"I need..." Indicates the Sexual Energy Virus Is Present

The next time you're in a busy shopping mall, grocery store, or superstore like Walmart or Target, find a spot where no one will collide with you, and close your eyes. Feel into the energies around you and flowing in you and through you--feel into what you're personally radiating out into your world. The mental and emotional energy I have always felt most prominent in such places is:

"I need..."

"I need something or someone in order to feel happy...to feel SAFE...to feel good about myself...to feel complete...to feel loved...to be accepted, noticed, appreciated..., etc."

A few years ago, this "neediness energy" would be such a bombardment of my senses that it literally stopped me in my tracks in the middle of the shopping mall or Walmart. It was embarrassing. I couldn't move either of my legs forward until I closed my eyes, took a self-compassionate (kind-to-myself) breath and centered myself in me in the moment. All it took was a couple seconds, but it would be frustrating when I would be trying to keep pace with my husband--he'd get exasperated having to slow up and wait for me because he didn't understand it at the time--ha!

My brother experienced the same thing. For a long time neither of us was too enthused about going shopping or into crowded places. While entering the grandstand area for a Taylor Swift concert at the hot and crowded ND State Fair, I found myself asking my husband to help me find a place to sit so I could get my head lower than my knees--I experienced nausea, the sweats, clamminess and dizziness, and nearly fainted. On our passage through the carnival rides on the way to the concert, I'd been meeting people's eyes (windows to souls)--and I was still learning at that time how I was taking on other's energy stories (empathing) and holding them as my own. That was another disconcerting moment which passed once I got a sip of water and some quiet breaths in a quiet spot. I enjoyed the packed concert without any incident afterward.  

Thankfully, I've gotten quite adept at just breathing and flowing all energies through me and haven't experienced this phenomenon while out shopping or while in huge crowds in more recent years. I have however, experienced lately that self-masters don't hurry while out walking (they saunter or run for the joy of it, but they don't rush because of time constraints), but that's a whole other upcoming post.

Any time you realize you or others ARE SEARCHING for something OUTSIDE of oneself in order to feel complete, safe, and accepted--you are dealing with what is known as the SEXUAL ENERGY VIRUS that permeates mass consciousness. 

The old consciousness energy of humanity has been off-balanced to the masculine and mental--a more aggressive, forceful energy. As the Feminine has come forth to take her place as a FULL PARTNER WITH the Masculine, the consciousness has become more compassionate and intuitive--and FORCE does not work in the new energy. SELF-AWARENESS and ALLOWANCE are the keys in the new world. I keep seeing PASSION as the divine masculine, and COMPASSION as the divine feminine--and the two dancing together in full partnership feels like the most wondrous of celebrations. But that's just my take on things.

Consciousness is Awareness of Self--"I am! I am aware that I exist." 

Mass consciousness is a term used to describe the myriad waves of SUGGESTIONS of what is emotionally or passionately believed to be truth by a large number of humans. Ideas like "This is just how it is in the world, and this is how you have to be, and what you have to do" are mass consciousness BELIEFS. These streams of consciousness are flowing all around, and in, and through our individual consciousnesses at all times.

Energy, which serves us unconditionally and abundantly, comes in to match our personally radiated consciousness-- emotions and passions--and pops into manifestation whatever potential we've focused our conscious attention on. This is why not all our thoughts manifest--only the ones that we're emotionally triggering, FEELING, or passionately focused on (even if we're trying to avoid those thoughts and feelings).

This is why it's important to be aware of what is going on inside of oneself at all times: "What am I radiating? Am I OPEN and FLOWING? Or am I barricaded in, closed off, protective of myself?" Most of us have been walking around, tightly wrapped, on the defensive or offensive, in survival mode--thus, we keep getting energies serving us by bringing forth things for us to fight in our manifested realities. If I'm radiating out that I have issues I need to resolve--if I have protective walls up in my energy field----the energies serve me by giving me issues to mess about with.

