The Seduction of Being a Victim

The seduction of being a victim is you get attention.

When there are no more victims, the abusers will dissolve away...

And the Sexual Energy Virus in Consciousness will be done,

because the Masculine and Feminine will be in balanced partnership.

To play the role of Abuser means you're feeding off, or stealing, the energy from others (Victims) who are ALLOWING you to do so. You CANNOT feed off another unless they give you permission to use them in that way.

The tricky part though, is that when you play the Victim, you are the one ALLOWING another being to abuse you. You are feeding the story, the drama, the illusion. And when you use your victimhood in order to get attention from others, to get pity, to commiserate, to fit in--you're suddenly the abuser, too--the energy feeder/sucker. You're stealing energy from another who commiserates with you, or who politely allows you to vent and then feels sorry for you. And around the never-ending Misery-Go-Round you go.

The Victim role is a slippery, insidious and seductive little sucker...

The big question:
"Why do they--my victims--allow me to do that to them?"

My soul has another human expression, for lack of a better understandable description, a past-life incarnation who played the role of a very dark and terrible--evil--woman who perpetrated some extremely heinous abominations on fellow human beings. She was after POWER and CONTROL, and she totally immersed into darkness. I call her the Dark Lady.

Because of her, I carried over a great deal of guilt into this particular lifetime--which I finally released myself from by simply FORGIVING MYSELF. That was NOT me! That was a human totally blind to her Divine Creatorship--she was completely unaware of her "I am that I am." As I've mentioned many times before, I've realized this Earth is a playground for spirit, a place to play-act in order to discover oneself--and that we can't harm any soul eternally or permanently.

I realized that the Dark Lady did all those cruel and terrible things because she believed she was only a Little Human just trying to survive in what she believed was a cruel world. She was deep asleep in the hypnosis of "I'm just a SCARED Little Human trying to get some semblance of power over that fear--Kill them before they kill me, and make sure they're too scared to even try!"

The true gift of the Dark Lady, though, has been her question, "Why did my victims allow me to do that to them, over and over and over again?"

Why do people stay in abusive relationships and allow themselves to be hurt continuously? Why did friends allow some "expert" or doctor--basically another human as imperfect as oneself--to diagnose them with a permanent label, and a prescribed drug use that left them feeling like a zombie walking through their own life? Why do they still, after decades, continue playing that character-role and make that diagnosis their truth? Why do people let parents, friends, teachers, doctors, preachers and psychics tell them what's "wrong" with them, what kind of life they have to live, and what to expect from the future? Why do we humans passively hand over our life to someone, or something, outside of us that can't possibly know us, and can't begin to appreciate one's own existence as much as the individual living that Unique Soul Expression?

I have asked myself that question constantly--and I keep seeing the hypnosis. Humans just keep playing the same old game over and over again--sleepwalking through life, victims of life.

We take all these SUGGESTIONS, and that's all they are, about how life is on Earth: here is what it's like and this is how you do it--we program our kids with it--and very few question the validity, or truthfulness of the belief that's the flavor of the moment. We live out these gifts of life in unquestioning MEDIOCRITY.

The Benevolent Rebel in me chose to question and challenge all the diagnoses and labels and LIMITING, FREEDOM-SUFFOCATING ideas and beliefs. To challenge a belief doesn't mean standing on a street corner or behind a podium trying to gain followers. You actually don't need followers to live your own life. It means quiet time, being alone with oneself--and being honest and choosing clarity.

My beloved Adamus Saint-Germain, an ascended master, has constantly been reminding me, "If it's in your life, even if you don't like it, you put it there. You're deriving some BENEFIT from it--it's serving you in some way. You've allowed it, you've adopted it--otherwise it would not be in your life."

I came into this life expression, determined to explore and understand the benefit of being, playing the victim. I began my study of the subject of the Sexual Energy Virus in Consciousness in the most obvious way by being a victim of sexual molestation when I was young. Click this link to read that story--Overcoming the Victimhood Addiction.

But that was only the tip of the Victim iceberg. We can be the victims of many things in many ways. I can be the victim of a disease, an accident, a family or intimate relationship, a business or government or school relationship, a spiritual or religious relationship. I can pick any subject or tangent, and I can play a victim role in it--if I choose, if I am RADIATING out from my single point of conscious awareness that I am a VICTIM in my life.

The past is only an insubstantial memory stream running through my human mind--it doesn't have to take form, it doesn't have to affect my PRESENT moment at all. It only stays in my presence NOW because I insist on dwelling on it, building and honing my stories about it, focusing my present attention on it, re-creating it over and over with every emotion-charged breath--instead of simply forgiving myself, and any others, and releasing myself from the story. The past is gone--it's only as real as I MAKE IT IN THIS PRESENT BREATH AND MOMENT.

We're basically little kids playing, "Let's Pretend: You be the Bad Guy this time, and I'll be the Good Guy."

And we take turns playing various roles for each other. The problems arise when we forget that we're playing "Just Pretend"--when we forget that we're not that character-role, that human identity or even personality that we've been playing for so long. We get stuck when we don't CHOOSE to simply let the story go--unconditionally accept and forgive and let go.

For instance, what if the contractor I hired to roof my house didn't do as he promised? What if what seemed like a really good deal turned out to be a pain in the ass? What if he messed up some things, and I had to do it myself in order to get it done properly? What if he didn't return to finish the job, in a timely manner, that he'd started--and all of this after I'd already paid him out of the kindness of my heart because he gave me a pitiful story of needing the money right then? What if he finally finishes the job months, and many rains, later--but he's mad at me for hounding him? What if two years down the road, I discover water soaking into my ceilings because of a roof leak due to improper roofing? How do I fix this? Is there ever going to be a solution, an end to the matter that doesn't take up so much of my time and energy?

But we keep identifying with, and holding onto memories of what happened yesterday instead of starting fresh, clear, and new in the NOW. We build the story even bigger in our minds by worrying--which is emotionally-charged fear. We get so caught up in the mental stream of dramatic, worst-case scenarios that we close off our windows of clarity to the extent that we can't even imagine the very real potential of having an intact roof without any effort. If you can't perceive or even open up your consciousness to seeing that potential--you're not going CHOOSE to manifest it. Creators of their realities make CHOICES. You're CHOOSING to stay in that mess until you CHOOSE to let it, and yourself, go free.

Instead of FORGIVING ONESELF--which is simply saying and realizing that that was NOT ME! I played, for a time, the role of a Little Human Victim--but that role is NOT who I am! I was playing "Let's Pretend!--Let's pretend I'm the kind-hearted victim with a leaky roof, and let's pretend you're the  Big Bad Roofer."

In the first place, there is a prevalent mass consciousness BELIEF, suggestion, that contractors are never on time, that they will cut corners if you're not monitoring them closely, and that you shouldn't pay them a dime until the work is done to your complete satisfaction. Well, we're all imperfect humans, and yet we strive to force perfection from ourselves and others--isn't that ironic?

So what happens if you don't heed those mass consciousness warnings, yet you feel self-doubtful about that choice? What happens when you feel you maybe made a "WRONG" choice? What happens when you're feeling all that DOUBT about YOURSELF, and then you hire the roofers because they're available and you need the work done right away, and then you pay them before they're done?

Well, if you're like most of us humans--the first thing you feel, after DOUBTING YOURSELF, is GUILT and SHAME at being a "stupid human." And then you tell everyone you come in contact with about your "bad contractor and your sorry roof situation." You commiserate with other humans. You share your anger and your misery and self-flagellation with others. You RADIATE that "I am a Guilty Victim" consciousness. YOU GET MORE PLAY out of the story--and playtime can be fun on some level, right?

