Roundtable Discussions: Practicing Your Own Self-Sovereignty and Embodied Mastery

"Why are you alive? 

Do you know why, or are you letting others decide for you?"

Lee Harris asked this very provocative question in his recent November, 2022, Energy Update. 

It got me feeling into why I am here and staying, and what is it that I'm wanting to experience in this last lifetime? These are the memories and impressions that have been flowing through my awareness ever since I asked myself what I'm still here for:

My favorite childhood memories are of my family and friends and passers-through sitting around our kitchen table telling stories of their experiences, and there would be so much laughter that I hated having to go to bed, for fear of missing out on something fun.

Then in the early 1990s, when I dived into the conspiracy realms that caused me to read the Christian Bible in search of a spiritual life vest, I would return to my hometown and its local restaurant to sit in a booth with my brothers and sister, my mom and dad, and friends; and we started talking about what I now see were spiritual realizations, near-death experiences, and self-sovereignty ideas, and what those looked like in our individual lives. We discussed books and reading material that definitely wasn't mainstream. I loved those moments! That restaurant is now closed and, along with my parents, one of my dear biological brothers has passed, as have many of the friends with whom I visited there. I was one of the younger ones.

That era morphed into the start of the Millenium, where I discovered channeled entities like the ascended masters: Tobias, Adamus Saint-Germain and Kuthumi Lal Singh. These channeled beings resonated the most harmoniously with me because they all had been in the human form when they had their realizations of who they really were. They had first-hand experience of what I was going through, and I have always loved hearing their personal stories.

I'm done playing the role of Student

I was an A-student in most of my schooling, but I probably wouldn't be so much so these days. I hit burn-out in college while trying to continue learning what others considered facts, so I never earned a degree. I hit a roadblock where regurgitating something a teacher lectured on in front of a classroom got really old and stale and suffocating. The memorization and organizational abilities I once exhibited--qualities that instructors appreciated--suddenly flew out the window. None of what I studied anymore mattered enough to me to even attempt to retain it. I couldn't envision, much less feel, myself in any of the careers I attempted to make myself fit into--a landscape designer, an elementary teacher, a massage therapist.

With that said, while I eagerly participated in, and financially supported, the shouds of the Crimson Circle and resonated so deeply with the ideas and tools they shared to help make life a bit easier to take, I found myself still feeling a bit on the outside looking in. I found they were challenging my sense of self-sovereignty and embodied mastery, not so much in the shouds, but when I would occasionally sign up for one of their workshops or classes. 

The first SES, or sexual energy school workshop offered by Tobias through the Crimson Circle required attendees to submit an application for it, and they wanted "professionals" in that first workshop in order to lend it more credence to the outer world. By no means was I a formally educated expert, but I did have my own profound realizations surrounding the sexual energy virus prior to finding the Crimson Circle. I chose to not even bother applying. Maybe I would have gotten accepted, maybe not. I still haven't done that class, and because of that I can't get into their other deeper workshops.

Someone telling me, "'You're wrong and that's no way to be," rankles the hell out of me.

Then, in the intros to all of the CC classes I did subscribe to, it was firmly stated that this DVD I paid for could not be passed along to others--that it was "Just Wrong" to share it with anyone other than myself. Now that most of the classes are streamed from the Cloud, it's not even an issue--I watch it and forget it's even on my computer--but I've never purchased another type of CD or DVD and felt I couldn't give it to someone else when I was done with it. To me, it was like passing along a book that I enjoyed so much I wanted to share the experience of it with another.

It was the basic idea that I was being told what was the wrong way to be--that's what stuck in my craw. It's too similar to a parent tape reeling around in my head, my dad saying, "Pen, that's selfish--that's no way to be." 

Tobias literally stated, "You've never done anything wrong, ever." And yet....

I'm done waiting for others

When we were encouraged to give ourselves the Master diploma, some Shaumbra took their sweet time in procrastinating over it. I grabbed it and set off, but others didn't, and so much of the shoud's focus became on getting those others to claim their own mastery. I was embracing my mastery but it felt like I was still being treated as a student. Beings I still wanted the comfort of feeling like I wasn't alone, I continued to participate and be a part of their Angel program until it just no longer seemed a good fit for me either. 

I took a break from the Crimson Circle for a few years. In the meantime, their focus seemed to change, too. They were gearing up to making themselves more accessible and appealing and entertaining to the newbies. I have recently begun participating and paying for the monthly Shouds again, and I am enjoying the material and finding it insightful and helpful with the changing timescape that embodied mastery brings....and....I'm also realizing I'm still feeling like a bit of an outsider.

In summation, my beloved Crimson Circle family is turning out to be yet another stepping stone for me, though a very beloved one....They are on a mission which I feel myself once again veering off away from. They still are contributing hugely to ascended consciousness and living a life of embodied mastery--and I deeply admire and appreciate all they are doing...and....I seem to have put some issues between us that keeps me still feeling a bit separate, that I need to do this my way--and workshops and SES certifications and aspectology courses, or any of their other deeper workshops aren't meant for me to partake of.

I put Crimson Circle here to play out the role exactly the way I am experiencing them, though it's been a long and painfully difficult struggle within me to come to terms with not agreeing with someone I admire and appreciate and love so much. I know they agreed to do this for me so I'd quit trying to fit in, and instead find my own expression and bring forth my own creation....They haven't really betrayed me or let me down. By playing the part of failing me, they've helped me to open up and allow my own expression on the subject....so, thank you.... 

The Roundtable Discussions

I'm realizing with that "Why am I alive?" question that I have my own flavor of a contribution to make. It runs along similar lines in many ways....and....I have a different take on how to encourage self-sovereignty and embodied mastery: The Roundtable Discussions: Practicing Your Own Self-Sovereignty and Embodied Mastery. It's a safe and sacred place where we get to share and laugh with others about ourselves and all the wonders--and scrapes--life as a Divine Human has to offer.

I envision a small gathering of individuals interested in sharing their own stories of realization, and their practice of self-sovereignty and embodied mastery. Each person, without interruption, shares the story of an experience they had and the wisdom they personally gained from it. And with the technology we have, those discussions can be shared with a larger audience so humans can get exposed to, and accustomed to hearing the stories of how it looked and felt for others who've claimed their own mastery. So mastery is realized as being a natural and attainable state of being for every human.

The only prerequisites are that each person participating in the roundtable accepts total compassionate responsibility for their entire life, and that we honor one another's sovereignty. That means no victimhood whinings, no unsolicited advice, no "I'm going to heal you" agendas. No causes, no solicitations, no proselytizing, no processing tired old "Poor Me" or "But I'm Trying!" stories. You see, when you're the master you realize there is nothing to fix or heal. 

If anyone has any comments to make afterwards, it would be a recommended guideline that it be a realization that the shared story inspired within themselves. 

We are not a support group either, where the focus is on how misunderstood we are by the world at large.

I'm not interested in empty, boring quotes or what somebody else taught you

A few weeks ago I had a couple of young women ring my doorbell. There they stood, bible marked and ready for them to read their quote to me. I used to just let the Jehovah Witnesses and the young Mormon missionaries who disturbed me in my home say their little spiel and then we'd part ways as I pasted a tolerating grin on my face. This time I allowed myself to smile and tell them I wasn't interested. End of interaction.