Energy Feeding is a symptom of the sexual energy virus, which is just like a physical virus that infiltrates weak spots in a physical body--only this is a virus in CONSCIOUSNESS. Humans feed off the energies of others in order to feel better about themselves or to feel more powerful. The core energy underlying any type of energy-sucking is a personal sense of powerlessness at not feeling able to FREELY live one's own life. It's grasping for CONTROL over one's life by trying to manipulate and handle the external reality. But feeding off others energetically only keeps one imprisoned in that reality landscape.

One of the most frustrating forms of energy feeders for me has been people who insist on being the victims in every aspect of their life. I actually sprint in the opposite direction when I see them approaching me. Ha!

If you contract a viral infection in your physical body, a medical doctor will most likely tell you to go home, drink plenty of fluids, manage the painful symptoms by using foods and symptom medications to keep energies flowing--and get lots of rest until it's run its course.

I would prescribe the same thing (except for the medications or drugs) in the case of realizing the presence of the sexual energy virus in a relationship with another being outside of you. Step back from the relationship--the presence of the others. Give yourself "a rest" from interactions with the party illusion. If you poke and prod around, and fight with a disease, it often just becomes more insidious and pesky and spreads like wild-fire. So it is with this virus.

Instead, disconnect, get out of your head (mind chatter yammering) and don't try to analyze or judge the situation to death. Simply breathe (walk, go for a drive, nap, get out in nature, or go in a room alone) to flow the energies through easier. Stories are less likely to stick to you if you simply CHOOSE TO ALLOW energies and feelings to FREELY FLOW through you, regardless of their form or charge. That means not trying to keep from feeling and thinking things you've judged as being "right" or "wrong." Just allow yourself to immerse in all of it--get the fullness of the experience. That is what our soul is after--simply an honest, authentic experience undiluted by Little Human limitations and programmed expectations of how we think a perfect human should be. Drink a bit of water, and immerse yourself in soothing baths, showers or pools (water is known to help flow consciousness)--literally wash away those troubles and pains.

If you truly want to release yourself from the situation, DO NOT commiserate and tell your stories to others to get sympathy.

First, accept full responsibility for having chosen to give yourself that experience in whatever issue. You don't have to have a justifiable reason--you simply chose an experience to get a better understanding, "just because." 

Then, when you can share the story with others from that perspective, you won't be perpetuating the virus through blame.

I know this is a hard one to resist--but commiseration and whining to others will perpetuate the energy-feeding for anyone involved, even those listening to your stuff.

"If it's in my life, I put it there, and I'm deriving some benefit from it."

We all fall off the horse with the venting and commiseration stuff at times, so be kind and self-compassionate--laugh at yourself, with yourself, and others--when you do.

Walk through life with a sense of humor about everything, and you'll realize you've mastered your life.

Give yourself the SAFE and SACRED SPACE time alone in order to help you step back out of the illusion enough to see it from a clearer vantage point. That way you'll become aware of other POTENTIAL CHOICES that you couldn't see while in the midst of the struggle of the energy feeding situation/illusion.

Because I'm confident in each of us having the answers for oneself within oneself, I now find it much easier to gracefully tell a loved one who wants to vent with me (energetically feed off) to just take themselves off for a walk alone and just breathe...and remember your own KNOWINGNESS.

The SEXUAL ENERGY VIRUS is not a conspiracy!

People use the terms "energy feeding" and "energy stealing" interchangeably, but I don't like to use the word "stealing" because it implies that we're "victims" of some "conspirator" or "perpetrator"--and a fight like that actually FEEDS the VIRAL ILLUSION, and keeps it in place LONGER in our reality of the moment.

Most of the time, humans are UNCONSCIOUSLY feeding off other's energies. You know, even the most evil-acting "energy stealers" are simply beings who are deep asleep in their own belief that the identity--the roles they play in this lifetime--is all they are. Please don't pity them or feel sorry for them--that feeds the "evil" story they have going even more. Just be aware that they are asleep, and there is nothing you have to do with them or for them. They're immersed in an experience of their choosing--don't play in it with them if it's not fun for you.

