True Freedom: Can I Handle It?

 Do I want the responsibility of truly being free?

A late friend of my dad's was a guest of one of the princes of Saudi Arabia back in the mid-to-late-seventies. At that time my parents considered moving us there while my dad helped the Saudis establish their own farms using irrigation systems, but after researching the idea my dad and his partner discovered that financially it was too costly--that they could import less expensively than produce their own. Farming is very dependent upon the weather--my family watched many a glorious crop disappear in the blink of an eye, whether it was hail or grasshoppers, or army worms, rust or some other disease or weed; or no crop at all due to drought. 

Anyway, I remember this friend of dad's telling me that the prince had offered his people the chance of freedom beyond the class system that was traditionally in place....and they didn't want it....

In 2004 I discovered a group called Crimson Circle. I didn't tell a lot of my friends about it because it was channeling, and frankly, most people weren't open to that, especially at that time. Geoffrey Hoppe and his wife, Linda Benyo, first channeled Tobias--an ascended master from long before the times of Yeshua (Jesus). I discovered some things about myself when my dad died back in 2003, and these channels resonated with that experience and those realizations. 

No religious organizations or academic institutions were addressing these types of things or the profound questions I had. But these people constantly reiterated to me to go within to discover my true self. To trust myself to have all my answers, and take up my mantle of self-sovereignty and freedom. To take full responsibility for the creatorship of my own realities and how I perceived them--instead of playing at being the victim of a harsh and cruel world at the mercy of someone or something other than me. To realize that the experiences I attracted to myself depended on the consciousness I radiated out to the field of energies that served only me.

Adamus is the current ascended master being channeled by Geoff. He's a facet of the soul of Saint-Germain, who was an embodied master in the 18th century. In that lifetime, he worked with many heads of state in Europe, trying to introduce to the people the idea of freedom and personal sovereignty. Of course, the ruling royal families of the time didn't want to give up the power and control, but astonishingly, the serfs and peasants didn't want the responsibility of their own freedom either.... 

That's why the whole freedom experiment was brought to America. There was no class system here yet. But even we Americans don't have a clue about what it means to be truly free....

The Basic Tenet of Power: In order for me to win, someone else must lose.

There is only room for one on the pyramid peak of power--everyone else has to be dropped down a few notches.

Friendly competition is one thing, but when it becomes a monopoly where everyone else is wiped out, that's power and control at its zenith....and....eventually every giant gets knocked down and replaced by someone newer, stronger, more famous, more beautiful, richer....and that cycles on and on and on....

Freedom and Power cannot co-exist.

I am the only true representative of my sovereignty--this, my domain. All other government officials or any individuals who would try to dictate the actions of others--they are playing the Power Game, and are not recognized by me as being of any significance in my world. 

Freedom doesn't mean I run roughshod over anyone else either. The power game illusion works both ways. Freedom means honoring the sovereignty of others, as well as my own.

It takes two to tango or tangle....to have a relationship

A bully is obsolete when he or she doesn't have anyone to victimize. Assume your sovereignty, live it out every moment--No one tells me how to be!.... Give up the pretense of being the victim, and the bully has nothing to sustain itself--no one is feeding it so it will go out of existence. It's all illusion--that whole power story. Death is not real. No one can actually shove you out of existence or take any of the energies from your own personal field of energy. Take a few deep-down into you breaths, feel into your true inherent freedom, into your true self that is so much more than a little human just trying to survive in the story of a cruel survival-of-the-fittest world.

Asleep humans don't know what to do with someone who shines their light--who has a clarity and awareness about who we each and all truly are beyond the old stories of this world.

I've finally personally realized that throughout my entire life I've had a very different awareness of this world compared to most of those around me. I didn't know it. I just thought it was common sense on my part and that most people would naturally see it the way I did. Some were drawn to me because they felt safe. Some liked to feed off my energies by literally dumping their frustrations in my lap. Some actually emotionally and verbally attacked me. Others tried to handle their own sense of unworthiness when around me by trying to make me feel unworthy. Some sought to look me in the eye, others avoided eye contact at all costs.

