The Dark Lady and Me: A Lesson On Self-Forgiveness and Self Awareness

I matter.

Forgive yourself--for everything that you feel ashamed of, guilty over. 

That wasn't the real you, and that wasn't the real me. Those were just costumes.

Our human identities are merely costumes for a Divinity exploring and experiencing itself, and harvesting the gift of wisdom that only comes from pretending to be Human.

We were playing "Let's Pretend" there are good guys and there are bad guys in this grand, SAFE and SACRED, playground--the REALITY/ILLUSION called Earth--all of it done out of love and the desire to discover, to experience, to know thyself.

Several years ago, I awakened from a dream where a dark and shadowy being towered over me, accusing me, calling me, "Dark Lady."

I can't recall any of the rest of the conversation, but I knew the title was fitting for some aspect in me, and I knew the entity was trying to feed off my feelings of guilt for a really dark and evil life-expression of my soul.

In essence, the shadowy entity was an aspect of me, too--a reflection of how I'm monitoring and using guilt and shame to prevent myself from being a cruel and harmful human again. I'm certain that the Dark Lady did some of the most abominable things anyone could do to another--and I'm pretty certain she's a life expression that I used as a motivation for enlightenment and ascension in this lifetime.

All of my life as Penny, I've carried deep feelings of guilt and shame, way out of proportion for anything I've ever done in this lifetime. I've done nothing to warrant such self-condemnation and tight self-monitoring and control. I had a deep fear of harming anyone--even unintentionally--to the point I was paralyzed when it came to making even the simplest choice. It's also made me one of the most compassionately wise and accepting human beings you'll meet.

Ascended masters, Tobias and Adamus Saint Germain both warned that those of us going through the awakening into enlightenment would probably experience these psychic attacks, and that we could command our attackers to leave. That's all we had to do--and they would have to leave.

In the dream, I did exactly that. With no room for feelings of self-doubt, I roared, "LEAVE NOW! I Command you to leave now!" And it did.

The Dark Lady aspect, through my simple self-forgiveness, is free to integrate into my BODY of CONSCIOUSNESS. I now think of all parts of myself integrating together as The Benevolent Rebel. 

However, integration doesn't happen instantly. The Dark Lady character first came into my awareness through that dream about a decade ago--and even though I was aware of her in me all this time--ten years later, I've realized her regret and sense of atonement, and self-monitoring have still been influencing the consciousness I have been radiating in my daily life as Penny.

Instead of playing the Leading Lady, the source and center of my realities--I've been playing the Best Friend Supporting Actress to my entire creation. 

I've been compromising my own desired realities by supporting and protecting the stories of bits of plasma in the form of all the other actors in my play.

I've been walking around apologizing for simply existing--as though my very breathing the air here is taking oxygen from someone more deserving.

I have been playing the lowly servant role instead of acting as the central and sovereign master who can truly be of service to her creation by being an example that we can consciously create our own realities--a life that flows with ease and grace instead of suffering and sacrifice and guilt.

I even have been sporting a scar on my right cheek that, in looking back, surfaced about the time the Dark Lady dream happened. I didn't do anything in this lifetime to wound myself there. I had a boil appear in that area in high school, but it disappeared without leaving scar tissue. By feeling, intuiting into it--I felt it was a branding wound for witchcraft that was connected with the Dark Lady life expression.

I finally see,the scar has been present in my current life as a reminder to myself to be aware that the Dark Lady is still influencing and skewing my desired manifestations. 

She's had me walking the part of the supportive best friend--apologetic and unstar-like in demeanor. 

And the energies, in complete service to me, have responded to that limited consciousness by continually manifesting a reality where I'm never the star in my own show.

As happened with the Dark Lady, people don't seem to see me unless they want something from me. They are insensitive to me. I basically end up feeling judged, betrayed and angry. I don't like feeling angry.

I have a tendency to go to the broader, more enlightened viewpoint of seeing that they are just acting FOR me as a means of my avoiding expressing anger.

But that avoidance has kept me from honoring my own experience and their acting job. That keeps me attracting that same old type of betrayal story over and over again. All because I've been afraid of my human self, knowing from the Dark Lady's lifetime how truly dark a human can go.

