Stories, Stories--Everything's a Story

https://twitter.com/compose/articles/edit/1767948254438735872

I am now also writing and posting all my articles on X in support of Free Speech. Above is the link to this latest:

"Stories, Stories--Everything's a Story"

I started a community on X called Benevolent Revolution in order to invite others who've awakened to the more that we each and all are to share their own stories of what it was like to transition out of the old hypnosis and into the realization of the more true version of you. Currently, I'm its only member, but, hey, you've gotta start somewhere, right?

All the best,

The Benevolent Rebel

@binekpenny

 Stories, Stories—Everything's a Story

It was a much-loved 50-degree day in March in Minot, ND, and I was on the last leg of my walk home from my laps around the soccer park. I felt an extra spring in my step as I walked past our friends' and neighbors' homes. Memories circulated through my mind of a fun interaction that day with a lady friend who used to walk with me but couldn't in the past couple of years because of foot issues. She's one of those people who always brings a smile to me--she's just got that certain attitude about life that even if things are difficult, she finds the humor within to get herself through them. She brings candies for the staff to her doctor's appointments. She's simply a lovely, lovely being--always there to help out a neighbor, a loved one, a friend, even a stranger in need. And best of all--to have a hug and a laugh with.

Then there are some other beloved friends--a couple of cashiers, a guy who bags my groceries, and the samples lady who now works in the meat department at my grocery store. We have wonderful chats about life in general--perspectives on things, pets, what plans we have for the day or weekend, trips, favorite foods, coffees, recipes, how we plan to spend holidays. When spring comes, one of the cashiers works at the local greenhouse, and our chats turn into gardening ideas. I can get my groceries at other places way cheaper than there, but I choose to buy them from this store because of these people.

Unfortunately, it's this type of person who seldom makes the headlines of our news, and that's a sad commentary on what the majority of humans find attention-worthy. You see, I've found that the more attention I give to anything--doesn't matter if I deem it good or bad--I get more of it.

There are these amazing human angels all around us, quietly doing such grand work while seeming to go about fairly routine, even mundane, daily lives, and pretty much unaware of how amazing they truly are--what a gift they are to me in simply being. Unaware that their very consciousness makes the worlds of the lives they touch an even more wondrously beautiful and fun place.

As I made my way home, I had the profound realization that all of life here on Earth is a collection of stories. What happens in the stories doesn't really matter in the end because the details and pain are all distilled out--I've recognized that I don't remember the sensual feeling of the physical pains I experienced. Thankfully, I just remember the stories and only the gems of compassionate wisdom gained from them. This wisdom is acquired through living our lives out within our own creations as a human being. It's all that the soul--that the "I am" divine and eternal facet of us--cares about and retains.

So, we're all just creating and living out stories....

I LOVE stories! My favorite memories of growing up are sitting in my brothers' bedroom and hearing the tales they and their friends shared. Of course, they got even more exaggerated as the years went by, and those stories eventually became family memories and legends shared in the living room on holidays or get-togethers of some sort.

My brothers have such wonderful story-telling capabilities. I especially love the stories where they have no problem compromising their image if it can be turned into a good laugh.

For instance: I have a nephew named Heath who acquired the nickname, Beef, and he preferred that name when he was little because he connected it with being tough like roast beef. Oh, do I love that kid--and now he's all grown up with kids of his own, yet he let me know not so long ago, "Pen, those little boys you remember are still right here." This as he pointed to his chest.

Anyway, I digress. We were all at the graduation of my oldest nephew, milling around, a few of us hanging out on the stairs, when my brother, Uncle Tim says to Heath, "I hear you like to be called Beef." Then Tim gets this macho swagger of a stance, head-nodding, chin-in-the-air cool attitude, and sniffs with his lower lip out a bit more than the upper, "Ye-ep! They call me chicken." There he stands, proud as a peacock.

Oh, the roars of laughter as we sat around the kitchen table when friends and neighbors, old and new, and extended family members dropped in for a visit. I never wanted to go to bed when we had guests at night for fear of missing out on something fun.

And the man I partnered with--his sense of humor is one of the main things that attracted me to him and continues to do so. Innuendo is a favorite pastime of ours. Plus, we've been together long enough that we think the same and often find ourselves having the same thought out of the blue at the same time. That's always good for a shared chuckle.

The importance of open communication....

I've realized communication is key in any relationship story, and my husband and I have definitely improved in that area. I've recognized how vulnerable I feel when stating and standing in my own truth, but also now see and empathetically feel that in him and others, too. None of us is really out to hurt one another. We've just got a guard put up because of feeling so naked and not wanting to be rejected or hurt. 

The gift of having been in a marriage is that I learned to honor each of us as sovereign beings and to not only recognize, but also celebrate the different beauty of our individual paths. I learned to quit trying to guide and fix what I perceived as something he was doing wrong, and to embrace that his life was his own gift to live out. We can share tools and things we've realized for ourselves, but we don't try to force these things upon the other. It's a whole lot less hassle and burden and worry. And if I can do that with someone I'm close to, then it's easier to do with anyone else.

There is a freeing and flowing sense of being when I make it a point to drop my armor, to shut off my own thoughts about how right I think I am and quit trying to dominate our conversations; and instead, actually listen to what he has to say. When I can do that, I've come to realize we understand and often agree with one another more than I gave us credit for. He just has a different way of expressing the same ideas based on his own unique experiences. In short, we have less arguments and more fun times together.

I'm ready to write new kinds of stories....

I often dream of, I've actually even started writing, my own novel. I love music so I can feel it eventually evolving into a musical. But while I desire to make it relatable with other humans, I have no interest in writing the same old, same old story that's been told over and over ad nauseum with humans having issues with diseases, drugs, sex, alcohol or any other abuses or relationship dramas. Have you noticed that all the series written for TV have plots similar to the headlines in the news? You can tell what general year one was written by what stories were happening in so-called real life.

Then I watch people around me make those plot lines their own truth because they've accepted it as "this is just the way life is." And, frankly, I don't relate to people with addictions. Contrary to how my peers in the 1970s and 80s are portrayed, I didn't do drugs of any kind. None of it appealed to me. While I like a glass of wine or beer or maybe even a bit of whiskey once in a while, I don't feel the desire to drink it every night like I'm seeing plastered all over the shows and on t-shirts. It's not the way I grew up, nor is it a routine I care to make my own. Watching the use of substances to cope, escape, or get a buzz on to party more heartily, or seeing someone, with an obvious agenda, manipulating others is not entertaining for me. "Reality" TV is a waste of my time.

If you like that, that's just fine--please enjoy yourself. It's your life to do with as suits you. I'm just saying out loud what appeals to me, and that what's seen on TV or in the movies is not necessarily a true representation of everyone in society--possibly not even most people. But some often claim that as their own narrative.

I'm looking for something more--something magical and new. Something where there may be some dark night tunnels of the soul, some mystery or puzzle to solve, but it has great humor sprinkled in with the tears and fears and colorful characters--and always has a light at the end. I love uplifting sagas--not that commentary on the state of the world crap someone's deemed classic just because it leaves one feeling depressed and hopeless about the world we live in. I have to ask--what was the purpose in writing something like that? To me, that's not art--not really. It's someone succumbing to the whole victimhood identity and trying to bring the rest of the world down with them. It's a manipulative power-play--an energy sucker.

Ultimately, I perceive us ALL as divine and loving beings, regardless of the roles we act out here in our Earthly plays.

I like happy endings--a resolution that's a win-win, even for those who played the bad guy or bad lady parts. Most of the stories today either kill them off or put them away. They seldom show the villain awakening and sincerely having a change of heart and opening up to becoming the more that I've realized we all are. What if they were just volunteering to act out that badass role out of love for us, as fellow divine beings pretending to be just little humans? So that through all these stories, we get to discover all there is to learn about oneself and how our own energy fields serve each of us?

My best moments have been when someone approaches me and tells me that my presence brings a sense of ease or grace or joy to their own life. They've noticed me.... and....they took the time to tell me so....

I know many wonderful people who seek to live lives of cooperating peacefully with their fellow humans, and they are the ones who look for things we all have in common--not that which separates us even further. They aren't out to stoke the fires that keep everyone divided. This type of attitude is what will keep us from creating the very real possibly of another civil war in our beloved homeland--in our beloved world at large. Our greater community tales become the types of stories we nurture in our personal lives. 

