The Villain, The Prodigal Son, & The Gossip

In place of judgment, I choose to be open to a Win-Win Resolution for all parties in any type of conflict. 

And I know it's all possible if we can come to some sort of agreement about some basic ideas instead of pointing fingers of useless blame and compounding the ugliness of matters.

The Villain

Many years ago, I read an obscure book written in the 1930s called "The Urantia Book." Half of the book was dedicated to spiritual ideas and entities, and the other half was about the creation, evolution and history of this planet Earth and its human race.

Two ideas expressed in the book really resonated and stayed with me through all my own experiences. One is the astounding faith and hope that we humans have developed, and the second is a picture of an exact same scene but with two different perspectives:

The first picture is a close-up of an ugly, horrifyingly demented and evil-looking caveman. He doesn't play honorably. He plays dirty, wailing and flailing and lashing out every which way.

The second picture is a wider perspective of the scene, and it shows that that awful, crazy man is actually backed into a corner and is trying to protect his family as a huge saber-tooth tiger readies to attack. The terrified man is caught between a rock and a hard place.

If you look closely and feel into deeply beyond the surface mask of any villain you will see a deep-asleep, scared and alone-feeling Little Human who is just trying to survive by any means in a world he or she perceives as a harsh, cruel world. That is called the survival of the fittest mentality, and fear is the core issue driving it...and...we, the human race, as a collective, have chosen to move out of that consciousness into a higher awareness of who we really are.

Do we seem to have an over-abundance of villains popping to the surface these days? Every single trending headline in our local news today is focused on some villainous character or tragedy. Then when interacting with others in our community, people often commiserate with one another over the sorry state of our world and how bizarre people are. Is that a solution in any way, shape or form?

For every dark story out there, I can tell you about some amazing people and stories at the other end of the spectrum happening at the same time--and usually within that same story. It's all about where we place our sense of focus.

And in order to heal ourselves and our planet, we have to first allow our villainous dis-eases to come to the surface in order to allow them to be addressed and to then leave us for good.

Awakening: "Bring that which is hidden into the Light."

As for the villains in our headlines and gossip--I believe many of them are being forced to uncover parts of themselves they are afraid of as they are starting to awaken to who they truly are. It's like putting something in our status quo, boring human life that grabs us by the shoulders--or slaps us upside the head, and yells, "Wake up!!!" This phenomena is called The Dark Night of the Soul.

It causes a person to do some crazy stuff--believe me, I know. Awakening is not an easy process, because with it comes an Unrelenting Self-Forgiveness that leaves no aspect or demon or shame unaddressed. Your entire identity--any idea you have of "this is who and how I am" is ripped to shreds and nothingness until you realize you weren't any of the human costumes you played. You're just a pinpoint of eternal, highly-creative conscious awareness who realizes, "I exist!"

When I first began hearing that knowingness voice of self-awareness within me, it comforted me and helped me shift my perspective to more clearly see the broader picture of whatever drama-trauma concerned me at the time. But it also brought up my dark issues--my personal demons and dragons. I had to allow every little secret that I had buried away out into the light of day--and it wasn't easy, especially in the beginning.

The last thing I wanted to look at were the things I regretted and was ashamed of having done or said. I was miserable in my shame and guilt, and it weighed heavily on me in the form of how I carried myself--emotionally, physically, and spiritually--in my daily life and radiating demeanor. I walked around in a prison of my own making that I couldn't seem to run from, avoid, repress, escape. Awakening made me take another look or two or more--whatever it took--until I revisited every single shameful, guilt-inspiring moment, and realized so much more was happening at the time than that one tiny slice of negative part of me that I remembered.

As beautiful and freeing as it always ended up being, when stuff first began surfacing I, too, felt like a cornered, crazy beast who believed she was just a Little Human trying to survive in a cruel world.

And the unrelenting self-forgiveness never let up until I not only forgave myself with compassion, but until I also felt gratitude for the wisdom distilled for my soul from that experience of playing the lost human being that I was.

For anyone going through a dark night of the soul event, I would highly recommend disconnecting from your loved ones and friends and community for a bit. We have a tendency in our hometowns to get typecast as being a certain way and having a certain type of personality, and it's hard to let go of our stories when we're constantly playing in them. Go to a space you've made safe and sacred--where you can be alone with yourself to honestly reflect on and feel through the difficult things in your life without feeling defensive or as though you have to keep up a performance.

I have hugged and held myself, and been compassionately and unconditionally accepting of myself through many a dark and stormy night of the soul. I've learned the importance of playing the role of actually being my own best friend--with whom there is no need to justify my words or actions.

Suddenly, I realized that I was just lonely and scared, trying hard to fit into a world in which I didn't feel as though I belonged--and that I was really hard on myself. Any person being mean to me was just a mirror reflecting back to me how hard I was being on me, within myself.

Once I realized that, harsh words said by others started to not really matter. I still have sensitive days, but I don't dwell on such stuff for long anymore.

Jesus was not pointing a finger of accusation and condemnation at us when he stated, "Judge not, lest you be judged the same." He was reminding us of our own Creatorship and how each of us is creating the realities that we find difficult for our self to be in.

After a few realizations like that, you'll find as I did that a person is less likely to harm oneself or any other because of that. You turn into something of a benevolent rebel...

Jesus's Parable of The Prodigal Son

Jesus's parable of the prodigal son speaks to me of this whole process of awakening. The son sets out in a human costume on a journey of experience, forgetting who he is, getting lost, doing all kinds of things to just get by, until one day he remembers or realizes that he's more--that there's more to life than just trying to survive it. And he returns to his soul (his father) who welcomes him home with open arms and a feast and party to celebrate. There is no judgment of the son whatsoever. There is no condemnation nor need for justification by the soul.

There is a bit, however, of  regret and guilt of the Little Human that lingers within the son from his many experiences. He's afraid of trusting himself because of the dark things he did while asleep in the human dream. That part in the story is played by the "good son" who never left home in the first place to discover himself. Who was a pleaser of others and the follower of traditions and rules no matter the cost to his own freedom and realization. He was unwilling to acknowledge his own perfect imperfections. He knew nothing of what he was talking about, and the father--his wise "I am that I am" soul--admonished him for his self-judgment and lack of self-compassion.

