I Know I'm Playing, "Let's Pretend"

Playing in the dramas/traumas of the sexual energy virus is a seductive game--it's easy to get caught up in self-doubt and mental details that keep you worrying over things you can't control (and aren't meant to control). I realized this morning an easy way to pop myself out of playing in drama. Taking a conscious breath, I remembered this:

"I KNOW within that we're playing games of 
'Let's Pretend':

• Let's pretend I'm insignificant--that what I have to offer or say is meaningless to the rest of "more important" humans and their stories.
• Let's pretend we've got a disease and we're fighting it, trying to cure it...
• Let's pretend so-and-so is dying and leaving us permanently...
• Let's pretend we just can't seem to get along...
• Let's pretend I am POOR...
• Let's pretend you have POWER over me...
• Let's pretend we're fighting wars (pretty much like the Cowboys and Indians pretend games from my childhood)...

"I KNOW that these human bodies are the costumes we don in order to play our pretend games."

"I KNOW these human identities are simply a limited act--they aren't the whole or true me."

"I KNOW I am the master creator of my own reality, and that I can simply choose to harmonize with all you other master creators."

"I KNOW that All is well in All of Creation..."

Got Pain?

Got Pain?

Lie down. 
Close your eyes. 
Take a deep, down-into-your-belly breath:

FEEL into it...

EXPLORE the pain...

Pain is a sensual experience. If you try to avoid feeling it, that will prolong your suffering of it, because you're already in the experiencing of it. If you get out of your way, and ALLOW yourself to feel all the sensations of it--breathing it in and through and out, while exploring all your feelings, thoughts and emotions while in it--you'll FLOW it through and out of your reality much easier and quicker. You'll heal faster.

I often focus in on feeling into the throbbing, the ache, or the piercing, stabbing, burning, tingling--and I make the conscious choice to follow that pain to its source and center. Even if it makes my breath hitch--I take another breath and choose to feel into the hitch. Just dive in there and feel it! It actually can't hurt you any more than it already does. Just give yourself a SAFE SPACE and TIME to FEEL IT THROUGH.

We often think of pain as something bad, to be avoided. Look at the plethora of treatments and drugs humans use to try to handle and control pain. But look at the gift of a human who can feel pain. Paraplegics who've experienced the loss of feeling in their limbs would probably love to be able to feel the sensation of that doctor pricking his finger or toe. Being able to feel pain means we're also alive! Numbing a pain--physical, emotional, mental or otherwise--keeps it in place and the pressure builds from it not being allowed and released. It gets worse. Instead, KEEP FLOWING...

I unconsciously grabbed the barrel of my very hot curling iron a couple of days ago. I'm in a very different place now where I didn't berate myself for being stupid. That's the first thing I would have done in the past--I would have judged and cussed myself out for being such a mindless idiot. I knew it happened for my personal enlightenment, for my own freedom from an old consciousness approach--and I made the decision, then and there, to see it through with compassion for myself.

Anyway, I looked at my three very red fingers and noticed a blistering starting to appear so I plunged my hand under the cold water in order to stop the heat--and I kept it there until I got it cooled down. I knew I was putting off feeling it, but I also knew it was going to hurt eventually, and I was choosing to experience the whole thing consciously. After all, I was already immersed in the whole experience. I couldn't turn back time and undo the deed. I managed to curl my hair and fix lunch without using that hand too much. I even broke down and asked my husband to take care of washing the dishes for me.

Afterwards, I grabbed a throw and I layed down on the couch, closed my eyes--and feelingly explored the sensations. I didn't put anything on it--not even lotion or medications. I simply felt it--the white-hot prickly-tingly sensation similar to how it felt when I was a kid and my fingers and toes warmed up after freezing while out sledding. At a certain point--freezing and burning pretty much feel the same, or so it seems to me.

On into the evening, I felt the pain every now and then, but it had already dissipated quite a bit--even to the point that my warm bath water didn't hurt as badly as it had with burns in the past.

By the following morning, the redness had mostly faded, the skin was a bit dry, but none of it was uncomfortable anymore. I could fully use it once again. Today--two days later--I can't even see or tell that I burned it. I used to have scars for weeks on my neck from curling iron burns.

Now, this whole insight on pain--I've had for well over a decade--and I use it all the time. I've moved a lot of pain through over the years. Medications no longer work for me--I just end up stuck in the pain, along with more side effects and other symptoms. I've found it works best to just get out of my own way, and immerse and feel and explore the experience through. Don't be afraid to cry--tears can actually help flow the energies.

