I was out shoveling snow yesterday when I was taken back to a time nearly 26 years ago. It was midnight, and I was shoveling snow from around our car parked in the neighboring church parking lot. It was quiet in our neighborhood in the city. With every scrunchy-crunch scoop of snow, tears were pouring out, sobs shook me to my core. I was allowing memories I had planned to take to the grave. No one could ever know my secret....
A person who had molested me when I was a child had come forward several years earlier and apologized to me, asked me for my forgiveness. At the time, I quickly gave them the forgiveness they sought from me, but I was still in a place of not really wanting to go there. I had convinced myself it had been just a dream, and so I did what I had to do in that moment and then I crammed that whole story deep-down inside in hopes I would completely forget it ever happened.
But I'd buried that old story within my body of consciousness. It was still looping around within me, affecting the way I walked through my life, affecting all of my relationships. Especially the relationship I had with myself. I carried a backpack of guilt, shame and self-doubt around on my shoulders.
And because I was still holding onto it, trying to handle it from a Little Human just trying to survive in a cruel world perspective, the burden was taking its toll on me emotionally and physically, and spiritually. It was energy that needed to be released so it could be neutralized, returned to point zero. I needed to set myself free.... And that is what began to happen that fateful night.
A new friendship at the time had triggered the memories. She had shared with me that she'd been the victim of molestation. No way in hell was I going to admit to having an experience of my own in that area. But the lid had been cracked, a bit of light had found its way into the dark.
Why am I bringing this up all over again? God knows, I've written this story out so often that even I'm bored with it. However, one thing has stood out for me from the memories of that night:
As I shoveled that snow around, all the remorse, the terror of someone finding out, the never-ending self-punishment worse than anyone outside of me could have doled out, the yearning to have a do-over but feeling it wasn't possible, aching to never have done what I did--
it was all from the perspective of my molester....
After feeling all of that through that night and asking myself why this awful thing happened, I knew--without any doubt--that it was for a greater purpose, and that the two of us had planned this on the other side of the Veil of Forgetting who we really are. We had made an agreement to play the roles. I knew I needed to find that person and let them know that I truly forgave them this time. That there was an actual purpose greater than ourselves....
Here I am, many years later, writing about something I once felt would be the end of me if it ever came out.
Our entire planet is ascending out of an age of very old and very limited consciousness where most of humanity believed it was Survival of the Fittest on an Earth of very limited resources.
Our population is growing, and there has long been an element within our society that believes there isn't enough for all to live abundantly.
And because of that fear driving them, they have been up to some horrific shenanigans, all of which is leaking out more and more, and it can no longer be controlled, managed, contained. With the technology available today, there can be no more secrets....and for those who have been up to no good, the lid is cracked and light is pouring into the dark places where you tried to hide your worst decisions....
And all that makes for some really desperate villains on a path they wished they'd never taken....
And frankly, I'd rather those people take a time-out alone with themselves, allowing the light and wisdom of their own souls in, right here, right now.
It's never too late....
Just because you chose that path yesterday does not mean you have to continue on it. You can step off it, start a fresh path and use all the wisdom gained from your worst moments to bring some mercy and light into the hearts and places that need it the most. You can truly be a gift to your world, starting right now....but you have to invite your divinity into guiding you into living a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Let your own soul be your guide....
Take some good deep breaths in a safe and sacred space. You have to lay down your weapons, discard your armor. Open up. Be merciful, and do it alone with yourself first. Shout your anger, cry your tears, feel your sadness and your sorrows....feel into and through everything you've feared and tried to avoid....
Invite in your divinity and all the wisdom gained from its human costume experiences. It's all right there within you....and the changes all happen within you first. Little by little, you'll know what to be and do from there....
The all-alone Little Human can't forgive. True forgiveness comes from the Soul that sees--and feels--all from a much greater perspective....as I did that night so long ago....
To be human means we're going to be imperfect, we're going to have regrets and long for impossible-seeming do-overs....but that can only truly happen by allowing the broad viewpoint of the soul into your human life....ask for it.
No one cares to hear our excuses or rationalizations for that crap we've done. I had to forgive myself, and to do that I had to be honest with myself first and foremost. I had to surrender trying to control the narrative within myself.
Granted, some of you deserve to be put in prison--for life....and....you can still shine a light from there, too. It's needed in those places, too....especially so....
I am writing this all from my soul's perspective.
I see myself as the sole creator, experiencer and perceiver of my own world. Like a virtual reality game, the energy field around and within me, belongs to and is in service only to myself; and its manifestation is dependent upon how limited the consciousness is that I radiate out. If I feel I am a Little Human puppet on the string of some other being and stuck in a frightening and cruel world where I'm just going through motions, trying to survive, trying to have enough--well, that's the kind of world I get to experience.
....and....I KNOW there is so much more to me, to you, to all of us....and that we are ALL here helping to build a bridge out of that old barbaric perception into a world more merciful, graceful, more authentically aligned with who we all truly are....
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