The path of Self Realization is wide enough for only one--it is yours, and yours alone, and you're the only one who can make it easier, or more difficult, for yourself.

The Gossip

I don't have much tolerance for people who prattle on about other people and their crazy behavior. Frankly, it hurts...because not only do I not like hearing about how bad and dark people can be--regardless of whether they are some politician, celebrity or loved one--I feel the fear and self-unworthiness of the one playing the role of Gossiping Villain. I know they are just trying to direct scrutiny away from themselves for fear of being found guilty, lacking, anything that may cause one to be rejected by his or her peers.

I'm not about pointing fingers at gossips. I know that any finger-pointing judgment I make about any others out there just does a 180 and ends up landing on myself. Been there and done that--and the experiences of it made me compassionately wiser and more unconditionally accepting. You can't play in the Lost Little Human game very long without participating probably at least once in the vice that is called gossip.

We're awakening together, my friends, and the easier we make it for oneself and each other to do so, the smoother and more graceful this process can be.

This was my way of creating a bit safer and more sacred space for those who feel afraid and unworthy. It takes a brave being to play the human game. It's not for the faint of heart. You--your existence, your life experiences--it's all a GIFT.

Wake-up, my friends...wake-up...and know you're not alone.

One of my favorite parables came from Neale Donald Walsch's "Conversations with God" books. It was made into a children's book: "The Little Soul and the Sun."

After realizing who she truly was, the little soul wanted to experience forgiveness, but in order to do so, she needed another soul to play the role of betrayer for her. Out of the greatest love, another soul stepped forward and offered to play the part here on Earth in human costumes. The second soul, however, had one request. In order to betray, the soul had to go deep into the darkness and forget completely who he was. He asked that once the first little soul experienced forgiveness, that she help him remember who he truly was--the loving soul who played a most difficult villain all out of love for her...

It's out of Love we All come, and it's unto Love we All return.

What a different world we'll live in when we remember that...

Spiritual Energy Is Sexual Energy

Spiritual energy is sexual energy!

What a statement, huh?

When my childhood memories of molestation resurfaced (Click on this link: Bring That Which Is Hidden Into The Light: Overcoming The Victimhood Addiction), probably because of my molester approaching me first to apologize, and later my empathically experiencing that person's deeply felt remorse and self-punishment, I have felt all along that the two of us had agreed at our souls' level to act out that experience together. We did it solely to bring one of the deepest darkest secrets that so many humans carry--27 percent of the entire human population is experiencing a sexual abuse issue of some sort--out into the open and into the light so that people could heal or resolve it for themselves and experience more enjoyable lives without hauling that heavy baggage around.

I stated before--I neither condone nor condemn those who've committed sexual abuses. Judgment is not my thing, nor do I believe in a god out there separate from me who judges us and sends "unworthy" humans to hell. There are moments in my life here as a human that have been hellish in nature, and others like heaven. I am about SELF-FORGIVENESS: How can you hold someone accountable for things done in an unawakened state of severely limited consciousness of just trying to have some control in a harsh-seeming world where a survival of the fittest mentality reigns? I am about how it is to be here right now, in each present/gift of a moment.

I'm all about finding and sharing a true resolution and bringing that ancient story to an end. Sending people to jail and making them register as sex offenders solves nothing if all the parties involved aren't healed. Rehabilitation of sex offenders is pretty much a non-funny joke. Sometimes abusers were first the victims. I'm certain that in another life expression of my soul that I played the part of abuser. Mercifully though, I don't remember that lifetime.

In mid-September of 2007, our entire planet experienced a QUANTUM LEAP in CONSCIOUSNESS. It's a fancy way of saying that our awareness of ourselves and our perspective on human life and experiences expanded immeasurably inward and outward. We went beyond "survival of the fittest in a cruel world." For those of us who "knew" that there just had to be more to life than what we were taught and told (the status quo), we went from seeing ourselves as an All Alone Little Human Being to realizing that each of us is the gifted soul creator of her or his own reality.

For me, the quantum leap wasn't the joyful and fun experience I had anticipated. While other awakened peers were gathered together at a conference celebrating the event, I was home experiencing what felt like 7 days of hell. I didn't dare leave the house because it would hit at any time, and several times, within a 24-hour cycle; and it would last for 2-3 hours an episode. I sat on the toilet, crying, and experiencing what felt like a non-stop orgasm. I did nothing to bring it on. It just happened. I remember drinking all kinds of tea and liquid to rehydrate. I was miserable and crazy, at my wits end, and I didn't even want to think about sex for quite some time afterward.

I know of one other person who had a similar experience--a man--and it wasn't any more fun for him than it was for me.

At the time, I figured it was both a cleansing of me and a massive download of spiritual understandings, but no one actually came out and said what it was like for them. I remember at the time thinking of Jesus (Yeshua) wandering in the wilderness for 40 days, and hoping that wasn't the case for me. One week was more than enough and about all I could tolerate.

Now--what happened with me was my unique and individual experience. It need not be the same with you. It need not be so traumatic. It can be smoother and easier and not last so long--and I'm sharing this in order to give those who come after me a bit more information and clarity than I had at the time. You know what a relief it is, and how accepting of yourself you are when at last some brave soul shares their own embarrassing moment story with you--one that's very similar to your own experience? It helps to realize you're not alone. Suddenly you realize, "I'm okay, too."

This was a highly personal experience and not one I ever planned on sharing. But more information is coming out on the entire subject of the sexual energy virus. The virus is an imbalance of the masculine and feminine consciousness within each unaware/unawakened human on the planet. Regardless of one's gender, we have both a divine masculine and a divine feminine facet. We have a split brain. The left hemisphere--our masculine aspect--deals in logic and being a sovereign separate human entity. The right hemisphere--our feminine aspect--is intuitive, connected to our spirit, and sees our connection to All That Is. The balance happens when we acknowledge and accept that we are both, regardless of our gender and sexual expression.

