Wake Up, Villain! Part 3: Let's Build Bridges!

Two years ago, I posted what I thought was the final post of this blog. I was going to allow myself a new direction. Then I found myself adding just one more post, and then another and another.... Writing it all out has been my way of anchoring these awarenesses and thoughts and feelings in my reality. It's helped me to apply the ones I resonate with in a practical manner in my daily life, breath by breath, moment by moment, situation by situation. I always have been writing this blog for myself. It just helps to write it as if I'm in conversation with someone else, talking things out. For those of you who have listened to what I have to share--thank you!

This series of posts on the villain has been quite a journey for me. When I first started writing it, I thought it was going to be short and sweet. I like keeping things simple. 

But then thoughts and insights were coming so fast and prevalent that before I even finished the first post, I had a slew of Post-It notes and other slips of available-at-the moment papers covered in ink. And it wasn't in neat, even lines. My jottings were full of circled ideas, arrows, sentences up the sides of margins. I finally brought the blasted mess down here to the computer and started getting them down here, where it was easier to list them and move them around into some semblance of order. 

I admit, that erratic pile of ideas felt overwhelming at first. But that's way life is at times, especially now--chaotic! With things happening on so many levels within, as well as outside of us. None of it is neat and linear like I've been used to--it's coming and going quantumly.... which is what I asked for....

My Unmasked Villains aren't so scary anymore.

As it turns out, I've realized my greatest and worst villain of all has been Me!  And once I've opened up and delved deeper, I've come to see that she's been a whole lot more dramatic barking than actual bite. She was a big monstrous illusion of power, with her arms all up-raised like a body-grabbing, brain-eating zombie who roared and growled and made me tremble and cower in fear. (Kind of like I do when playing with my cats while chasing them around). This also brings to mind that time my older sister jumped out from behind the caragana bushes one dark night and scared the crap out of me as I was racing back home from the chicken coop, already terrified of That Which Couldn't Be Seen.

Perhaps, my best image of my association with the Villain energies, comes from my late, and dearly loved brother, Steve. From childhood on, he'd had a recurring nightmare where, one-by-one, each of his beloved family members was grabbed and pulled under the waters by a huge hand coming out of the creek that ran below the hill of our homestead. Finally, he was the last one grabbed. But instead of the hell-type scenario he'd envisioned, (he grins wide and chuckles as he tells me this), he found himself in the midst of a party. Everyone was celebrating and have a grand old time....

I could be wrong, but I don't care.

I am aware I may have all of this completely wrong, but that doesn't matter to me, because I know that I present the best version of myself when I'm no longer afraid and struggling and fighting--which I finally realized was basically with myself all along. It was me struggling with SUGGESTIONS about the way life is that I had made my own truths. I accepted each one as a truth, yet they didn't really resonate with me or seem to stand the tests of my own life. 

I do know I'm more pleasant to be around, a whole lot more easy-going. I can totally live with having gotten the wrong end of the stick, because at least I know I've given life my best shot. I'm much more present in my own life. And I'm a lot more grateful for, and unconditionally accepting of, all that has been and is. And I find myself much more open and excited about what can be....

A year and a half ago, I received a graduation announcement from my great nephew. He was graduating from high school early in January, and had signed up for the Army National Guard. My heart dropped. I didn't want to see anyone participate in fighting any more barbaric wars. I'm just done with all that. And frankly, he didn't seem to be the warrior type.

But then, knowing a little something of the character of my nephew, I took a breath, opened up beyond my old war story ideas, and realized that if he chose that then I trusted he had a good reason, and that there was an important purpose in his doing it.

A few months later, I was talking with his dad about it. He said they--his family--were surprised, too, at this young man's announcement. But then he stated his reason for joining was he wanted to build bridges....

God, I'm so proud of him!

In loving memory, honor and gratitude--Let's Build Bridges!

And thank you for all parts played through the ages--just for me!

Related Posts:

Wake Up, Villain! I KNOW That's NOT the REAL You.... Part 1

Wake Up, Villain! Part 2: The Many Faces of the Villain

Wake Up Villain! Part 2: The Many Faces of the Villain

 

I used a string of cuss words to pop you out of numbness and into awareness of your actual feelings....

In the first part of this series of posts, Wake Up, Villain!, I found myself using a bunch of cuss words when talking about the feelings evoked in me when told I was a sinner: "In their eyes, we humans are nothing but sorry-assed, worthless pieces of sinning shit--from birth."

The monitoring editor in me was saying, "Pen, maybe you should tone that down a bit." 

But the empath in me said, "No. No more numbing and watering down the feelings of guilt and shame and unworthiness this puts on every single human being who accepts this suggestion as their truth. These swear words help convey the reality of what you haul around every moment of every day when you perceive yourself as being a sinfully-born human being, someone unworthy of existing."

In that case, my unladylike string of awful words actually seems pretty mild.... maybe I should even add a few more....

We've all been taught to tamp down, water down, edit, and suppress our feelings. But the swear words are still there, regardless of whether or not we let ourselves say them out loud. I can cuss like a drunken sailor--obviously--but I don't do it all the time because they lose their oomph, their effectiveness, when used too often. People get desensitized to them and quit listening. I've discovered there is a balance to everything, even cussing. (Grinning). And I've never been struck by lightning or bad juju when using them.... I don't use them to curse anyone, but I have been known to tell someone to "Shut the F up!"

The Parent-Teacher-Preacher Tapes reeling through my mind....

Fairly early on in my awakening, I became aware of the Parent-Teacher-Preacher- and Peer tapes looping through my mind throughout my days. I was constantly mentally monitoring myself and commenting, usually in a negative way, on how I was performing in life. I never measured up. This mental self-monitor is constant and often triggers an emotional response of energy-field contraction within oneself in order to defend and protect from perceived attacks. And that contraction of oneself just creates more villains for us....