Clarity for the New Year

Close your eyes and FEEL into this:

"When I demand that I treat myself with Honor, Love, and Gratitude--when I accept nothing less than that from myself first--then my world naturally follows suit."

My life is a gift to me. If I don't view it or allow it as such, no one else will either.

Feeling Like the World is Out to Get You?

Are you feeling as though your world is falling apart and you have no control over it? Your mind is whirling trying to figure out how to stop the craziness, your emotions are all over the map, and your gut just tightens in WORRY. 

How do you quit this fighting to survive stuff?  The key is CONSCIOUS ALLOWING--allowing in full awareness that all of the above is going on within you, and realizing you don't have to figure out what to do about it--you just experience the experience....

Conscious Allowance is acknowledging that:  
"If it's in my life--I put it there." 

If it's in my life, I've adopted it into my own reality landscape--no one forced this on me. 

Be aware of the mental programming inside that wants to keep me playing the Victim--because acting out that role keeps whatever issue in my reality--it densifies it even more.

Close your eyes and feel into this CONSCIOUS ALLOWING:

If it's in my life and I put it there, I'm the only one who can CHOOSE to let it go: "I'm doing this to myself." 

If I fight with it or try to control it, it'll stay. 

So I take a deep and conscious down-into-my-belly breath and I OPEN my energetic field and just FEEL myself FLOWING; I drop my weapons and my protective armor. I let go of the story and its details.

If I accept that I PUT IT THERE and IT'S SERVING ME on some level, that I'm benefiting from it (maybe because I like playing "Victim")--just CONSCIOUSLY ALLOW IT, while honestly admitting that it irks me--everything will change.

It will change because I'm now consciously aware of it--that conflict within myself--and I'm choosing to ALLOW my own FREEDOM of being.

Everything will change because I've opened up myself without judgment--my consciousness--and the energies that serve me in manifesting my reality--my radiation of consciousness--match that radiant ease and grace.

I take another conscious breath--and I just CHOOSE to ALLOW myself to RECEIVE JOYFUL ABUNDANCE in EASE and GRACE. And so it is--no need to try to mentally figure anything out.

Open and Allow...Allow...Allow yourself to be...

YOU ARE the CREATOR of your own life experiences--your own reality.


The New Lullaby

I love you, and your daddy does, too,

Guiding and loving the best we can do.

Remember this thru' time's trickling sands:

You're in the most loving hands.

Life has its sorrows, and life has its joys--

Scraped knees and tumbles, soft kisses and sighs.

Taste it all, understanding in full

The purpose for this time.

When you've tired of fighting lost fights,

Your dreams all seem broken, no hope left in sight.

You'll pick yourself up and dry the tears from your eyes,

And separate truth from lies.

Life has its sorrows, and life has its joys--

Scraped knees and tumbles, soft kisses and sighs.

Taste it all, understanding in full

We need Our Darkness to see Our Light!

I love you, and your daddy does, too,

Guiding and loving the best we can do.

Remember this thru' time's trickling sands:
You're in the most loving hands--

You're in Your Own loving hands...

Taking the Fear Out of Making a Wrong Choice

In new conscious awareness, you can't make a wrong or bad choice. You can even make a choice that you'd think was obviously a bad one, and have it turn out to be an enjoyable manifested experience. Here's why:

It's all about you consciously RADIATING FULL TRUST of YOURSELF--the energies that serve you will match that radiation of integrity.

Where there is full TRUST of SELF, 
there is NO SELF-DOUBT.


However, 

where there is JUDGMENT, 
there is SELF-DOUBT.

A hint of radiated self-doubt, a hint of FEELING as though one's INTEGRITY in any situation is not fully intact--that will warp your point of conscious presence enough that you put up an energetic protective barrier around your field of energy.

The energies coming in to serve you match your radiated consciousness. They feel that friction, that barrier of unease, that attempt to monitor or control them, and they give you something to protect against, some type of conflict then gets created in your experience.

If you are RELAXED, OPEN and consciously ALLOWING--FEELING this--then no matter what choice you make, even if it seems like it could be a bad one, the energies that serve you are flowing to you and through you without hindrance. There are no guards or walls--and because of that openness, they respond in kind. Your body of consciousness is allowed to be at ease without being caught up in some constructed conflict. Simply because your inner pinpoint of awareness is not conflicted in the first place--you're flowing and allowing and at ease.

You cannot choose potentials that you cannot perceive. 

In the first place, you have to open yourself up to the possibility that those OTHER potentials actually exist.

