Allowing Me in My Enlightenment

When I chose to awaken, I naively thought that it would make me exempt from losing any more loved ones to death. After all, I'd lost a boyfriend, and later, both of my parents. There were several others that died, but these were my closest relationships. After the experience with my dad, I truly thought I understood it all, therefore, no more deaths were needed for me, right? Even when Tobias told us Shaumbra that we were going to experience more losses--relationships ending, jobs ending, and deaths, I trembled inside, but still tried to convince myself that he was talking to all those other people. That it was totally unnecessary for me.

Then in 2010, my beloved Molly cat suffered a second stroke, and died several hours later that day. She had the first stroke about a year or so earlier. When that happened, she was unable to move for about twenty minutes one morning, and I kind of lost it, and told her not to do that to me--that I couldn't withstand losing her. We took her to the vet, though she was back to normal, and he said it was her thyroid, that he could remove it, or put her on medication. Thyroid diseases were the hot topic in mass consciousness at the time--even Oprah was sharing about her thyroid condition. I didn't want to put Molly through surgery--felt it was unnecessary--and no way was I going to force medicine down her throat every day. To me, that wasn't allowing her quality of life. When she was mauled by a dog 12 years earlier, it was a challenge to get her to swallow the medication for that short period. I just wasn't going to do that to her, no matter how much it cost me to lose her. And even then, I was still trying to convince myself that I was exempt from losing her, because I was awake enough. I was a spiritual lightworker, dammit!

I was spiritually bullshitting myself. Trying to mold myself into being how I mentally thought a spiritual self-master should be. Weren't they these people who were wise, gentle, mild, strong, composed all the time? Weren't we beyond having our feelings and emotions triggered? Didn't we have the perfect solution for every situation we faced?

Ahhh! Having all the answers...I've KNOWN deep down that I've always had them for myself, but what I hadn't realized is that my human mind keeps limiting them, diluting them, distorting them in an attempt to make the answer match its VERY LIMITED UNDERSTANDING of the soul's experience while in a human consciousness and form.

In other words, my human expectations of what spiritual enlightenment looked like and how it was, kept me closing down and limiting my experiences. I couldn't perceive and then consciously choose potentials that my limited human mind didn't even know were possibilities. I was trying to force myself to experience death differently than I had in the past, but all I was succeeding in doing was numbing myself down, emotion-wise (by trying to not grieve and cry so much), trying to grapple about and define how I should handle, and comport, myself with the subject of death. Trying to figure out how to over-ride death. My human mind was limiting me all the while it was trying to serve me. I was throwing myself against brick walls, trying to figure it all out--putting so much pressure on myself to perform, to prove to myself and others that I was truly enlightened, and that I had a handle on this death thing.

Two years later, I lost Molly's brother, my beloved Max. In the last few months, he started sleeping under the covers curled next to my husband, and then moving over to my pillow to purr in my ear for the next portion of the night. He was getting us prepared to say good-bye.

He had an episode one night in June. I honestly didn't know what to expect--whether he was going to miraculously get better or die. For three weeks, I struggled with trying to figure out how I was supposed to be as an awakened, enlightened being, while watching him be fully present, lovingly interacting with me one moment, then, the next, not-- he'd stare through me as if I was invisible and wouldn't respond to my voice. It helped a bit more in having heard Adamus say that we often leave our bodies weeks prior to our actual physical deaths, regardless of whether it's an "accident" or an illness--that we don't suffer pain, though our bodies go through the motions and may appear to be in pain. I wasn't beating up on myself as much with Max as I had with Molly by trying to figure out where I went wrong in caring for him. I had compassionately finally realized that I'd done the best I knew how with both--and that it was cruel to dwell on thinking I'd screwed up.

I let him be outside on his own all day, while checking on him now and then--trying to not to hover too much and force my will on him, yet loving him, touching him, and thanking him for our time together. We allowed him to stay out all night when he seemed close to the end, in an effort to let him go off and die in peace, on his own, as pets often do in those last moments. Only to come awake the next morning (not really having slept at all), to rush out to find him, my heart pounding in fear that he died, and breathing in relief to find him alive. This went on and on, with me trying to be what I thought was enlightened through the whole process.

He finally died in my husband's arms on the Fourth of July, 2012. I was outside, trying to just let go and trust that all was truly okay, trying to keep myself open to all kinds of possibilities, but without expectation of the outcome. I did know that he, like Molly, wasn't dying to punish or hurt me. I knew this was all to help me release myself from the beliefs humans have surrounding death, aging, and dying--but that didn't mean it was without heartache and pain in my experience. When Max had taken his last breath, Kel said he just seemed to glow, and that he was so beautiful that he had to bring him out to show me, where I sat in the moonlight, on the bench where Max loved to lay, under the silver maple tree--and he truly was beautiful...but it was still Good-bye...

Some people may be rolling their eyes, thinking, "For God's sake, Penny--all this silly, foolish angst over an animal. That's not like losing a human child, partner, parent, etc. Get over it!"

I've always loved animals, and when I was a kid, our pets were my best friends. They, cats and dogs all together, walked the pastures with me. One dog, Charlie, when he was no longer able to physically walk that distance with me, actually sat up on the hillside watching and waiting for me to return. They sat beside me to watch the sun set. They listened adoringly while I sang to them--Born Free, One Tin Soldier, Billy-Don't Be a Hero, Tapestry...When I was down, they comforted me and did everything they could to make me laugh and lighten up--and they always succeeded, if only for a moment. I actually mattered to them.

According to Tobias (crimsoncircle.com), our pets came into being, an extension of oneself, specifically to support the humans with whom they identify--they were created to remind us humans, who felt so lost and far from Home/Heaven, that we are, in fact, never alone--and that Home is wherever we each are. Heaven is right here, in me, right there, in you...

Tobias said that when our pets die, we should go wherever there were babies (species didn't have to be the same), and the ones we'd lost would be reincarnated--we'd see it in their eyes.

I knew Max and Molly came to be with us specifically--I'd read it in their eyes. Molly, a gold and white tabby, was the first one we saw, and, when Kelly picked her up she lay back in his hand and cuddled under his chin like it was her place to be. Max actually disappeared when my sister went to claim him from the litter. He was the only black and white short-hair, the one she planned to take home, but he was nowhere to be found, so she chose another. When I went looking for the kittens that were left that the mother kept moving around, Max, gazing steadfastly into my eyes, was the lead kitten emerging from their mother's hiding place. He'd been waiting for me.

Kel and I had planned to get just one cat as our first pet together, but we couldn't decide between Max and Molly, so that morning on the drive to Mom and Dad's place to get them, we agreed to take home the first one we saw. The first ones we saw were Max and Molly, sitting side-by-side in a cinder block. We took it as a sign to take them both--and I'm SO GLAD we did!

So, my pets are not just animals--and I am not their master. We're best friends and we're family. Letting go of them was like letting go of myself--because I actually was letting go of a part of me...that's what love does. It lets go of all control over its creations. Love releases them in total (not just a little bit as it suits me) freedom. Love gives life, and sets it free--releases it from all expectation.

And when you're a human stumbling around half-awake and immersed in a human mass consciousness that is very much dead asleep--well, you have no idea how to be enlightened. You want to be able to trust yourself enough to let go of those you so dearly love, but it's hard, it's confusing and frustrating, and it hurts, and it feels and looks like an effing hell of a mess! Deep down, in excruciatingly-fleeting glimpses, you KNOW, without a doubt, that this human experience is more and can be more than what one's experienced and perceived so far--but you've no idea how to bring it all about. So I resorted to spewing spiritual bullshit--mahkyo--in a desperate attempt to convince myself that I was getting somewhere with all of this. Even now, I realize that I had a goal "in mind"--a destination. I didn't "think" I even set goals anymore! I was still searching, whether I wanted to admit to it, or not.

You know the story of how the bridegroom in the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament wandered the streets searching for his bride? He searched and he searched and he searched, wandering the streets outside of himself--only to finally realize she was there with him, within him, all along. The searching outside kept him distracted, kept him from "seeing" a potential reality--one that was ACTUALLY as real as him losing his loved one. It's only when he quit searching for her that he discovered her.