After awhile, though, your head and body poundingly aches from the tension of all that inner turmoil, you're feeling awfully nauseated and dizzy and confused on that Merry-Go-Round amusement park ride, and you find yourself screaming at the ride operator, "Shut this damn thing off! Let me off!!!"...Ahem...YOU ARE THE RIDE OPERATOR and CREATOR. Only you can stop it.

You continue to walk around feeling like a powerless fool without any solution in sight except one that's going to cost you a whole lot of energy, effort, time and money to fix. You get stuck in a vicious circling mind trap.

You're RADIATING out SELF-DOUBT: "I am a powerless, foolish VICTIM--and no way can I TRUST MYSELF!" And all the energies in service to you match that, ray for ray.

You've got a protective armor on--if you close your eyes and feel into yourself, you'll become aware of clenching your jaw, a tightness and roiling in your stomach and/or chest, and a slump in your posture. You're pulled in tight into a fetal ball, trying to protect yourself from any more painful blows. You're just trying to survive in this harsh and cruel reality.

That protective armor you're sporting, and those walls you've erected around yourself are what keep the energies (in service to you) hammering at you. DROP THE BARRIERS! 

If you take the SELF-COMPASSIONATE time to close your eyes, take deep down into your belly breaths, and HONESTLY FEEL into yourself--allow yourself to experience the entire ordeal fully, to observe yourself feeling the spectrum of anger and sadness and guilt to TOTAL FORGIVENESS, the energies will serve you with ease and grace.

Laugh at the wonderful story you created for yourself! Allow yourself to admit to the benefit you're getting from the story--why you're allowing yourself to play this victim.

Remember that no matter what stories play out here on the surface of things, we all UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE and accept oneself and each other. We're just role-playing together, and we act out each other's scripts, out of love. "Always, I exist!"... Nothing else matters...

When I FEELINGLY go to that peaceful gray-mist void, that place beyond TIME and SPACE, where I'm just simple awareness--no human body or story, it's like letting my computer's built-in virus protection take over. I shut off my old virus-infected computer, let it all go in forgiveness--none of it really matters. It was just an experience for my soul. 

Then I hit RESTART from that simple "I am that I am--I exist!" awareness where I have no past story--and it's all brand new and as easy as I choose life to be. From that peaceful "I exist" awareness, I see potentials of ease and grace to CHOOSE that I couldn't perceive when in the muck of the fight.

You just have to consciously CHOOSE to allow yourself to be in, and RECEIVE a life of ease and grace--NO LIMITATIONS. You deserve it! Breathe deeply and open yourself up consciously--drop the guarding walls around your energy field. You don't have to figure out a thing. You don't have to fix anything. Just let go of that story from the past--it's a mental stream of consciousness that you can simply step out of by realizing you exist, no matter what, and that was just a drama play-act you created, and that only you can RELEASE yourself from. Step off that stage.

Dont' worry.  Don't think.  Don't analyze.  Don't judge.

You're actually opening up your field of energy to ALLOW it to flow it all through you without judgment and mental analysis of the story and characters--this is what your soul does. The details don't matter. The old structure has nothing to stick to in your body of consciousness anymore--so it passes on through. Our  Little Human minds have been programmed through many lifetimes to try to be in control, and they're constantly monitoring us and telling us what's appropriate to feel and think--based solely on the Little Human's JUDGMENT of PAST experiences.

Our SOULS do not JUDGE:  And therein, lies the key to one's FREEDOM! I've had to tell my human mind to shut up because it wants to keep me playing the Victim.

You see, the Victim is such an easy way to relate, to converse with each other. Look how often we complain--commiserate--about the weather, our bodies, a virus, the government, business, our families, dramas and tragedies.

We use the Victim as a means to try to fit in with the rest of the world--and it's more than willing to accommodate us.

I don't talk as much when I'm not playing Victim. Does that mean I don't converse with others as easily? No. My sense of humor has improved drastically.

Probably the most insidious victim role for me has been with me and my husband--and we constantly trade off Victim/Abuser roles with each other. When you live with someone for so long in the old consciousness, you get comfortable playing an old identity--"This is how I am, and that is how you are. That's just the way we are. That's just the way it is."

I've had to constantly take a breather and remind myself over the years, and even in recent days, that what my husband chooses or does, DOES NOT HAVE TO AFFECT ME!  I got bizarrely comfortable in what is really a miserable mediocrity for both of us, all because it was familiar and maybe a little less scary than completely accepting responsibility for myself and my own well-being first. I didn't trust myself to provide a decent house for myself. I used to feel a lot of SELF-DOUBT BARRIERS go up when I contemplated getting my own car and home, and I caught myself trying to figure out how to get them. As a result, I mentally and emotionally pressured myself into that protective fetal ball--I barricaded myself in--and I created nothing but more angst and strife, and no house or car of my own. And my husband could never love me enough or do things quite up to my expectations.

I finally realized that TRUE LOVE MAKES CONSCIOUS CHOICES TO CHANGE, instead of feeding sucky stories for one another. Ours is not a physically abusive relationship--if it was, I'd leave. Instead, I speak up and point out that we're feeding off each other, it doesn't matter who's doing which--who's providing the energy and who's feeding off it.

Because my husband is only following my script for him, his act won't change until I quit owning, and identifying with, our past story. Our act together won't change until I FORGIVE myself, thus, naturally, him also: "That wasn't me! That wasn't him! We were just role-playing together."

It's time to let go of my old stories--to let go of feeling so guilty and ashamed of myself. It's up to me to CHOOSE to DROP MY PROTECTIVE BARRIERS based in the past, and consciously open myself up to receiving and living a life of joyful abundance, ease and grace. Nothing changes if I don't allow FREEDOM first for me. I can see then, how I then allow him his own freedom--it happens naturally.

I've realized that enjoying my life means I can let go of trying to figure out how to get what I want. I'm no longer limiting my potentials of CHOICE with expectations based on my past experiences. I remember that simple moment of self-awareness in a gray mist: "I am...I am!...I exist!" --and it all falls away, and opens up brand new...

I then see the colors, feel the textures, smell the aromas, hear the songs, the tactile, sensual beauty that is the Gift of Infinite Experience in a human form, on this beloved Earth, for that singular Spark of Divinity that I am. I zing with the passion of my abundant beingness. I have never lacked for anything...ever. I was a victim of living out a mediocre life simply because I chose it. No harm, no foul. I was enjoying the play...

And now I'm done with that act...

Related Posts:
I am...I Exist!...WOW! This--MY LIFE--Is a Gift!

The True "Word of God" is Written Upon YOUR Heart

The true "Word of God"--the expression of God--is written upon each individuals heart.

It's not that corrupted literal book written and translated over and over again by men and women who weren't so pure of heart, and who used it to maintain power and control over others--to energetically feed off others--people who ALLOWED them to do so. 

That game of "Victims and Perpetrators" is a result  of the Sexual Energy Virus in consciousness. Those using that book titled, "The Holy Bible" as the "Word of God" to instill fear, thus feed off people, are still deeply asleep and hypnotized in a belief system--no way would I follow them. They aren't masters, and what they're serving--I wouldn't eat if my life depended on it. Back in the days when I did--they helped me pave a way to living a literal Hell on Earth. I'm done with Hell.