What if we believed we only live in a black and white world because that's all we see, yet there are multitudes of color to select and experience, but we don't open up to the possibility they're there because all we see is black and white? We tell ourselves that either black or white is all we have to work with, so just pick one, dammit! That's just the way it is, and just get used to it.

We're used to our choices seeming to always head down one very narrow path with very limited expectations about the outcome. Judgment (regardless of whether you deem something "good" or "bad"), and the deeply ingrained self-doubt that one feels, also LIMITS the potentials that one can see. A PERCEIVED limited potential set of choices then keeps the outcome limited. Basically, we keep repeating our past experiences over and over again, they're just packaged differently.

For instance, I recently had someone tell me about an investment opportunity they had. They weren't looking for me to invest, but my JUDGMENT of the thing was, "It's a scam." I didn't tell the person that, but I did warn them to beware of such things, all the while knowing I had to honor their sovereignty and choice of experience. I honestly wasn't at ease with our conversation--I was scared for the outcome, afraid I was going to have to allow them to get hurt. But then I became aware that it was JUST MY JUDGMENT of the deal that was the only thing limiting my body of consciousness--MY EXPERIENCE. My friend was simply an actor for a script I HAD WRITTEN.

What I first JUDGED as a BAD CHOICE suddenly opened up. I saw potentials my friend could experience because of making that choice--and instead of the BAD OUTCOME I was first certain was headed his way, I saw really great possibilities for his journey, and grand things that could come out of it. The original, very limited, set of seemingly bad potentials opened quantumly-wide to an infinity of potential experiences. Anything became possible--even something miraculous--and it all originated from the making of what intially seemed like a "WRONG" choice.

In the end, it didn't matter what choice my friend made--all that mattered, ultimately, was really how I perceived it. That was all that mattered all along. By consciously choosing to feel into the situation, and by honestly acknowledging how I felt and that I had indeed been judging the situation and trying to make a right choice--I became aware of my own radiation of consciousness. I then opened up to viewing it from different perspectives--like what could possibly happen across a broader stretch of time, rather than a few singular traumatic moments--and I wrote a new open-ended script for my friend. I set us both free, and my world changed.

For one thing--I got this huge Ah-HAA! out of the deal!

The conversation with my friend was synchronistic for me in that I'd just heard someone ask Adamus Saint-Germain for advice on where to invest a windfall that they'd come into. Adamus said to just avoid anything secretive and to simply make sure they had what they needed in the present moment to enjoy living. A great stock portfolio or having a lot of money in the bank didn't necessarily mean a person was LIVING ABUNDANTLY. His point was that stockpiling anything, even money, wasn't allowing abundance in a person's life. Hauling around and storing loads of anything is a burden--that's not necessarily a joyful living experience. I have observed some wealthy people display paranoid behavior--a fear that everyone was out to steal from them. That didn't look like a fun life to me.

Adamus's point was that each of our inherent abundance is in the present moment--no worries or cares about where it came from--you just have it the moment you need it. And that we've all been abundant always--many of us have just chosen to focus on pretending to have an abundance of a LACK of ABUNDANCE.

I also realized that it was the SECRECY aspect surrounding any investment that Adamus was referring to, more than anything else, that was probably the biggest factor affecting how one gets their financial income. Secrecy implies a LACK of INTEGRITY. And anywhere there is a FEELING of a lack of integrity, you have FEELINGS of SELF-DOUBT.

That self-doubt, lack of self-trust, distorts everything in a twisted way. Self-doubt pretty much equals conflict.

So, it still simply comes down to this:

Don't judge. 
Don't think. 
Don't worry. 
Don't analyze. 
Let go of expectations of an outcome.

Simply be aware of how I'm FEELING inside, and take a simple breath and CHOOSE to:

1. OPEN UP my field of energy...weapons down, armor off...

2. ALLOW the energies to serve me in grace and ease...no need to try to figure out how or what...

3. RELAX...take it easy...this enlightenment happens naturally if I stay out of my way...

4. ENJOY the FREEDOM...

So! Blood Is Thicker Than Water, Huh?

I often wonder about the insanity of the conflicts in this world, and I think to myself:

"How hard is it to JUST CHOOSE to get along with one another?"


I can't count the number of times I've seen re-postings of some Facebook blurb about the importance and love of one's family, whether it be siblings, parents, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. Supposedly nobody else will understand you or accept you unconditionally like your family is willing to do.

What I read, and what I see actually practiced are two opposite things. Lately, there's been a whole lot of verbal bashing of Muslims going on, but people seem to forget that anyone making the sensational news headlines are extremists and terrorists. They aren't representative of everyone in that culture or faith--they aren't representative of most people.