In short, I feel completely powerless when it comes to losing others to death.

According to Adamus Saint-Germain, allowing oneself to be powerless and no longer trying to control an outcome is exactly what it means to allow enlightenment. He said,  "You CHOOSE to AWAKEN, and you ALLOW your ENLIGHTENMENT..."

For me, that finally meant that I FINALLY simply ALLOW myself to feel and act and react and fully immerse in, and experience, whatever happens in my life--without judging how I am. Without trying to monitor, analyze, control, and mold myself into acting and feeling how I THINK I should be. I just am--and that's okay.

I may be a bitch. I may roll my eyes at the crazy absurdities I observe in the world. I may laugh embarrassingly loud. I may try to crack a joke that no one else seems to get. I may get sick and sometimes have difficulty bending or walking, or experience any number of those myriad, often annoying, symptoms of awakening. I may burst into sobbing tears over some book I read. I may feel sad, even inconsolably bereft when a loved one dies. I may have relationships end. I may even physically die.

I may--much to my consternation--feel like, and act the part of the victim, the one role I've struggled for years not to be. I have, in fact, felt like a victim all the time, but like those priests who tried to deny their own sexuality, my victimhood, and their sexual appetites came out in spades.

I can feel totally POWERLESS, lose complete control over myself, or realize I never did have control--and, yet, still--I EXIST.

I've realized that NONE of us HUMANS could have committed the atrocities with one another that all of us have experienced and done to ourselves and each other in the past, UNLESS, deep-down within every single one of us was the profound KNOWINGNESS that the darknesses we explored and played in weren't permanent--that we were more than these stories and beliefs and identities we dabble in.

Some part in all of us KNEW we could NOT truly take the life of anyone. That those dark roles were just role-playing on all our parts--none of it was who we truly and fully are. Deep-down, every one of us KNOWS, without doubt, that ALL LIFE is ETERNAL, and that this experience on Earth, pretending to be limited human beings, is our chance to explore and discover this gift of life that we've all been given--that I Am , that You Are, on a SAFE and SACRED playground.

And with ALLOWING my own ENLIGHTENMENT--simply allowing myself to authentically be, and experience, without limiting it mentally--I've recognized that I'm most likely not going to harm anyone or fight anything anymore. I'm safe with me, and so are you.

Deep down, all of us KNOW that all is truly well in all of Creation...we're all okay, and I don't have to care about trying to save anyone or the world from all this experience.

 Aaah! I finally ALLOWED myself to say honestly, "I don't care!" That's SUCH A RELIEF to admit that--to let go of such a limited, and wildly inconsistent, human programmed belief about how I should be, and what I should care about. I'm done trying to figure out how to prioritize all the things I was taught I should care about. That was a hamster wheel effort going--that's right--nowhere! 

And lightning didn't strike me down for admitting I don't care. I love and I respect and I honor, but I don't care. I have hands-off compassion, but I don't care. And, imagine that!--I still exist. Even though my humanity wants to judge me as being so "bad and wrong" for not caring. My blind, all-alone humanity is yelling at me, "Pen, that's selfish! That's no way to be! Don't admit that (even though, we all know deep-down that it's true, and we're afraid admitting it means we're monsters)."

I don't care about Max and Molly because I KNOW they're okay--and by allowing that, I've felt myself truly finally set my loved ones free...I am no longer limiting them. That's what love is. That's what love does. TRUE LOVE LETS GO!

It finally really doesn't matter to me if no one else understands this or not. I still exist...and I really don't know what embodied enlightenment is going to look like or how it will feel...I don't care! Oh, the breath of freedom that comes with that ALLOWING of MYSELF!

I'm just ready for a new set of potential experiences not conceivable, much less, realized, before--I'm bored with the old traumas and dramas manifested out of those old limited Little Human beliefs and mind traps. I know there's more, and so does everyone else--and they'll all choose to awaken, however much, and allow their own enlightenment whenever they want...and always, ultimately--we're all okay...



P.S. On Friday, December 13, 2013--a little over a month after writing the above post--Max suddenly appeared in a dream during an afternoon nap. I knew, without a doubt, that it was definitely Max--alive and healthy--and I picked him up and carried him over to their food dishes to feed him. 

I grappled slightly trying to remember the story of how I'd lost him: Had he actually died? Or had he just wandered off for a long time?

I realized none of that mattered.

What mattered is that he was alive! And he had returned HOME to me! The past--our old story--had faded, all the pain disappearing with it. All I felt was joy and ease...everything was good...all was well in all of Creation. And I'm left truly feeling excited about being here on Earth now, having my ENLIGHTENED human experience...

Related Posts:
My Awakening
Forgive Yourself--We're All Just Role-Playing Together

Forgive Yourself: We're All Just Role-Playing Together

Forgive yourself--for everything that you feel ashamed of, guilty over. 

That wasn't the real you, and that wasn't the real me. 

Our human identities are merely costumes for a Divinity exploring and experiencing itself, and harvesting the gift of wisdom that only comes from pretending to be Human.

We were playing "Let's Pretend" there are good guys and there are bad guys in this grand, SAFE and SACRED, playground--the REALITY/ILLUSION called Earth--all of it done out of love and the desire to discover, to experience, to know thyself.

Several years ago, I awakened from a dream where a dark and shadowy being towered over me, accusing me by calling me, "Dark Lady." I can't recall any of the rest of the conversation, but I knew the title was fitting for some aspect in me, and I knew the entity was trying to feed off my feelings of guilt for a really dark and evil life-expression of my soul. In essence, the shadowy entity was an aspect of me, too--a reflection of how I'm monitoring and using guilt and shame to prevent myself from being a cruel and harmful human again. I'm certain that the Dark Lady did some of the most abominable things anyone could do to another--and I'm pretty certain she's a life expression that I used as a motivation for enlightenment and ascension in this lifetime. All of my life as Penny, I've carried deep feelings of guilt and shame, way out of proportion for anything I've ever done in this lifetime to warrant such self-condemnation and tight self-monitoring and control. I had a deep fear of harming anyone--even unintentionally--to the point I was paralyzed when it came to making even the simplest choice. It's also made me one of the most compassionately wise and accepting human beings you'll meet.

Ascended masters, Tobias and Adamus Saint Germain both warned that those of us going through the awakening into enlightenment would probably experience these psychic attacks, and that we could command them to leave--that's all we had to do--and they would have to leave. In the dream, I did exactly that. I commanded in a voice (this time there was NO SELF-DOUBT) that roared, "LEAVE NOW! I Command you to leave now!" And it did. I awoke confident and resolute in my choice to stay, and freely be, here on earth.

The Dark Lady aspect, through my simple self-forgiveness, is free to integrate into my BODY of CONSCIOUSNESS. I now think of all parts of myself integrating together as The Benevolent Rebel. 

However, integration doesn't happen instantly. The Dark Lady character first came into my awareness through that dream about a decade ago--and even though I was aware of her in me all this time--ten years later, I've realized her regret and sense of attonement, and self-monitoring have been still influencing the consciousness I have been radiating in my daily life as Penny. Instead of playing the Leading Lady, the source and center of my realities--I've been playing the Best Friend Supporting Actress to my entire creation. I've been compromising my own desired realities by supporting and protecting the stories of bits of plasma in the form of all the other actors in my play. I've been walking around apologizing for simply existing--as though my very breathing the air here is taking oxygen from someone more deserving. I have been playing the lowly servant role instead of acting as the central and sovereign master who can truly be of service to her creation by being an example that we can consciously create our own realities--a life that flows with ease and grace instead of suffering and sacrifice and guilt.

I even have been sporting a scar on my right cheek that, in looking back, surfaced about the time the Dark Lady dream happened. I didn't do anything in this lifetime to wound myself there. I had a boil appear in that area in high school, but it disappeared without leaving scar tissue. By feeling, intuiting into it--I felt it was a branding wound for witchcraft that was connected with the Dark Lady life expression. And I definitely see, it's been present in my current life as a reminder to myself to be aware that she is still influencing and skewing my desired manifestations. She's had me walking the part of the supportive best friend--apologetic and unstar-like in demeanor. And the energies, in complete service to me, have responded to that limited consciousness by continually manifesting a reality where I'm never the star in my show.