Also, I've lived in the Upper Midwest of the United States of America for most of my life so really the only religions I've had much experience with are the many versions of the Christian faith. Around the time of the millennium, I read a book titled "The Urantia Book." It gave an overview on the origins of the various religions, and I could see that at the core of each there was a message that rang true with me. I don't practice any religion--I'm all about conscious awareness--but I appreciate all of them as being an important stepping-stone to the more that I know we all are.

I have lived a lifetime or two as a Bible-thumping Holy roller, who preached Hell and damnation for sinning humans who didn't come around to her way of thinking.... So, this isn't meant to provoke any arguments.

People are reflections of the type of god they worship, and if their god is a judgmental one--oofta!--they are often the most judgmental, condemning, and Un Christ-like people to associate with. I hear all kinds of stories of how undeserving someone is if the Holy Roller I'm talking with doesn't like that person. 

What pisses me off is that this preacher-type personality is so deep into her hypnosis that she insists on trying to proselytize me into taking on her own stories of trying-to-stay-out-of-Hell terror. I'm perceived as an unworthy, born in sin, heathen she's trying to get whipped into shape, so I don't end up burning eternally. The preaching at me gets old quickly. These types are not fun to be with. Nor are they in any way uplifting....

And.... then I have to step outside of myself and just laugh at the scene we're acting out together. I realize them being just the way they are has given me this insight into myself:

I'm more apt to actively listen to a story than I am to a lecture on how to be, what to think, how to feel.... 

And.... It's a waste of my own breath and our time to try to convince anyone else that they should be according to what I deem is worthy and right.

Part of me grieves at not having been able to openly share with the glass-half-empty lecturer in a more light-hearted manner--like we missed out on another grand opportunity for something more satisfying--for myself, for both of us.... but, unless they're willing to open up, we'll just disconnect for now....

It's your story--have at it. I no longer feel the need or desire to try to convince, fix, or change you to my idea of what's right. I'm done with the whole dinkin' around in stuff that isn't my business thing.

I know I unconditionally love these preachy individuals anyway, even though I may not like them in the roles they are currently playing out for me. I accept them where and as they are, always wishing them the best in life--and that's reassuring to know I feel that way--that I'm not putting the responsibility on some god-like entity outside of me to love them. I choose to love them, no matter what. Just as I've come to love myself, no matter what. After all, we're all just playing out stories to our hearts' content.... and we can come and go from each other's plots as we see fit.

I envision a different story, where we are thanking--with sincerity--the people whose lives touch our own, like those I mentioned at the beginning....

It was on that walk yesterday--by the way, I meet the most wonderful people, pets and wild animals and birds on my walks--that I realized I've been writing, casting, acting, directing and experiencing my own created stories my entire life--all of them starting from within. Not only do we plot, write, and create a story--we also immerse into them in a gritty, sensual way, and we can determine where the story goes while we're living them. And--our attitude (grudge or gratitude) has everything to do with what we draw to ourselves. What an amazing gift....

I can choose to actively participate in the development of my life story. Pick the elements that resonate and appeal to me, or I can sit in the rollercoaster car and pretend to play the victim who just has to endure, who has to cope with whatever some entity or other person throws my way.

We don't have a destiny written in stone here--we have FREE CHOICE even if we came here with a purpose in mind, made on the other side of the veil, about what we hope to experience in this particular lifetime. We can make alterations to it while we're living it out. We don't have to maintain an already-established identity--especially if it no longer serves us and our movement into being the something more than the little human we once thought was all we were. Even the bad guys can become good.

We can choose to change.... and that often starts by opening to changing your perspective--opening up to seeing things from different angles, through different lenses--and not being so damned determined to be right, no matter what the cost....

The beauty is, as a human, we can plot and plan our stories down to the tiniest detail, but there is always going to probably be some aspect of ourselves that we are unaware of that can throw in a surprising twist--and I love those kinds of stories....

and.... here I am, getting to be in it, to participate in its creation along with my divine facet, and to sensually experience it from start to finish, however and if, I choose....

All the best, my beloved Humanity, as you create and live out your own stories, and thank you for being a part, in all ways, of mine....

The Benevolent Rebel

I have created a community on X called "Benevolent Revolution," 

I choose to create a safe and sacred space that nurtures open communication among us human beings--a space that seeks to enhance our awareness of the things we have in common. A place that unites us, no matter who we are or where we live.

I invite you to share your stories here of awakening into the more that you are. what it's like, any situations that led to an Ah-Ha! of personal realization. Sharing our stories helps all of us to feel seen, heard, supported and encouraged.... and to laugh....

Let's dwell in hope as we escort our beloved world into a new and broader spectrum of experiences now available to all of us as more conscious beings growing into deeper understandings of who we each and all are....and celebrating the joy and all the wisdom gained from playing together within our own sovereign creations!

I So look forward to reading and hearing all your stories!

You Get Old, Lose Your Mind, Fall Apart, and then You Die....Or Do You???

This big ah-ha of a realization was brought to me compliments of a little elderly lady with dementia and a peeing cat.

Believing you're a Little, Just-Trying-to-Survive Human at the whim of a big, bad world....and the words,"I don't want to be a burden."

"I don't want to be a burden," says the nice little elderly lady--as though she has no choice in the matter. She repeats that phrase over and over like a mantra whenever she's asked if she likes where she's living or if she wants to change it.  

Her every choice is pretty much given over voluntarily by her to someone else when it comes to taking responsibility for her own well-being. She's checked out from this reality. She has to be reminded to bathe, and often one has to insist on it and make sure she actually does it. She's frequently back reliving her childhood and acting like the kid she once was. It's especially noticeable when she's asked to do dishes or some chore she'd rather not perform. Dishes get banged around, or she runs and hides in her room when groceries need to be brought in. 

She truly is a lovely lady with a fun sense of humor when she's present in her body. And she's pretty easy to please and pleasant most of the time, but like all of us humans, she has her moments when she's not much fun to be around. The naughties take over for a bit. Then there is the sentiment that, well, she's lived to get this old so she's allowed to get away with crap that you wouldn't put up with from someone younger. But when you're the one dealing with the behavior, it's a whole different story and feeling, and that idea just ends up being a guilt-trip no one needs to take. Especially when you're doing your best to do right by a loved one. You may be feeling angry--and rightly, understandably so.

She may insist she doesn't want to be a burden, and being the polite and loving caretakers she has around her, everyone rushes in to reassure her she's not being a burden. But the truth is, she is a burden for whoever has taken it upon themselves to take care of her....

She is so dependent upon someone else that you can't leave her sight. It's hard to get away for some much-needed time apart from anyone else in order to keep one's own energies free and flowing. We all need that--time to clear our own stuff out and free ourselves of having to think about the needs of someone else.

I watched a rerun of an episode of The Golden Girls and observed one of the characters, a senior woman living in a homeless shelter, lamenting about not having a choice and just bearing with whatever life brought her. Life getting old was just a series of disappointments, according to her take on it. There was no gratitude emoted from her--just poor, pitiful me victimhood from a nice-sounding lady....and....I realized it was a commonly held belief that really no longer resonated with me. 

I saw a woman playing out a role of CHOOSING to pretend she was a powerless little human at the whim of some obscure puppet master called Life. She didn't perceive or value her own life as a gift....and so, she just created for herself more and more trauma and pain and loss.

BE your own solution, Pen....instead of Life's victim....

I choose to not be a burden--I am not going to do that to my loved ones....and I am fully committed to that choice. 

I'm living my best life and gratefully taking care of this human life--The Experiencer--the gift to my soul that I am....

And when I'm done here, I'm walking out--no drama or trauma--just maybe a going away celebration to thank all my loved ones before I head off into other realms of exploration....

Trying to get someone else to accept my own ideas of what is right, playing the victim of someone else's choice--what a vicious cycle. Yet, it's so deeply programmed within every single human, down to our very cells--that this is just the way life is--that most of the time we're unaware we're letting it run our own lives.

No amount of do-gooding on my part can change the story of someone who is choosing to play victim to anyone or anything. It won't work. You can't heal someone intent on staying in an imbalanced form--whether it's a disease or a relationship or a state of being. And no matter how dire the circumstances, a CREATOR CHOICE is actually being made by the individual experiencing it, though they are most likely completely unaware of it. So, even not wanting to be a burden is actually a choice being made--wanting--being the key word.