But I've always had this accompanying thought that I never let myself say, "I'd rather hear your personal stories and the wisdom you gained from those experiences. This other stuff--basically regurgitation of someone else's words, ideas and perceptions of the world--B-O-R-I-N-G! I am interested in you, your life, and what you've discovered about yourself here."

I have no desire to teach or be somebody's guru that hands out a bunch of convoluted rules and rituals to practice. That crap never worked for me. I don't mentally visualize or meditate or pray. I'm very practical about conscious awareness--a spirit having a human vessel experience in order to know itself better--and I choose to live it out as my daily practice, using the tools I've found helpful along the way. 

So, why am I alive? One of the greatest contributions I have to offer by staying here is that I appreciate the gifts of being that I am, that we all are, always, in all our ways. I view life on this Earth from a very broad perspective....and I live that out, moment by moment....

Most of all, I feel it would be great fun for me to swap some stories over beverages and biscuits, and have some great, I-almost-peed-my-pants laughs....

Related Posts:

"Once upon a time I GAVE MYSELF this experience....": I'm Nobody's Victim

True Freedom: Can I Handle It?

The Savior, The Martyr, The Superhero: Are They Overrated?

The Savior 

Do I need, or even want to be saved? 

For me, the whole savior concept has felt a bit off. I never resonated with it even when I explored the Christian religion. I very much loved and appreciated Yeshua (Jesus). I soaked up his messages and his parables and anything I could find about his entire life story from his birth to his death. I perceived him as a beloved brother and friend, and I still do. I also recognized him as a standard of beingness possible for me. But he's not my master and he's not my mediator with my own divinity, my own soul, or my Eternal Source. I'm the only one who can fulfill that role for myself.

I've written previously about a Good Friday experience my husband and I had that completely put me off the whole savior thing. In a twisted way, they did me a service, but not the way they intended, I'm sure. The church we attended handed out nails to everyone, and we were told to hammer it into the cross at the altar in order to remind us what we did to Jesus and the sacrifice he made of himself in order to save us from our sorry-assed, sinning selves. Yeah, I'm still a bit perturbed at that one, and also laughing at myself now that I've had several years of distance from the whole ordeal.

The Martyr

Truly, do you want someone nailed to a cross and strung up there to die in such a ghastly way for you? Close your eyes and feel into the weight of carrying that around throughout your daily life....It's a riot, isn't it? It causes my shoulders to hunch, and at the same time shreds me up, and spits me out all over the place to be walked on by all manner of foot wear.

So many current Christian religions preach of Jesus being the one and only son of god, and people are quite defensive in that viewpoint, but when I read the Christian Bible, Jesus stated that there were those who would come after him who would do all the things he did and more. He also seemed to me to be showing anyone who'd listen that each person could have the same type of relationship with divinity as he did--that Heaven was right at hand for anyone open to it.

But people want the comfort of what they've lived out most of their lives. They are pretty much afraid of what they might do if they let themselves off that leash.

Sacrifice and martyrdom are highly valued ideals in this world. I even tried it out back in my conspiracy tangent days. I thought I could withstand going to prison if it meant saving my world and the children I so loved from power-loving humans who'd created corrupt systems of taxation, law, medicine, education, etc. in order to get control of the masses. 

I tried to change it from within the system by filing a sovereignty claim in the courthouse--but that only got me more power plays, more fighting, more harassment. It ended up being quite costly financially, with no resolution. 

And when I saw people I knew going to jail, it brought the hard truth home to me that it wasn't as romantic as I'd made it out to be in my head. That maybe I didn't want to rot away inside four walls for reasons most wouldn't understand--that the very people I was sacrificing myself for had no idea that's what I was doing. It was quite a humbling realization--I was still basically an unimportant nobody in the eyes of the rest of the world.

Ultimately, all that was gained was the compassionate wisdom I got from the experience, and the understanding that I couldn't change the world--that it would then in turn try to change me. I realized that all change had to start within me--me with myself. That I was never meant to change anyone else. All my answers were meant solely for me, and I was reminded of that by this little melody that began playing over and over within me as I walked on beyond my toe-dip into conspiracy days:

"The answers lie within you,

I found them here in me.

How much more must we endure before we're all free?"

The Superhero: A combination of the savior and the martyr.

My husband and I used to enjoy watching the comic superhero films like Spiderman, Ironman, Captain America, Thor, Wonder Woman, to name a few. They were entertaining for a time, but lately, we both find our interest in the whole superhero concept waning. The actors are great, but the story-lines are the same. The heroes all have a tragic and angsty past, as do those playing their nemesis and their love interests. 

It's just all the same formula, and, once again, I don't feel as though our planet or humanity needs saving by a masked superhuman or alien. At this point, I just can't seem to relate with the idea, much as I'm finding it more and more difficult to relate with individuals who choose to abuse and misuse drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. for escapism and recreation and self-flagellation. 

Nor can I relate to individuals who insist on playing out the martyred victim role in their relationships. I've been there, done that, and I've had my fill. I just don't want to dive into that old, now really boring stuff anymore.There is so much more, we are so much more....

Do humans need to appreciate and take more responsibility for loving and treating with respect the planet which supports us? Yes....and....once again, that's up to each human being to freely choose how their individual world reality manifests itself. I'm responsible for my own creation--no one else's.

I love this gem of a planet. I love the beauty of nature, the animal kingdom, the plants, the minerals, the waters, the mountains, plains, the skies! I love humans--some more than others, depending on their behavior here....and....even when I don't like them much at all due to the roles they are playing out here for me, I still realize that I wish no one any ill will....and....I really love that!

The master is of greater service than the servant....or the savior....

So, who is the master? I am! You are!

Becoming a master is actually quite simple and natural--everyone will experience it eventually. It's dependent upon the individual's preference for how long or short he or she chooses to make their own journey into the remembering realization of who they actually are. My realization just came to me naturally over the course of some very challenging experiences. And then I wholeheartedly embraced the fact that I created absolutely everything in my life--all of my experiences. That I am experiencing a world of my own making.

Nobody actually did anything to me that I didn't allow to happen in the first place. I put it all right here, right now, and no one but me can un-create it, or neutralize the energy of the manifestation back to zero point pure energy.

That understanding was my realization of true freedom--my saving grace, if you will....I didn't need a savior, a martyr or a superhero....

I'm excited about experiencing my daily manifestations now that I've realized who I am and what I'm capable of....I'm no longer stuck in a prison that was of my own making to begin with.

I Don't Take Sides: Here's Why....

 First of all, if it's in my life I alone put it there....

Nobody has done anything "to" me that I didn't allow to happen on some level. That is the most freeing realization for me. It shifts my perspective so drastically it's almost hard to explain. By making myself the creator of all my experiences it stops my whining and I'm instead asking myself why would I choose this experience and am I ready to be done with it?

I know from my own experiences that whatever kind of relationship I get depends on what I bring to the table. Period. I could change the face and sex and name of the person, but I'd still get the same type of relationship unless I started creating from a different perception and viewpoint.