Yes, there are beautiful and inspiring stories in the Christian Holy Bible--I've read it entirely. I read through it like any other novel, and then I set it aside, and when I had questions or struggles with some concept or idea, I let it go--and I got outside in nature, and I walked alone. Revelations of certain passages and stories came to me seemingly out of the blue, but with a tingling and freeing warmth of pure untainted awareness. But this same thing happens when I read novels of any kind. I would not participate in Bible studies with anyone else--it departs too quickly into attempting to mentally control myself and others. I don't study literal words on paper because sometimes words get so twisted by the author's and the reader's biases and personal perceptions, and by mentally complicating things, that true clarity is lost.

Somewhere in those thousands of pages is the warning about listening to false teachers and prophets--that they'd be pointing and telling us, "Jesus Christ is over here! Jesus Christ is over there!" Those false teachers would have us looking for some superhuman, god-like being to worship who was going to show up somewhere in the world outside of oneself, and he'd only save those who believed in him. The rest were doomed--too bad, so sad...

Christ didn't return anywhere outside of me in the form of a man named Jesus--my experience of the coming of Christ was my own increasing clarity of conscious awareness. All I did to get it, was to ask for clarity. I CHOSE CLARITY. The Christ seed--that Divine spark of God is, and always has been, within me--and I finally see it and feel it. And that feels a whole lot more graceful, forgiving, all-accepting and merciful and wise than all that religious nonsense I bought into for a time. It FREED me from all those power and control games from my past--and I'm passionately excited about living a more joyfully abundant, yet benevolent, life than any I've lived before.

I read  passages in those scriptures that said that we were always to rely on the teacher within one's own heart, especially if others outside of me were spouting JUDGMENTS and PREJUDICES and IDEAS that didn't resonate within my heart. Here's what resonates within my heart:

We are ALL Children of God and Goddess/The First Source--and no one is more or less deserving than another--PERIOD!

I'm pissed at hearing self-righteous Christians making judgments that they were advised by their Jesus in their own Holy Bible NOT to do! What happened to "Love thy neighbor as thyself"? That assumes that I actually love myself first--but that's another scripture that's been screwed with up to the point where it's being taught, and believed, that it's wrong and selfish to love and put oneself first. Well, if you appreciate the wonder and value of your own existence, if you're loving yourself first and then naturally, and more easily, loving ALL OTHERS--those energy feeding fire and brimstone preaching fanatics CAN'T FEED OFF OF YOUR FEAR! Their dark and devil filled illusion-worlds will disintegrate if they can't find someone (a victim) who allows them to prey off the guilt- and fear-instilling conspiracies they're dishing out with such gusto.

I've been hearing so damn many crap suggestions urging people to judge other fellow human beings as being abominations because of their culture, religion, race or sexual orientation according some perverse idea of what some book says--a distorted idea of what "The Word of God" is--that I'm fed up to the point of just leaving and letting those choosing that old tiresome game to rip and blow themselves and their individual worlds apart like they obviously want to. They aren't looking for solutions--they want lots of drama and trauma and tragedy and "poor pitiful me" stories instead. They want to feed off the fear of others. They don't want freedom--they want POWER and control. It's pure insane superstitious nonsense, and so archaic that it astounds me that I'm still hearing it as often as I do. They supposedly love the misguided and unrighteous beings, and are leaving all that judging stuff up to their JUDGING God who's going to let the "bad" people fry in eternal hell if they don't shape up and conform--"repent." Those deep-asleep in a hypnosis Little Humans can keep their brand of warped love, thank you very much.

None of it matters to me--not really. I just have my days when I let it affect me more than others--but I am aware of that act, and I do step clear of it. Today, I just decided to let myself freely express on the subject. I know I'm not the only one with clarity--it's just that sometimes I get tired of the noisiness of all those old consciousness aspects. I feel inundated by it.

A judging and cruel Creator does NOT resonate with my heart. Judgment doesn't resonate at all--and I'm done trying to worship any god who sits in judgment.

The more consciously aware--clear--that I've become, the more benevolent, compassionate, and unconditionally loving/forgiving I've become. All my judging ways are falling to the wayside. Others can continue on in the individuals choice of whether or not to judge--but I choose to remove my presence from those situations. I've had more than my fill of those experiences, and I'm done playing judging games.

You don't have to go through a bunch of trauma and drama and guilt and shame to awaken and have more clarity. You just choose CLARITY--and then quit thinking about it and quit trying to figure out what's right or wrong--quit studying LITERAL WORDS of judgmental Little Humans. Go enjoy the GIFT that is YOUR OWN LIFE, your own existence. Clarity on whatever subject matter reveals itself at the most appropriate moment in your life. You can't plan for it or think it into being--and there's NO WRONG WAY.

Don't let yourself be convinced of having done something wrong--EVER! Blind, deep asleep Little Humans commit the dark acts--Awakened, clear and aware humans who've realized their own "I am that I am" within themselves don't. I was once blind and deeply asleep, too--and that Little Human did stuff she wished she could undo. But I love her, and I forgive her, and release her from all judgment, because she was blind and afraid, and we do some awful stuff when we feel trapped and powerless over our own lives. I gained a great deal of compassionate wisdom from the experiences of that blind human--so much so, that any attempt to judge her seems absurd now. It's pretty much synonymous with Jesus's/Yeshua's parable about the Prodigal Son.

In the Prodigal Son parable in that book, The New Testament of the Holy Bible, after the son tired of the Blind Little Human game, he returned to his home--his Divine Source, his father--and his father didn't judge him, or even chastise him, for all his waywardness. Instead, he threw the grandest feast in honor of his son's return. I think of it as his son's return to the Light of God within himself. His brother--a fellow, Blind Little Human (he was a "do-gooder who believed you had to earn your way to Heaven") tried to convince their father to judge him, but the father adamantly refused to even go there with him.

Revelation=Clarity

Revelation is what happens when you take a bottle of window cleaner and a rag to a murky, soot and mud-covered window--one that's so dirty you can hardly see any light behind it. Once you begin to wash it, things NATURALLY lighten up, you start to see through it more clearly, and potentials are REVEALED that you couldn't see before because of the previous encrusted grime. You can't choose that which you cannot perceive, but you can choose clarity--and that's where it starts. With clarity comes the revealing of new seeming potential choices. Those potentials always existed, you just couldn't see them before. It's as simple as that.

Just so you know--in the words written upon my heart--Heaven, joyful abundance in life is possible for every single being when each one chooses it. There is no judgment and there are no conditions. If there is a condition, it would be complete forgiveness and acceptance of self first, and then all others. That is completely releasing oneself from the past, and letting go of all personality and identity stories--back into the simple grace of "I am, I exist! I am that I am..."

Your World, Your Life changes when you put the "I am that I am" at the forefront of your NOW and Present Moment consciousness simply by feeling into the FREEDOM of no definition--all that matters is that "I exist! I exist!!"


Related Posts:
I am...I Exist! Wow! This--My Life--Is a Gift!

I am...I exist!...WOW! This--MY LIFE--is a Gift!

Until very recently, I used to look around at the life I'm living, and I felt imprisoned, stuck in a reality I didn't much like. I tolerated it, but it fell far short of what I would have liked to experience. It was pretty much an abundance of LACK, or an abundance of JUST ENOUGH. As for my passion for living here on Earth? It was very subdued--buried deep within instead of being at the forefront of my everyday conscious awareness. I tried to wake up in the mornings embracing the gift that I knew within that this life is for me, I tried to be excited for a brand new day of possibilities, but instead, I found myself feeling grumpy. The dreams from the night before were frustrating and often confusing--and it would take me a bit to get clear and centered. Then the days seemed to blend together as every one looked pretty much like the last. My story seemed to just trudge on--passionless and uninspired.

