The Word "Fight"

"I love people. And I look for a way of connecting with them no matter what level they are at. It doesn't matter."

Those are the wise words of a dear neighbor that I visited with recently. They resonated deeply with me. I imagine a world where we all seek to make a heartfelt connection with each other, rather than looking at someone (who just happens to be reflecting back an aspect of oneself) and trying to change them into something we want rather than looking deeply to see who they truly are. To see the gift they are to us being just as they are in that moment.

"Don't believe everything you hear on the TV news or read in the paper. They are owned by people with an agenda, and it's not necessarily for the welfare of anyone but themselves."

My dad told me this decades ago, and he predicted the riots we're seeing today. I was educated to read the daily news through a current events class we had in the eighth grade. The news was taught as supposedly being unbiased reporting--but there is no such thing. Not when every human discerns what is truth according to a unique perception based on one's own experiences and feelings about them.

The Internet has made it impossible to keep humans in the dark. Though, in many cases mainstream media, I see, is doing its darnedest with censoring to keep us riled up and acting out of fear and hatred. It sickens me, while at the same time I realize that anyone doing anything intentionally harmful is actually really harming themselves. 

Karma for the unawakened now hits faster and harder than ever before. I don't wish that kind of karmic balancing on anyone. I'd rather they realized who they truly are and decide to let go of playing with power. Karma disappears when you realize you're no longer interested in power and control, but rather freedom for all. But it's each person's free choice, and I thank them for all the parts they play for me. I just get clearer with who I am and what I am about through it all.

I see it happening on Facebook and Youtube and all the mainstream news media (local and national)--the censorship and twisted reporting that takes words spoken so out of context they don't even resemble what the person actually said. I clearly see attempts to sway humans into actions based in fear and the word fight, used in conjunction with pretty words like justice.

I have watched self-proclaimed environmentalists literally trash the land of my beloved North Dakota--with mountains of discarded waste--that they were supposedly protecting from a pipeline. 

And these recent riots? This is our homeland, and it's being turned into wasteland by its own people destroying the property and homes of their neighbors--human and animal--incited by power-players with an agenda. 

Step back and take a breather, feel into you.

Shut off the news, stay away from mobs full of angry, insane people. Those causes they are supposedly fighting for--well, they are just trying to get your adrenaline pumping so you do their dirty work for them. If someone's pointing a finger of blame, walk away from them. Put all color, gender, orientation, ethnicity, age aside--those are judgments. If someone is saying only one color or gender matters in their slogan, maybe you'll want to feel into that, because ALL life matters, doesn't it?

Go be alone with yourself so you can get clear about who you really are, so that when you interact with your earthly neighbors, you're coming from your highest self, and not the old lower consciousness of survival of the fittest. You'll feel better about yourself.

It's out of Love we All come, and it's unto Love we all return.

I am a lover, and I've had my fill of fighting nonsense. If I hear someone using fear to try to motivate me, I walk away. That's a false prophet. If I hear someone spewing hatred, I walk away. Their hatred has consumed them and they are momentarily insane. And watch for those trying to make you feel guilty and ashamed...

Be aware of what you're radiating as your truth:

The protective energetic bubble people have been taught in many modalities is now obsolete, and actually works adversely to the desired effect. You've placed a protective barrier in your own energy field that serves you specifically. And your responsive energies then manifest something you need to protect yourself from. Practice opening up your personal energy field--the more open you are, the less something can stick to your created reality, and it just flows on through and by without manifesting.

For years, I've felt myself cringe inside whenever I heard myself or someone else use the word "fight."

Close your eyes and feel into what it means to fight--with something (a disease like cancer, for example), for something (your freedom), or over something (like fighting over thoughts and deeds you think are WRONG)...

Do you feel your muscles brace? Does your heart beat faster, harder? Does your stomach drop, clamp, feel a bit nauseated? Do your fists clench? Or your jaw? How about your throat--a little tight? How about your head--does it pound? Does the mind chatter race? Do you feel your cheeks flush?

That's how I perceive the word. And when I hear it from another person now, I opt to walk away from the game they've chosen to play--the game of survival. I've played it enough.

