"Shut the Effenheimer Up!": An Effective Tool for Your Whiny Victim Aspects

I was printing this post out for a very dear friend of mine who encourages me in my writing, and I realized I wanted to clarify a few things and share a bit of background on the subject of me and cussing. 

I attended a one-room country school for first grade, and if I remember correctly, there were only five or six kids total, all of them older than me. The school closed, and I attended "town school" from 2nd grade on. It was on the playground of the public school that I first heard the word, "shit," and I tried it out in all its glory as our mom drove us home from school that day. 

Mom replied, "Pen, we don't say that word." And that was all it took for me to stop.

I didn't hear much cussing from my dad when he was around us. Maybe my brothers heard it when out working with him, but he didn't make it a standard practice from what I recall. My brother, Steve, said he learned how to swear from the custom combiners that helped harvest our crops. Ha! Some of my other brothers closer to me in age--now they could let the 4 Letters fly with gusto, especially when puberty hit! Ha!

My family wasn't prudish: I had a great uncle who was a dear fishing friend of my dad's, and the man told all kinds of naughty jokes. I've had a lot of laughter in my life--and that truly has probably been my most saving grace of all.

With all that said, swearing is something I've kept a fairly tight lid on most of my life, and it's a trait shared by many of us older Shaumbra. Ascended master, Adamus St-Germain has seemingly made it his mission to encourage us to get into that truly authentic being that we are, and to realize that sometimes an F-bomb is the best communication out there for specific moments and uses. And I've realized lightning hasn't struck me down for ever using one....

I don't cuss all the time because when swear words are in every utterance of a person's mouth I get desensitized to them. They lose their oomph. I quit listening....and....

There are times when I need that bit of shock and awe of a well-placed "F-bomb" to make my point clear--to take that stand within myself that leaves no room for negotiation or compromise. 

"Tell those victim aspects to shut the fuck up!"

In the 2023 February Shoud, Sovereign ascended master, Adamus Saint-Germain (crimsoncircle.com) made that recommendation to a fellow Shaumbra who was allowing an aspect that insisted she was an alcoholic to run her life.

We've all created aspects in this lifetime and in other lifetime expressions of our souls. Some of them were created out of traumatic circumstances: death by torture, actions that caused remorse, unresolved guilt and shame, intense anger....Some leave energetic imprints in the form of physical or emotional or mental wounds and scarring. I've recognized these as the Victim voice within that constantly reminds me that someone or something outside of me is causing me to endure something I don't like or want, but cannot change or manipulate or control (this is the Sexual Energy Virus).

I've been playing the role of wife in a marriage, and it's given me plenty of opportunities to play with being the victim of my husband's ideas and actions. I've had 33 years of practice, plus a few more when we were just dating. With awakening, I have struggled long and hard with trying to get past feeling like a victim--this blog is littered with those stories--but wrangling with them only makes them stronger and more steadfast in my reality. 

I have managed to go beyond many of them by allowing my perspective to shift and somehow choosing to finally just let them go and get on with living my life. I clearly remember doing that when after episode after episode of watching in powerless fear as my husband rode off on his motorcycle, I suddenly realized I'd been insisting on recreating the trauma, and its ensuing emotions, of losing my first boyfriend in a motorcycle accident all over again. I shook my head at myself, grinned, and let it go. It was such a relief! And here it was, just that simple, easy....

"Just let it go....and get on with living your life...."

Oh, those whiny frickin' voices within that like to keep insisting that I'm being wronged or taken for granted....I realized I still had a few....

Adamus' little tool really worked for me. I found myself telling those tantrum-throwing, incessantly whispering little shits to "Shut the Fuck Up!" And I did it a few good times whenever I found myself feeling like a powerless victim. I left no more room for them to get a word in edgewise. I stood firm within myself as I belted it out, and then went on as though they never existed....and so they were gone....I no longer suffer the fools. I tell them all to "Shut the Fuck up!"....I'm done playing that game.

As everyone reading this can see--I have quite the amusing conversations with myself.

Over-population: The Fear Driving the Power Players

There is an element in our society who is AFRAID (key word) of the over-population of our Earth.

Fear of not having enough resources to survive here, much less thrive, has been driving all the power plays we see going on and now being revealed.  

With the development of the smart phones and other technologies, that which was once hidden away is now being revealed instantly the moment events happen by any human anywhere in the world. No more secrets. No more naughty shenanigans without traumatic repercussions. Karma can be a bitch for the unawakened, power-and-control-grasping human--and it's not waiting anymore for another lifetime to kick-in.

The Power Game: An Illusion and a Delusion

My dad, in his bid to bring about a better world where people didn't go hungry and it wasn't ruled by those in power, inspired in me the courage to delve into such matters on my own in the mid-nineties. It was a terrifying hell in which I felt very small--of no significance whatsoever in my own world. However, I did manage to drum up enough attention to myself by refusing to pay an income tax that I didn't like being misused by "public officials" to kidnap our beloved children for their sexual deviances. I lost all interest in the political game--I could tell most of them were simply after fame and fortune and power and control. None of them seemed actually interested in finding a true resolution or in changing a dysfunctional system. It was all about the manipulation of others to their own benefit.

Even the Christian religion got watered down and compromised away from its pure beginnings by human elements interested in power and control of the masses. There are scared little humans even in the pulpits. There are popes and rulers driven by power throughout history who manipulated the writings of their sacred texts and the messages delivered to their followers. 