Deeply hidden secret sexual abuses are surfacing all over in the news because the time is right--consciously speaking--for them to come up to be healed once and for all. I have more understanding on the matter now than I ever did before.

The key information I have to share here is that spiritual energy is actually sexual energy.

On the other side of the Veil, there is really no distinction between the two. It's only here that power-seeking humans have made them seem like two very different things.

I have had over 11 years of practice of being aware of the way spiritual energy feels in me--it's a warm and comforting tingling sensation all over, and sometimes just in certain areas of my body. Sometimes I feel a tingling on the side of my head, sometimes my shoulder, or a hip, or down my spine. I have a joyful knowingness feeling of awareness of myself and everything around me. I feel a deep sense of gratitude. I would describe it as orgasmic, but now it's not as intensely mind-blowing as it was in the quantum leap. Spiritual/sexual energy--especially when it's been suppressed and held down as it was with me in my earlier life--can be mind-blowing and mess with the body circuitry, especially if it explodes to the surface like a balloon held under water, so it's important to reassure oneself that "I am okay" and to create a safe space and physically care for oneself. Remember, that before we don our human costumes in order to more sensually experience our self we are spiritual in nature--a pinpoint of simple awareness that "I exist."

Many religions teach that sex is a very animalistic and base--NONSPIRITUAL--act.

That belief is why we have such distorted and abusive acts happening in our society. We are NATURALLY spiritual beings. Therefore we are NATURALLY sexual beings, and whenever you suppress and try to control what is natural, that suppressed energy seeks release in whatever means possible, and results in a distorted manifestation of some form like abuse.

Also, the surest means of getting someone to act out something is to forbid them to do it. Humans like to break rules--there is a rewarding feeling in believing you are getting away with something. Or it can be twisted the other direction and you feel and carry tremendous guilt at having done something, possibly just out of curiosity, that you wish you wouldn't have done.

Abusers and victim accusers are both seeking POWER. Power is a game--an illusion. Power is the opposite of freedom. There is no freedom when you play the power game. I am writing because I am about FREEDOM of being yourself without harm to oneself or to another. You won't see me jumping on a feminine power bandwagon, blaming and accusing someone else for my situation. I accept compassionate responsibility for myself. I love men and I love women. I love that I feel both the masculine and the feminine within me.

As I shared in my childhood story, suppression and repression of one's own sexuality often leads to abusive situations throughout one's entire life until you become aware of yourself and acknowledge it enough to allow yourself to just be. Things then heal and balance themselves naturally once you get out of your own way. It's no wonder to me that the Catholic priesthood has been riddled with sexual abuse when it mandates suppression of that which is not only natural--but NATURALLY SPIRITUAL--in all of us.

And, as I realized personally, pointing my finger at my abuser wouldn't have healed me. I was the end recipient of any judgment I made. I just needed to quit viewing it as my naughty little secret. Sexual abuse is often handed down through generation after generation of the same family--we can be genetically predisposed. Some may recognize the tendency in themselves and work hard to control it and not act on it, but if they don't bravely acknowledge it to oneself, and it still feels like a dark, ugly secret within--it's still going to manifest in their life as an abusive act--maybe emotionally or spiritually instead of physically--but those can be just as damaging, maybe even more insidious.

Here's a huge little gem I have to share with you on the subject of a family's genetic predisposition for sexual abuse:

If you acknowledge and naturally allow the healing of the sexual energy virus in yourself, it heals in both directions in the family lineage--your ancestors and your progeny. The story of sexual abuse ends with you--period.

You don't need to lecture loved ones on the subject. No need to convince anyone of anything. Just love and accept all of you--practically as well as spiritually.

The sexual energy virus is, at its core, an imbalance in our consciousness. The symptoms of the dis-ease between the masculine divine and feminine divine aspects in oneself are to be looking outside of oneself for unconditional acceptance, love, life, and completion. You focus on trying to control yourself and your outer world--your own creations--in order to feel safe and worthy enough to simply exist--to be. 

When, in truth, the fact that you exist is the greatest, most magnificent gift of all. A loving creator sets all of her creations free--including herself/himself first of all. Love yourself first, and the rest is truly easy.

Please Yourself

I am of the Baby Boomer generation, where the Victorian era consciousness of repressed and suppressed sexual urges where private parts were considered "nasty and dirty" clashed with the Free Love consciousness of the 1960's and 70's. It was a very confusing time to grow up in terms of one's sexuality.

I once worked with a woman who was so embarrassed and upset because her two-year old daughter figured out that by rubbing her knees together in just the right way caused her to feel really good--and she did it in the grocery cart in public. Her mom was beside herself. Little did the two of us know at the time, but that little toddler was showing us that the safest sexual practice and spiritual expression of it was masturbation. Pleasuring oneself, in a kind and safe manner helps to clear out a whole lot of junk--disease in the body and mind and spirit--and gets stuck energies flowing once again. It also takes away sexual performance anxiety because you don't worry about pleasing anyone else but yourself. You can't get pregnant or father an unexpected baby. There is no energy-feeding or stealing going on with another person. The best thing is it puts you right smack dab in the present moment, and you become aware of yourself and that you have the gift of a human body that allows a pinpoint of consciousness such a gritty sensual experience of itself in infinite ways.

Allow Yourself To BE

The warm and tingling, orgasmic knowingness I experience now--it happens without the physical sexual act. I'm walking around, sometimes at home, sometimes in nature, sometimes in a public place, when suddenly I'm aware that I'm in my human body, fully participating in my life...and...feeling a whole lot of gratitude at the same time. And because I realized the value of loving myself in ALL WAYS--even physically sexually--it's made my whole life experience much richer. Imagine the freedom you then feel when relating with another person.

What a gift!


Related Post:
The Villain, the Prodigal Son, & the Gossip

The Dark Lady and Me: A Lesson On Self-Forgiveness and Self Awareness

I matter.

Forgive yourself--for everything that you feel ashamed of, guilty over. 

That wasn't the real you, and that wasn't the real me. Those were just costumes.