About ten years ago, in some of the first messages I read, I remember Tobias (an ascended master channeled by Geoff and Linda Hoppe at crimsoncircle.com) saying I was going to have to COMPLETELY let go of ALL my stories, completely LET GO of ALL of MY PAST--let go of my identity as the "Penny" personality--in order to experience my enlightenment. He told Shaumbra we were going to want to let go of some of our stories, but only a percentage of them, because we liked our stories--at least parts of them. I have to admit, I was one of those mentally thinking, "Sure! No problem! I can do that instantly. Right here! Right now!" And in the next breath, I was back playing my old familiar Penny role.

Recently, I've been listening to, over and over again the following 4 messages available through crimsoncircle.com:
1. The Abundance Clinic (a free Cloud Class)
2. The last Shoud (July, 2014) of the Discovery series (it was about Kaikho--passion)
3. The first Shoud (Aug., 2014) of the Kharisma 1 series
4. The Dreamwalk into the Crystal Caves (a $25 Cloud Class)

All are offered through the crimsoncircle.com website, library and store; and all are the messages of Adamus St.-Germain channeled through Geoff and Linda Hoppe. I realized that, in all four messages, Adamus was helping me to focus on becoming aware of my own inner passion--that it was still there no matter how tired and often frustrated I felt. That it was just a matter of being aware it was there. That all my enlightenment was done. I had already ascended in consciousness, and my dense biology was following suit, just more slowly. That the best thing I could do was relax into experiencing my transformation--to allow myself to receive it, in ease and grace by dropping all my protective armor and barriers and opening myself up to LIFE! All that mattered was simply that I exist! I needed to simply CHOOSE to release myself (without a bunch of unnecessary processing) from the old Penny identity and personality. This would fan the flames of my passion--bring it to the forefront, which is where I wanted it to be.

The abundance--in all forms, whether in health, wealth, or truly unconditional loving relationships, etc.--that I experience while embodied here on Earth is in direct proportion to my passion TO LIVE here on Earth.

That's what Adamus has been saying all along, and it resonated with me from the start. If I don't have the desire and passion to LIVE, then the energies match that radiation of mine, and all my abundance and resources match that LACK of passion.

After the shoud on passion, I remember wondering where my own passion was. I tried to call it up--to feel it--but it still felt subdued. It didn't feel like the all-enveloping and energizing passion that Adamus said it should be. I felt pretty blah--and for all the pretty words and ideas I've expressed in this blog--I suddenly felt flat.

I simply needed a reminder that that passion of the soul--my soul--is what has sustained me through all the years of being asleep in the Old Earth experiences. It's that passion that naturally had me shaken awake into awareness of myself. 

That reminder was lovingly provided by someone very dear to me, who contrasted for me how much I've passionately committed to my enlightenment all along--and how much many of those around me just dabble at this point. For years, I've been consciously applying--living and breathing--my enlightenment. The other person often falls asleep through the free Shouds with Adamus, and rarely pulls them up to listen to again or read after the initial webcast. I usually watch the webcast twice and read the text version--and I apply the insights in my everyday life. 

I explored the subject of death in order to overcome my fears surrounding it. I'm the one risking everything, and giving up everything I once thought mattered in my old Penny life. I don't see anyone else close around me with that kind of passion about exploring consciousness and changing one's life. There is just no way I would ever go back to playing that old just Little Human Penny identity out again, even though I'm profoundly grateful for her in every moment and for everything--I'd rather die than go back.

I realized that, as much as I longed for at least one other person close to me being as passionate about enlightenment as I am, I realized that I CAN'T MAKE ANYONE PASSIONATE. Each individual has to choose and commit to enlightenment on his/her own. I can't give away enlightenment--and, believe me, I've tried. I've tried to share these wonderful messages that leave me feeling more excited about my life with others--but few are actually interested. I've spent my entire life trying to reach out and connect with friends and loved ones on their level--and I always end up feeling "wanting to connect," but never really experiencing a connection.

I finally realized I have to allow myself to receive it all FIRST. To live it out for myself and let those who are interested come to me, instead of me running out to care for them in their dramatic and traumatic moments. Allow them to seek me out simply because I exist, and they like that I'm here. I finally realized I don't have to be anything or do anything for anyone. I don't have to effort at being. I exist! And that is a gift. I AM a GIFT!...and I see everyone's life as such--I pretty much always have.


Love and Grace

Long before I ever heard of channeling, I remember having the profound realization that no matter what stories and atrocities were being acted out on the surface of things, that underneath it all, always present, was the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and FORGIVING GRACE we all had for ourselves and each other. I knew we were role-playing--acting out all kinds of identities and stories together. I even channeled that in the music I wrote:

...Little One--at last you're free!
Little One, come and dance with me!
It's all right. You've let your stories be told,
And in the Light of Day, BEHOLD:
You're a wonder!
Life's a Gift--
A celebration of ALL that IS!
Though you stumble, though you fall--
When it all is said and done,
All there is--Is LOVE!


I...am! I exist!

Penny didn't see herself as spiritually gifted or exceptionally talented in anything. She dabbled in tangents, and even though she knew she could be successful in the old consciousness realities, she just couldn't seem to summon up enough passion to stay committed to seeing any of it through. None of it mattered enough--not the awards, recognition, fame, status, goals.

She envied those who seemed to have spiritual gifts and abilities because she felt so ordinary--she didn't seem to have any. She cried way too easily--much to her embarrassment. And when it came to talking, she had difficulty expressing herself--she'd leave sentences dangling because she lost her train of thought as she worried about being rejected by whomever she was conversing with. Her words would just peter out as self-doubt barrelled in--she often felt unworthy and incapable of saying anything of substance, much less worthy of having anyone actually listen to her. Yeah, in that old high school graduation speech that she blundered and, of course, bawled through, about her life's dream being that of a lighthouse shining a light--it didn't seem to be amounting to much at all. She was just stuck with being an ordinary Little Human. God, it was miserable and boring and hopeless feeling.

Back in my "searching for God-I'm a Christian (I think)" days, someone advised me to pray for whatever I wanted through Christ--"in the name of Christ". To ask for something in the name of is the same as to ask for something in the same nature as. Well, at the time, I wanted to know "God" better, and I can't specifically recall how I worded it (doesn't really matter anyway), but I was lying on the sofa facing the sun in the west, with my eyes closed and I made my request in the name of Christ. It would take me decades to realize that it wasn't the man or superhuman, Jesus Christ, that I had opened up to--it was the CHRIST CONSCIOUSNESS in ME!

As a result, I had an experience that was kind of cool, but it wasn't as kick-ass as I'd like to have thought at the time that a spiritual revelation should be. There were no golden angels, Jesus didn't show up, and I didn't have any conversations with "God." I kind of wrote it off as maybe it was something, but maybe it was just wishful thinking. I seemed to connect with the sun and whoosh at warp, or light-speed, through a vortex of cool flames. I could feel the pressure on my skull. But I didn't arrive anywhere grand. I popped into gray mist--lots of gray nothingness with an occasional bubble flowing through. I was aware of myself--but I had no body. I was at ease--it was peaceful. I was just awareness.

Just a few days ago, I realized I had, in fact, met my own divinity--my I am that I am. I met that part of me that had traveled through the Wall of Fire and emerged realizing that I was aware that I exist--and that's something to feel passionate about. What a GIFT--I exist!

Tobias and Adamus have always said that though we longed to return to our Original Source--the actual reality of going back to what was prior to all this experience in a human form would seem colorless and blah. There was no going back Home. It was a matter of consciously inviting HOME/my Divinity to be here where I am.