Not so very long ago, by being able to control the narrative delivered to the masses by ownership of the mainstream sources of news media, dens of deep asleep little humans, trying to maintain power and control over their outer "others," have been plotting the demise and control of the rest of their human brothers and sisters. They didn't want too many humans around to infringe on their luxurious way of life, but they wanted some good slaves, too. This has been going on for centuries....and....this Survival of the Fittest mind trap is on its way out. And it's not going quietly in this last hurrah breath.

It's a Big Pretend Game: Absolutely NO ONE can actually steal energy or eternal life from another person....

The key to ending the game is to CHOOSE to just quit playing the game of being anyone's victim. Live out your best, most enjoyably abundant life without giving those who choose POWER games the time of day. That way, whatever crap a person puts out will automatically return and knock them on their behinds quicker. A bully who can't entice someone to act like their victim sits all alone in their own stinky poop....

Individual bubbles of biology may bounce into one another, but they can't actually overlap or intrude.

Every person has his/her own "I am" conscious awareness center surrounded by his own personal field of energies to serve that specific consciousness. Everything we need to survive and thrive is right at hand within our own sphere of energies specifically in service to each of us alone. I picture us each as these clear bubbles bumping up against one another but they never actually overlap or insert themselves into each other. 

However, one bubble can make a SUGGESTION to another that the other can CHOOSE or not to make her truth. For example: 

"This is who you are, what you do, and how you do it." 

Or "This planet is limited in its resources and there isn't enough for all to live abundantly. There's not enough free, clean energy for everyone." 

Or "You lack, you poor, pitiful Little Human--so others need to be responsible and take care of you."

We've been individuals creating our own realities based on the suggestion of others OUTSIDE of us. Most of us, for eons of time, have been unaware that this is what we've been doing.

So when someone suggests that there are others outside of you who can control and have full power over your life--and you accept that as your truth--wha-la! you have manifested a persecutor in your created experience. You get to act out what it's like to be a victim.

Don't Fight! Shine your Light!

The more a person fights and messes around with a struggle or a battle within your own reality bubble, the more entangled you become. The creation gets more entrenched, more solidified. You can't fight your way out of it because your TRUTH that there is a force greater than you keeps you feeling like you're a victim--and that radiated consciousness will continue to create monsters ALL FOR YOU! 

You have to quit the story. No more! I am done! Eff off! CHOOSE to be done, take a few good deep releasing and clearing breaths, and act like it no longer exists in your life. Forgive and forget it. It was all simply just an act--a Let's Pretend Game, all done out of love to gain wisdom for your soul by having a human being experience. 

You, the human, are simply The Experiencer. You don't distill the details of the experience down into the wisdom gained--your soul does that. Once you choose and release the act and the story and all your feelings and thoughts to the soul, it gleans the wisdom from it, and in return you shine a little clearer, a little brighter. 

And that clear light emanating from your bubble shines out onto the surfaces of the bubbles around you, highlighting potentials in their own field of energies that they just couldn't perceive before because it was too dark or too mucky, or both. Their awareness of themselves and who they truly are was just limited for a time--for a purpose that has now expanded. 

You're like a lighthouse--quietly shining revealing potential paths home to the Eternal One that resides within every single human being. The god within.

"Thou shall have no idols before me."

Yeah, that's one of the commandments given to Moses in the Old Testament of the Christian Holy Bible. And lately, it's been blinking like a neon sign at me.

I grew up with the Christian religion all around me. I was never raised in or schooled in any particular perspective of it. I did feel an affinity with Yeshua and Christ Consciousness, but not with the Savior Jesus slant. Something deep inside me knew none of us needed saving. Some loving god sending his beloved children to an eternal flaming hell never felt right. 

In other people, I can now detect an I am having fun with this "Let's Pretend there is a devil or evil Satan to fight Game." But I no longer feel the need to clear that up or say anything contrary when I realize they are simply having a personally chosen experience and that they are okay no matter what happens.

However, I wasn't always this undoubtedly clear all my life. I used to talk to god and my eyes were focused on some god out there, everywhere else but within me.

Finally, I realized somewhere along the way that I was addressing the god within me--within my own I am self. I'd be talking to myself in a mirror or when out walking, gardening, relaxing with a cup of coffee, or even in the bathroom (because it's quiet in there and it's a great place to release stuff....Grinning!).

I realized the idols referred to in that commandment given to Moses were actually anyone or anything outside of oneself that I worshipped or placed in a position higher than myself. Basically, to idolize anyone or anything outside of myself is to hand my self-sovereignty--my freedom--over to someone else. Thou shalt have no gods other than my own soul, my "I am." 

And that is the truth I choose to highlight for everyone else: Don't place anyone or anything other than you greater or higher or of more authority over you than the "I am" soul, the only god for you alone, and it's within you....

It always has been there, we just forgot it for awhile--because the sensual experience of it being out there somewhere else makes us appreciate more profoundly having it all within, right at hand....

I know it's seductive playing in the conspiracy realms--been there, done all of that--but when you do, you keep perpetuating the fighting instead of releasing it from your own life....

and possibly experiencing something far grander....

You have joyous abundance--all at hand within your own bubble of reality. No one can take it from you if you release the suggestion that they can from your truth.

