Walking On...Beyond Death With Steve, Part II

Click this link for Walking on...Beyond Death With Steve, Part 1


When Steve was 14, he crossed over the Veil, and the love and music that he experienced while there profoundly affected the course of his life: He told me his greatest desire was to bring that all-accepting love here to this Earthly reality world. He could also read people's hearts from the aura around them. 

He joined a Christian church in search of something that would resonate with that experience, and though it did help him develop his voice and musical gifts, it ended up being a stepping stone. It was limited, and it wasn't answering all the questions he had, so he left; and he opened up to receiving his answers from myriad sources throughout his life: often something he read in a book or heard from a person, from a vision or an experience he had, and mainly from his own knowingnesses from within.

In the most recent August 2016 Shoud, Adamus shared with us that in the last year over 100 Shaumbra--meaning awakened and conscious human beings--found themselves unexpectedly on the other side of the veil. They didn't commit suicide, their bodies just gave out. Some of them suffered strokes or heart attacks or some such--and they simply found themselves on the other side.

This awakening and enlightenment and transfiguration isn't easy stuff--everything about you is released and changed biologically, mentally and spiritually all the way back through a person's ancestral, both biological and spiritual, beginnings. It changes your very DNA.

Everything goes new, and even though it happens naturally and there's no going back, it's a difficult and tremendous shift. Steve and I both had lower back issues that affected our ability to walk. You may experience head and upper back pains, and pains in the heart, the sides and stomach, and pains in your limbs and extremities. You may have skin issues. Your vision is affected. Your thinking and mental processes don't work so well. Sometimes you can't sleep enough, and other times you don't sleep much at all. I've experienced hot and cold flashes, like menopause, only this affects both men and women and is more intense. It lasted for nearly half a year, and just when I thought I was done, it showed up again after Steve left.

It's all unique to the individual, and often there's really very little a doctor can do--our medical system has a "diagnose and let's fix this thing that's wrong with you perspective"--and truly nothing is wrong, not from our viewpoint. We are just changing, going through a metamorphosis. All of it is very personal and it's often hard to find the words to share with other people. 

There is a deep and profound passion that keeps one pressing on, even when the body hurts, and I've found myself enduring more pain and hardship than I need to because of my desire to get past this part of our story. I've been reminded lately that truly loving myself means taking the pressure off my already-challenged body and using whatever therapy occurs to me in the moment to help give myself a reprieve, to take the edge off so I can enjoy this now moment, and not get so focused on the future. I have all the time in the world to serve me, and I gave myself this particular gift of experience--I should savor it instead of trying to race my way to some finish line.

I have recently given myself a little help through homeopathy for the allergic symptoms and for the hot and cold flashes/spinal energy surges. Homeopathic remedies, administered in minute dosages, basically induce the body to experience the same symptoms, only less intensely, so that it stimulates one's innate body to balance itself naturally, as it has always known how to. Kryon, as channelled through Lee Carroll, has spoken quite clearly on the benefits of homeopathy. BUT, for emotional issues, as Adamus notes, I would NOT use it--homeopathy means "more of the same," so if you're already depressed, you'll be even more so before it swings the other direction. I use it only for the physical symptoms.

Adamus has recommended to have simple body work done, like massage and Reiki, to help flow the stuck energies. I have had my husband and Steve rub out the sore spots from time to time, but I've yet to treat myself to a massage from a trained therapist. 

Baths and water therapy helps, and I walk quite a bit out in nature or spend time outside gardening and playing with our cats. Our pets are some of the most supportive beings in this journey, and Steve's cat, Buddy, was one of his best friends, too. On Father's Day last year, Buddy brought him a live, unharmed baby bunny. He dropped it in Steve's hands.

Adamus Saint-Germain has told us many times over the years that people who transition across the Veil of Forgetting (aka, people who die), their consciousness (which is eternal) actually leaves their bodies sometimes weeks in advance of their bodies physically dying--and that it happens regardless of whether it's an illness or a seeming accident. It's been helpful for me to know this because Adamus said that they don't suffer with pain then, even though the person may appear to be in pain--that's just the body, the human shell, going on in its established patterns and stories. Also, their human minds can continue chattering long after the physical body has died.

With that said, when I remember my last visit on the phone with Steve a couple weeks prior to the wedding, he mentioned looking deeply within at your fear surrounding death as one way of gaining full understanding of going beyond--that a human's fear of death is what keeps one imprisoned in this old consciousness reality. In short, I believe he was trying to tell me even then that he had already died, so to speak--though as unexpectedly on his part as much as mine. I didn't go there with him at the time because I didn't expect him to die--we were going through this together, both staying embodied in our enlightenment on this side. At least, that was our hope, because both of us know not to get too attached to an outcome or human plan.