I didn't realize how hard on and unforgiving of myself I was until I saw myself crying in the mirror as I was berating and belittling myself for falling way short in my taking care of the needs of others when I felt stretched as it was with all I had going on personally. When I finally realized that what I was doing to myself I would have never done to, or expected of, another, I apologized to the lady in the mirror. I hugged her and told her I would uplift and encourage her instead. No more beating on myself. I was doing the best I humanly knew how to in the moment at hand.... and when I did so with myself, I discovered it became so easy to do so with others....

I realized these mental voices--not actually audible in nature, but perceived and felt--were often unhealed, unresolved wounded aspects of myself from previous experiences and from even other lifetimes. They were trying to guide and protect me from getting hurt again in the same manner, thus all the self-monitoring. But they were hijacking and running my life, getting in the way of me allowing into my experience something different, newer, possibly easier, and more joyful and graceful.

I learned to open up and feel these old wounds through, to invite them in to return to neutral, zero-point energy and reintegrate into my soul, bringing with them all the wisdom distilled from their experience. And the quicker I gave myself a safe space to take a few deep breaths and open myself to feeling them through, the more quickly they passed out of my reality. 

Sometimes, the really scared and tantrum-throwing crabby aspects just had to be told to "Shut the effenheimer up!" and take a time out. They were always welcome home to me, but they had to let go of hanging onto their Poor, Pitiful Me story. It was important that they--like all my villains--had to wake up and remember the grand service they gave me in allowing themselves to be wounded in order that I have better understanding of all that I am.... and that ultimately, they were okay. I am okay. It's all worked out. Gratitude for all parts played has replaced the fear of not being good enough.

The Many Faces of the Villain

It's easy to pick out the Villain when it's someone actively attacking us, but the Villain energies are all around and within us in more subtle ways. And you just can't address something until you recognize it for yourself. And, to begin with, you have to be open to shifting your perspective.

Every one of us has a Villain aspect running our show anytime we're feeling WRONG about something. In fact, ALL the manifestations of villains in my life are my own energies in service to me. They are mirrors reflecting the self-monitoring judgments going on within me. Showing me how I'm struggling and fighting to control myself and my world. 

My outer villains helped me become more clearly aware of my inner demons by bringing them out into a more experiential and gritty-feeling reality. That's all. And when I viewed them from a more opened-up, divine perspective--where I saw this human experience as "Let's Pretend" role playing--it was easier to disconnect from being emotionally triggered by them. Then it became easy to finally release them to my soul for wisdom distillation, and my villain became obsolete. We were both set free....

Old beliefs that keep us imprisoned can be our villains.

For instance, the Born-in-Sin dogma I wrote about at the beginning of this article has definitely played the role of abuser for me. It was triggering me to close down my energy field out of shame and guilt. 

"Prove yourself worthy of taking up time, space and air on this planet." That's a tall and daunting order for anyone. And when you take into consideration that most of us humans are a bunch of now-recovering amnesiacs (this is from my perspective) who forgot we each were the creators and experiencers of our own realities, well, that just overwhelms.... What do you do? 

I refrain from asking high school graduates what they plan to do after school, because I can feel the pressure of that statement on someone just heading out into the world, not yet having experienced it fully at such a young age. I just desire for people to live a joyfully abundant life.... that's it.... 

According to that "I'm a sinner" belief, which is very much a system at this point, I wasn't worthy of existing unless I accepted someone else as my savior or some other being as having ultimate authority over me. Someone else was supposedly responsible for my life, and that was in total contradiction to the free choice concept preached to us. We were duped into staying disconnected from our own divine source and souls by being told we had to have someone else mediate that relationship for us--we couldn't allow it on our own. We had to glorify some other entity. Ultimately, it was just a method used to enslave and control--it was a form of the Villain.

When people I love or admire are fighting and at odds with one another--that is a villain for me.

This has been a story playing out before me my entire life. And I feel this tug-o-war within me trying to handle and protect all parties, including myself. It's only recently I discovered that I was closing down my own energy field in reaction to feeling stuck in the middle.

I was never meant to be the co-commiserator, mediator or the referee of the fight, or even the commentator. I was only meant to see how it was serving me by being in my life story. It was simply there to help me become aware of the consciousness I was radiating out into my world--it was a limited consciousness flow because I was internally contracting my energy field inward, and putting up armor to protect myself from the pain of the conflict.

People who let us down are our villains.

The Epstein and P. Diddy files may possibly expose awful, evil deeds committed by people whose works I've admired and enjoyed. They're going to have to address those things with their own souls--discover for themselves how to neutralize those energetic stories--just as I had to learn. But what benefit am I getting from them playing that role for me? 

After all, This is happening in my world reality--in my own creation. When I asked myself what gift they were bearing me in being that way, I realized I was inwardly contracting my energy field at the news of certain people I liked being some of the worst of culprits! I was shutting down, hopeless and helpless to change it.

Okay, Penny, take some deep inhales and releasing exhales, open up your own energy field. You can't control others, but you can unstick, open, and flow your own energies; and by doing so you illuminate more clearly your own life. You saw the gift of this particular villain for yourself when you realized you were bracing and stopping the flow of your own energies. And when you choose to open and flow instead, that in turn illuminates your world. You allowed the villain in this case to go obsolete--their service to you is fulfilled, and you both are set free from having to experience that particular potential ever again. It can sink into the background of my soup of potential experiences and something better can emerge and take its place. At least, this is so in my own reality world.

Diseases are villains.

In recent phone conversations with loved ones who are experiencing troubling--almost hopeless at times--illnesses, I found I was empathically bracing myself as I was hearing out their stories. I couldn't fix them. I had no answers for them. I couldn't change them. These were, at some level, their own choice of experience. I just listened and felt helpless and hopeless, given that I sensed some of them weren't open to a different perspective than the one they had. I hurt for them--for all the good that does.