Be aware that people often share stories that instill fear in others in order to feed off those fear-triggered emotional energies--it's why conspiracy theories run so rampantly over the Internet these days.

You can simply choose to quietly disconnect your relations with energy feeders. Breaking ties with a person doesn't have to involve a knock-down-drag-out fight. If they persist by invading your personal space, just command, "NO MORE! I am done!" What others do outside of you need not affect you--if you CHOOSE. They're just enjoying immersing themselves in an experience--we all are. Keep it as simple as that.

Or you could nip it in the bud, as I've often contemplated, and walk around with a grin on your face and a button pinned to your lapel that reads:
"This boob is all dried up--go suck elsewhere."

As I've awakened, I've realized there is no desire, much less any need, to feed off the energy of anyone or anything outside of me. The soap-opera "neediness" just disappears.

When we were kids we used to tease Mom about watching the soap opera, General Hospital, while she ironed piles of our clothes. I even got addicted to watching Days of Our Lives when I went to college--it was a way to relate with fellow students at the time. I don't even watch TV these days, though we do rent movies, but that's beside the point.

I've lately become aware of how many of the people around me are living out these soap operas in their "real" lives. All of this energy feeding tells me that many humans are bored with the status quo about life--they're simply starting to search for more...and that's a good thing. That's exactly what happened with me in my own awakening.

My point is--don't fret! Don't worry about this thing called the sexual energy virus. Don't fight with it. Just be aware that energy feeding exists, and that you become less affected by it simply by realizing you don't "need" anything--everything you desire is right at hand IN YOU!

You just have to DROP the WALLS and open yourself to ALLOWING yourself to RECEIVE it with EASE and GRACE. No thinking, no judging about what's "bad" or "good," no trying to figure out how. Just breathe and open yourself up...breathe and open...flow...

Love yourself first--don't look for someone outside of you to complete and love you first. It just won't be enough for you until you love yourself first. The purpose of the Sexual Energy Virus is to return you to you--the real you, the "I AM" within...

Love and appreciate your own life--and your world, and joyful abundance in all aspects, will simply follow suit...



P.S. Playing in the dramas/traumas of the sexual energy virus is a seductive game--it's easy to get caught up in self-doubt and mental details that keep you worrying over things you can't control (and aren't meant to control). I realized this morning an easy way to pop myself out of playing in drama. Taking a conscious breath, I remembered this:

I KNOW within that we're playing games of 
Let's Pretend: 

• Let's pretend we've got a disease and we're fighting it, trying to cure it...
• Let's pretend so-and-so is dying and leaving us permanently...
• Let's pretend we just can't seem to get along...
• Let's pretend I'm poor and insignificant...
• Let's pretend you have POWER over me...
• Let's pretend we're fighting wars (pretty much like the Cowboys and Indians pretend games from my childhood)...

I KNOW that these human bodies are the costumes we don in order to play our pretend games.

I KNOW these human identities are simply an act--they aren't the whole or true me.

I KNOW I am the master creator of my own reality, and that I can simply choose to harmonize with all you other master creators.

I KNOW that All is well in All of Creation...

Links to related posts:

An "Ah-Ha-a?!" to Ignore

When it comes to enlightenment, you have to have a sense of humor...

I was returning home from a walk a few weeks ago, remembering moments when I was single and used to go to the local bars to socialize and dance. I experienced the fairly common occurrence of a random guy approaching me who was "several sheets to the wind," "deep in his cups," or--to use proper English--"pissed."

I liked to tell myself it was because they thought I was so smokin' hot that they thought they needed the "liquid courage."

My Ah-Ha! on the subject on this particular walk was:
What if it was just because I was one of those women who got better looking after he'd had a few, or--in my case--several, eyesight-blurring beers?

Life is a Gift, NOT a Test

Contrary to popular belief, I've realized for myself that life is not a test, a place where you have to prove yourself worthy of being--LIFE is a GIFT.

One simple statement with a huge life-transforming potency: "You are, your life is, a gift."

