Wake Up, Villain! I Know That's NOT the REAL YOU.... Part 1

Our Earthly history is rife with stories of the fall of humanity from grace with its battles of evil versus good, with hierarchies of authority--both human and spiritual--and with saints of suffering, sacrifice and ultimately, martyrdom.... 

And.... 

there was something inside of me that never resonated with this extremely polar, black and white perception.... I always felt within that there was SO MUCH MORE to each and all of us and our purpose for being here on this planet. One of the verses in the Holy Bible, "Those who come first shall be last, and those who come last shall be first." seemed to say to me that all of us humans are created equal, and the multitudes of roles we each play throughout our lives are important to the whole, whether we play the role of awakened master or deep-asleep-to-whom-we-truly-are Victim or Villain. For through the TEMPORARY enactment of all of these qualities we each gain wisdom for our own souls and for the whole of Creation and its ultimate Eternal One Source....

In other words, we get to know and understand our selves while playing a "Let's Pretend" game where we don various human costumes with limited life spans so as to be able to experience different identities in a place where no one and nothing is permanent. Basically, I mean that no one is ever truly, eternally lost....

Of course, this is a pretty rebellious and revolutionary way to view humanity, and for most of my life I didn't quite have the words to express it, nor the courage to just say it like I perceived it, people-pleaser that I was. Ha! You see, I grew up in a predominantly Christian-practicing community though I wasn't raised in any religion--my parents were open-hearted that way. My mom's dad left Finland at the age of sixteen and part of his reason for doing so at the time was to have religious freedom. My dad's mother was Presbyterian and his father was Catholic, so they chose to give their children the freedom to choose their own religious belief. That was very open thinking for their era--the early nineteen hundreds. In my own personal memories, it was still as late as the 1970s that it was a huge thing for a Catholic to marry a Lutheran--both Christian religions, mind you.

The "Born in Sin" Belief System

I've had this as a recurring theme throughout my entire life: "Bad human! You're a bad, bad human!"

I finally found myself addressing this belief system up close and personal only a few months back. A long-time friend played the superstitious,judgmental, religious bully for me--a villain type role. I was informed that the "Word of God" Holy Bible (their version of it which was the only right interpretation of it, of course) stated that the hearts of men were wicked. And the only way out of that jail cell was by accepting that Jesus (the only son of "God") was nailed on a cross as a sacrifice for their salvation. You had to accept his martyrdom as your only free pass from a Pit of Eternal Burning Hell destination. This was assured to happen after you die, of course. Never mind about how you're living here and now.

In their eyes, we humans are nothing but sorry-assed worthless pieces of sinning shit--from birth. We are to unquestioningly worship and obey a judging, sometimes even angry, wrathful god without hope of knowing that authority personally. We're called God's children, but frankly, who wants a parent telling you how to be without including the why? Aren't we supposed to be learning stuff? And without the reasoning behind the guidance, how are we to learn?

How dare you to have the balls to question his ways and reasonings! Much less ask if there is a greater purpose in the human condition being as it is. Like, "Why do bad things happen to good, kind people?" Never mind that I stated that I loved Jesus/Yeshua's messages and that I'd felt connected with him from a very young age. None of that mattered to them.

Yeah, I got me some scriptures quoted at me and informed that they would pray for me, the obstinate heathen who refused to accept their perspective as my own truth. Heaven forbid, I have the courage to ask a few questions! Heaven forbid, that I had some other ideas due to my own personal experiences and deep inner reflections as a human seeking real, reasonable, loving answers.... resolutions where absolutely no one is a lost cause.... including and especially me!

I realized afterward the gift that this exchange with my friends revealed, was that slapping ol' Jesus up on that cross gave them the freedom to keep doing mean and wicked things! They didn't have to take responsibility for their actions. "Hey! That's just who and how we icky humans are." They could escape delving deeper into themselves. They didn't have to open up and contemplate doing things differently. Jesus had 'em covered--even in their petty and cruel self-righteousness. 