As happened with the Dark Lady, loved ones don't see me unless they want something from me. They are insensitive to me. I basically end up being betrayed by those I love the most--it doesn't matter if they are spiritual or biological family or friend or acquaintance or stranger. It hurts--but worse, I don't like feeling so angry with those I love. It's an awful feeling experience. I have a tendency to go to the broader, more enlightened viewpoint of seeing that they are just acting FOR me as a means of avoiding the expression of honest anger with someone I feel has betrayed me. I don't like feeling angry at a loved one who has played the part of hurting me. And that avoidance has kept me from honoring my own experience--because I've been afraid of my human self, knowing from the Dark Lady's lifetime how truly dark a human can go.

But the Human Being is just a Costume.

Those times each of us played the bad person--we dived into the character and immersed so whole-heartedly into the role, from the understanding of what motivated one to behave in such a manner--that we convinced everyone, including ourselves, that that's who we were--period. And because we played it so well, the "good person" in the play had the opportunity to experience his own shiningly beautiful light even more. What a gift! To be loved so much that someone was willing to risk one's own reputation and life-experience in order to let another experience the wonder and beauty of themselves. But it was all JUST AN ACT--on all our parts! Humans are just costumes!

SELF-FORGIVENESS is simply realizing, and embracing, that that wasn't REALLY me! I acted out a role. And with that realization, all the shackles of guilt, shame and misery are loosened and fall away.

This SELF-FORGIVENESS concept was perhaps the most challenging thing for me to completely grasp. It goes hand-in-hand with learning to unconditionally love oneself. If I can forgive and love all of me, I can forgive and love anyone and everyone else with ease.

The key, for me, has been to remember that this has all been a VERY LIMITED VERSION of REALITY being played out by blind, deeply asleep humans, unaware and unconscious of who we really are. In the past, I've called it a grand illusion. That perspective helped me perceive my reality as more transparent and flexible and flowing, rather than solid, concrete, immovable--STUCK. I felt safer to risk making choices then, especially "mistakes," in something less solid. But in a more expanded understanding of the truth, I realize it was real experience and wisdom gained. And there really is no such thing as a mistake--it's all simply experience.

In the outer world mirror around me that was ultimately reflecting the conflicted inner me, I'd hear sentiments like:

"I can forgive, but I can't--or won't--forget." This basically means, "I CHOOSE not to forgive."

"God forgives everything, BUT, I can't--or won't." This means the same as, "Some god out there separate from me is capable of doing what I simply CHOOSE not to do."

Some forgiving god "out there" is having way more fun than that human being.

As a result of choosing to not forgive, we find ourselves STUCK in a STORY, playing out a CHARACTER ROLE or IDENTITY that we believe is who we are--for the rest of our lives. And we walk around, limited and suffocated, with the weapons ready, the protective armor on and the guards erected, trying to convince ourselves that we still belong in this world, all the while feelingly believing that we don't deserve to even exist. If you CLOSE YOUR EYES, you can feel this inside of you.

Those above sentiments on forgiving are actually personal CHOICES. We can forgive--unconditionally and compassionately--but many choose not to, and our human minds back up that choice by using all kinds of reasons and justifications. If you really want out of the story, you'll find yourself having to tell your "justifying mind" to "SHUT UP!"

Unforgiving people are actually choosing to continue acting out stories that they often say they hate--regardless of whether they're playing the role of victim or perpetrator. Frankly, if I'm still playing in a story--even though I'm frustrated in it--I'm liking it on some level. And that's okay, too. We're all here to act out and experience stories together, after all.

As long as I understand that I'm choosing to pretend to role-play in any story, I'm never really going to be stuck in an identity again.

The important thing for me here, is to realize that I can simply CHOOSE to step out of the roles that don't feel like much fun for me, while still allowing and honoring the sovereignty of those who continue to play in that game--without judging them. 

Everyone outside of me can joyfully experience their realities, and I can enjoy mine without being affected by others' choices. It means my husband and family and loved ones can make choices that I can choose to not affect me. What they do, or how they are, doesn't have to reflect on me. I can rest, finally knowing, deep within, that we're all okay--no matter what transpires. That there is nothing I have to figure out how to fix in this world--IT'S A SAFE SPACE to EXPERIENCE and DISCOVER ONESELF while RELATING with OTHERS. And I don't need to feel guilty about anything, about stepping back and letting go of trying to control everyone and everything--including myself.

How do I step out of the story?

Unfinished business--ALLOW yourself to leave the story mid-way by allowing yourself to AUTHENTICALLY FEEL the experience through, without judging how you "think" you "should be."  

Self-Honesty--It's the compassionate thing to do. For me, that means ALLOWING myself to FEEL and EXPRESS anger at those who play my betrayers.

OBSERVE yourself acting...

A couple of weeks ago, I awakened in the morning from a dream feeling extremely frustrated and at odds:

I was in a classroom writing down my answer to a one-question essay assignment. The only problem was my handwriting was fading as quickly as I wrote the words down. Suddenly the teacher wanted our answers typed out. I searched all over the classroom, and eventually, the school, trying to find a typewriter that wasn't being used already. I never did find a machine, and to make matters worse, a couple more questions were added to the assignment. The story just worsened and grew more complex, the longer I stayed with it--nothing in it was resolved to my satisfaction or for simple peace of mind.

When Dad was dying, I spent a good portion of those last days, trying to help finish all his unfinished business and relationships and stories in order to help him make his death transition easier and more peaceful. All of us humans naturally want to bring our stories--and our character identities--to perfect happy endings.

And that has been a stumbling block for me in stepping over the threshold into living out my own recent embodied enlightenment as a self-master.

My dream made me aware that I've been trying to finish all the stories and relationships I co-created and played in in the past. I was trying to bring them all--my identity as Penny--to the "perfected human" ending. To finish all that old business I had going in order to transition into the new consciousness energy world. Just like my dad, Penny has been dying all along, too--some days, it even feels like I'm physically dying--because, ultimately, Penny was just a character role, too. She's a bit special, because it was in the lifetime role of Penny that I've experienced the integration of my spiritual divinity and all my other aspects and lifetimes with this one human incarnation. I not only lived out the ascension process (the awakening to self-awareness) on earth, but I also chose to then stay embodied (incarnate) as a self-master without actually having to physically die.

The dream made me aware of how my human mind wants to finish stories--become a perfect human specimen--but it also doesn't want me to die--or in this case, let go of my identity as Penny. And those two attitudes end up being at cross purposes with one another. I had all the answers, was writing them down with ease, but the more I tried to complete them according to the rules of my human mind (symbolized by the teacher's requirements), the more complicated and frustrating the assignment became for me. In order to "keep me alive," the assignment could never actually be finished--the story couldn't end. My human mind never wanted a resolution because "it thought" that would be the end, the destruction, of Penny.

I have a dream of every little community having a local theater for the performing arts--a place where everyone in the community, a mixture of all ages, can come together and consciously role-play. So we get more comfortable with immersing into a character role--AUTHENTICALLY FEELING our way through it WITHOUT JUDGING OURSELVES, and then switching out of it when we're ready to experience role-playing something else. I'd like everyone to have the opportunity to realize the joy of playing ALL kinds of PARTS together with SELF-FORGIVENESS, GRATITUDE, COMPASSION, CELEBRATION--and lots of LAUGHTER. Where everyone can someday realize that we've all just been role-playing together all along, and that our past experiences don't define us, or keep us stuck in a limited identity and genre.

We are ALL SO MUCH MORE than our pasts--and our pasts are SO MUCH MORE than we've understood.

These days I remind myself constantly of these four things:

1. It's all A FLEXIBLE HOLOGRAPHIC REALITY (my body included).

2. There is NO-thing I have to do or finish--or perfect.

3. BREATHE and ALLOW my consciousness (self-awareness) to OPEN and flow and mingle HARMONIOUSLY with all that is, within and without--without thought. Weapons down, armor off...