 

Those FEELINGS that I pointed out above--that's the potently charged energy that I radiate out into my universe when I believe I'm in a FIGHT. I'm braced, the PROTECTIVE ARMOR is on, and my WEAPONS (words and deeds) are at the ready. And that unconditionally loving universe matches my radiations, vibration for vibration. And so it is!...I have something or someone come into my life experience to play "FIGHT" with.

How did I go beyond fighting?

1. I reminded myself to take a few conscious, down-into-my-lower ribcage breaths (that slows the heart and lowers the blood pressure, and the focus on the breath pulls the mind from its chatter). 

2. I reminded myself to TRUST MYSELF...and BREATHED some more...

3. I gave myself a SAFE, SACRED SPACE to FEEL into myself (sometimes it was a room, sometimes a walk with just me)...and BREATHED some more...

4. I reminded myself that ALL is WELL in ALL of CREATION (that this reality is just ILLUSION, a playground)--and told my mind to HUSH its reasonings and analysis--that we didn't have to try to "figure things out."...and I BREATHED some more...

5. I gave myself permission to write this blog--essentially ALLOWED myself to express myself HONESTLY to me, first of all, and later out loud to my world...And I BREATHED some more.

Yes, one could say I am a deep breather. Ha!

And then one day, I realized that I'm at ease inside of me--no more bracing, no more clenching, no more impending fights...I'm just naturally breathing here with a silly grin of appreciation on my face as I watch all us actors play out our parts together--as we ALL escort our planet and humanity through a change into a new level of conscious awareness. Truly, thank you for ALL parts played...because it's happening. 

Even though there are still some days like these when I feel a bit less tolerant of the fighting.

Much love, my dear humanity, my dear earth and all its gifts of life--we are so much more than all this fighting.

It's Out of Love We All Come...and...It's Unto Love We All Return

 

Apologize not for your own or for another's existence;

for it's out of Love we All come, and it's unto Love we All return.

I recently had a very dear friend from my childhood cross over. As an adult he'd played the role of compassionate friend, giving me a smile, a reassuring hug, a kind word in some of my darkest and hardest moments--those moments when it was hard to breathe, when life got really tough. He'd been through two heart surgeries, one of them several hours long, and after that he suffered from a depression so deep,..well...so deep that his second attempt at suicide was successful.

Ever since I realized that I was a dreamwalker when my dad crossed over, I find myself suddenly napping a couple hours during the day when someone who's touched my life dies. I'm so out of my body I can't move my limbs. It's something I learned was natural and that humans have been doing since ancient times. We walk alongside our loved ones--quietly, as a loving and clear, agenda-free presence--and escort them to the bridge of flowers that crosses to the other side of the veil.

But the dreamwalking didn't happen this time. Maybe I didn't allow it because it was a suicide, and I've been told to not try to attempt it with suicides. Being highly sensitive empathetically, it's a gamble when being with someone who FEELS so lost, so alone, so...desperate. It's too easy to feelingly get sucked into their vortex of pain, and find yourself crossed over, as well.

Maybe he didn't need an escort either. Maybe he wasn't lost at all and was okay and clearly enscounced within the love and celebration of those awaiting him on the other side. We could have even dreamwalked during his surgery...and I didn't necessarily have to have been his only dreamwalker. Dreamwalking is a natural human ability and it's more common than most humans realize. We just didn't have a word for it in our current culture until recently. 

I've heard he wasn't really even himself afterwards, something that is common with those having been under anesthesia so long. That seems to tell me that, like my brother, Steve, he was having difficulty staying embodied in human form. 

I've been at a loss then. What do I do? How do I help comfort those left behind? Myself included?

And what can I do from this side of the veil to support my dear friend? Maybe he doesn't need my help. Maybe he was in such a place of trust deep within that he wasn't afraid--that the depression he'd felt was a longing for the relief he'd experienced while under anesthesia. Maybe he'd had an out-of-body experience at some point during all those surgeries, and he'd experienced the release from the burdens of being human. This human journey is not for the faint of heart. I've heard it is much easier to let go and die than it is to be born into the confining limitations of the human body.