Our human identities are merely costumes for a Divinity exploring and experiencing itself, and harvesting the gift of wisdom that only comes from pretending to be Human.

We were playing "Let's Pretend" there are good guys and there are bad guys in this grand, SAFE and SACRED, playground--the REALITY/ILLUSION called Earth--all of it done out of love and the desire to discover, to experience, to know thyself.

Several years ago, I awakened from a dream where a dark and shadowy being towered over me, accusing me, calling me, "Dark Lady."

I can't recall any of the rest of the conversation, but I knew the title was fitting for some aspect in me, and I knew the entity was trying to feed off my feelings of guilt for a really dark and evil life-expression of my soul.

In essence, the shadowy entity was an aspect of me, too--a reflection of how I'm monitoring and using guilt and shame to prevent myself from being a cruel and harmful human again. I'm certain that the Dark Lady did some of the most abominable things anyone could do to another--and I'm pretty certain she's a life expression that I used as a motivation for enlightenment and ascension in this lifetime.

All of my life as Penny, I've carried deep feelings of guilt and shame, way out of proportion for anything I've ever done in this lifetime. I've done nothing to warrant such self-condemnation and tight self-monitoring and control. I had a deep fear of harming anyone--even unintentionally--to the point I was paralyzed when it came to making even the simplest choice. It's also made me one of the most compassionately wise and accepting human beings you'll meet.

Ascended masters, Tobias and Adamus Saint Germain both warned that those of us going through the awakening into enlightenment would probably experience these psychic attacks, and that we could command our attackers to leave. That's all we had to do--and they would have to leave.

In the dream, I did exactly that. With no room for feelings of self-doubt, I roared, "LEAVE NOW! I Command you to leave now!" And it did.

The Dark Lady aspect, through my simple self-forgiveness, is free to integrate into my BODY of CONSCIOUSNESS. I now think of all parts of myself integrating together as The Benevolent Rebel. 

However, integration doesn't happen instantly. The Dark Lady character first came into my awareness through that dream about a decade ago--and even though I was aware of her in me all this time--ten years later, I've realized her regret and sense of atonement, and self-monitoring have still been influencing the consciousness I have been radiating in my daily life as Penny.

Instead of playing the Leading Lady, the source and center of my realities--I've been playing the Best Friend Supporting Actress to my entire creation. 

I've been compromising my own desired realities by supporting and protecting the stories of bits of plasma in the form of all the other actors in my play.

I've been walking around apologizing for simply existing--as though my very breathing the air here is taking oxygen from someone more deserving.

I have been playing the lowly servant role instead of acting as the central and sovereign master who can truly be of service to her creation by being an example that we can consciously create our own realities--a life that flows with ease and grace instead of suffering and sacrifice and guilt.

I even have been sporting a scar on my right cheek that, in looking back, surfaced about the time the Dark Lady dream happened. I didn't do anything in this lifetime to wound myself there. I had a boil appear in that area in high school, but it disappeared without leaving scar tissue. By feeling, intuiting into it--I felt it was a branding wound for witchcraft that was connected with the Dark Lady life expression.

I finally see,the scar has been present in my current life as a reminder to myself to be aware that the Dark Lady is still influencing and skewing my desired manifestations. 

She's had me walking the part of the supportive best friend--apologetic and unstar-like in demeanor. 

And the energies, in complete service to me, have responded to that limited consciousness by continually manifesting a reality where I'm never the star in my own show.

As happened with the Dark Lady, people don't seem to see me unless they want something from me. They are insensitive to me. I basically end up feeling judged, betrayed and angry. I don't like feeling angry.

I have a tendency to go to the broader, more enlightened viewpoint of seeing that they are just acting FOR me as a means of my avoiding expressing anger.

But that avoidance has kept me from honoring my own experience and their acting job. That keeps me attracting that same old type of betrayal story over and over again. All because I've been afraid of my human self, knowing from the Dark Lady's lifetime how truly dark a human can go.

But the Human Being is just a Costume--a very sensual one.

Those times each of us played the bad person--we dived into the character and immersed so whole-heartedly into the role, from the understanding of what motivated one to behave in such a manner--that we convinced everyone, including ourselves, that that's who we were--period.

And because we played it so well, the "good person" in the play had the opportunity to experience his own shiningly beautiful light even more. What a gift! To be loved so much that someone was willing to risk his own reputation and life-experience in order to let another experience the wonder and beauty of themselves. But it was all JUST AN ACT--on all our parts! Humans are just costumes!

SELF-FORGIVENESS is simply realizing, and embracing, that that wasn't REALLY me! 

I acted out a role. And with that realization, all the shackles of guilt, shame and misery are loosened and fall away.

This SELF-FORGIVENESS concept was perhaps the most challenging thing for me to completely grasp. It goes hand-in-hand with learning to unconditionally love oneself. If I can forgive and love all of me, I can forgive and love anyone and everyone else with ease.

This has all been a VERY LIMITED VERSION of REALITY being played out by blind, deeply asleep humans, unaware of who we really are.

I see it as a grand illusion--a virtual reality game. That perspective helps me perceive my reality as more transparent and flexible and flowing; rather than solid, concrete, immovable, stuck. I felt safer making choices then and to allow myself to make mistakes in something less solid.

There really is no such thing as a mistake--it's all simply experience.

In the outer world mirror around me that was ultimately reflecting the conflicted inner me, I'd hear sentiments like:

"I can forgive, but I can't--or won't--forget." This basically means, "I CHOOSE not to forgive."

"God forgives everything, BUT, I can't--or won't." This means the same as, "Some god out there separate from me is capable of doing what I simply CHOOSE not to do."

As long as you make that suggested belief your own truth, some forgiving god "out there" is having way more fun than your human being.

As a result of choosing to not forgive, we find ourselves STUCK in a STORY, playing out a CHARACTER ROLE or IDENTITY that we believe is who we are--for the rest of our lives. And we walk around, limited and suffocated, with the weapons ready, the protective armor on and the guards erected, trying to convince ourselves that we still belong in this world, all the while feelingly believing that we don't deserve to even exist. If you CLOSE YOUR EYES, you can feel this inside of you.

