"Why are you alive?
Do you know why, or are you letting others decide for you?"
Lee Harris asked this very provocative question in his recent November, 2022, Energy Update.
It got me feeling into why I am here and staying, and what is it that I'm wanting to experience in this last lifetime? These are the memories and impressions that have been flowing through my awareness ever since I asked myself what I'm still here for:
My favorite childhood memories are of my family and friends and passers-through sitting around our kitchen table telling stories of their experiences, and there would be so much laughter that I hated having to go to bed, for fear of missing out on something fun.
Then in the early 1990s, when I dived into the conspiracy realms that caused me to read the Christian Bible in search of a spiritual life vest, I would return to my hometown and its local restaurant to sit in a booth with my brothers and sister, my mom and dad, and friends; and we started talking about what I now see were spiritual realizations, near-death experiences, and self-sovereignty ideas, and what those looked like in our individual lives. We discussed books and reading material that definitely wasn't mainstream. I loved those moments! That restaurant is now closed and, along with my parents, one of my dear biological brothers has passed, as have many of the friends with whom I visited there. I was one of the younger ones.
That era morphed into the start of the Millenium, where I discovered channeled entities like the ascended masters: Tobias, Adamus Saint-Germain and Kuthumi Lal Singh. These channeled beings resonated the most harmoniously with me because they all had been in the human form when they had their realizations of who they really were. They had first-hand experience of what I was going through, and I have always loved hearing their personal stories.
I'm done playing the role of Student
I was an A-student in most of my schooling, but I probably wouldn't be so much so these days. I hit burn-out in college while trying to continue learning what others considered facts, so I never earned a degree. I hit a roadblock where regurgitating something a teacher lectured on in front of a classroom got really old and stale and suffocating. The memorization and organizational abilities I once exhibited--qualities that instructors appreciated--suddenly flew out the window. None of what I studied anymore mattered enough to me to even attempt to retain it. I couldn't envision, much less feel, myself in any of the careers I attempted to make myself fit into--a landscape designer, an elementary teacher, a massage therapist.
With that said, while I eagerly participated in, and financially supported, the shouds of the Crimson Circle and resonated so deeply with the ideas and tools they shared to help make life a bit easier to take, I found myself still feeling a bit on the outside looking in. I found they were challenging my sense of self-sovereignty and embodied mastery, not so much in the shouds, but when I would occasionally sign up for one of their workshops or classes.
The first SES, or sexual energy school workshop offered by Tobias through the Crimson Circle required attendees to submit an application for it, and they wanted "professionals" in that first workshop in order to lend it more credence to the outer world. By no means was I a formally educated expert, but I did have my own profound realizations surrounding the sexual energy virus prior to finding the Crimson Circle. I chose to not even bother applying. Maybe I would have gotten accepted, maybe not. I still haven't done that class, and because of that I can't get into their other deeper workshops.
Someone telling me, "'You're wrong and that's no way to be," rankles the hell out of me.
Then, in the intros to all of the CC classes I did subscribe to, it was firmly stated that this DVD I paid for could not be passed along to others--that it was "Just Wrong" to share it with anyone other than myself. Now that most of the classes are streamed from the Cloud, it's not even an issue--I watch it and forget it's even on my computer--but I've never purchased another type of CD or DVD and felt I couldn't give it to someone else when I was done with it. To me, it was like passing along a book that I enjoyed so much I wanted to share the experience of it with another.
It was the basic idea that I was being told what was the wrong way to be--that's what stuck in my craw. It's too similar to a parent tape reeling around in my head, my dad saying, "Pen, that's selfish--that's no way to be."
Tobias literally stated, "You've never done anything wrong, ever." And yet....
I'm done waiting for others
When we were encouraged to give ourselves the Master diploma, some Shaumbra took their sweet time in procrastinating over it. I grabbed it and set off, but others didn't, and so much of the shoud's focus became on getting those others to claim their own mastery. I was embracing my mastery but it felt like I was still being treated as a student. Beings I still wanted the comfort of feeling like I wasn't alone, I continued to participate and be a part of their Angel program until it just no longer seemed a good fit for me either.