The Saturday morning of our last coffee date, I realized I was drinking my coffee from the red fiesta ware cups that the restaurant uses. Steve commented that the servers there knew not to serve him using that color. He had an aversion to that specific red--red is the root chakra color, the one most connected with the Earth energies. It's a grounding energy, and when I commented that I had no problem with it, Steve replied that he was having a hard time grounding himself--staying embodied--here. 

I just thought at the time that this was more of the same conversation we'd had for years. It wasn't news to me that he was having difficulty with this--all of us Shaumbra have dealt with the difficulty of keeping our energies anchored with the Earth story. Now, I think he was trying to tell me once again the news I didn't want to hear, the twist and turn in my road. I see all this stuff in retrospect--hindsight is 20/20.

In looking back, he was trying to tell me he had already crossed over by blinking at me while on the ventilator in the hospital, but I was focused on it being transfiguration symptoms that would eventually balance themselves, and human Penny only saw what she wanted to see. Things truly did work out--and even though I persisted in my errant belief at the time--I was still always open to anything and everything that happened, even his possible and what ended up being, for all of us, his very real death. 

Synchronicities happened throughout this experience in the hospital, his transition, and the burial of his ashes on the hill, with people who knew his various wishes and attitudes towards life appearing at just the right time and place. We truly couldn't have planned it any better. His caregivers were sensitive and compassionate. Everything just flowed. Love and gratitude and kindness truly was all around. 

Even when someone thought they'd made a mistake, it turned out to be the best thing that could happen. An example is when our youngest brother read his invitation wrong and missed the wedding. But because of that, he was close to Bismarck and was able to meet Steve when they flew him from Bowman (a 3 hour drive for the rest of us) to the Sanford Hospital ICU. It was important to all of us that Steve see a familiar and loving face when he got there.

So, as I'm writing this, I'm realizing more clearly that Steve really had already found himself on the other side of the veil, probably at least 2 weeks prior to his son's wedding, an event he really wanted to be present for. During our phone visit, he told me he'd been writing a song for his son and new daughter-in-law, and he was excited to spend time with his daughter and her family while they were back. 

One of the great things about embodied enlightenment is that you take your energetic body with you when you decide to leave this life, and that it's then easy to incarnate at will afterwards. It's my understanding that we don't leave a corpse behind for someone to have to deal with. Remember Yeshua/Jesus--his body disappeared from the tomb, and days later, his loved ones and apostles were able to perceive him.

This situation left us with a dilemma. We had a physical body here yet, and Steve had some unfinished personal things he sincerely desired to see resolved. Basically, he made it through the wedding celebration, and then we managed to extend it a week and a half after the major stroke in order to bring everything to resolution, and to allow those of us especially close to him the time to come to some semblance of inner peace and let go.


I developed a twitch in my left eye the first day of his stroke that I realized meant I was connected with Steve on another consciousness level. Whether I was at home or while sitting beside him, I'd feel myself moving from one dimension to another--feeling slightly off-kilter and a bit nauseated, not fully in my body. While in this state, I channelled his wishes to his kids. The annoying twitch left after his body shut down. I think of it as my dreamwalking twitch.

Steve and I talked often about how blessed we were to have the biological family that we shared--we have amazingly sensitive and freedom-honoring parents and siblings. We don't get in one another's business, and while we may hold different viewpoints on some subjects, it's never really mattered--ultimately, we're there for each other, no matter what. And it's done in a quiet way--we're not, any of us, much into making speeches, even at our loved ones celebrations.

Steve loved nature, and he adored those divine beings who played the roles of his children and grandchildren, nieces, nephews, siblings, parents and friends. He and I saw all of us as being more than our human roles. His children weren't his to own or control--they were gifts in his life--sovereigns of their own life, and free to be. His desire for all of us was to have happy, abundant in all ways, lives.


I know I wasn't off in my understanding that Steve was going through transfiguration--it's been going on for quite some time. He was enlightened, meaning he knew he was the source and center, the creator and perceiver of his own realities, and he accepted full and compassionate responsibility for everything in his life--blaming nothing and no one outside of himself, not even himself. We know it's all just a matter of giving ourselves the chance to express and to know thyself more profoundly through experience. 

Adamus described Yeshua as experiencing a shortness of breath and chest pains during his transfiguration, as witnessed by a couple of the apostles--that he initially thought he was having a heart attack after his trek up the mountain, and that he wasn't in the best of physical shape at the time either. And remember, he also said that someday we would do all the things he did, and more...

...and as far as Steve was concerned, it's all about LOVE...the real all-accepting LOVE he knew and practiced...

Related Posts:
Walking On...Beyond Death With Steve
Walking On...Beyond Death With Steve, Part III
Steve's Legacy of Songs: Finding Your Own Words

Walking On...Beyond Death With Steve

On Friday, June 3rd, 2016, I returned to my hometown of Bowman, ND to celebrate my nephew's wedding the next day. Saturday morning, my cell rang at 6:15 a.m. It was my brother, Steve, telling me to get my ass up to Jabr's for coffee. He said that I could sleep all I wanted at home, but we had things to do while I was in town.