Wanting and Choosing are two very different words. Feel into each one:

Wanting states that it isn't an experience you're currently having. It may be a potential out there, but it's elusive--you can't quite get it into full manifestation. It can even go so far as being something you can never attain. You're left wanting....you're left "in limbo." Just hanging out, nowhere to go....and so you don't. "I'm in limbo." is another statement often made by our dementia lady, as she waits for someone to tell her where she's going to live. She's been in the same place over 18 months, but to her, it's only been a week or two.

"I want...." also has a victimy whine to it--a defeatist attitude, if you will.

But choosing--now, that's a master's word. That's an I'm taking a conscious action word. It's a potential right here at hand, and I'm picking it and doing it. I am creating the life I choose to live--I'm done playing the role of being its victim.

That is how the Survival of the Fittest hypnosis is--you quack like a duck because you believe you're a duck. And that becomes the status quo of your life, where nothing much changes, until it's your time to NATURALLY awaken to the truth of who you really are. Then you begin to question all those once-accepted suggestions about how life is. That passionate knowingness deep within you springs to life, certain and singing, "I am so much more....I JUST KNOW IT!"

A slow grin starts to form on your lips as you imagine and contemplate new possibilities. And then you start literally waking up and living each new day according to that magnificent realization....I am the source, center, and creator of all my experiences--what a gift! What do I choose to experience today?

An itty-bitty little kitty taught me an important lesson on how to make a clear--and committed--choice based purely in love of all parties involved...

Who would have thought that the adoption of a 9-month old kitten could have created so much drama and trauma, and yet hold such a pearl of wisdom at its core?

Back in July, 2011, all I thought was that my husband had brought home a cat for me to take care of without consulting me first. He truly thought he was surprising me with a gift. 

I was hypnotically playing the role I CREATED of  "Victim of Husband Who Doesn't Listen to Her."

We already had two cats who got along famously--one of them was older, and I was afraid of him feeling like he was being replaced. Yeah, I know I projected my own feelings on my pet, but that's pretty much what humans do. I also was afraid there wasn't enough of me to go around to properly spend the time and attention with each cat as needed. It was actually a recurring nightmare with me. We'd had neighbors who had adopted three cats at different times and none of them got along. I just didn't want that upset in our home.

I was determined he would have to find some other home for her. I wasn't going to get attached. But when I'd go into the mud room where we had her separated from the other cats in order to get everyone used to one another, I'd sit on the toilet seat to visit with her, and this darling little thing would crawl up onto my lap and sweet-talk to me and gaze at me with such adoring eyes that my heart melted. She was mine--here to be with me, no matter the circumstances surrounding how she got here. Plus, she adored our eldest cat, Max, and on my three-cat escort down to the kitchen each morning she couldn't help herself--she'd throw her front paws around his neck as they walked. It was so cute and funny. Max wasn't so sure about this new kid, but he tolerated her.

And then...was that pee on her little pink princess cushion her previous owners had sent along with her? 

Indeed, it was....and for seven years I tried everything that occurred for me to try--from  burning sage to clear the energies in our house (she actually followed my brother from room to room as he burned the sage) to calming odor-emitting plug-ins, different litters, punishment by putting her outside for pottying where she shouldn't. She acted guilty and ashamed, but the story never changed. I tried getting mad at her, and then not getting mad at her. We'd get up each morning searching the house for pee spots, and I'd feel so embarrassed when someone would visit and I'd discover a spot and a smell that we'd missed. You know, you get desensitized after being in it for so long. I gave up trying to have rugs in the entryway, kitchen, or bathrooms--they were all an invitation for her to have a nice little wee on something that was easy on her declawed front paws. 

We didn't declaw her--her previous owners did that (most likely not knowing what they were actually doing to her)....and....I realized that is probably what brought on the peeing behavior because she acts out a poor little kitty show by limping out of the litter box room, especially when she doesn't have to go. The limp magically disappears when she hits the wool runner. A friend of mine told me about getting her Himalayan (same breed as our Bella) declawed like she had done with previous other cats without issue--but with that particular cat it changed its personality.

The limp has a legitimate basis for Bella because I see her favor it on cold services, but she also knows how to fake it in a bid to get sympathy. It's pretty cute to watch her act the part--and it was nothing I encouraged. She just knows how to work it.

I don't go in for declawing. I think it's inhumane--like removing fingernails from a human. You don't realize how much you use your nails until they're out of commission for some reason. Granted, our furniture looks like cats live here, but we're also finding that they have a tendency to leave microfiber alone and that's definitely influencing our next choice in furniture.

I made a choice to quit playing being the victim who wasn't listened to by whomever my finger was pointing at. Instead, I opened myself up to taking charge of my own life and experiencing something new.... 

Finally, January 2018 rolled around, and in the midst of Kel and I having yet another row over this frustratingly cute peeing machine, we both came to a clear realization and a mutual commitment that changed everything. 

He threatened to give her away for the umpteenth time when he saw how frustrated I was with her--with the whole situation. He felt bad and responsible and was just basically reacting from that emotional place. 

But this time I said and felt a clear, "NO!" An absolute ah-ha! came to me and solidified--giving her away was not an option I wanted to ever take. In that moment, I realized that she was family. She was our version of a child, and I said, "You don't give your bed-wetting child--someone you love unconditionally--away. You look for a way you can BOTH WIN! You do whatever it takes."

That perspective shifted everything....

This time, out of love for our cat and for ourselves, WE BOTH made the COMMITMENT to create a better life for ALL of us--and more importantly, we acted on that choice. 

We put that choice into actual, practical motion....

We decided to re-train her--using positive reinforcement and repetition. We united and made it our mission to make it work out. We brought a litter box up from the basement and put it in the mudroom along with a dish of cat food topped with a treat when she went in there. We put her in there morning, noon, night and middle of the night, and had her stay in there for five minutes at a time or until she went potty....and then we praised the daylights out of her. We all won when she went potty in the box.

Gradually, a new story emerged and she became a whole new kitty. She walks around with her tail up instead of slinking away and hiding. She hangs out with us throughout the day. She and Tiff love sharing DQ chicken strips with us. She knows that "picnic" means she gets to eat her wet chow outside when it's nice or inside by the furnace vent when it's cold. She now interacts and plays with Kelly, whereas, before, she was more exclusively my cat and was a bit wary around men. She waits for him to crawl into bed so she can have her special time with him, and she sleeps on him most of the night because I move around too much. She's such a fun little chatter-box--mewing at me sweetly when I clear a tickle in my throat. She knows to check the mud room for a treat which I often sneak in in order to get ahead of things. She'll saunter out licking her chops and I'll know I've been had. She'll go potty even if there aren't treats--it's become a bit of our time together. Our other cats like having company and compliments, too, while using the facilities.

She was hanging out by the storm door one day when our postman dropped off a package and he turned to tell me as he headed back to his truck, "Your cat is beautiful!" Needless to say, he's my favorite mail carrier.  

This past year I found Dr. Elsey's Cat Attract Litter for cats that have an aversion to using the litter box. By the way, that's the number one reason cats are given away. It has an earthy herbal scent similar to that found in the ground outside--and all our cats love it and use it. Bella even covers her stuff up now, something she seldom ever did before. The limp isn't appearing as often either.

Learning the importance of practicing loving gratitude for myself....

Leading up to the Apocalypse back on March 22, 2023, I've realized that I had committed to the choice of taking care of myself. I walk to flow energies and I stretch every morning now with a sensual joy of being in a body that I enjoy being in instead of hauling around in shame. When I stretch, it's not about over-doing it or simply going through the motions of an exercise. I'm feeling into myself and appreciating the sensations of muscles responding to my attention. I'm enjoying this new awareness and improving flexibility. 

FYI: It's just occurred to me while having a conversation with a friend about doing exercises that all the stretching I do on a consistent, daily basis--I do it all standing up! When my back was at its worst, the last thing I wanted to do was to get down on the floor to do exercises--it was too painful getting up and down from the floor. 

I found a simple Japanese towel exercise (also done standing up and is over with in 2 minutes) that I added in a few months back that's simple and easier to do than sit-ups--and has been way more effective in toning my adductor (abdominal) muscles. It places the organs back down in the pelvis--you get a rounded tummy from those muscles going lax, and your organs start floating upwards, pressing on your lungs and heart. I got my waistline back--and with ease by doing that exercise combined with glide-walking as taught by Esther Gokhale (Google "Primal Posture" and stretch-sitting--she has my utmost gratitude). I now understand core strengthening--I can feel it, and I no longer injure my back or limbs when shoveling or gardening, and my walks are once again a sensual joy of being in a body.

