The Greatest Fear of All: Being All Alone

 What if I am all there is?

I really thought that 199th post was my last one here. But since then, I've had a realization that being afraid of being alone is probably what got me into this whole mess in the first place. It's what got me down here on Earth pretending that I'm just a very limited little human for what's been eons of an illusion called time. I've realized that this one on ultimately feeling All Alone should actually be the final post, rounding the blog out to an even 200....

Realizing I'm all there is, realizing I can't go Home, is pretty much what I've been running from....

As I've said many times before, I've felt like I've been an observer most of my life--always on the outside looking in, not really belonging, not even really noticed by the rest of my world around me unless I could be used as a means to an end in some agenda. 

I realize that's pretty much how my divine facet--my own soul--must have felt when The Experiencer part of me forgot it was there. When I believed I was just some very-limited, little human speck trying to survive. And trying to be at least half-ways decent in the process.

All those lifetimes spent trying to make myself perfect for some entity out there I presumed was greater than myself. Back when I didn't realize my own soul was right here the whole time waiting for me to just reach that point of separation and naturally wake up from the I'm Just a Little Human Dream....

Q: "Who am I?"

A: I was whooshed through a tunnel of light and non-burning flame, pressure on my head, hair streaming behind me, and felt myself emerge into nothingness--a misty, gray void where I was aware of being, but I was formless as I "looked outward" into a vast space. I seemed to be the only one here, yet I wasn't afraid. Finally, I perceived a tiny bubble passing through....and then, a few more...

I have watched people around me seeking a mate, a best friend, or some group of people--a family, a circle of friends, a spiritual or religious organization, political party, business, etc.--with whom they felt a sense of belonging, of BEING SEEN as an important part to the larger whole. It was so damn easy to recognize this struggle in someone else and yet refuse to look at myself. Frankly, I was actually wanting the exact same thing all those others were. I just couldn't quite admit it to myself....

No matter how loosely formed a group is, the Sexual Energy Virus is going to sneak in there because of our natural tendency to focus on the outer world and try to manage it. That's what's happening within any group....

There is a group focused on consciousness that, for the most part, I felt was a safe and sacred space to be most of the time. But there have been a few moments through all the years I've connected with them where I felt unappreciated--actually unnoticed even--as the individual that I am. 

Being the cheerleader of everyone else out there and ultimately still feeling insignificant, unacknowledged, completely unseen....

I'd feel sincerely grateful and cheer the leading individuals in this organization on when something they did or said really resonated with me--and it often did, and was right in line with my own realizations of the moment--but my personal efforts of reaching out one-to-one was never reciprocated. I'd constantly tell myself it didn't matter, that being noticed wasn't my reason for reaching out....and....it actually did matter to me, and being noticed was at least one reason.... 

What I got for my financial and energetic support and my personal notes of thanks was an autographed Christmas card sent out en masse and a couple special channels for all of us as a group who donated on a recurring, scheduled monthly basis. I recognized that in the consciousness we were in, they needed the finances from donations and workshops to provide their special services to a growing number of people awakening around the world--and I fully supported that. I still do. But ultimately, it still lacked the personal fellowship I was looking for.

We humans want to both belong....and....

to be outstanding in that....

In retrospect, I see now that all I was ever seeking was meaningful personal interactions, and, realistically, the organization was never set up to be every individual's best friend. Their mission was always that of just letting all of us humans know we weren't alone, in that, while we each were lone, sovereign creator beings basically in our own worlds, there were others like us out there. 

Humans try everything in the book to see if we actually matter to anyone else in the world out there. We get sick--even chronically or terminally so--just to see if someone cares. And if someone actually does, it's strangely not enough either. Or those caregivers seem to get mad at you because of having to take time out to wait on you instead of living their own life. Go figure....

We bully and abuse others and we let ourselves be abused just to get some attention. We look for someone to commiserate with who has the same type of story going. Only they could possibly have a semblance of an understanding of what we're going through. But after awhile, even that gets old--at least, all of it does for me.

Social media "friendships"--it's turned out I can pretty much live happily without them....

The friendship I extended to some individuals on social media sites seemed to actually mean nothing to them. I seldom, if ever, got a response back from some of them, or if they did respond, it ended up being spam. 