This morning, as I sipped my cappuccino while reconnecting with my "I am!"--I noticed what a colorful and textured contrast this reality (my body, the furniture, my cats, the living room and dining room, and the yard outside) was to that gray mist reality-void with a few bubbles floating through that I first experienced upon erupting through the Wall of Fire in that interdimensional journey that day. Granted, I felt at peace in those misty moments, but what a colorful and SENSUAL ARRAY of possibilities that experience in this Earth reality IS! What an amazing gift to have a human form to play in it in!

I finally more fully understand, and truly appreciate, what an accomplishment it was to densify ourselves enough, to lower our vibrations enough in order to have these sensual and tangible Human Being experiences of ourselves. What it must have taken to create all of this out of blah gray mist and a simple awareness that I exist. It's just one big WOW!!! And now, I choose to REALLY ENJOY the inherent abundance of it all--to allow it to manifest in ease and grace. To let myself enjoy the surprise, the gift that life is!

More and more each day I'm losing Penny--her personality--and finding ME! Since recalling that interdimensional experience, I'm more at peace in releasing her. I'll always exist, no matter what. This is all just an amazing act. What I once thought of as being rather sad--losing my Little Human Penny identity--I'm discovering is really FREEING. I no longer have to try to monitor and protect and uphold the Penny persona--she tried so damned hard to perfect herself, her humanity. Even as I write that and remember her, I feel my breathing get harder, my chest heavy with all that efforting and angst and strife. IN LOVE, I release her and integrate her into MY BODY of CONSCIOUSNESS.

I am Human and Divinity and Wisdom integrated as one body of consciousness--no more pretending that we're separate. Penny can rest in peace now...and I can NOW consciously allow myself a passionately joyful existence. I am! I am always in existence and alive, but now I'm truly LIVING!


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The True "Word of God" Is Written Upon YOUR Heart

I Don't Have Issues

I don't have issues...

There is NOTHING WRONG with me!

I am doing NOTHING WRONG! 

No one, nothing outside of me, is doing anything WRONG! I am the one who chose to hold energies for others--they didn't force them on me--they couldn't, unless some aspect of me chose to play the game with them.

All the pain I've been experiencing--for example, lower back and leg pain--is NOT MINE!...Take a deep breath, Pen...

All the issues I've been trying to "fix"--for example, Bella peeing on rugs--are NOT MINE!...Take a deep breath, Pen...

I am CONSCIOUSNESS and ENERGY SENSITIVE!

The energies and consciousness of large crowds of people used to literally physically stop me in my tracks. I couldn't step forward unless I closed my eyes and took a deep, center-in-myself breath. It used to be emotionally overwhelming, as well. About 97 percent of what we humans--all humans--feel and think is not our own consciousness. We're all connected--it's why we don't need words to communicate with one another--not really.

So...I have been FEELING the bombardment of all the chaotic changing energies as if they were ALL MINE. Little Human Penny has been THINKING that it all was something wrong with me, because I felt it all so personally. Little Human Penny, stuck in a twisted and complex mental rut, kept wondering and wandering in a circle, believing I was doing something wrong and "trying to figure out a solution"--or feelingly believing that I just had to put up with it...

Simply put: EVERYTHING health wise and relationship-wise that I've been experiencing and feeling IS NOT MY STUFF! I am energy sensitive. I NO LONGER CLAIM it as my own! I have NOTHING to fix, analyze, judge or handle. I have nothing to think about!

If it's in my life, I put it there. If it's still in my life, even though I don't like it, I'm benefiting from it...so...HOW am I using it to serve me?

In the past, Little Human Penny used pain as a means to ALLOW herself to quit trying to be of SERVICE in the old way--which was handing herself over as a main course for others to energetically feed off her. Being in too much pain to take care of others (remember the flood of 2011--she couldn't even walk) was easier for her to do than it was to simply say, "No."

Years ago, after the death of my first boyfriend, when I felt the most worthless, I used taking care of others outside of me as my sole purpose in being alive...and that's been a really tough habit to break. A person risks being rejected by loved ones for saying such things as, "No."

It's a difficult shift to make, even when, deep-down, I've known that if I'm always there to pick up the pieces when someone has CHOSEN (on some level) to stumble and fall in an experience, that I'm not ALLOWING that person to discover himself/herself. Sometimes the greatest honoring and most compassionate SERVICE is to just let it all go...even though I probably look like a heartless bitch...even though my loved one might not understand where I'm coming from.

I am much better at saying, "No," without needing an excuse for myself, with myself. I no longer need the pain in order to do so. The misery and lack of joy in life that I feel is NOT MINE!

I am consciousness and energy SENSITIVE...

...and I TRULY KNOW that All is well in All of Creation...

Do you feel all mushy, too, Fellow Caterpillar?

Don't worry about turning physically mushy, or forgetting what you were saying or doing just a moment ago, or the fact that some days you just can't seem to function like you used to. Because--my friends and fellow sovereigns--it's TEMPORARY! We're all transforming into the human versions of butterflies--we're integrating our LIGHT BODIES.

It's an amazing, naturally-occurring experience to live through--and because I'm aware of it happening, I'm choosing to allow this monumental change to happen with as much ease and grace as I can without mentally and emotionally getting in my own way. Without judging that something is "wrong" with me.

At least, it's temporary if you feelingly believe it's temporary. If you choose to believe whatever you have going on is a permanent state of being--then permanent it will be, specifically and lovingly, in honor of YOU and your conscious, or unconscious, choice! Yes, my loves--YOU, and only you, have that kind of influence on your life!

It's sometimes scary and disconcerting, though, when you're accustomed to looking and feeling a certain way, and following certain rules--when, suddenly, you don't look the same, and the old tried and true rules like diet and exercise and medicines or therapies and treatments don't create the expected outcomes anymore. 

In my case, I manifested a belly--and for the first time in my life, clothes aren't fitting. It doesn't matter what or when I eat or how many belly-reduction exercises I try. I'm fit otherwise--and I walk with ease, but I don't bend too well. My husband, who is a few years older than me, is having the same bewildering thing going on at the same time. I do know it will pass, but it's not fun--and I don't feel or look as slender as I'm accustomed to being. Some days, I just have to hug myself with love and unconditional acceptance and encouragement instead of looking in the mirror--we humans are so deeply programmed to look into that mirror with nothing but judgment.

In the interim, I bought some yoga pants and active wear clothing that allow me to move more easily. I'm able to garden, and being outdoors with nature helps me breathe more deeply and flow my energies. I know I'm okay, and I'm not worried. This, too, shall pass. I know my body knows how to balance itself naturally and I've been choosing more and more each day to let go of trying to fix things I "think" are "wrong" with my body, and instead, ALLOW it to do its thing--this incredible transformation--in the most graceful and easy way possible. Worry and self-doubt only muck up the process. Instead, I view both myself and my husband as being pregnant with our own new consciousness body--it helps. Ha!

Adamus Saint-Germain reminded us in the May Shoud of 2014 to just breathe all that energy in--to not discriminate the dark energies from the light--and that helped me open up and just breathe EVERYTHING in! It loosened me up. So I'm currently breathing in, accepting my chubby-feeling belly in place of holding my breath, trying to suck it in.

After Adamus worked with us, during this most recent June Crimson Circle Shoud (2014), with just ALLOWING one's LIGHT BODY to integrate, I've felt myself shift open even more. It doesn't matter what I eat or drink, or whether or how I exercise anymore--I'm feeling more FREE to simply ENJOY LIVING.