Allowing Others Their Experiences, Letting Go of Things and Their Stories

March 22, 2023 is fast approaching: Heavens' Cross (aka the Apocalypse: the great opening or revealing) is finally nearly here, and life as we know it is going to change completely....

We ALL will have access to our own Souls, Divinity, Wisdom, other realms while still incarnate here on Earth!

This resonates profoundly with why I am here. I don't want to miss out on this epic event in our planet's and humanity's history. Oh, the stories we will be able to tell....

The past few months since I learned of the actual date of the event (back in November) I've realized I've been cleaning and clearing house--on many different levels.

I've been watching my old identity really melt away. I've become aware that sentimental items that I'd just kept out of a sense of loyalty more than anything were keeping me imprisoned in the stories associated with them. I didn't realize how much so until I asked myself, one-by-one, if I should discard them and the answer was always a resounding "Yes!"

Ben, the worn and ragged teddy bear Dad gave me when I was twelve, got one last kiss and hug of gratitude as he found himself placed in the garbage along with a birdhouse knickknack Mom had given to me that a friend of hers had made. Along with those went a ceramic cat I'd had for decades that my sister-in-law (who had a cat phobia) had painted and gifted me. I didn't realize until the moment I let each one go that I'd been keeping us all in a limited cage of beingness--especially my sister-in-law. I'd been keeping her unhealthy....As for my parents--there was a story of lack of abundance woven into the story of love from whence the gifts were given....

I felt so much relief that I decided to tackle my cedar chest. I let go of the newspaper articles of my old boyfriend's accident and death, once again not realizing the low energy I'd been holding onto all these years. Into the bin went all the obituaries of all my loved ones, and with that came in the ah-ha's! of seeing how I had so many awesome memories of my loved ones far beyond that photo and bare-bones message on each missive. I'd been hanging onto the loss and grief with those dang things!

I've also been throwing away a lot of photos, many which are reminders of times when life was fraught with a great deal of lack in abundance in all forms. It's especially freeing to get rid of old photos of myself. I may have been thinner in them (and hotter, according to my husband), but I was also haunted....I seldom liked how I looked in photographs. Plus, after sorting through stuff when loved ones have crossed over, I've realized that no one else wants pictures of people they don't personally know. I may as well unburden myself now.

With all this releasing, I've discovered that my daily walks in nature--or shoveling snow, as it is winter here--are becoming physically easier, and so even more enjoyable. A few days ago, I slipped on the ice while walking with my husband and landed flat on my back, thunking my head on the pavement. I admit I've been kind of concerned lately about walking or shoveling on my own and having a fall like that happening. I showed myself that I'd be okay. I didn't get hurt--not even my head--and after giving myself a moment to recover, I got back up, laughed it off and continued enjoying our walk. I discovered I am quite resilient....

Trying to convince otherwise someone who's intent on being and acting unworthy is a waste of my time and my energy.

I also finally am experiencing myself letting go of worrying about anyone else in their chosen experiences which often turn out to be dramas and traumas that I've played in for years. I take full responsibility for putting myself in them--I chose to play the games that are all pretty much some version of the Sexual Energy Virus....and....now I'm discovering how easy it is to just step out of them and allow myself ease and grace while allowing everyone else to live their own lives and CHOSEN experiences. What a relief!

If you don't care about and appreciate yourself and choose to be well in all aspects of your life, then why the hell should I care about you?

Isn't it rather selfish to expect someone else to give a damn about you and your health--your joy in life--when you aren't taking responsibility for yourself?

If you're drinking too much alcohol, that's on you--I don't care. I just won't be around to watch you play out your poor-me, I'm-an-addict story....Blah, blah, fricken blah!

If you think taking legal or illegal drugs: anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, or any other mood-altering substance (even herbs) is helping you cope, guess again....you're flat-lining yourself. You're numbing and dumbing yourself down. Giving yourself a chemical lobotomy--is that your answer? 

Ultimately, we all know on some deeper level that you're running away from yourself, and if you don't look at the crap you're trying to avoid, and grow through it by allowing yourself to FEEL and realize who you truly are, you may as well call it all quits. Don't waste your breath whining about the storms and dark tunnels of the soul that ONLY YOU put yourself through....I don't care!!!! 

I don't give a crap anymore because I know ultimately that every single one of us is okay. That all these stories are Divine Creator beings pretending to be All-alone Little Humans. We've just been gaining COMPASSIONATE WISDOM about our own I Am selves and learning how our own fields of energy/communication serve these eternal points of conscious awareness that we each are....

The best way to rid yourself of old systems that no longer serve your best interests in well-being in all ways is to make them obsolete in your own life--take total responsibility for yourself, and take care of yourself, appreciate yourself.

Those crappy healthcare, insurance, economic, education, business, media, government--and technological--systems are being a service to you in that they are allowing you to experience what it's like to depend on your outer world to take responsibility for your life--their failures and betrayals will either cause you to go within and you'll wake up, or you'll die basically fighting with yourself. All those old systems are your own creation--your acceptance of a suggestion about how life works that you alone have made your truth.

When you quit playing and seeing yourself as the Victim in all your own creations--these OUTER world entities like organizations or other individuals--their energies become released, neutralized and integrated into your Body of Consciousness, and are now available to manifest in a new form and service more appropriate to your free and sovereign awareness of yourself.

Wake up!!! Stop looking outside of yourself for your answers. Stop limiting yourself by defining how and who you are as a single identity. You're so much more....I am so much more....