If you take a moment to close your eyes and feel into it, you'll become aware that most of humanity has been living his/her own life from the viewpoint of having to prove oneself through how well she performs through a series of life lessons--tests...and then we die...

What if the purpose for our life on Earth in human form was meant only as a method of self-discovery--to be a place to express and experience oneself? Doesn't every loving parent desire to give his/her child a SAFE and SACRED SPACE in which to freely choose to explore all there is to experience?

What if we don't have to prove our worthiness to anyone or anything? Proving one's worth is deeply ingrained in our consciousness beliefs--so much so, that most people are completely unaware of other easier paths. Paths like the one where life is viewed as a simple gift from an unconditionally loving Source of All that Is.

What if you don't have to fight and struggle against evil, but instead just need to compassionately and gently shake yourself awake from the nightmare or dreamworld you "believe" is reality?

Blueberry Muffins

Blueberry Muffins

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Grease/butter cups of a dark (browns bottoms better than aluminum) 12-muffin/cupcake pan.

Mix topping in small bowl and set aside for last step before baking:
1 tsp. finely grated lemon rind (zest)--should look like coarse mush
2 Tbsp. sugar

Using a wire whisk, sift together in a large bowl:
2 c. flour
1/3 c. sugar
3 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt

Gently toss in the flour mixture until coated:
2 c. blueberries, fresh or frozen

Lightly whisk together in a small bowl:
1/4 c. butter, melted
1 egg, well-beaten
1 c. milk
1 tsp. pure vanilla

Pour the entire bowl of liquid ingredients over the dry ingredients and blueberries. Stir lightly with a fork just until all liquid is absorbed (batter will be lumpy). Spoon into the 12 greased cups of the muffin tin, filling each about 3/4 full.

*Before baking, sprinkle each muffin with the lemon zest and sugar topping mixture.

Bake until golden brown--425 degrees for 20 minutes. Best served hot out of the oven, with a smear of butter, of course. Makes 1 dozen muffins.

Use "I CHOOSE," instead of "I Want" or "I Need"

I make it a conscious habit to use the phrase "I CHOOSE" instead of  "I want" or "I need."

First of all, the universe is very literal--so if I state, "I want to travel," I end up experiencing staying home, wanting to travel. If I say "I need money," the universe creatively manifests an experience that I need money for.

I am the source and center of my own unique world--and the universe supports me unconditionally by LITERALLY helping me co-create everything I CHOOSE.

I've learned it's important to not get too mentally specific about my choices, because that limits them manifesting in my life--often to the point that it actually stops them from materializing. Keep your choices FEELINGLY simple.

So in order to cover everything, I just say:

"I choose to ALLOW myself, with EASE and GRACE, to live my life with joyful, OUTRAGEOUS abundance."

And I leave it at that, and let go...

With that, there is no having to mentally figure out how to make it so, there is no action I have to take--I just ALLOW and breathe with ease...and later I find myself ooh!-ing and ahh!-ing at the magic of it all.

If I had kids, I'd definitely practice "I choose" statements with them. It empowers the individual, and that way parents no longer have to try to figure out how to give their kids all their wants and needs and desires. You'd have given them the greatest gift of all--the reminder of how to create their own.


P.S.
I wanted to keep this post short and to the point, but my husband and I were playing around with "I choose" versus "I want, need" statements, and I realized two more things:

First: CLOSE YOUR EYES and say each phrase out loud.

Notice that "I choose" FEELS and sounds MASTERLY and in control of your life.

And that "I want" and "I need" feel and sound WHINY--kind of like a poor, pitiful peon begging?

Secondly: My husband stated as he was leaving this morning, "I HAVE to go to work." Notice again, how it feels and sounds like "I'm a poor, pitiful, puppet-on-a-string"? 

I told him, "Put 'I CHOOSE TO' in front of that 'HAVE TO'--and then notice the difference." (CLOSE YOUR EYES again).

"I choose to have to go to work."

