The mysteries I puzzled over for lifetimes have become "My Stories."
These are my stories of what it was like being in the mists, and then awakening from the I'm-just-a-little-human-puppet dream. Then came the experiencing of what that whole process was like as I unfolded into a brand new way of being--physically, emotionally, mentally and consciously (or what many humans think of as "spiritually").
I also realize this blog was my practice in trusting myself, my own inner knowingness about who I really am and what truly matters to me. It's turned out to be an auto-biography of a pretty average, ordinary-feeling human being who discovered she was so much more than she ever imagined....
And....I love, that eventually, every being will discover that for themselves, as well. No need to be saved at all....you'll naturally just remember when it's your time to remember....There is so much to celebrate about yourself--we are truly magnificent, courageous beings--every single one....
Feeling like an alien in your own world? Been through some dark nights of the soul?
The Good News is You are Awakening....
The difficult thing is you're going to lose everything, even your identity, as you release your burdens and move into realization, or enlightenment, because you're so much more than that story you've had playing out....
I've always felt like a bit of an outsider looking in. Then I experienced some Dark Night of the Soul moments where the beliefs I'd founded my life upon were falling apart, draining away like water through a sieve. At times it felt like I was hurtling through a tunnel trying to grab hold of something, anything that would give me some sense of balance, of stability--of safety--so I could stop and take a few good deep breaths before diving in some more.
I wouldn't personally discover Crimson Circle and other like-hearted people around the world called Shaumbra until 2004. However in 1999, is when Tobias put out the call to bring us all together. He helped us create a safe and sacred space to be after having spent much of our current lives feeling alone, like misfits struggling to simply survive in the belief systems of the world around us.
Ascended Master, Adamus St-Germain took over the Shouds of Crimson Circle in August of 2009, after Tobias left after his ten years of service to incarnate here with the explicit purpose of experiencing life on Earth as an embodied master. In his previous last incarnation, Tobias crossed over--"died"--shortly after his realization, after his consciousness opened and ascended. So he didn't opt to go any further in that last lifetime, and this was his chance to return and to be here with the rest of us for this grand awakening of human consciousness around the planet.
When Tobias left, his main message was this: "Remember, you really never did anything wrong, ever...."
Believe you me--I needed to hear and truly understand that, as I was carrying around a whole lot of guilt, shame, misery and regret--and fear of harming anyone or anything.
The most difficult question of all:
"How do I cope with the evil I have done?"
This has been the question staring me in the heart my entire life, probably more than just this lifetime, probably most of my existence....it's haunted me....
I know this is all just an illusion--a "Let's Pretend" game where no harm is truly done. Yet, the hardest aspect for me to accept has been the realization of just how evil I or other life expressions of my soul could be in this grand illusion of a game. "How could you do that?" As I curl up into a ball of shame, deep regret, devastation and self-revulsion at the memories that I don't want to remember, I know it's the core energy of the concept many religions consider as all humans being "born in sin." Some imperfections feel awfully atrocious and hideous--and I don't like looking at them or reliving them ever again.
How do I handle living joyfully and abundantly knowing that I was capable of, and even committed, such horrendous acts? How do I live with that knowledge? Knowing that a cancer like that is a potential of experiences originating from within my own soul? Why did my soul allow me the freedom to fall that far, to shatter itself apart so immensely that some parts of it got so lost, so bloodthirsty, so power-hungry? So utterly broken and madly insane....
It feels worse than having been the victim in such stories. How did Judas live with betraying Jesus--an act that led to that horrific crucifixion? How did Paul live with having been the guy named Saul who persecuted so many Christians before he had his own realization of the Christ consciousness within? How do I live with having been The Dark Lady in that other lifetime of my soul? I've been bearing her branding on my cheek for all to see....
The only way of accepting and releasing the hard-to-contemplate acts that humans have committed is by realizing that some intrinsic part of me--of all of us--has always known that it's just a game where none of it truly matters....so no one did anything wrong ever--not really....
We were young beings, little kids throwing themselves into playing out stories of "Let's Pretend this, Let's Pretend that...." Poof! It's just an illusion of a story with good guys and bad guys....and....
Ultimately--because of courageously being immersed in so many points of perspective, from having played such a variety of roles of being limited in awareness of who we really are--WISDOM for my soul and for your soul has been gained....
All while remembering somewhere deep within ourselves that it's just a good acting job....