I recently endured 2 months of misery with my body temperature zinging from cold and clammy one moment, to hot and steamy, the next. I experienced warmth in the heel of my right foot at the same time. Thankfully, thankfully, THANKFULLY, those symptoms passed--and I'm grateful to be done with them. Can you tell? It seems I had to dive in and experience the old menopause consciousness paradigm. 

Any Shaumbra and lightworkers reading this will know that there were some amazing energies coming in and shaking things up in April through the entire month of May this year (2014). Even this month of June has had its fair share of energies flying in and out, and being felt all over the place.

Yes, I recently turned fifty--and I don't give a crap whether someone thinks I'm menopausal or not. I choose to not commiserate with anyone else over it. I may or may not be menopausal--but it DOESN'T MATTER TO ME, either way. And not worrying about it is what makes the difference. After all that bleeding, who needs it? My husband finds me easier to live with now, probably, more than ever.

Someday, those periods which we women have had to be embarrassed with due to that sexual energy virus running the show, will be a part of our biological past. We won't need to shed blood in order to reproduce, though it may take awhile to become our reality.

A lot of people have made age 50 a benchmark of sorts for our biology to really start falling apart. We're taught that our cells quit rejuvenating, and instead, start aging and getting stiff, and dying off, never to be replaced. I've observed others around me creating certain issues with their bodies because of beliefs they've made their truth about what happens at certain ages--everything from 30 to 80. It becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.

I had an aunt who told me that her husband used to tell her, based on his own experience, that once you turned 80, your health went all to hell. She adamantly believed it to be true, and sure enough, when she turned 80, she began having health issues up the wa-zoo. Prior to all of that, this was a woman who was joyfully climbing ladders to paint the eaves on her house and mowing ten acres of lawn and shoveling her own walk. After she turned 80, every time we talked, I was given a rundown of her latest malady.

Look at what happens to that caterpillar who was once a sleek and green, plant-eating machine: She grows sluggish, falls apart until she's mush, and then one day, awakens, and emerges from that dead-looking, petrified prison of a cocoon only to discover she looks nothing like the identity she was accustomed to being. She has a completely new body that is much more colorful. She feeds differently, utilizes energy differently and moves differently--she flies!

I'm thinking that caterpillar had to experience some pain and frustration in the transmutation process. Many humans start going to the doctor or some health practitioner when they experience either body changes and symptoms out of the ordinary, or when they have symptoms that match what they've been told, and believe, are what happens when you reach a certain age, or if you do something wrong. They go into a type of fear. In short, they believe something is wrong with them. 

Because of the EMOTIONAL reaction to that MENTAL JUDGMENT--"Some thing's wrong with me"--a reality story is manifested that matches that radiated conscious belief. And it's off and running...

I did that, too, early on, because it was deeply ingrained in our human consciousness that that was just how you do it. But after so many visits to health care professionals and trying various remedies and treatment flavors of the day, I began to notice that if I did walk away with a diagnosis, I had a tendency to focus and dwell on it, and I watched as I made the story of my life surrounding that diagnosis and treatment turn into a larger and more dense reality. I gave someone or something else power over my life. I built a symptom or two into a huge story to experience and explore--and my fear surrounding death and pain and permanent disease were the biggest building blocks. I created something of a reality prison for myself. I got stuck in a reality I knew I created and I couldn't quite figure out how to release myself from it.

I tried fighting the diagnosed illness--and that just made the disease story grow even bigger.

I tried various treatments ranging from diet and food monitoring to herbs, exercises and other alternative healing modalities--but in the end, I realized I was giving my power away to someone or something outside of myself. And that didn't jibe with what I KNEW to be true WITHIN myself. It felt like a never-ending game of the latest and greatest fad.

I tried ignoring it--but that didn't work either. Sometimes the pain would slap me extra hard just to get me to realize that trying to avoid something was still focusing my attention on it enough to keep manifesting it in my reality. I had to learn to let go of trying to control and manipulate, and, instead, simply just BREATHE it in, FEEL IT, and EXPLORE the experience, instead of trying to deny it.

Just BREATHE and DRINK it all in--BREATHE in that pain! Drink it in. OPEN UP and BREATHE it all deep down into your belly. EXPLORE it and FEEL it all. It doesn't matter if it's dark energy or light energy--it's all energy serving YOU! 

If you keep the energies easily flowing through you simply by breathing it all in and keeping your personal energy field open--ALLOWING--you're allowing the energies to NATURALLY neutralize, and you're creating an easier reality for yourself to be in.

If you breathe shallowly (only into your lungs/chest), you put up defensive energy barriers around you  If you're closed in tight in protective mode--that's what you, the source and center of your created world, is radiating out from your conscious awareness; and the energies that serve you, unconditionally, match themselves to that radiation: They manifest as something for you to defend against.

I have moments and days just like those of the seemingly-dying caterpillar. Sometimes I forget names or what I'm saying mid-sentence, or I forget what I had planned to do a moment ago. 

I read with ease all the time, but the last few years, I've noticed that whenever I write checks to pay the monthly bills, it's all just one big blur--every single check I write. I've realized I've been drawing on my own PERSONAL and UNLIMITED field of abundant energy. I'm accessing dimensions that I didn't know were there before--and the blurring is helping me recognize that. I haven't broke out in a sweat over keeping the bills paid for quite a few years now. The money is just there, without me worrying over whether or not I have enough. It's simply there as I need it in the moment. I'm no longer trying to control and monitor its flow by balancing the checkbook the way I was taught in school. I know most financial planners would call me crazy--that I'm not being logical or "realistic"--but it's working for me.

I feel especially sensitive to the energies all around me. Sometimes I feel a tearful, grieving feeling that has nothing to do with what I have going on personally. This morning I feel drowsy, and there are storms building in the area. I took my morning walk just to breathe it all deeply in and through. I may still lie down for a nap, or not. I seem to be writing here instead--something I hadn't planned on doing. I don't generally sleep an entire 6-8 hours in a row at night anymore. I haven't done so for many years--it's usually in chunks of a 1-3 hour span of sound sleep, if I do. Throughout the night, I get up and use the bathroom, and stretch if I'm in pain. One thing I have noticed, though, is that it doesn't matter if I toss and turn an entire night with aches and pains at times--I still generally get up in the mornings feeling rested. 

Several years ago, in the early days of my awakening self-awareness, that wasn't the case--I used to wake up so exhausted I'd fall asleep again for a few hours. I was dizzy, my heart would race off, and it was all I could do to simply function.

There's a whole lot of change going on in this world and with our bodies, and I see so many people worried about those body symptoms. We're free to experience them and address them as each individual chooses--but maybe it doesn't hurt to keep in mind that all this change, all these symptoms are just TEMPORARY. And does it hurt to consider that something beautiful is maybe emerging in you, rather than something tragic and traumatic? The choice is ultimately yours...

Yes! There IS Life after Death

Yes, life continues on after death, but you have to open up your heart and your mind to the possibility, first.


Life is eternal. Death is just changing from one form to another.


Love lets go--completely!

You have to be willing to completely let go of everything and everyone. SET YOUR CREATIONS--all of your characters--FREE. Leave not one single string or strand attached. Totally let them all go--so they can freely return to you in a grander way.

Several months after our cat, Molly, died (after I'd come to the conclusion on my own that there was a good purpose in the whole experience for me), a woman told Adamus Saint-Germain that she'd also recently experienced the loss of her pet, and that she was having a difficult time with it. Adamus responded by asking her if she could completely release her pet, so that the pet could return to her in a far grander manner than what either of them had experienced before. His response matched my own conclusions surrounding Molly, and later, Max. I just had to constantly remind myself to stay open to new possibilities, especially when surrounded by the consciousness of those journeying through the loss of their own loved ones in the old, established traditional ways.