Christians who are fighting Muslims, and vice versa--they're fighting FAMILY. The Muslim, Jewish and Christian faiths all came out of the family of Abraham. They are all one big, not-so-happy family at this point.

If we trace humanity's roots all the way back to where we ALL are the children of the Source of All That Is--well, we can include Buddhism and Hinduism and all other religions in our family. ALL of humanity--all races--become one big family.

So why are people trying to kill off their brothers and sisters and cousins, and spewing vile and totally IGNORANT nonsense about each other? Why are people trying to control others instead of allowing themselves, and others, freedom? Why aren't family members seeking to resolve their disputes? Why are people choosing the destruction and tragedy and trauma-drama of war--conflict-- instead of consciously CHOOSING to live in harmony?

It's because the old consciousness, off-balanced to the masculine extreme, has been about POWER and CONTROL. It was based in an aggressive survival of the fittest concept, and had very little to do with love and compassion. Being off-balanced to the Feminine would have also been detrimental in its own way, which is why the new consciousness is balancing the Masculine and Feminine in full partnership.

The sexual energy virus is here as a means of making us aware of that imbalance--it makes us aware that looking for acceptance outside of oneself first makes one subject to a great deal of trauma and drama. Eventually, I quit looking for others to prove they loved me, and allowed me to accept my own unconditional love first. I freed myself. When I did that, anyone outside of me was easy to compassionately accept. I don't mess in other's lives--I allow myself and everyone else their freedom and sovereignty. The virus served me well--I took ownership of my life and I began to live it as a gift instead of a test or burden.

A basic tenet of war: Divide and conquer.

Pretend, for instance, that you're trying to get control of the masses:

How do you go about it? You breed inner turmoil--within the one self, thus it spreads to the entire family. You get people to believe they're separate, and too different from one another to get along peacefully. You perpetuate the idea that they have nothing in common. You encourage self-righteousness and get them invested in perceived slights. You feed VICTIM/PERPETRATOR-CONSPIRATOR scenarios--the sexual energy virus in consciousness. You get people to fear themselves and what they're capable of--get them to identify with being a "sinner." You teach them to not trust themselves, yet you pump up their egos by telling them they are superior to the other members of the family. You nurture insidious lies in order to get people to forget that they're actually family.

That way they kill each other off--by the millions sometimes--and you dub them macho hero warriors, giving them and their surviving families worthless shiny metals for valor and sacrifice. Then you get to be the last one standing.

How does that feel, oh Blind, Deep-Asleep-In-A-Hypnotic-Belief-System Little Human? You perpetuated the shedding of a lot of blood just to make yourself feel safer. Do you feel safe? Or are you still tip-toeing around in fear of that shoe that's going to squash you?

If you wake up from that hypnosis of believing you're just a Little Human and forgive yourself for doing heinous things while being asleep in a belief and not remembering who you really are--your life will change. That shoe doesn't have to drop. I've written over and over again in this blog about accepting responsibility for every aspect of ones life, of loving oneself and of forgiveness of self; so I'll leave you to peruse, if you choose, any other post here that captures your attention.

Remember, Christians, the story of Saul, the persecutor of Christians, who renamed himself Paul after realization of the Light of Christ within himself while on the road to Damascus. He renamed himself because his nature had changed. He was no longer that killer of Christians. That murderer/warrior act was NOT who he really was. It was a character-role he played until he AWAKENED and CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE to step out of it--to release himself from that old identity--and play a different, enlightened one.

It's been my experience that even immediate family members don't always get along as nicely as those Facebook posts like to try to pretend. I grew up with seven siblings, and I had my fights and disagreements over the dumbest things, just like everyone else.

One of my favorite back-door war tactics was to go tell Mom what so-and-so did, instead of taking my beef to the person involved in order to work out a resolution with them. I did it both as a child and as an adult. It was so damn easy to run and whine and complain to Mom (who allowed me to do that instead of telling me to shut up and go talk to my "naughty" sibling myself). Mom held a lot of energy for my family--and it took its toll on her health. We dropped all our emotional baggage about other family members on Mom.

One of the best things Mom did when we were little and fighting with each other was to simply send us to our separate rooms for some time and space away from the dispute. Emotions cooled and clarity often replaced the crazy survival of the fittest mechanism. Time outs are good, my friends and family. You get the chance to get really clear about who you are and what really matters when you spend time alone with yourself, away from the confusing mass consciousness of other people--including that via the TV, the phones, and the computers.