They could keep being bullies and forcing their ideas on someone else and not be open to hearing the other person's experiences and perspectives. They were the ones who asked me about my views and beliefs in the first place! And they didn't do so in order to seek a common ground with me. They did it to try and prove to themselves and their kids, whom we all held dear, that they were better than me. 

This was after fifteen years of friendship in which I kept my mouth shut and allowed and honored them their own path--and I still did that with them throughout this conversation. You see, I recognized their path, though different than my own, was just as important as mine, and I was celebrating that as well as the many things we did have in common. But they obviously weren't in a place to reciprocate that.... and so, after telling them this later, after the fact of this horrible exchange and away from their kids, I told them that the way they treated me was unacceptable and that I chose to disconnect from them. While I loved them and wished them the best, it was time to go our separate ways, for now....

While this was an awful experience, they played a part that got me writing about this topic of the villain, and for that I am grateful. Someone had to play this part for me.... and.... I need to express my own truth about this stuff. It's time....

Only one lifetime to get 'er done right?.... 

or.... 

Many lifetimes of experiences and identities to get the height and depth and breadth and width of all that we each are? 

Which one seems more rational and reasonable and loving to you? Back in the nineties, I was asking myself this question and reading books on past lives and near death experiences. It made sense that we lived more than one life, especially in the case of children who died--that just didn't seem like enough experience for a soul. I even found the Christian Bible had alluded to the idea of living more than one life, but of course, if you allow that to be considered, much less studied, you may lose control of your followers. Or not. You might gain many more by helping to set them free of an identity that may be guilt-ridden and hopeless. 

One recent Christian totally blew me off when I even mentioned the idea that a woman she'd always loved and felt a close connection with was probably someone very dear to her in another lifetime. "I don't believe that." So, that was it for that exchange of ideas. Ah, well....

Karma or Divine Agreements

Viewing my villains as someone I probably played the part of villain for in another lifetime takes the oomph out of our whole sordid interaction. Seeing an interaction from the viewpoint that either it's a balancing act of karma or that we'd had an agreement on the other side of the Veil before being born means I can't keep poking my finger at someone outside of me. The finger always points back at me when it's all said and done. I have to open up and seek an actual true resolution--an end to it--instead of blaming someone else and continuing the cycle.

What Gift are you bearing me?

The "Conversations with God" books by Neale Donald Walsh introduced me to this perspective and it resonated so deeply that I've constantly practiced applying it, especially when an interaction with someone caused a feeling of unease within me.

We humans have a tendency to look at others and automatically think, "What can I do for you?" or "What do you want from me?"

But this perspective: "What gift are you bearing me?" has everyone and everything in my energy field acting out something for me, by being exactly as they are in the moment at hand.

The Bully Villain comes in many forms from the religious bully to the human forcing others to "legally" play in their silly "I'm a furbie" or "I'm a Pronoun" identity games. 

Whatever its form, to me it's a type of rape--forcing oneself and your own ideas--upon another. They are energy-feeding power games. It's looking outside of yourself for validation and acceptance at the expense of someone else--and, ultimately, at the expense of yourself. Whatever I put out returns home to me.

I'm all for using your imaginations and pretending to be someone or something other than you--that's a tremendous gift in this life which allows us to open up beyond our Little Human identities and viewpoints. But using courts of law to force others to play with you, not honoring the freedom and sovereignty of your fellow human beings--you've taken the joy and innocence of it and made it rotten and sinister.

Whenever I feel into the core energy of a Villain/Bully, I always sense that the person is wrestling with Self-Worthlessness, ironic as that may seem....

I have found that the more over-blown the ego, the more unworthy-feeling the person is. They are using it as protective armor to try to cope with feeling so vulnerable, so icky.

When we humans perceive ourselves as unworthy of existing at the core, we often have a tendency to go either of two polar ways:

We either say, "Eff it! I give up trying to be any better when no one sees me as anything but a villain!" and we play out being evil to the hilt. 

Or we bend over backwards trying to please people through self-sacrifice and suffering and martyrdom in order to try to appear to be more perfect, more worthy of existing.