A great deal of energy--in forms such as efforting and finance--is expended, and copious acres of precious land are used up, by our determination to hang onto our past creations and roles--our loved ones. Take a realistic look at how much overall energy we direct to trying to handle, control and even avoid death--which, thankfully, is a sure thing for all of us at some point here on earth. When we try to preserve bodies through embalming, or cryogenically freezing them for re-animation at a later date, etc., we're not giving our creations freedom. We're keeping them entombed in a dead, imprisoned, stagnant and unnatural state of being.

It's why cremation, in my old energy consciousness, was my chosen form for dealing with my corpse, if I happened to leave one behind. Fire transmutes--it sets us free of our old physical state of being, and ashes don't litter the earth or carry diseases. Cremation, after a physical death, allows us to later return to embodiment on this earth, free and clear of all of our old stories and identities. We can still visit them--our pasts--but we're no longer stuck in stories that we don't desire to be in. Look at all the land filled with corpses--cemeteries no longer usable for any other resource except storage of the dead. I appreciate and love history, but I don't think we need to preserve it in such a way that it crowds out the living of life in the right now moment.

And I'm truly finally seeing the extremely strong possibility that we don't have to leave physical bodies behind anymore for disposal. And that, yes, there is a gift in Death. But in order to see it, embrace it, and start a new conscious--and different--experience of it, I'm going to have to first be completely HONEST about my perceptions and experiences and feelings surrounding it.

In order to clear the way, make room for, the brand new, I'm going to have to let go of a lot of old suggested ideas (ages-old) about "this is how you experience death"--which are that you're basically supposed to grieve and feel like shit.

In the past, I mourned my loss. I mourned what happened. I mourned what could have been, and wasn't. I mourned what could no longer be. I'm depressed just re-visiting the feeling of those prior statements.

In place of the grieving, how about celebrating and toasting the human character role that was played so convincingly well--the dark and the light aspects--by a spirit choosing to be temporarily incarnate in an earthly biology/body for the sole purpose of  expressing, experiencing and discovering oneself, while in the company of others on like journeys? For the joy of experiencing reality in such a profoundly sensual way, unequalled by any other? How about allowing myself to interact with the spirit of the departed right here, right now--regardless of their form, and my form of being?

With an expanded consciousness, there becomes enough room on this planet for all, when we realize that we are free to embody and leave scenes and settings/stages in a manner beyond the old 3-D time and space. When we can slip in and out of our bodies at will, never leaving behind a corpse for anyone to have to bury, burn or dispose of--the earth is free of a bunch of old bones--and sorrows. Elijah, of the Old Testament, did this. Kuthumi Lal Singh--a self-master--did this. I've been writing all about role-playing, knowing that's what I've been doing all along. It's just that I hadn't quite put it together this way with death. Death has been a fearful and traumatic and sticky issue for me.

I recently more fully realized this about death, after spending a few hours this spring working in our yard--it hasn't been easy. I can walk miles lately, pain-free, and with ease and joy. Three years ago, I had to temporarily give up walking because of lower back and leg pain.

This transformation into a brand-new light body, from the DNA out into the entirety of my physical biology, has been quite an experience. There has been joy and enlightenment, and there has been pain and discomfort, frustration and consternation. Lately--my body temperature zings from cold and clammy to hot and sweaty in an instant, and then back again in the next moment. My right heel gets really warm sometimes. I get the odd pains in my feet and legs--often it's in the middle of the night when I'd like to be zonked out sleeping. I've had psoriasis patches (some that lasted for years, others for months) that have finally faded. Occasionally, I'll awaken with some pains in my stomach or sides--but they pass after I take a few deep breaths, and calm and reassure myself that I'm okay, it's just my body changing.

Old mindsets like to call the temperature swings menopause, and while I am chronologically 50 years here, I'm also aware that men are experiencing this symptom as much as women are. The entire biology of humanity is changing, regardless of what people want to call it. I don't care what someone else chooses to call it--for me, it's simply enough that I am changing on all levels. All my old identities and stories and obsolete biology and beliefs are simply dying--only this time around I'm staying incarnate, very much alive, on the planet while it's happening.

I've regained my ability to walk, but I still find it difficult to squat, bend, or kneel to garden. It's changing the positions that is challenging. An hour or two spent clearing all the old plant debris (last year's carcasses) away, and disposing of it, has left me hurting for hours afterward--and it's caused me to reflect on death, and how difficult I have made it be for myself.

This whole death thing has to be easier, disease-free, trauma-free, and tragedy-free. And there has to be a way to quickly and easily and freely transmute our bodies when we desire to let go of playing a certain character role--whether temporarily or permanently. Adamus and Tobias have told about freely stepping in and out of a physical bodily form, in order to interact with humans (ascended masters who took their energetic bodies with them on leaving physicality are supposedly able to do this). But they said that it was hard to stay incarnate in their own energetic body longer than a few days when in the old human consciousness reality prior to 2012. *(This is different than channeling, where a cooperative human consciously chooses to step aside to allow a spiritual entity, or higher self, the use of their body temporarily as a method of communicating with humans). The post 2012 consciousness energies are supposed to support our ability to more easily do that--but our bodies and minds need to upgrade, make a shift in biology--in order to be able to do it, and that is what is taking time.

It's been challenging for me to step out and stay clear while still living in the old, very prolifically dense, consciousness surrounding death--I've been afraid that people will think I'm cold-hearted and uncaring. But I can't control how others perceive me, and I've finally realized that it's more important to me to get a better understanding of death, and to go beyond it, than it is to be on any one's "favorites" list.

When I first saw my 23-year-old boyfriend's corpse lying in that casket, my impression was that he was no longer there. I had the distinct feeling that I was looking at a cold, lifeless shell, no matter how much make-up the mortician sympathetically applied, no matter how fine his clothing, or elaborate the coffin and the flowers surrounding him--it just really didn't look, or more importantly, feel, like him. It was missing his animation, his breath. He was gone--there was no life, no light, no real sense of who he was, no spirit left in that empty husk.

And when I attended his funeral, I didn't really get any comfort from the sermon--those were just words and verses repeated, and music played for every one's funerals. They added in a few personal anecdotes, but the rest was pretty standard stuff. I stood there with my parents, feeling all alone, though I was surrounded by people--the church was full. I cried and I felt eyes watching me. I just wanted to be by myself, and I also wanted to be held--two totally opposite things, but that's how I felt, nonetheless.

In the days following, I sensed and heard other's expectations about how a grieving girlfriend should comport and handle herself. I believed that maybe I should no longer enjoy my own life; and I gave in to those--my--perceived expectations, and I let self-doubt, and unworthiness in being, permeate me entirely. I blamed myself for his death, believing that maybe if I hadn't taken him for granted, been a better person, then maybe he wouldn't have had to die. I immersed myself completely in experiencing what it was like to be a blind-to-who-I-really-am human journeying through a tragedy of losing someone I cared for to that scary thing called Death.

I've been immersed in it for over thirty years. It's about time I allowed myself full clarity and full expression on the subject...and so it is. Don't pity me my old story, because I chose to go through it in order to gain extensive wisdom on the subject--and I'm doing well, and so is the spirit/soul who played the part of my boyfriend. It's all good--truly it is.

Over-population and depletion of the Earth's natural and abundant resources, and beauty, are no longer issues when humans can consciously come and go in flowing and flexible bodily forms. We no longer have to rely on the old destructive atrocities like war, disease, famine, hunting or genocide as means of trying to control population growth of any entity or being, whether it be human, animal or plant. Survival of the fittest just becomes obsolete...there is benevolent room for all of us...