On Sunday, the morning after the wedding, I awoke right on the dot of 6:00 a.m., intending to use the bathroom, when my cell phone rang. Again, it was Steve, father of the groom, and he slurred out to me that he thought he was having a stroke...two weeks later, after a traumatic hospital experience, we buried his ashes next to Mom and Dad's on the Big Hill on my family's farm.

It's all just a dream...my dream...

What I used to call my reality, I now understand, is really just one dream of many. This Earth dream realm--with its time and space and gravity--is just more sensual and dense--more real-feeling--than any others.

When I try to manipulate or fix something from within my dream persona--for instance, like I'm a prisoner trying to break out of a jail cell using a tool--it doesn't work out. In recurring sleep-state dreams I try to clean myself, clear myself. I find myself  in bathroom scenes where showers and toilets are non-functioning, or I have a public audience when I want privacy. I search for clothing for some occasion, clothing that I just knew I had at one time, but cannot find. In these dreams I end up being thwarted in all my attempts and I awaken to this world feeling frustrated.

These dreams were reflections of how I try to perfect my human self by trying to control and manipulate myself and others outside me from within this dense and sensually gritty dream world. This is impossible to do from within a limited I am only human consciousness. I can't POWER my way through something in order to change it.

This earthly dream world is not as fluid as the other dreaming dimensions because humans are unaware that we're each just having a dream. We believe it's our only reality. As long as my conscious radiation is one of a limited, "imperfect/need-to-fix" human, I will continually have energies serving me up a dish of nightmares filled with me in an undesirable state.

So how do I change a dream?

First, I wake up from it. It isn't called "awakening into enlightenment" for nothing.

Then I remind myself it was "just a dream," to take a few deep breaths to re-center myself and let it all go and relax. If it was a nightmare, I tell myself to quit thinking about it and I focus on a different subject. Later, when I'm open and at ease, the wisdom gleaned from the nightmare comes to me, and it's a gift that transforms the negative dream experience into something to celebrate.

Get out of your own way!

I always gain wisdom from my dreams regardless of whether they're nightmares or enjoyable flights of fancy. Don't judge anything or anyone as being either good or bad because judgments LIMIT the dream experience and stop the unfolding of THE MORE that is possible.

Judging is how we get in our own way.

There are potentials of perceiving a loved one who has crossed the veil that are kept from manifesting in this earth dream because the DEATH illusion is so accepted as truth in the majority of the consciousness of humans on this planet.

But I can perceive loved ones who have supposedly died, and I have been doing so for years in my dreams...I just didn't REALIZE that I was doing so because I was deep asleep in this DEATH is my only reality mass hypnosis. I would awaken from those dreams into this one, reminding myself that they were actually really dead.

I kept my past manifesting as my present experience because I was re-membering the feelings of the negative traumas; and, due to their supposed death, I was feeling the loss of positive joys I would no longer experience with the individual.

Steve wasn't just my biological brother. He was my spiritual brother, a Shaumbra brother. We talked of learning how to change our reality, of being truly sovereign and free, even of going beyond death. We were each other's phone call when a new profound insight or experience happened.

Through this latest experience with Steve, it came roaring to the forefront for me of how the focus of the crucifixion of Yeshua (aka Jesus) was on the pain he suffered; yet little is said about what Mary Magdalene and all his loved ones experienced watching all of this happen to him, not knowing how it was going to play out or what to expect. My beloved humans--it's not romantic to have your loved ones suffering hospital waiting rooms, or having them watch you struggle for breath or life while you're playing out being the victim of some disease or tragic accident.

All the while this act of Steve dying of a stroke was playing out, I had the sense that he and I were doing this in order to blow a hole in the old consciousness, to open up a new perspective. And the only way you do that is by living it out yourself.

The hospital experience with him was hellish and traumatic and difficult...and yet, it was easier for me this time because I was in a place of allowing and knowing that no one did, or could do, anything wrong. I felt gratitude and freedom in letting go of an outcome, and I knew Steve was of a similar attitude. I was at ease just being a clear, powerless, and loving presence with him in his transformation. Still, it was a hard nightmare to have it play out the way it did.

The Limited Human feeling of loss I felt at the death of a best friend was devastating. He wrote songs of such love, unconditional acceptance, and compassion based in messy experience that no one else but me would ever hear. He played guitar and sang his poetry with the height and depth of angelic choirs. The music would initially come to him in different languages or tongues, and as he played it, the English translation would emerge. My humanity raged and sobbed in despair--and this has lasted over two months.

I had to tell myself to quit dwelling in the past, to just let it all go.