It was a difficult and scary thing to take matters into my own hands and talk with individual family members about changing the dynamics of how I related with them. It seldom came out pretty and easy, mainly due to me having suppressed my true feelings for so long. And, honestly, once I allowed myself to express myself truthfully to the person in the moment, I realized it had NOTHING to do with trying to change the other person. It was about me letting me leave that old familial "Penny" character role that I'd been unconsciously and automatically playing for my entire life until now.

I still love my biological family members--each and every one--but it's definitely a more unconditional and appreciative and Hands-Off compassionate love than the one I felt before when I pretended to be the insignificant and unworthy Little Human Penny who tried to be perfect, and failed. I tried to be pleasing to everyone, to be agreeable and supportive of every one's passions--but I did it at the expense of not allowing myself to truthfully express myself. I did it at the EXPENSE of MY FREEDOM. I put everyone else before me--and then I wondered why I felt so angry and resentful and taken for granted at times? When you hold all of that energy inside of you for so long--it blows up on you, either physically or emotionally or both.

I realized no one outside of myself was going to love me, or even could love me enough--ever--until I loved, and opened up and allowed myself to RECEIVE it, first in my own consciousness and life. The fact that each of us exists--that "I am...I exist!"--is all that actually matters to each of us, but we've been mentally programmed by mass consciousness to feel guilty about that. We have mental tapes running away inside our heads telling us that that is a selfish and completely unacceptable way to be!

So every one of us humans has this inner conflict going on inside ourselves: 

"I am actually all that matters to me, but I can't admit or accept that because that's such a 'WRONG' way to be."

That old consciousness POWER PLAY perpetuates the born in sin bullshit belief. People don't trust themselves, so they let others outside of themselves act as mediums between them and their OWN Divinity/their own Source of Life--between them and their own soul. They accept others SUGGESTIONS and SUBJECTIVE PERCEPTIONS about health, money, love--basically about all forms of abundant living. They unquestioningly allow others to tell them how to perceive life experiences, how to be, and what to do.

People let others tell them how to live their own unique life expression--and we wonder where the passion for life has gone?

People whine and complain to, and about, their leaders and neighbors--just like I did to my mom. But those leaders and neighbors--FAMILY MEMBERS--are only acting out the scripts each of us writes for them to play specifically for each of us. Humans worship all kinds of idols and relics and get invested in silly games and rivalries over slights most no longer remember the origins of. They hypnotically live out lives of boring MEDIOCRITY, and seem to dig up something to squabble over just to break the monotony, to try to convince themselves they're alive.

What if there's something new and better--more passionate--to experience and all it takes is to unconditionally ACCEPT and FORGIVE all the old identities and roles--to release ourselves and all our family members from the old acts? Admittedly, it wasn't easy having those talks with loved ones in place of running to my mom. I bawled and I screwed up my sentences--and probably didn't make much sense to the other person.

But I did it, and I knew in my heart where I was coming from--that was ultimately all that mattered. I had chosen to more clearly and responsibly look at my own creations--the relationships I CREATED with others--and all without physically harming anyone or blaming anyone for what I had chosen to put myself through. I released each of us from my old story of us.

And I left a door open to re-connect with each person in a new, sovereign, and more consciously aware--and enjoyable--way.

Here in the United States of America, we've already lived through a Civil War, where brother fought against brother. It wasn't pretty, it left our land in rubble, and it scarred our relationships with each other. It haunts us somewhat to this present day.

ALL the conflicts going on all over the world are CIVIL wars. When it all is said and done--brothers and sisters and cousins are warring with each other, no matter what religious, national or other organizational flag they fight under.

Years ago, during my walks alone, I heard myself singing these lines over and over to myself:

"The answer lies within you--
I found it here in me.
How much more must we endure before we're all free?"

The Seduction of Being a Victim

The seduction of being a victim is you get attention.

When there are no more victims, the abusers will dissolve away...

And the Sexual Energy Virus in Consciousness will be done,

because the Masculine and Feminine will be in balanced partnership.

To play the role of Abuser means you're feeding off, or stealing, the energy from others (Victims) who are ALLOWING you to do so. You CANNOT feed off another unless they give you permission to use them in that way.

The tricky part though, is that when you play the Victim, you are the one ALLOWING another being to abuse you. You are feeding the story, the drama, the illusion. And when you use your victimhood in order to get attention from others, to get pity, to commiserate, to fit in--you're suddenly the abuser, too--the energy feeder/sucker. You're stealing energy from another who commiserates with you, or who politely allows you to vent and then feels sorry for you. And around the never-ending Misery-Go-Round you go.