Suddenly you're aware that you're "having to go" to work because it's your choice as a self-master...and with that awareness, you can now make a new choice, if you choose...

Perhaps you'll choose to say instead:

"I choose to release myself from having to work."

*Rule of Thumb: Keep the word, "not," out of your choosing statements.
The co-creative Universe doesn't recognize the word, "not"--so I would recommend refraining from using it, or you'll end up choosing something you do not desire. For instance, according to the Universe,"I choose to NOT work" is pretty much the same as "I choose to work."* 

Fly! Fly, Birdie!

Fly away and don't come back until you're a sovereign Big Bird...

I realized today that it's appropriate for me to let go of my old role of trying to uplift and be the wind beneath everyone else's wings. 

I let go of the role--not out of resentment or blame--but out of gratitude and celebration for myself, and for all those outside of me whose projects, creations, causes, and stories I supported. You all served me so well--Well Done! And much of it has been a pleasure. Many of you helped me remember to simply LAUGH at myself--and to spread my own wings and just leap--and now it's time for me to part ways.

I'm off to live my own sovereignty my own way--no more trying to mold myself to fit in with others' ideas and passions--or trying to protect them from unfriendly energies. I do need this time to disconnect, to be alone with me for a little while, in order to refocus all that love and energy and attention I gave to others, on uplifting and flowing my own self-expressions. I've realized that any time you have two or more people gathering together in order to feel better about oneself--well, the SEXUAL ENERGY VIRUS has slipped in. 

I choose to completely independently love and encourage and honor me. When I've got that part down, then I can return to laugh with others from the gatherings that I so love, who have also, hopefully, each claimed their own embodied self-mastery and sovereignty. I'll return in the form of a new kind of free-living and free-loving friend, sans (without) the energy feeding.

In the old energy consciousness, we've long been accustomed to creating our ideas and passions by first garnering the outside approval of like-hearted or like-minded people, who would then supply the "belief-in-its-value energy", the "labor energy" and the "money energy" to back those causes and get our creations (self-expressions) up and flowing. 

The fear is that if the old funding and old energetic support is pulled, the creation will collapse--but I KNOW, without a doubt, that it won't... 

Energy never ends--it transmutes, it changes, and it flows and flexes. And if the need, or passionate desire, is there for a system or creation to continue, the energies will rearrange themselves in order to keep it flowing--even if someone like me should opt out of it. And it can happen with ease and grace for all parties--no trauma or drama necessary in the shift.

I've been holding energies for the causes that I've supported because of that old fear that I will have let my friends down. That the good things we created together in the past will come to an end if I disconnect and withdraw my financial and old manner of energetic support--and that is what was stopping me from taking that final step over the threshold into my own sovereignty.

No one needs my wind "uplifting them" to help them fly--and I don't need outside support in order to soar either...

No one really flies until they've allowed themselves to be uplifted BY THEMSELVES. You can love the living daylights out of another being, but if they don't allow themselves TO BE loved--your love doesn't matter, and their life won't change.

Remove, quit being, the crutch. Give everyone the opportunity to discover their own god within, that they can walk (whatever mode one chooses) on their own...because we each can.

I am all that I need, to fly on my own...the Source of all of us created us to do exactly that.

Fly! Soar! Be FREE!

Discerning the Pity Trap

"Awakening is not POLITE...Awakening is BRUTAL..."

Good old Adamus Saint-Germain nailed it. For me, awakening was painfully brutal:
I put myself through hell in order to motivate myself to wake up. I creatively lost a boyfriend in a motorcycle "accident." I lost my beloved home on the farm, my pets, more friends, parents--myself. Shattering old belief systems in order to shake myself awake from the layers of hypnosis of the mass consciousness of humanity involved all kinds of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual pain.

See related post by clicking here: Physical Symptoms of My Awakening Self-Awareness. The rest of my blog is about all the other types of aforementioned pain that I used to help me step back out of the reality illusion I'd unknowingly created when believing I was an all-alone Little Insignificant Human Being, being tested by, and trying to please, some god "out there."