The apocalypse is on its way, and we'll all soon discover that even the few words I've written here don't matter either....

It's so liberating even though I really have no idea what to expect....I just feel so much lighter right now, and that's all I've got--my present--

An Imbalance Towards Masculine Doesn't Make the Male Species Bad Guys

The Sexual Energy Virus--currently an imbalance towards the Divine Masculine--does NOT make anyone of the male species the bad guy.

All it means is that one's own focus (female and male) has been on, and playing in, the outer world. You think you're just a Little Human trying to have just enough to survive and get through this life you don't see much reason for living. Most of your attention is on what's happening outside of you--not on the important creative part: what's happening within you.

How and What we observe is colored by our own perception 

Even god is placed somewhere "out there" by a lot of religious beliefs. Put that god right there within you--give yourself the chance to realize you're not alone and that you never have been alone....

The scientific method is based on what can be seen and measured and replicated outside--and the scientific studies often don't take into account the human bias of the scientist or its human subjects (if there are any), nor the bias of the individual reading and interpreting the study's results. Have you noticed you have to close those outward-seeing eyes of yours in order to feel and perceive what is happening within you? 

An imbalance to the Masculine often results in having difficulty loving yourself unconditionally. You keep looking to others to see you, respect you, tell you how great you are. All of which is just a looping mind trap of an ego trip. Others love of you is never enough if you don't love yourself first. It just becomes an energy-feeding frenzy which results in a lot of drama-trauma. Welcome to Soap Opera Ville.

To truly love means to accept every aspect of yourself....and....to do that you have to go broader in your viewpoints than the All-Alone Little Human part of you is capable of perceiving. You have to see yourself as a Divine Being learning about itself and how its own energy field serves it through having experiences while pretending to be just a limited human. Only the perspective of your own soul, your own divinity--that self-sovereign master within you--can help you see beyond those human experiences into the greater purpose of you.

You need your I Am that I Am perspective especially with the really crappy created adventures where you did some evil stuff resulting in feelings of guilt and shame about your behavior. Once you recognize all the compassionate WISDOM you've gained from all your created sojourns through all the ages all that icky stuff is released and integrated in as free energy to serve you in a new way.

This imbalance causes one to seek power and control over your external circumstances.

This is a Survival of the Fittest mentality.

Essentially, you're simply fighting with yourself because there is no one other than you inside your own field of energy radiated from your own I Am awareness. Those perceived "other than me" are actually blips of plasma you created based on your limited human perception.

The SE Virus causes Comparison to Others and Competitive Behavior

Because of the perception that the outer world is all there is and that there is only a limited amount of resources or energy to serve us, it's created a belief that in order for me to win, someone else must lose. If I am going gain more, then someone or something must have less.

We each have an energy field solely in service to our individual souls. Everything each of us needs--including the type of experience we want--is right at hand. You don't have to prove yourself worthy of it or earn it. It's inherent in every single one of us.

Be appreciative of this Earth realm and the experiences it helps us to have, and take care of it by allowing the planet the freedom to cleanse and balance itself. 

Don't waste your time pointing fingers at other humans--whatever comes from you returns to you. Pointing fingers always, always point at the pointer when all is said and done. Allow your own polluted consciousness to cleanse itself instead and you'll do more for this planet and all of creation than any cause or judgment.

Just say "No!" to jumping on the latest bandwagon in order to have friends.

Causes, the WOKE movement, Social Justice Warriors, Religious judgment--they are all outer distractions keeping you from discovering the wonder that YOU ARE....

As for celebrities and politicians and the news and much of the social media--how can you honestly believe they actually give a rat's patootie about their latest cause, much less you--especially when you watch them trying to tell you how to be and what to think, feel, make your truth? They are the star of their own show, which is how it should be for all of us. I don't like it when someone manipulates my perception of myself by trying to shame me for being a human alive on this planet--for simply existing....

Someone doing good things just because it makes them look great on the outside is on an ego-trip, and all those good deeds are made null and void in that person's own reality. All the good deed-doing is never enough for that person because they are looking outside themselves for being worthy of living. A person simply has to go within in order to discover you have all your own answers--they aren't meant for anyone else.

I used to read quite a bit, and the library has always been one of my favorite places to go. I enjoy romantic comedies, mysteries, and some fantasy fiction. In the last several years our library has acquired a wide selection of DVDs: movies and TV series. The awesome thing is I don't have to sit through mind-hypnotizing commercials for products I have no desire or need to acquire or learn about.

However, lately I've been reading only a few pages into a book, watching a few minutes of a movie, or an episode of a series, and finding the plots are full of dumb, unrelatable characters who often do nothing but have energy-feeding, dysfunctional relationships, find solace in booze and drug abuse, with meaningless sex sprinkled throughout--even when it really has nothing to do with the telling of a great story. Agenda-driven diversity pushes, WOKE manipulations, self-pity-promoting, finger-pointing Social Justice Warriors: they've all wrecked my enjoyment of watching a good and entertaining story. I'm not interested in your crap. Humans are capable of so much more than that shit....

Musicians whose music has inspired me to dance and sing along, and actors, script writers, directors and producers whose works have touched me through all these many years have caused me to quit listening because they used their celebrity to go all political. They tell me how to be and what I should feel passionate about....and....all their hard work at being a bright spot in the world for me disappears down the drain. I want nothing to do with them.