The thing is, all the self-doubt, all the self-unworthiness--all that stems from having played out those nightmarish roles, all done out of love for our own divinity. To help it understand who and what it is. And it's only my own soul that can truly help me come to terms with it....
Thank you, my beloved humanity....for everything....you discovered the concept of LOVE for all that is, for my own soul. To go to such lengths....
"I accept total responsibility for my entire life--all my experiences and all my perceptions...."
Adamus told us we couldn't go any further with him unless we stated and signed this statement: "I accept total responsibility for my entire life. (All my experiences. All my perceptions)."
The point was, that in order to go forward, we had to become aware of when we were feeling victimized, and learn how to shift our perspective or viewpoint around to see the gift we were discovering about oneself in someone or something attacking us.
"If it's in my life, I alone put it there, and I am getting some benefit from it. No one is doing anything to me that I'm not allowing to happen in the first place. Thus, I am the ONLY one who can release myself from it--or basically choose to let it all go."
Adamus said having more energy come in to serve us meant that if we insisted on being the victim in our stories, then having MORE energy meant we were going to experience being the victim worse than ever before....We had to learn to release our stories and identities, and open up our personal energy fields--be vulnerable enough to let our energies flow freely instead of trying to control and monitor them. To quit holding them.
"Bring that which is hidden out into the Light...."
Adamus also told us it was time to come out of hiding--the Quantum Leap in planetary consciousness of 2007 meant we were safe now and wouldn't be tortured and martyred as we'd experienced in past lifetimes. It was the time now to let ourselves tell our stories, express our own truths--to practice trusting oneself enough to just lay it all out there. Let our own lights shine....
He told us to get creative and to let it flow in whatever means suited the individual. I had earlier used writing as a means to get to the core of a childhood shame. I had written my story and my perceptions and feelings down back in the late nineties; and I printed off a couple dozen copies and shared it with individuals I'd felt nudged to give it to to read. It was liberating. Around the time Adamus encouraged us to come out of hiding, I had a friend who'd started a blog, and that inspired me in learning how to create my own. Thus, my online journaling began.
I made the commitment from the beginning to be honest with myself, first and foremost. And that I had to be authentic about how I was really feeling and about the thoughts that were going through my mind, along with being unconditionally accepting and compassionate with myself. I also had to take full responsibility for creating the experiences I was getting and for shifting my perspective around so I could see the gift of everything in my life in the moment at hand. Often that meant expanding my viewpoint out in order to see things from the broadest perspective of all--that of my soul. The human's perspective was too limited to be completely no-strings-attached accepting. Especially of myself.
I've been writing this blog for 14 years, beginning the 27th of August, this month, my first post being With this Body.... This final entry will be post number 199. Pretty hard to believe I've put down and published that many words....and....it was so much easier and authentic and graceful sharing my stories--my experiences and my perceptions of them--by blog, piece by piece, rather than getting it all into a single volume or book. It was so much less limiting this way.
And writing those moments down--with all the good, bad, embarrassing, guilty, angry, happy, sad, high, low, scary, compassionate, etc. feelings I experienced in them--helped me more clearly see and appreciate everything I've experienced and realized as it unfolded for me....
There was the added bonus that I could write and publish immediately without going through an editor and publisher or a middle person who would have been more focused on marketing and creating something more for an audience rather than my own needs.
Anger and Laughter make for brilliant partners when it comes to jogging loose stuck energies and then flowing them....
I used the blog as a safe and sacred space to allow myself to feel, express, and release anger in a manner causing no harm to anyone. Anger was one of the scariest and most painful emotions for me to allow, but writing it out all these years has gotten me to appreciate that it has a purpose, and can be used benevolently instead of violently.
The other day I got chastised for using "vulgar" language in my writing. He told me it was escapism. But I knew the person didn't understand where I was coming from--that a few cuss words never really hurt anyone and that I was using them as a means to release, and get flowing again, my own stuck energies.
This person was used to holding in his anger and naughty words, even though you know we all feel or think them inside. He touched his chest when he told me he suppressed his anger, so when I saw that, I understood why he had difficulties with an issue called asthma. Anyway, knowing what I knew about him--he was a Christian--I knew I was taking myself off the pedestal of being a perfect human by giving him certain posts of mine to read. It hurt to be chewed out by him--to be perceived as less than....and....he still likes me anyway....
