Releasing a Vow of Eternal Atonement

 "Release all vows."

It was probably one of the first shouds of Crimson Circle that I listened to, and it resonated deeply within me that, yes, it was important to release myself from any and all vows. In fact, I thought I did release myself from all of them, then and there. But little did I know that another life expression of my soul--The Dark Lady--had made a vow of eternal atonement, and she's still been sticking it to me even long after I became aware of her existence. I've been living according to her laws--which have kept me imprisoned, muffled, suppressed, banished, and shackled from living a true life of ease, grace and abundance. According to her, we were never going to be worthy of deserving anything better than hell on Earth.

That vow has influenced every breath I take in and breathe out into creative expression in this lifetime--and probably many others. It's reigned over my feelings and my demeanor in my daily life--I've been overly, deeply sensitive, and quick to feelings of guilt and shame, of unworthiness of existing at all....and....try as I might, I haven't completely freed myself from her shackles until today--at least a decade or more after I became aware of her in my life....

I know she did horrendous, abominable things (I have no desire to remember any of them)--things she later looked back on and cringed from in horror, deep agony, self-revulsion, and feeling punishments of any kind would never be enough to erase what she had done. She never wanted to DO THAT again, ever!!!!

And I realize more so now, today, that her victims back then are currently people and loved ones surrounding me in my present life. Some are even individuals in consciousness organizations with whom I resonate deeply. Some have caused me pain and made me feel less than. Her life experience and vow so permeated my life that I have been afraid of harming anyone to the extent that I'd take hits from people and turn the other cheek for another swat, and I'd empathize like there was no tomorrow. I'd soak up someone else's issue, taking it on as my own--and I've long known better than to do that. 

"That's no way to be, Pen!" How many times have I heard that? And it always brought up shame and guilt in me, even when I really had no reason to feel that way. All anyone had to do was suggest that an action I might take was "just wrong" and it would stab me to the core and there I'd be--just plain wrong. 

No one could do otherwise with me because of that Vow of Eternal Atonement that I had made in another lifetime altogether--a vow that I wasn't aware existed still--even long after I'd thought I'd released all vows!

I'm no perfect specimen of a human being, but there were cases where I allowed others to say and do things to me that I really shouldn't have. But then, I was just coping the best way I knew how in those moments, just like we all do. Until we realize what's truly happening and that we can free ourselves to let the old laws and vows ALL GO. That we can make new choices. And that carrying those old burdens no longer serve us or anyone else.

All those moments and years of frustration, anger and disappointment I felt when those that mattered the most to me seemed to not care to hear me or truly value me--I felt totally invisible--it wasn't "them" doing anything at all. Absolutely no one did anything to me that I hadn't already scripted out for someone to role-play out for me. It was all me. It was all my energies in service to unrealized me. I didn't realize until yesterday that it was all that atoning aspect running the show, attracting to me things I didn't want to experience or feel.

As I feel into it more, I'm pretty certain the Dark Lady inflicted upon herself (and the rest of our soul expressions) a vow of banishment, as well. I felt myself shatter and scatter when participating in groups--even groups dealing with conscious awareness. I found it difficult to complete group projects or even my own artwork when done in a classroom setting. I could handle being in the peripheries, but being the center of attention just didn't work too well, no matter how much the human part of me fantasized about being a star. She'd played the power card in that lifetime and appropriately lost everything big-time, especially our sense of worthiness in even existing....

For anyone ever taking part in the barbaric insanity of torture, murder, vengeful mobs, riots, war: all that destruction of lives, homes, lands--when it's all said and done--you have to live with yourself, and I can tell you from my own experience from the Dark Lady's life that it ain't easy. The karma that comes back is at least ten times worse than what you put out....I made it that way for myself so I wouldn't be inclined in my unawakened state here as a human to do such things ever again. The price was too great. And that vow of eternal atonement was pure hell.

And....the only resolution or way free was to realize it was all just an act (temporary and not permanent)--a "Let's Pretend" game like young kids play out together while using wildly vivid imaginations.

That was the only perspective--my soul's viewpoint--that worked for me. The Dark Lady was immature and naive about this Earth game, and, like anyone ignorant of what she was getting into she just dived in with glee and thoroughly immersed into the role of insane Little Human on a power kick, completely unaware at the time of the consequences or ramifications.

I released myself from all laws and realized that the recurring dreams I had of not being able to find familiar and favorite pieces of clothing was that it was me letting go of some old laws that were obsolete for me....you feel kind of naked....

I've just recently made the choice to let all laws go--to free myself of all of them. And that's probably why I've made this new connection to the Dark Lady story. It made room for more clarity on why I've been feeling stuck even though I've recognized the wisdom gained through all these human experiences I've traversed through for my soul for most of the writings in this blog. She was so familiar I'd gotten used to her--like a worn-in, half-ways comfortable even, piece of clothing--and I could never fully seem to rid myself of her hold on me. In a twisted way, she was keeping me safe from myself.

I think I released myself from most vows and laws I'd made without having to know their specifics, but the fact that this was an eternal one--that was the clinker. It's suddenly hit that these are and always have been my energies in service to me. That I'm the only one that can un-create them. That if it's in my life, I put it there and I'm getting some sort of benefit from its existence in whatever way, shape or form (like another person wagging a finger at me, for example). I put it there--or some other life expression of my soul, in this case--and only I, the awakened master facet of my soul, can remove it.

There is nothing I have to mess with here....it's still sinking in--all the realizations and ramifications surrounding it are extensive. It's always been my own energies serving me by matching the consciousness I'm radiating out in the moment--this apology for existing by a role-playing Dark Lady who immersed so deeply into darkness that she went mad and did stuff she wished she'd never ever imagined at all....

And....I release myself from ALL Vows and Laws, eternal or otherwise....

I'm as benevolent as they come--I'm not going to harm anyone, including myself, ever again....I'm too aware now of who I truly am and how my energies are serving me....