But the Human Being is just a Costume--a very sensual one.

Those times each of us played the bad person--we dived into the character and immersed so whole-heartedly into the role, from the understanding of what motivated one to behave in such a manner--that we convinced everyone, including ourselves, that that's who we were--period.

And because we played it so well, the "good person" in the play had the opportunity to experience his own shiningly beautiful light even more. What a gift! To be loved so much that someone was willing to risk his own reputation and life-experience in order to let another experience the wonder and beauty of themselves. But it was all JUST AN ACT--on all our parts! Humans are just costumes!

SELF-FORGIVENESS is simply realizing, and embracing, that that wasn't REALLY me! 

I acted out a role. And with that realization, all the shackles of guilt, shame and misery are loosened and fall away.

This SELF-FORGIVENESS concept was perhaps the most challenging thing for me to completely grasp. It goes hand-in-hand with learning to unconditionally love oneself. If I can forgive and love all of me, I can forgive and love anyone and everyone else with ease.

This has all been a VERY LIMITED VERSION of REALITY being played out by blind, deeply asleep humans, unaware of who we really are.

I see it as a grand illusion--a virtual reality game. That perspective helps me perceive my reality as more transparent and flexible and flowing; rather than solid, concrete, immovable, stuck. I felt safer making choices then and to allow myself to make mistakes in something less solid.

There really is no such thing as a mistake--it's all simply experience.

In the outer world mirror around me that was ultimately reflecting the conflicted inner me, I'd hear sentiments like:

"I can forgive, but I can't--or won't--forget." This basically means, "I CHOOSE not to forgive."

"God forgives everything, BUT, I can't--or won't." This means the same as, "Some god out there separate from me is capable of doing what I simply CHOOSE not to do."

As long as you make that suggested belief your own truth, some forgiving god "out there" is having way more fun than your human being.

As a result of choosing to not forgive, we find ourselves STUCK in a STORY, playing out a CHARACTER ROLE or IDENTITY that we believe is who we are--for the rest of our lives. And we walk around, limited and suffocated, with the weapons ready, the protective armor on and the guards erected, trying to convince ourselves that we still belong in this world, all the while feelingly believing that we don't deserve to even exist. If you CLOSE YOUR EYES, you can feel this inside of you.

Those above sentiments on forgiving are actually personal CHOICES. We can forgive--unconditionally and compassionately--but many choose not to, and our human minds back up that choice by using all kinds of reasons and justifications. If you really want out of the story, you'll find yourself having to tell your "justifying mind" to "SHUT UP!"

Unforgiving people are actually choosing to continue acting out stories that they often say they hate--regardless of whether they're playing the role of victim or perpetrator. Frankly, if I'm still playing in a story--even though I'm frustrated in it--I'm benefiting from it on some level. I'm liking it.

As long as I understand that I'm choosing to pretend to role-play in any story, I'm never going to be stuck in an identity again.

I can simply step out of the roles that don't feel like much fun for me, while still allowing and honoring the sovereignty of those who continue to play in that game--without judging them. 

Everyone outside of me can joyfully experience their realities, and I can enjoy mine without being affected by others' choices. It means my husband and family and loved ones can make choices that I can choose to not affect me. What they do, or how they are, doesn't have to reflect on me. I can rest, finally knowing, deep within, that we're all okay--no matter what transpires. That there is nothing I have to figure out how to fix in this world.

This planet is A SAFE SPACE to EXPERIENCE and DISCOVER ONESELF while RELATING with OTHERS. And I don't need to feel guilty about anything, about stepping back and letting go of trying to control everyone and everything--including myself.


ALLOW yourself to leave any story mid-way. 

AUTHENTICALLY FEEL the experience through, without judging how you "think" you "should be."  

Be honest--For me, that means ALLOWING myself to FEEL and EXPRESS anger at those who play my betrayers. They don't have to be present.

OBSERVE yourself acting...