I'd probably have more interaction with people if I invited more than the handful I currently have to be my friends. I just got so fed up with the whole social media experience by the time we got to the end of 2020, that I cancelled my accounts. I got picky about inviting too many followers when I rejoined Twitter (now X), when Musk bought it and made Free Speech the basis of its platform. I paid for a blue check to make my blog a bit more visible on X, to let myself say and publish whatever I want to say, but that's pretty much all it gets used for these days. For that, and for keeping an eye on the events of the world without getting too involved in any of it.

I left Facebook because it was all ads, biased narratives, and agenda-ridden; and it was used to provoke fights among friends and family. I watched as it was used as a platform to divide a nation, and a world. 

There were a couple people on there I once thought were actual friends, who never responded to my supportive or appreciative comments on their postings. The one-time interaction one of them had with me was to comment on my posting about the censoring of free speech. He said, "I don't know why people are so upset about 'facts.'" This, after another supposed mutual friend of ours turned me into FB's "fact-checking" fascists. 

Yep, that experience still rankles....You're sitting down visiting with your friends, having coffee--who invites a third party in to regulate and biasedly "fact-check" your conversation according to an opinion out there? Some friendship that is. That was started simply to divide and conquer, and I watched way too many people get sucked into ruining friendships. I haven't cared to interact with those individuals ever again. 

So much for social media being used to connect a world....some people just want to fight and argue and don't care about actually listening and interacting with joy and celebration of ourselves and each other....

Social Media--that one big group out there dependent upon technology.

So is the joy of social media for us little fishes in the huge ocean that is mass consciousness. It's pretty rare that most of us humans actually stand out in it. I'm not into branding or trying to play the latest role of "influencer." I don't vlog or much care to see myself on the screen. I'm making zero bucks writing this blog. 

Watching all these celebrities threatening to leave the USA if Trump gets elected--well, they're just silly and deluding themselves if they think that anyone else actually cares where they live. For me, if I've admired their work in the past, I suddenly find myself not wanting to watch or listen to anymore of their creations--past, present, or future. They've essentially ruined their own connection with me by going political. And those threatening X (to leave it or to sue it) for its free speech platform cause me to wonder what personal shame they're each trying to keep hidden. 

Social media didn't exist for most of my life, and it is essentially a reliance upon technology as a means of connecting. The question is, though, is it serving me by helping me to connect with my outer world the way I really desire to connect--to connect from the heart? Or am I just feeding and eating a diet of mass consciousness B.S.?

I rationalized people's not responding to my attempts to connect via social media or the internet by telling myself, "They're busy doing all this stuff. I don't want to waste their time. I don't want to take them away from doing their important work. I don't want to be a pain in the ass."

I've pretty much spent most of my life not wanting to be a burden in any way, shape or form--it's often had me spending way too much time guessing if I should reach out or not. Am I being an intrusive imposition to someone? It's an old, wounded aspect that's been running my life, and I'm feeling myself finally telling it, "Shut the effenheimer up, you tantrum-throwing, life-hogging little bastard!" It's cramping my enjoyment of my own life.

If I'm not worthy enough in my own perception of myself--if I have so little appreciation of myself in my own reality--then I'm certainly not going to get a sudden boost of gratitude and esteem from anyone or any group outside of me. And certainly not on social media. Because all of that out there is just a reflection of me interacting with myself. It's a conversation that's been on a loop in my head.

My internal narrative has to change to seeing that I'm really all there is--and if I'm not embracing that and celebrating that then no one else will either....

Whether it was a group or simply a relationship with one other person, I  ALWAYS found myself giving up at least a smidgen of an iota of my own sovereignty--and even a smidgen of an iota ended up feeling like too much....and....

that always ended up with me feeling all alone....even with others....

Someone in a group would come up with some project and we were told to jump on the supportive bandwagon because what "they" were doing represented all of us. That irked me, too. Where the hell was I in all of this? And, yes, in all transparency--if you're sensing some anger in me, you'd be right on. I have felt betrayed, and I've found myself leaving certain groups. Then returning. Then leaving again, returning again, and finally now letting it all go. Yep, for awhile, at various times throughout my relationships with others out there, I've been one pissed off Penny (this as I'm shaking my head, grinning at myself).