4. Be honest with myself about how I feel in the experience.

With releasing myself from the role of Penny, I find myself breathing so much more at ease, so much more at home in my own body than I ever was before. She never did die, she's just integrating into all that I am now...and I am much more at peace finally. The protective armor and all the barriers I PUT in around me to protect myself in what felt like a really tough and harsh world are, one-by-one, dropping away as I realize--become aware that they're there. Life, and my ability to co-create what I choose to experience, is simplified, so much more graceful. It's just a matter of re-minding myself to quit thinking, and to allow myself to receive it all with ease, and to flow it through by being HONEST about myself in the experience. All my old personal demons are being put to rest--with my own gratitude for ALL the parts I played...

Little One--come sing with me!
We have a song, a joyous melody.
Little One, come lift your heart in song--
Giving thanks for ALL parts played,
Whether right or seeming wrong!
Hear the thunder, hear the ROAR--
A celebration like we've never FELT before...

Little One--at last you're free!
Little One, come and dance with me.
It's all right, you've let your story be told,
And in the LIGHT of DAY, behold:
You're a WONDER!
Life's a GIFT!
A celebration of ALL THAT IS!
Though you stumble, though you fall--
When it all is said and done,
All there is IS LOVE!


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My Beloved Mirrors
The Blessing of My Dark Side
The Virtual Reality Game--A Grand Illusion
Good-bye Conspiracy Theories--Especially, Satan

We Are More Than the Choices We Make

We are more than the choices we make and the experiences that result from them.

Here's a life-expanding perspective on reality that I've been breathing and contemplating for some time:

"Just because a potential was experienced doesn't mean it's any more real than all of those potentials in The Field that haven't been experienced."

This means, for me, that one choice doesn't mean an all-or-nothing path--it means that there's no such thing as a wrong choice! 

A choice may not result in the consequences you expected or like. It doesn't mean you have to commit to that choice. Just keep making new choices and the path will adjust to that. It frees a person of a great deal of burden in decision-making, and it's helped me get past that body-bracing, choice-making paralysis from the fear of making a choice that harms anyone or anything. It's FREED me to express and to take ownership of my life. I breathe EASE instead of waiting for a shoe to fall on my head and squash me into oblivion.

My beloved friends, let go of the guilt from the belief that you've done wrong--it keeps you from living and enjoying the gift of life that you are. You can't have played "being human" without having had challenging experiences--painful experiences made more miserable simply because we've been asleep while appearing awake. We didn't know the choices we made didn't have to define us.

Many of us have been stuck in our tragedies and traumas for decades because we weren't aware of this concept. We are so much more than the limited identities we are currently living out.

Choose and write the stories of your lives, instead of letting the stories write you.

We are in a brand new consciousness energy world--with potentials feasible that we couldn't even imagine a few years ago. I'm excited to be a part of this grand shift!

Blessings,

Penny


P.S. What is the "right" CHOICE here:

A) You stay home to work and help your family bring in the harvest.
B) You go to the movie, a chick flick, called "Sixteen Candles," that your girlfriend invited you to go with her to see.

It turned out to be a life and death choice. He picked choice A because it was a humanly kind and noble thing to do, and I'm proud of him for that--but we experienced losing him to death as a result. And because I felt guilty for being momentarily angry at him for not picking my "stupid and silly" option (according to my mind afterwards), and then having him die on me while he was being such a noble and perfect person, it took me over a quarter of a century to REALIZE I HAD, IN FACT, PRESENTED HIM--all of us--WITH AN ALTERNATE DOORWAY.

Arlen was hit by a gray car at dusk, while simply crossing the highway on his motorcycle on his way home from swathing with his brother.

Beneath the actual events, many of us intuitively sensed something was going to happen. His mom called me a week earlier, worried because he hadn't arrived home yet from riding his motorcycle over to my brother's place. He asked me if we should break up for awhile so I could go back to college. We'd talked about how long-lived his family seemed to be. That night, I had gone with my cousin to Baker, MT, to go out with a friend of ours--and on the drive home, I wanted so badly to get home to him, not knowing he'd already died.

Choices ARE NOT cut and dried. And with this particular story, I'm still choosing new ways of looking at the experience that give me--and that 20-year-old young girl--the benefit of the doubt...and my Beloved Arlen likes what I've got going here.

Healing the Guilty Gossip in Me

"Worry not so much about what you put IN your mouth, but rather about what comes OUT of it." 

Okay, so I'll go ahead and eat a few more of those kettle-cooked potato chips dipped in sour cream...and we'll just kind of avoid that last part...

"Eeeeew! Ouch, Pen! Honey, do we REALLY have to go there? You're going to be the death of me. I've worked so damned hard and long to make you appear to be this PERFECT HUMAN SPECIMEN, who has all the right answers in every situation, who acts and reacts in all the right ways, Ms. "Embodied Self-Master"--and here you go, outing us, sharing one of our most awful secrets about yourself!"

The above little drama-queen moment comes to you compliments of my cringing-in-shame ego, the old all-alone-feeling, Little Insignificant Human.

I reply, "Hang in there, kid. Don't we both know by now that the best way to overcome a fear is to walk through it with honesty? And it's tough going, trying to stay on that wobbly pedestal, isn't it? So, let's dust off the musties and bring it out here into the Light. It stinks to high heaven in here. Don't worry, honey--we're all going to be okay...and I'm taking a huge pressure off your shoulders with this."

Yes, my friends, I have gossiped--way more than I'd like to admit.

One of the latest favorite approaches to try changing bad human behavior is to teach that there are absolute right choices, and there are absolute wrong choices--and you stand on a pedestal behind a podium (or share a rant on facebook), and you point your finger at others and chew them out for doing something you would surely never do. Or maybe you did do it, and regret it, and are trying to "help" others avoid the same "errors" in judgment. Whatever the justification, it's all just an attempt to manipulate those outside of you, in hopes of feeling more safe and secure in a world you really can't control.

I have certainly done my fair share of self-righteous ranting and raving about "those other people's" gossiping transgressions.

But does putting someone on the defensive--shaming them--about their behavior actually stop the behavior? Does accusing someone of being a gossip cause them to stop gossiping? It doesn't work with me, no matter how ashamed I feel, and I doubt it works with anyone else.

You see--we all make choices that we regret at times, and we wish for a do-over--but if we don't encourage independent choice-making and allow each person the chance to make choices of all kinds, we end up with a society of whiny slave robots. I got to the point of trying to be so perfect and mild and wise--the way I mentally thought  a self-master should be, that suddenly I was paralyzed when it came to making even the simplest choices. I lost confidence in myself, and I found myself drowning in the victimhood act that I was so tired of playing in the first place.

I was so afraid of making a wrong choice, that, for years, I didn't paint my rooms anything but white, for fear of wasting money on paint and wasting my time, in labor. Finally, I allowed myself to choose two paint colors--an eye-blinding yellow and a really boring beige--before settling on a coneflower yellow. I painted that room over completely three times (two coats each time) within a year. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? All that worry about a choice in paint. Ha!

One "bad" choice is not the end-all of everything--it doesn't mean a person is now committed to that bad path for life. We need to make an allowance for self-discovery and the so-called "mistakes," so we learn we can KEEP CHOOSING in order to not get stuck in an act we don't enjoy. This is a SAFE and SACRED PLAYGROUND ILLUSION, after all.

Maybe in place of the finger-pointing shame, we should instead explore death and abundance and those areas that keep humans afraid of making choices for fear of harming anything or anyone unintentionally.

I have my own personal set of rules of behavior that I try to adhere to as much as possible, and my personal definition of gossiping is:  any time I catch myself energetically feeding off discussing any interpersonal relationship where I am not a party in the story.

The family unit is one of the longest established belief systems, and each family has a moral code its members try to follow. My own family is no exception. My grandmother's advice when she sent Mom off to school in town was, "Don't be a gossip." She was the rock of her family, and she died six weeks after my 19-year-old mom's wedding, so that piece of insight has been one of the stoniest parts in our family's unwritten code of honor. It's not that we didn't gossip--we're all perfectly imperfect humans, after all--but we were aware of its power to really hurt someone, so we made it a point to try not to engage in it so much.