Those above sentiments on forgiving are actually personal CHOICES. We can forgive--unconditionally and compassionately--but many choose not to, and our human minds back up that choice by using all kinds of reasons and justifications. If you really want out of the story, you'll find yourself having to tell your "justifying mind" to "SHUT UP!"

Unforgiving people are actually choosing to continue acting out stories that they often say they hate--regardless of whether they're playing the role of victim or perpetrator. Frankly, if I'm still playing in a story--even though I'm frustrated in it--I'm benefiting from it on some level. I'm liking it.

As long as I understand that I'm choosing to pretend to role-play in any story, I'm never going to be stuck in an identity again.

I can simply step out of the roles that don't feel like much fun for me, while still allowing and honoring the sovereignty of those who continue to play in that game--without judging them. 

Everyone outside of me can joyfully experience their realities, and I can enjoy mine without being affected by others' choices. It means my husband and family and loved ones can make choices that I can choose to not affect me. What they do, or how they are, doesn't have to reflect on me. I can rest, finally knowing, deep within, that we're all okay--no matter what transpires. That there is nothing I have to figure out how to fix in this world.

This planet is A SAFE SPACE to EXPERIENCE and DISCOVER ONESELF while RELATING with OTHERS. And I don't need to feel guilty about anything, about stepping back and letting go of trying to control everyone and everything--including myself.


ALLOW yourself to leave any story mid-way. 

AUTHENTICALLY FEEL the experience through, without judging how you "think" you "should be."  

Be honest--For me, that means ALLOWING myself to FEEL and EXPRESS anger at those who play my betrayers. They don't have to be present.

OBSERVE yourself acting...

I awakened one morning from a dream feeling extremely frustrated and at odds:

I was in a classroom writing down my answer to a one-question essay assignment. The only problem was my handwriting was fading as quickly as I wrote the words down. Suddenly the teacher wanted our answers typed out. I searched all over the classroom, and eventually, the school, trying to find a typewriter that wasn't being used already. I never did find a machine, and to make matters worse, a couple more questions were added to the assignment. The story just worsened and grew more complex, the longer I stayed with it--nothing in it was resolved to my satisfaction or for simple peace of mind.

When Dad was dying, I spent a good portion of those last days, trying to help finish all his unfinished business and relationships and stories in order to help him make his death transition easier and more peaceful. All of us humans naturally want to bring our stories--and our character identities--to perfect happy endings.

And that has been a stumbling block for me in stepping over the threshold into living out my own recent embodied enlightenment as a self-master.

My dream made me aware that I've been trying to finish all the old stories and relationships I played in. I was trying to bring them all to a happy conclusion, and I was still trying to make Penny into a perfect human.

She's a bit special, because it was in the lifetime role of Penny that I'm experiencing the integration of my spiritual divinity and all my other aspects and lifetimes with this one human incarnation. I not only lived out the ascension process (the awakening to self-awareness) on earth, but I also chose to then stay embodied (incarnate) as a self-master. To fore go the traditional human death story.

In the dream, I had all the answers, was writing them down with ease, but the more I tried to complete them according to the rules of my "I'm Just a Little Human" mind (symbolized by the teacher's requirements), the more complicated and frustrating the assignment became for me. In order to "keep me alive," the assignment could never actually be finished--the story couldn't end. My human mind never wanted a resolution because "it thought" that would be the end, the destruction, of Penny.

I have a dream of every community having a local theater -- a place where members can come together and consciously role-play.

So we get more comfortable with immersing into a character role, by AUTHENTICALLY FEELING our way through it WITHOUT JUDGING OURSELVES, and then switching out of it when we've had enough of a particular story.

I'd like everyone to have the opportunity to realize the joy our souls have of playing ALL kinds of PARTS together with SELF-FORGIVENESS, GRATITUDE, COMPASSION, CELEBRATION--and lots of LAUGHTER.

I have a vision where someday each person has realized that we've all just been role-playing together all along, and that our past experiences don't define us, or keep us stuck in a limited identity and genre.

We are ALL SO MUCH MORE than our pasts--and our pasts are SO MUCH MORE than we've understood.

These days I remind myself constantly of these four things:

1. It's all A FLEXIBLE HOLOGRAPHIC REALITY (my body included).

2. There is NO-thing I have to do or finish--or perfect.

3. BREATHE and ALLOW my consciousness (self-awareness) to OPEN and flow and mingle HARMONIOUSLY with all that is, within and without--without thought. Weapons down, armor off...

4. Be honest with myself about how I feel in the experience.

With releasing myself from the role of Penny, I find myself breathing so much more at ease, so much more at home in my own body than I ever was before. The protective armor and all the barriers I PUT in around me to protect myself in what felt like a really tough and harsh world are, one-by-one, dropping away as I become aware that they're there.  It's just a matter of re-minding myself to flow it through by being HONEST about myself in the experience. All my old personal demons are being put to rest--with my own gratitude for ALL the parts I played...

Little One--come sing with me!
We have a song, a joyous melody.
Little One, come lift your heart in song--
Giving thanks for ALL parts played,
Whether right or seeming wrong!
Hear the thunder, hear the ROAR--
A celebration like we've never FELT before...

Little One--at last you're free!
Little One, come and dance with me.
It's all right, you've let your story be told,
And in the LIGHT of DAY, behold:
You're a WONDER!
Life's a GIFT!
A celebration of ALL THAT IS!
Though you stumble, though you fall--
When it all is said and done,
All there is IS LOVE!

Everything in my life has manifested in service to me--it's my creation--even the distorted ones. I get betrayed by those I love and admire because it's not appropriate for me to worship or protect or place them higher than myself.

Anger, when I allow it, is a great shaker-upper. It knocks others off the pedestal on which I've placed them--and has us standing on the same level.

I've already created the reality I desire--I'm now experiencing the process of it manifesting for me. It all comes to me...

Everything in my life is here FOR ME! Everything is a gift of experience.

"I am THAT, I am all of that, I am!"

I matter...I am worthy....