This Sexual Energy Virus has helped us realize that everything that matters--self worth, purpose, acceptance, energy--it all is found within thyself....not "out there."

And my beloved human female sisters--the men truly are not the bad guys....not in my stories....

Love vs. Fear and Its Effect on Relationships

Love and fear (not hate) are polar opposites.

Love is open and flowing. Fear is closed in, stuck and restrictive. Hate has fear as its core foundation.

Fear rolls itself up into a ball of offense and defense. It blames others--that world outside of itself. It armors itself with protective gear and weapons and places barriers all around itself. It lies to itself. All of that causes the personal creation of situations where the creator and perceiver of that reality attracts even more attacks on itself. You have to stop pointing fingers at others--and at yourself (meaning you have to be compassionate with, and all-accepting of yourself)--or that fighting stuff never ends for you.

Love lets go. It allows energies to freely flow without trying to manipulate or control them. It recognizes that all energies are in service to you alone so there is nothing to barricade out. The energies in service to all-accepting love manifest and then neutralize--or return to zero point--where they are then free to manifest again in a new manner that continually serves its creator, experiencer, perceiver.

This is all the difference there is between being expanded and consciously aware and awake versus being asleep in a greatly accepted hypnosis--a mere suggestion--about who and what you are. Are you a pinpoint of consciousness aware that it exists that's created a human costume in which to learn about itself, or are you an All-Alone Little Human just trying to survive on a speck of dust in the universe? Is there a purpose in you existing?

I see all of this as my own amazing virtual reality experience--outfitted solely/soul-y for me.

At its deepest, it's the fear of being absolutely alone in a void that drives beings to doing probably the worst acts in all of creation....

I liken it to trying to save a drowning victim who's so terrified that they lash out even at the one saving them--some to the point of even drowning their would-be savior.

I get manifested in my reality what I radiate out as being my truth in each present moment.

The Projector: I am the pinpoint of consciousness that radiates (shines) out onto a blank global screen of waveforms about 12.123 feet in radius all around and within me that then coalesces into matter according to my perception of myself, of creation, of existence. 

Every potential exists (both manifested and non-manifested) within that energy field that solely belongs to me. It's my way of communicating with myself. Everything is actually "right at hand"--all the heavens, all the realms, even places on the opposite side of Earth--physical and nonphysical are accessible by me. You see, I never actually move--my consciousness (my awareness) is eternal and still. Somewhat like an omni-theater screen, my energies move and flow in and out of manifestation according to my perception--what I accept as truth--of what I observe.

Most human marriages are karmic in origin....

That means two people are drawn back together (not necessarily as marriage partners in all lifetimes) time and time again in order to gain the wisdom to resolve whatever imbalance they got stuck in. Often the roles of victim and persecutor are switched back and forth until one of them wakes up and releases the story.

Many of my awakened peers either left marriages or never partnered with anyone in this lifetime of our realization and embodied mastery. You see, it's all about freedom and self-sovereignty. You can't bring anyone else along or even gift it to them--to do so would be to rob them of the ultimate joy of having their own realization their own way.

With that said, I am currently in a marriage that has lasted over 33 years. While I'm certain karma has had an influence on it, part of me also recognizes that we've lasted so long together because we'd made an agreement on the other side of the Veil to do it together for as long as it served us to do so.

So, what am I getting out of this marriage? How is it serving me?

I've discovered what a web of entanglement and self-delusion it can be to be in a relationship in the sense that it's so easy and convenient to blame any situation I put myself in as my spouse's faulty way of being. I can dump all responsibility for not loving myself or taking proper care of myself, not being kind and compassionate to myself, not allowing myself joyful abundance in any way, shape or form on him--because he just doesn't understand me and know, or even care, what I need. It's always all about him. He doesn't let me do stuff...blah, blah, blah...Oh the pity! Turns out that that can be a major, major seductive stumbling block of a distraction away from my realization.

I'm grinning because, yeah, I've thought, said and done all of that above stuff repeatedly....and I'm going with the idea that I did it so I could write about it in this particular blog post. Ha! Ha!

And....as long as I keep shoving responsibility for how I perceive and experience my life upon anyone but me--well, I'll never be free and sovereign ruler of my own life.

If it's in my life, I put it there--even if I'm miserable from it, I'm getting something out of it, or it would no longer be in my reality.

These are not finger-pointing blaming words either. I have found that realizing I'm the creator of everything I perceive means only I can un-create it. I just have to realize how to do that--and I can't do that from the Little All-Alone Human's very limited and narrow perspective. I need my soul--that divine facet of me that has the broadest, greatest viewpoint of all that I am.

I remember a time back in my tangent into world and government conspiracies when I was so terrified for the well-being of myself, my loved ones, humanity and Earth that I wanted my perceived enemies to just drop dead. It seemed the only solution--but I was crazed with fear. I kept hearing Yeshua's (Jesus's) admonition to "Love your enemies." 

And I knew that I had to know how to do that with sincerity, not with syrupy B.S. that everyone knows isn't truly felt. I had to shift my perspective around to see what gift even my perceived persecutors were bringing me in being exactly as they were....What were they helping me discover and experience about myself?

Ultimately, no one has done or does anything to me that I haven't allowed--or consented to acting out with whatever role-playing scene is currently onstage in our lives. It's ALL been for me....and that recognition has helped me to allow myself to be human and divine, to be perfectly imperfect, to go beyond this human identity I've built up over the years....