For me, struggling to not be a gossip has been as frustrating as struggling to not be a victim. No matter how much I try to avoid the energy-feeding involved in both, I still find myself playing the roles--and they are going to continue irritatingly popping up all around and within me, until I bring the subject out into the open, take a more objective look, and make my peace with being imperfect. Until I let go of taking myself so seriously and quit monitoring the "be-jesus" out of myself--and finally reach that feeling of actual gratitude for the wisdom gained from all that experience and exploration.

To add insult to injury, my pointing finger and my wrist is sprained, nearly arthritic with overuse. Just kidding.

So, let's step out of those guilty feelings that I've admitted to feeling--that, frankly, haven't helped me change anything--and take a seat in the audience chair:

Gossip is hurtful when it causes anyone longer-lasting misery and more suffering than needed. There is a "wicked delight" (energy feeding) at telling others about the downfall of someone you don't much like--or that you envy. That elated-feeling, pedestal-superiority is hard to let go of when you feel so insecure about yourself, and basically bored with your own life.

Is there a difference between news-reporting and gossip? There is so much "news" shared that probably shouldn't be reported in the first place. We don't know people--anyone--well enough to always understand why we do the horrendous things we Unawakened Little Humans do to one another. So is it in our best interests to keep the worst things humans can do to one another at the forefront of mass consciousness by replaying the story out on the nightly news? Lately, I've discovered I would rather pick defaulting to closed-mouth compassion over lip-flapping judgment every time.

Have you noticed that while participating in a gossip session, you find yourself energetically commiserating with the other gossips? It feels like "us" against "them." I notice this can happen so easily with my husband and me--it's us against the world. Ha! Or women talking about "the way men are," and guys talking about "the way women are." It's probably just an unconscious attempt to combat that I'm-insignificant feeling by trying to convince ourselves we belong. Sometimes we desire so much to connect with others that we get carried away and say too much, when it's probably best to let the silence be.

Still, regardless of why we do it, when you leave any gossip scene, you're pretty certain you're the next-in-line gossip victim. And there's no way you can control any of that.

Lately, when someone shares some news item or gossip, I find myself desiring to not have heard it in the first place. I ask myself, "Is that little tidbit of information something I REALLY need to know, and do I want to share it and make it a part of my own reality illusion? Or do I choose to honor the agreement between the characters in that story by letting it slip through and out of my consciousness? Lately, I find I'm more often CHOOSING to keep my lips shut, to NOT perpetuate the story. And I remind myself that nobody is really doing anything wrong on this safe and sacred playground--they're play-acting together, by agreement, at a soul level that I can't always see.

The grace-filled beauty of self-mastery is you know that you're going to behave like an imperfect human at times--and that it's okay. You know why? Because you know it's all just an illusion. And because the more you unconditionally accept yourself, and appreciate the gift of the moment of a human imperfection, the more you'll be that way with everyone outside of yourself. You breathe easier, your personal radiation smooths out and brightens up, and your world changes to match. The energy-feeding trauma-dramas--and the tendencies to gossip about them--dissipate.

There is a story in the New Testament of a man who accused his wife of adultery. He and his self-righteous friends brought her before Jesus and asked him what he would do with her, "outright sinner that she was, caught in the act." The story was even a bit more juicy, because the supposedly jilted husband may have, in fact, framed his wife in order to make himself appear innocent in his own sleaziness. That time, Jesus didn't point a finger at the wife or the husband or anyone who was a part of the spectacle. His answer was, "Let he who is without sin be the first to cast a stone."...And everyone walked away.

Jesus had the opportunity to draw out the story by listening to all the "he-saids/she saids"--but no matter how much people wrestled over who was in the right and who was wrong, passing any kind of judgment in the matter was a silly no-win situation. All of this sounds similar to the O.J. Simpson trial, those over-acted, chair-throwing Jerry Springer episodes, and reality--REALLY???--TV shows. It would have just created an even more massive suck-fest, sensational story.

Instead, he directed everyone's attention inward--to themselves. End of story. No one was chewed out, shamed, and put on the defensive for being a gossip, or for any other bad behavior.

So, if it helps, put the pointy finger to rest (it just eventually points right back at us anyway)--and, instead, step back from the story. Observe yourself, and check into how you feel inside (CLOSING YOUR EYES, of course).

Before you open your mouth to spread the news, take a moment to consider the consequences of perpetuating it. 

Is that the story you want in your world--in your personal reality illusion? 

Does the way you share it uplift and celebrate humanity? 

In the darker, evil stories, does your pity or self-righteous outrage for the beings involved change things for the better--or does it just spread fear and misery and just add to the steaming pile of "everything that's wrong in this world"? 

What do YOU CHOOSE for YOUR WORLD?

The growth in my self-awareness has replaced a great deal of the self-monitoring and my trying to control those slippery-snake aspects of myself that I don't like. I'm beginning to see potential choices that I didn't see before because I was too busy trying to handle myself correctly. I've noticed I've gotten much quieter these days about some things...and I like that.

FEELING Pain Through, and Out, by Breathing and Staying Present

My husband came home from work at the hospital yesterday, exhausted, overwhelmed, and with a pain in his ear that wouldn't let up. The energies of consciousness were tough yesterday. I was feeling them, too--physically, emotionally and mentally--and the more I get into this self-mastery stuff, the more I've become aware of the connection between the weather and mass consciousness.

The weather and pressure systems match the energetic moods of human consciousness and emotions. It started out as a beautiful, mild and sunny morning yesterday, and then suddenly, I could hardly function enough to find my cats in the yard and bring them in, so I could close my eyes and put my throbbing hip and back to rest. It was hard to mentally hold a train of thought. Self-doubt permeated everything.

I found myself second-guessing my every little deed, feeling like that little girl again with the questionable sense of humor who wanted so much to be included in the fun, but didn't feel like she measured up. Usually, she just managed to embarrass herself enough to where she wished the floor would magically open up and swallow her. That old aspect of myself has been probably one of the most challenging personalities for me to deal with. She's a nuisance, and I find myself telling her, "NO MORE! We're more than this...so much more. And when you distract me with this yammering, you're keeping us both from experiencing something better. So shut up already! Stop it! We're done!" (Go ahead and laugh at me talking to my many selves--but I'll have the last laugh, because you have a whole bunch of tantrum-throwing aspects, too).

Sure enough, it clouded over in the evening, and we got a bit of rain--we listened to it pitter-patter while in bed. It was a relief having that water gently wash the consciousness clear.

After my bath last night, I was sitting here with my left hand feeling the muscles along my spine, pressing and kneading the tender spots in order to give myself some relief. I had massaged my feet in my bath, using my thumbs to press and find the tender spots in order to work them more deeply, smoothing the pain through and out. I learned how to do foot reflexology years ago that I practiced on my dad and my husband and a few friends here and there. It's only recently that I've thought to simply use it on myself. But, boy, has it made a difference!

While massaging out my own aches last night, I realized something very important about pain--it's a mental trap. We have mentally become so accustomed to trying to avoid and not feel pain, that our bodies now automatically brace themselves for the "believed" onslaught of pain. It's another belief system box--how about popping that lid off with me?

The moment humans sense a potential incoming painful sensation, the body TENSES UP and BRACES for having to FEEL it. That bracing tension STOPS the BREATH and actually WORSENS and INTENSIFIES the experience of the pain.

Pain is simply an energy, and as I've written about before, I discovered I can BREATHE it through, coaching myself to FEEL it through and out of my body. When I massage myself (or ask Kelly to help me with the spots that are hard to reach) I press whatever I have on hand as deeply as I can into the sore muscle area--I locate those areas by laying down, closing my eyes and doing a body scan by feeling out the sore and tense spots, sometimes using my fingers to help, too.

When I've located the source and center of the pain, I focus my attention on that spot.

I consciously BREATHE: inhaling through my nose, deep into my belly (I lay my hand on my tummy to feel my breath pushing it up); then exhaling out of my mouth (the hand on my tummy falls).

and I ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL and EXPLORE and IMMERSE myself in the SENSATION of PAIN   (I describe the feeling to myself--sharp, throbbing, achy, can't pinpoint it, white-hot, etc.) 

