When it comes to being loved, what am I radiating?

Words and an indifferent attitude can cut much deeper than any knife or physical weapon.

But because it's not a potential physical injury, I haven't been aware of putting up a protective shield around myself. And that protective barrier--that unconscious radiation from the creator of my own reality--has kept me stuck in attracting a love so distorted I can't even really call it love.

This has nothing to do with my mate or family or any other loved ones--not really. They are all just playing roles that I set up for them to play for me. They are my outer world energies in service to me by reflecting back to me what's going on within me, what I'm radiating out as my truth of the moment.

I am the sovereign creator of my own reality, and I am the only one who can truly change it--and thankfully so. Even though I released the karma on which our old relationships were based, it still runs the show until all of the old stories are distilled into wisdom and integrated into my soul. It takes time to become aware of your aspects, too numerous to even attempt to count.

All I ever wanted was to be loved just because I exist--to have someone really see and adore me as I see and love them--where they just can't help wanting to sweetly kiss me no matter where we are. Where they like to be with me because we love who and how we are when we're together.

I realize now that I've been attracting and standing in a pile of contrast when it came to love because the purchase order I've been radiating out to the energies that serve me has been "wanting" to be loved--and so that's what I've been getting. Wanting, wanting, wanting...and a whole lot of indifference and criticism.

And that judgment of failing at being the perfect human for someone else, their indifference, that feeling of being taken for granted has cut me to the core. It's been hell. It's been cruel. There is no safe feeling. I feel a deep sadness and my energies nose-dive and curl up into a ball.

I didn't want to have to tell the other person that this is what I want from them because it's icky to realize they are just "going through the motions" trying to appease me, the whiner. That conditional love is not what I desire. I choose to be loved unconditionally, spontaneously and whole-heartedly. The other is a just watered down human melodrama.

So, how do I change my experience, one that feels as though it's been going on for eons, not only for myself but for most of humanity?

I take a deep breath. I use my  secret "magic wand" gesture or say my secret magic word that I've come up with on my own, that I've practiced using over and over, that reminds me to open up my radiation and my field of energies. I drop my guard and protective barrier. I am the source and center, the creator of this, my reality--quit acting like I am a victim of my own creation!!! I open, open, open...

And I remember: I am okay. We are all okay. I AM loved! I always have been and always will be in all my ways-- first and foremost by Creator me!

Just stay relaxed and open...all is truly well in all of Creation.