And....to being in a state of utmost gratitude for all parts played--just for me!

A Revelation in 2023: Is There a Teenager Within You?

"Hey! Are you a teenager?"..."Hey!...Hey! Are you a teenager?"...

The words were kind of faint, what with my headband covering my ears and my faux fur-trimmed hood pulled up around my face, impeding my peripheral vision as well as my hearing. I was the only person on the path around the soccer park, so far, or so I thought. I pivoted my head around to take in more fully my surroundings when I saw through the chain link fence that a few kids from the elementary school playground were headed my direction, led by a little, I'm guessing, 8-year old boy, and he was asking me, "Hey! Are you a teenager?"

My first thought was to reply, "No, Honey. I'm old enough to be your grandmother." I took a moment to choose a more tactful reply. With a delighted grin spreading across my lips, which I'm certain he couldn't see in the shadows of my hood, as he stood a good ten to twelve yards away, I said, "Ah...No, I'm quite a bit older than that."

"Why are you walking alone?" He asks.

"I'm enjoying my own company, and I like to get outside." Granted, these were not the most inspired answers, but I was caught totally by surprise.

Questions asked and answered, he bade me good-bye and one of his cohorts waved at me as they turned and headed back to the playground. God, I love kids!

As I continued my walk on this gloriously sunny 14-degree-fahrenheit day, with the pristine snow all around me glistening like a diamond mine with an iridescent blue ceiling overhead, I contemplated his question. Had teenagers been a phenomena they'd just been discussing in class? What prompted such a question? Was he interested in dating one? Whatever it was, I found myself walking--might have been a few skips in there--an extra couple laps around the park, feeling like a million bucks.

I'd been a kid on the playground once, idolizing all those amazingly cool and groovy (yes, I was a prodigy of the seventies) and beautiful, self-assured-seeming high schoolers passing through on their way to the cafeteria.

I couldn't wait for my husband to get home from work so I could share my news. Of course, we both came up with all kinds of clever replies to the are-you-a-teenager question: Kel's was, "Yeah! Several times over." Mine was, "No, but you just made my day." Another thought passed through my mind, "No, thank god!"

Of all the chapters in my life, being a teenager is not one I'd like to experience again. It wasn't bad really--it's just that I had put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and fit in. Plus there was that whole hormonal body-changing thing. I had no idea who I was, much less a whisper of what I wanted to be when I grew up. When I feel back into those days, I was so consumed with self-doubt and if-only-I-woulda, coulda, shoulda-s, that I walked around with a nervous stomach full of bees much of the time. I had a lot of hypnotic (and mostly well-meant) parent-teacher-preacher-peer tapes looping through my mind.

I certainly would not have been caught dead dressed the way I was yesterday. I was sporting my new toffee-colored Olympia down-filled stadium parka, Eddie Bauer flannel-lined polar pants tucked into Uggs snow boots, and a headband and mittens. I know--I was just "sick" with being on trend, a real late-late-late-bloomer. Last fall I'd decided that I was going to get out and make myself walk daily throughout the winter if it wasn't too icy--and that I was going to have warm enough gear that I couldn't use our sometimes sub-zero temps as an excuse not to get outside. I love nature and I love all the seasons. I feel so good after being out in it, even if it's just a few minutes--and it does wonders for my attitude about life.

When I was a teenager (late 70's, early 80's), I didn't think it was cool to be dressed to actually be warm. I shivered my buns off through most of those years in a polyester-filled short ski jacket. And, heaven-forbid, I mess up my hair with a cap. I don't remember what I had for snow boots, except that I know I didn't own the red-laced, round-toed mountain boots that the more popular girls, whom I admired and envied, wore at the time. I did have a pair of wavy-soled Earth shoes, though, and my jeans were Wranglers with rivets. I also had a pair of red-soled saddle shoes from the fifties that made a comeback in the seventies.

I had enough clothes, and sewed many of my shirts and dresses and skirts, thanks to a patient mom who taught me how to sew, but my closet wasn't jam-packed by any means. We bought a couple pair of jeans for the school year, along with a sweater or two, and new socks and underwear. I remember getting teased once for wearing the same green V-necked sweater over and over. All the clothes I wore had been freshly laundered, but I did have my favorites, which I wore quite a bit. We also had school clothes and then the everyday clothes we changed into when we got home to the farm.

Actually, I still have that trait of wearing the same thing. I veered off it a few years ago and played with allowing myself to have a full closet, but I tired of it and gave most of them away. However, I walked away from the experience knowing more what types and styles of clothing suited me and how I spend my time. I had quite a bit of fun with the experience, and then I was ready to clear my closets and lighten things up.

I don't know if you could even use the word style with the era of my teenage years. In looking back with what I know now, we girls were being strongly encouraged to test the waters of taking on what were traditionally men's careers, and that masculine element was reflected in the clothing fads of the time. I was good in science and math, and my career counselor was definitely trying to sell me on going into engineering or computer science.

Most of the time, we resembled no-nonsense office secretaries or the old ideas of how a librarian looked, and dressed in efficient earth-toned, subdued woolen, corduroy, or cotton twill skirts or pants with sensible shoes--a ruffled blouse being a concession to our femininity. The old ladies in the "Where's the beef?" commercial in the eighties springs to mind--except we sported perms instead of buns.  

Today's librarians are much more diverse and fun in how they dress--I recently complimented one of our librarians on how he was dressed. Yeah, I actually used the word dapper--it just popped into my head and I went with it.