It's a brand new world, with a brand new way of playing together, even playing together harmoniously while in total freedom...

For starters, you just have to open up to the possibility that it's true...and then change what you practice...

P.S. The definition of INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome.

"I DESERVE to be treated with Loving Kindness": Releasing Oneself from Abuse

If I am continuing to experience abuse, it's because I am allowing it. Something, some ASPECT inside of me is yammering at me that I deserve the abuse, that I am UNWORTHY of grace and ease.


"No! Stop!"--Say it and mean it! No IFs or BUTs. 

"I deserve to be treated with kindness--with the kindness I so freely extend to you."

State the above like the owner and master of your own life--not like a whiny victim having a tantrum because she/he didn't get what she wanted the first, second or twentieth time. OLD ENERGY DIES HARD, and this I am an unworthy human aspect consciousness has been in place for millennia. If you can recognize and acknowledge this SELF-DOUBT FEELING inside of you, you'll feel more freedom of being and breathing--but you're going to open yourself up to drawing experiences to you where you get to PRACTICE over and over and over again setting this BOUNDARY of LOVE for yourself, and stating in such a manner that brooks no argument:

"I deserve to be treated with kindness. I deserve grace and ease."

It DOES NOT MATTER if I played a dark role in my past (even if my past is as recent as my previous breath), because I AM brand new with each and every breath, RIGHT NOW. I am, I exist ONLY in the present moment--and I DESERVE kindness. I can't tell you the number of times someone has told me that a person they were mad at (whether it was herself or another) didn't deserve to be acknowledged or praised for a kind act. That person was focused on living in the past, being UNFORGIVING, and not opening her heart or mind to starting over right now, with a fresh clean slate and breath.

Thanks to all the parts played out with love, and in service to me, I finally got clarity and gained insight into how to more consciously create the reality I desire to experience:

To the friend who provoked me to honest, messy, heart-racing expression of myself during our phone conversation.

To the sleeping-blind people who twisted religious ideas to match their prejudices, their self-righteous acts, and their choices to perpetuate fighting, and getting even, rather than to seek a win-win resolution.

To my itty-bitty naughty, peeing kitty--Bella.

To Adamus Saint-Germain, who reminded me to put no cause, person, or being before ME--no matter how uncomfortably selfish it feels to do that. 

And who helped me remember I am just passing through the realm of all these experiences, and that NO ONE is judging my performance--there is no higher or greater being that is judging me. The Source of All that Is does not judge any of us. No one is critiquing whether I'm doing it "right" or "wrong"--judgment is exercised only by blind humans who forgot who they are.

And to Lee Harris, whose channels reminded me that LOVE SETS BOUNDARIES.



I deserve loving kindness...

Close your eyes. Place your hand on your stomach, inhale a breath through your nose, drawing it so deeply into your belly that it pushes your hand up as your diaphragm inflates, and then exhale the breath out your mouth and feel your hand drop with the release of the air. Say, "I deserve loving kindness." Breathe again. Repeat, "I deserve kindness." Breathe again. Breathe and repeat the line until you FEEL the tightness within let loose.

I deliberately used the word "deserve" instead of "choose" in my statement above, because I realized that when I tested using the word "choose"--I felt a waffling hint of self-doubt, a questioning of my worthiness, creeping in with it. "Do I deserve this?"

When I use "deserve"--I feel firm and balanced in myself, and unwavering in my stated desire. I left no room for self-doubt. Self-doubt quickly distorts the best of intentions and creations.

A few months ago, Adamus shared with us the fact that the success rate of creating what we consciously want is usually about 18 percent. That left a lot of room for botched creations--I think three years of trying to deal with cat pee pretty much exemplifies that challenge to take responsibility and to keep making choices until I create what I actually want, in place of whining like a victim when it doesn't happen the way I expected the first, or fifty, time/s. The master, through trial and error, keeps immersing and HONESTLY feeling into her created experiences, and then adjusts making choices from the insights and wisdom gained from them. Wisdom is ALWAYS gained in every experience.

I also realized how important it is to set BOUNDARIES of LOVE. A loving parent generally won't allow her child to beat on her. A loving parent sets boundaries. If we give in to naughty tantrums, we just encourage more of them. It's as important to stand firmly in saying "No" as it is in saying "Yes".

From my cats (my version of kids), I discovered how important it is to FEEL that I DESERVE to be treated with the love and kindness and honor with which I so freely extend to them, and to pretty much everyone who enters my home or my life, in general. I listen with an open heart--I deserve to be listened to with open hearts.

All of this has more to do with standing up within myself, for myself, than anything or anyone outside of me. All those others outside of me are just playing out the roles and scenes I scripted them to play FOR me. Our programmed human minds and mass consciousness are dense with the concept that we humans are unworthy beings "born in sin." That we must prove ourselves worthy of being through our good deeds. I can't seem to turn any direction without self doubt berating me, questioning whether or not I'm being selfish and wrong. It's paralyzing. That unworthy sinner aspect within myself kept me allowing others to abuse me.

The religious "born in sin" idea gets used as an excuse to treat ourselves and others abusively. I don't excuse someone for being mean just because he's drunk too much alcohol--he wanted to be abusive, and simply used being drunk as an excuse to play that role. Likewise, I don't excuse someone who abuses another because "they were born sinners and can't be held responsible for harming themselves or others." Running from accepting full self-responsibility for ALL of one's life experiences just keeps the sexual energy virus in play. The victim abuses as much as the initial abuser if I continue to play victim--after awhile, you can no longer discern one from the other.

Calling something a disease or an addiction--whether it be obesity, alcoholism, sexual abuse, drug abuse, etc.--seems to give humans the excuse to perpetuate their own miserable treatment of themselves and others, and their expected mistreatment by others. Calling something a disease seems to give humans an excuse to not accept full responsibility for her own gift of a life. It seems to perpetuate the "I am a poor victim--that's just how it is" consciousness. And that story never ends. People play with fighting the so-called disease instead of addressing the core energy of it all which is, "Do I even like myself enough to allow myself to receive joyful abundance in life with ease and grace?--Do I deserve to live?"

How do I respect and honor another being's sovereignty and freedom, and my own simultaneously? I discovered I do that by setting boundaries around the treatment of myself. If two cannot agree to play together with mutual respect and kindness--then, in the interest of living harmoniously on the same planet, we should leave each other's presence, go our separate ways--no harm, no foul, no trying to control or manipulate or have power over the other.

I'm not sure what all I've written here. I think the most important point though, is the realization that I deserve to be treated with kindness--and to expect that, always. I'm a huge proponent of using "I choose" statements, but in this case, I felt myself waffling within, so I chose another approach this time around.

Try it out. Close your eyes and say out loud, "I choose to be treated with kindness." Do you feel a bit of wavering, I'm-not-worthy, self-doubt creep in, too? I heard, and felt, my mind yammering at me, "BUT there were these times when you did these bad things, Penny...I was so wrong...so I can choose all I want, but I might not get it because I don't deserve it, blah, blah, blah..."

Now try the same thing using "I deserve" instead. "I deserve to be treated with kindness." State it as a FACT--don't question or doubt your worthiness of receiving simple straightforward kindness. It feels firm and master-y to me. I feel myself setting loving boundaries when I say "I deserve" without using the whiny victim tone. And most importantly--it feels both freeing and respectful...and that's the way I like to play this game we call Life.

Namaste!