Afterwards, I realized I was once again pulling in my energy field while listening to them. This was another Villain for me to become aware of. It was like being attacked within. Their loss of hope was being conveyed to me through their lackluster energy and tone of voice--and that was the gift they were bearing me in being just as they were. 

I could change my own world by inhaling and exhaling a few good deep breaths and instead open up my energy field in this instance. And I could potentially set us both free without having to utter a single word to try to convince the other person to my way of seeing things. I took the pressure off myself and them, and just let myself open and expand beyond the old narrative....

"Permanent" diagnoses are villains.

Be aware of health practitioners who diagnose illnesses and physical disabilities as permanent. I don't care how expert or professional anyone is, don't shut down your energy field just because, in this case, someone out there told you you're stuck in some form of imbalance for the rest of your life. Wake up! You put this situation into your experience, you magnificent creator, you! 

Question these things that affect you! I've done this throughout my awakening life, and my health is way better now than it ever has been since I was a kid who really didn't pay much attention to these types of stories, for the most part. When these things did come my way later in life, I ultimately chose to take full responsibility, and care for and appreciate myself. I chose to stay hopeful and open to a better outcome than the one they offered me. I made a conscious choice to live a more abundant and joyful, grateful life,  and to not be a burden to anyone else.

How often have I heard the statement, "That's just the way it is."? 

As if in a constantly changing world, this is the one area that is unfortunately permanent?

I hadn't realized how true that statement is for most people until I just wrote it out.

We can either curl up into a fetal ball of hopelessness, despair and self-pity. Act out a full-blown victim of a villainous disease or human condition story.... 

or.... we can say, "HELL, NO to that shit!" and take a few good deep-down inhales and releasing exhales of breaths and OPEN UP OUR ENERGY FIELDS and CHOOSE abundant, joyful lives. 

First of all--accept that YOU gave yourself this experience.... 

That totally empowers you and puts the ball in your court. Do what it takes in the moment at hand to encourage and to take care of yourself. Take the medicine if it gets you over the hump. Trust that it will all work out. Laugh, dance, sing! Enjoy your life!

Unless you are having fun being sickly and letting whomever poke and prod and pity you to death.... whatever.... it's your experience, your life to live or suffer through as you desire.

The Tattling Teacher's Pet is a villain.

This monitor of mine reminds me of the class tattle tale who informs the teacher of all the indiscretions and bad deeds of all the other kids in the classroom. She's always pointing fingers at others in order to keep from having to feel bad about, and look deeper into, herself. She's afraid of what's there....

I remember the parable of "The Little Soul and the Sun," by Neale Donald Walsch from the "Conversations with God" books I read back in the nineties. Unfortunately, some people are unwilling to look at the villains in their life from this viewpoint. Where some divine being just like oneself--who loves you beyond measure--is willing to forget who they really are in order to play the villain role for you here on Earth so you get to experience forgiveness. 

Some humans are unwilling to let go of their battling and struggling against someone or something. Too often I hear the excuse for someone hanging onto their story by telling me, "You just don't know what it's like to be abused until you're abused like I am. You can't possibly understand what I'm going through." As if I haven't been put down a time or two in my own experiences.

Frankly, it's whiny to me, and I have little tolerance for it anymore. It's apparent to me that that person likes what they have going. They like commiserating over their abuse rather than choosing to change the dynamic they have in play with their abuser. And some part of them has convinced themselves that it's their destined walk to suffer and sacrifice for what, I don't know. Maybe they think it makes them holier and cleaner in the eyes of their god. Does helplessly watching someone suffer make the rest of us feel and do better? Maybe they believe they deserve a difficult life. Whatever the rationale, they don't want to change their experience, otherwise they would take the steps to do so.

This person talks about their villain's negativity towards them--insisting on it--but is unaware that their own blaming of another is negative and energy-feeding to those of us listening. Especially when he or she is unwilling to listen to a perspective other than their own unwavering judgment that their villain is just plain evil. "That's just the way it is."

At that point, I can tell they are enjoying playing in the story they have going. They aren't open to anything else until they're ready.... and that's okay.... I just choose to disconnect from them regarding that particular story, maybe even going so far as disconnecting from them personally for awhile just so we can each get on with living out our own chosen creations, our own chosen lives.

I often sense that some people are afraid that if they let all their trials and tribulations, dramas and traumas go, they'll be left in a void, bored out of their minds.... and maybe even out of their bodies....

Other people playing out tragedies, illnesses, and handicaps can be our villains.

"Why do bad things happen to good people?"

An almost blind person struggles her entire life to act like she isn't blind. As a kid, she insists on riding bike along a very narrow shoulder of highway, putting herself and the drivers on the highway at risk. She obstinately goes out into a snowstorm and gets lost. Mishap after mishap happens. She balks against any kind of help or tools a blind person can be taught that might make it easier, with what limited vision she has, for navigating the sighted world. She wants to fit in, to be "normal." That's totally understandable. She fights the experience instead of accepting and opening up to it--and that gets her stuck in it. 

Bless her for playing this out for my benefit. It helps to get a bit of distance--have someone else act out the part in order to help me get a broader perspective from the observer or audience seat.

In this instance, she's played out a type of villain-victim/conflict scenario for me. She isn't the first one to play this particular game out for me. I've had quite a few individuals throughout my life who've had various types of tragedies happen. I asked for someone to play those roles for myself in order to help me understand finally that I was never meant to pity or fix them or carry their burdens. 

They were playing out this role in order to help me become aware that I was simply bracing and closing down my own energy field in relationship to interacting with them. I was feeling helpless and stuck, too, and that stopped my flow of consciousness and my ability to create something freer and different than what we had going. My closing in was keeping our story together in play. The story's purpose had zero to do with trying to figure out how to manage them or make them happier.