The Woman Behind the Man

In the not-so-distant past, the old consciousness energy had women playing a more subservient role than men. Most of the men in my life were the providers, they were physically stronger, and they handled the major purchases and legal matters. My mom was a beautiful, strong and gentle and wise person who supported my dad in a manner few other women would have been capable of. She was like the best supporting actress to the star of the show. He got the validation while she did so much of the important work that went unnoticed. This is not a disappointment in either of my parents, who were lovely, amazing imperfect humans. This is just the status quo of the era in which I grew up.

I remember getting the valedictorian position the year I graduated from high school. It actually just pretty much fell in my lap. I wasn't competing for it. But I still never saw myself as equal in intelligence to the guys in my class. Actually, I rationalized to myself and others that I only got it because I didn't take some of the more difficult math courses. I wasn't trying to get a grand GPA. I just wasn't interested in taking more math courses.

I grew up in a family with six brothers (five older and one younger than me) and one sister five years older than me, so I was accustomed to the male viewpoints. I love men! My brothers were basically very good to me and I had great appreciation and respect for them, yet I was always aware of putting myself second to them in my sense of worthiness in being. Again, it was the consciousness of the times. 

No one actually told me women were second-rate. Most women I knew were taking care of the family and home. They were just beginning to go out more into the local job force as I was growing up, but the men were usually most often the main breadwinners in the relationships around me. Including my own later on.

Then I put an event in my life that torpedoed me even further into that sense of subordinate, Less-Worthinessville. I had my first boyfriend, my brother's best friend, die in a motorcycle accident. And I thought I was the one that caused it to happen. Yeah--on this more expansive level I can see where I did pick the story for my human part to experience, but I, the human, didn't actually have anything to do with causing the accident. 

I hit a void-like chasm where I didn't know how or even if I should go on with life, yet I kept waking up morning after morning after morning. I was basically just passing the time, hoping and praying some god out there would finally end it all and just take me while I was asleep.

In my book, fighting and conflict--having to be right--no longer were worth the cost...

I thought he'd been taken from me because I was angry with him for not going with me to a movie I'd wanted to see. Twisted, I know, but, you see I was seeing myself as this silly girl who was mad at a guy for choosing to do the honorable thing like help the family harvest the crop instead of doing something I actually wanted to do with him. Normally, it was my custom to just let him come up with things to do and I'd go along with it.

But that night, angry with my boyfriend, I went off with my cousin, had a drunk hit on me in a bar, and couldn't wait to get back home to him, only to discover my dad and mom and brother and sister waiting on the back steps to tell me the news that he'd been killed.

After that night I associated my being angry with him as being what caused me to lose him. I saw myself as having been a selfish little twit. But the funny thing is, a few decades later, I realized I'd actually offered him another path that night....one where he might still be here....

Fighting feels ridiculous to me when weighed next to other possibilites....

While I'm still uncomfortable feeling it, I've  realized that anger also has its place in my life. I got really passive there for awhile and I suppressed my truth and viewpoint. I muffled my voice in my own created world, the one where I should be the star of it, having been its source and center. I basically just existed in it--I was something of a walking corpse just ambling down a path I let others choose for me.

Thankfully, I've had a few loving souls play the bad guy for me. They got me so pissed off, I finally found myself blurting forth all manner of things--and it was pretty funny!

She said, "You don't know what it's like to be the victim of an abusive relationship." 

Nobody can know our pain, right? My pain is worse than you or anyone else can imagine. 

Competing for the "I Suffer the Most" award is an actual thing in human consciousness. I see it all the time, and it causes me to shake my head, yes-smirk a bit, and roll my eyes. I think, all that time and energy wasted on being miserable instead of CHOOSING to open oneself up to the possibility of something more.

I just think it would be more fun to step off that I'm Such a Sorry SOB train, but I observe people enjoying playing the role of being miserable. Nothing changes.

Once upon a time, while neither condemning nor condoning the ridiculous actions of the two individuals involved, I tried to communicate my love for, my unconditional acceptance of, all parties affected by the broken relationship--him, her, their children, me. Instead of being open to hearing my viewpoint, one of the star players was vehemently shaking her head at me, glaring at me, telling me that I should have heard the awful things he'd said about me. She was royally pissed at me for not taking her side. I couldn't possibly know what it was like being in their relationship....

Oh, Honey, yes, I do know what it's like to be the victim--and I put myself in that role WITH YOU!!!

....and, frankly, so did you in yours....and you are loving every minute of it because you are not open to even hearing me out, much less choosing to take responsibility for what you have going. You just want to play "Poor Pitiful Me." So have at it....I'm just done listening to that same old, same old Sad Sack story. I don't want to hear about his latest and greatest trangression...and....

I know I still love you and I always will, no matter what....

I didn't get the chance to say that before she slammed her car door on me and drove off in an offended huff. It would have been wasted breath and energy at the time or I would have had my say. I'm learning to honor whatever does or doesn't pop out of my mouth in the moment, and not look back with any doubt.

I didn't hear from this person for a long time afterwards, and I didn't miss that old icky relationship she and I had going either. It was rather manipulative, and once I realized what we were doing together, it was easy to say to myself, No more. 

However, I'm keeping myself open to something new and better for the two of us, and even if that doesn't happen, I still wish her the best....

and....I know we're both just acting and having a great time being a couple of drama queens....

One key comforting realization I've had about myself is the fact that I don't wish any ill will on anyone, no matter what may transpire between us. 

I've discovered I'm capable of telling someone to Shut the "eff" up if it's appropriate, and, to be fair, maybe even when it's not the best choice of potential comebacks. I have this imperfect (and proud of it) human thing going, after all.

However, I still wish us each and all a joyfully abundant life....I don't need us to be together if that doesn't work for us, yet I always have hope that we can both choose to have a more honest and authentic and open way of relating with each other. Yes, I realize I always have hope,,,,

Marriage is overrated....

I honestly would not get married again having realized what I know now. I would probably still choose to be with the person I'm currently married to, just without all the strings and conditions and expectations of one another that we had in the past. I don't need governments, lawyers, family members and religions to mediate how we relate with one another. I don't need a middle man. I just need to love--accept--myself unconditionally, and any other relationship after that is easy.

I don't want someone staying with me because of some vow we made. That feels like forced affection. I want someone to be with me who loves our time spent together, yet can be apart when we each need that time alone. I want someone who honors and respects themselves and myself in our relationship.

Our relationship is ultimately our responsibility--not the responsibility of any kids we might bring into it. I remember one of my college classmates, a divorcee, ranting on ad nauseum about her ex, and telling me how she talked about him and what a loser he was in front of their kids. I didn't say anything at the time--it was a long time ago--but even then I thought, Do you realize that you are attacking them when you are verbally attacking their father? Where's your common sense and sensitivity, oh high-and-mighty lady?

Human relationships should not be the business of any external entity like a government or lawyers who make a darn good living off divorces. 

And when I put an external authority figure in charge of my relationships (like a god other than that one within me) then it's too easy to push responsibility for myself  and my actions and reactions off on someone else. I don't have to forgive myself or anyone else if some god out there is doing it for me.