The Dance

The Dance

By Penny Lewton Binek

Passion and his beloved Compassion

glide a path together--

sometimes breaking apart,

sometimes framing the other, heart-to-heart--

waxing and waning

'round the floor of the Flagstone Terrace.

They dance through the annals of the ages,

the picture book that is my mind,

to the wildly whirling-twirling,

strangely peaceful dervish

that is my heart,

in rhythm to the song

that is my soul.

Evolving Church Ministries: New Opportunities For Their Communities

I've had the pleasure of recently visiting with friends and relatives from my hometown and surrounding communities, and during our visits one of the subjects was the lack of ministers. One minister is dividing her or his time among three or more communities. I have a neighbor and a niece who are ministers, and through them, I've gained an appreciation of the sacrifices such people make in order to serve their communities. Their job is being on-call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for not only the weekly sermon, but they provide other community services during the week, and they are there for times of celebration and times of sorrow. Unless they have another minister to help shoulder the duties, it can get really stressful. These are truly giving people, and they are being expected to "do more with less and less and less."

Do more with less is exactly what I experienced in the business world--the corporate world of manufacturing and packaging. It's not a new idea--the Jewish slaves in Egypt in the time of Moses were expected to produce more bricks for building, and in a shorter time with less raw materials. Their expected quota for the day was raised.

I look at the OLD business bottom-line profit approaches and they don't even make COMMON SENSE! Some employees around here in Minot, an area that enjoyed a financial abundance during a short-lived oil boom, are chastised for not bringing in the money now that they did when the community was feeling flush. When oil prices were at their height, the costs of rent and food were astronomical--a ridiculous gouging of the people who made up our community. I was personally frustrated at the lack of COMMUNITY consciousness in these practises--and it wasn't everyone that was doing it. It was mainly being done by unawakened individuals and companies who thought it was about competition and survival of the fittest. They weren't aware of even looking for another way that might benefit everyone involved.

But that's what we have now--a segment of our world population is either awake or in the process of their awakening, and these individuals are starting to incorporate new, more community-service-based (heart-based) practises in their daily lives and businesses. Others are deep asleep in the old hypnosis of the old ways, and they really aren't open to anything new. There is no judgment here--there is a time and a season...and a profound reason...for everything and everyone, just as they are, under the sun.

While listening to my friends tell about church members filling in to do Sunday services on days that their traveling minister was engaged at another church, it suddenly struck me that the dying church of the old ways was creating a new window of opportunity for its parishioners. People who were passionate about learning more about God and Jesus, and understanding and improving their own lives, were actually reading their Bibles and other books surrounding the stories related there-in, and were stepping up to share their own inner aha moments with other people gathered to hear such profundities!

Now this, my beloved human friends, is the type of interaction with other people that gets me excited! I LOVE being with others who are so willing to share their deepest and highest experiences, and the wisdom and compassion they gain from them--and then are so willing to listen as I share my own with them. These are the most rewarding interactions I have ever taken part in. Conversations surrounding sports and reality TV and gossip or political rants do not interest me in the least. But when someone shares with me something from deep within their heart--realizations that set them free and add sparkle to their eyes--I exult and dance it in for hours and days later.

I can see a new type of ministry emerging from the ashes of the old: I see the rows of pews facing a lectern or an alter turning into a circle of chairs where each person in the circle has something to share that everyone benefits from personally if they are willing to listen. Heck, my dad and my brother, Steve, did ministry work having coffee in a booth at the local restaurant. We can create safe and sacred spaces for ourselves and each other no matter where we are.

With much love and celebration and anticipation,
The Benevolent Rebel

Story of the Moment: An Opportunity or a Limitation?

Open and Allow.

I've realized that every story playing in every moment of my present life is an opportunity for me to OPEN myself to going beyond my old limited perception of the drama in front of me. My perception is everything when it comes to manifesting the life I desire. My perception is what determines what flavor of consciousness I radiate out to the energies that serve me in then manifesting the realities I experience.

My Life Is a Gift, Not a Test.

Viewing life from the perspective of it being a gift rather than a proving-ground of self-worth is a key perception in this game.

In realizing that I could CHOOSE to view a seeming dilemma as A GIFT of an opportunity to go beyond an old story rather than being stuck in a same-old, same-old experience--yet again--I felt a blossoming shift in my consciousness and in my personal energy field. I felt my braced shoulders and body loosen up and open up. I felt myself take a deep breath of ease and a smile touch my face.

I have an opportunity to enjoy a trip to another beautiful state, but I felt stuck in feelings of self-doubt, aloneness, and possible failure, with a niggling aspect of lack of abundance. I felt obligation and hurt at past betrayal stories. None of these were really how I personally feel. They were just old and sticky stories cycling back around to see if I wanted to make them mine. They were past experienced possibilities that I could make my truth, my reality. They were haunting me, "Pick me! Pick Me!" they said as they made smirky faces at me.

It was mucking me up. I was feeling stuck, closed in, unable to make any choice with a feeling of graceful ease. And the future date was looming closer and closer without a feeling of resolution other than regretfully having to decline the invitation. I sat on the couch sipping my cappuccino, allowing myself to feel into all of it--all those icky, frustrated old poor-little-me stories. And then it hit me.

Every story is merely a SUGGESTION of potentials I can choose or not choose to make my own experience. Every story is an opportunity to OPEN and ALLOW myself ease and grace in receiving the field of potential energies that serve me. I don't have to plan the logistics--figure out how to make it unfold. I just pick a flavor--like ice cream--something I feel I might enjoy.

I just OPEN myself, my self-awareness, and allow myself to feel at ease; instead of bracing myself in the old way, trying to manipulate and survive what feels like a landscape of emotional and physical landmines out to get me if I make one false move or choice.

Be Grateful--For the Opportunity.

My life is a multitude of opportunities: Replace all my old fears surrounding it with overall gratitude..

View all my stories with GRATITUDE. Instead of trying to figure out how to handle a situation and myself--simply view EVERY MOMENT and EVERY STORY as an OPPORTUNITY to open myself up to receive a GIFT of a life of EASE and GRACE. No weapons wielded offensively or defensively, no armor or protective barriers needed.