Let the nightmare go, Pen...and don't try to control or drive the future...

Just wake up, take deep breaths and relax right now. Feel the freedom of the release from awakening from the nightmare. Allow yourself to enjoy the feeling of freedom and ease and gratitude that it was all just a dream...

I didn't lose a thing, not really... 

Just like Steve's story of his own recurring nightmare of the hand from the creek on our farm grabbing his loved ones, one-by-one, with him as the last victim, only to discover that, instead of the hell he expected, it was a big party and celebration with everyone there.

Just like in the Old Testament story of Job, I lost everything and everyone I loved in that old nightmare...and when I awakened, not only was every single loved one still here with me, but it was all so much more precious because of all the wisdom I gained from this Earth dream that I once believed was my sole reality...

The prison of this limited Earth dream in a human avatar set me free...



Related Posts:
Walking On...Beyond Death With Steve, Part 2
Walking On...Beyond Death With Steve, Part 3
Steve's Legacy of Songs: Finding Your Own Words

Acceptance and Discernment vs.Trying to Justify Judgments

Every time I make a judgment
--good or bad--
I make my world LESS SAFE for ME to be in.

I've realized I don't need to try to justify the awful things humans do to themselves and others anymore. My simple acceptance changes my world.

I don't need to get into the details of why some commit the inhumane things they do. I KNOW they're just pretending to play a character role, and they've forgotten that they are more than that singular human being act they have going. They've forgotten that they're a sovereign consciousness having an experience of themselves.

And when I see those human atrocities and tragedies from this perspective, I know that this, my friends, is the place of pure acceptance--unconditional love and compassion. There is nothing for me to try to fix.

When I look at myself and anyone else around me as more than the roles they play as a human being--when I acknowledge this to myself and/or to them--then, for me, what we do, or don't do, doesn't matter anymore.

My acceptance releases them from being stuck in that role--but only for me. This is why any generally applied political policy or law will not work. You, alone, and the people with whom you're interacting with in the moment at hand are the only ones aware of the nuances of your interaction. Your personal energies are arranging themselves to manifest a reality that matches what your consciousness is radiating out as your truth in that specific moment.

Acceptance is simply acknowledging, "That IS a way to be. Thank you for the gift of wisdom I gained from that experience...period. (No judging about our being right or wrong, no expecting some god out there to justify our judgments of ourselves, or any other, as righteous)."

Acceptance does not judge. Acceptance neither condones nor condemns. Acceptance opens and flows....

I've long wrestled with trying to figure out the difference between discernment and judgment. I've heard so many people quoting their "Word of God Bible," using literal words in blatantly judgmental manners...and they call that discernment. They say they're leaving the judgment up to God--but, would an All-Loving god be judgmental at all? In Jesus's parable of the Prodigal Son, the character of the Father embraced his son and threw a feast at his return. There were no recriminations, no judgments--just a celebration at their being reunited.

Judgment says, "That's no way to be."....and....it manifests a prison--stops the energy flow and builds a construct, a barrier.

Discernment says, "That is a way to be...AND...I know there are other ways--other possibilities--and I'm open to allowing MYSELF to experience and perceive those as well." ....and....it allows the energies to continue flowing on through and by without creating a construct--aka, a reality to experience--until its master (you) chooses to play out a concept appealing to you....

I don't believe discernment forces itself upon anyone else, it doesn't play the power game--instead, it honors sovereignty, it honors freedom--for everyone.

I've read that sacred book of stories, and it says NOT to study the literal words, but to weigh things in with your own heart--and utilize and apply only that which resonates SOLELY--or SOULY--with YOU! In other words, trust yourself first and above all others outside of yourself. You're the only one living that life of yours, and you're the only one who knows what is the easiest and most graceful way of being for yourself. You're the one who actually lives with yourself.

And once you trust yourself, it's then easy to trust everyone outside of you--to allow them their own sovereignty over their own reality creations, their own life.

For me, acceptance is simply another word for unconditional, undistorted, pure LOVE! And that resonates with me!

Accepting All Aspects of Oneself

Integration means eventually accepting everything about yourself--all the roles the life expressions of your soul have played and all the thoughts and feelings you've ever had.

For me, that means getting to the place of realizing it didn't really ever matter what I did, or didn't do, or what I thought or felt. The gift of wisdom was gained from it all.

It was just an experience, and no one was really harmed in it. You know, like that disclaimer they attach to movies where animals are hurt or abused in the storyline--"No animals were actually harmed in the making of this film." I look at all the stories and dramas and traumas playing out around and within me, and that line now pops in quite frequently; and it helps me breathe and flow more easily and gracefully through the experience. I'm not stuck in situations for quite as long as I was in the past.