I cut down on the baking and the sweets and chips intake. I used to bake and not care to eat it, and I'm finally experiencing that once again. I also no longer crave potato chips like I used to. It's a joy to bake and share really tasty creations with others, but I no longer want to eat a whole batch of something--a taste is often enough. Sugar is not totally eliminated--we still have cappuccinos in the morning, but we left off the practice of afternoon coffee and snacks, and instead have supper earlier. We eat an apple and a clementine daily, and I make homemade Dutch oven bread which we toast and have for breakfast, along with homemade jam. I crave salads and fresh vegetables again. I don't follow any diet--I enjoy meat and beans and potatoes, too, as well as grains. I follow my intuition and just mix it up as I see fit.

I never used to eat as often or as much as I have in the past several years--I dived into mass consciousness and started taking on issues that weren't mine--and I put on weight in the process. It's finally coming off.

We even played a game of kickball with our friends about a month ago. Yes, I felt muscles I didn't know I had afterwards, but considering I've been here acting out Life in this vessel for 60 years, it wasn't too bad--and I look forward to doing it again. That and other fun physical activities and games that I haven't done since my back started releasing its old stories when I awakened.

I've gained a significant understanding now in how to create a life I choose to experience by practically acting on it. Acting on it gives it that little extra oomph needed to get my energies aligned--because I'm letting them know I'm committed to a choice, to a direction. I'm no longer wishy-washy and playing at being the victim of my own world, which in truth is, my own creation.

Our beloved Bella is currently curled up on my lap, helping me write her story about her amazing contribution to my understanding on how to make a clear, committed, creative choice....CREATORSHIP 101....The greatest realizations often come in the smallest, simplest moments and packages....and I am so grateful for this one! She's one of the greatest gifts and loves of my life....

I'm also feeling deeply grateful for the contributions from a fellow divine being who's currently playing out the role of little old, helpless lady having memory issues--all for me, just so I could get really clear and honest about some things....and make some different choices for myself....

I am that I am: Source, Center, Sovereign of This--MY DOMAIN!

 This is my domain!

It finally hit me full force this morning: I've been dinkin' around my entire life as if I'm the alien being here in my own damn creation! Poor little human me who just never fit into the world--wah, wah, wah. Blah, blah, bloody blah....what the hell??? I've whined about not fitting into my own damn created world! I insisted on playing the role of VICTIM in my own creation--a poor little meek--mostly nice-acting, and powerless victim at the whim and not much mercy of a bunch of power-playing neanderthals.

NO MORE playing the role of VICTIM!!! That's bullshit!

I am the SOVEREIGN here, on this, my planet--my own personal reality creation. And every single human is the source and center and creator sovereign of their own world/s, as well. It's all a matter of perception. I'm the ruler--the master here--and as such, I can kick out anyone or anything that does not resonate with me....so any malevolent bastard bit of plasma that I alone put into play in my domain: WAKE UP or get the FUCK out of my reality! You're all done here!

I am HERE to STAY!!! 

No more of that waffling around trying to decide if I want to stay or leave when I get tired of the power-playing illusion bullshit--it's MY world! I am here....and....I'm allowing myself ease and grace and abundant joy in being here!

And so it is....and so I am....

Releasing a Vow of Eternal Atonement

 "Release all vows."

It was probably one of the first shouds of Crimson Circle that I listened to, and it resonated deeply within me that, yes, it was important to release myself from any and all vows. In fact, I thought I did release myself from all of them, then and there. But little did I know that another life expression of my soul--The Dark Lady--had made a vow of eternal atonement, and she's still been sticking it to me even long after I became aware of her existence. I've been living according to her laws--which have kept me imprisoned, muffled, suppressed, banished, and shackled from living a true life of ease, grace and abundance. According to her, we were never going to be worthy of deserving anything better than hell on Earth.

That vow has influenced every breath I take in and breathe out into creative expression in this lifetime--and probably many others. It's reigned over my feelings and my demeanor in my daily life--I've been overly, deeply sensitive, and quick to feelings of guilt and shame, of unworthiness of existing at all....and....try as I might, I haven't completely freed myself from her shackles until today--at least a decade or more after I became aware of her in my life....

I know she did horrendous, abominable things (I have no desire to remember any of them)--things she later looked back on and cringed from in horror, deep agony, self-revulsion, and feeling punishments of any kind would never be enough to erase what she had done. She never wanted to DO THAT again, ever!!!!

And I realize more so now, today, that her victims back then are currently people and loved ones surrounding me in my present life. Some are even individuals in consciousness organizations with whom I resonate deeply. Some have caused me pain and made me feel less than. Her life experience and vow so permeated my life that I have been afraid of harming anyone to the extent that I'd take hits from people and turn the other cheek for another swat, and I'd empathize like there was no tomorrow. I'd soak up someone else's issue, taking it on as my own--and I've long known better than to do that. 

"That's no way to be, Pen!" How many times have I heard that? And it always brought up shame and guilt in me, even when I really had no reason to feel that way. All anyone had to do was suggest that an action I might take was "just wrong" and it would stab me to the core and there I'd be--just plain wrong. 

No one could do otherwise with me because of that Vow of Eternal Atonement that I had made in another lifetime altogether--a vow that I wasn't aware existed still--even long after I'd thought I'd released all vows!

I'm no perfect specimen of a human being, but there were cases where I allowed others to say and do things to me that I really shouldn't have. But then, I was just coping the best way I knew how in those moments, just like we all do. Until we realize what's truly happening and that we can free ourselves to let the old laws and vows ALL GO. That we can make new choices. And that carrying those old burdens no longer serve us or anyone else.

All those moments and years of frustration, anger and disappointment I felt when those that mattered the most to me seemed to not care to hear me or truly value me--I felt totally invisible--it wasn't "them" doing anything at all. Absolutely no one did anything to me that I hadn't already scripted out for someone to role-play out for me. It was all me. It was all my energies in service to unrealized me. I didn't realize until yesterday that it was all that atoning aspect running the show, attracting to me things I didn't want to experience or feel.

As I feel into it more, I'm pretty certain the Dark Lady inflicted upon herself (and the rest of our soul expressions) a vow of banishment, as well. I felt myself shatter and scatter when participating in groups--even groups dealing with conscious awareness. I found it difficult to complete group projects or even my own artwork when done in a classroom setting. I could handle being in the peripheries, but being the center of attention just didn't work too well, no matter how much the human part of me fantasized about being a star. She'd played the power card in that lifetime and appropriately lost everything big-time, especially our sense of worthiness in even existing....

For anyone ever taking part in the barbaric insanity of torture, murder, vengeful mobs, riots, war: all that destruction of lives, homes, lands--when it's all said and done--you have to live with yourself, and I can tell you from my own experience from the Dark Lady's life that it ain't easy. The karma that comes back is at least ten times worse than what you put out....I made it that way for myself so I wouldn't be inclined in my unawakened state here as a human to do such things ever again. The price was too great. And that vow of eternal atonement was pure hell.

And....the only resolution or way free was to realize it was all just an act (temporary and not permanent)--a "Let's Pretend" game like young kids play out together while using wildly vivid imaginations.

That was the only perspective--my soul's viewpoint--that worked for me. The Dark Lady was immature and naive about this Earth game, and, like anyone ignorant of what she was getting into she just dived in with glee and thoroughly immersed into the role of insane Little Human on a power kick, completely unaware at the time of the consequences or ramifications.

I released myself from all laws and realized that the recurring dreams I had of not being able to find familiar and favorite pieces of clothing was that it was me letting go of some old laws that were obsolete for me....you feel kind of naked....

I've just recently made the choice to let all laws go--to free myself of all of them. And that's probably why I've made this new connection to the Dark Lady story. It made room for more clarity on why I've been feeling stuck even though I've recognized the wisdom gained through all these human experiences I've traversed through for my soul for most of the writings in this blog. She was so familiar I'd gotten used to her--like a worn-in, half-ways comfortable even, piece of clothing--and I could never fully seem to rid myself of her hold on me. In a twisted way, she was keeping me safe from myself.

I think I released myself from most vows and laws I'd made without having to know their specifics, but the fact that this was an eternal one--that was the clinker. It's suddenly hit that these are and always have been my energies in service to me. That I'm the only one that can un-create them. That if it's in my life, I put it there and I'm getting some sort of benefit from its existence in whatever way, shape or form (like another person wagging a finger at me, for example). I put it there--or some other life expression of my soul, in this case--and only I, the awakened master facet of my soul, can remove it.