I love to laugh! So, when I found myself grinning and chuckling afterwards over my drama-queen antics in the "I'm so damn angry" department all these years, that was simply a delightful bonus. I've learned that probably the greatest spiritual gift of all is the ability to not take myself so seriously--to enjoy this as the game of "Let's Pretend We're Just Little Humans." Just laugh, Pen! Just laugh!
Clarity lasted because I wrote it down....
After blogging all these years, I can see my truths have gotten clearer, some even more expanded, as my understandings became more anchored here because I wrote them down. I discovered that truth shifts and flows, too, as my consciousness expanded beyond the old, and very limited, Little Human concepts. I've gone beyond the mental. beyond linearity and duality, and into quantum realization....
Step-by-step guide, or Stories?
If you were to ask me which type of reading or means of getting information I preferred, it would always be a story over a how-to guide. How-to's are full of boring stuff you have to find a way to store the information in a memory bank in the brain so as to retrieve it when needed. But tell me a story where the important stuff is central to it--and I'll remember it with ease. And I'll probably put it into practice if it resonates with me on some intrinsic level.
Saint or Imperfect Human?
It's always irked me when I read or watch stories that make their lead characters into these perfect humans who eat and exercise right, who are intellectuals who are so smart they can't be conned or tricked.
Nor do I identify with characters who are addicts with inner demons of some kind who have habits intent on self-destruction. It gets tiresome watching someone using drinking, drugs, eating, or sexual abuse in order to run away from being honest with themselves, and then watch the inevitable downward spiral into deeper states of depression and worsening experiences. It's like Duh!--you expected a better outcome?
I've never done illicit drugs, and I've been drunk to the point of heaving into a toilet and having the spins only once in my life. That was enough. Running away from myself, getting a buzz in order to have fun--it just wasn't my thing this time around. I do have a drink now and then when the mood hits, and generally one or two is all I care for.
Yet, give me an imperfect human everytime. Give me someone who's seeking to do their best even though sometimes you just shake your head at the bizarreness of what their version of best looks like. But give me that, and someone who's open to honestly sharing some of their deepest and darkest fears and actions--who takes absolute responsibility for their entire life, no excuses or rationalizations, and truly desires to change....and....I'll see the gem of the truly inspiring being they are, and I'll cheer them on and celebrate in their discovery of that within themselves.
Which would you rather have: A Standard of what is possible for you, or a Savior?
Since seeing the story of Jesus told on the big movie screen when I was just a child, and having my mom tell me that it--the crucifixion of Jesus--sadly really happened, I've been intrigued with knowing the full story of his life. Not just the few lines written in the "Holy Bible." In making him into "the only son of god and a savior for all mankind" his beautiful, freeing, and soul-uplifting messages were distorted and perverted, all in the name of a few blind-to-whom-they-truly-are, power-driven people trying to get control of the masses.
While playing in the realm of this awesome and daunting gem of a planet, they were trying to get a sense of personal safety--trying to survive--by trying to manipulate their own outer world creations instead of setting them free. This is something we've all done. It's called the Sexual Energy Virus in consciousness. I, too, had to learn to take some good deep-down breaths, open, let go, receive, and flow....
I wanted to get to know that imperfect human Yeshua, as I now think of him, and learn how he managed to become so wise. Or was he always that way? He didn't seem like an egotistical intellectual or a mental analyst type. To me, his messages felt sincere and open--and real. I wanted to know everything I could about him and what his life was like, the beginning through to the end, because he seemed familiar to me. That scene of his awful death--I remember perceiving it as blood-red and dark when I was a kid--it's like I'd witnessed and felt it all personally. Like I'd been there.
I had the same feelings about the assassination of John F. Kennedy. I was born the year after....
My beloved United States of America began with 13 little colonies declaring their independence from a nation seeking to build a global empire. No other nations came rushing to their side to help them in their quest for autonomy. This is KEY, because some think that this country is obligated to step in and fight for freedom in other nations around the world--and we've been getting a lot of crap through the years because the United States was slow to get involved in the world wars. Should we be sending weapons and soldiers to other nations and messing around in your relationships, in your own communities when we're not fully aware of your culture? Or are you better served taking responsibility and handling it for yourselves?
In looking back, I'm glad no other nations came to our aid in our own revolution, because there is a great clarity and feeling with standing up for yourself--of being a Light Standard of Liberty rather than a Victim--and not being obligated to someone or any other nation outside of yourself.