I think I always had a very human-based idea about how it would be to live the life of a master like Yeshua (aka Jesus) or Saint Germain. I thought it meant I would be a much more perfect human, and that, just with the snap of my fingers, life would go the way I wanted, or chose, it to.

But no, it doesn't. I'm still far from being a perfect specimen of a human being--and I realize I never will be. That perfection doesn't matter and is no longer a goal for me. I have really enjoyable moments and days, and I have some tough days, too. Sometimes my creations work out as I hoped, and most times, not--after all, I'm quite new to learning to live the life of embodied enlightenment.

No one can really teach me or increase my awareness--and I feel a tremendous joy in realizing that. I'm doing it, living it out my own way, and with my own time and space. I'm not in comparison or competition with anyone or anything else. This is my life.

I have multitudes of different lifetimes and aspects of my soul to integrate, patterns to release myself from. Many of those patterns and routines--traditions, even--are so automatic for me that I often don't realize I'm thinking it or doing it, until my little cyclical routine encounters a blip, big or small.

It helped to hear Adamus Saint-Germain (of crimsoncircle.com) tell us that he still had a life expression from thousands of years ago that he still needed to allow to integrate--and he's been an ascended master for many, many years. These aspects come in when they decide to come home, and no amount of cajoling and pressure by my human self is making them return any quicker--because they're free, you see, to be however as long as they choose. The master allows all of his/her creations absolute freedom of being.

These dreams...
For awhile, I knew I was dreaming at night and during my naps, but upon awakening I had no recollection of them. That's changed quite drastically the last few months. I'm having the recurring dreams of my past and the violent, ugly ones that I scream myself--and my husband--awake with. I'm also having the really bizarre ones that go on and on without making much sense to my limited human mind and perception. And then I have the occasional one where I feel so dirty, so ashamed of myself.

The Prostitute Dream:
Last week I awoke in the morning feeling both relieved that that nightmare I was just in was not my reality here, and feeling revolted by my actions and rationaliztions while in that dream world reality. 

I was a prostitute in that dream. For the measly amount of $16 total, I was serving a line-up of guys according to what they wanted me to do. I was absolutely repulsed by their demands and by my giving into them...and at the same time, it was a matter of honor for me to keep my agreement with them. I had to see it through...

The disgust I felt with myself stayed with me long after awakening, and the only way it--and the replaying of the awful scenes in my mind--dissipated was when I acknowledged what I was feeling and thinking while in the dream...and when I did that, then I remembered that I was integrating all these past life expressions and aspects into my soul. What better way to have that happen than during the night while in my "sleep state" in this reality?

It's much easier to let a dream go, to accept it as an illusion, thus, release myself from it. It's the stuff that I actually remember playing out in my past of this human lifetime that feels more sticky. Though, our past is simply illusion, too, unless we bring it into our NOW, which guilt and unresolved feelings around it have a tendency of doing. Acceptance truly allows resolution of anything.

All that I had to do, whether in dream state or what I think of as my "real" life, was accept that some part of me played a role that wasn't exactly noble or on the light side, and that ultimately it didn't really matter. It was just an experience--there was nothing wrong or right about it...period.

While my Judgmental, Limited Human Mind yelled, "That's NO WAY to be!", my I am self acceptingly said, "That IS a way to be. Thank you for playing that out for me. Thank you for the wisdom WE gained from our experience."

As the days have passed, I've realized more about the dream. The amount of $16 dollars is representative to me of the master number 44 (4 x 4 = 16). I also read a book several years back about the handful of common archetypal roles every human incarnates in with. One of those is the Victim, which I've found myself drawn to extensively write about in this blog. Another one is the Prostitute.

When I shared the gist of the dream with my brother, even he could relate to it, especially when applying it to how we humans conduct our personal lives and our business lives. The Prostitute is an influential role in pretty much every facet of a human's life, and will continue to affect humans as long as they're unaware of its existence.

We've been programmed to willingly prostitute ourselves in a form of slavery called a "job." Lately, I'm hearing the unawakened, highly generalized, refrain about "kids these days just don't want to work." It's stated generally by a workhorse personality whose identity (conditional acceptance of themselves) revolves around her/his job and how hard they work and how often their work ethic is taken for granted.

Have they considered that maybe these so-called kids have played the part of the conscientious worker in some other lifetime? That these young people of today are aware somewhere deep inside that life can be, and is, so much more than doing a job for someone else, than enslaving themselves to another being? Have they considered that maybe these young people aren't being lazy? That they're just aware of and open to new potentials of experience? This type of scenario would come about due to a rise in overall human consciousness...so maybe it should be celebrated?

Maybe many of these people have chosen to NOT BE A SLAVE to old mass consciousness expectations--and to do differently than the traditions of society is a COURAGEOUS endeavor. It's not for the faint of heart to decide to be and do differently. You get judged for being different. There is nothing wrong about the old or the new consciousness...and there is nothing right about either of them. They are all just various PATHS of EXPERIENCE.