The Victim role is a slippery, insidious and seductive little sucker...

The big question:
"Why do they--my victims--allow me to do that to them?"

My soul has another human expression, for lack of a better understandable description, a past-life incarnation who played the role of a very dark and terrible--evil--woman who perpetrated some extremely heinous abominations on fellow human beings. She was after POWER and CONTROL, and she totally immersed into darkness. I call her the Dark Lady.

Because of her, I carried over a great deal of guilt into this particular lifetime--which I finally released myself from by simply FORGIVING MYSELF. That was NOT me! That was a human totally blind to her Divine Creatorship--she was completely unaware of her "I am that I am." As I've mentioned many times before, I've realized this Earth is a playground for spirit, a place to play-act in order to discover oneself--and that we can't harm any soul eternally or permanently.

I realized that the Dark Lady did all those cruel and terrible things because she believed she was only a Little Human just trying to survive in what she believed was a cruel world. She was deep asleep in the hypnosis of "I'm just a SCARED Little Human trying to get some semblance of power over that fear--Kill them before they kill me, and make sure they're too scared to even try!"

The true gift of the Dark Lady, though, has been her question, "Why did my victims allow me to do that to them, over and over and over again?"

Why do people stay in abusive relationships and allow themselves to be hurt continuously? Why did friends allow some "expert" or doctor--basically another human as imperfect as oneself--to diagnose them with a permanent label, and a prescribed drug use that left them feeling like a zombie walking through their own life? Why do they still, after decades, continue playing that character-role and make that diagnosis their truth? Why do people let parents, friends, teachers, doctors, preachers and psychics tell them what's "wrong" with them, what kind of life they have to live, and what to expect from the future? Why do we humans passively hand over our life to someone, or something, outside of us that can't possibly know us, and can't begin to appreciate one's own existence as much as the individual living that Unique Soul Expression?

I have asked myself that question constantly--and I keep seeing the hypnosis. Humans just keep playing the same old game over and over again--sleepwalking through life, victims of life.

We take all these SUGGESTIONS, and that's all they are, about how life is on Earth: here is what it's like and this is how you do it--we program our kids with it--and very few question the validity, or truthfulness of the belief that's the flavor of the moment. We live out these gifts of life in unquestioning MEDIOCRITY.

The Benevolent Rebel in me chose to question and challenge all the diagnoses and labels and LIMITING, FREEDOM-SUFFOCATING ideas and beliefs. To challenge a belief doesn't mean standing on a street corner or behind a podium trying to gain followers. You actually don't need followers to live your own life. It means quiet time, being alone with oneself--and being honest and choosing clarity.

My beloved Adamus Saint-Germain, an ascended master, has constantly been reminding me, "If it's in your life, even if you don't like it, you put it there. You're deriving some BENEFIT from it--it's serving you in some way. You've allowed it, you've adopted it--otherwise it would not be in your life."

I came into this life expression, determined to explore and understand the benefit of being, playing the victim. I began my study of the subject of the Sexual Energy Virus in Consciousness in the most obvious way by being a victim of sexual molestation when I was young. Click this link to read that story--Overcoming the Victimhood Addiction.

But that was only the tip of the Victim iceberg. We can be the victims of many things in many ways. I can be the victim of a disease, an accident, a family or intimate relationship, a business or government or school relationship, a spiritual or religious relationship. I can pick any subject or tangent, and I can play a victim role in it--if I choose, if I am RADIATING out from my single point of conscious awareness that I am a VICTIM in my life.

The past is only an insubstantial memory stream running through my human mind--it doesn't have to take form, it doesn't have to affect my PRESENT moment at all. It only stays in my presence NOW because I insist on dwelling on it, building and honing my stories about it, focusing my present attention on it, re-creating it over and over with every emotion-charged breath--instead of simply forgiving myself, and any others, and releasing myself from the story. The past is gone--it's only as real as I MAKE IT IN THIS PRESENT BREATH AND MOMENT.

We're basically little kids playing, "Let's Pretend: You be the Bad Guy this time, and I'll be the Good Guy."

And we take turns playing various roles for each other. The problems arise when we forget that we're playing "Just Pretend"--when we forget that we're not that character-role, that human identity or even personality that we've been playing for so long. We get stuck when we don't CHOOSE to simply let the story go--unconditionally accept and forgive and let go.