One of the greatest tools to help me release myself from my stories of enemies--even tyrants or, in my case, politically corrupt officials--was to accept responsibility for having placed them in my reality in the first place. I took some suggestion flowing in consciousness that this is what I had to deal with because it was "real," and I made that suggestion my truth. Thus, I had some whoppers to fight and struggle with--to be a Victim of.
Our founders sought to establish a constitution that recognized the self-sovereignty of every individual. Granted, women and other races, at that point in time, were still not recognized in the limited consciousness of the world at large as being capable of self-sovereignty--but, hey, we had to start somewhere, right? And, growing pains and all, we're getting there. We had the courage to experiment with the idea of personal freedom and the pursuit of happiness, and we've come a long ways, considering we've been dealing with a tremendous learning curve. No one else had done it before this....
A leap in technology--AI (Artificial Intelligence) and robotics means a large human labor force will soon be obsolete. What are humans going to do then?
What will be the purpose of the human being if you no longer have to work hard and spend your days making a living going to a job? That whole belief system is coming to an end....and....the best way to move through that transformation more gracefully and easily is by going within, realizing your own freedom and sovereignty, your own creatorship, and to begin exploring the concept of alternative realities and creating anew from that foundation....
Energy is Communication
This blog is basically me learning how to commune with my own soul/divinity....
For so many years I sought to have a relationship with "god," and communication with that god seemed pretty elusive and not often enough for my needs. What I've come to realize is that my soul is not interested in proselytizing--it was never going to force my devotion to it. It's always been here, waiting in the wings, for me to hold out my hand to it and invite it here into my life as a co-creator with me.
I am a pinpoint of consciousness aware that I exist....and....everything else is my own field of energy potentials in service solely to me....
So this is me--all my field of potential energies manifesting and arranging themselves in service to match whatever my I am! I exist! radiates out. We're communicating.,,,
Communication means listening as much, if not maybe more, as talking....
As long as I wanted to play with the stereo, surround-sound of my outer world blasting in my ears and distracting me away from it, my soul honored that free choice of its human being. Sometimes parties can be a whole lot of fun, but I found that when I really want to get to know another being, it's always best to visit one-on-one. We can really get to the good stuff.
I can whine out loud to my soul....and....ultimately, I don't take myself too seriously in that aspect because there's always that part of me--the wise master--grinning at the fact that I know I put whatever was upsetting myself into play in my reality.
The most wonderful thing with my soul is that it is always present when I choose to make the time and safe space for us to communicate and build our relationship. Walking on my own in nature, being with my beloved pets, gardening, doing mundane chores--those have been some of my favorite times communing with my soul and discovering the wisdom we gained from me, my human facet--The Experiencer.
Let these stories be a standard....and feel free to laugh with me at the stuff I got myself into....
You don't want me as a guru--nor do I want such a job. You don't want to be saved--that ends up being a prison for both parties. Just ask Jesus....
With that said, there has been a never-swerving knowingness within me, pretty much my entire life, that this true realization of freedom and self-sovereignty is meant for everyone, no matter their status, wealth, ethnicity, relationships, or beginnings or endings or in-betweens....
You ultimately allow this on your own, your own way. Others can encourage you and let you know you're not alone--that you're not the only one on this journey, maybe share some tools and stories we've found helpful for ourselves. Yet, none of us who've had our realization would spoil you experiencing your unique story by giving you answers that only you can truly answer for yourself. There is no substitute for having that passionate desire within that just drives you along no matter what happens....
Having come full circle, it feels appropriate to bring my blogging days to a close in order to make way for something truly brand new for me to create and experience. I'm going Quantum....
Blogging places one's most recent posts at the top, so if you want to read it from beginning to end like a book go to the archives section and start with 2009. The first blog, beginning August 27, 2009 is "With this Body," and the next is "Accepting Responsibility with Self-Compassion."
I discovered as the writing got more plentiful it was helpful to start organizing the posts according to the topic being most central to that post, so there are tabs for shortcuts to specific subject matter such as:
Sexual Energy Virus: Victim and Abuser
There is some overlap in the tab materials. I placed the posts according to whatever whim struck me in the moment.
And so....I'll be seeing you....and....
All the best--always....
May passion, compassion, pure love, and laughter be your constant companions while you discover the joys, as I have, of realizing you've been dancing with your own soul....a life-loving dance....
And most of all, may you realize, as I did, that the absolute best stories of all are your own....
With love, gratitude and honor,
The Benevolent Rebel
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