The things we do to "earn a living"--the things we feel commited to do in order to honorably fulfill our part of an agreement with another party--well, let's just say they don't always feel so heroic--as graphically illustrated by my prostitute dream.

If you're willing to step back and look at it honestly, even the traditional marriage reflects the prostitute archetype. Even though I'm in a traditional marriage recognized by church and state, I would not get married that way ever again. Somedays I just want to burn the old paperwork because of its limitations that the two of us accepted. We don't need any other being refereeing or interfering in something that only the two of us are creating.

I trust the issue will resolve itself without me having to figure it all out or mess with any paperwork to undo something that was truly unwittingly done by the two of us in an old and limited consciousness. We got married because that's how we were raised, and we were afraid to rock the boat. We prostituted our own sovereignty in order to get the benefits of being recognized as a married couple.

I like and choose to be with my husband, and he with me, day by day and moment by moment... and still, I can feel into how it could be so much easier and more FREE to be able to be together or separate, to honor our individual paths without the paperwork and legal hassles of government and religious organizations being involved in an agreement between us two sovereign and awake people. Our relationship is our co-creation.

We don't have children. But marriage doesn't make a person a good parent. For me, a great parent is one who recognizes the child in their life as an equal being, with a life and passion all their own. Loving beings playing the role of parents set boundaries as needed in the moment and don't treat others as being better or lesser than themselves. So if children come from the union of two people, well, the sooner the two adults involved realize that the child they helped bring into incarnation is simply a sovereign being of their own right and not a piece of property for the parents to indoctrinate into their own way of thinking and to fight about and over, the better.

I digress. That last part popped in and raced off on another tangent. Obviously, I'm a bit passionate about it. Our relationships, intimate and otherwise, have the potential to be so much more enjoyable all the way around for everyone when we take a step back and open up our viewpoint to look at things in new, more FREEDOM HONORING ways. Just because something's been done a certain way for millenia doesn't mean it's fitting or even sane to continue doing now in this new consciousness. I'm ready for a change.

...and I'm receiving change. It's happening all around me and within me.

So my idea of mastery now is nothing compared to the expectations I had about what it would be like. Mastery simply means I'm aware that I'm the Creator of my experiences. I'm consciously living my own life now.

As a babe in the newness of the Master perspective, I'm sure to still have moments of finding myself seduced into playing some old situations out a few, even numerous more times, and...because of my expanded awareness, and with that, my ability to step back from the dramatic scene and see things more clearly, I'm able to flow it through my reality more easily and gracefully.

Even on days when I feel stuck in a situation, I KNOW I won't stay stuck for long anymore. I realize things just circle around to me over and over again until I've played it out and suddenly realize it doesn't really matter to me anymore...and with that realization--resolution!

In short, I'm finding I'm really not that hard to accept--not even my icky bits!

Pain Is an Illusion

"Pain is just an illusion, 
though it does really hurt like hell."
(Paraphrasing Adamus Saint-Germain)

According to Adamus, pain is a memory of a trauma stored in the cells of our body of consciousness. It's an illusion. It's the memory of a pattern in the way that space and time flows to and through us.

The wonder and miracle of the human avatar.

Our consciousness, our bodies never actually move. Our feet never actually touch the ground in a push-force movement when we walk. Yet, our body's intelligence and our five senses tell us that we have body parts--bone, tissue, organs, nerves and muscle that feel and interact with the world around us. It's so convincing that we really feel like we have bodies that need to breathe and pump blood, and that we can die if certain parts of us are traumatized to a certain extent that they can no longer function properly. We believe we exert effort and we are the ones who trudge through time and space. That is the beauty of the gift of this human body avatar. It FEELS so REAL!

As I wrote the above paragraph, I kept seeing clips from the actual movie, Avatar. It keeps popping into my mind as I'm experiencing myself going for walks. I notice more and I take less for granted--I'm more aware--when I imagine myself as being a human avatar. My body is the vehicle--or robot--that I use to experience this--my--reality world.

But we never move, and objects and other beings never actually move in our reality. Our own limbs don't move. Time and space flows through and around us in different patterns creating the objects and movements we perceive as our reality. We exert no effort, we just believe and feel like we do.

And we've been re-creating our world--pretty much the same type of situations over and over again--because of this foundational belief that we are little humans moving through a huge world. Time and space is stuck in a pattern of flow in service to our belief. It only becomes unstuck when we start choosing to shift our perspective around.

I've been out walking and enjoying this new perspective of time and space flowing to and through and around me, rather than me lugging and hauling a tired and sometimes run-down feeling body over hard terrain. Then I get home and the bottoms of my feet are sore, bordering on feeling blistered, and I experience sudden jolts of pain through my hip and legs. What was once an enjoyable excursion delighting in the pain-free length of my stride and a feeling of limitless energy shifted into a night of sleeplessness filled with hip pain followed by a morning of the same thing.