There is nothing I have to mess with here....it's still sinking in--all the realizations and ramifications surrounding it are extensive. It's always been my own energies serving me by matching the consciousness I'm radiating out in the moment--this apology for existing by a role-playing Dark Lady who immersed so deeply into darkness that she went mad and did stuff she wished she'd never ever imagined at all....

And....I release myself from ALL Vows and Laws, eternal or otherwise....

I'm as benevolent as they come--I'm not going to harm anyone, including myself, ever again....I'm too aware now of who I truly am and how my energies are serving me....

The Greatest Fear of All: Being All Alone

 What if I am all there is?

I really thought that 199th post was my last one here. But since then, I've had a realization that being afraid of being alone is probably what got me into this whole mess in the first place. It's what got me down here on Earth pretending that I'm just a very limited little human for what's been eons of an illusion called time. I've realized that this one on ultimately feeling All Alone should actually be the final post, rounding the blog out to an even 200....

Realizing I'm all there is, realizing I can't go Home, is pretty much what I've been running from....

As I've said many times before, I've felt like I've been an observer most of my life--always on the outside looking in, not really belonging, not even really noticed by the rest of my world around me unless I could be used as a means to an end in some agenda. 

I realize that's pretty much how my divine facet--my own soul--must have felt when The Experiencer part of me forgot it was there. When I believed I was just some very-limited, little human speck trying to survive. And trying to be at least half-ways decent in the process.

All those lifetimes spent trying to make myself perfect for some entity out there I presumed was greater than myself. Back when I didn't realize my own soul was right here the whole time waiting for me to just reach that point of separation and naturally wake up from the I'm Just a Little Human Dream....

Q: "Who am I?"

A: I was whooshed through a tunnel of light and non-burning flame, pressure on my head, hair streaming behind me, and felt myself emerge into nothingness--a misty, gray void where I was aware of being, but I was formless as I "looked outward" into a vast space. I seemed to be the only one here, yet I wasn't afraid. Finally, I perceived a tiny bubble passing through....and then, a few more...

I have watched people around me seeking a mate, a best friend, or some group of people--a family, a circle of friends, a spiritual or religious organization, political party, business, etc.--with whom they felt a sense of belonging, of BEING SEEN as an important part to the larger whole. It was so damn easy to recognize this struggle in someone else and yet refuse to look at myself. Frankly, I was actually wanting the exact same thing all those others were. I just couldn't quite admit it to myself....

No matter how loosely formed a group is, the Sexual Energy Virus is going to sneak in there because of our natural tendency to focus on the outer world and try to manage it. That's what's happening within any group....

There is a group focused on consciousness that, for the most part, I felt was a safe and sacred space to be most of the time. But there have been a few moments through all the years I've connected with them where I felt unappreciated--actually unnoticed even--as the individual that I am. 

Being the cheerleader of everyone else out there and ultimately still feeling insignificant, unacknowledged, completely unseen....

I'd feel sincerely grateful and cheer the leading individuals in this organization on when something they did or said really resonated with me--and it often did, and was right in line with my own realizations of the moment--but my personal efforts of reaching out one-to-one was never reciprocated. I'd constantly tell myself it didn't matter, that being noticed wasn't my reason for reaching out....and....it actually did matter to me, and being noticed was at least one reason.... 

What I got for my financial and energetic support and my personal notes of thanks was an autographed Christmas card sent out en masse and a couple special channels for all of us as a group who donated on a recurring, scheduled monthly basis. I recognized that in the consciousness we were in, they needed the finances from donations and workshops to provide their special services to a growing number of people awakening around the world--and I fully supported that. I still do. But ultimately, it still lacked the personal fellowship I was looking for.

We humans want to both belong....and....

to be outstanding in that....

In retrospect, I see now that all I was ever seeking was meaningful personal interactions, and, realistically, the organization was never set up to be every individual's best friend. Their mission was always that of just letting all of us humans know we weren't alone, in that, while we each were lone, sovereign creator beings basically in our own worlds, there were others like us out there. 

Humans try everything in the book to see if we actually matter to anyone else in the world out there. We get sick--even chronically or terminally so--just to see if someone cares. And if someone actually does, it's strangely not enough either. Or those caregivers seem to get mad at you because of having to take time out to wait on you instead of living their own life. Go figure....

We bully and abuse others and we let ourselves be abused just to get some attention. We look for someone to commiserate with who has the same type of story going. Only they could possibly have a semblance of an understanding of what we're going through. But after awhile, even that gets old--at least, all of it does for me.

Social media "friendships"--it's turned out I can pretty much live happily without them....

The friendship I extended to some individuals on social media sites seemed to actually mean nothing to them. I seldom, if ever, got a response back from some of them, or if they did respond, it ended up being spam. 

I'd probably have more interaction with people if I invited more than the handful I currently have to be my friends. I just got so fed up with the whole social media experience by the time we got to the end of 2020, that I cancelled my accounts. I got picky about inviting too many followers when I rejoined Twitter (now X), when Musk bought it and made Free Speech the basis of its platform. I paid for a blue check to make my blog a bit more visible on X, to let myself say and publish whatever I want to say, but that's pretty much all it gets used for these days. For that, and for keeping an eye on the events of the world without getting too involved in any of it.

I left Facebook because it was all ads, biased narratives, and agenda-ridden; and it was used to provoke fights among friends and family. I watched as it was used as a platform to divide a nation, and a world. 

There were a couple people on there I once thought were actual friends, who never responded to my supportive or appreciative comments on their postings. The one-time interaction one of them had with me was to comment on my posting about the censoring of free speech. He said, "I don't know why people are so upset about 'facts.'" This, after another supposed mutual friend of ours turned me into FB's "fact-checking" fascists. 

Yep, that experience still rankles....You're sitting down visiting with your friends, having coffee--who invites a third party in to regulate and biasedly "fact-check" your conversation according to an opinion out there? Some friendship that is. That was started simply to divide and conquer, and I watched way too many people get sucked into ruining friendships. I haven't cared to interact with those individuals ever again. 

So much for social media being used to connect a world....some people just want to fight and argue and don't care about actually listening and interacting with joy and celebration of ourselves and each other....

Social Media--that one big group out there dependent upon technology.

So is the joy of social media for us little fishes in the huge ocean that is mass consciousness. It's pretty rare that most of us humans actually stand out in it. I'm not into branding or trying to play the latest role of "influencer." I don't vlog or much care to see myself on the screen. I'm making zero bucks writing this blog. 

Watching all these celebrities threatening to leave the USA if Trump gets elected--well, they're just silly and deluding themselves if they think that anyone else actually cares where they live. For me, if I've admired their work in the past, I suddenly find myself not wanting to watch or listen to anymore of their creations--past, present, or future. They've essentially ruined their own connection with me by going political. And those threatening X (to leave it or to sue it) for its free speech platform cause me to wonder what personal shame they're each trying to keep hidden. 

Social media didn't exist for most of my life, and it is essentially a reliance upon technology as a means of connecting. The question is, though, is it serving me by helping me to connect with my outer world the way I really desire to connect--to connect from the heart? Or am I just feeding and eating a diet of mass consciousness B.S.?

I rationalized people's not responding to my attempts to connect via social media or the internet by telling myself, "They're busy doing all this stuff. I don't want to waste their time. I don't want to take them away from doing their important work. I don't want to be a pain in the ass."

I've pretty much spent most of my life not wanting to be a burden in any way, shape or form--it's often had me spending way too much time guessing if I should reach out or not. Am I being an intrusive imposition to someone? It's an old, wounded aspect that's been running my life, and I'm feeling myself finally telling it, "Shut the effenheimer up, you tantrum-throwing, life-hogging little bastard!" It's cramping my enjoyment of my own life.

If I'm not worthy enough in my own perception of myself--if I have so little appreciation of myself in my own reality--then I'm certainly not going to get a sudden boost of gratitude and esteem from anyone or any group outside of me. And certainly not on social media. Because all of that out there is just a reflection of me interacting with myself. It's a conversation that's been on a loop in my head.

My internal narrative has to change to seeing that I'm really all there is--and if I'm not embracing that and celebrating that then no one else will either....

Whether it was a group or simply a relationship with one other person, I  ALWAYS found myself giving up at least a smidgen of an iota of my own sovereignty--and even a smidgen of an iota ended up feeling like too much....and....

that always ended up with me feeling all alone....even with others....