In the nineties I read the book, Embraced by the Light, by Betty Eadie, who told the story of her own near-death-experience. After checking on her loved ones and reviewing her life, she was told that she wasn't finished yet with that lifetime, that she had some things she needed to do. She had the final say, but her story needed to be shared, and she had to return in order to do that. I'm one of those who needed her back. I needed to hear her story, and this is why:

She was shown a line of angels standing at the ready for their incarnation into a human body. Every one of those humans-to-be was revered for their courage and bravery. If you'd taken on the human experience, though we might play the role of coward here, there really is no such thing from the other side's point of view of us. It takes a whole lot of faith, perseverence, guts and determination, love and sacrifice to play the human role. It takes forgetting who you really are, and getting stuck and limited in a biological body, when deep inside and in one's dreams you just know you can fly and that you're free--but all of that seems so elusive, impossible from this side of the veil.

And...Betty's decision to return was not an easy one. To tell her story to a world that could be harsh and judgmental about such things was not for the faint-of-heart. She spoke of having those moments of longing to return home to the other side, too. Times when she felt so alone, having those difficulties that come with simply being human.

As for suicide--I get it. Life can feel overwhelming at times if you're the least bit sensitive. And frankly, we humans are all sensitive, though some may have buried it deep as their means of a way of coping in this tough old world. 

I even set out to kill myself at one point in my life. My mom had passed, my dad was having a difficult time with it, I felt like a loser in my own marriage. I really never seemed to fit in this world; and one day I just thought it would make everyone else's life better if I was no longer here. I don't even remember what the last straw was. I just set out walking my way out of the city one cold and gloomy winter day. My plan was to just keep walking until I froze to death out in the middle of a field. I'd just disappear, and everyone would be better off for it.

But as I got to the outskirts of a neighboring suburb, I had the realization that doing this to myself was going to hurt my loved ones far more than if I stayed. I put myself in their shoes and felt into how they would feel if I followed through on my plan...and I turned around and returned to a husband waiting for me at the door, worried out of his mind. I was so cold.

I haven't shared that story with very many people who know me personally. It wasn't one of my brightest moments, and there was a bit of shame lingering there. Now, I look back, and I have a good laugh at myself because I absolutely hated being cold! Most of my life, I'd had cold hands and feet--and when those digits are cold, well you're just plain cold and miserable.

Later on I would learn of other empathetic people similar to me having started to attempt suicides, as well. My beloved humanity--we have these thoughts and feelings more often than any of us lets on, and maybe by sharing our stories with one another--by opening up--that which is hidden can be brought into the Light of Love and Gratitude for all parts played.

As for my beloved friend and classmate, I don't have a sense of him wandering lost in the Near Earth Realms. I don't feel a sense of depression in my own energies in relationship to it. It feels like he's okay. I'm sad for all his loved ones here (myself included at times) because of the loss of him and all that they'd been through leading up to his death, but I have a sense that maybe he--his consciousness--mostly left his biological body during that last long surgery. He was meant to exit at that time, but maybe there was a little something he had yet to do here on Earth. Maybe it was to open the door to the Christ light on this very subject of suicide.

The Old Testament story, The Book of Job, has been at the forefront of my mind ever since my mom crossed over in 2001. It's struck me as amusing that Job's (pronounced with a long "o") life story seems to reflect what a "job" it is to be human. The job of the human done out of love and sacrifice for the wisdom gained for its soul. Job lost over and over again in every aspect of his human life. He lost his wealth, his entire family and loved ones, his friends, his health. 

In the end, though, everything he had lost was restored to him...and I FEEL the GRATITUDE and LOVE for everyone and everything he NOW had--it's huge, it's awesome--because, once upon a time he lost it all...

Love lets go. When we love, we seem to open ourselves up to an inevitable loss, and yet we continue to love and care and appreciate and feel...and maybe it's important for me to remember that when our world is in such a state of crazy divisiveness. 