But it was another beautiful sunny day in March, so I couldn't resist taking another walk, even though the jolts were still there, though not quite as bad. When a hitch in my shortened stride hit, I chose to take a conscious breath with it and to remind myself it was just a cellular memory--an illusion--and I assured myself that there was nothing wrong with me. That there was nothing to fix.

There was nothing I needed to adjust--it was just a memory of a pattern of the flow of time and space based on a past experience that I had once judged as something that was wrong with me.

With that BREATH of remembrance that truly all is well with me and all of creation, the pain left--and I was able to enjoy my time pretending I was walking outside in nature without issue.

Emotional pain is an illusion, too.

A few posts back, I told about the fear I feel inside every time my husband leaves me, especially when he takes his motorcycle out for a ride. We had a 70 degree day in March this past Sunday, and he couldn't resist taking it out for a spin. I took myself out for a walk before he left in order to help myself look at the whole situation differently. It helped me to get out of the house--away from stewing and listening and waiting for him in the old manner.

I lost my first boyfriend in a motorcycle accident--that's a pretty traumatic cellular memory. It's a painful illusion that I've BEEN CHOOSING to haul around for decades. It was a living hell for me coming home to see my parents and siblings waiting out on the steps for me to get home from my night out with my cousin.

Yet, even as I screamed, a part of me observed myself acting the part. I knew I was acting. I drama-queened it. I was behaving "appropriately" for the circumstances.

It wasn't that I didn't care that he was gone, because that loss did hurt...and yet...a part of me still watched the whole thing play out like the movies. I felt a bit guilty about that sense of detachment, and I spent years punishing myself for simply authentically feeling that way about such a traumatic experience.

As I walked it through, seeing and feeling it from the perspective of it simply being a memory and an illusion that I could actually CHOOSE to let go of, the whole situation shifted for me. I was no longer "poor Penny."

I've always acknowledged that not everyone dies riding motorcyles or any of those other toys and vehicles people seem to love. This was something I've known all along, yet I kept inserting myself into that story the same way. I was literally choosing to continue the act I had going, so it stayed the same. When I look back, in a warped way, I was mentally trying to protect myself from feeling that pain again. My thoughts angrily jumped to having to deal with a ripped up body to bury and all the details of a life without him--always, I was questioning how I would handle it the next time around, heaven forbid.

Yet, all I had to do was to CHOOSE in one moment, to decide that I didn't have to make that my story anymore. I could choose to be FREE of it, and so I was! It was as simple as that. I let the story and my identifying with it go.

It's rather hard to find the words to convey this in a way you might be able to feel. It was just so simple and effortless--it only took that one moment of clarity to decide to let it go. My human mind was surprised. It almost couldn't believe it was so easy, and yet it was okay with me just quitting the issue. We'd had enough playtime with that story.

It was just an illusion--it was the memory of a past experience that I used as a tool to help shake myself awake from the hypnosis of believing I was an insignificant human puppet with someone else pulling my strings.

No one's pulling my strings anymore. I know I am the creator effortlessly creating my own reality--and I'm also aware that I'm the only one who can perceive it the way I do.

I'm the only one who can choose to change my perception of an experience.

Pain is just a cellular memory.

"Whenever you are able to accept 
whatever state you are in
without seeing it as wrong,
then you really have breakthroughs." (Lee Harris)

And so I did, and so it is...

The Ultimate Virtual Reality Game: Who Needs a Helmet or Avatar?

Who needs the helmet or avatar? We're already playing the Ultimate Virtual Reality Game. Only, humans are so immersed in the game--and these other games within the game--that most of us have forgotten we are each an eternal point of consciousness playing in vehicles and costumes we call the human body. Even our bodies aren't moving--they're just Bon, aka Time/Space, flowing in a particular pattern around us. We've forgotten that the world that surrounds us is our own energies arranging themselves in service to us by matching our radiation of conscious awareness.

If our awareness is limited, the energies in service to our consciousness tailor or weave themselves to match that, and so we then have a limited reality to play in. A limited reality is not bad--it's just a narrow slice of what's possible to experience.

This is an incredible and amazing gift we've each given ourselves, and the more I focus on perceiving it all as flowing to me and through or past me, the more I feel myself smiling and laughing and overjoyed at the wonder of it all.

I've been walking and eating and bathing, and being amazed that the Universe is flowing to me and past me, instead of me trudging and struggling through it. I am the constant, the stillness. In service to me, time and space are moving to me. The stairs ascend to and past me instead of my walking down them.

I'm amazed at how real the illusion of walking is for me--the horizon jiggles with the bounce in my step. The winds flow across my eardrums in a low and hollow whumping. My body muscles and nerves and tissue register sensations that say I'm exerting effort, that I'm taking steps that are jarring to my body, sometimes even tripping--and it's so real, it's almost unbelievable that I'm not actually moving.

