Thank You For Royally Pissing Me Off

 Thank you for royally pissing me off because I feel myself standing up inside myself and saying, "HELL NO!!! We are done playing this bullshit game! Get the fuck out of my head and presence if you can't treat me as an equal--I don't care who you are! You do not get to lecture me anymore! I KNOW who I am and what I'm about--and it's as benevolent and as loving as anything you'll ever experience outside of yourself."

.... You see, I know you played that pain-in-the-ass part for me so I'd get angry enough to quit suppressing myself.... so.... ultimately I'm grateful but I'm still highly pissed off at you right now....

Boom! I'm here!!! I'm present! I'm illuminated for my own life! 

There is no dimming of myself. No backing off anymore. There is no room left inside of me for tolerating any bullshit lectures from anyone or anything on how to be and what to do. I'm here, dammit!--deal with it!

It turns out that four-letter-worded anger helped me go beyond that self-suppression thing I had going for pretty much this entire lifetime.... and, I'm certain, for many others....

Yeah--I suppressed myself. A lot of it was because life for me was easier by keeping quiet. I don't like fighting and arguing. I don't like the feeling of people expressing disappointment in me. I have no need to be the center of everyone else's attention. I find other people patting me on the back kind of condescending and unnecessary.

At seven years old I found out my sense of humor wasn't always the same as my dad's, whom I adored. I had vomited while standing in the school lunch line with several high-schoolers I idolized. I was as embarrassed and mortified as all get out, but after sitting in my brothers' room hearing them and their friends share their funny stories, I found a way I might turn that whole debacle into a funny story of my own. We're all sitting around the long kitchen table having dinner--a midday meal--with our family and my brothers' friends when I have a lightbulb moment. I can feel myself grinning with anticipation of making the whole table roar with laughter. I grab my stomach and groan, "Ugh.... I think I'm going to throw up!" I'm looking out of my peripherals for that burst of laughter that never came. Instead, Dad says to me in that quiet, I mean business and I'm ashamed of you tone, "Pen, we don't talk that way at the table." I gave up trying to tell stories out loud and I quieted my mouth for fear of getting myself into trouble and disappointing my loved ones.

Never mind that it was at my own expense--heaven forbid I hurt anyone's feelings even if they were acting like judgmental dimwits at times. I dimmed my own bulb so as to be more pleasing, more acceptable to others. It turns out they never really actually cared what was going on with me--life for them was all about them, and that's not a selfish thing at all. We humans each have our own uniquely created realities. There is a voice and an awareness and perception within every single one of us that no one but oneself can access. We are each meant to be the sovereign master creator of our own lives/realities by accessing and including our own divine facet into our body of consciousness--body, mind, spirit, gnost. Into whatever form, if any, that we might take.

From childhood on I learned from parents, siblings, preachers, teachers, friends--and even ascended masters later on--that I needed to monitor myself. 

Yes, I heard from an ascended master, "That's no way to be--that's just wrong." And this past weekend I paid for getting a too long-winded finger-wagging about using AI that I did not deserve. I have every intention of utilizing AI to create and communicate in my grandest, most-loving way. I even did so a few months back--but there were glitches and artifacts that frustrated me. And there's a learning curve on prompting for me. Plus, I can only stand being on the computer for so long.

Yeah, it ticked me off especially after just getting a text from a long-time friend who was disrespectful of me enough that I finally stood up for myself and disconnected the friendship a couple months ago. The friend wanted to know if I was feeling better and to say that they were so surprised by my reaction to their belittling of me and my life and my own personal relationship with my own divinity. There was absolutely no apology--not that I expected to get one. There was simply the statement, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Yeah--that pissed me off.

So I had all this clanging around in my head during that last part of the shoud, thinking, "Here we go again--I'm going to be leaving this group that I love again! I feel so angry, so conflicted--but so damned pissed off I don't think there is any coming back from this one this time!"

I wrote most of this a few days ago just to get it out, to get some clarity.... and.... clarity and freedom from suppressing myself has finally come. I wasn't sure I was going to post this at first. Sometimes I write stuff in order to purge it but I feel it's important to let this side of me be seen without apology....

There is more to come but I had to let myself feel all of this through without monitoring myself, trying to figure out how I was wrong in the whole thing and how to make myself fit in better. I was never meant to fit in fully or to follow.... Nor were any of you....

