Trying to Save Face when Personal Shame Haunts

Humans don't need to be told he/she should be ashamed of themselves--we already are--TOO MUCH! We're supposed to be ashamed of our ancestors' deeds (and they--our's) and we're supposed to beat ourselves up for pillaging planet Earth--but does all that guilt heal and solve anything? Let's take a closer look at these shameful aspects and release them so we can NOW create worlds free of so much misery.

"Oh, God--I did it all wrong..."

How do you hold your head up high and look others in the eyes, open and free--after you've immersed so fully into the experiencing of a certain belief that you thought was truth in its utmost form, only to discover things aren't really jiving with what you feel deep within?

God! Do you know how many times I've done this? I have dived into so many things--made them my own, this lady of I'm off on a new tangent today! Only to realize, after having some eye-opening experiences, that the role and the costume just doesn't work for me anymore--that some never really did.

And I look at myself in the mirror, shaking my lowered head, in shame, thinking, "Pen--what the hell were you thinking? How could you? That was SO DAMN STUPID!"

I dived into the conspiracy theories of governments, world banks, despots and religions, scaring the crap out of myself with them.

I quit paying income taxes for a time, and experienced so many self-doubts about whether I was doing it right (used the right words, filled out the right forms correctly), and for all the right reasons (pureness of heart, or personal greed?). I even had a close friend, who had a government job, questioning what I was doing--all the while, still loyally trying to defend me to her co-worker who questioned our sanity.

I put myself through over three years of hell, only to give up after so getting so many harassing and intimidating letters in the mail, and after having so many peers sent to prison. Many of these people were kind and loving people simply trying to stand inside their truth and make changes for the better in their world. They weren't harming anyone else.

It's a challenge though, when the TV is running shows and commercials which hypnotize the masses into believing that refusing to pay taxes, even ones that you don't like and agree with (remember the Boston Tea Party?), is an un-American act. Admittedly, some were zealots (just to be honest here, I played a bit of a zealot at times, too, to my embarrassment)--scary in their passion--but I find that in any general population. Just look at Facebook postings.

I felt powerless, humiliated, stuck, and still enslaved by the system. For years afterward, after having paid the penalties and having returned to the old system I disagreed with--I found myself trying to stuff it all away in an attempt to pretend it never happened. People would bring up the topic of taxes, and I'd feel myself fold up, cringing in shame, tongue-tied--feeling like an idiot.

As I sit writing about this particular, at-one-time shameful period in my past now, though, I understand those of you currently immersed in those experiences and belief systems--and I don't judge you, or condemn you, or even pity you.

I understand the fear for survival that drives one into a dark-feeling corner, where we find ourselves doing really crazy things just trying to get through another moment. I am NOW the poster child for self-forgiveness, and I can laugh at, and celebrate it all.

I NOW have a more fully developed compassion for all of us (than I did before), BECAUSE OF all these past experiences and the feelings I had about me in them. 

And I honor your souls' joy in having the experience, no meddling--because I "KNOW" that, really, everything is all right in, and out of, this glorious and grand illusion.

I also know now, inside of me--in my gut and heart--that proclaiming one's sovereignty doesn't require filling out forms and filing paperwork in courthouses, or for any other entities outside of oneself. It doesn't require fighting anyone or anything.

It's just the realization that I am that I am! Sovereign of my domain. Knowing it, without a doubt, trusting myself in my knowingness. There is no one to convince or persuade to my way of seeing. What anyone else does or what others think of me no longer matters...

But I now know that stuff, because of that naive kid in an adult body, who had the courage to try some experiences others thought to be insane at the time.

I indulged in several inner family feuds that nearly tore me apart--because I loved the parties of both sides. I wrote letters to aunts and uncles, saying things that I still wish I'd never said.

But after all of that, I find I'm no longer quick to choose sides in the relationships of others. In fact, if there is an issue--I'll most likely leave the parties to play out their agreed-to game, and I won't commiserate with either. I no longer tolerate someone playing "I'm the poor victim of so-and-so." If it's in your life, you're liking it--otherwise, you'd choose to release yourself from it.