But there is another option where you shift perspective and look at our human facet as being the courageous Experiencer for our divinity of all of its own creations--whether they be good, bad, beautiful or ugly. That maybe we humans were created for a good purpose. 

I'm never at peace if I'm hating someone....

While I may hate someone's behavior, I find I have a tendency to look deeper. I know there is goodness at the heart of everyone no matter how evil they appear to me in a moment of human time. It may appear naive to do so, like I'm setting myself up to be betrayed; but I've come to the conclusion that if an individual does betray my trust in them then that responsibility lies with them. They have to live with that, not me. I choose to disconnect and move on with my own life. I know there is a gift for me in our exchange happening just as it did and the understanding of what it is will come to me, but I don't have to continue to interact with someone in an unpleasant situation. Love lets us all go....

From the first moment of our meeting I could feel my religious friend feeling uneasy with me. His wife had pursued a deeper friendship with me when she assumed I was a church-going Christian because a mutual friend of ours told her about my dad's twin brother being a missionary in Africa. My dad was the black sheep of the family as far as the whole church thing--we didn't belong to any church. His mother often said that the greatest hypocrites were often found in the front pews. We younger kids weren't even baptised nor did we attend any Bible studies. There were Christian principles influencing our behavior and we had a Bible and a children's version of its basic stories. Along with my mom's standard practice of "Don't be a gossip. And never judge another until you've walked a mile in his moccasins."

Anyway, my beloved friends of many years didn't ask about my faith or ideas, and frankly, I didn't feel safe sharing that with them, for good reason as it turns out. Ha! But I could feel him not knowing what to do with me. It has been my experience that individuals like this--often those who've sought solace in religion--have done something in their past that they deeply regret and don't have any hope of undoing. Kind of like ex-smokers and ex-drinkers being the most judgmental of all when it comes to those perceived vices. I could feel his own sense of unworthiness hiding behind a holier-than-thou behavior that seemed focused on what he perceived as the failings of others of lesser faith and understanding than his own. While I gave him every opportunity to feel safe with me and to treat me as an equal--he didn't--but that wasn't my problem....

I've finally realized after a lifetime of different reactions from different strangers that people generally either feel safe with me or if they're into power and playing in ego games, they feel threatened--because titles and hierarchy nonsense doesn't impress me. I generally don't go in trying to figure someone out or judge them upon first meeting. I let them reveal themselves to me if and as they choose....

I invite everyone to contemplate these ideas for themselves....

You're the sovereign creator of your own life--you decide what resonates and what doesn't. But as far as I'm concerned, we have a world in chaos where long-held imbalances are rising to the surface to be released--one of these being the tendency to point fingers at villains, keeping them in the role of "Bully" within our own minds and hearts instead of offering one another hope and reminding each other, "This villainous act you have going for me has given me wisdom in the only manner experience can provide. I've gained the understandings I wanted from this and now it's time to remind you, you're not really a wicked, evil being at the core--at the heart of you. You're a loving being who sacrificed remembering your true self in order to help me learn more about myself, ourselves.... "

Thank you for your service, and now wake up and remember the true you.... my beloved.... it's time.

There's more to come, but this seems to be enough for now. Part 2 will be coming shortly....

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Thank You For Royally Pissing Me Off

Thank You For Royally Pissing Me Off

 Thank you for royally pissing me off because I feel myself standing up inside myself and saying, "HELL NO!!! We are done playing this bullshit game! Get the fuck out of my head and presence if you can't treat me as an equal--I don't care who you are! You do not get to lecture me anymore! I KNOW who I am and what I'm about--and it's as benevolent and as loving as anything you'll ever experience outside of yourself."

.... You see, I know you played that pain-in-the-ass part for me so I'd get angry enough to quit suppressing myself.... so.... ultimately I'm grateful but I'm still highly pissed off at you right now....

Boom! I'm here!!! I'm present! I'm illuminated for my own life! 

There is no dimming of myself. No backing off anymore. There is no room left inside of me for tolerating any bullshit lectures from anyone or anything on how to be and what to do. I'm here, dammit!--deal with it!