Feeling Backed-Into-a-Corner Desperate? There's a Way Out For Absolutely Everyone

Have you done and said things you wish with all your heart and soul that you'd never done and said? Especially dark and harmful things? Well, my beloveds, there is Good News for you! There is a way out. Close your eyes, take a few good deep-down breaths into your heart, your diaphragm, your toes, and into the real you--your Divinity, your very own Soul....

Wake up, my beloved, from your nightmare....

You're just dreaming and in a dreamscape that feels so real, so solid that you believe it's you and that it's all there is to you.... but you are, every single human is SO MUCH MORE! Just as it is with all your other nighttime terrors--wake up and let it go.... Step out of the rollercoaster car.... That isn't who you really are.... and.... it's never too late!

Hit the "Delete" key if you don't like the direction or the outcome of your story. 

Select something new from all that wisdom you have gained from that old story. It may be a slight alteration in direction or a 180 degree shift--whatever works for you.

We all have a Divine and Eternal origin, and in joy of its awareness of existence, that divinity of each individual has been on an exploration of its own library of potentials, discovering who and what it is, and how this library of energetic potentials works for each of us. 

The HUMAN EXPERIENCE is the most sensual, grounded, gritty, real-feeling dream of all dreams. We create and get to immerse into experiencing our own creations! Just, WOW! Our feet touch the ground, the winds reverberate in our ears, our skin tingles with awareness and touch, our hearts pump, our eyes not only see, but they connect us with others--and we laugh, smile, cry, feel grief, pain and joy. We create music and art and we dance. We know love--the real pure kind that has ultimate compassion and wisdom and is completely unconditional. This human dreamscape is so real we even get to experience getting stuck, feeling lost and alone, with no way out. But, you can and will wake up from it--and it will happen NATURALLY when you're ready.... 

What a GIFT this human dream is! What a gift YOU are, I don't care how dark or horrendous you believe yourself to be at times.... that isn't the real you, the fullness of you. It's just  a tiny droplet of you exploring potentials to experience--none of them is set in stone. Let it go. Wake up from your night terror--that is not the real you. It's all just a dream and it can change in an instant--but only if YOU LET IT.... 

But don't just take my word for it. Close your eyes, take some good deep breaths to quiet your mind so you can access your heart in the quiet. Your soul is right there within you waiting to be invited in by you to have a relationship with it. It will not force itself on you. Ask for its perspective and allow it to dance with you in this human dream--and watch as the terrors disperse into nothingness.

YOU ARE SO LOVING and COURAGEOUS, beloved human, and SO LOVED!

All is truly well in all of Creation! This is just a dream....

Share Your Own Stories--They Are a Gift

 

A Den of Vipers

I am not a lover of snakes or most reptiles. They give me the heebie-jeebies. Many of my worst nightmares had me landing in a pit of snakes or being chased by them.

Recently I found myself in the human equivalent of a den of snakes and it wasn't pleasant. The thing with snakes though (I grew up in rattlesnake country) is that they really aren't' wicked and evil at heart. They're just reacting out of fear. They'll strike out at anything that approaches them--blindly. It's just a survival instinct....

And.... that's the same thing I found with these beloved human friends of mine.... Their religious belief system had taught them that the human heart was wicked, and there I was sharing my stories of my own experiences and conversations with "god" (actually, my own divine soul within me--but I knew they weren't ready to hear that!). I was telling them about reading one of their bible scriptures years ago that said to not study the literal word of the bible, but to explore it with one's own heart as a guide. To go within, have some inner reflection time. Boy, did I hit a nerve with that one!

I was firmly put in my place, because HE had read and studied the bible many times over and insisted that he had never read that, ever! I was treated to this scorn in front of their kids, whom I adore. He was showing off to them.

Their Holy Bible was the literal and end-all actual Word of God. Jesus was the one and only son of Him, and no matter how much I loved Yeshua/Jesus--if I didn't accept him as my savior then I--their friend who I KNEW they loved--was destined for an eternal hell. According to them it was justly deemed so by their wrathful and judgmental version of god. We lowly, icky humans couldn't possibly understand--nor were ever meant to--such a god's reasons and ways. Even if it didn't resonate with your heart (which was "wicked" to begin with) and seemed pretty cruel--you just don't question god. That, too, is a sin--you wicked bastards, you humans!