I took a break from the Crimson Circle for a few years. In the meantime, their focus seemed to change, too. They were gearing up to making themselves more accessible and appealing and entertaining to the newbies. I have recently begun participating and paying for the monthly Shouds again, and I am enjoying the material and finding it insightful and helpful with the changing timescape that embodied mastery brings....and....I'm also realizing I'm still feeling like a bit of an outsider.
In summation, my beloved Crimson Circle family is turning out to be yet another stepping stone for me, though a very beloved one....They are on a mission which I feel myself once again veering off away from. They still are contributing hugely to ascended consciousness and living a life of embodied mastery--and I deeply admire and appreciate all they are doing...and....I seem to have put some issues between us that keeps me still feeling a bit separate, that I need to do this my way--and workshops and SES certifications and aspectology courses, or any of their other deeper workshops aren't meant for me to partake of.
I put Crimson Circle here to play out the role exactly the way I am experiencing them, though it's been a long and painfully difficult struggle within me to come to terms with not agreeing with someone I admire and appreciate and love so much. I know they agreed to do this for me so I'd quit trying to fit in, and instead find my own expression and bring forth my own creation....They haven't really betrayed me or let me down. By playing the part of failing me, they've helped me to open up and allow my own expression on the subject....so, thank you....
The Roundtable Discussions
I'm realizing with that "Why am I alive?" question that I have my own flavor of a contribution to make. It runs along similar lines in many ways....and....I have a different take on how to encourage self-sovereignty and embodied mastery: The Roundtable Discussions: Practicing Your Own Self-Sovereignty and Embodied Mastery. It's a safe and sacred place where we get to share and laugh with others about ourselves and all the wonders--and scrapes--life as a Divine Human has to offer.
I envision a small gathering of individuals interested in sharing their own stories of realization, and their practice of self-sovereignty and embodied mastery. Each person, without interruption, shares the story of an experience they had and the wisdom they personally gained from it. And with the technology we have, those discussions can be shared with a larger audience so humans can get exposed to, and accustomed to hearing the stories of how it looked and felt for others who've claimed their own mastery. So mastery is realized as being a natural and attainable state of being for every human.
The only prerequisites are that each person participating in the roundtable accepts total compassionate responsibility for their entire life, and that we honor one another's sovereignty. That means no victimhood whinings, no unsolicited advice, no "I'm going to heal you" agendas. No causes, no solicitations, no proselytizing, no processing tired old "Poor Me" or "But I'm Trying!" stories. You see, when you're the master you realize there is nothing to fix or heal.
If anyone has any comments to make afterwards, it would be a recommended guideline that it be a realization that the shared story inspired within themselves.
We are not a support group either, where the focus is on how misunderstood we are by the world at large.
I'm not interested in empty, boring quotes or what somebody else taught you
A few weeks ago I had a couple of young women ring my doorbell. There they stood, bible marked and ready for them to read their quote to me. I used to just let the Jehovah Witnesses and the young Mormon missionaries who disturbed me in my home say their little spiel and then we'd part ways as I pasted a tolerating grin on my face. This time I allowed myself to smile and tell them I wasn't interested. End of interaction.
But I've always had this accompanying thought that I never let myself say, "I'd rather hear your personal stories and the wisdom you gained from those experiences. This other stuff--basically regurgitation of someone else's words, ideas and perceptions of the world--B-O-R-I-N-G! I am interested in you, your life, and what you've discovered about yourself here."
I have no desire to teach or be somebody's guru that hands out a bunch of convoluted rules and rituals to practice. That crap never worked for me. I don't mentally visualize or meditate or pray. I'm very practical about conscious awareness--a spirit having a human vessel experience in order to know itself better--and I choose to live it out as my daily practice, using the tools I've found helpful along the way.
So, why am I alive? One of the greatest contributions I have to offer by staying here is that I appreciate the gifts of being that I am, that we all are, always, in all our ways. I view life on this Earth from a very broad perspective....and I live that out, moment by moment....
Most of all, I feel it would be great fun for me to swap some stories over beverages and biscuits, and have some great, I-almost-peed-my-pants laughs....
Related Posts:
"Once upon a time I GAVE MYSELF this experience....": I'm Nobody's Victim
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