I don't need a marriage certificate or a ring to conduct myself in a manner that has integrity. I don't care to date or flirt with other people out of respect for myself and out of sensitivity to the person I'm with. If I should change my mind, my partner should be the first to know, and vice versa. 

If we're at war within our own heart and home, how can we expect our outer world to be at peace?

I learned long ago after diving into the old conspiracy tunnel that my world change starts right here at home within me and with the daily relationships I have closest to me. Protesting and standing on street corners, barking and thrashing at perceived enemies, and trying to convince uninterested passersby that I have all the answers for the world? A load of whoo-ey.

I'm not much for taking sides--it used to hurt too much. When my dad and his dad and siblings were at odds with him it tore me up. I loved them all, but it put me in a position of having to choose one over the other out of a misguided sense of loyalty. My dad was just as responsible for the crappy relationship that was being nurtured by the rest of them. He was the victim only because he made himself out to be that way. I can actually feel him cheering me on in admitting this....and he's smiling and laughing at himself , too....

And then there's the big war between Russia and the Ukraine

It feels so obsolete and barbaric to observe two or more countries destroying the landscapes and lives of their people....all for....what? The thing is, those engaging in the drama and trauma all must be enjoying themselves on some level or they'd be making other choices for their individual selves, and the war would just peter out.

I probably just offended someone. Just so we're clear here: If it's in my life--my world--I take responsibility for putting it here, and this war is currently happening in my world, though not in my country. We have other kinds of wars and battles going on here in the United States. 

Whatever the chaotic mess it manifests as--I put it all here. I am allowing it....and....I feel it's a temporary state of being that is helping me build a bridge out of the old and obsolete ways that no longer serve this more expansive awareness I have into something newer, freer, more reflective of who we all are. Every new perspective I have, every different choice I make, or maybe it's a choice I decide to stand firm in--it's all a stepping stone towards something more....

The way I see it, we're not just Little Humans trying to achieve perfection and who are at the mercy of some judgmental authority who's pretty inconsistent about the rules. I see us as spiritual awareness having the human being experience in order to better understand oneself.  And to discover how our own energies serve us--how I manifested the reality I'm perceiving in the moment at hand. And how can I apply this understanding to create something I really want?

The wars could end in the blink of an eye

I can imagine each person, no matter the age or status, suddenly deciding within themselves, No more. I'm done. And as one-by-one they turn away from playing the game, the whole battle falls apart because no one is feeding the fight anymore. Either that, or like a cancer--its own self-hatred, which is pretty much at the core of any power game illusion, just eats itself up and the entity that is war dies.

I've come to the realization that all humans, though it may be buried deep within them, couldn't commit the atrocities we do with ourselves and each other without knowing on some level that it's just a Let's Pretend act. If we actually believed an eternal horror or hell awaited us or that this one lifetime was all there was to us--we wouldn't be messing things up the way we do. On some level....we are all having fun playing the parts....

So I'm done taking myself so seriously....

When it's all said and done, ya just gotta laugh, don't ya?

I've been reading through all this, editing and asking myself what's your point, Pen?

I'm realizing how funny all of this has been. Every conflict I've been involved in--no matter how serious I felt at the time about whatever was going on--it's pretty hilarious when I view it from a bit of distance. Most of the time, I don't even remember what the original disagreement was about. There's a lot of He said/She saids--finger pointing at someone or something other than myself. How many times have I written in this blog about how that ol' finger always does a 180, and points right back at me, the originator of all I put myself through?

As I feel back into some of those moments, I remember now, more often than not, that I was like a film critic deciding how much I was buying into the scene we were all acting out. How believable were the actors and the situations?

Often it was just the hit of exhilaration from having a bit of drama in a rather stale day-to-day life. An "Ah! I actually am alive!" realization....and....Oh! What a fun story this will be to tell.........This will really make them laugh....

Swapping stories

At some point I see all of us who've realized who we truly are sitting around a huge table, telling stories about the predicaments we put ourselves through in the Grand Old Earth game--and having a rollicking great laugh at ourselves....

And there I am again, that little second-grader who vomited in the school cafeteria lunch line with the high schoolers I idolized so much looking on. I was so embarrassed, felt so stupid and mad at myself.

But after listening to my brothers tell their own stories of embarrassment and hearing them being able to laugh at themselves, I thought I had a recovery plan. I tried to be funny and entertain my family and my brothers' friends while eating dinner. I presented them with my new take on the story. 

I clutch my stomach and I groan, "Ugh! I think I'm going to throw up." And I look through my peripherals, ready to hear a roar of laughter from around the table, but the only reaction I get is from my dad, who's sitting next to me. He says in a low, shame-on-you tone, "Pen, we don't talk like that at the table." 

Lol! Sometimes the attempt to entertain others backfires....and that's funny, too....

The Revelations of Dreams: My Human Dance with My Divinity

The Song of Solomon

In the Old Testament of the Christian Bible is a story referred to as The Song of Solomon. The gist of the story is about a bridegroom searching throughout the lands for his one-and-only true love, the other half to make him whole, his beloved bride. In the end, he realizes she was with him the entire time--he'd just been looking in the wrong places--places outside of himself. His bride had been with him all along, through everything he'd experienced.

The core energy of many of my old recurring dreams was similar to King Solomon's experience: 

The Dance of the Asleep Human with Its Divinity....

I've written about some of my most puzzling recurring dreams in previous posts. One that often left me feeling so alone upon waking up in the mornings was where I was waiting for this man that I so loved to notice me and want to be with me. 

Sometimes the guy was my first boyfriend who initially appeared angry with me because I had moved on and married someone else after he died instead of waiting for him. Of course, I realized even at the time of the dream that he was coming in that way because I was the one having trouble allowing myself to move forward into living a full and happy life without him. 

In other dreams, it was a different guy who seemed to initially act like he was attracted to me, yet he never noticed me after that first startling connection. I was always on the outside looking in, longing to be seen....

Later, the dreams changed. my old boyfriend kissed me and told me he was proud of me--I had realized some profound life-changing things in my actual life that had set me free of that old survivor's guilt. 

Then the other guy came in bearing gifts and wanting to spend time with me, but I put off allowing myself to receive his gifts and his presence because I was distracted by taking care of other people and their issues--by thinking I had to take responsibility for other's creations.

This morning I finally made the profound connection that these dreams were also making me aware of my own experience similar to that of King Solomon. Sometimes I was seeing through the eyes and feelings of the bride in my dreams--my own Divine Self, and sometimes I was the groom--my Human Self. 

Me as My Humanity in my dreams--

I was never good enough:

I'd had some tough human experiences where I felt betrayed by "god," which was basically my own Divinity, and so I got angry and turned my back on god. I twirled my Divine dance partner out and away to the far side of the ballroom floor. I ignored her, and went about doing my own thing.

Then more difficult things happened where it seemed beyond my human abilities to deal with, so I began my search for god, but it was a god I perceived as being disappointed in me. I'd go to use the bathroom facilities--needing them in the most urgent manner, but I'd have an audience and the toilets would be overflowing with sewage, unusable. I would be a mess--soiled and embarrassed. Showers didn't work either. It was all so revolting and repulsive. I could never get cleaned up. 