It was the only way at the time to get myself to look more closely at, FEEL more SENSUALLY--this life I was complacently and unquestioningly inhabiting. 

You know, when you're deep asleep in a hypnosis and if life is always pleasant, there is no passion-fired desire to change it, much less explore the possibility of there being more to it. But pain (imbalance)--that motivates one to more quickly shift perspective and try new ways. One even begins to imagine, and to go beyond into, things once believed impossible!

I was taught to be considerate of others, to be sensitive to their needs--over and above my own.

Being polite kept me outwardly focused. We are constantly inundated with stories of the wrong and bad things in the world--and we're constantly bombarded with guilt-laced admonitions to get out there and fix it! That's our responsibility, damn it!

That POLITELY-CARING outside-of-me focus was the hook that repeatedly snagged me into playing in the perpetual game of pity for others in their stories. I hadn't realized how much it was still a culprit in my own life until Adamus pointed it out. Especially in times of chaotic distress and tragedies in the world around me, I have to constantly remind myself that it's all just illusion, that those experiencing it are doing so by deep inner choice, and that everything is okay. But I KNOW THIS, without a doubt, WITHIN MYSELF--it's not something I was taught.

In order to become self-aware--you have to literally close your eyes to the outside world, breathe, and feel into your beingness within. You become aware of your PRESENCE.

Pity and Compassion are two very different feeling energies.

After reading each of the two energies' statements below, CLOSE YOUR EYES (it's the quickest and easiest method of self-awareness) and feel into them. How do you feel inside? Does one make you want to jump up and try everything you can imagine? Does the other just make you want stay in bed hoping to not have to wake up to another dismal day?

Pity says,
"I'll pray to some god out there for you, you poor thing. You're in the clutches of the whim of some being that you can't possibly know or understand the reasoning of."

"Let me hold your painful baggage for you. I'll sacrifice myself and haul it around like it's my own cross to bear, and hopefully I'll figure out how to fix it for you..." (I was an expert at ENERGY HOLDING--and it sucked the big one. If I did find a solution for someone, they didn't want it--they wanted their experience--and to commiserate with me about it).

"You poor, meek VICTIM of life. This experience you're having is NO GIFT. It's your sad cross to suffer and bear...until you die." 

"Hopefully--who knows?--your reward in Heaven will be great for enduring the pain and misery that you're living right now." 

"Sorry you're stuck with it. I feel powerless to fix it for you. You don't deserve this. One, or both, of us must have done something really wrong to have brought ourselves this punishment."

"You poor, poor thing...I'm so sorry for you..."


Compassion says, 
"YOU are the CREATOR of your own REALITY."

"You're choosing to immerse yourself in an experience! Dive in, have fun! Explore! If things get tough, all you have to do is choose to release yourself from the illusion you've created. You can't get stuck--not really--but you can pretend that you are stuck." 

"If it's in your life, YOU put it there--and, appropriately so--ONLY YOU can choose to let it go." 

"Isn't this grand illusion of the human virtual reality game an amazingly ABUNDANT gift? YOU ARE a GIFT!"

"Enjoy your life, and remember you really don't ever do anything wrong. It's just illusion--A SAFE and SACRED SPACE to experience and discover all that you are."

"And I honor and allow myself and you in however each of us chooses to play the game, the current scene--whether we choose to play it the same way or not."

When I was in fifth grade I had the hard measles. My perfect attendance record was blown all to heck by being kept home for a week or two. I was afraid of missing too much school and being held back. I remember Mom finally giving in to letting me return to school, only to have the school nurse do a scoliosis check on everyone that day, and discover I still had signs of the rash. She told me I shouldn't have come back to school so soon.

It was the first time I remember being so ill that I fainted when getting up in the night to use the bathroom--an ancestral biology trait (another type of story you can release yourself from by simply choosing to do so). My point in telling this story though, is that I overheard my mom talking on the phone to a neighbor lady, telling her how sick I was--and I didn't like being discussed that way. I didn't like being thought of, or perceived as "poor Penny"--ever.