I am here for all of this, to walk through this momentous change in our world, and I am here to stay for quite awhile yet...but because I weighed my options of whether to stay or go (I've done so many times before and since that one walk of suicide), I'm clear with myself about staying, even when some days feel pretty tough. It's painful sometimes to watch humans fighting with themselves and each other...and then I tell myself to step back, observe, love and appreciate the acting jobs of all these amazing souls playing at being Little Humans.

In our last hours together, Dad showed me when he plopped that paper towel on his head and it flopped on either side of his head like dog ears, that it's important to laugh to lighten things up when things feel at their darkest and hardest. To not take it all or myself so seriously...it's just a job, after all.

My dear departed friend, thank you for lightening up the lives of me and my loved ones by helping us to laugh and to smile and feel okay. Thank you for those little moments of kindness you probably forgot. It all made the job so much easier. I miss you...and...I'm going with the idea that losing you will just help me appreciate you all the more when I see you again.

Invite Your Pain to Tell You Its Story

Pain has a story as its source and center. Listen and let it be told.

I am all about consciousness--being aware of myself and how I am creating what I'm experiencing. I don't do New Age or any other kind of religious rituals. I've simply known that I've always had within me all the answers needed to navigate my life, and that I didn't need special crystals, symbols, tinctures, gurus, doctors, medications, meditations, prayers, etc. to do it. I just had to get quiet, be open, allow and listen and feel...and accept full compassionate responsibility for my entire life.

There is no blaming anyone or anything. There is a whole lot of understanding of what it's been like to be a blind-to-who-I-am, all-alone, scared Little Human just trying to survive and get some semblance of control in a tough, often cruel world. None of us humans are born sinners.

We all need a soft and sacred space to land, to balance, to regroup. And...we are the best ones to practice kindness with oneself. When kindness starts at home, it naturally spreads into our world.

The gift of the story of pain: 

What am I feeling ashamed of, guilty about, angry or self-pity over? 

Am I feeling worthless? 

Do I doubt myself?

I am coming from the standpoint here of "If it's in my life, I put it here. It's serving me on some level. I'm getting some sort of benefit from it...and...I am the only one who can un-create it."

Every pain I've ever had has had a story to tell me. Many of them are shared throughout this blog. Often they were stories I was afraid to even look at, for fear I wouldn't look very good in them. I may have done something I felt was horribly wrong that I couldn't possibly make amends for and save face in, ever recover from.

I had to be open to letting all those horrible memories and thoughts be let loose--to feel it all.

Forgiveness--ultimately gratitude--comes from the Soul's perspective, not the Little Human. 

The temporal Human facet will find it difficult to forgive from its limited perspective. We each need our eternal divinity--our expanded I am that I am self--to have the grander, broader perspective in order to see any experience our human has as a gift to its soul. 

How do I find it? It's always within me--it's been here all along--I just had to remember I could tap into it. The warm and tinglies, the sense of gratitude for everyone and everything lets me know I'm hearing my soul's voice. It won't have me harming anyone or anything.

Stories--not boring textbook facts and details--help me understand with compassionate wisdom all my experiences.

Leave the smart phones and computers for a bit. Go for walks in nature. Be with your pets, but not other humans. Take a bath, sit on the toilet, lie down and close your eyes, wash dishes by hand. Do whatever it takes to put yourself at ease and give yourself a safe space for a few minutes. 

Take a few deep breaths: Inhale through your nose and draw the breath in down to your diaphragm beneath your lower ribs to the count of 4. Hold each breath there for 4 counts. And then exhale to the count of 8 through your mouth.

Feel into your body. If you feel any sort of pain, take a deep breath, OPEN yourself up, and boldly follow the pain to its source and center. Take another breath and ALLOW yourself to experience the pain fully: Is it sharp and piercing? Is it dull and throbbing? Just dive in and feel it!

If you're willing to feel it through, the pain you experience will tell you its story of something you're hanging onto that is no longer needed in your life. You can let it go. Go ahead and sob and cry, and remember to hold and comfort yourself--be the best unconditionally loving friend you can be to yourself.

Remember that no matter how bizarre we may have acted at some point, we all are just doing the best we know how in any moment...

and sometimes we are overwhelmed-with-it-all Little Humans just trying to be, and be okay with ourselves.