In my dreams I found myself actually swimming in disgusting human waste. I wasn't feeling worthy enough for some god-out-there's attention. My own awareness was so densely polluted with the garbage of other's ideas about who, what and how I was that my Divine Self had a tough time staying as close within me as it really wanted to be. She could only handle short amounts of time. 

To the human facet, "god" felt so elusive and slippery. What worked to make that connection one time didn't seem as effective the next. Basically my belief of being a worthless sinner got in the way of my connecting properly with my own soul or my Divine facet. Plus, that whole idea of Jesus sacrificing himself in order to wash me clean just didn't make sense to me--I didn't want someone dying in order to save me. That just felt icky and loaded with conditions and more limitations.

It helped to replace the idea of being a "sinner" with simply being an "imperfect human" whose limitations were actually gifts to its soul, not something to atone for. We were never meant to be perfect here. That understanding has set me free in a huge way and has made me more open to a more realistic relationship with my own divinity.

Mass consciousness and mental processing are extremely prominent features here in the Earth reality, and they get in the way of our more spiritual or pure conscious awareness of oneself.

Mass consciousness is all the suggestions accepted by the majority of people as the truth about the way life is, who and what you are, and how you go about it. 

It is a dense mine field to navigate. It's a cesspool of polluted consciousness--it's loaded with aspects created by humans who have an extremely limited concept of who and how they are in this world. So no wonder my dreams were so disgusting....

Me as My Divinity in my dreams:

In the meantime, my Divine self (the feminine half) ached with such longing to be noticed by my human self (the masculine half), and to be included in his daily life. I'd try to find just the right clothing to fit in, but somehow it would disappear from my drawers or my suitcases. My favorite comfortable, elegant clothing that made me stand out, yet feel a part of things, just vanished. 

My human's perception of himself as being unworthy was blocking me out. I couldn't ask him to invite me in or force my presence on him--I had to wait for my human self to be ready and ask for me to come in of his own free will. I had to honor his free choice. He had to surrender to simply being imperfect--to allow himself to be without any judgment about it. Only then could I--my divinity--show him what a gift he was being for me by playing the imperfect part....all for me....

The Darkness is Your Divinity

We've been taught to fear the darkness--that which lies both within us and outside us. It's the source of evil, "they" say. Humans by their very nature are sinners, we've been taught.

Even as a child, I had a great respect and fear for what was waiting for me out there in the dark, especially when it was my turn to head out into the dark of night to close the door on the chicken coop in order to keep out nighttime predators. However, those earthly entities weren't the ones I was afraid of--I was more afraid of the ethereal things that I could sense were there but couldn't see. I made sure my trusty dogs were with me on the mad dash there and back, and when I'd get back to the house I'd take a few deep breaths to compose myself, and then walk inside to my family and act all nonchalant about it all.

And when my parents were away, out dancing for the night, I'd avoid looking out the windows--actually not even taking a glimpse in their general direction--for fear of what might be looking in at me. I pretty much felt watched all the time--sometimes it felt good, sometimes it felt sinister. 

One of the first few channels that I read from ascended master, Tobias, of the Crimson Circle, stated that our darkness was our divinity. And that our divinity was connected with our compassionate feminine part that was hidden away within us, but now coming forth at this epic time of raised consciousness on the planet. 

Both Tobias and Adamus Saint-Germain have stated that our darkness wasn't something to fight, like our stories passed down through the ages have told of the grand battle between the light and the dark, where only evil came from the dark. 

Actually evil comes from creative humans who are scared and vulnerable-feeling. Who don't know they are the creators of their own realities so they are trying to get control of their external world by desperate means. Pretty much like a blind person backed into a corner, flailing and striking out at anything it perceives as a danger to his existence. That has a tendency to cause one to fight dirty. All honor and scruples fly out the door.

Instead, our darkness simply contained potentials that we couldn't see yet. It's pretty much the same story as Solomon's. It's hidden away within, and our five human senses couldn't perceive within too well, especially while being distracted with an outer world. "Invisible realm" would probably be a good replacement for the word, "darkness" and take away the common misperception that dark equals all bad.

In short, our human awareness was too limited to be able to clearly and constantly perceive our own divinity within and around oneself....until now....

The Christian fish symbol

In my dream, I watched as he rode away from me on his horse, and, though I knew he had a noble purpose in leaving, I grieved the loss of him in my life as he gradually faded into the mists....

The Christian fish symbol depicts the dance of the Divine and the Human facets. The mouth shows that both the Divine and the Human parts come from the same Eternal One or Source. The body depicts their movements away from the other, and then their paths finally move closer together and finally intersect and integrate together at the tail. It's open-ended from there....

It's a new kind of dance with the two in full awareness of, and companionship with the other....

What is Mastery?

Claiming my own mastery, giving myself that diploma of Embodied Ascended Master was perhaps one of the greatest gifts I could have given myself in this experience. It changed my entire demeanor--how I saw myself, how I presented myself, how I perceived my experiences and myself in them. I gave myself all my experiences--no one else did it to me.

Mastery isn't this thing you have to have an X-amount of schooling in in order to master a subject and earn a degree in, or in this case, a title. There is no set program or a sequential to-do list. Nobody else decides if or when you graduate into mastery--it's all up to you. 

When I embraced my own mastery, I changed, and my world began to follow suit. My old energies began to neutralize and rearrange themselves to match my new consciousness radiation. Please note--it's been a gradual change, often felt and experienced within myself in a subtle way before being manifest in my outer world. Sometimes it feels agonizingly slow-going, but it's happening, nonetheless. I especially realize it when looking back to how and where I was a month, a year, or a decade or more ago.

And there is nothing woo-woo about being a master. It's simply you looking around and within and realizing, "I created this....Yes, I created that....and that....and that, too...all of it...."

The human delights, "What an experience, this being in a human form has been and is and can be now that I KNOW I am so much more than the Little Human just trying to survive! I am not alone. I never have been alone. Thank you, my Beloved Divinity for waiting for me, for being with me even when I didn't realize it, and for coming in to dance with me when I opened myself up to the possibility of you and invited you to join me...."

And your divinity and soul celebrates as the master gifts its grains of newfound wisdom. The master takes all its human stories, perceptions and experiences and burns away the details (pain, suffering, and misery), leaving only polished gems of wisdom. The polished part is that it is a compassionate wisdom--one that only experience as a human being can hone and buff to a loving shine.

Your soul, your I am! self breathes with joy, "Thank you, my Beloved Human, always for being in all your ways....and now that you remember I am here with you, we can really dance...."

And so I dance....

I used to be so worried about how I looked dancing and what others thought of me. I was all stiff and restricted in my movements. I held myself in. And that's exactly the way my life played out.

This dance with my divinity hasn't made me any holier or more saintly-acting, not really. I'm just flowing through my life more freely, more wholly Me....

and I'm perfectly imperfect, and proud of it....

The Dance

By Penny Lewton Binek

Passion and his beloved Compassion

glide a path together--

sometimes breaking apart,

sometimes framing the other, heart-to-heart--

waxing and waning

'round the floor of the Flagstone Terrace.

