My Big Ah-Ha!/Yahoo! Moment

I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes asking my version of god at the time, in total frustration and desperation, why the heck I was still judging my neighbors--literally. I had taken Jesus's admonition to "judge not, lest you be judged the same" completely to heart and I'd been trying to adhere to it for several months, only to fail miserably at the endeavor. It felt like I'd spent more time judging than actually living--and I hated myself for that.

What caught me by surprise is that this time "god" actually seemed to reply the moment I asked the question. It wasn't audible (I didn't actually hear a voice), but I had a comforting tingling feeling and a knowingness of the conversation that clearly came through.

That voice within me said, "Penny--how do you expect to love and accept everyone else without condition if you don't love yourself first? Love yourself first, and all the rest will be a piece of cake." It said, "I love you. I have always loved you--in all your ways."

I liked that response, but then I thought about some moments when I had really seemed to have done some bad things. And I had to ask, "Well, how could you love me when I did such and such?"

And the reply was, "Penny. I loved you even then."

And I asked, "Well--what about this time...?" Because, I thought I'd really screwed up that time.

Again the reply, "Yes. I loved you then, too." I'd think of other shameful, guilty, regretful moments, one after another and it would unfailingly respond, "Yes--that time, too. And, yes, even then...always I love you..."

This back and forth testing of my own divinity's depth and height of love of me continued on through the remainder of my dishes and through a walk through my neighborhood. The tears flowed along with the greatest relief and joy--all out astonishment--that someone whom I held in such high esteem loved me even when I seemed so unlovable, so unworthy, so--human.  And it wasn't because some friend of mine got slapped up on a cross as a suffering sacrifice by people who were deep asleep in the "I'm Just a Yucky Little Human Being" Dream in order to make me clean and worthy enough to be breathing and headed to some heaven with golden streets where everyone sang some hymn or Kumbaya song, with syrupy smiles. I was loved and viewed as a gift just because I existed.... and it was important that I learned to love all of me that way, as well....

This was just the beginning. My ah-ha! moment has been growing ever since, for, you see, I had to walk through all my past shames (layer upon layer) and unconditionally love myself for all those ways of being, just like that one within me, my soul-self, my "I am that I am." Imagine my delighted surprise when I discovered that my soul learned all about love from my human facet--the actual discoverer of love.... Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ha!Ha!

Open yourself, my beloved human brothers and sisters--you don't realize what a gift you are to your own soul and divinity, to all of creation.... I realized I'm a lover and not really a fighter, and that I truly wish myself and everyone else the most joyful experiences life as a divine human has to offer, but I will always honor your own sovereignty in choosing your own experiences--even the crappy ones, if you so choose.  

What would you rather hear from another human:

A. "God loves you."

B. "I love you...."

Close your eyes and feel into it for yourself. There's really no wrong answer....

This story took place sometime around 1995, and its truth has been expanding more and more and has me embracing everyone around me, accepting them as the gift that they are for me in the moment at hand. It's liberating and joyful, to say the least.... I may choose to disconnect from playing out those dark stories with those of you who choose to play in the power illusion, but I KNOW and am fully clear that I accept you no matter what.... and that frees me to live a more enjoyable, graceful life....

All the best, always.... even when....