We have a tendency to focus only on the negative aspects of the baggage we haul around, but when I've allowed the pain of those once shameful moments to tell its story, there was always so much more going on than that little slice. Allowing the story to be expressed is inviting my soul's perspective to come through.

There really is no right or wrong healing modality--it all depends on how YOU feel about it.

When I allow the pain I experience to tell me its story, sometimes I'm released from it instantly, sometimes not. I may have it for awhile, depending on how it's serving me in my life. Sometimes pain allows me a kind means of staying out of a situation.

I'm not completely adverse to using some sort of pain remedy for a temporary time, especially if it's so intense I feel crazed and can't seem to even take a proper breath to begin to center myself. I've learned that if something like a bit of advice or a type of homeopathic, alternative, or modern medicine or therapy is readily at hand--to consider it, feel into it, and use it if it resonates with me to do so. 

As for mood-altering substances, prescription or otherwise, I've just never cared to even mess with most of them. Though, I do enjoy a glass of wine or alcohol once in a while, but getting a buzz hasn't been my goal. People who have used such substances to control their emotions appear flat-lined emotionally, slurry-worded, zombie-like to me. I feel an energy drop when I am around them. They are not present. It feels like they are wasting their gift of life, trying to escape from themselves. I don't even care to interact with them anymore. Not at this stage of my life. We all have too much going for us--it's just a matter of perspective about your stories.

Related Posts:

When In Pain, Just Breathe This is the story about how I discovered this gem of a tool to use and release the pain from my energy body.

FEELING Pain Through and Out

Our Distorted Reality Due to the Sexual Energy Virus

Both the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine exist in every individual, regardless of gender.

We all have two hemispheres of the brain. The left brain is logical and present and makes choices. It sees itself as a separate entity--as a human being. The right brain is intuitive and is connected to our "I exist" pure consciousness self. It knows itself to be Divinity.

The sexual energy virus affects both men and women--it's a LIMITATION of AWARENESS, and NO ONE IS TO BLAME.

How can you hold accountable someone who isn't aware of why they act and feel the way they do? They just act, sometimes even knowing that it's hurtful and not the solution. They're feeling stuck in an identity, a role they haven't realized they can leave simply by choice. They believe they are just a Little Human trying to survive in a tough world of competition.

The following is simply a fictional story to help understand the core conscious awareness that created our limited reality world:

The Feminine became the Best Friend Supporting Actress, instead of the Leading Lady.

The Divine Feminine blamed herself for a creation that went awry. There were all-out wars--external grabs for power--among her lost and alone-feeling angelic children as they tried to return home to the Eternal Source from whence they came. Their energy feeding and stealing almost brought Creation to a standstill--to a collapsing in upon itself. So she gave up her freedom to choose for herself and gave it to the Divine Masculine.

With that choice it manifested here on Earth as women having a 2nd class status. Woman became the weaker perceived sex--and she became passive and subjective to men. She let men make the decisions.

She feels and empathizes and nutures and supports. She's connected to the right side, the intuitive side, of the brain. She knows the importance of love. She's compassionate and loving--all-accepting--no matter what, especially with her family.

The Masculine kept looking outside of himself for love and acceptance.

The Divine Masculine then carried the weight of responsibility of making choices, not just for himself, but also for his Feminine partner. He's unaware of the importance of loving oneself first, instead of trying to gain the approval and respect of others.

He's in control--the Divine Feminine gave that to him when she made him the decision-maker for herself. This manifests as men being the ones to generally just take action, Men are movers and the shakers in this world--aggressive.

He feels strongly the burden of providing not just for himself, but for the women and children in his care. He sees them as his possessions. He feels they are reflections of himself--of his success or his failure.

He's connected to the logical, reasoning left hemisphere of the the brain and doesn't relate to that feeling stuff. He's dependent on his female partner to handle his feelings and emotions. He's not aware that he, too, has a feminine side of the brain to tap into--that he, too, can tap into feeling into what it's like to be in another's shoes.

He's passion unleashed without realizing right away what he's radiating because the woman is taking the hits for him--and when we keep picking up a child before he can fall, he never experiences the outcomes of his choices. They're watered down and distorted by the time they get back to him.