I awakened one morning from a dream feeling extremely frustrated and at odds:

I was in a classroom writing down my answer to a one-question essay assignment. The only problem was my handwriting was fading as quickly as I wrote the words down. Suddenly the teacher wanted our answers typed out. I searched all over the classroom, and eventually, the school, trying to find a typewriter that wasn't being used already. I never did find a machine, and to make matters worse, a couple more questions were added to the assignment. The story just worsened and grew more complex, the longer I stayed with it--nothing in it was resolved to my satisfaction or for simple peace of mind.

When Dad was dying, I spent a good portion of those last days, trying to help finish all his unfinished business and relationships and stories in order to help him make his death transition easier and more peaceful. All of us humans naturally want to bring our stories--and our character identities--to perfect happy endings.

And that has been a stumbling block for me in stepping over the threshold into living out my own recent embodied enlightenment as a self-master.

My dream made me aware that I've been trying to finish all the old stories and relationships I played in. I was trying to bring them all to a happy conclusion, and I was still trying to make Penny into a perfect human.

She's a bit special, because it was in the lifetime role of Penny that I'm experiencing the integration of my spiritual divinity and all my other aspects and lifetimes with this one human incarnation. I not only lived out the ascension process (the awakening to self-awareness) on earth, but I also chose to then stay embodied (incarnate) as a self-master. To fore go the traditional human death story.

In the dream, I had all the answers, was writing them down with ease, but the more I tried to complete them according to the rules of my "I'm Just a Little Human" mind (symbolized by the teacher's requirements), the more complicated and frustrating the assignment became for me. In order to "keep me alive," the assignment could never actually be finished--the story couldn't end. My human mind never wanted a resolution because "it thought" that would be the end, the destruction, of Penny.

I have a dream of every community having a local theater -- a place where members can come together and consciously role-play.

So we get more comfortable with immersing into a character role, by AUTHENTICALLY FEELING our way through it WITHOUT JUDGING OURSELVES, and then switching out of it when we've had enough of a particular story.

I'd like everyone to have the opportunity to realize the joy our souls have of playing ALL kinds of PARTS together with SELF-FORGIVENESS, GRATITUDE, COMPASSION, CELEBRATION--and lots of LAUGHTER.

I have a vision where someday each person has realized that we've all just been role-playing together all along, and that our past experiences don't define us, or keep us stuck in a limited identity and genre.

We are ALL SO MUCH MORE than our pasts--and our pasts are SO MUCH MORE than we've understood.

These days I remind myself constantly of these four things:

1. It's all A FLEXIBLE HOLOGRAPHIC REALITY (my body included).

2. There is NO-thing I have to do or finish--or perfect.

3. BREATHE and ALLOW my consciousness (self-awareness) to OPEN and flow and mingle HARMONIOUSLY with all that is, within and without--without thought. Weapons down, armor off...

4. Be honest with myself about how I feel in the experience.

With releasing myself from the role of Penny, I find myself breathing so much more at ease, so much more at home in my own body than I ever was before. The protective armor and all the barriers I PUT in around me to protect myself in what felt like a really tough and harsh world are, one-by-one, dropping away as I become aware that they're there.  It's just a matter of re-minding myself to flow it through by being HONEST about myself in the experience. All my old personal demons are being put to rest--with my own gratitude for ALL the parts I played...

Little One--come sing with me!
We have a song, a joyous melody.
Little One, come lift your heart in song--
Giving thanks for ALL parts played,
Whether right or seeming wrong!
Hear the thunder, hear the ROAR--
A celebration like we've never FELT before...

Little One--at last you're free!
Little One, come and dance with me.
It's all right, you've let your story be told,
And in the LIGHT of DAY, behold:
You're a WONDER!
Life's a GIFT!
A celebration of ALL THAT IS!
Though you stumble, though you fall--
When it all is said and done,
All there is IS LOVE!

Everything in my life has manifested in service to me--it's my creation--even the distorted ones. I get betrayed by those I love and admire because it's not appropriate for me to worship or protect or place them higher than myself.

Anger, when I allow it, is a great shaker-upper. It knocks others off the pedestal on which I've placed them--and has us standing on the same level.

I've already created the reality I desire--I'm now experiencing the process of it manifesting for me. It all comes to me...

Everything in my life is here FOR ME! Everything is a gift of experience.

"I am THAT, I am all of that, I am!"

I matter...I am worthy....