Thank you for royally pissing me off because I feel myself standing up inside myself and saying, "HELL NO!!! We are done playing this bullshit game! Get the fuck out of my head and presence if you can't treat me as an equal--I don't care who you are! You do not get to lecture me anymore! I KNOW who I am and what I'm about--and it's as benevolent and as loving as anything you'll ever experience outside of yourself."
.... You see, I know you played that pain-in-the-ass part for me so I'd get angry enough to quit suppressing myself.... so.... ultimately I'm grateful but I'm still highly pissed off at you right now....
Boom! I'm here!!! I'm present! I'm illuminated for my own life!
There is no dimming of myself. No backing off anymore. There is no room left inside of me for tolerating any bullshit lectures from anyone or anything on how to be and what to do. I'm here, dammit!--deal with it!
It turns out that four-letter-worded anger helped me go beyond that self-suppression thing I had going for pretty much this entire lifetime.... and, I'm certain, for many others....
Yeah--I suppressed myself. A lot of it was because life for me was easier by keeping quiet. I don't like fighting and arguing. I don't like the feeling of people expressing disappointment in me. I have no need to be the center of everyone else's attention. I find other people patting me on the back kind of condescending and unnecessary.
At seven years old I found out my sense of humor wasn't always the same as my dad's, whom I adored. I had vomited while standing in the school lunch line with several high-schoolers I idolized. I was as embarrassed and mortified as all get out, but after sitting in my brothers' room hearing them and their friends share their funny stories, I found a way I might turn that whole debacle into a funny story of my own. We're all sitting around the long kitchen table having dinner--a midday meal--with our family and my brothers' friends when I have a lightbulb moment. I can feel myself grinning with anticipation of making the whole table roar with laughter. I grab my stomach and groan, "Ugh.... I think I'm going to throw up!" I'm looking out of my peripherals for that burst of laughter that never came. Instead, Dad says to me in that quiet, I mean business and I'm ashamed of you tone, "Pen, we don't talk that way at the table." I gave up trying to tell stories out loud and I quieted my mouth for fear of getting myself into trouble and disappointing my loved ones.
Never mind that it was at my own expense--heaven forbid I hurt anyone's feelings even if they were acting like judgmental dimwits at times. I dimmed my own bulb so as to be more pleasing, more acceptable to others. It turns out they never really actually cared what was going on with me--life for them was all about them, and that's not a selfish thing at all. We humans each have our own uniquely created realities. There is a voice and an awareness and perception within every single one of us that no one but oneself can access. We are each meant to be the sovereign master creator of our own lives/realities by accessing and including our own divine facet into our body of consciousness--body, mind, spirit, gnost. Into whatever form, if any, that we might take.
From childhood on I learned from parents, siblings, preachers, teachers, friends--and even ascended masters later on--that I needed to monitor myself.
Yes, I heard from an ascended master, "That's no way to be--that's just wrong." And this past weekend I paid for getting a too long-winded finger-wagging about using AI that I did not deserve. I have every intention of utilizing AI to create and communicate in my grandest, most-loving way. I even did so a few months back--but there were glitches and artifacts that frustrated me. And there's a learning curve on prompting for me. Plus, I can only stand being on the computer for so long.
Yeah, it ticked me off especially after just getting a text from a long-time friend who was disrespectful of me enough that I finally stood up for myself and disconnected the friendship a couple months ago. The friend wanted to know if I was feeling better and to say that they were so surprised by my reaction to their belittling of me and my life and my own personal relationship with my own divinity. There was absolutely no apology--not that I expected to get one. There was simply the statement, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Yeah--that pissed me off.
So I had all this clanging around in my head during that last part of the shoud, thinking, "Here we go again--I'm going to be leaving this group that I love again! I feel so angry, so conflicted--but so damned pissed off I don't think there is any coming back from this one this time!"
I wrote most of this a few days ago just to get it out, to get some clarity.... and.... clarity and freedom from suppressing myself has finally come. I wasn't sure I was going to post this at first. Sometimes I write stuff in order to purge it but I feel it's important to let this side of me be seen without apology....
There is more to come but I had to let myself feel all of this through without monitoring myself, trying to figure out how I was wrong in the whole thing and how to make myself fit in better. I was never meant to fit in fully or to follow.... Nor were any of you....