In the old consciousness, this is a very normal human approach for all the characters in the story. She doesn't remember she created her situation (on the other side of the Veil of Forgetting), and put it into play. Many of our belief systems reinforce this--humans just haven't known otherwise--we've been lost in our own creations. She and her loved ones FEEL like they did something WRONG to deserve this experience. They didn't know they could view it from a different, more self-empowering perspective: as a temporary experience that was selected by the Eternal Divine facet that is a part of every single human being. Everyone was trying to handle it the best way they knew how at the time.

Feeling sorry for someone doesn't change a thing.

I see all the loved ones in my life as Magnificent Divine Beings having their own Human experiences within their own personally created realities. For me, it helps me let go of trying to fix anyone--that just doesn't work. Nor does it work to take on their painful stories as my own to suffer through for them. As for pitying them--have you ever been the recipient of pity? How does that feel? Does it help at all?.... Been there, done all of that.

"If it's in my life, I ALONE put it here. I am the only one who can un-create my own creation."

Instead, I found it empowered me to view my entire human life as something I created. It helped me to open up to the MORE--the grander, more magnificent beings that we are and have become BECAUSE of having been in a very limited human body, mind, and environment. Where we can appear to be born into life and also die. We are each just having a temporal--even changeable--experience, and it's up to the individual creator how they choose to play it out, moment by moment.

When I view someone as an amazing and courageous fellow angelic being who created a particularly difficult and challenging life story for themselves as a human being, then the pity and sense of helplessness to handle their suffering is replaced with my admiration for their heroic endeavor to dive so deeply into an experience of such limitation. That perspective opens me up....

None of us has ever done anything wrong!

I've loved and resonated with this concept from the first time I heard it, but now I truly get it. You're going to have to open up your hearts and your perspective beyond your very narrow, limited human self. You have to step out of your human costume and into your own soul or divinity to see this. The human just can't do this itself--we've been through too much pain, drama, trauma, and suffering these many lifetimes. 

The Human Experiencer needs its Soul/Divinity to help it see the greater, grander view of what's really going on. The Human can see only the narrow slice it's in. Whereas the Soul has the view of the whole pie.

It takes a great deal of courage to play the Fool and Victim. And it takes a great deal of spiritual amnesia to forget who you truly are in order to play the dark parts of the Villain. To do the evil deeds requires complete forgetting of the authentic self. You have to see yourself as a totally unworthy Little Human just trying to survive in a cruel world set against you from the get-go. It's a game of power, an illusion that the winner takes all--no matter what it takes to do so, even if you have to lie, cheat and steal. What a horrible state to be in....

This is all just an act. Just like the actors in movies pretend to be people and character types that aren't who they really are, so it goes with each and all of us. Once the movie is done, we revert back to our real selves, but a bit wiser because of the story we acted out. We're acting out stories and situations together to get a better understanding of who we all are and the qualities within us. Nobody is eternally harmed or killed off, even if killed while in the human form. And we exchange playing out bad guy/good guy roles so that it balances out and we all get a well-rounded education.

With that said, if you find yourself backed into a corner by one of your own raging demons, whether it's a physical illness or handicap, or a mental imbalance, or a really bad deed--and there seems no safe way out--just stop flailing around for a moment. Give yourself a safe space alone with you and your divine facet--invite that spiritual part of you into your life. Close your eyes and take some good deep inhales through your nose and into your lower ribcage and then blow out those breaths through your mouth. Do it a few times to lower your heart rate and blood pressure, shut off the mental tapes. Open up your energy field and invite your divinity (the god within) into your being--let that heart light burst wide open....

Saul persecuted a lot of Christians before he had his realization of the Christ within him and changed his name to Paul. He changed his name in order to reflect his complete change in nature. Back in those days, it was common practice to crucify--hang the "criminals" on a cross upside down and leave them there as an example to the rest of the populace what would happen if they didn't go along with the tenets of whomever was in power. It was illegal to take them down and bury them. 

My point here is that Saul committed some pretty atrocious, evil acts on his fellow man. I used to wonder how Saul-who-renamed-himself-Paul could live with himself once he realized the error of his ways. He had to have the divine viewpoint of his soul. Otherwise, he'd have taken the Judas Iscariot route and killed himself. I know I couldn't have lived with myself in those circumstances--not without a broader perspective than that of just the Little Human trying to survive in a tough, often cruel-feeling world.

How to Diffuse the Villain Energies: "What gift are you bearing me?"

The most recent gift to me in all the various faces of the Villain these past months is that they've helped me become aware of when I'm bracing and closing down my personal energy field. Energy Field Management 101. 

Everything is my energy field in service solely to me. I no longer fight with or brace against any of it when I become aware of what is going on inside me. No more waiting for the next shoe to drop or trying to figure out how to handle the next travesty. I just BREATHE, OPEN and ACCEPT, RELAX, and FLOW.... I'm safe! And so are all my loved ones!

Another gift of the villain for me is that it has helped me realize how unconditionally I am able to love--to the point of even sincerely feeling grateful for everyone and everything, regardless of the situation played out for my benefit. That is the ultimate gift--to know that I can love so purely and sincerely....

Related posts:

Wake Up, Villain! Part 1: I KNOW that's NOT the REAL YOU!

Wake Up, Villain! Part 3: Let's Build Bridges!

Wake Up, Villain! I Know That's NOT the REAL YOU.... Part 1

Our Earthly history is rife with stories of the fall of humanity from grace with its battles of evil versus good, with hierarchies of authority--both human and spiritual--and with saints of suffering, sacrifice and ultimately, martyrdom.... 

And.... 

there was something inside of me that never resonated with this extremely polar, black and white perception.... I always felt within that there was SO MUCH MORE to each and all of us and our purpose for being here on this planet. One of the verses in the Holy Bible, "Those who come first shall be last, and those who come last shall be first." seemed to say to me that all of us humans are created equal, and the multitudes of roles we each play throughout our lives are important to the whole, whether we play the role of awakened master or deep-asleep-to-whom-we-truly-are Victim or Villain. For through the TEMPORARY enactment of all of these qualities we each gain wisdom for our own souls and for the whole of Creation and its ultimate Eternal One Source....