I sometimes felt lumped into one glob of humans that didn't represent where I was at the time--you know, like when the teacher punishes the whole class for the antics of one or a few students who didn't have any consideration for others. Whiners and complainers (squeaky wheels) would state something, saying they represented many of us others in the group--but it didn't represent me. Not really. 

I've just had it with somebody presuming they are, or that someone else is, speaking on my behalf. I am truly the only one who can represent or speak for myself....period. 

We may all be candles, but our individual light is the only of its kind: 

Don't blur me in with the others....

It's not in me to complain about something in a group when somebody else is at the forefront actively doing all the work and often taking the brunt of all the criticism. In fact, I've found myself defending those people, energetically protecting them. It's their prerogative to do however they see fit if they've gone to all the effort of creating an organization that reflects their own values and desires of being of service. I don't expect or want others to tip-toe around trying to please me.

Nor is it my place to judge anyone. While I sometimes do disagree with other's ideas, I know I can always leave and do my own thing. Whining in an attempt to control or manipulate others in order to get one's way--the sexual energy virus--is something I have zero tolerance for anymore.

And....I've recognized that ultimately this whole wanting to belong to an outer world--a group, even a family--is essentially the Sexual Energy Virus in a nutshell. We're trying to fit into an out-there world simply because we're afraid of being in here, all-seemingly-alone....

I don't really belong in any group....

In my own perception, I'm naturally always going to be at the forefront, standing out within myself, and being truly seen only by me, and only as much as I'll allow myself to see....

One thing I do appreciate about myself is, no matter what, regardless of whether someone's gifted me with something precious or something crap--I will always get to the sense of feeling gratitude for the experience because, even in the worst cases, I recognize that I gleaned some gem of wisdom from them. It's not always immediate, sometimes even taking years--but, ultimately, I'll always get to that place of grace....I know that without a doubt....

I'm realizing that maybe I should focus all that cheerleading of others on myself....

I could leave right now and no one would really care....life here will go on without missing a beat....

It's a sobering thought. One I've had many times through the years, especially in those moments of realizing that, in my world, I'm truly the only one who sees me and can fully appreciate my own life, my beingness, my highest perspectives....

No one else is really going to care about my leaving this world, because in their own world it's really only about themselves, too. For all of us it's about how that loss of someone else affects us--how we feel about our own life with and without them--if it does at all.

The old programmed hypnosis wants to kick in and chastise, "That's selfish! That's no way to be!" Yeah, well, it's been my realization that accusations like that only come from someone who's not really in touch with themselves or their own soul....

I really am all there is--it's just me and my soul and our wisdom gained from me playing in my own creations....

and....when I do go, my one-of-a-kind world--my reality as only I know it--goes with me....

Now that I realize I'm all alone can I be okay with that?

It's really what's been happening all along--I just refused to fully feel into it until I was truly ready.

All this time I've simply been terrified of being all alone. It's been THE ghost haunting my entire existence. And it went viral before I ever donned a human costume....

I closed up into a defensive ball, stopping the natural flow of my personal field of energies. Got all stuffed up, blocked off, out of kilter. Just like what happens with any physical cold or flu virus--I shut down. I stopped creating anything new while I battled with symptoms. I was focused out there trying to manage and wrangle with those outside mirrors of me--those often painful reflections that were only just showing me how I was being at odds within myself.

And just as with any of those physical viruses, once you get through it, you come out stronger, your immunity greater than it was going in.

I also gained something precious: a better, more appreciative understanding of myself--wisdom is what we call it....

I may be ALL there is....I may be A-LONE, sovereign creator--a pinpoint of consciousness aware of its existence, and playing in and with its own creations within its own energy field....and....I'm finally feeling like I'm okay with that....

I SEE ME and I feel GRATITUDE for being me in all my ways--dark and light and everything in-between--and to me, that's all that matters. I will always have a safe and sacred space with my soul, with its constantly-increasing wisdom, and with my entire body of consciousness, whatever form it takes. I will always be okay within my own personally created realities regardless of how the stories play out in them, even should I appear to die. I exist--eternally so....

I can pretend to be a part of a group and still find myself all alone....and that's okay....

I can still play in relationships with others, but the pressure is off regarding whether I'm seen or not by them. It just doesn't really matter, after all....because I always have All of ME....