All of this is happening without the use of computers or technology of any kind. See how remarkable we are?

I've been savoring the experience of eating homemade multigrain toast with lots of butter--the crisp and chewy, toasted, buttery nuttiness of it. The pleasure of it in my mouth, crunched between my teeth, rolled across my taste buds and tongue; the flavors and textures and sounds pulsing through me as I seemingly swallow. I quit worrying about whether or not it will have a good or bad effect on me, and simply enjoy the moment of it.

And when I do that, I see how it is possible for me to enjoy the human experience of eating without needing to eat specific nutrients or to exercise in order to have a resilient body. Suddenly I understand that it will flow through me as long as I don't worry and feel ashamed or guilty about it--as long as I don't analyze the right or wrongness of it--as long as I don't judge it. As long as I lovingly and gracefully ALLOW myself the simple experience of it...period.

Awareness of Bon in my dreams

"(It's) funny how in dreams your feet never touch the Earth..." These Dreams, as sung by Nancy Wilson, of Heart.

Our dreams are real dimensions or realities. They just aren't as gritty, dense, or as sensual as this Earth reality. And our human minds try to interpret these other realities based on our past limited Earthly human experiences. That's why they often don't make sense to us. Many of my dreams don't just border on it--they are bizarre and unsettling sometimes. And sometimes they are so freeing and awesome!

In my dreams, I am more aware of the flow of Time-Space (Bon) to and through or past me. My feet never contact the ground like in this TRULY SENSUAL Earth reality. In my dreams there is no Push-Force contact with the ground or any other surface I might touch. I feel no jarring, no friction, no pain in my feet, limbs or body as Time-Space moves through me.

It's much easier in my dreams to recognize that I never actually move--that Bon moves to me and through me, flowing in patterns that make objects appear to come closer to me and then move past me.

When I jump in my dreams, there is no launching from off the solid ground. I simply spring into the air effortlessly, suspended for lengths of time and distance inconceivable here in the Earth reality. I drive vehicles on roads that narrow until they disappear and I'm suddenly zooming along just a ridgeline too narrow for my wheel-base, and yet I don't tip over or crash. I float on the wind currents like a leaf and the landscape contours flow below me, making it appear as though I am the one flying--as though I am the one moving through the air.

But I am the constant. I never move. I never have.

In my dreams, I float with ease to the peaks of high mountains and tops of buildings and cliffs, and then my Earthly human mind kicks in and suddenly I feel trapped up there with no way of safely getting down the sheer walls and faces without falling to my death, or so I BELIEVE...

I don't get dirty, my clothes don't get soiled--not really. They have the potential of staying clean and unaffected should I walk through a deep mud puddle--if I allow that potential in. My mind and body intelligence has been so programmed to FEELINGLY/ SENSUALLY BELIEVE that I am dirty after a certain amount of TIME and my supposed movement through SPACE (like getting sweaty from the efforting) that I've not been radiating cleanliness from my conscious awareness, thus the energies in service to me, continually flow to manifest the patterns of dirty-ness and the need to wash and clean-up after myself.

In my dreams, I seldom actually feel the sensation of clothing against my skin. I remember a dream of reaching out to grasp another human's hand and being amazed at actually feeling its warmth--that's not something I normally experience in dreams that I remember. The five senses are for this Earthly reality experience, so it's kind of fun when there is a bleed-through of different realities.

So, how do I get beyond that old reality here? How do I realize the Bon here? I allow...

I KNOW this now. I'm aware of it now. So I simply keep my guards lowered and I allow...

No trying to figure out how to do it. No judgment of anything or anyone. I just breathe with ease and gratitude for this truly incredible, amazing and sensual ability of experience in my human costume and my limited human ways...and I allow...

...and when it happens, I won't panic, because now I have enough realization ahead of the actual experience. I know to just let it flow freely, to let myself just--be.

Thank you for your betrayal...

"Giving thanks for all parts played, whether right or seeming wrong."

Thank you for your service, for loving me so much you were willing to play my transgressor for a moment.

Thank you to my husband, my family, my teachers, my neighbors, my pets, my friends.

Thank you to my communities, my governments, my religions, my businesses, and employment jams.

Thank you to my healthcare givers, politicians, bankers, lawyers, and insurance plans:

This is my thank you for all the times you seemingly betrayed me or failed me--

Because every time you let me down, you gave me the opportunity to turn back to myself, to my own knowingness within. 

Every time you fell off the pedestal I had placed you on, you reminded me to quit giving my sovereignty away to anyone or anything outside of me. 

In doing so, you helped me to look to me and trust in me, first and foremost. And that, my loves, is the grandest and greatest gift of all!