In other words, we get to know and understand our selves while playing a "Let's Pretend" game where we don various human costumes with limited life spans so as to be able to experience different identities in a place where no one and nothing is permanent. Basically, I mean that no one is ever truly, eternally lost....

Of course, this is a pretty rebellious and revolutionary way to view humanity, and for most of my life I didn't quite have the words to express it, nor the courage to just say it like I perceived it, people-pleaser that I was. Ha! You see, I grew up in a predominantly Christian-practicing community though I wasn't raised in any religion--my parents were open-hearted that way. My mom's dad left Finland at the age of sixteen and part of his reason for doing so at the time was to have religious freedom. My dad's mother was Presbyterian and his father was Catholic, so they chose to give their children the freedom to choose their own religious belief. That was very open thinking for their era--the early nineteen hundreds. In my own personal memories, it was still as late as the 1970s that it was a huge thing for a Catholic to marry a Lutheran--both Christian religions, mind you.

The "Born in Sin" Belief System

I've had this as a recurring theme throughout my entire life: "Bad human! You're a bad, bad human!"

I finally found myself addressing this belief system up close and personal only a few months back. A long-time friend played the superstitious,judgmental, religious bully for me--a villain type role. I was informed that the "Word of God" Holy Bible (their version of it which was the only right interpretation of it, of course) stated that the hearts of men were wicked. And the only way out of that jail cell was by accepting that Jesus (the only son of "God") was nailed on a cross as a sacrifice for their salvation. You had to accept his martyrdom as your only free pass from a Pit of Eternal Burning Hell destination. This was assured to happen after you die, of course. Never mind about how you're living here and now.

In their eyes, we humans are nothing but sorry-assed worthless pieces of sinning shit--from birth. We are to unquestioningly worship and obey a judging, sometimes even angry, wrathful god without hope of knowing that authority personally. We're called God's children, but frankly, who wants a parent telling you how to be without including the why? Aren't we supposed to be learning stuff? And without the reasoning behind the guidance, how are we to learn?

How dare you to have the balls to question his ways and reasonings! Much less ask if there is a greater purpose in the human condition being as it is. Like, "Why do bad things happen to good, kind people?" Never mind that I stated that I loved Jesus/Yeshua's messages and that I'd felt connected with him from a very young age. None of that mattered to them.

Yeah, I got me some scriptures quoted at me and informed that they would pray for me, the obstinate heathen who refused to accept their perspective as my own truth. Heaven forbid, I have the courage to ask a few questions! Heaven forbid, that I had some other ideas due to my own personal experiences and deep inner reflections as a human seeking real, reasonable, loving answers.... resolutions where absolutely no one is a lost cause.... including and especially me!

I realized afterward the gift that this exchange with my friends revealed, was that slapping ol' Jesus up on that cross gave them the freedom to keep doing mean and wicked things! They didn't have to take responsibility for their actions. "Hey! That's just who and how we icky humans are." They could escape delving deeper into themselves. They didn't have to open up and contemplate doing things differently. Jesus had 'em covered--even in their petty and cruel self-righteousness. 

They could keep being bullies and forcing their ideas on someone else and not be open to hearing the other person's experiences and perspectives. They were the ones who asked me about my views and beliefs in the first place! And they didn't do so in order to seek a common ground with me. They did it to try and prove to themselves and their kids, whom we all held dear, that they were better than me. 

This was after fifteen years of friendship in which I kept my mouth shut and allowed and honored them their own path--and I still did that with them throughout this conversation. You see, I recognized their path, though different than my own, was just as important as mine, and I was celebrating that as well as the many things we did have in common. But they obviously weren't in a place to reciprocate that.... and so, after telling them this later, after the fact of this horrible exchange and away from their kids, I told them that the way they treated me was unacceptable and that I chose to disconnect from them. While I loved them and wished them the best, it was time to go our separate ways, for now....

While this was an awful experience, they played a part that got me writing about this topic of the villain, and for that I am grateful. Someone had to play this part for me.... and.... I need to express my own truth about this stuff. It's time....

Only one lifetime to get 'er done right?.... 

or.... 

Many lifetimes of experiences and identities to get the height and depth and breadth and width of all that we each are? 

Which one seems more rational and reasonable and loving to you? Back in the nineties, I was asking myself this question and reading books on past lives and near death experiences. It made sense that we lived more than one life, especially in the case of children who died--that just didn't seem like enough experience for a soul. I even found the Christian Bible had alluded to the idea of living more than one life, but of course, if you allow that to be considered, much less studied, you may lose control of your followers. Or not. You might gain many more by helping to set them free of an identity that may be guilt-ridden and hopeless. 

One recent Christian totally blew me off when I even mentioned the idea that a woman she'd always loved and felt a close connection with was probably someone very dear to her in another lifetime. "I don't believe that." So, that was it for that exchange of ideas. Ah, well....

Karma or Divine Agreements

Viewing my villains as someone I probably played the part of villain for in another lifetime takes the oomph out of our whole sordid interaction. Seeing an interaction from the viewpoint that either it's a balancing act of karma or that we'd had an agreement on the other side of the Veil before being born means I can't keep poking my finger at someone outside of me. The finger always points back at me when it's all said and done. I have to open up and seek an actual true resolution--an end to it--instead of blaming someone else and continuing the cycle.

What Gift are you bearing me?

The "Conversations with God" books by Neale Donald Walsh introduced me to this perspective and it resonated so deeply that I've constantly practiced applying it, especially when an interaction with someone caused a feeling of unease within me.

We humans have a tendency to look at others and automatically think, "What can I do for you?" or "What do you want from me?"

