My Big Ah-Ha!/Yahoo! Moment

I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes asking God, in total frustration and desperation, why the heck I was still judging my neighbors--literally. I had taken Jesus's admonition to "judge not, lest you be judged the same" completely to heart and I'd been trying to adhere to it for several months, only to fail miserably at the endeavor. It felt like I'd spent more time judging than actually living--and I hated myself for that.

What caught me by surprise is that this time god actually seemed to reply the moment I asked the question. It wasn't audible (I didn't actually hear a voice), but I had a comforting tingling feeling and a knowingness of the conversation that clearly came through.

That voice within me said, "Penny--how do you expect to love everyone else without condition if you don't love yourself first? Love yourself first, and all the rest will come easily." It said, "I love you. I have always loved you--in all your ways."

I liked that response, but then I thought about some moments when I had really seemed to have done some bad things. And I had to ask, "Well, God, did you love me when I did such and such?"

And the reply was, "Yes, Penny. I loved you even then."

And I asked, "Well--what about this time...?" Because, I thought I'd really screwed up that time.

Again the reply, "Yes. I loved you then, too." I'd think of other shameful, guilty moments, one after another and it would unfailingly respond, "Yes--that time, too. And, yes, even then...always I love you..."

This back and forth testing of God's depth and height of love of me continued on through the remainder of my dishes and through a walk through my neighborhood. The tears flowed along with the greatest relief and joy--all out astonishment--that God loved me even when I seemed so unlovable, so unworthy, so--human.

This was just the beginning. My ah-ha! moment has been growing ever since, for, you see, I had to walk through all my past shames (layer upon layer) and unconditionally love myself for all those ways of being, just like god, my soul-self, my "I am that I am."