I had fun my junior and senior years, and I just celebrated our 40th high school reunion last summer with several of my friends and classmates. They will always hold a special place in my heart--we were in it together, and we came through those tougher for some than others times relatively intact.

Some of the harder high school experiences get shoved to the back of my mind, but they still loop through from time to time. For instance, I was highly empathetic, didn't know it, and it wasn't a phenomenon understood by the average person at the time. Public speaking in front of strangers was an embarrassing horror story for me every single time. I did fine in my English class speeches with my classmates as an audience, but put me in front of people I didn't know and my sentences just fell apart. A barrage of feelings would blow my train of thought to smithereens--and there I'd be, blank of thought and bawling. I can laugh now, but it didn't feel pretty at the time. 

The speech teacher who wasn't even my own teacher (who I'm certain we had a karma thing going between us) belittled me even further and chewed me out for being such an abomination to speech after I embarrassed myself while talking with the school board about allowing us to put our band and chorus credits toward graduation. He may have wanted to help me by getting me to take his course, but degrading me didn't support his efforts, if that indeed is what he was going for.

 I've been spending more time with this post than I initially thought. I wasn't going to over think it and just allow myself to enjoy my wonderful Are you a teenager? moment. But it's caused me to make some connections, and I feel they are important.

You see, I lost a teenager last spring--my nephew. He'd just found it too hard to cope and he took himself out without really giving me or his dad and brother or the rest of his family--people who loved him--the chance to really let him know he wasn't alone. I'm keeping myself open to going beyond with this story--letting it unfold in the very strong hope that it all has a greater, grander purpose yet to be revealed. 

And....I still miss him right now....at the time of his passing, I mourned the loss of him and how he went about it--something I've learned I need to do to keep things flowing and balanced for myself. I've learned to allow all of it--the pain and the sorrow....and....I 've learned to also keep myself open to hope. I trust myself that I wouldn't have created this story for myself without something more in heart and mind--something like an ultimate blessing....

Those teenage years are bridging years. Those are some of the toughest times a person can experience--leaving the old and familiar and pressing forward into the unknown brand new. As a young kid, about the age of the little boy on the playground, I clearly remember dreading growing up. It wasn't that I didn't want to take responsibility for myself--I had chores and was taught quite well by my parents how to take care of myself. It was the fact that I think I was still young enough to be somewhat consciously awake yet--not yet so deeply indoctrinated into thinking I was just a Little Human at the whim of some other puppet master. 

I think I had an inner sense of knowing I had laid out for myself some tough and challenging experiences ahead, like losing loved ones to death, losing my home on the farm--my safe and sacred space. We humans go through a great deal of loss in many ways on this road to wisdom....and we're in the midst of that right now in an unprecedented way....

These are bridging years, my beloved humanity, and we're all teenagers once again, leaving the old behind, bodies transforming along with life as we once knew it. It's all going brand new. While there are some truly warm and fuzzy beautiful moments and experiences in our past, there were a lot of tough things, too, that we just muddled through and handled the best we knew how at the time, even if it may have looked retarded to someone else. The point is, we're here....and....we did it all together. I don't care what roles you played--good, bad, or ugly--or what side of the Veil you're currently inhabiting. We did it--and you all have my immense gratitude for the ways in which you touched my life, because through it I gained so much wisdom for myself, for my soul....and that's infinitely precious....

My beloved little gentleman, you have no idea what a bright light you were in an idyllic winter day in Minot, ND, or that you would inspire a dreamwalk into the days of my youth. I'm still laughing and smiling and couldn't wait to write about it. It was definitely a Dear Diary moment for me. With young and inquisitive and forthright and brave, sweet people like you in the world--well, I just can't help but celebrate that our world, even though it seems to be a jumbled, ruined mess at times--it's in good hands....we're building bridges....Thank you for being an absolutely delightful story in my book....

January 12th, 2023--I'll never forget it! It was grand!

We're All in This Together: It's Not Women Vs. Men

My beloved women and men: No one is to blame, and everyone has been affected by this Sexual Energy Virus--this imbalance in the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine--in consciousness.

When I consider the book of Genesis in the Christian Old Testament, the first separation of a souled being was to divide itself into a divine masculine and a divine feminine half. But they originated from the same source. Please understand, I'm not looking at this from a human gender standpoint. I'm seeing this as my own soul or spirit splitting itself into two divine and different halves in order to know itself better.

Have you noticed that to feel into yourself--to focus your awareness within--you generally have to close your physical eyes?

The SEV (sexual energy virus) had a purpose, in that it was a means of ultimately driving each of us inward to discover our true creator selves, instead of focusing on the outer world around us and our trying to manipulate and control that. 

Trying to control our creations is actually an illusion called "Power." 

Power is like a dog chasing its tail--we go in circles, never getting off the loop, never going beyond into something more. It's seductive and distracting to play in--or fight and struggle in--but after many lifetimes of it, it gets really old and you find yourself longing, yearning for something more....and....that is where awakening to your true self comes in....

Duality had a purpose: 

Duality helps us to better know thyself through experiencing our contrasting polar opposites: Light cannot be perceived without the contrast of some Darkness, etc.

Here's the deal: We have a dual brain. Every human on Earth, with a very few exceptions, regardless of gender, has a brain with two hemispheres--a right side and a left side, bridged by the corpus collosum. Each half has specific functions unique to that part and we need both parts in order to function properly. 