I didn't let myself enjoy the love of my grandpa, for me, because of holding a grudge from my childhood, after overhearing a heated conversation between him and my dad. No one was going to get away with "not caring about MY DAD!" It was only after Grandpa died, that I was able to step back enough, to see things clearly enough, to realize that love was always there--even between him and his son. Dad didn't need my protection--and those two were actually enjoying their arguments.

All those years lost with my grandpa...

But we made our peace even after he'd been gone awhile. I had a warm and tingling inner-knowingness awareness of various events and conversations that had me finally understanding the dynamics between father and son:

My husband swatted me on the butt as he passed by me in the kitchen, and it reminded me of Mom telling me how Grandpa used to affectionately do the same thing with Grandma Pearl. I recognized the deep love those two had for each other as I sat on my grandpa's lap one morning, following the death of my own beloved Arlen.

I saw how close my dad and his mother were. How she tried so hard to balance out, and temper, the relationship between her husband and son--each of them unaware of his jealousy of the other's relationship with her.

Jealousy is the fear of the loss of love from another. Through my experience, I discovered there is enough love in me, in all of us, that love for one doesn't diminish in any way, our love for another. It's a win-win, if we just trust and let that be so.

I finally allowed myself to feel Grandpa's loving embrace at last--and I'm still feeling that love--of all of them--as I sit here tapping away at this keyboard.

And now, when others talk to me about their frustrations with family--I can empower them in ways I never could before my own experiences--once again, those personally shameful moments were suddenly transformed into gifts.

When I was just a little kid, I tried finding--thankfully, unsuccessfully, because I really detest gore--the grave of a favorite cat who had died. I was curious about seeing what "dead" looked like, evidently, after having been buried. Even as an adult, I've looked back at that one, and thought, "Oh. My. God."

But, when I was about five years old, I used to lay on the couch, peeking out of one eye to watch Dark Shadows, a soap opera in the 1960s. There was always a vampire coming out of a coffin in a tomb at the beginning of the show.

I was also having dreams at that time about losing my parents to death--it was a huge fear.

When you look above at the tabs to navigate this website, you'll see Death with a section of writings devoted to the topic. I'm far from an evil-doer out to slaughter for the adrenaline jolt and the morbidity of it. In fact--I don't like violent movies, and stories filled with extreme perversions and horrors. It's not entertaining for me. I've just needed to understand, and to experience, death differently than it's been done so far--it's a driving passion of mine.

This is why I write the way I do. Trying to save face, when feeling so ashamed, has been a key aspect running my life in the past--and I'm aware of it in pretty much everyone around me.

We humans have spent ages indulging in long-established belief systems in our soul's desire to experience everything, for the joy of the dance, and for the self-expression. It's a void when you realize those things are no longer making much sense. And a person feels really foolish--believe me, I know...

Those of you Christians who still believe that Jesus is your lord and salvation--I get it. I truly do. I know it feels like an abomination to even consider stepping outside that belief. Your whole foundation changes--the bottom of your life seemingly drops from beneath you--and then who, and what, is going to catch you in your free fall?

So I understand your reluctance to look outside of that comfort, and I accept and honor that.

I had, what I consider, the luxury of growing up without being educated and baptized into a religious organization. However, I later tasted, and immersed myself in, enough of the Christian belief system to know how frightening it is to be tempted to look at ideas one's been so ingrained to seeing as being (grimacing appropriately here, as taught), "New Age nonsense."

Here's the kicker though: I don't even consider myself a New-Ager. Definitions and titles don't work for me--they're too limiting. I'm just the simple master of my own life--God/Divinity/My Soul--walking this earth in a human form as me! I am that I am! A one-of-a-kind Body of Consciousness, playing with each of you, also unique Bodies of Consciousness, in this wonderland called Earth.

Take another look at your shameful past. You'll know you've come full circle when you can share  all those old stories, out loud and uninhibited, with the world around you--in celebration and gratitude for all the wisdom that is you...

All of it gained, only because, we courageously played the role of the Prodigal Sons and Daughters...all of it played out of, and for, love...

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