This is not how it's meant to be, for it's an imbalance in two equally important, yet different facets of Creation--Passion and Compassion.

The Dance of Passion and Compassion.

Passion is what consciousness radiates out, and compassion is the energies manifesting in service to that radiated passion. We each need to know what we're radiating and manifesting from that so that we can make clear choices for our created reality. We need to step out of each other's way and allow each other to experience his/her creations unadulterated.

Essentially, what's happening now is we're allowing the once "supportive woman behind every successful man" to step forward to into full and equal, though different, partnership. It's a win-win situation for all.

The abuse will become obsolete when each Victim stands free within herself enough to address her Abuser so, "Thank you for playing the part of abuser/betrayer because I discovered things in and about me I wasn't aware of before our Just Pretend Game. Now I've had enough of that old game. I'm setting clear Boundaries of Love--I'm done allowing you to abuse me. No more! Stop the abuse, or you're free to leave me--those are your choices." 

Moment by moment, the abuse will gradually, freely die out when each victim chooses to stop playing victim and instead play the role of sovereign master and creator of his/her own life.

I realized that the ultimate victimhood story ended for me when I put my foot down and decided that choices made by others need not affect me. I was done playing victim because of another's decision...after all, this is my personal world, my sovereignty, my domain.

...and so it is with you. You're free if you open up and allow it. 

Be the star of your own reality!

Passion and his beloved Compassion

glide a path together--

sometimes breaking apart,

sometimes framing the other, heart-to-heart--

waxing and waning

'round the floor of the Flagstone Terrace.

They dance through the annals of the ages,

the picture book that is my mind,

to the wildly whirling-twirling,

strangely peaceful dervish

that is my heart,

in rhythm to the song

that is my soul.

With love,

Words and Music by Penny Lewton Binek

The Passionate Narcissist and Its Compassionate Victim

On some level, we all seem to know that this is all just an act--a game of "Let's Pretend."

How many times have I asked someone about themselves, and I stand there listening to them blather on about this and that about themselves while my own inner conversation with them sounds like this: 

Ahem! What about me? Do you even care about what I'm thinking and feeling, or am I just a giant ear with lips that speak all the right responses that appear to make you the center of my attention? Actually, I can tell you don't care one whit about me except for whatever attention you can get from me...I know this because I'm doing the same thing with you. 

And I blab on and on with the best of them about my own life, and my cats' latest antics.

You and I do care about each other, but when I look at it honestly, I see my caring is to the extent of how whatever happens with you affects me. I hurt seeing someone else in pain, and I feel loss when they cross over. Road kill still makes me wince. I truly don't wish anyone harm--I am benevolent after all--so dark deeds and energy-feeding are not even an issue here. I wish you all the best and most joyful of lives. My point is about how politically correct it is to appear to care, when basically what's really happening is I'm wondering if I'm acting the role of "caring person" convincingly enough.

I know all this sounds cold and hard-hearted. My old parent-teacher-preacher tapes are recycling through my mind yelling at me that that's no way to be. You're being selfish and self-centered, Penny. But I didn't get to where I am--finally pretty okay with myself--without being honest with myself. Tip-toeing around, trying for some warped idea of perfection doesn't cut it. I've learned to temper it all with compassion. I always get to compassionate wisdom in the end of these runs. 

Lately I've been feeling irritated by what I realized was a narcissistic, self-involved-exclusion-to-all-else behavior in the people and world around me. I was ticked off--and that's putting it nicely. I was even experiencing it with my beloved cats--my absolute best friends.

And then I had a shift in perspective. Instead of playing Victim to the other party in these seemingly it's all about me and you don't matter, one-sided interactions, I asked myself, "What gift are you bearing me by being exactly the icky way you are? What aspect of myself are you reflecting back to me that I'm having such a struggle with?"

I hit the clarity jackpot with those questions. Of course, I was internally struggling with the narcissistic aspect of myself! Turns out, my soul is quite a bit of a narcissist, according to the human definition.