They dance through the annals of the ages,

the picture book that is my mind,

to the wildly whirling-twirling,

strangely-peaceful dervish

that is my heart,

in rhythm to the song

that is my soul....

Seeds of Fear: What Kind of Harvest Do I Want to Reap?

This is a wild and crazy ride at this stage of the game in our world. Everything is changing, and it's changing quantumly--coming from all different directions, within and without. We're used to a linear world where you have a cause and its effect, and it happens in a sequential order. 

But that's old-school, and nothing works that way anymore. This is more about what consciousness I'm radiating out that my own field of potential energies then takes form to match. My old world is literally coming apart at the seams. It's exciting, frightening, frustrating, and surprising at times. It's both boring and dramatic, and it's sometimes traumatic for us because so many humans are crossing over to the other side of the Veil/River instead of staying here with us. 

Many are finding it too difficult and challenging--this shift from all we've ever known into something we have never experienced before. A world so brand new in concept that we can't even really anticipate what it will be like.

Yeah--change and the unknown potentials it holds can be scary and daunting.

So, I have to ask the question: 

Why would anyone want to scare the bejesus out of everyone when we're already walking on pins and needles? What's the reward in this?

There are so many conspiracy theories flying around and they are being promoted and perpetuated pretty much by egos wanting to be in the know or feel like they're smarter than someone else, and by those who feed off the energies of drama and trauma. And pretty much I can feel it being done out of sheer boredom with one's life in general. 

I hear all kinds of people wanting the old systems to collapse. I watch eyes gleam with the idea of doom and gloom, but while they get stoked about world calamity, I'm hearing few of them converse about possible resolutions and solutions to the perceived problems that might make the transition easier and more graceful without fewer people or our planet and it's myriad of lifeforms getting harmed in the process.

I've played in the conspiracy game--and it's a dark hole that just sucks you in and keeps you in terror and depression. At least, that's what it did to me. Why be here if we believe we're all destined for hell in a handbasket anyway?

Back in my old fight the conspirators days, I watched terrified people become as scary as those they felt threatened by--myself included.

All this talk of evil and Satan and the Devil being loose in the world? If I wanted to unleash evil into the world all I'd have to do is scare the crap out of some human who doesn't know who they really are (the creator and perceiver of their own realities). Tell them they are unworthy sinners. Get them feeling backed into a corner with no hope of a way out except by resisting and fighting--and, Wha-la!--I've got evil like you wouldn't believe.

Do I want to be a part of the solution, or do I want to expand the problem? How much drama and trauma do I want? How bored am I?

It's not an entity named Satan nor are there Devil-possessed people out there committing those inhumane, atrociously horrific acts. Unconscious, unaware, unawakened humans are the ones who commit the evil atrocities...and...they are the ones who spread the seeds of fear through conspiracy theories because--wait for it--they are scared shitless themselves! And probably bored, too.

Yes, the old systems of this world are obsolete, imbalanced and don't serve our planet or humanity in its expanded consciousness. And....yes, I put them in place and participated in them in the past....and I choose to allow them to be released from manifestation, their energies neutralized so they can gracefully shift into a new form that better serves me and my ascended world.

I choose to plant the seeds of freedom and self-sovereignty for all....

I choose to dwell in hope and graceful resolution....

I choose to be open to and cultivate win-win solutions.... 

I choose to dwell in anticipation of a new world expression in which I can joyfully participate....

So....what do you choose, my fellow sovereign creators?

P.S. "Remember, Pen, there is no 'they'--these are All Aspects of my own soul coming in for integration. These are all my creations--don't muck about with them if you truly desire to go beyond all the old stuff...."

It always helps anchor these things more firmly in my reality by writing them all out here as if I'm talking it out with someone other than myself. By doing this I can more clearly view the thoughts and feelings and concepts looping through my mind--actually through my entire body of consciousness. Otherwise, I'm constantly wrangling with these things within myself and it perpetuates a feeling of being stuck.

I'm reminded once again to just take a few good deep breaths and to drop any armor or any idea that I need to convince anyone else of anything. To just take a breath and open up....

True Freedom: Can I Handle It?

 Do I want the responsibility of truly being free?

A late friend of my dad's was a guest of one of the princes of Saudi Arabia back in the mid-to-late-seventies. At that time my parents considered moving us there while my dad helped the Saudis establish their own farms using irrigation systems, but after researching the idea my dad and his partner discovered that financially it was too costly--that they could import less expensively than produce their own. Farming is very dependent upon the weather--my family watched many a glorious crop disappear in the blink of an eye, whether it was hail or grasshoppers, or army worms, rust or some other disease or weed; or no crop at all due to drought. 

Anyway, I remember this friend of dad's telling me that the prince had offered his people the chance of freedom beyond the class system that was traditionally in place....and they didn't want it....

In 2004 I discovered a group called Crimson Circle. I didn't tell a lot of my friends about it because it was channeling, and frankly, most people weren't open to that, especially at that time. Geoffrey Hoppe and his wife, Linda Benyo, first channeled Tobias--an ascended master from long before the times of Yeshua (Jesus). I discovered some things about myself when my dad died back in 2003, and these channels resonated with that experience and those realizations. 

No religious organizations or academic institutions were addressing these types of things or the profound questions I had. But these people constantly reiterated to me to go within to discover my true self. To trust myself to have all my answers, and take up my mantle of self-sovereignty and freedom. To take full responsibility for the creatorship of my own realities and how I perceived them--instead of playing at being the victim of a harsh and cruel world at the mercy of someone or something other than me. To realize that the experiences I attracted to myself depended on the consciousness I radiated out to the field of energies that served only me.

Adamus is the current ascended master being channeled by Geoff. He's a facet of the soul of Saint-Germain, who was an embodied master in the 18th century. In that lifetime, he worked with many heads of state in Europe, trying to introduce to the people the idea of freedom and personal sovereignty. Of course, the ruling royal families of the time didn't want to give up the power and control, but astonishingly, the serfs and peasants didn't want the responsibility of their own freedom either.... 

That's why the whole freedom experiment was brought to America. There was no class system here yet. But even we Americans don't have a clue about what it means to be truly free....

The Basic Tenet of Power: In order for me to win, someone else must lose.

There is only room for one on the pyramid peak of power--everyone else has to be dropped down a few notches.

Friendly competition is one thing, but when it becomes a monopoly where everyone else is wiped out, that's power and control at its zenith....and....eventually every giant gets knocked down and replaced by someone newer, stronger, more famous, more beautiful, richer....and that cycles on and on and on....

Freedom and Power cannot co-exist.

I am the only true representative of my sovereignty--this, my domain. All other government officials or any individuals who would try to dictate the actions of others--they are playing the Power Game, and are not recognized by me as being of any significance in my world. 

Freedom doesn't mean I run roughshod over anyone else either. The power game illusion works both ways. Freedom means honoring the sovereignty of others, as well as my own.