It turns out that four-letter-worded anger helped me go beyond that self-suppression thing I had going for pretty much this entire lifetime.... and, I'm certain, for many others....

Yeah--I suppressed myself. A lot of it was because life for me was easier by keeping quiet. I don't like fighting and arguing. I don't like the feeling of people expressing disappointment in me. I have no need to be the center of everyone else's attention. I find other people patting me on the back kind of condescending and unnecessary.

At seven years old I found out my sense of humor wasn't always the same as my dad's, whom I adored. I had vomited while standing in the school lunch line with several high-schoolers I idolized. I was as embarrassed and mortified as all get out, but after sitting in my brothers' room hearing them and their friends share their funny stories, I found a way I might turn that whole debacle into a funny story of my own. We're all sitting around the long kitchen table having dinner--a midday meal--with our family and my brothers' friends when I have a lightbulb moment. I can feel myself grinning with anticipation of making the whole table roar with laughter. I grab my stomach and groan, "Ugh.... I think I'm going to throw up!" I'm looking out of my peripherals for that burst of laughter that never came. Instead, Dad says to me in that quiet, I mean business and I'm ashamed of you tone, "Pen, we don't talk that way at the table." I gave up trying to tell stories out loud and I quieted my mouth for fear of getting myself into trouble and disappointing my loved ones.

Never mind that it was at my own expense--heaven forbid I hurt anyone's feelings even if they were acting like judgmental dimwits at times. I dimmed my own bulb so as to be more pleasing, more acceptable to others. It turns out they never really actually cared what was going on with me--life for them was all about them, and that's not a selfish thing at all. We humans each have our own uniquely created realities. There is a voice and an awareness and perception within every single one of us that no one but oneself can access. We are each meant to be the sovereign master creator of our own lives/realities by accessing and including our own divine facet into our body of consciousness--body, mind, spirit, gnost. Into whatever form, if any, that we might take.

From childhood on I learned from parents, siblings, preachers, teachers, friends--and even ascended masters later on--that I needed to monitor myself. 

Yes, I heard from an ascended master, "That's no way to be--that's just wrong." And this past weekend I paid for getting a too long-winded finger-wagging about using AI that I did not deserve. I have every intention of utilizing AI to create and communicate in my grandest, most-loving way. I even did so a few months back--but there were glitches and artifacts that frustrated me. And there's a learning curve on prompting for me. Plus, I can only stand being on the computer for so long.

Yeah, it ticked me off especially after just getting a text from a long-time friend who was disrespectful of me enough that I finally stood up for myself and disconnected the friendship a couple months ago. The friend wanted to know if I was feeling better and to say that they were so surprised by my reaction to their belittling of me and my life and my own personal relationship with my own divinity. There was absolutely no apology--not that I expected to get one. There was simply the statement, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Yeah--that pissed me off.

So I had all this clanging around in my head during that last part of the shoud, thinking, "Here we go again--I'm going to be leaving this group that I love again! I feel so angry, so conflicted--but so damned pissed off I don't think there is any coming back from this one this time!"

I wrote most of this a few days ago just to get it out, to get some clarity.... and.... clarity and freedom from suppressing myself has finally come. I wasn't sure I was going to post this at first. Sometimes I write stuff in order to purge it but I feel it's important to let this side of me be seen without apology....

There is more to come but I had to let myself feel all of this through without monitoring myself, trying to figure out how I was wrong in the whole thing and how to make myself fit in better. I was never meant to fit in fully or to follow.... Nor were any of you....

Feeling Backed-Into-a-Corner Desperate? There's a Way Out For Absolutely Everyone

Have you done and said things you wish with all your heart and soul that you'd never done and said? Especially dark and harmful things? Well, my beloveds, there is Good News for you! There is a way out. Close your eyes, take a few good deep-down breaths into your heart, your diaphragm, your toes, and into the real you--your Divinity, your very own Soul....

Wake up, my beloved, from your nightmare....