But this perspective: "What gift are you bearing me?" has everyone and everything in my energy field acting out something for me, by being exactly as they are in the moment at hand.

The Bully Villain comes in many forms from the religious bully to the human forcing others to "legally" play in their silly "I'm a furbie" or "I'm a Pronoun" identity games. 

Whatever its form, to me it's a type of rape--forcing oneself and your own ideas--upon another. They are energy-feeding power games. It's looking outside of yourself for validation and acceptance at the expense of someone else--and, ultimately, at the expense of yourself. Whatever I put out returns home to me.

I'm all for using your imaginations and pretending to be someone or something other than you--that's a tremendous gift in this life which allows us to open up beyond our Little Human identities and viewpoints. But using courts of law to force others to play with you, not honoring the freedom and sovereignty of your fellow human beings--you've taken the joy and innocence of it and made it rotten and sinister.

Whenever I feel into the core energy of a Villain/Bully, I always sense that the person is wrestling with Self-Worthlessness, ironic as that may seem....

I have found that the more over-blown the ego, the more unworthy-feeling the person is. They are using it as protective armor to try to cope with feeling so vulnerable, so icky.

When we humans perceive ourselves as unworthy of existing at the core, we often have a tendency to go either of two polar ways:

We either say, "Eff it! I give up trying to be any better when no one sees me as anything but a villain!" and we play out being evil to the hilt. 

Or we bend over backwards trying to please people through self-sacrifice and suffering and martyrdom in order to try to appear to be more perfect, more worthy of existing.

But there is another option where you shift perspective and look at our human facet as being the courageous Experiencer for our divinity of all of its own creations--whether they be good, bad, beautiful or ugly. That maybe we humans were created for a good purpose. 

I'm never at peace if I'm hating someone....

While I may hate someone's behavior, I find I have a tendency to look deeper. I know there is goodness at the heart of everyone no matter how evil they appear to me in a moment of human time. It may appear naive to do so, like I'm setting myself up to be betrayed; but I've come to the conclusion that if an individual does betray my trust in them then that responsibility lies with them. They have to live with that, not me. I choose to disconnect and move on with my own life. I know there is a gift for me in our exchange happening just as it did and the understanding of what it is will come to me, but I don't have to continue to interact with someone in an unpleasant situation. Love lets us all go....

From the first moment of our meeting I could feel my religious friend feeling uneasy with me. His wife had pursued a deeper friendship with me when she assumed I was a church-going Christian because a mutual friend of ours told her about my dad's twin brother being a missionary in Africa. My dad was the black sheep of the family as far as the whole church thing--we didn't belong to any church. His mother often said that the greatest hypocrites were often found in the front pews. We younger kids weren't even baptised nor did we attend any Bible studies. There were Christian principles influencing our behavior and we had a Bible and a children's version of its basic stories. Along with my mom's standard practice of "Don't be a gossip. And never judge another until you've walked a mile in his moccasins."

Anyway, my beloved friends of many years didn't ask about my faith or ideas, and frankly, I didn't feel safe sharing that with them, for good reason as it turns out. Ha! But I could feel him not knowing what to do with me. It has been my experience that individuals like this--often those who've sought solace in religion--have done something in their past that they deeply regret and don't have any hope of undoing. Kind of like ex-smokers and ex-drinkers being the most judgmental of all when it comes to those perceived vices. I could feel his own sense of unworthiness hiding behind a holier-than-thou behavior that seemed focused on what he perceived as the failings of others of lesser faith and understanding than his own. While I gave him every opportunity to feel safe with me and to treat me as an equal--he didn't--but that wasn't my problem....

I've finally realized after a lifetime of different reactions from different strangers that people generally either feel safe with me or if they're into power and playing in ego games, they feel threatened--because titles and hierarchy nonsense doesn't impress me. I generally don't go in trying to figure someone out or judge them upon first meeting. I let them reveal themselves to me if and as they choose....

I invite everyone to contemplate these ideas for themselves....

You're the sovereign creator of your own life--you decide what resonates and what doesn't. But as far as I'm concerned, we have a world in chaos where long-held imbalances are rising to the surface to be released--one of these being the tendency to point fingers at villains, keeping them in the role of "Bully" within our own minds and hearts instead of offering one another hope and reminding each other, "This villainous act you have going for me has given me wisdom in the only manner experience can provide. I've gained the understandings I wanted from this and now it's time to remind you, you're not really a wicked, evil being at the core--at the heart of you. You're a loving being who sacrificed remembering your true self in order to help me learn more about myself, ourselves.... "

Thank you for your service, and now wake up and remember the true you.... my beloved.... it's time.

There's more to come, but this seems to be enough for now. Part 2 will be coming shortly....

Related Posts:

Thank You For Royally Pissing Me Off

Wake Up, Villain! Part 2: The Many Faces of the Villain

Wake Up, Villain! Part 3: Let's Build Bridges!

Thank You For Royally Pissing Me Off

 Thank you for royally pissing me off because I feel myself standing up inside myself and saying, "HELL NO!!! We are done playing this bullshit game! Get the fuck out of my head and presence if you can't treat me as an equal--I don't care who you are! You do not get to lecture me anymore! I KNOW who I am and what I'm about--and it's as benevolent and as loving as anything you'll ever experience outside of yourself."

.... You see, I know you played that pain-in-the-ass part for me so I'd get angry enough to quit suppressing myself.... so.... ultimately I'm grateful but I'm still highly pissed off at you right now....

Boom! I'm here!!! I'm present! I'm illuminated for my own life! 

There is no dimming of myself. No backing off anymore. There is no room left inside of me for tolerating any bullshit lectures from anyone or anything on how to be and what to do. I'm here, dammit!--deal with it!

It turns out that four-letter-worded anger helped me go beyond that self-suppression thing I had going for pretty much this entire lifetime.... and, I'm certain, for many others....