Someone in a group would come up with some project and we were told to jump on the supportive bandwagon because what "they" were doing represented all of us. That irked me, too. Where the hell was I in all of this? And, yes, in all transparency--if you're sensing some anger in me, you'd be right on. I have felt betrayed, and I've found myself leaving certain groups. Then returning. Then leaving again, returning again, and finally now letting it all go. Yep, for awhile, at various times throughout my relationships with others out there, I've been one pissed off Penny (this as I'm shaking my head, grinning at myself).

I sometimes felt lumped into one glob of humans that didn't represent where I was at the time--you know, like when the teacher punishes the whole class for the antics of one or a few students who didn't have any consideration for others. Whiners and complainers (squeaky wheels) would state something, saying they represented many of us others in the group--but it didn't represent me. Not really. 

I've just had it with somebody presuming they are, or that someone else is, speaking on my behalf. I am truly the only one who can represent or speak for myself....period. 

We may all be candles, but our individual light is the only of its kind: 

Don't blur me in with the others....

It's not in me to complain about something in a group when somebody else is at the forefront actively doing all the work and often taking the brunt of all the criticism. In fact, I've found myself defending those people, energetically protecting them. It's their prerogative to do however they see fit if they've gone to all the effort of creating an organization that reflects their own values and desires of being of service. I don't expect or want others to tip-toe around trying to please me.

Nor is it my place to judge anyone. While I sometimes do disagree with other's ideas, I know I can always leave and do my own thing. Whining in an attempt to control or manipulate others in order to get one's way--the sexual energy virus--is something I have zero tolerance for anymore.

And....I've recognized that ultimately this whole wanting to belong to an outer world--a group, even a family--is essentially the Sexual Energy Virus in a nutshell. We're trying to fit into an out-there world simply because we're afraid of being in here, all-seemingly-alone....

I don't really belong in any group....

In my own perception, I'm naturally always going to be at the forefront, standing out within myself, and being truly seen only by me, and only as much as I'll allow myself to see....

One thing I do appreciate about myself is, no matter what, regardless of whether someone's gifted me with something precious or something crap--I will always get to the sense of feeling gratitude for the experience because, even in the worst cases, I recognize that I gleaned some gem of wisdom from them. It's not always immediate, sometimes even taking years--but, ultimately, I'll always get to that place of grace....I know that without a doubt....

I'm realizing that maybe I should focus all that cheerleading of others on myself....

I could leave right now and no one would really care....life here will go on without missing a beat....

It's a sobering thought. One I've had many times through the years, especially in those moments of realizing that, in my world, I'm truly the only one who sees me and can fully appreciate my own life, my beingness, my highest perspectives....

No one else is really going to care about my leaving this world, because in their own world it's really only about themselves, too. For all of us it's about how that loss of someone else affects us--how we feel about our own life with and without them--if it does at all.

The old programmed hypnosis wants to kick in and chastise, "That's selfish! That's no way to be!" Yeah, well, it's been my realization that accusations like that only come from someone who's not really in touch with themselves or their own soul....

I really am all there is--it's just me and my soul and our wisdom gained from me playing in my own creations....

and....when I do go, my one-of-a-kind world--my reality as only I know it--goes with me....

Now that I realize I'm all alone can I be okay with that?

It's really what's been happening all along--I just refused to fully feel into it until I was truly ready.

All this time I've simply been terrified of being all alone. It's been THE ghost haunting my entire existence. And it went viral before I ever donned a human costume....

I closed up into a defensive ball, stopping the natural flow of my personal field of energies. Got all stuffed up, blocked off, out of kilter. Just like what happens with any physical cold or flu virus--I shut down. I stopped creating anything new while I battled with symptoms. I was focused out there trying to manage and wrangle with those outside mirrors of me--those often painful reflections that were only just showing me how I was being at odds within myself.

And just as with any of those physical viruses, once you get through it, you come out stronger, your immunity greater than it was going in.

I also gained something precious: a better, more appreciative understanding of myself--wisdom is what we call it....

I may be ALL there is....I may be A-LONE, sovereign creator--a pinpoint of consciousness aware of its existence, and playing in and with its own creations within its own energy field....and....I'm finally feeling like I'm okay with that....

I SEE ME and I feel GRATITUDE for being me in all my ways--dark and light and everything in-between--and to me, that's all that matters. I will always have a safe and sacred space with my soul, with its constantly-increasing wisdom, and with my entire body of consciousness, whatever form it takes. I will always be okay within my own personally created realities regardless of how the stories play out in them, even should I appear to die. I exist--eternally so....

I can pretend to be a part of a group and still find myself all alone....and that's okay....

I can still play in relationships with others, but the pressure is off regarding whether I'm seen or not by them. It just doesn't really matter, after all....because I always have All of ME....

Coming Full Circle, Going Quantum....

The mysteries I puzzled over for lifetimes have become "My Stories."

These are my stories of what it was like being in the mists, and then awakening from the I'm-just-a-little-human-puppet dream. Then came the experiencing of what that whole process was like as I unfolded into a brand new way of being--physically, emotionally, mentally and consciously (or what many humans think of as "spiritually").

I also realize this blog was my practice in trusting myself, my own inner knowingness about who I really am and what truly matters to me. It's turned out to be an auto-biography of a pretty average, ordinary-feeling human being who discovered she was so much more than she ever imagined....

And....I love, that eventually, every being will discover that for themselves, as well. No need to be saved at all....you'll naturally just remember when it's your time to remember....There is so much to celebrate about yourself--we are truly magnificent, courageous beings--every single one....

Feeling like an alien in your own world? Been through some dark nights of the soul?

The Good News is You are Awakening....

The difficult thing is you're going to lose everything, even your identity, as you release your burdens and move into realization, or enlightenment, because you're so much more than that story you've had playing out....

I've always felt like a bit of an outsider looking in. Then I experienced some Dark Night of the Soul moments where the beliefs I'd founded my life upon were falling apart, draining away like water through a sieve. At times it felt like I was hurtling through a tunnel trying to grab hold of something, anything that would give me some sense of balance, of stability--of safety--so I could stop and take a few good deep breaths before diving in some more.

I wouldn't personally discover Crimson Circle and other like-hearted people around the world called Shaumbra until 2004. However in 1999, is when Tobias put out the call to bring us all together. He helped us create a safe and sacred space to be after having spent much of our current lives feeling alone, like misfits struggling to simply survive in the belief systems of the world around us.

Ascended Master, Adamus St-Germain took over the Shouds of Crimson Circle in August of 2009, after Tobias left after his ten years of service to incarnate here with the explicit purpose of experiencing life on Earth as an embodied master. In his previous last incarnation, Tobias crossed over--"died"--shortly after his realization, after his consciousness opened and ascended.  So he didn't opt to go any further in that last lifetime, and this was his chance to return and to be here with the rest of us for this grand awakening of human consciousness around the planet.

When Tobias left, his main message was this: "Remember, you really never did anything wrong, ever...."

Believe you me--I needed to hear and truly understand that, as I was carrying around a whole lot of guilt, shame, misery and regret--and fear of harming anyone or anything.

The most difficult question of all:

"How do I cope with the evil I have done?"

This has been the question staring me in the heart my entire life, probably more than just this lifetime, probably most of my existence....it's haunted me....

I know this is all just an illusion--a "Let's Pretend" game where no harm is truly done. Yet, the hardest aspect for me to accept has been the realization of just how evil I or other life expressions of my soul could be in this grand illusion of a game. "How could you do that?" As I curl up into a ball of shame, deep regret, devastation and self-revulsion at the memories that I don't want to remember, I know it's the core energy of the concept many religions consider as all humans being "born in sin." Some imperfections feel awfully atrocious and hideous--and I don't like looking at them or reliving them ever again.

How do I handle living joyfully and abundantly knowing that I was capable of, and even committed, such horrendous acts? How do I live with that knowledge? Knowing that a cancer like that is a potential of experiences originating from within my own soul? Why did my soul allow me the freedom to fall that far, to shatter itself apart so immensely that some parts of it got so lost, so bloodthirsty, so power-hungry? So utterly broken and madly insane....

It feels worse than having been the victim in such stories. How did Judas live with betraying Jesus--an act that led to that horrific crucifixion? How did Paul live with having been the guy named Saul who persecuted so many Christians before he had his own realization of the Christ consciousness within? How do I live with having been The Dark Lady in that other lifetime of my soul? I've been bearing her branding on my cheek for all to see....