You're just dreaming and in a dreamscape that feels so real, so solid that you believe it's you and that it's all there is to you.... but you are, every single human is SO MUCH MORE! Just as it is with all your other nighttime terrors--wake up and let it go.... Step out of the rollercoaster car.... That isn't who you really are.... and.... it's never too late!

Hit the "Delete" key if you don't like the direction or the outcome of your story. 

Select something new from all that wisdom you have gained from that old story. It may be a slight alteration in direction or a 180 degree shift--whatever works for you.

We all have a Divine and Eternal origin, and in joy of its awareness of existence, that divinity of each individual has been on an exploration of its own library of potentials, discovering who and what it is, and how this library of energetic potentials works for each of us. 

The HUMAN EXPERIENCE is the most sensual, grounded, gritty, real-feeling dream of all dreams. We create and get to immerse into experiencing our own creations! Just, WOW! Our feet touch the ground, the winds reverberate in our ears, our skin tingles with awareness and touch, our hearts pump, our eyes not only see, but they connect us with others--and we laugh, smile, cry, feel grief, pain and joy. We create music and art and we dance. We know love--the real pure kind that has ultimate compassion and wisdom and is completely unconditional. This human dreamscape is so real we even get to experience getting stuck, feeling lost and alone, with no way out. But, you can and will wake up from it--and it will happen NATURALLY when you're ready.... 

What a GIFT this human dream is! What a gift YOU are, I don't care how dark or horrendous you believe yourself to be at times.... that isn't the real you, the fullness of you. It's just  a tiny droplet of you exploring potentials to experience--none of them is set in stone. Let it go. Wake up from your night terror--that is not the real you. It's all just a dream and it can change in an instant--but only if YOU LET IT.... 

But don't just take my word for it. Close your eyes, take some good deep breaths to quiet your mind so you can access your heart in the quiet. Your soul is right there within you waiting to be invited in by you to have a relationship with it. It will not force itself on you. Ask for its perspective and allow it to dance with you in this human dream--and watch as the terrors disperse into nothingness.

YOU ARE SO LOVING and COURAGEOUS, beloved human, and SO LOVED!

All is truly well in all of Creation! This is just a dream....

Share Your Own Stories--They Are a Gift

 

A Den of Vipers

I am not a lover of snakes or most reptiles. They give me the heebie-jeebies. Many of my worst nightmares had me landing in a pit of snakes or being chased by them.

Recently I found myself in the human equivalent of a den of snakes and it wasn't pleasant. The thing with snakes though (I grew up in rattlesnake country) is that they really aren't wicked and evil at heart. They're just reacting out of fear. They'll strike out at anything that approaches them--blindly. It's just a survival instinct....

And.... that's the same thing I found with these beloved human friends of mine.... Their religious belief system had taught them that the human heart was wicked, and there I was sharing my stories of my own experiences and conversations with "god" (actually, my own divine soul within me--but I knew they weren't ready to hear that!). I was telling them about reading one of their bible scriptures years ago that said to not study the literal word of the bible, but to explore it with one's own heart as a guide. To go within, have some inner reflection time. Boy, did I hit a nerve with that one!

I was firmly put in my place, because HE had read and studied the bible many times over and insisted that he had never read that, ever! I was treated to this scorn in front of their kids, whom I adore. He was showing off to them.

Their Holy Bible was the literal and end-all actual Word of God. Jesus was the one and only son of Him, and no matter how much I loved Yeshua/Jesus--if I didn't accept him as my savior then I--their friend who I KNEW they loved--was destined for an eternal hell. According to them it was justly deemed so by their wrathful and judgmental version of god. We lowly, icky humans couldn't possibly understand--nor were ever meant to--such a god's reasons and ways. Even if it didn't resonate with your heart (which was "wicked" to begin with) and seemed pretty cruel--you just don't question god. That, too, is a sin--you wicked bastards, you humans!

Oh, that's a heavy burden.... I'd be dead by now if I was hauling that around. He had a heart attack a couple years back and experienced another heart episode just recently. I now see it as his heart trying to open up, but his mind/ego putting on the brakes.