Yeah--I suppressed myself. A lot of it was because life for me was easier by keeping quiet. I don't like fighting and arguing. I don't like the feeling of people expressing disappointment in me. I have no need to be the center of everyone else's attention. I find other people patting me on the back kind of condescending and unnecessary.

At seven years old I found out my sense of humor wasn't always the same as my dad's, whom I adored. I had vomited while standing in the school lunch line with several high-schoolers I idolized. I was as embarrassed and mortified as all get out, but after sitting in my brothers' room hearing them and their friends share their funny stories, I found a way I might turn that whole debacle into a funny story of my own. We're all sitting around the long kitchen table having dinner--a midday meal--with our family and my brothers' friends when I have a lightbulb moment. I can feel myself grinning with anticipation of making the whole table roar with laughter. I grab my stomach and groan, "Ugh.... I think I'm going to throw up!" I'm looking out of my peripherals for that burst of laughter that never came. Instead, Dad says to me in that quiet, I mean business and I'm ashamed of you tone, "Pen, we don't talk that way at the table." I gave up trying to tell stories out loud and I quieted my mouth for fear of getting myself into trouble and disappointing my loved ones.

Never mind that it was at my own expense--heaven forbid I hurt anyone's feelings even if they were acting like judgmental dimwits at times. I dimmed my own bulb so as to be more pleasing, more acceptable to others. It turns out they never really actually cared what was going on with me--life for them was all about them, and that's not a selfish thing at all. We humans each have our own uniquely created realities. There is a voice and an awareness and perception within every single one of us that no one but oneself can access. We are each meant to be the sovereign master creator of our own lives/realities by accessing and including our own divine facet into our body of consciousness--body, mind, spirit, gnost. Into whatever form, if any, that we might take.

From childhood on I learned from parents, siblings, preachers, teachers, friends--and even ascended masters later on--that I needed to monitor myself. 

Yes, I heard from an ascended master, "That's no way to be--that's just wrong." And this past weekend I paid for getting a too long-winded finger-wagging about using AI that I did not deserve. I have every intention of utilizing AI to create and communicate in my grandest, most-loving way. I even did so a few months back--but there were glitches and artifacts that frustrated me. And there's a learning curve on prompting for me. Plus, I can only stand being on the computer for so long.

Yeah, it ticked me off especially after just getting a text from a long-time friend who was disrespectful of me enough that I finally stood up for myself and disconnected the friendship a couple months ago. The friend wanted to know if I was feeling better and to say that they were so surprised by my reaction to their belittling of me and my life and my own personal relationship with my own divinity. There was absolutely no apology--not that I expected to get one. There was simply the statement, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Yeah--that pissed me off.

So I had all this clanging around in my head during that last part of the shoud, thinking, "Here we go again--I'm going to be leaving this group that I love again! I feel so angry, so conflicted--but so damned pissed off I don't think there is any coming back from this one this time!"

I wrote most of this a few days ago just to get it out, to get some clarity.... and.... clarity and freedom from suppressing myself has finally come. I wasn't sure I was going to post this at first. Sometimes I write stuff in order to purge it but I feel it's important to let this side of me be seen without apology....

There is more to come but I had to let myself feel all of this through without monitoring myself, trying to figure out how I was wrong in the whole thing and how to make myself fit in better. I was never meant to fit in fully or to follow.... Nor were any of you....

Feeling Backed-Into-a-Corner Desperate? There's a Way Out For Absolutely Everyone

Have you done and said things you wish with all your heart and soul that you'd never done and said? Especially dark and harmful things? Well, my beloveds, there is Good News for you! There is a way out. Close your eyes, take a few good deep-down breaths into your heart, your diaphragm, your toes, and into the real you--your Divinity, your very own Soul....

Wake up, my beloved, from your nightmare....

You're just dreaming and in a dreamscape that feels so real, so solid that you believe it's you and that it's all there is to you.... but you are, every single human is SO MUCH MORE! Just as it is with all your other nighttime terrors--wake up and let it go.... Step out of the rollercoaster car.... That isn't who you really are.... and.... it's never too late!

Hit the "Delete" key if you don't like the direction or the outcome of your story. 

Select something new from all that wisdom you have gained from that old story. It may be a slight alteration in direction or a 180 degree shift--whatever works for you.

We all have a Divine and Eternal origin, and in joy of its awareness of existence, that divinity of each individual has been on an exploration of its own library of potentials, discovering who and what it is, and how this library of energetic potentials works for each of us. 

The HUMAN EXPERIENCE is the most sensual, grounded, gritty, real-feeling dream of all dreams. We create and get to immerse into experiencing our own creations! Just, WOW! Our feet touch the ground, the winds reverberate in our ears, our skin tingles with awareness and touch, our hearts pump, our eyes not only see, but they connect us with others--and we laugh, smile, cry, feel grief, pain and joy. We create music and art and we dance. We know love--the real pure kind that has ultimate compassion and wisdom and is completely unconditional. This human dreamscape is so real we even get to experience getting stuck, feeling lost and alone, with no way out. But, you can and will wake up from it--and it will happen NATURALLY when you're ready.... 

What a GIFT this human dream is! What a gift YOU are, I don't care how dark or horrendous you believe yourself to be at times.... that isn't the real you, the fullness of you. It's just  a tiny droplet of you exploring potentials to experience--none of them is set in stone. Let it go. Wake up from your night terror--that is not the real you. It's all just a dream and it can change in an instant--but only if YOU LET IT.... 

But don't just take my word for it. Close your eyes, take some good deep breaths to quiet your mind so you can access your heart in the quiet. Your soul is right there within you waiting to be invited in by you to have a relationship with it. It will not force itself on you. Ask for its perspective and allow it to dance with you in this human dream--and watch as the terrors disperse into nothingness.

YOU ARE SO LOVING and COURAGEOUS, beloved human, and SO LOVED!

All is truly well in all of Creation! This is just a dream....