The only way of accepting and releasing the hard-to-contemplate acts that humans have committed is by realizing that some intrinsic part of me--of all of us--has always known that it's just a game where none of it truly matters....so no one did anything wrong ever--not really....

We were young beings, little kids throwing themselves into playing out stories of "Let's Pretend this, Let's Pretend that...." Poof! It's just an illusion of a story with good guys and bad guys....and....

Ultimately--because of courageously being immersed in so many points of perspective, from having played such a variety of roles of being limited in awareness of who we really are--WISDOM for my soul and for your soul has been gained....

All while remembering somewhere deep within ourselves that it's just a good acting job....

The thing is, all the self-doubt, all the self-unworthiness--all that stems from having played out those nightmarish roles, all done out of love for our own divinity. To help it understand who and what it is. And it's only my own soul that can truly help me come to terms with it....

Thank you, my beloved humanity....for everything....you discovered the concept of LOVE for all that is, for my own soul. To go to such lengths....

"I accept total responsibility for my entire life--all my experiences and all my perceptions...."

Adamus told us we couldn't go any further with him unless we stated and signed this statement: "I accept total responsibility for my entire life. (All my experiences. All my perceptions)."

The point was, that in order to go forward, we had to become aware of when we were feeling victimized, and learn how to shift our perspective or viewpoint around to see the gift we were discovering about oneself in someone or something attacking us. 

"If it's in my life, I alone put it there, and I am getting some benefit from it. No one is doing anything to me that I'm not allowing to happen in the first place. Thus, I am the ONLY one who can release myself from it--or basically choose to let it all go."

Adamus said having more energy come in to serve us meant that if we insisted on being the victim in our stories, then having MORE energy meant we were going to experience being the victim worse than ever before....We had to learn to release our stories and identities, and open up our personal energy fields--be vulnerable enough to let our energies flow freely instead of trying to control and monitor them. To quit holding them.

"Bring that which is hidden out into the Light...."

Adamus also told us it was time to come out of hiding--the Quantum Leap in planetary consciousness of 2007 meant we were safe now and wouldn't be tortured and martyred as we'd experienced in past lifetimes. It was the time now to let ourselves tell our stories, express our own truths--to practice trusting oneself enough to just lay it all out there. Let our own lights shine....

He told us to get creative and to let it flow in whatever means suited the individual. I had earlier used writing as a means to get to the core of a childhood shame. I had written my story and my perceptions and feelings down back in the late nineties; and I printed off a couple dozen copies and shared it with individuals I'd felt nudged to give it to to read. It was liberating. Around the time Adamus encouraged us to come out of hiding, I had a friend who'd started a blog, and that inspired me in learning how to create my own. Thus, my online journaling began. 

I made the commitment from the beginning to be honest with myself, first and foremost. And that I had to be authentic about how I was really feeling and about the thoughts that were going through my mind, along with being unconditionally accepting and compassionate with myself. I also had to take full responsibility for creating the experiences I was getting and for shifting my perspective around so I could see the gift of everything in my life in the moment at hand. Often that meant expanding my viewpoint out in order to see things from the broadest perspective of all--that of my soul. The human's perspective was too limited to be completely no-strings-attached accepting. Especially of myself.

I've been writing this blog for 14 years, beginning the 27th of August, this month, my first post being With this Body.... This final entry will be post number 199. Pretty hard to believe I've put down and published that many words....and....it was so much easier and authentic and graceful sharing my stories--my experiences and my perceptions of them--by blog, piece by piece, rather than getting it all into a single volume or book. It was so much less limiting this way. 

And writing those moments down--with all the good, bad, embarrassing, guilty, angry, happy, sad, high, low, scary, compassionate, etc. feelings I experienced in them--helped me more clearly see and appreciate everything I've experienced and realized as it unfolded for me....

There was the added bonus that I could write and publish immediately without going through an editor and publisher or a middle person who would have been more focused on marketing and creating something more for an audience rather than my own needs. 

Anger and Laughter make for brilliant partners when it comes to jogging loose stuck energies and then flowing them....

I used the blog as a safe and sacred space to allow myself to feel, express, and release anger in a manner causing no harm to anyone. Anger was one of the scariest and most painful emotions for me to allow, but writing it out all these years has gotten me to appreciate that it has a purpose, and can be used benevolently instead of violently.

The other day I got chastised for using "vulgar" language in my writing. He told me it was escapism. But I knew the person didn't understand where I was coming from--that a few cuss words never really hurt anyone and that I was using them as a means to release, and get flowing again, my own stuck energies. 

This person was used to holding in his anger and naughty words, even though you know we all feel or think them inside. He touched his chest when he told me he suppressed his anger, so when I saw that, I understood why he had difficulties with an issue called asthma. Anyway, knowing what I knew about him--he was a Christian--I knew I was taking myself off the pedestal of being a perfect human by giving him certain posts of mine to read. It hurt to be chewed out by him--to be perceived as less than....and....he still likes me anyway....

I love to laugh! So, when I found myself grinning and chuckling afterwards over my drama-queen antics in the "I'm so damn angry" department all these years, that was simply a delightful bonus. I've learned that probably the greatest spiritual gift of all is the ability to not take myself so seriously--to enjoy this as the game of "Let's Pretend We're Just Little Humans." Just laugh, Pen! Just laugh!

Clarity lasted because I wrote it down....

After blogging all these years, I can see my truths have gotten clearer, some even more expanded, as my understandings became more anchored here because I wrote them down. I discovered that truth shifts and flows, too, as my consciousness expanded beyond the old, and very limited, Little Human concepts. I've gone beyond the mental. beyond linearity and duality, and into quantum realization....

Step-by-step guide, or Stories?

If you were to ask me which type of reading or means of getting information I preferred, it would always be a story over a how-to guide. How-to's are full of boring stuff you have to find a way to store the information in a memory bank in the brain so as to retrieve it when needed. But tell me a story where the important stuff is central to it--and I'll remember it with ease. And I'll probably put it into practice if it resonates with me on some intrinsic level.

Saint or Imperfect Human?

It's always irked me when I read or watch stories that make their lead characters into these perfect humans who eat and exercise right, who are intellectuals who are so smart they can't be conned or tricked. 

Nor do I identify with characters who are addicts with inner demons of some kind who have habits intent on self-destruction. It gets tiresome watching someone using drinking, drugs, eating, or sexual abuse in order to run away from being honest with themselves, and then watch the inevitable downward spiral into deeper states of depression and worsening experiences. It's like Duh!--you expected a better outcome? 

I've never done illicit drugs, and I've been drunk to the point of heaving into a toilet and having the spins only once in my life. That was enough. Running away from myself, getting a buzz in order to have fun--it just wasn't my thing this time around. I do have a drink now and then when the mood hits, and generally one or two is all I care for.

Yet, give me an imperfect human everytime. Give me someone who's seeking to do their best even though sometimes you just shake your head at the bizarreness of what their version of best looks like. But give me that, and someone who's open to honestly sharing some of their deepest and darkest fears and actions--who takes absolute responsibility for their entire life, no excuses or rationalizations, and truly desires to change....and....I'll see the gem of the truly inspiring being they are, and I'll cheer them on and celebrate in their discovery of that within themselves.

Which would you rather have: A Standard of what is possible for you, or a Savior?

Since seeing the story of Jesus told on the big movie screen when I was just a child, and having my mom tell me that it--the crucifixion of Jesus--sadly really happened, I've been intrigued with knowing the full story of his life. Not just the few lines written in the "Holy Bible." In making him into "the only son of god and a savior for all mankind" his beautiful, freeing, and soul-uplifting messages were distorted and perverted, all in the name of a few blind-to-whom-they-truly-are, power-driven people trying to get control of the masses. 

While playing in the realm of this awesome and daunting gem of a planet, they were trying to get a sense of personal safety--trying to survive--by trying to manipulate their own outer world creations instead of setting them free. This is something we've all done. It's called the Sexual Energy Virus in consciousness. I, too, had to learn to take some good deep-down breaths, open, let go, receive, and flow....

I wanted to get to know that imperfect human Yeshua, as I now think of him, and learn how he managed to become so wise. Or was he always that way? He didn't seem like an egotistical intellectual or a mental analyst type. To me, his messages felt sincere and open--and real. I wanted to know everything I could about him and what his life was like, the beginning through to the end, because he seemed familiar to me. That scene of his awful death--I remember perceiving it as blood-red and dark when I was a kid--it's like I'd witnessed and felt it all personally. Like I'd been there.