Feel into that act for a moment:  Close your eyes and Feel as your own energies deflate and your radiation dims when you immerse yourself in the role of "poor, pitiful me."

Shortly after Mom died, Dad had a physical done in order to get qualified to drive bus, and ended up being diagnosed with an erratic heart rhythm. It not only prevented him from driving a bus, but with the diagnosis, he believed himself to be a sickly man. Suddenly he was caught up in the mental belief system trap of trying to keep track of the symptoms of bruising too easily and bleeding out, versus, a too slow and sluggish movement of blood out of his heart.

He was prescribed medication where he had to try to figure out, by trial and error, how much to take to regulate his body. I watched him quit eating anything green (this is the guy who believed in organically-grown food and vegetables) because of the fear of the vitamin K in such vegetables causing his blood to thicken, thus counter-acting the thinning properties of the Cumadin medicine. Does anyone else see the irony in that whole scenario? He gave up eating foods that he believed healthy for him in order to take a medication.

When the arsenic drug (a.k.a, "rat poison," according to Dad) failed to help regulate things, he opted to have the out-patient procedure done where medical professionals stopped, and then restarted his heart, hoping to get it back in rhythm.

I observed him enter the hospital that day, acting kind of poorly and pitiful and scared--and then saw him shift out of the role shortly afterwards. While walking the hallway in his hospital gown after the procedure, he stopped, suddenly shook his head, and acted like he felt foolish, silly and disgusted with himself for playing out the act of "I'm the poor, sick, helpless patient." He didn't like playing the role of being ill and pitied by others anymore than I did.

I had an epiphany similar to Dad's the day I CLEARLY CHOSE to take responsibility for my own health and well-being while meditatively walking things out. I was in the midst of chiropractic therapy for scoliosis-related symptoms--and it wasn't working. The discs were still shifting out of alignment almost daily, weeks into the process, and I'd feel myself tense up (not a good thing) when he would adjust my neck. I didn't want to do medications, nor did I want surgery, or trip after trip to doctors and appointments.

It was truly an inner knowingness moment--I have never felt more certain about a choice than I did about that. Even afterwards, when I was literally told by the chiropractor that I would "crash and burn" if I didn't stay with the program, I walked out of that office and never looked back or second-guessed my decision. This was my life--and I was taking charge of it my way.

And it helped that the chiropractor pissed me off by acting so egotistically that day. He truly served me well, both by compassionately helping me through a painful and terrifying experience at the beginning of our relationship, and by playing the role of antagonist for me at the last. It helped me see clearly, and finally experience feeling with certainty, my own determination and conviction.

Anger--I know it's not comfortable feeling it because we're so deeply ingrained with believing it to be wrong to feel--does help to shake a person awake and into self-awareness. I've gotten much better at acknowledging it and allowing it. I now know that it doesn't mean I'll be stuck permanently feeling angry if I do experience it. Anger is just an energy--and all energy will naturally flex and flow easily when we allow it.

Thank you to the doctors
Who could not cure my ills.
All you seemed to see was the "sin" in me,
Which we tried to fix with pills.
It made me look past my pained condition 
To the perfection that's my Soul.
I never would have seen it,
Much less, believed it--
Had you done anymore than my will!

I was born in 1964, so the consciousness that I grew up in was focused on pitying the poor, the sick, the helpless and the meek. We saved old clothes to give to the "poor" people in some other place in the world. When I turned up my nose at something at the dinner table, I was told like every other kid my age in the western world, "There are starving kids in Africa who would love to eat that!" I admired the kid who had the audacity and wit to respond to that manipulative guilt trip with, "Then why don't you feed it to them instead of me?"

From my beloved mom's example (much more powerful than lecture), I learned the art of pitying. She listened patiently and endlessly to the relationshit dramas and aches and pains of others (who chronically happened to be the same people all the time).

I searched for methods and practices to help heal those less healthy than me. Sometimes it felt like I was more invested in healing the perceived sick person than he or she was. I actually got to the point of feeling apologetic for being healthy! Imagine that--a low sense of self-worth for not being a drain on the health-care system or friendships!