Simply open and give heartfelt thanks for the opportunities--even the opportunities clothed as Facebook whines, tantrums, tirades and power games. I have the whole pie, and many pies to play with, instead of just the Little Human sliver I once thought was all that I was. That's a whole lot to be grateful for...and all I have to do is OPEN and ALLOW myself to receive it. No judgment necessary.

Walking On...Beyond Death With Steve, Part III

An Invitation     

I've been holding off on posting this Part III of Walking On: Beyond Death With Steve. I've just been adding anecdotes and dreams I've had about him since he crossed over the Veil of Forgetting. I chose to walk beyond the old concepts surrounding death simply by keeping myself open to potentials most of us humans haven't realized were even possible. I'm allowing it to simply unfold, trusting there is a new way. Do I have frustrating, missing-him-terribly moments? Yes! But I have an unshakable trust in myself that it will all work out. Just keep yourself open, Pen, and allow yourself to receive all the gifts that come your way in this.

Steve often met people for the first time who'd tell him that they knew him--they recognized him as a character in their dreams at night. He wouldn't recall any of it, and was frustrated that he couldn't. He usually woke up nauseated. But he got a kick out of hearing the stories from friends and acquaintances, and then sharing them with me.

We both desired for the two of us to be able to travel and meet in the other dimensions. It finally happened the week he helped us move to Minot nearly eleven years ago. I remembered grinning ear to ear and joyfully greeting him in my dreams that night, "We finally did it!" I made a note to myself to remember it in the morning. I did actually recall it (a grand-feeling feat for me), but Steve once again didn't remember a thing--he just awoke dizzy and nauseated and nearly fell out of his bed.

Note: Dizziness and a bit of nausea are often symptoms of traveling across many dimensions or realities--nothing is wrong with you. You're just not accustomed to the awareness of doing it, and so there is a resistance--a bracing of oneself. The more one RELAXES and ALLOWS it by moving through one's fear about it, the easier and more graceful the experience becomes.

Also: When you want to leave a reality or dimension, SIMPLY CHOOSE this reality, and you're here instantly. You need to know you can't get stuck, not really. Just choose this one, and you're back to a place you know how to navigate as a human.

I've been prone to motion sickness most of my life. And then Adamus Saint-Germain talked about how we, as pinpoints of conscious awareness, don't actually move at all. We are eternal and stationary. Even when we seem to have bodies that move and sense--that's actually energy in the forms of space and time (aka Bon) flowing in patterns to us, and through us. It's basically just like sitting in an omnitheater, in a stationary seat with a surrounding screen of flowing vistas of mountainous peaks and canyons of treacherous turns, where it feels like one false move on my part would have me falling and crashing. Only I can't actually fall or crash because I'm the projector and the light--it's all just a very sensual experience.

Last time I flew, knowing that I was stationary and that the turbulence of the airplane I was on was just energies flowing around and through me, that I really wasn't locked in a moving vehicle traveling through air space--it was the first time I didn't experience motion sickness while flying. It used to take me the rest of the day and a good night's sleep to recover from airplane travel that was bumpy.

I may prove myself to be a complete and utter fool, but I realize I don't care about that. I'm not hurting anyone. This is my gift of a life. This is my reality to manifest and play in. I had to step away from Facebook for a bit because so many of our loved ones are crossing over the Veil and I feel my energies, out of old habit, rush into their stories, holding their pain. It's so seductive that I feel myself caught up in the grief, the loss, the utter sadness--and in some cases, the guilt--before I realize I'm doing it. It made it difficult to keep myself open and the energies flowing.

So, I invite those of you who choose to open yourselves up to connecting with Steve and your other loved ones--humans and pets on the other side of the Veil--please feel free to share your stories with me. I will treasure them. Remember to watch for the simple things, the subtle things...

In the days and months following Steve's transition, amid the bouts of grief and my grappling to keep myself open to see all of this through in a new way, I've experienced, I just realized, quite a number of reassuring winks, dreams, and reminders that all is well:

It--everything--comes to you.

The day after Steve left his body, Laurie and I had lunch at Ruby Tuesdays in Bismarck. I chose to eat there in memory of having a meal with Steve at the one in Minot. While perusing the drinks menu, I'd noted the raspberry lemonade felt appealing, but didn't order it.  I didn't say anything about it out loud to our waitress. I just went with water. As Laurie and I were enjoying our salads, our waitress came by and offered us a raspberry lemonade that she'd accidentally made for someone else. Immediately, I remembered Adamus Saint-Germain devoting a whole shoud, using a simple cup of coffee as an example, to reminding me that everything comes to me. It comes to you...keep yourself open...and just let yourself receive it...

The hawk.

Steve was a school bus driver for a number of years, and along one of his routes he told about hawks perching on a line of fence posts on a regular basis when he passed by. When we buried his ashes on our hill on the farm, a hawk circled overhead nearby.

Another hawk called out to us and perched in a branch almost in reach of us as I was walking around Oak Park in Minot with my Reiki master friend, Brenda. I was telling her about Steve's music and the way that his songs first came to him in other languages which later would translate into English. Of the losses I experienced, Steve's music was perhaps one of the greatest. When he stayed with Kelly and me, I used to feel myself shift into other dimensions while he played and sang. Brenda is aware that birds and animals that appear on our paths hold significance, so it was wonderful to have her witness and acknowledge his presence with me. 

Later on in the summer, another hawk perched in the cottonwood tree in our back yard while I was out with the cats. I had been talking to Steve while sitting on the back steps when it just flew in. This bird had a grand presence--so much so that I gathered my three kitties and put them inside. It stayed for a couple of hours. I doubt it would have harmed my cats, but I wanted to enjoy its presence without any fear. It was easier to keep myself open that way.

My dreams of Steve.

One of my favorite dreams is the one where I approached this woman sitting in a corner booth at a restaurant. She was offering her condolences at the death of my brother. But I was looking at her, inwardly shaking my head. There she was, telling me how sorry she was at the loss of my brother when said brother, Steve, was sitting right next to her in the same booth, eyes dancing with laughter, acting especially clever and silly, widely grinning, sporting a goatee!  I can still hear him belly-laughing at me with that one.