Share Your Own Stories--They Are a Gift

 

A Den of Vipers

I am not a lover of snakes or most reptiles. They give me the heebie-jeebies. Many of my worst nightmares had me landing in a pit of snakes or being chased by them.

Recently I found myself in the human equivalent of a den of snakes and it wasn't pleasant. The thing with snakes though (I grew up in rattlesnake country) is that they really aren't wicked and evil at heart. They're just reacting out of fear. They'll strike out at anything that approaches them--blindly. It's just a survival instinct....

And.... that's the same thing I found with these beloved human friends of mine.... Their religious belief system had taught them that the human heart was wicked, and there I was sharing my stories of my own experiences and conversations with "god" (actually, my own divine soul within me--but I knew they weren't ready to hear that!). I was telling them about reading one of their bible scriptures years ago that said to not study the literal word of the bible, but to explore it with one's own heart as a guide. To go within, have some inner reflection time. Boy, did I hit a nerve with that one!

I was firmly put in my place, because HE had read and studied the bible many times over and insisted that he had never read that, ever! I was treated to this scorn in front of their kids, whom I adore. He was showing off to them.

Their Holy Bible was the literal and end-all actual Word of God. Jesus was the one and only son of Him, and no matter how much I loved Yeshua/Jesus--if I didn't accept him as my savior then I--their friend who I KNEW they loved--was destined for an eternal hell. According to them it was justly deemed so by their wrathful and judgmental version of god. We lowly, icky humans couldn't possibly understand--nor were ever meant to--such a god's reasons and ways. Even if it didn't resonate with your heart (which was "wicked" to begin with) and seemed pretty cruel--you just don't question god. That, too, is a sin--you wicked bastards, you humans!

Oh, that's a heavy burden.... I'd be dead by now if I was hauling that around. He had a heart attack a couple years back and experienced another heart episode just recently. I now see it as his heart trying to open up, but his mind/ego putting on the brakes.

Now, I had not gone into their home with any agenda that evening. I never have. I knew that this is what they believed and practiced, and I honored them their free choice and sovereignty--their own paths. I recognized the contributing beauty of them. Somehow though, this time I found myself in the middle of this exchange as I shared some of my most profound and enlightening stories of my own experiences and personal realizations--the ones I shared on my blog: The Benevolent Rebel. They'd been curious about us, so I opened wide, made myself vulnerable, reiterating that I wasn't out to proselytize or convince them that they were all wrong and I was right. These were just MY STORIES, and they each had their own unique stories, and I celebrated them exactly where they were in them. But the human mind trap--purely as a survival instinct--had them striking out at me. My hands were shaking--I blamed it on the coffee, but it was their reaction to me sharing myself with them. It hurt.... and.... I'm just fine.... I survived it intact (rolling my eyes a bit and having a good laugh at myself now).

My husband and I did not sleep well that night. What the hell happened? How did we get ourselves into that? We had a fun time playing games with the family afterward, hugged and shook hands with one another when we left but I had this awful aftertaste. I was rattled and found myself no longer wanting to interact with them. To disconnect for a while. If they wanted to see me again, then it was up to them.... I wasn't going to subject myself to that again. Love sets boundaries as well as letting go. I had given them a safe and sacred space to be--a sanctuary--but they didn't reciprocate that with me. They had to be right, no matter the cost....

"Forgive them--they know not what they do."

I felt like I'd been attacked--piled upon by jackals and ripped to shreds by someone who had no awareness of doing that with me.

For those who have read any of my stories you'll understand that forgiveness, for me, was a steppingstone to having sincere gratitude for all parts played just for me. And so it is with this story of mine.

“Penny, what was the gift for you in this experience?”

I put it here--this highly unpleasant conflict of an experience--so what benefit did I get from it?

I had my own stories, and I shared them out loud with a joy and passion that I really only saved for my blog or with people that I felt safe with in the moment. Not with people I KNEW wouldn't accept my perspective with open arms. My beloved friends were reading and quoting bible verses at me left, right and center and I simply accepted them, let it flow on by me--15 years I made a safe space for them. When someone quotes stuff at me that they haven't experienced for themselves it pretty much sounds and feels like a boring, mono-toned teacher just passing along "facts" that he doesn't even feel excited about. Blah, blah, blah. Static, static, static--simply an irritating frequency.

After this night, I realized I'd never heard them share their own personal stories of realizations in all the years of our friendship. The focus was on the faults and idiosyncrasies of others and following THE rules, bible studies, and church. Their god was mean and judgmental--and so were they without realizing it. They accused me of creating a god for myself instead of accepting the "real" thing. They didn't see what I saw: They were being just like the kind of god they worshipped, which is what humans do....

The only time I saw them excited was when they got onto the subjects of eternal hell and damnation, evil, Satan, the wickedness of humans, the wrongness of Eve. The woman, the Feminine, was a subordinate in their view, instead of being an equal, but importantly different, partner to the Masculine. I've observed people caught up in this dogma and doctrine get a glint in their eye when they discuss these things. They're feeding off the drama and trauma surrounding these suggestions that they've made their truth. They like it! And you can argue yourself blue over the right or wrong interpretation or the "correct" bible with them, but you end up convincing no one of anything.

But stories--I realized that they didn't argue with my stories of my experiences--they couldn't! I suppose they could have written me off as a crazy loon and probably did--but if they're like me, nothing sticks with you like a story....

My beloved humans--share your stories. You and your experiences and your realizations are so much more of a gift than you can possibly realize! Forget the quoting crap unless it connects into your experience. Share your gift of what it's like being an imperfect human so you can see and feel for yourself what a true and unique gem you are--always, in ALL YOUR WAYS.

And I'm here--a lover of stories--ready to listen and celebrate and laugh with each and every one! Rejoice in the gift of this life on Earth and what we've discovered from it, story by story.... heart by heart....

Share your own good news!