This realization at this depth has only hit me in the last month or so. It's liberating me from a prison I had myself in that I wasn't even aware was still here. My beloved human brothers and sisters--this stuff goes deep and there are many layers. We all have these experiences of our own personal creation--and I will acknowledge that there are some manifestations that happened even in my adulthood that I didn't know how to cope with--shame and guilt was still felt by me. When the worst of these things happened, I remember going into a trance-like state where I became more the observer than the participant.

I see now that I had so much conflict happening within me--a very empathetic, sensitive person--that it caused me to freeze, to allow things that I wouldn't have normally. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings because they were already desperate and on the edge, yet what I allowed them to do--to harm me--truly wasn't helping them either. But at the time, I coped the best way I knew how to--I left my body.

The only way I've managed to open the door on this one is to remember that all these human experiences are "Let's Pretend" acts from which all the details are separated away like chaff from the kernels of grain. Yep--I'm still imperfect--go figure! Ha! Ha!

Those acts are being done and allowed by scared, vulnerable-feeling humans who have no real idea of who we truly all are. After the experiences, on the other side of the Veil/River, the details are burned away--the energies transmuted and neutralized--while the germ of wisdom gained from the experience is retained and gifted to the soul.

In short, there are awful memories that truly can be forgiven, and then forever forgotten--but first you have to allow yourself to look at them with compassion and all-accepting love for you, the courageous human experiencer, who has been through all of it--the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful--out of love for All That Is, out of love for our own souls.

Self-sovereignty and Mastery 

You don't have to retain the memory because once you've garnered the wisdom, there is no need for re-enactment. You don't need to worry about holding onto the memory so it doesn't happen again. It's all done--once you've allowed your human self on this side of the Veil/River to recognize the wisdom gained. This, my beloveds, is mastery--everything is realized while still in human form on this side of the River Jordan, instead of after what humans think of as death.

Because I've looked at it all with this clarity and compassionate love for myself, I know it won't happen ever again. I'm too clear about things now, and that lets me relax and breathe easier.

A "Bring that which is hidden into the Light" moment:

When I began writing out this particular post a few days ago, I had no idea or plans to out my little secret up there. But in allowing myself to channel my true self, I see now that this post could not be written without it because I've gotten to the true core of the matter of power and the sexual energy virus--for me....

You see, I now fully recognize that my outer world reality is merely a reflection of what is going on within me. It's a mirror image of the relationship I have with myself and all the aspects I've ever created. The outer world that I perceive is actually ALL MY OWN FIELD OF ENERGIES SERVING ME!

I am my Bully....and....I am its Victim.

Only I can set myself free....and Only I can practice my freedom....

and choose to Do No Harm, nor Allow Harm to Myself....

Being free means I take full responsibility for myself--every single moment. It doesn't mean I get to demand from the outer world something I'm unwilling to do for myself. I, alone, am responsible for allowing my energies to manifest food and shelter and love and enjoyment of life for me. Dying soldiers and civilians do not set me free or ensure my liberty or my being fed and clothed. Blaming any others outside of me for my situation is a fruitless waste of my energy. If I'm in a situation, I put myself there, and I'm the only one who can take myself out of it.

I alone am the Source and Center of any reality I create. I  alone am the Sovereign of my domains/creations.

When I'm good within, about and with, myself--my outer world should reflect that.

There is no "they"....it's all me....

There is no one outside of myself that I need to free myself from--"they" are all my own energies in service to me. It's just a matter of letting go of old ideas about who and what I am and how my world works.

Oppressive governments, dictatorships, corrupt individuals or corporations, religious or educational institutions who want power and control over the masses--anyone who would tell me how to be--basically they are all aspects that I created. Just as those like Adamus Saint-Germain, Tobias, Kuthumi, Kryon, The Group from Espavo--anyone who inspires and encourages my embracing of my inherent freedom, self-sovereignty and creatorship--they are all aspects of me also.

All these aspects created from this lifetime and all other life expressions of my soul are coming in to integrate back into this current ascended body of consciousness. They are neutralizing (returning to zero point) so that they are available to serve me in a brand new way that is more fitting to who I realize I am now.

So it's about letting go of fighting and tangling with those outer manifestations and focusing on relaxing and allowing my energies to go through their shift and change in order to accommodate my more open, less-limited conscious awareness of myself. Yes, it looks and feels very chaotic because this is a quantum change, not linear. It's just a matter of maintaining this outlook through all of  the releasing, rearrangement, and rejuvenating of all my energies in my own personal field.