I had the same feelings about the assassination of John F. Kennedy. I was born the year after....

My beloved United States of America began with 13 little colonies declaring their independence from a nation seeking to build a global empire. No other nations came rushing to their side to help them in their quest for autonomy. This is KEY, because some think that this country is obligated to step in and fight for freedom in other nations around the world--and we've been getting a lot of crap through the years because the United States was slow to get involved in the world wars. Should we be sending weapons and soldiers to other nations and messing around in your relationships, in your own communities when we're not fully aware of your culture? Or are you better served taking responsibility and handling it for yourselves?

In looking back, I'm glad no other nations came to our aid in our own revolution, because there is a great clarity and feeling with standing up for yourself--of being a Light Standard of Liberty rather than a Victim--and not being obligated to someone or any other nation outside of yourself.

One of the greatest tools to help me release myself from my stories of enemies--even tyrants or, in my case, politically corrupt officials--was to accept responsibility for having placed them in my reality in the first place. I took some suggestion flowing in consciousness that this is what I had to deal with because it was "real," and I made that suggestion my truth. Thus, I had some whoppers to fight and struggle with--to be a Victim of.

Our founders sought to establish a constitution that recognized the self-sovereignty of every individual. Granted, women and other races, at that point in time, were still not recognized in the limited consciousness of the world at large as being capable of self-sovereignty--but, hey, we had to start somewhere, right? And, growing pains and all, we're getting there. We had the courage to experiment with the idea of personal freedom and the pursuit of happiness, and we've come a long ways, considering we've been dealing with a tremendous learning curve. No one else had done it before this....

A leap in technology--AI (Artificial Intelligence) and robotics means a large human labor force will soon be obsolete. What are humans going to do then?

What will be the purpose of the human being if you no longer have to work hard and spend your days making a living going to a job? That whole belief system is coming to an end....and....the best way to move through that transformation more gracefully and easily is by going within, realizing your own freedom and sovereignty, your own creatorship, and to begin exploring the concept of alternative realities and creating anew from that foundation....

Energy is Communication

This blog is basically me learning how to commune with my own soul/divinity....

For so many years I sought to have a relationship with "god," and communication with that god seemed pretty elusive and not often enough for my needs. What I've come to realize is that my soul is not interested in proselytizing--it was never going to force my devotion to it. It's always been here, waiting in the wings, for me to hold out my hand to it and invite it here into my life as a co-creator with me. 

I am a pinpoint of consciousness aware that I exist....and....everything else is my own field of energy potentials in service solely to me....

So this is me--all my field of potential energies manifesting and arranging themselves in service to match whatever my I am! I exist! radiates out. We're communicating.,,,

Communication means listening as much, if not maybe more, as talking....

As long as I wanted to play with the stereo, surround-sound of my outer world blasting in my ears and distracting me away from it, my soul honored that free choice of its human being. Sometimes parties can be a whole lot of fun, but I found that when I really want to get to know another being, it's always best to visit one-on-one. We can really get to the good stuff. 

I can whine out loud to my soul....and....ultimately, I don't take myself too seriously in that aspect because there's always that part of me--the wise master--grinning at the fact that I know I put whatever was upsetting myself into play in my reality. 

The most wonderful thing with my soul is that it is always present when I choose to make the time and safe space for us to communicate and build our relationship. Walking on my own in nature, being with my beloved pets, gardening, doing mundane chores--those have been some of my favorite times communing with my soul and discovering the wisdom we gained from me, my human facet--The Experiencer.

Let these stories be a standard....and feel free to laugh with me at the stuff I got myself into....

You don't want me as a guru--nor do I want such a job. You don't want to be saved--that ends up being a prison for both parties. Just ask Jesus....

With that said, there has been a never-swerving knowingness within me, pretty much my entire life, that this true realization of freedom and self-sovereignty is meant for everyone, no matter their status, wealth, ethnicity, relationships, or beginnings or endings or in-betweens....

You ultimately allow this on your own, your own way. Others can encourage you and let you know you're not alone--that you're not the only one on this journey, maybe share some tools and stories we've found helpful for ourselves. Yet, none of us who've had our realization would spoil you experiencing your unique story by giving you answers that only you can truly answer for yourself. There is no substitute for having that passionate desire within that just drives you along no matter what happens....

Having come full circle, it feels appropriate to bring my blogging days to a close in order to make way for something truly brand new for me to create and experience. I'm going Quantum....

Blogging places one's most recent posts at the top, so if you want to read it from beginning to end like a book go to the archives section and start with 2009. The first blog, beginning August 27, 2009 is "With this Body," and the next is "Accepting Responsibility with Self-Compassion."

I discovered as the writing got more plentiful it was helpful to start organizing the posts according to the topic being most central to that post, so there are tabs for shortcuts to specific subject matter such as:

Self-Awareness Healing

Death

Love Stories

Dreamwalking

Sexual Energy Virus: Victim and Abuser

Old Belief Systems

Freedom & Sovereignty

Embodied Mastery

Words & Music

Favorite Recipes

There is some overlap in the tab materials. I placed the posts according to whatever whim struck me in the moment.

And so....I'll be seeing you....and....

All the best--always....

May passion, compassion, pure love, and laughter be your constant companions while you discover the joys, as I have, of realizing you've been dancing with your own soul....a life-loving dance....

And most of all, may you realize, as I did, that the absolute best stories of all are your own....

With love, gratitude and honor,

The Benevolent Rebel

The Up Side of Being Played a Fool

There's such a feeling of shame and embarrassment at having been someone's patsy. I've recently been there and done all of that.

I had the realization that all the "Theys" and all the "Yous" were actually my own personal field of energies in service to me, alone. I was the one who had made them my truth and put them into play in my world experience...and I put it out that I was receiving all of them--on social media!

The thing with opening oneself up completely to receiving all your energies and old-created aspects, you have to keep yourself totally vulnerable in order to flow them in so they can be returned to zero point--inactivated, neutralized--in order to be re-activated as something new. A creation more reflective of one's present, ascended consciousness. You're not supposed to judge any of it as bad or good energy--just breathe it all in because it's all one's own energies anyway. The key is to stay fully open to their return and release and keep them flowing.

The thing is, we've learned to call a lot of frustrating and rough experiences "bad" or "wrong," and those feelings can cause the experiencer to put up a guard or barrier in an attempt to prevent being in such awful situations again. It's called being "smart, intelligent, savvy." But that barrier is a highly creative consciousness radiation from within--and a person is suddenly feeling attacked because the energies in service to you read that barrier as an "I am choosing the experience of being attacked."

The Fool allows in energies the Intellectual would put a stop to.

The "Fool" in me recently helped me allow in some malevolent manifestations--energies that I put into play in my own life based on SUGGESTIONS of how it is and how you handle such things. It's only after I fully saw the experience through that I realized how "stupid" and "foolish" I'd been. You know how it's so easy to look back to see that I only saw what I wanted to see, even though there were blips, nudges, sometimes outright sirens sending out the beware of this--it's nasty, something's not quite right signals. But I did it anyway....and I'm pretty wise....

It's caused me a bit of concern--the biggest one being that I looked like an absolute fool to my world--an idiot. And all this writing and talk of mine about allowing my realization and self-mastery and the embodiment of Free Energy. One can be manipulated and abused for a time--and--the key is how to release oneself from that story when you want out, free and clear of it. I put it into play....

Now how do I get rid of it and move onto something new?

I've learned that trying to control and wrangle with a manifestation is a sure way of keeping myself occupied being imprisoned by it. The way out is to drop all the weapons and guards, breathe it in....but I've had eons of practice of trying to manipulate and control my outer world and inner feelings. Letting go and letting my soul is a whole new approach and PRACTICE....it's a way of life I'm going to have to get used to repeating until it's as automatic as the former....

I've realized with all of this that life in all its messiness is still going to happen for me--even in my own mastery I'm going to find myself in scrapes and conundrums. I just will get more practiced at letting them go and not being stuck in them or suffering.

As for the Fool that I am--the more I'm sitting with this, the more I'm appreciating her, actually rather liking her....because, you see....she's open and very loving, always looking for the best in people and beings even when they aren't behaving that way....

and....Man, can she open to, and flow, the energies!

I'd rather live and die a laughing and loving fool than be a grumpy cynic who was always guarded, closed in, "intelligently" looking for the worst....

Related Post on using the "And" Tool:

Quit using the words "Try" and "But": You're More than That