My soul--my pinpoint of awareness that I exist--is ETERNAL, and because of that, my divine self knows that no matter what I experience, I will always exist. My soul has no knowledge of consequences or cost. It loses nothing and constantly gains in wisdom and compassion through all its human experiences. It's simply passionately discovering all that I am, and in this Earthly reality, it's using a highly sensitive and feeling temporary human costume to do so. My human form is pretty much a robot--a means to an end--and when it's worn out, it's easily replaceable. My soul delights in me--its humanity--and celebrates me and all our excursions--but I finally now understand that it doesn't mourn me because it never loses me, not really.

"God doesn't love you."

So, my soul is basically a big ol' narcissist. It doesn't care about me or what happens to me. It didn't even love me in the beginning of all this, because it didn't know what love was or that it even existed until it was discovered through its human vehicle. Humans discovered love--this ability to care for and about others--to feel loss. The unconditional love a mother has for her child comes to mind. That old adage seems more profound now: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 

Humanity is the compassionate and loving dance partner of its passionate soul. We humans are the experiencers for our souls. We lay down our lives for the soul. Because of the extent to which we had to lower our vibration to take on a biological body, our human facets lost sight of our higher vibrational selves for awhile. We were like the bridegroom in the Song of Solomon, searching all over outside of ourselves for our elusive bride, that missing something, only to realize she was within and always with us through all our trials and joys.

"God loves you."

I remember at the tender age of nine overhearing my grandpa tell my beloved dad that he didn't care about him. Granted, that was all I heard so it probably was perceived on my part totally out of context--but it impacted me hard at the time because it colored how I saw my grandfather. Not in a good way either, because no one was going to say that about my dad and not feel the repercussions! I'm telling this particular anecdote because I realize that my limited awareness at the time equated "God" with being a man--a father figure--and it just went against everything I understood about God and his son and their supposedly loving relationship. Wasn't God supposed to love you unconditionally and care about what happened with you?

I know someone telling you, "God loves you," is supposed to make you feel better, but I've heard it in the midst of heated arguments being thrown out as a desperate means to get the last word in--and in such a way that says, "I don't love you, but there is someone or something else out there that does." It's a bit of a slam, if you ask me.

Frankly, I guess I don't need "God's love." 

The Passionate Narcissistic Soul vs. the Compassionate Empathetic and Loving Human Victim

Everyone and everything around me has been reflecting back this narcissist soul vs. its human victim conflict within me. I have felt this inner revulsion at the word narcissist for as long as I've known the meaning--but not because of it being a reality. I never liked hearing anyone being labelled a narcissist--it's a crappy thing to do to anyone. To me, it was slamming someone in one hell of a jail cell with no hope of growth beyond.

From  the standpoint of: If it's in my life, then I put it there, and I'm the only one that can un-create it--I need to be aware it's there and understand what benefit I'm getting from it being in my life.

Every time I incarnate into a human form, I'm sacrificing my human self to my soul's passionate desires. Most of the lifetimes, I've been unaware of this. I've experienced awful, painful, gritty and sensually traumatic acts--and committed some of those same acts against others. All for the joy of my soul's passionate quest to know thyself. Is it any wonder then that after so long and so many lifetimes of trying to simply survive in such a cruel environment that I might, as a human victim of it all, fall out of trust with myself--with my own soul?

So, all these years of deep and profound introspection, all these words written, have been about learning from the human standpoint, to truly love my own soul--to care about my own narcissistic self.

I am a Body of Consciousness: A Soul, a Human and Master (the Observer who distills all the wisdom from all the experiences). Instead of keeping them separate, I need to perceive it all as one. That way, I have it all...

I've come to the conclusion that I really don't need my soul to love me. It delights in me and accepts me without judgment. I'm celebrated at every turn, and I do know that my soul experiences gratitude for all its human has experienced for it. To the soul, there really is no such thing as forgiveness. Forgiveness is but a human stepping stone to the soul's eternal gratitude--a profound gratefulness for all parts played, whether right or seeming all wrong. Maybe, just maybe, we're now on the same page. 