In short, I'm okay....and yes, I am ready for my true freedom and sovereignty....

I don't have to fix anyone or anything, or prepare for the worst....I am safe....and so is my own particular manifestation of the world....

So....we shall see....

Got Chops? Speaking Up for Myself: It's Both Uncomfortable and Liberating

Pretty much most of my life I've identified with being a practical, common sense-using, responsible, considerate person. I don't like confrontation and fighting, nor do I like to get angry. A common occurrence for me has been that someone flakes out on some sort of project, then I step in and just get it done or smooth things over, just because it's often less fuss and nonsense. It's less time-consuming than whining about the situation. 

Expecting perfection from everyone feels like a waste of my attention and energies. I often allow other humans their foibles because I know mistakes happen to all of us. One moment I'm present and aware. and the next I'm dreaming and off in another dimension, running a red light....and feeling so stupid and chagrinned afterward. 

And....I've finally learned to not beat myself up and hang onto that stuff. I'm doing my best. We're all doing our best, retarded as it may appear at times....

These last few months I've found myself in the darnedest situations. It seems I'm practicing the whole "stating my truth" (regardless of what someone else might think of me) and "standing up for myself" over and over again, in all different kinds of circumstances. And guess what? My initial reaction to many of these events is anger. Yep, blood-pumping, seeing red, How dare you mess with me! anger. I really don't like feeling that particular emotion....and....at the same time, it gets my juices flowing, so much so, that ultimately, I liberate myself from stupid old obsolete ways of being that really no longer serve me.

No more playing the role of Miss Dependable Doormat

Especially this past year, I've found myself letting go of causes. Being a part of any group seems to wane with time for me. I just end up going back to doing life my own way and letting go of feeling like I have to be responsible for other people and their chosen reality creations. Looking back, I can see where it was more of a way to connect and socialize with people than it was about the cause or idea.

I love people and interacting with them can often be fun....and....sometimes humans have a way of creating the same old story over and over, never making a choice to do anything differently even after being miserable in what they have going. Some people just love to fight with self-righteous abandon. All of that gets old very quickly. I've done enough of that on my own to where I'm letting go of my past and making different choices--at least attempting to see if I can get something new, something more enjoyable than what I had going before....all without trying to convince or change anyone else.

Alas, there are a lot of people steadfastly hanging onto their old perspectives and perceptions no matter what the cost, no matter that they aren't considering another's freedom to just be. Normally I choose to just distance myself from those people, and if they want my assistance, it's up to them to come to me and ask. But it gets stickier and harder when you live with them. Getting a bit of distance from those closest to you truly helps with the clarity, but sometimes even that feels tricky.

Which role do I play this time: Responsible Slack Picker-Upper or the Silly Flake?

This time I allowed myself to play both parts, and the Flake was especially liberating....

Despite adamantly stating last fall that I was not bringing someone into my home and playing the role of nursemaid and caregiver for them, this spring, I found myself doing that very thing. Another person who had told my husband to go ahead and make arrangements to move this 90-year-old woman out of assisted living in a city on the other side of the state and into her own small-town home flaked out the day before, said she couldn't do it.

So, there we were. I couldn't leave my husband unsupported, so we packed her up and moved her in with us for an indeterminate length of time. As her chosen power of attorney, he had to make arrangements to clean out and sell her old townhome, get her finances in order, and a new home found. I checked in with myself to see if I felt truly okay with allowing it, and it seemed like the best path in the moment. I figured my soul must have had a purpose for me in this.

She's a lovely lady, someone I admired and loved and appreciated, though she wasn't my relative. The clincher here is that she hasn't been staying embodied. Her short-term memory isn't there unless something happens that strikes her emotionally--usually in a negative way--and then it's as though it's forever stamped on her brain, and to be brought up with great clarity when she's feeling a bit on the naughty side.

She didn't want to be an imposition, but she really didn't make any effort to be helpful. Understandably so, it just didn't matter to her anymore. She'd have moments of clarity and realizing she needed to get her ducks in a row, but that's as far as any of it went. 