If I cry, so much the better, because the tears are a release, but I don't seem to cry much anymore from pain.

When I shifted my viewpoint from pain being something to avoid at all costs, to it just being an experience to immerse myself in, and to explore and describe--it took the fear and, gradually, the tension and long-lasting misery out of it...

I realized my SOUL was simply having an experience, nothing more.

Last night my husband's ear pain was still present as we were laying in bed, so together we located the sore muscle areas in his back that connected to that pain. He's an ultra-sound technician, and his right shoulder, arm and hand gets over-used from straining over the bodies of patients in order to get the best diagnostic images. He told me he thought the ear pain was connected to a spot somewhere in the musculature around his shoulder blade--and it was. Once we located it, he asked me to press my elbow into it--I can apply more pressure that way (DO NOT USE this technique on the kidneys!!!). After reminding him to BREATHE DEEPLY a few times first, I lowered my weight on my elbow, all the while reminding him, "BREATHE and FEEL it through. FEEL it through..." It relieved him enough to fall asleep.

Humans are afraid to IMMERSE themselves in an experience, for FEAR OF GETTING STUCK in it and not surviving it. When you invite your SOUL into IMMERSING with your HUMAN self into an experience, it helps you go beyond the pain. Humans feel pain but, thankfully, our souls don't--each, in its own capabilities is a gift to the other. This whole transition into the new consciousness energy is simply uniting the divine SOUL with its HUMAN counterpart so the experiences can be even greater and more fulfilling for one's entire Body of Consciousness. The All-Alone Little Human Drama/Traumas will be a thing of the past.

Helping Others Help You:

I realize that my past experiences have been such that massaging myself is second nature to me. I know my body, and I've accumulated a lot of ways (many of them self-taught) to help myself flow energies through more easily--mainly because I'm passionate about it. I know my anatomy pretty well. But some of you reading this may not. In that case, I would recommend letting yourself experience body work like foot reflexology (if you're really shy) and massage therapy or any other modality that helps you get more aware of your body.

One thing though, when asking another to facilitate in you healing yourself--CHOOSE to BE a PRESENT PARTICIPANT. Take full responsibility for ALL OF YOU!

I've experienced trying to care for people unwilling to take responsibility for their life and well-being and self-loving acceptance. And I've observed my husband and others in the healthcare profession (I include the maintenance people cleaning those toilets and keeping things sterile in those hospitals and clinics, along with the doctors, nurses and technicians) putting up with people who abuse themselves through alcohol, food, drug (prescription and non-), sex abuse, etc. all because they don't take ownership of their own lives. Hospitals are SUCKY, ENERGY-FEEDING frenzies!

If you're going in to have an exam done, or have a body or foot massage--whatever--BATHE YOURSELF FIRST. Walk into those places with GRATITUDE for your own life and for the people who've placed themselves there to facilitate your well-being.

And don't expect SOMEBODY ELSE to create a MIRACLE FOR YOU! Do it yourself--anything less is called energy sucking. People go to healthcare professionals expecting them to make them feel happy and healthy and loved--all the while, refusing to do it for themselves! (I feel my eyes roll into the back of my head a lot when I'm around such sick-acting attention-seekers). 

GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE!--it goes so much further than a poor, pitiful, misunderstood-me attitude.

The energies you carry into a place will make or break your experience there.

Some people have a tendency to be "sue-happy"--if they have a bad experience they want to blame someone else for it, and they get a lawyer to file a lawsuit. Then, not only do you have laws put in place that mercilessly, stupidly, and severely shackle health facilitators (most of whom are well-meaning individuals), you have astronomical insurance and healthcare rates and costs to match. And you have one big effing trauma-drama. I'm so sick of hearing about the healthcare debate and listening to businesses using it as an excuse to not hire full-time employees (a practice I experienced for years while working for various businesses long before "Obama-care" was even a thought). Just step out of the game--the belief system. The sleepers can fight to their content, but it need not affect you at all, if you so choose.

If it's in your life, you put there. If you have a disease--you chose to have the experience. Immerse yourself in it--explore the pain of it, BE FULLY PRESENT in the EXPERIENCING! It's the quickest way to not get stuck.

If you're obese (it just recently earned itself a place in the "DISEASE"category, which basically is the equivalent of saying, "You poor, POWERLESS, pitiful thing..."), you created that. And beating on yourself, going on guilt-trips over what you eat, indulging in cockamamie diets and brutal exercise routines, and blaming others for treating you insensitively because YOU BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT WORTHY changes absolutely nothing. And if you have someone treating you insensitively, it's merely someone kindly playing the betrayer role for you so you can SEE HOW YOU ARE TREATING YOURSELF!

Do you view your life as a GIFT to you from an unconditionally-loving Source?--or as a BURDEN, where you have to prove yourself worthy of it by taking on the woes you've been taught are in the world? The answer will determine your experiences, and what kind of joy you get from them. (See: Life is a Gift, Not a Test).

You gave yourself the experience and if you're still struggling in that experience, then you're deriving some benefit from it. What is the benefit for you? No--don't shy away from the question. Running away from yourself heals nothing. Have the guts to answer the question honestly and self-compassionately, and you'll feel yourself taking a step out of that miserable prison. You are the only one who KNOWS WHAT the BENEFIT is! And the benefit doesn't have to have some altruistic reason or purpose behind it. You just simply chose to have an experience--that's what we're all doing here.

To sum up all of the above ranting:

PAIN--CHOOSE to IMMERSE YOURSELF in the experience of it, BE PRESENT in your body in it, and BREATHE it through and out of your being...so you can make room for the new. 

My sovereign friends--that is what an embodied self-master (Soul and Human integrated together in one) does, because we have new potentials to experience, but we have to get ourselves opened up so we can gracefully receive them...

Related Posts:
Discerning the Pity Trap

Napping while Awakening

"Pen, will you go wake Dad up? Dinner's ready."

Here in the upper Midwest, "dinner" is the meal we eat at noon. Dad often returned to the house in the late morning and would lie down for a nap while Mom fixed the meal. I always felt a sort of gentle reverence while waking him up from those naps. He was always on his back, in his socks, one goose-down pillow under his head, and the other draped over his eyes. All you could see were his nostrils and the rest of his lower face. He was so still and so quiet. I don't remember ever hearing him snore and could hardly hear him breathe. I'd touch him lightly on the arm or hands, and using my soft voice, I'd call him to consciousness, "Dad--dinner's ready." He'd murmur, "Yep." Then in a matter of a few seconds, his eyes would be open and up he'd get. I don't ever remember having to call him more than once.

Sometimes he napped after dinner instead, and would awaken a bit before 2:00 pm. Mom and I would be sitting in the living room, visiting, and I'd watch him walking down the hallway towards us, stopping to pull on each cowboy boot, adjusting his jeans leg over and down each boot. He'd gather his wild hair in one hand, smoothing it under, while placing his cap on top with the other. He'd be blinking his eyes, trying to focus and get more firmly settled in his body--all the while grinning a bit sheepishly while asking us if we were ready to go for coffee.

It's one of my most treasured memories.

Mom took short naps--about 15-20 minutes every afternoon. When I was little, she used to read me books, as a bribe to get me to take a nap afterwards, in order to get in a short, rejuvenating nap of her own.

While their napping styles were vastly different, they still had in common the fact that they took some SAFE and SACRED time ALONE each day to rest and rejuvenate themselves. They wouldn't have realized that was what they were doing. They were just taking a rest because they felt better afterwards. Neither one was someone you'd consider sickly. And though they died at ages 70 and 74, they'd lived full lives, and I feel like they left because they were ready to, regardless of how their deaths transpired.

Dad and Mom were pretty awakened individuals for the era in which they lived. They had a broader perspective on some things than some of their contemporaries--they were very compassionate and empathetic and unconditionally accepting in a lot of ways at that time. They were there to help out in a pinch, but they honored people living their own lives according to their free choice. Giving out advice or their opinion, when it wasn't solicited in the first place, wasn't their way, for the most part. Yes, Dad could be passionately outspoken about his interests, yet he wasn't one to force his ideas on a person. At least, that's the way I knew him. My older brothers and sister could probably have experienced him differently. I'm one of the youngest kids who benefited from my parents working out parenting issues on all my older siblings first.