As for this human facet? It's been put through the ringer lifetime after lifetime as the Experiencer for my soul. She's felt so separate--so alone. It feels like it's time to quit trying to monitor and control her. She's no sinner. She's a gift, and it's time I love my human self from that respect. She came in with a limited awareness of who and what she is. She's died and been reborn many times over. She's played the good parts and the bad. She's been terrified and was just trying to survive and handle things the best she knew how. She's explored the heights and the depths of this thing called Love. Just like Job in The Old Testament, she's experienced loss of everyone and everything, over and over and over again.

Through it all, she blessed my soul with these amazing, sensual experiences of love and empathy, along with wisdom and compassion. And it's time for my soul and wisdom (Master) to step up and not let her feel so alone and like such a loser. It's time for me, the human capable of it, to love all of human me...truly.

Who'd a thunk it? I am a narcissist...and I'm okay with that...I'm actually chuckling at a the very idea of it...because, hey, I'm a compassionately loving human, too, discovering what it's like to fall in love...with me...

and ALL that I am!

How old are you?

Life in Cocoonville

Adamus Saint-Germain is the first one I heard use the term "Cocoonville," and it made me smile, so I am borrowing it.

It feels like I've been in Cocoonville for an awful long time. The caterpillar doesn't get any prettier or healthier looking as she heads into town. She dies off, cell by old cell, and turns into a mush that only resembles a squashed caterpillar.

One of my greatest conundrums, therefore, my greatest struggle has been maintaining my own truth that we don't have to age and get old among a mass consciousness of humans terrified of growing old in health and looks, yet fiercely hanging onto "this is what happens to your body and mind when you reach this age, and that age--everything sags, bags, wrinkles, fades and falls apart...and then you die."

And they want to preserve all that decay in a coffin after they've died. Some of those coffins buried in the ground are more expensive than their wardrobe when they lived. What's the point?

I've observed us humans acting out and manifesting in our bodies what we believe and perceive as appropriate to the number of years we've been here, but I don't really connect with that idea. My mom didn't either. I remember her laughingly commenting that all the younger people in her life were catching up to her.

When someone asks me the question, "How old are you?" I've usually just given them the short version they are expecting...and...inside I've got a whole other version that is more accurately my truth of the moment:

"I've had 56 years worth of experiences as Penny.

My experiences do NOT define me or make me who and how I am:

They are simply experiences I've had in human form for the wisdom, benefit, joy and love of my Soul.

I am that I am. I exist."

And that's all, folks!

YOU are so much more than you realize!

You--yes, you reading this--are so much more than that Little Human character you're playing. You're not just an ordinary person, no matter whether you're a manual laborer of some sort or royalty or a celebrity or...even homeless or institutionalized. You are grandly extraordinary. You've just fallen asleep so deeply into the human story and its multitudes of hypnotic overlays and systems that you've forgotten who you really are.

Yes, you play a limited human being...and...you are SO much more! You are unlimited divinity. You are a chip off the old block, the first Source. And from that parent you inherited all its qualities and creative abilities. You (not someone or something outside of you) are the creator of everything you experience. You passionately create a circumstance, and then you dive in and experience it, joyfully gaining compassionate wisdom from everything--without judgment.

You have spiritual gifts--special awarenesses unique to you--that you may be using everyday and not realize you're doing it. You've probably been doing it all your life. It comes so naturally to you that you just assume everyone perceives things like you do. But your perceptions, like you, are the only of their kind.

When you sleep at night or take an afternoon nap, those dreams you are having is you traveling beyond time and space. Sometimes you leave your body to rest and rejuvenate while your energetic light body goes exploring and creating new realms. If you feel a sense of paralysis--can't move your limbs while asleep and can't wake up--it means you're having an out-of-body experience. You can choose at any moment to leave those dream dimensions and return here to this reality simply by choosing it--"I choose to return to (Your name here)." And so you are.

Every now and then someone comes into my life, and we share with each other our experiences of We Are More Than This Limited Little Human. It makes for such a fun interaction because I never know what to expect, and I come away from our visits so passionate and excited about being here in this world and manifesting the types of relationships and stories I desire to do so right now, in this gift of a lifetime that is mine.

The answers lie within you 
I found them here in me
How much more must we endure
Before we're ALL free?