Sometimes when she'd come to after having been out in other dimensions, she'd think she was still in her old home, she'd have a scowl on her face and be a bit bossy and mean. Mostly, she just laid around, snacking all day long, telling me how kind I was to her. 

The worst part was I discovered I couldn't leave her alone, not even to go for a walk on my own. She'd slip out of her body and wouldn't remember me telling her where I planned to be, and then return and find herself afraid and disoriented. Plus, I didn't want to leave my cats alone with her. She wasn't a pet lover and was too unaware to make sure they didn't slip outside on her. My girls were amazing with her, however, and managed to keep her entertained even though she didn't want them touching her.

From the start, I told her that I was tickled to have the time with her, and that I was going to make the most of it. She wasn't the easiest person to cope with at first, but I allowed it because she was experiencing a huge change at a speed she hadn't known in the last two years of a pandemic shutdown. 

Not my circus, not my monkey, dammit!

After rearranging my life around her for seven weeks, and even finding myself clipping thickened claw-like smelly toenails (shudder), I realized I'd had my fill of the whole story. I consciously let myself immerse in the role of Silly Flake and she got me out of the zoo. This once tidy, mature woman who would have been repulsed with the idea, wasn't bathing properly either, and I was beginning to smell that on my furniture and in my own home, which is my safe and sacred space. 

She kept repeating, "You work so hard and I'm so lazy. You're so kind." It began to grate on my nerves because she absolutely made no effort to change anything about her circumstances. Being told I was being so kind was the same as being told I was so nice--it's a line energy suckers use--and this boob was effing done! 

Yep, I got angry. I didn't express it with her, but I let my husband know in no uncertain terms that I needed a break. Living to a ripe old age of 90 doesn't mean you get to have me wait on you, hand and foot, or boss me around. I wouldn't do that to another person. The only ones I let boss me around are my cats....

I found myself thankful that my parents died when they did. My mom was actually afraid of getting Alzheimer's or dementia, and being a burden to her loved ones. It felt way too soon to lose them, yet, they both crossed over with dignity and with their faculties and awareness intact.

Our guest really didn't want to be alive here anymore. Like Adamus Saint-Germain has said, the die/kill switch had been activated but the body and mind were still running through their established patterns. Her consciousness wasn't present in her body most of the time. She was off exploring other created dimensions. She didn't know she could just walk out of her body, stay out, and be done. And it didn't seem like I was supposed to say anything in that regard. It felt like I was dreamwalking her (helping her through a major transition not necessarily ending in death), allowing her her own chosen experience, and making sure she had a dignified exit instead of her dying alone in her home, only to be discovered maybe days later.

It all worked out. We got her affairs in order and her house sold--something that honestly would have been more complex and drawn out if we were having to work with her from a distance....and....I really didn't mind her company up until the point where suddenly I had enough of that experience and was done playing the role I had going.

We took her to stay with the person who originally planned to have her stay with her until a possible opening in an assisted living facility in town came about, though I don't think she could handle even that anymore--she needed closer supervision. After two weeks away, with me coming to the decision that my part was absolutely done, and her sister discovering that she liked having her with her, we left her there. 

There have been a few other events where I observed I was standing up for myself, sometimes a bit more vocally passionate than others. I used some "colorful" language that seemed appropriate for what was going on, and on those particular occasions it actually worked for me, though it felt as though I was stooping to the other person's limited level. But it seemed the only way to get the other person to hear me out rather than trying to mollify, placate, or talk down to me.

Other times, it was a system that failed because we are imperfect humans, after all, and humans unintentionally "make mistakes"--all of us. I get no enjoyment out of putting someone who's trying to help me on the spot--trying to serve the public is often the hardest job one can do. Yet, sometimes things fall through the cracks, and I found out I needed to speak up (this time I didn't need the colorful words) and give my version of the story so I wouldn't be unjustly held responsible for something I had nothing to do with--the loss of an item I had borrowed and had made certain I returned promptly. For me, it was a matter of honor. I would gladly pay to replace anything I borrowed and lost--if I was the one who lost it. 

After two weeks of fretting and then finally going in and stating my piece, two days later I received a phone call telling me they had found the items. I had put the whole situation in play in order to get myself practicing the art of simply standing up for myself....