It takes two to tango or tangle....to have a relationship

A bully is obsolete when he or she doesn't have anyone to victimize. Assume your sovereignty, live it out every moment--No one tells me how to be!.... Give up the pretense of being the victim, and the bully has nothing to sustain itself--no one is feeding it so it will go out of existence. It's all illusion--that whole power story. Death is not real. No one can actually shove you out of existence or take any of the energies from your own personal field of energy. Take a few deep-down into you breaths, feel into your true inherent freedom, into your true self that is so much more than a little human just trying to survive in the story of a cruel survival-of-the-fittest world.

Asleep humans don't know what to do with someone who shines their light--who has a clarity and awareness about who we each and all truly are beyond the old stories of this world.

I've finally personally realized that throughout my entire life I've had a very different awareness of this world compared to most of those around me. I didn't know it. I just thought it was common sense on my part and that most people would naturally see it the way I did. Some were drawn to me because they felt safe. Some liked to feed off my energies by literally dumping their frustrations in my lap. Some actually emotionally and verbally attacked me. Others tried to handle their own sense of unworthiness when around me by trying to make me feel unworthy. Some sought to look me in the eye, others avoided eye contact at all costs.

This realization at this depth has only hit me in the last month or so. It's liberating me from a prison I had myself in that I wasn't even aware was still here. My beloved human brothers and sisters--this stuff goes deep and there are many layers. We all have these experiences of our own personal creation--and I will acknowledge that there are some manifestations that happened even in my adulthood that I didn't know how to cope with--shame and guilt was still felt by me. When the worst of these things happened, I remember going into a trance-like state where I became more the observer than the participant.

I see now that I had so much conflict happening within me--a very empathetic, sensitive person--that it caused me to freeze, to allow things that I wouldn't have normally. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings because they were already desperate and on the edge, yet what I allowed them to do--to harm me--truly wasn't helping them either. But at the time, I coped the best way I knew how to--I left my body.

The only way I've managed to open the door on this one is to remember that all these human experiences are "Let's Pretend" acts from which all the details are separated away like chaff from the kernels of grain. Yep--I'm still imperfect--go figure! Ha! Ha!

Those acts are being done and allowed by scared, vulnerable-feeling humans who have no real idea of who we truly all are. After the experiences, on the other side of the Veil/River, the details are burned away--the energies transmuted and neutralized--while the germ of wisdom gained from the experience is retained and gifted to the soul.

In short, there are awful memories that truly can be forgiven, and then forever forgotten--but first you have to allow yourself to look at them with compassion and all-accepting love for you, the courageous human experiencer, who has been through all of it--the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful--out of love for All That Is, out of love for our own souls.

Self-sovereignty and Mastery 

You don't have to retain the memory because once you've garnered the wisdom, there is no need for re-enactment. You don't need to worry about holding onto the memory so it doesn't happen again. It's all done--once you've allowed your human self on this side of the Veil/River to recognize the wisdom gained. This, my beloveds, is mastery--everything is realized while still in human form on this side of the River Jordan, instead of after what humans think of as death.

Because I've looked at it all with this clarity and compassionate love for myself, I know it won't happen ever again. I'm too clear about things now, and that lets me relax and breathe easier.

A "Bring that which is hidden into the Light" moment:

When I began writing out this particular post a few days ago, I had no idea or plans to out my little secret up there. But in allowing myself to channel my true self, I see now that this post could not be written without it because I've gotten to the true core of the matter of power and the sexual energy virus--for me....

You see, I now fully recognize that my outer world reality is merely a reflection of what is going on within me. It's a mirror image of the relationship I have with myself and all the aspects I've ever created. The outer world that I perceive is actually ALL MY OWN FIELD OF ENERGIES SERVING ME!

I am my Bully....and....I am its Victim.

Only I can set myself free....and Only I can practice my freedom....

and choose to Do No Harm, nor Allow Harm to Myself....

Being free means I take full responsibility for myself--every single moment. It doesn't mean I get to demand from the outer world something I'm unwilling to do for myself. I, alone, am responsible for allowing my energies to manifest food and shelter and love and enjoyment of life for me. Dying soldiers and civilians do not set me free or ensure my liberty or my being fed and clothed. Blaming any others outside of me for my situation is a fruitless waste of my energy. If I'm in a situation, I put myself there, and I'm the only one who can take myself out of it.

I alone am the Source and Center of any reality I create. I  alone am the Sovereign of my domains/creations.

When I'm good within, about and with, myself--my outer world should reflect that.

There is no "they"....it's all me....

There is no one outside of myself that I need to free myself from--"they" are all my own energies in service to me. It's just a matter of letting go of old ideas about who and what I am and how my world works.

Oppressive governments, dictatorships, corrupt individuals or corporations, religious or educational institutions who want power and control over the masses--anyone who would tell me how to be--basically they are all aspects that I created. Just as those like Adamus Saint-Germain, Tobias, Kuthumi, Kryon, The Group from Espavo--anyone who inspires and encourages my embracing of my inherent freedom, self-sovereignty and creatorship--they are all aspects of me also.

All these aspects created from this lifetime and all other life expressions of my soul are coming in to integrate back into this current ascended body of consciousness. They are neutralizing (returning to zero point) so that they are available to serve me in a brand new way that is more fitting to who I realize I am now.

So it's about letting go of fighting and tangling with those outer manifestations and focusing on relaxing and allowing my energies to go through their shift and change in order to accommodate my more open, less-limited conscious awareness of myself. Yes, it looks and feels very chaotic because this is a quantum change, not linear. It's just a matter of maintaining this outlook through all of  the releasing, rearrangement, and rejuvenating of all my energies in my own personal field.

In short, I'm okay....and yes, I am ready for my true freedom and sovereignty....

I don't have to fix anyone or anything, or prepare for the worst....I am safe....and so is my own particular manifestation of the world....

So....we shall see....

Got Chops? Speaking Up for Myself: It's Both Uncomfortable and Liberating

Pretty much most of my life I've identified with being a practical, common sense-using, responsible, considerate person. I don't like confrontation and fighting, nor do I like to get angry. A common occurrence for me has been that someone flakes out on some sort of project, then I step in and just get it done or smooth things over, just because it's often less fuss and nonsense. It's less time-consuming than whining about the situation. 

Expecting perfection from everyone feels like a waste of my attention and energies. I often allow other humans their foibles because I know mistakes happen to all of us. One moment I'm present and aware. and the next I'm dreaming and off in another dimension, running a red light....and feeling so stupid and chagrinned afterward. 

And....I've finally learned to not beat myself up and hang onto that stuff. I'm doing my best. We're all doing our best, retarded as it may appear at times....

These last few months I've found myself in the darnedest situations. It seems I'm practicing the whole "stating my truth" (regardless of what someone else might think of me) and "standing up for myself" over and over again, in all different kinds of circumstances. And guess what? My initial reaction to many of these events is anger. Yep, blood-pumping, seeing red, How dare you mess with me! anger. I really don't like feeling that particular emotion....and....at the same time, it gets my juices flowing, so much so, that ultimately, I liberate myself from stupid old obsolete ways of being that really no longer serve me.