For instance, what if the contractor I hired to roof my house didn't do as he promised? What if what seemed like a really good deal turned out to be a pain in the ass? What if he messed up some things, and I had to do it myself in order to get it done properly? What if he didn't return to finish the job, in a timely manner, that he'd started--and all of this after I'd already paid him out of the kindness of my heart because he gave me a pitiful story of needing the money right then? What if he finally finishes the job months, and many rains, later--but he's mad at me for hounding him? What if two years down the road, I discover water soaking into my ceilings because of a roof leak due to improper roofing? How do I fix this? Is there ever going to be a solution, an end to the matter that doesn't take up so much of my time and energy?

But we keep identifying with, and holding onto memories of what happened yesterday instead of starting fresh, clear, and new in the NOW. We build the story even bigger in our minds by worrying--which is emotionally-charged fear. We get so caught up in the mental stream of dramatic, worst-case scenarios that we close off our windows of clarity to the extent that we can't even imagine the very real potential of having an intact roof without any effort. If you can't perceive or even open up your consciousness to seeing that potential--you're not going CHOOSE to manifest it. Creators of their realities make CHOICES. You're CHOOSING to stay in that mess until you CHOOSE to let it, and yourself, go free.

Instead of FORGIVING ONESELF--which is simply saying and realizing that that was NOT ME! I played, for a time, the role of a Little Human Victim--but that role is NOT who I am! I was playing "Let's Pretend!--Let's pretend I'm the kind-hearted victim with a leaky roof, and let's pretend you're the  Big Bad Roofer."

In the first place, there is a prevalent mass consciousness BELIEF, suggestion, that contractors are never on time, that they will cut corners if you're not monitoring them closely, and that you shouldn't pay them a dime until the work is done to your complete satisfaction. Well, we're all imperfect humans, and yet we strive to force perfection from ourselves and others--isn't that ironic?

So what happens if you don't heed those mass consciousness warnings, yet you feel self-doubtful about that choice? What happens when you feel you maybe made a "WRONG" choice? What happens when you're feeling all that DOUBT about YOURSELF, and then you hire the roofers because they're available and you need the work done right away, and then you pay them before they're done?

Well, if you're like most of us humans--the first thing you feel, after DOUBTING YOURSELF, is GUILT and SHAME at being a "stupid human." And then you tell everyone you come in contact with about your "bad contractor and your sorry roof situation." You commiserate with other humans. You share your anger and your misery and self-flagellation with others. You RADIATE that "I am a Guilty Victim" consciousness. YOU GET MORE PLAY out of the story--and playtime can be fun on some level, right?

After awhile, though, your head and body poundingly aches from the tension of all that inner turmoil, you're feeling awfully nauseated and dizzy and confused on that Merry-Go-Round amusement park ride, and you find yourself screaming at the ride operator, "Shut this damn thing off! Let me off!!!"...Ahem...YOU ARE THE RIDE OPERATOR and CREATOR. Only you can stop it.

You continue to walk around feeling like a powerless fool without any solution in sight except one that's going to cost you a whole lot of energy, effort, time and money to fix. You get stuck in a vicious circling mind trap.

You're RADIATING out SELF-DOUBT: "I am a powerless, foolish VICTIM--and no way can I TRUST MYSELF!" And all the energies in service to you match that, ray for ray.

You've got a protective armor on--if you close your eyes and feel into yourself, you'll become aware of clenching your jaw, a tightness and roiling in your stomach and/or chest, and a slump in your posture. You're pulled in tight into a fetal ball, trying to protect yourself from any more painful blows. You're just trying to survive in this harsh and cruel reality.

That protective armor you're sporting, and those walls you've erected around yourself are what keep the energies (in service to you) hammering at you. DROP THE BARRIERS! 

If you take the SELF-COMPASSIONATE time to close your eyes, take deep down into your belly breaths, and HONESTLY FEEL into yourself--allow yourself to experience the entire ordeal fully, to observe yourself feeling the spectrum of anger and sadness and guilt to TOTAL FORGIVENESS, the energies will serve you with ease and grace.

Laugh at the wonderful story you created for yourself! Allow yourself to admit to the benefit you're getting from the story--why you're allowing yourself to play this victim.

Remember that no matter what stories play out here on the surface of things, we all UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE and accept oneself and each other. We're just role-playing together, and we act out each other's scripts, out of love. "Always, I exist!"... Nothing else matters...

When I FEELINGLY go to that peaceful gray-mist void, that place beyond TIME and SPACE, where I'm just simple awareness--no human body or story, it's like letting my computer's built-in virus protection take over. I shut off my old virus-infected computer, let it all go in forgiveness--none of it really matters. It was just an experience for my soul. 