I have hope....

So, my friends, that's my latest musings in this crazy, chaotic, anger-fueled, wobbly world. Yes, I know it's a roller-coaster ride of mountain tops and deep ocean floors. I find I'm checking in with myself in my lower moments to see if I really want to be here yet....and....frustrating and heart-breaking as it can be at times, there's this something inside me--some diamond-hard foundational rock--that reminds me, without doubt, that this is what I came to be here for in the first place (pull up your big girl panties, Pen!), and I'd be so disappointed if I didn't see it all the way through.

I'm here to stay for quite a bit longer....I've got stuff to do and experience in a brand new way....

Me Playing the Role of Victim--I Created That....

Warning: This will take the oomph out of any "Poor Pitiful Me" Stories.

I cast myself as the Victim in all the stories where I was victimized, and in all the stories where I played the Villain, I cast myself in that role. I did it. Everything I experienced, I put it there....and....that realization has set me free.

Why would I put myself through such an awful experience of playing the Victim? Whether it be molestation or rape, being bullied, used, abused, neglected, taken for granted, killed--being treated as less than, unworthy--none of those parts sound appealing from this Little Human standpoint. I wouldn't willingly put myself through that.

However, back in the day, some 30 years after the fact, when I finally faced having been the victim of molestation when I was little--one key aspect stood out for me: I knew I had agreed on some greater level with the one who played the part of molester (and who later apologized) to act out that scenario. 

I KNEW it, without a single doubt....and....yes, it was uncomfortable from my human standpoint to admit that at first, because I felt it made me look bad to a world that might not understand where I was coming from. Who, in their right mind, would want to be a victim?

And, I also knew I agreed to that entire experience in order to be able to place Light in a darkened area. To highlight potentials of actual resolution that were unseen before.

I made the decision to play those parts--Victim and Villain--on the other side of Veil of Forgetting who I really am. Before I incarnated as a human. I did it when I knew it was all just a "Let's Pretend" act, when I knew no one actually would be harmed. When I knew that even death was just an illusion. When I knew we all Eternally exist and nothing and no one could actually take that existence away.

Maybe it was an agreement made with the partner/s in crime, maybe it was Karma. Karma is something we put in place here to help us deep-asleep humans maintain a balance in the spectrum of our experiences here as a human. It wasn't something someone else or some god out there did to us to keep us in line or to punish us for our bad deeds. I put Karma in my life to help balance my human self until I awakened to who I really am, at which point, I no longer needed it.

Regardless of whether it was Divine mutual agreement or Karma, if it's in my life I put it there--all of it--the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly.

This Villain and Victim role-playing we've been acting out on Earth is actually the Sexual Energy Virus in consciousness in action. It's the imbalance between the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine that exists in each of us individuals, regardless of gender. 

We have two hemispheres to our brains, bridged by the corpus callosum. The right side is the Divine Feminine that realizes its connection to All That Is. The left side is the Divine Masculine that realizes itself as a separate being, or a single pinpoint of consciousness that's aware that it exists. 

Together--in partnership--they passionately create and compassionately experience all that we are. And from all that experience, the Master Observer distills out all the unnecessary details into a compassionate wisdom gifted for our souls. What an amazing design! What a gift to experience all of it with this realization now of who I really am in all of it!

The imbalance is the Divine Masculine being unaware that its Feminine partner exists within him. They are not separate entities--just two halves of a whole. This is what is talked about in our sacred scripts such as the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament, where the bridegroom searches all over the lands for his beloved bride only to discover she has been within him the entire time.

As unawakened humans we were unaware of this Divine Feminine--this inherent connection to a spiritual facet of ourselves. She was hidden away within us in a place our physical eyes couldn't see. Have you noticed that in order to really feel into things, to feel into yourself--into your spiritual side--you have to close your eyes?

If it's in my life, I put it there--all of it--out of the love of my Divinity, and its Human Experiencer, for my Soul.

So, I encourage you to dare to be so bold as to see any Victim role you played as being a part you cast yourself to play on the other side of the Veil. True forgiveness will reign and lead to sincere gratitude for all parts played--all, just for you....

