gratitude that you can do so--immediately when it comes due or when you get the statement. Don't use a credit card unless you pay it off in full at the end of each month--the word CREDIT means I don't have the money now. That's the story you radiate out to the energies that serve you. Making small payments on a credit card perpetuates that story of not having enough in the moment at hand.

We have a credit card only because it's a means of safe and convenient money exchange on the internet or when traveling. But I think of it as a checkbook or debit card.

Are you looking for equal opportunity to have whatever experience you choose....or to play victim?

If you want to pretend to be a cat--that's up to you--but I'm not interested in feeding you cat chow, petting you, or cleaning your pee and poop box. You take responsibility for yourself and whatever identity you choose to play out--sovereign masters don't bully others by installing a law to play in your "Let's Pretend" game. These identity laws, my beloved Divine Human brothers and sisters are some of the silly laws being promoted. Just say, "Hell, no!"....and....walk away....

And if you have a penis, use the men's restroom. Those with vaginas--use the women's. Those with both, take your pick. Little kids, go with whichever parent is available to ensure your safety until you're old enough to go in on your own. Common sense....no law necessary....

When I close my eyes and feel into myself--that truly Free Divine Human, Sovereign Master of my own life--all those old fights and struggles, blame, shame, misery, suffering and guilt fall away.... 

"I accept full, compassionate responsibility for my entire life, all my experiences and my perceptions of them--past, NOW, and future...."

I don't need to tell anyone else what they need to fix about themselves or point any blaming fingers at myself or anyone else. When I ignored the noisy "law-makers on all levels" and the mainstream agenda-driven news, none of whom really know me personally, my life got simpler and more graceful. NO ONE has any power over me unless I hand them my sovereignty on a platter.

In the Old Testament of the Christian Holy Bible there is the Book of Judges. It's been many years since I've read it, but what I got from it was that the people of the time didn't want to take responsibility for their own life and how they interacted with others--their neighbors. They actually wanted someone to give them some rules and to handle any of their disagreements with others for them. They chose to have mediators. Thus, came the Judges and the Laws.

Basically, we Divine beings in human vessels limited our awareness even more by choosing that experience....and....we had a purpose in doing so. How else can we explore the meaning and qualities of freedom if we don't have the experience of living it out with its contrast--forms of imprisonment on all levels?

And....that all was So Yesterday....

We are all emerging from that sleepy nap of having been a Little Human blind to the creator beings we all are, and at the whim and mercy of a cruel world littered with outside, other than thyself, gods with a wide spectrum of inconsistent rules and one-sided, imbalanced ideas of justice.

The time has come, the time is now--take up your own INHERENT freedom and sovereignty....and live your best life on your own terms....you won't do any harm if you trust yourself and just decide to do your best....

I think you're worth it, and YOU are the only one capable of doing it....

I wish you all the best....always....

"Once upon a time, I GAVE MYSELF this experience...": I'm Nobody's Victim

Being the creator of my own reality or experiences definitely has its perks.

No matter what story I'm immersed in--whether it's a physical or emotional disease, or a dysfunctional relationship--if it's in my life, I put it there simply to have the experience. When I give it no more meaning other than that, it loses its oomph when I'm done playing in it, and dissolves away. 

I am free and I am the sovereign of my own life--no one else has dominion over me....

When I believe a disease or a bad relationship, or some disaster or tragedy is in my life as some form of punishment doled out by someone or something outside of my body of conscious awareness, then suddenly I'm having to cope with something I have no responsibility for creating, thus I play out the role of being a victim of some circumstance beyond my control. I am at the mercy of someone or something other than myself. I can actually feel myself shrink up into a fetal position when I feel into this perspective. No wonder I used to get the awful and frustrating experiences I got when I had this way of perceiving myself and my life.

Being in a human body is a limited and unnatural state of being for divinity....and....that very limitation is its GIFT to my soul....

In order to have this new viewpoint I had to start seeing myself as spirit or divinity learning who and what it was by lowering its vibration enough to immerse into a biological body so it could play out experiences in an environment of sequences (linearity) and contrasts (duality). 

I think of it as being in a sensual human costume--The Experiencer (I say it and act it out like Arnold Schwarzenegger does The Terminator). And, while in these incredible get-ups, acting out various roles, we play "Let's Pretend" stories out on an amazing and magnificent stage--our beloved Earth.

Much as I think I'd love to dress up more often in costumes just for the fun of it, I don't do it because all the make-up, wigs, and even the clothing can feel so uncomfortable for me--it feels so unnatural and restrictive, itchy.  And that is pretty much how my human body has felt--and it felt the worst when I saw myself as being the victim in a cruel world, at the mercy of someone or something other than myself. I've kind of known that some part of me was free and light enough to fly....

Energies seek to flow and flex--to be without restriction. To be free of its "I'm just a Little Human Puppet" story....We are all so much more....

With this embracing of the idea that I'm a much-loved human gifting its soul with the wisdom its master self distills out from all my TEMPORARY human experiences--well, it changes absolutely everything in my past, in my present, and it opens wide my future possibilities....

Close your eyes, feel into one of your worst experiences, and say, 

"Once upon a time, I GAVE MYSELF this experience...."

This morning, I had the above little tool pop into my awareness as I was feeling into my previous post on the Roundtable Discussions: Practicing Your Own Self-Sovereignty and Embodied Mastery. 

Try it out, see what happens for you....