Then I hit RESTART from that simple "I am that I am--I exist!" awareness where I have no past story--and it's all brand new and as easy as I choose life to be. From that peaceful "I exist" awareness, I see potentials of ease and grace to CHOOSE that I couldn't perceive when in the muck of the fight.

You just have to consciously CHOOSE to allow yourself to be in, and RECEIVE a life of ease and grace--NO LIMITATIONS. You deserve it! Breathe deeply and open yourself up consciously--drop the guarding walls around your energy field. You don't have to figure out a thing. You don't have to fix anything. Just let go of that story from the past--it's a mental stream of consciousness that you can simply step out of by realizing you exist, no matter what, and that was just a drama play-act you created, and that only you can RELEASE yourself from. Step off that stage.

Dont' worry.  Don't think.  Don't analyze.  Don't judge.

You're actually opening up your field of energy to ALLOW it to flow it all through you without judgment and mental analysis of the story and characters--this is what your soul does. The details don't matter. The old structure has nothing to stick to in your body of consciousness anymore--so it passes on through. Our  Little Human minds have been programmed through many lifetimes to try to be in control, and they're constantly monitoring us and telling us what's appropriate to feel and think--based solely on the Little Human's JUDGMENT of PAST experiences.

Our SOULS do not JUDGE:  And therein, lies the key to one's FREEDOM! I've had to tell my human mind to shut up because it wants to keep me playing the Victim.

You see, the Victim is such an easy way to relate, to converse with each other. Look how often we complain--commiserate--about the weather, our bodies, a virus, the government, business, our families, dramas and tragedies.

We use the Victim as a means to try to fit in with the rest of the world--and it's more than willing to accommodate us.

I don't talk as much when I'm not playing Victim. Does that mean I don't converse with others as easily? No. My sense of humor has improved drastically.

Probably the most insidious victim role for me has been with me and my husband--and we constantly trade off Victim/Abuser roles with each other. When you live with someone for so long in the old consciousness, you get comfortable playing an old identity--"This is how I am, and that is how you are. That's just the way we are. That's just the way it is."

I've had to constantly take a breather and remind myself over the years, and even in recent days, that what my husband chooses or does, DOES NOT HAVE TO AFFECT ME!  I got bizarrely comfortable in what is really a miserable mediocrity for both of us, all because it was familiar and maybe a little less scary than completely accepting responsibility for myself and my own well-being first. I didn't trust myself to provide a decent house for myself. I used to feel a lot of SELF-DOUBT BARRIERS go up when I contemplated getting my own car and home, and I caught myself trying to figure out how to get them. As a result, I mentally and emotionally pressured myself into that protective fetal ball--I barricaded myself in--and I created nothing but more angst and strife, and no house or car of my own. And my husband could never love me enough or do things quite up to my expectations.

I finally realized that TRUE LOVE MAKES CONSCIOUS CHOICES TO CHANGE, instead of feeding sucky stories for one another. Ours is not a physically abusive relationship--if it was, I'd leave. Instead, I speak up and point out that we're feeding off each other, it doesn't matter who's doing which--who's providing the energy and who's feeding off it.

Because my husband is only following my script for him, his act won't change until I quit owning, and identifying with, our past story. Our act together won't change until I FORGIVE myself, thus, naturally, him also: "That wasn't me! That wasn't him! We were just role-playing together."

It's time to let go of my old stories--to let go of feeling so guilty and ashamed of myself. It's up to me to CHOOSE to DROP MY PROTECTIVE BARRIERS based in the past, and consciously open myself up to receiving and living a life of joyful abundance, ease and grace. Nothing changes if I don't allow FREEDOM first for me. I can see then, how I then allow him his own freedom--it happens naturally.

I've realized that enjoying my life means I can let go of trying to figure out how to get what I want. I'm no longer limiting my potentials of CHOICE with expectations based on my past experiences. I remember that simple moment of self-awareness in a gray mist: "I am...I am!...I exist!" --and it all falls away, and opens up brand new...

I then see the colors, feel the textures, smell the aromas, hear the songs, the tactile, sensual beauty that is the Gift of Infinite Experience in a human form, on this beloved Earth, for that singular Spark of Divinity that I am. I zing with the passion of my abundant beingness. I have never lacked for anything...ever. I was a victim of living out a mediocre life simply because I chose it. No harm, no foul. I was enjoying the play...

And now I'm done with that act...

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I am...I Exist!...WOW! This--MY LIFE--Is a Gift!