Related Post:

Bring That Which Is Hidden Into the Light: Overcoming the Victimhood Addiction

Stopping the "If only I woulda, coulda, shoulda, didn'ts..."

 "You made your bed, now lie in it."

Kind of puts a lot of pressure on a person to make sure they make the right choice, doesn't it? Then to add to that, you maybe had some prior experiences, based on choices you made, that turned out to be not so much fun and laughs. Some were even traumatic--some were real life-changers. So your trust in your ability to make right choices is all laying down there in the pooper. 

You have a traumatically painful experience--someone dies, someone breaks off a relationship with you. In both instances it feels like rejection. It hurts like hell. You're in a void, frustrated that you're still breathing (barely) and  dammit! still waking up to new days of no tomorrows worth living.

So you settle. You join ship with someone else who's agreeable with you (but in your mind it's your second choice), and you both base an entire lifetime on having made that choice to settle, while trying not to admit it to yourself. You try to protect yourself from hurting so much again. You try to control and monitor yourself, and you try controlling and monitoring everyone and everything around you to make that safe-seeming, self-compromising choice the right choice. Because there is no going back and changing your mind after all that, is there? But maybe there is....

Settling often means we're holding onto a guilty secret, and while we feel ashamed about it and try to tuck it away from our awareness--try to make the best of things--it has a way of staying in our cells and creeping into our lives when our guard is down. It influences how we perceive and react to things no matter how strongly we think we have it under control. It influences how we create the reality, the experiences in our present lives. We're the ones in its prison cell. 

And the only way out is to honestly acknowledge to oneself that it's there. 

We each actually put it all there,....and....we alone are the only ones who can release ourselves from it. Not the other person....

But you have to go beyond the linear timeline that you were most probably on when you made that choice. You have to open your perspective up to see the bigger picture: 

It was all just a collection of experiences. You built up an identity around them and in response to it all when you thought you were just this Little Human--but none of that is who and what you are. That identity is the human costume you wear while having experiences out of love for your soul. There is actually no right or wrong choice--it's all just experience--period. 

You are so much more than that cut-and-dried identity you made yourself to be....

When you open yourself to seeing things from your soul's viewpoint, you realize there is no time and there is no space. There really is no right or wrong....

It's just an experience from a soup of potential experiences you attract to yourself based on your awareness of yourself and how limited that awareness is. 

They are all your energies in a soupy field of energies--free of Time and Space--solely in service to you. 

They were just potentials you experienced in what seemed like a certain sequence because you were playing in the duality game--a game of contrasts and polar opposites. You had a very limited idea of who you were that then naturally limited the experiences you attracted to yourself and your perception of them. 

You believed you were in service to time and space instead of them being energy patterns serving you. You believed there were definite right choices and there were definite wrong choices. It was all black and white in there until you hit some gray areas where the choice wasn't so clear. That's when self-doubt kicked in.... and....that niggly doubt built upon itself, and with it came a rash of experiences that added to the chaotic confusion. 

You no longer trusted yourself....much less, your ability to make a good choice....

So, now you know you can view it all differently. Now you have a broader perspective if you choose to use it. You have the tools to understand it and set yourself free. Just dive into that stuff--acknowledge they've been tugging at you--those finger-pointing whispers you've been trying to avoid looking at and listening to for so long. They are your demons that haunt you....and....you just didn't know what to do with them, until you knew....

So what if you settled. So what if you wouldn't, you couldn't, you shouldn't, you did or didn't....it's not the cut and dried if only way you once thought it all was. Give yourself a break. Go ahead--step out of line. Go beyond the linear timeline and set yourself and your world free. Your decisions, your past--your identity--truly is not who you are.

Opened Eyes

Opened Eyes

Words and music by Penny Lewton Binek

I was driving down the highway

Thinking through my past,

When suddenly it came to me

As clear as crystal glass:

I have thanked you for the good times,

It's time to thank you for the bad.

All the parts we play, you see,

Show me who I am!

Chorus:

These are my footsteps, my battles--

A contrast, every one,

To the Light which I see within me

Dawning as the Sun/Son.

The love that I sought was in me,

Buried beneath a film.

From the sorrows of a blinded heart

To the joys of opened eyes!

Thank you to the doctor 

who could not cure my ills

All we seemed to see 

was the sin in me

which we tried to fix with pills.