Going beyond the old mindset and beliefs and perceptions is A LOT OF WORK, on levels people outside of you can't see, much less measure or compare. You have to be willing to accept that others are going to judge you and reject you--and you have to learn to not let it matter to you. You have to find ways to help yourself step back off the stage so you can just observe from the audience for a bit. The old dramas and traumas of the old consciousness game are SO SEDUCTIVE, you find yourself drawn into playing them just because it's habit, it's automatic, it's what you've known, and how you've played the game for so long.

From having pushed myself out of the old comfort zone to explore beyond the long-established belief systems in the mass consciousness of my own world and time, I know from experience the importance of ALLOWING ONESELF to REST, REJUVENATE and RE-BALANCE naturally.

Napping has been my saving grace through this entire transition.

It used to take me 2-3days of 2-hour minimum naps in the afternoon to recover from the exhaustion and body aches I'd experience after returning from visits to my old hometown. I often enjoyed myself during those visits, too. It was just that in returning home, all those old stories, old identity roles and belief systems originally planted in my childhood suddenly popped into beingness out of default habit. The old pressures of expectations I had of myself in the old days would swoop in for a last hurrah. It would be such a bombardment of energies--letting go of the old while practicing the new--that in feeling back to what it was like, it was like I was running on an adrenaline high all the while I was in my past stomping grounds. And then I'd return to my present home--a much more safe and sacred space--and I'd let the burdens drop at the door like my suitcase. I'd leave my body and mind for a bit, and nap.

It's good to disconnect from one's family and friends for a bit in order to get clear within oneself without being emotionally triggered and energetically burdened by old stories. My family is a bit unique in that we generally don't seek to get over-involved in our siblings' lives--we don't tell one another what we think the other should be doing. It's not that we don't care, it's more of an honoring one another in living their own life how they choose. Like the way Mom and Dad were with us. But with that said, delving into one's past is still lots of work, regardless of what your past was like.

I sleep differently when napping than when I do so at night. I'm on my back, like my dad, and I've learned not to cross my ankles or lace my fingers (it restricts blood circulation in those areas)--because I don't move. I evidently often leave my body while it re-balances and rejuvenates itself, because I'll lie there in one place, somewhere between asleep and awake, unable to move my limbs or open my eyes, I'm barely breathing. Right before awakening, I'll feel myself suddenly inhale a deep breath--like I'm sucking my spirit back into my body. It's a noticeable difference to my breathing state the rest of the time--and suddenly, I'm back in my body, able to move. My eyes might be glazed over for a bit, too, like Dad's were, until I've been up moving around awhile. And I always make a trip to the bathroom first thing. I also seem to snack on something to help ground myself a bit more firmly. How rested I feel depends on what's going on in my life.

When Steve Rother, of Lightworker.com, channels The Group, his wife, Barbara, helps him return back to his body at the end by kissing him on the top of his head. Staying in these weighted and dense, pain-feeling bodies--though I've heard having a body is one of the most sensual and highly sought-after experiences any being can have--can be challenging after having a bit of freedom from them. Though I don't channel the way Steve Rother does, I'm aware that I'm still doing a great deal of work in other dimensions when I appear to be napping here. In the old days, Edgar Cayce, and other unconscious channels like him, had someone who monitored his physical body while he was channeling. Not moving for long periods of time, and not being present in the body, takes a toll on a person's overall health.

My husband doesn't kiss me awake. He might tap me or lean over me in the night once in awhile, trying figure out if I'm breathing and still alive--ha! Nope, the service of helping me re-embody is kindly assumed by my cats--and they do an amazing job of it! Max used to lie stretched out on top of the length of my legs whenever I was down for a nap, and now Bella has taken his place. She lies on my shins or drapes her paws over my legs, touching me. Their warmth and loving touch gives me a reason to come back to my body--it grounds my energies after being away on my inter dimensional travels and helps me smile.

I wish I could say I was a ray of sunshine when I wake up, but I'm usually not. The mass consciousness energies in this earthly realm are not happy and smoothly-flowing, so they aren't easy to re-enter. And when I'm in dream-state between being almost here, but not yet fully in my body, my human mind tends to translate all that frustration and anger and human blindness of mass consciousness into feeling like it's all my own stuff--but it isn't. When you're awakening, you're naturally extra-sensitive to energies, regardless of whether they're yours or someone else's.

As for dreams and their meanings for me: I look back into how I was feeling in them and the thoughts I had as I observed and took part in the scenes. They are usually keys as to how I've been UN-consciously acting and reacting while seeming to be conscious in this reality landscape.

Humans have a tendency to not be present in their bodies--even when they're supposedly awake--because they haven't taken ownership of their lives. This is where dis-ease and the sexual energy virus in consciousness filters in. People challenged with obesity and cancer, take note. The more present you are in that body, the more you UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE and EMBRACE ALL of you, the quicker the disease symptoms will depart from your reality. The more present you are, the more balanced and harmonically-functioning your body is. When in pain, we have a tendency to leave them--which is fine to a point, but at some place along the way, if we want to stay living on the planet we have to re-enter, re-embody. Breathe yourself back in--allow your divinity/your soul to come into you, to make your bodies HOME/HEAVEN wherever you are.

I waffled for many years over whether I wanted to be alive here on earth anymore. Several times, I reminded myself I made the CONSCIOUS CHOICE to stay. And the more I practiced breathing myself through painful situations by staying put in my body, instead of leaving it for some other person to take care of for me, the more excited I became about sticking around for the experience of the whole transformation process into the new consciousness energy and a new physical body. A new physical body that more fittingly matches who I really am, rather than a karmic and ancestral conglomeration of biology. To have the opportunity to experience such a transformation without going through the old physical death process is exciting stuff to me.

In a nutshell--don't be afraid to rest. It's SO NOT BEING LAZY! This is an amazing and historic time to be here in a body on Earth. Plus, I've discovered so much about myself from my dreams. We're all capable of extra-ordinary things--things I once used to think of as miracles and abilities only really gifted and talented, extra-sensitive, and special individuals could do. 

The funny thing with all of this, though, is that I've realized we have ALL been doing these things all along--we just weren't aware of it, and so we haven't been sharing our experiences in these realms with one another. For a long time, I didn't have the words or the confidence in myself, and humans didn't even have the vocabulary, to explain these things to another. We've been stuck in the dramas of Little Human Puppet/Sinner Roles.

Don't be afraid to explore yourself and share these discoveries with others--it makes it easier and more fun for everyone. Being outside that box of old beliefs about oneself is an amazing and awesome experience. I smile more...once I'm awake and fully-embodied, that is.

Related Posts:
Physical Symptoms of My Awakening Self-Awareness, Part 1

Money Only Matters when You Make It Matter

Money becomes an issue in your life creations ONLY IF you MAKE it an issue.

The quickest way to bring any creative idea to a complete stop is to make money an issue in it. The fastest way to pervert or distort an originally beautiful creative desire to the point it has no integrity left is to introduce the issue of financing into the idea. You can make money off it--bundles of it--but that shouldn't be the goal. In fact, don't even set a goal--that limits things and stops the creative flow, too.

If  LACK or LIMITED RESOURCES is a foundational belief of the person/s creating something, then the flow of abundance is naturally limited in that endeavor. This is why businesses using "cost-cutting" (lack consciousness) actually perpetuates the "not enough" story. Watch those businesses--they won't be flowing abundance. They're literally choking themselves to death.

The best creations are those you do for the "self-express" joy of creating--express your choice and then give your creations their freedom to flow without you trying to control or manipulate them. Energy flows through the least obstructed and least limited path, so step out of the way of your creations. DON'T EFFORT so much. INSTEAD, close your eyes and check in with yourself to note how you FEEL about it all. Take some breaths to calm and center yourself in the moment at hand.

It basically all boils down to this: ENERGY, in unconditional service, arranges itself to materialize into being whatever CONSCIOUSNESS CHOOSES to focus its attention on.