No more playing the role of Miss Dependable Doormat

Especially this past year, I've found myself letting go of causes. Being a part of any group seems to wane with time for me. I just end up going back to doing life my own way and letting go of feeling like I have to be responsible for other people and their chosen reality creations. Looking back, I can see where it was more of a way to connect and socialize with people than it was about the cause or idea.

I love people and interacting with them can often be fun....and....sometimes humans have a way of creating the same old story over and over, never making a choice to do anything differently even after being miserable in what they have going. Some people just love to fight with self-righteous abandon. All of that gets old very quickly. I've done enough of that on my own to where I'm letting go of my past and making different choices--at least attempting to see if I can get something new, something more enjoyable than what I had going before....all without trying to convince or change anyone else.

Alas, there are a lot of people steadfastly hanging onto their old perspectives and perceptions no matter what the cost, no matter that they aren't considering another's freedom to just be. Normally I choose to just distance myself from those people, and if they want my assistance, it's up to them to come to me and ask. But it gets stickier and harder when you live with them. Getting a bit of distance from those closest to you truly helps with the clarity, but sometimes even that feels tricky.

Which role do I play this time: Responsible Slack Picker-Upper or the Silly Flake?

This time I allowed myself to play both parts, and the Flake was especially liberating....

Despite adamantly stating last fall that I was not bringing someone into my home and playing the role of nursemaid and caregiver for them, this spring, I found myself doing that very thing. Another person who had told my husband to go ahead and make arrangements to move this 90-year-old woman out of assisted living in a city on the other side of the state and into her own small-town home flaked out the day before, said she couldn't do it.

So, there we were. I couldn't leave my husband unsupported, so we packed her up and moved her in with us for an indeterminate length of time. As her chosen power of attorney, he had to make arrangements to clean out and sell her old townhome, get her finances in order, and a new home found. I checked in with myself to see if I felt truly okay with allowing it, and it seemed like the best path in the moment. I figured my soul must have had a purpose for me in this.

She's a lovely lady, someone I admired and loved and appreciated, though she wasn't my relative. The clincher here is that she hasn't been staying embodied. Her short-term memory isn't there unless something happens that strikes her emotionally--usually in a negative way--and then it's as though it's forever stamped on her brain, and to be brought up with great clarity when she's feeling a bit on the naughty side.

She didn't want to be an imposition, but she really didn't make any effort to be helpful. Understandably so, it just didn't matter to her anymore. She'd have moments of clarity and realizing she needed to get her ducks in a row, but that's as far as any of it went. 

Sometimes when she'd come to after having been out in other dimensions, she'd think she was still in her old home, she'd have a scowl on her face and be a bit bossy and mean. Mostly, she just laid around, snacking all day long, telling me how kind I was to her. 

The worst part was I discovered I couldn't leave her alone, not even to go for a walk on my own. She'd slip out of her body and wouldn't remember me telling her where I planned to be, and then return and find herself afraid and disoriented. Plus, I didn't want to leave my cats alone with her. She wasn't a pet lover and was too unaware to make sure they didn't slip outside on her. My girls were amazing with her, however, and managed to keep her entertained even though she didn't want them touching her.

From the start, I told her that I was tickled to have the time with her, and that I was going to make the most of it. She wasn't the easiest person to cope with at first, but I allowed it because she was experiencing a huge change at a speed she hadn't known in the last two years of a pandemic shutdown. 

Not my circus, not my monkey, dammit!

After rearranging my life around her for seven weeks, and even finding myself clipping thickened claw-like smelly toenails (shudder), I realized I'd had my fill of the whole story. I consciously let myself immerse in the role of Silly Flake and she got me out of the zoo. This once tidy, mature woman who would have been repulsed with the idea, wasn't bathing properly either, and I was beginning to smell that on my furniture and in my own home, which is my safe and sacred space. 

She kept repeating, "You work so hard and I'm so lazy. You're so kind." It began to grate on my nerves because she absolutely made no effort to change anything about her circumstances. Being told I was being so kind was the same as being told I was so nice--it's a line energy suckers use--and this boob was effing done! 

Yep, I got angry. I didn't express it with her, but I let my husband know in no uncertain terms that I needed a break. Living to a ripe old age of 90 doesn't mean you get to have me wait on you, hand and foot, or boss me around. I wouldn't do that to another person. The only ones I let boss me around are my cats....

I found myself thankful that my parents died when they did. My mom was actually afraid of getting Alzheimer's or dementia, and being a burden to her loved ones. It felt way too soon to lose them, yet, they both crossed over with dignity and with their faculties and awareness intact.

Our guest really didn't want to be alive here anymore. Like Adamus Saint-Germain has said, the die/kill switch had been activated but the body and mind were still running through their established patterns. Her consciousness wasn't present in her body most of the time. She was off exploring other created dimensions. She didn't know she could just walk out of her body, stay out, and be done. And it didn't seem like I was supposed to say anything in that regard. It felt like I was dreamwalking her (helping her through a major transition not necessarily ending in death), allowing her her own chosen experience, and making sure she had a dignified exit instead of her dying alone in her home, only to be discovered maybe days later.

It all worked out. We got her affairs in order and her house sold--something that honestly would have been more complex and drawn out if we were having to work with her from a distance....and....I really didn't mind her company up until the point where suddenly I had enough of that experience and was done playing the role I had going.

We took her to stay with the person who originally planned to have her stay with her until a possible opening in an assisted living facility in town came about, though I don't think she could handle even that anymore--she needed closer supervision. After two weeks away, with me coming to the decision that my part was absolutely done, and her sister discovering that she liked having her with her, we left her there. 

There have been a few other events where I observed I was standing up for myself, sometimes a bit more vocally passionate than others. I used some "colorful" language that seemed appropriate for what was going on, and on those particular occasions it actually worked for me, though it felt as though I was stooping to the other person's limited level. But it seemed the only way to get the other person to hear me out rather than trying to mollify, placate, or talk down to me.

Other times, it was a system that failed because we are imperfect humans, after all, and humans unintentionally "make mistakes"--all of us. I get no enjoyment out of putting someone who's trying to help me on the spot--trying to serve the public is often the hardest job one can do. Yet, sometimes things fall through the cracks, and I found out I needed to speak up (this time I didn't need the colorful words) and give my version of the story so I wouldn't be unjustly held responsible for something I had nothing to do with--the loss of an item I had borrowed and had made certain I returned promptly. For me, it was a matter of honor. I would gladly pay to replace anything I borrowed and lost--if I was the one who lost it. 

After two weeks of fretting and then finally going in and stating my piece, two days later I received a phone call telling me they had found the items. I had put the whole situation in play in order to get myself practicing the art of simply standing up for myself....

I have hope....

So, my friends, that's my latest musings in this crazy, chaotic, anger-fueled, wobbly world. Yes, I know it's a roller-coaster ride of mountain tops and deep ocean floors. I find I'm checking in with myself in my lower moments to see if I really want to be here yet....and....frustrating and heart-breaking as it can be at times, there's this something inside me--some diamond-hard foundational rock--that reminds me, without doubt, that this is what I came to be here for in the first place (pull up your big girl panties, Pen!), and I'd be so disappointed if I didn't see it all the way through.

I'm here to stay for quite a bit longer....I've got stuff to do and experience in a brand new way....