It made me look past my pained condition

to the perfection that's my soul.

I never could have seen it,

much less, believed it,

had you done anymore than MY will!

Chorus

To the lawyer who lost my cases

and the systems which seemed to fail--

We always seemed to be persecuting me,

condemning me to jail.

It made me ask the deeper questions

and search my heart for what felt right.

I see truth in me, unending liberty,

a loving justice that's prevailed!

Chorus

Mom and Dad, you know that I have adored you

From the moment I was born.

Imagine my dismay, when I found one day

That to your views I'd not conform!

It made me look deep inside,

And question my pride,

For with this I must not be wrong!

But what better way to see the strength of my faith--

Than have to"go against" the two of you...

Chorus

The New Lullaby

The New Lullaby
Words and music by Penny Lewton Binek

The sun nestles into the vee of the hills

Snuggling in, sinking deeper and deeper into the downy folds of the earth

The wind sighs one last breath

Mother moon cuddles her slumbering babe 

 A rhythmic thump-whump, thump-whump, thump-whump--her lullaby: 

 

I love you, and your daddy does, too,

Guiding and loving the best we can do.

Remember this thru' time's trickling sands:

You're in the most loving hands.

Life has its sorrows, and life has its joys--

Scraped knees and tumbles, soft kisses and sighs.

Taste it all, understanding in full

The purpose for this time.

When you've tired of fighting lost fights,

Your dreams all seem broken, no hope left in sight.

You'll pick yourself up and dry the tears from your eyes,

And separate truth from lie.

Life has its sorrows, and life has its joys--

Scraped knees and tumbles, soft kisses and sighs.

Taste it all, understanding in full

We need our Darkness to see our Light!

I love you, and your daddy does, too,

Guiding and loving the best we can do.

Remember this thru' time's trickling sands:
You're in the most loving hands--

You're in Your Own loving hands...

Armored for Rejection? I was....

 This morning I reread an old channel from 2006 on being a standard:

Crimson Circle 2006 Clarity Series Midsummer New Energy Conference: Adamus Channel (This is a link to the text version, but Audio is also available. Just click on the Clarity Series 2005-2006 in the Crimson Circle website and you'll find it).

Sixteen years ago, I probably listened twice to the above audio channel and then read through the text version also. Things felt very new, even though they resonated, and the profundity or depth of the material easily overwhelmed my mind. I remember staying fully awake through the first listening, but the second time around I would invariably fall asleep. My brother, Steve, experienced the same thing. It wasn't a hypnosis either. It was an awakening to who I really am, to who we all really are.

There is one section that stood out for me:

"You were persecuted for your beliefs. You were persecuted for what you were trying to do at the time. Because of your experience with the Orders, the Orders that you loved so deeply, great pain was brought to you. And it wasn’t just the blood, it was the emotional pain.

The emotional pain for many of you of being asked to leave the order. The remembrance of what it was like to step before the council on Earth at that time and be asked to leave. The feeling of rejection, the feeling of being put out from a group who you loved so dearly, who you committed yourself to so dearly, who you fought for, who you defended.

But I ask you to take this moment to remember and to feel the energy of that moment when you were asked to leave, and why you were asked to leave. And although it has caused difficulties and hardship for you ever since, there was a reason, my dear loved ones.

You had grown so much in your own right. You had become so enlightened and experienced in your own way that the Order itself was no longer appropriate for you. You were asked to leave to go out and discover things for yourself now, to go out and collect and to learn and to grow on your own so that we could come back together again at this moment, in this day of convergence, with all you have picked up along the way, with your wisdom and your love, with the lessons you have learned about yourself and about humanity, and bring them back to this spot.

You have been out harvesting Life, learning Life. You were the teacher who went out to become a new student so that you could return again once more as a new Teacher. And that is why we asked you to leave. It was an honor, although it may not have appeared that way at the time. It was a blessing to you and to All That Is."

While I fully grasp the necessity in being made to leave those I loved so dearly--you really cannot be a full-fledged sovereign when you're so deeply enmeshed with a group. You can't discern your own voice from those you feel so connected to. Going alone for awhile is what sovereignty is about. You have to cultivate a loving and balanced relationship with oneself, the core, if you want to manifest it in your world.