When you (a pinpoint of CONSCIOUS AWARENESS)are breathing easily and are present and centered--you are then allowing the energies to flow and serve you naturally with grace and ease, and you're allowing yourself to simply receive the experience with ease.

If you choose to create something, don't ask others for opinions if they aren't participating and vested in the creative process--you'll get a big effing story and drama, and a creation that's been run off its tracks. Nothing ticks me off more than someone sitting at the table of imaginative flow who's throwing in statements like, "But...you know how people are...they'll never go for it or actually do it... It all sounds like fun until it comes time to actually do it...blah, blah, blah..."

If that's the way you view your life and are CHOOSING to live it, you may as well leave your dreams and ideas behind and get on with your miserable life--because I won't play with you. I'll manifest my dreams elsewhere.

Money: In the past, and on up to this current day, it's been used to play the "Let's Pretend" game of  "Some Have Power, Some Don't."

The truth is, though, that no one can steal another's power over their own life unless that person gives them that power--on some level, there's been a mutual agreement between the two parties to play that game. If it's in your life, YOU CREATED IT to be so, and ONLY you can CHOOSE to un-create it.

The monetary system is simply an energy pattern that has been repeated through the ages. It's a long-established belief system initially based in peaceful trading (energy flow) between sovereignties or individuals. But as has happened with most human belief systems, it's been infiltrated by the sexual energy virus, aka energy feeding and "stealing,"--a game of victims versus perpetrators.

Stepping out of a long-established BELIEF SYSTEM (aka, mind programming) is like stepping back after having walked into a spider web. Its sticky threads cling to you, and the more you struggle and fight within the web of belief, the more entangled you get. So first go sit down in that AUDIENCE CHAIR and OBSERVE the plays and dramas from a distance.

Years ago, Adamus encouraged us to just consider the idea that maybe we don't have to pay bills or taxes, etc., but he DID NOT encourage us at that point to withdraw from the system because we were too unconsciously enmeshed in the belief system yet, too afraid of the consequences. We weren't fully aware of how deeply we were asleep--there were layers upon layers of beliefs to become aware of. At that time, my feelings of guilt over not paying bills and taxes, or fearfully believing I needed to fight some conspiracy entity (like a bank or wealthy person of power) in order to survive, etc. would have had me EMOTIONALLY creating some dire stories and experiences for myself--AGAIN. I actually did that years prior to hearing Adamus and Tobias--and it was one hell of an experience, as you can read about in my various posts on this blog.

My conscience couldn't handle it at the time and I wasn't fully AWARE of my FEELINGS that were triggering my reality manifestations.

For instance, I used to get a lump in my throat, bees in my stomach and a constricted feeling in my chest when bills arrived in the mail. I'd pay the bills according to due dates and the balance in my checking account, which seemed to just barely have enough to cover things, even though I balanced the thing monthly and kept track of every penny I spent.

After considering what Adamus's words meant for me, I CHOSE to start FLOWING my abundance in little ways that I could live with, and not feel too scared. In terms of money, that meant, for me:

I take a few deep-down into my stomach breaths to get centered, then:

1. I pay bills the moment they arrive in my mail in order to keep my mind and my desks and countertops clear--and to simply keep the energies FLOWING.

2. I write "Thank you" on the memo line of the checks I write. Gratitude flows energy more easily than fighting. It's just airy numbers we're dealing with here, after all. So we can count how many beans or marbles we hold--does it REALLY MATTER?

3. I quit balancing that old accounting consciousness "barely enough" checkbook of mine. I make a note of having written checks just for reference sake, but I no longer balance it or record cash or debit card use.

4. I pay my credit card balance off IN FULL EVERY MONTH. I have only one credit card and I use it only TRUSTING MYSELF to have the funds available in the moment needed--like I have the cash right there, right NOW. I don't play the debt or credit game of LACK of ABUNDANCE. The whole paying on a mortgage for a home should someday become obsolete--that's foolish energy feeding story.

5. I DON'T use COUPONS or buy something just because it's on SALE or CHEAP. Those practices perpetuate the "lack of money" or "just barely enough" stories. I buy quality. I generate less garbage that way, too.

6. I practice consciously REMINDING myself out loud that I'm KEEPING ENERGIES FLOWING and I BREATHE that constantly to keep my inner feelings at ease and peace, so that's what I'm radiating out to the UNIVERSE.

I no longer tremble at the idea of bills and money or having enough. I haven't felt those old anxiety symptoms much at all in the last couple years. When I no longer have a mortgage--I'll let you know of that, too, and what it was like to let it go. I currently just pay it and don't worry about it.

It gets better and easier every day as I've gotten accustomed to flowing energy in the form of money. I just pay money, and allow myself to receive money, with ease and flowing grace....and I ALLOW MYSELF to enjoy my gift of life. You are gods also--you can do the same thing, if you choose.

Money just shows the flow of relationship energy between parties. Its value as an easy-to-carry trading tool was once upon a time based on labor and on precious metals like gold and silver--but it hasn't been based on much of anything like that since around 1971. It's pretty much airy-fairy fantasy. Its worth depends solely on you, the individual who determines how much power you give it to influence your life and CHOICES.

If you decide "you don't have enough money" to create and do the things in your life that you'd like--so it is! The Universe matches your radiation. I played with that particular radiation much longer in my life than I care to remember, but it gave me fodder to share here with you.

Adamus has said,
"The amount of abundance (in all forms, in all aspects) in one's life is directly proportional to that person's will to live."

Do you view your life here on earth as a GIFT? How much do you want to be here on earth, having all this experience? How much joy do you choose? How easy or difficult do you choose to make it? Whatever your choice--the Universe will lovingly match it to make it so. If you choose to whine like a victim over money issues that you made materialize--the universe will give you exactly what you're radiating out.

So if you don't take ownership of, and accept full responsibility for, the entirety of your own gift of a life, you're going to experience lack in some form.

It takes as much--or even more--energy to perpetuate a state of lack story (lots of "poor pitiful mes") as it does to just simply allow the natural flow of one's abundance co-created with the Universe.

Unfortunately, people like to commiserate too often about their "money issues" with one another, which just keeps that story in play then. My best advice: Close your mouth and leave the conversation.

When I was a junior in high school I was given the opportunity to observe two creations materializing about the same time by approximately the same group of people. With the first one, I got to watch a desired creation manifest simply, without much worry or fuss when you didn't make money the issue. And with the second, I got to observe what happened when you made money an issue in your creation.

In September of 1980, when I was 16 years old, the fair board failed to put on the traditional teen dance in the quonset during the county fair. We kids wanted a dance. We were all only 15-17 years old--not able to legally sign any contracts, so one of the parents did that part for us. One person in our group knew of a rock band to hire, and did so. Another rented the building and someone hired a cop, as required by law, to monitor the gathering. Other classmates stood at the door and charged a $3.00 cover charge for the event. Others helped clean up the building afterwards.

We not only made enough to pay all the bills, we made enough profit to put on more dances throughout the year. We ran into one glitch when we scheduled a dance at the same time of another dance somewhere else in the area, and we weren't able to cancel the band in time. We had to still hold the dance, and I think that gouged our funds. But there was evidently still enough in there to buy some booze to spike the punch bowl at the prom that spring. Okay, so that probably wasn't the wisest use, and if someone tried that today, the penalties would be pretty dire. The point is, we simply CHOSE to DANCE--and instead of whining about the fair board doing us a wrong and not having any money to do it, we manifested a dance. The money was there when we needed it.

In contrast, our junior class had two adult advisors and a class fund that was monitored. We got over-zealous with the prom decorations and ended our year with our official junior class in debt. We spent a good portion of our senior year earning the money selling concessions (that the class behind us should have had) to get ourselves in the black before graduation. Our prom was quite beautiful--we had a mural and waterfall and a bridge and wishing well--and I still have to laugh at the story. But it goes to show that maybe we should take a deeper look at what money really is--and how old concepts like "money management" beliefs and bean-counting practices influence our realities.

What if we've just MENTALLY and EMOTIONALLY COMPLICATED something that is natural and simple to flow--our own ABUNDANCE?...


Related posts:
What Is Money--Really?: An Exercise in Inner-Knowingness
Walk Like a Master