I respectfully drove elderly people to doctors appointments. I visited and assisted them (not looking for compensation), and I politely listened to them and felt sorry for their circumstances.

I had people befriend me only to find myself guiltily feeling resentful in a supposed friendship that seemed one-sided. The other person was always sick or in the midst of some trauma or drama (which they seemed to always attract). She or he always seemed to be commanding and demanding to be the center of attention in any room. Those were really sucky experiences.

I have watched people line up and discuss all the medications they're taking--with pride. It's a subject matter that I find boring.

Sometimes people like to see if they can trump all the others sitting at a table of commiseration of physical ailments in a weird type of contest where the most miserable person deems himself superior to all the others. "Nobody has been through pain like I have...blah, blah, blah..." I may be bursting bubbles here, but, frankly, everyone's pain is unique. You really can't compare pain.

I observed a mother-daughter moment while they tested their blood sugar, took their shots and meds, and discussed all their latest ailments--they actually cliquishly flaunted their illnesses in my healthy face. It was so obvious that they were enjoying themselves in the story they had going. Who wants a cure when you can have that?

Too often, I heard the biggest (funniest, in retrospect) manipulative friend statement ever, "You're the only one who understands me...You'd never do or say anything to hurt me or betray me...YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE WHEN I WANT and HOW I NEED YOU TO BE THERE!"

I see those "poor, pitiful misunderstood me or some other people," and whining "how only true friends should be," B.S. statements on Facebook and catch myself gagging.

In my book, a true friend will remind you that you are the creator and master of your own gift of life. If you have a trauma-drama going and I'm not rushing to your side to carry your bum over your mud puddles, it's because I love you unconditionally and I'm going to compassionately allow you to immerse yourself fully into the experience you've created--oh, fellow sovereign.

And when we're done with that scene, the two of us can sit together and laughingly swap stories of our experiences and share how it felt to play such-and-such a character role.

PITY and EMPATHY are two highly seductive energies that have had me playing in old icky, so-not-fun-anymore stories with others way longer than I've wanted. I don't like seeing anyone in pain, because I--out of old defaulting habit--energetically feel myself rushing into their story, clothing myself in all their stuff, literally weighing myself down with the weight of their world.

And that doesn't compassionately honor either one of us in the experiences each individual wants to have. It also distracts me from my personal pursuit of changing MY WORLD. In my world, I choose to make some changes--drastic ones. I choose to see if I can create a personal world free of disease and the fear of death.

So when someone is sick or has an "accident" (I don't believe in accidents anymore), I don't go rushing to the people involved--AND THAT CHOICE IS NOT MADE LIGHTLY, because I DO CARE in the sense that I'd enjoy living in a world of stories beyond the old dramas and traumas. I actually stay put, and give myself the opportunity to step back and out of the illusion, in order to more clearly see the dynamics of whatever is happening--and to better understand the gift that particular experience has for me!

I remember that when Lazarus was sick, Jesus didn't rush back to take care of him. One of the women actually was a bit angry with him, and admonished him for dilly-dallying, when she had to tell him he was too late, that Lazarus had died and already been entombed a few days. Did Jesus apologize for betraying a friend in need? No, he had the audacity (love that word today) to reprimand her for having a lack of faith--for just giving up and believing that Lazarus's death was the end of the story.

And it wasn't the end of the story. Lazarus did come back to life in the body he had left for a little while...

Could I be wrong in believing such a miraculous and magical story to be a true possibility? Of course! I could be totally wrong, but I won't know unless I give it a try in my own life, and I can only do that by changing the commonly practiced rules I once accepted as a way to be in a POLITE SOCIETY--one where I used to just shake my head at the injustices in the world...here goes another funeral, here goes another loss that I'm powerless to change...alas!...woe is me...woe is you...

If I don't allow myself to even consider it as a possibility,  it'll remain an unattainable dream, a wish...and that's no fun for me.