In another dream I remember reuniting joyfully with Steve and Dad. I actually walked into Dad's arms and soaked in a hug.

On the morning of January 12, 2017, I awoke remembering this part of a dream: Steve had returned to this Earth realm and he was playing his guitar and singing all the songs he'd written while he was incarnate here--all the songs I once grieved had been lost into obscurity due to his transition that humans call death.

A synchronistic encounter.

Steve and I shared a love of our local libraries and reading. I had an odd, yet sweet and profound experience at the library last fall. I was perusing the new paperbacks shelves when I realized someone was standing close behind me. I turned to acknowledge the person and to apologize for hogging the space, when I realized he was talking to me and referring to the train going by right outside the window. He told me his father drove the trains in India, that he was born in Bombay, and that later in his youth his family moved to a village of 500,000 in the Himalayas.

He continued on and recited to me a condensed version of his life story, opening his wallet to show me a picture of his American wife and of his daughter. He and his wife met at a university in Houston, Texas. After their three children had been raised, his wife's work allowed her and him to travel throughout China and Asia. After 6 years abroad, he asked her to allow them to return home to their kids and families in the US. She flew back home with him, got him settled, and then returned to China alone, where she's been ever since. Her sons even tried to get a court order to make her stay in the US. Of course, the judge ruled in her favor, while reminding her that the reason her sons did so was simply because they wanted her near.

The gentleman ended his story by opening his wallet one last time to show me his name on his driver's license: "Jayant." He still awaits his wife's return some day, and he said his name reminds him that his hope is not lost: "Jay" means "Victory"; and "ant" means "in the end." 

I admit, it threw me for a few days until I remembered to ask myself what gift he was bearing me...and then it was so clearly and wonderfully there!!! Steve, who loved the library, had his kind messenger deliver my reminder to allow for the something grander to unfold: "Victory in the end."

Reminders that pass through my mind, helping me to smile and keep myself open.

"It all works out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out, then it isn't the end yet."--The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

"Can you allow the twists and turns in your life and allow the grander something to unfold?"--Adamus Saint-Germain

"Just relax! It all happens naturally...Anding and Allowing are the tools..."--Adamus Saint-Germain

"It comes to you."--Adamus Saint-Germain

"You never did anything wrong. Nobody ever did anything wrong. Not really."--Tobias

"Open and Allow..."--Adamus Saint-Germain

My realization about death and perception in my own experiences. 

This is how dense the old mass consciousness of humanity is surrounding death: I've been flying and jumping and staying suspended in the air in my dreams again. I've had many of these types of dreams throughout my life, but I always just wrote them off as just dreams--I didn't view them as real. I have had both Mom and Dad (who died in 2001 and 2003) return to life in my dreams, but I wasn't allowing myself to celebrate and fully enjoy being with them again. Because my HUMAN MIND, which believes this reality where they are dead and long buried is the only true reality, kept jumping ahead into grief and deep, deep sadness. I felt myself braced to lose them to death right away. It totally skewed and distorted my very real interaction with them. I had them--huggable, touchable--right there with me, but I was in a deep state of depression at losing them again, believing it was coming at any moment.

All my loved ones keep appearing in my dream states, but I haven't yet had them show up in this reality, and now I understand why. The density of human mass consciousness and its systematic belief in death here doesn't keep itself open to that possibility. Most of humanity believes that dead is dead, and that we can't interact with those who have left their bodies--and this deeply felt belief keeps us imprisoned in the death story ILLUSION.

We have friends, loved ones, acquaintances and strangers walk in and out of our lives all the time--some of whom we don't see for many months or years--but when we see them we don't even question the reality of their existence with us unless we've been told that they died in the interim.

People pass in and out of this singular--my Earthly dimensional reality--all the time, and when they are gone from my physical presence they travel in dimensions I'm not aware of or even in. Yet I trust in their existence--I absolutely trust that they are alive, even if I don't see or hear or feel them in the usual sense.

Steve sometimes appears in my dreams, and then suddenly I don't perceive him for months. But this is exactly what is happening with my other brothers and sisters who are currently "alive." I love and miss them, too, when we're apart--but I don't get seduced into a deep and mournful depression surrounding their absence. I don't question or doubt their being alive. I am open to seeing them again, hugging them--and so when they appear in my reality, I celebrate and enjoy our time together while I have it, until the next time we get together.

Sometimes the possibility of death gets used by humans as a means to control others.

"You're going to feel really guilty if you don't do what I want you to do, and then I up and die before we get together again."

That's a power play--holding one's possible death over another--and it initially triggers me to get ticked off with the person doing it. But when I step back and allow myself to see we're just role-playing out a fictitious act together, I find myself grinning a bit and chuckling to myself at the funny story we have going.

When I feelingly allow myself to move through that deep inner fear to the other side of it--that this time might be our last together, that someone might die before we meet again--well, there's a light at the end of this old death tunnel story. The mourning and guilt tentacles loosen their hold on me.There is a burden-lifting freedom in realizing that I have never done, nor could do, anything truly wrong. That NO ONE has done, or will do, anything wrong. It's all just an act on all our parts.

Death is just an illusion.

Ever since my mom crossed over in the fall of 2001, I've  remembered the book of Job in the Old Testament. Job lost everyone and everything. In the end, though, his abundant life and all his friends and loved ones were restored. He truly hadn't lost anything, but he had gained a great deal of WISDOM and COMPASSION from all his "I'm just a Little Human" experiences.

We are divine spirits joyfully playing in HUMAN COSTUMES.

It's all just a big fat "Let's Pretend" story that I can allow myself to be released from at any point. Just because a loved one's death was a potential I experienced in the past doesn't mean I can't transcend the linearity of time and space here--for my loved ones are very much eternally alive and well! I just need to remain open to perceiving them and enjoying their company when they come to me, however they come to me.

And so it is...

Related Posts:
Walking On...Beyond Death With Steve
Walking On...Beyond Death With Steve, Part II
Steve's Legacy of Songs: Finding Your Own Words