Oh, that's a heavy burden.... I'd be dead by now if I was hauling that around. He had a heart attack a couple years back and experienced another heart episode just recently. I now see it as his heart trying to open up, but his mind/ego putting on the brakes.

Now, I had not gone into their home with any agenda that evening. I never have. I knew that this is what they believed and practiced, and I honored them their free choice and sovereignty--their own paths. I recognized the contributing beauty of them. Somehow though, this time I found myself in the middle of this exchange as I shared some of my most profound and enlightening stories of my own experiences and personal realizations--the ones I shared on my blog: The Benevolent Rebel. They'd been curious about us, so I opened wide, made myself vulnerable, reiterating that I wasn't out to proselytize or convince them that they were all wrong and I was right. These were just MY STORIES, and they each had their own unique stories, and I celebrated them exactly where they were in them. But the human mind trap--purely as a survival instinct--had them striking out at me. My hands were shaking--I blamed it on the coffee, but it was their reaction to me sharing myself with them. It hurt.... and.... I'm just fine.... I survived it intact (rolling my eyes a bit and having a good laugh at myself now).

My husband and I did not sleep well that night. What the hell happened? How did we get ourselves into that? We had a fun time playing games with the family afterward, hugged and shook hands with one another when we left but I had this awful aftertaste. I was rattled and found myself no longer wanting to interact with them. To disconnect for a while. If they wanted to see me again, then it was up to them.... I wasn't going to subject myself to that again. Love sets boundaries as well as letting go. I had given them a safe and sacred space to be--a sanctuary--but they didn't reciprocate that with me. They had to be right, no matter the cost....

"Forgive them--they know not what they do."

I felt like I'd been attacked--piled upon by jackals and ripped to shreds by someone who had no awareness of doing that with me.

For those who have read any of my stories you'll understand that forgiveness, for me, was a steppingstone to having sincere gratitude for all parts played just for me. And so it is with this story of mine.

“Penny, what was the gift for you in this experience?”

I put it here--this highly unpleasant conflict of an experience--so what benefit did I get from it?

I had my own stories, and I shared them out loud with a joy and passion that I really only saved for my blog or with people that I felt safe with in the moment. Not with people I KNEW wouldn't accept my perspective with open arms. My beloved friends were reading and quoting bible verses at me left, right and center and I simply accepted them, let it flow on by me--15 years I made a safe space for them. When someone quotes stuff at me that they haven't experienced for themselves it pretty much sounds and feels like a boring, mono-toned teacher just passing along "facts" that he doesn't even feel excited about. Blah, blah, blah. Static, static, static--simply an irritating frequency.

After this night, I realized I'd never heard them share their own personal stories of realizations in all the years of our friendship. The focus was on the faults and idiosyncrasies of others and following THE rules, bible studies, and church. Their god was mean and judgmental--and so were they without realizing it. They accused me of creating a god for myself instead of accepting the "real" thing. They didn't see what I saw: They were being just like the kind of god they worshipped, which is what humans do....

The only time I saw them excited was when they got onto the subjects of eternal hell and damnation, evil, Satan, the wickedness of humans, the wrongness of Eve. The woman, the Feminine, was a subordinate in their view, instead of being an equal, but importantly different, partner to the Masculine. I've observed people caught up in this dogma and doctrine get a glint in their eye when they discuss these things. They're feeding off the drama and trauma surrounding these suggestions that they've made their truth. They like it! And you can argue yourself blue over the right or wrong interpretation or the "correct" bible with them, but you end up convincing no one of anything.

But stories--I realized that they didn't argue with my stories of my experiences--they couldn't! I suppose they could have written me off as a crazy loon and probably did--but if they're like me, nothing sticks with you like a story....

My beloved humans--share your stories. You and your experiences and your realizations are so much more of a gift than you can possibly realize! Forget the quoting crap unless it connects into your experience. Share your gift of what it's like being an imperfect human so you can see and feel for yourself what a true and unique gem you are--always, in ALL YOUR WAYS.

And I'm here--a lover of stories--ready to listen and celebrate and laugh with each and every one! Rejoice in the gift of this life on Earth and what we've discovered from it, story by story.... heart by heart....

Share your own good news!