Now, I had not gone into their home with any agenda that evening. I never have. I knew that this is what they believed and practiced, and I honored them their free choice and sovereignty--their own paths. I recognized the contributing beauty of them. Somehow though, this time I found myself in the middle of this exchange as I shared some of my most profound and enlightening stories of my own experiences and personal realizations--the ones I shared on my blog: The Benevolent Rebel. They'd been curious about us, so I opened wide, made myself vulnerable, reiterating that I wasn't out to proselytize or convince them that they were all wrong and I was right. These were just MY STORIES, and they each had their own unique stories, and I celebrated them exactly where they were in them. But the human mind trap--purely as a survival instinct--had them striking out at me. My hands were shaking--I blamed it on the coffee, but it was their reaction to me sharing myself with them. It hurt.... and.... I'm just fine.... I survived it intact (rolling my eyes a bit and having a good laugh at myself now).

My husband and I did not sleep well that night. What the hell happened? How did we get ourselves into that? We had a fun time playing games with the family afterward, hugged and shook hands with one another when we left but I had this awful aftertaste. I was rattled and found myself no longer wanting to interact with them. To disconnect for a while. If they wanted to see me again, then it was up to them.... I wasn't going to subject myself to that again. Love sets boundaries as well as letting go. I had given them a safe and sacred space to be--a sanctuary--but they didn't reciprocate that with me. They had to be right, no matter the cost....

"Forgive them--they know not what they do."

I felt like I'd been attacked--piled upon by jackals and ripped to shreds by someone who had no awareness of doing that with me.

For those who have read any of my stories you'll understand that forgiveness, for me, was a steppingstone to having sincere gratitude for all parts played just for me. And so it is with this story of mine.

“Penny, what was the gift for you in this experience?”

I put it here--this highly unpleasant conflict of an experience--so what benefit did I get from it?

I had my own stories, and I shared them out loud with a joy and passion that I really only saved for my blog or with people that I felt safe with in the moment. Not with people I KNEW wouldn't accept my perspective with open arms. My beloved friends were reading and quoting bible verses at me left, right and center and I simply accepted them, let it flow on by me--15 years I made a safe space for them. When someone quotes stuff at me that they haven't experienced for themselves it pretty much sounds and feels like a boring, mono-toned teacher just passing along "facts" that he doesn't even feel excited about. Blah, blah, blah. Static, static, static--simply an irritating frequency.

After this night, I realized I'd never heard them share their own personal stories of realizations in all the years of our friendship. The focus was on the faults and idiosyncrasies of others and following THE rules, bible studies, and church. Their god was mean and judgmental--and so were they without realizing it. They accused me of creating a god for myself instead of accepting the "real" thing. They didn't see what I saw: They were being just like the kind of god they worshipped, which is what humans do....

The only time I saw them excited was when they got onto the subjects of eternal hell and damnation, evil, Satan, the wickedness of humans, the wrongness of Eve. The woman, the Feminine, was a subordinate in their view, instead of being an equal, but importantly different, partner to the Masculine. I've observed people caught up in this dogma and doctrine get a glint in their eye when they discuss these things. They're feeding off the drama and trauma surrounding these suggestions that they've made their truth. They like it! And you can argue yourself blue over the right or wrong interpretation or the "correct" bible with them, but you end up convincing no one of anything.

But stories--I realized that they didn't argue with my stories of my experiences--they couldn't! I suppose they could have written me off as a crazy loon and probably did--but if they're like me, nothing sticks with you like a story....

My beloved humans--share your stories. You and your experiences and your realizations are so much more of a gift than you can possibly realize! Forget the quoting crap unless it connects into your experience. Share your gift of what it's like being an imperfect human so you can see and feel for yourself what a true and unique gem you are--always, in ALL YOUR WAYS.

And I'm here--a lover of stories--ready to listen and celebrate and laugh with each and every one! Rejoice in the gift of this life on Earth and what we've discovered from it, story by story.... heart by heart....

Share your own good news!