One side is not meant to be dominant over the other (it's an unnatural state of being for a brain's operation)--both sides should rule in partnership. Each are different in the qualities they have to offer but both are equally important to the balanced functioning of the whole. Have you worked in jobs where it was either mostly women or mostly men? I can speak from experience--it can get miserable quickly. 

I see the right half representing the Divine Feminine which is intuitive and knows it's connected to the Eternal Source and All That Is. It understands quantum creation/manifestation. Quantum means energies flow to and in us as wave forms moving in all different directions in order to take a form (particles of matter) for a moment specifically for that individual perceiving it.

Whereas, the left half represents the Divine Masculine which does the reasoning and is logical and linear. It helps us perceive and experience ourselves as a single human individual having the joy of experiencing our own creations and gaining wisdom from that--that's a tremendous gift to our soul. The masculine understands life from a cause-effect standpoint.

Now, put the two together, and we can have an unlimited number of experiences with all kinds of ways of perceiving them. We can play in stories and identities, but no longer feel stuck in them. Or we can simply have an experience, no story necessary.

Men are not the Bad Guys 

On purpose, and by agreement, our Divine Feminine was suppressed in order for us divine, spiritual, non-material beings to more fully immerse into a separate human costume in which to discover who we are and to explore our creations more sensually--more grittily--and in a perceivable sequential order of events--linearity. It was done to help us understand how our personal fields of energy served each of us. How did we get the experiences that we got?

How this looks on a practical level

As a result of that backing off of the Feminine. the Masculine was at the forefront in our human understanding of life. We were imbalanced--top heavy in the masculine, a very passionate and assertive nature--and every single human was affected by that, including men. 

In contrast, the compassionate nature--the Divine Feminine balancing counterpart that knew of its divinity and connectedness to all, was hidden, tucked away within. As in the Song of Solomon, all of us humans, men and women, wandered the earth realms outside of ourselves seeking our bride, the half that would balance us out as individuals. Little did we realize, She's been within us, with us every step of the way....

Men were disconnected from their own divinity as much as women. Plus, to be emotionally sensitive and intuitive were not qualities encouraged in boys and men--those exhibiting such traits were considered weak in most cultures for a very long time. That resulted in emotional immaturity in many cases because men just weren't aware of having emotions, much less how they were influencing their perceptions and, ultimately, their choices. I remember just shaking my head when my husband told of his boss telling them to not make "emotional decisions" in their management positions??? Most guys I knew at the time had no idea what an emotion was.

We pretty much all know how it was for women--we were perceived as much by ourselves as others as being second-class to the male gender until the divine feminine energies really began surfacing at the beginning of the twentieth century. There have been intelligent and intuitive women at the forefront of innovation and sovereignty-for-all throughout history, but they are just now being recognized. Many great women artists and craftswomen couldn't sign their own masterpieces.

Bless all those men and women who quit trying to fit in, who flouted convention and just followed their own hearts and passions.

We all saw ourselves as Little Humans just trying to survive on a planet which had some scary stuff going on. We weren't aware we were in costumes and just pretending....

What I am saying is there really are no Villains or Victims--we were all just playing out different scenarios in a safe and sacred space called Earth in order to learn more about oneself and how our own energies served us--a pinpoint of consciousness aware that it existed....

So let's work together at allowing it to naturally balance....we can each start by opening up to perceiving both the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine within yourself and embracing them.

Years ago, I had a young man approach me when I was out walking around the lake in Minnesota. I intuitively knew when I started out that I was going to meet someone and that it would be connected with the Sexual Energy Virus. Sure enough, it was a man feeling as though he was actually a woman trapped in a man's body--and he absolutely hated men! He raged with it, cracked jokes that portrayed men in a bad light. After several encounters with him seeking me out in order to dump all his frustrations and anger in my lap, not letting me get a word in edgewise, I finally wrote him a note telling him that he could get surgery and cut off all those parts he hated, but until he learned to embrace his masculine side, nothing would change....and then I disconnected from him for my own sake....

People often confuse homosexuals with being transgenders, and they are completely different concepts or manifestations. I've known a few homosexuals in my life, many of whom are very balanced individuals--some of the kindest, most empathetic and compassionate friends and loved ones I've ever had. I have felt safe and accepted around them. They never tried to press me into being anything other than who I am, and I think our media does them an injustice in portraying them as being one certain way. Just like with any heterosexual human, I prefer to relate with people one-by-one and not throw anyone into some pool of "this is how they are."

No one should be groomed away from accepting oneself exactly as they are. I realized for myself that Unconditional Acceptance is paramount as a base from which to launch any other experience....

Feeling sorry for oneself--encouraging and promoting pity and helplessness over one's situation doesn't help matters either. I observe people using the term "disease" as a whiny cop-out tool.

One of THE MOST helpful tools in my life is to view everything in my life--whether it be sexual orientation or identification or an abusive manner of coping or even a disease or an accident--I PUT IT THERE. No one outside of myself is punishing me. It puts the ball in my court so I can shift my perspective around to look at it to see what wisdom I'm gaining from the experience, and when I've had my fill, I CAN RELEASE MYSELF from it without struggle and overthinking it.

Pointing fingers does not help....struggling and fighting with what is actually one's own energies keeps the imbalance in play....

Isn't it a wonder? All this time I've been fighting with myself....