But to be kicked out, to be rejected, ejected out there without a soft place to land? That hurt on a level more painful than physical abuse or torture. I should know. I've been trying throughout this entire lifetime to not feel that awful piercing, breath-sucking pain of being outcast by those I loved and admired and respected. Yet it was happening time and time again, no matter how much I loved and even protected them, saw the best in them even when they let me down. It hit me right in the gut and in the heart--and it shackled me.

You see, I've always been on the outside looking in. Whether it be my biological or married family, spiritual family like Crimson Circle, my class, my school, my friends, my partners, my community, any causes I felt drawn to. I may feel a part of them all for a bit, but eventually I saw what was happening again and again and again. I was always playing the part of supporting actress. No one seemed to truly understand me, or care to.

I know that sounds like a poor pitiful me story....and....I know I created it. I take full responsibility for manifesting it and perceiving it the way I did. But the fear of the pain of rejection was so great that I've had iron-clad armor on this entire time. It was my way of coping. I was trying to protect myself--and that unconscious radiation of a barrier bubble attracted to me a load of experiences of being rejected, unseen, unimportant. Betrayed even, let down, shamed into feeling bad about myself. 

I am the queen of rejection....and.... I am sovereign of my domain.

I have written about having made the connection with another lifetime of my soul, one where I referred to myself as "The Dark Lady." She was the one who basically said, "To hell with it all!" and she dove into evil like never before. I've known that she's been a wounded aspect that influenced my lifetime as Penny by me carrying a huge bag of guilt and shame that didn't really fit anything I've done this time around. I have the scars to prove it. But today my understanding went deeper. I'm finally grasping that she distorted her light into such horrific actions because of the life-altering pain of rejection by those with whom she connected so deeply with in matters of Light and Love--of Consciousness. I can actually feel this awareness tingling within me as I write.

Last weekend I was anticipating a special channel Adamus St-Germain was doing with Shaumbra on Tuesday in honor of  Two's Day, 2-22-22. Out of the blue, I started experiencing back pain that has stayed with me all the way through to this morning, 8 days later. Nothing relieved it, not even walking, or rather, trying to walk. On Tuesday I made the connection to the pain being related to the old power games raging to the surface due to the huge power vortex that has Russia and the Ukraine at war, as well as a lot of other saber-rattling, as Adamus put it, going on around the world. Even here in the US of America and in Canada. In our personal lives, too. There's a huge anger to it that fuels it.

For me, I knew that I put the painful symptom in my back here, and that it was an old power struggle coming out from my own soul's experience. I was getting some benefit from the pain, but I couldn't seem to release it even though I'm done with suffering and self-sacrifice nonsense. I'm shaking my head now because the core personal truth of the moment I've been operating from has been hitting me square between the eyes, for all my life, experience after experience after experience. My master self has been yelling at me, "Penny! You're trying not to feel rejected!!! You had a life expression that felt it so deeply she reacted in knee-jerk anger and victimhood that resulted in having your soul even wonder where that evil out-lash came from. You're afraid of not being able to survive the PAIN of REJECTION! Or at least, not survive it gracefully without horrendous consequences."

Hell, I've been rejected far more often than anything else it seems....and....I'm still here....and I'm no longer a crazed, cornered-feeling bitch either (I have to grin). Regardless, I appreciate me--all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly--and the part that can see it all as the big picture. The canvas of contrasts that is the duality that gave my soul this Earthly human experience that helped me learn how my own field of energy serves me.

The armor against rejection is off. I cried a bit as I let myself feel all that pain of being left out. I had to take off my big-girl panties for a moment in order to do it, to feel into the core of me, to honestly see things as they were. I replayed a lot of scenes through my mind--and I didn't have to dig deep. They were all right at hand, as they have been all along. I just didn't know how to address them until I knew. That's the way sovereignty works. You can hear things, even repeat things that really resonate with you, but you don't realize them for yourself until it's the perfect time for you.

FYI: My back is feeling better and more flexible than it has all week. I felt it loosen as I cried in the mirror, and it's improved more and more as I wrote this out.

It's all okay. No matter what. We're all okay....and....I know this for myself. Not because somebody else told me so....