Let's Loose the Shackles--Guilt, Shame and Misery

I could easily entitle this story The Johns and Me, but that would probably draw more spam than I care to deal with.

On the many walks I used to take around the lakes and along the Minnehaha Parkway in Minneapolis, I was approached by three individuals, on separate occasions, named John--and, no, I've never done the prostitution thing in this particular lifetime. But, still, I find myself grinning at the funny synchronicity of their names along with my own: John and Penny L. There is a character named John Peniel that caught my attention years ago, and the meaning of his name is "The Beloved Face of God." I guess it's probably one of those inside jokes I pretty much can only share with myself.

While it appeared these men were seeking a safe space with me, they actually turned out to be teachers for me--making me more fully aware of myself and the inner issues most humans deal with--guilt and shame, and the misery that accompanies them. So this post is in honor of these men--thank you for gracing my life, My Beloved Johns--and well done!

The first one saw me walking and said I appeared to be deep in prayer as I walked (I was actually just working through my own stuff, discovering a few answers for myself with each step). He asked if he could just talk with me a bit--he was feeling lost, and said that it was easier to talk more freely to a stranger than someone he knew. He approached me in a setting where there were people all around, my neck hairs didn't rise, so we sat and talked. He'd divorced recently and the business he ran was tied to his in-laws--not an easy situation. That was pretty much it--he just needed to have someone listen as he worked things out his own way, but by saying it out loud. I would run across him in my walks a few times over the span of a handful of years, and I think of him as my friend.

The last time he shared with me that he was struggling with feelings of guilt--he said he was raised Catholic, and that the guilt thing seemed to come with the territory. The funny thing is, that I've read that line in so many books and heard it from so many other people (many of them, Catholic) over the years, that I do wonder at the connection. As you can see from my many posts throughout, Catholics aren't the only ones--I struggled with that one, too. I remember telling him, that, for me, it was all about learning to practice love of oneself. In the years we visited, I went from having parents to losing them both, and I was going deeper and deeper into my own awakening. John seemed to see me when I'd made a personal breakthrough in some area--and that helped me by giving me someone to express these ah-ha!s out loud to, as well. We'd catch up a bit on profound things and then go our separate ways.

I was again walking alone along the creek (though surrounded by a few people) when John #2 looked into my eyes and saw someone he felt safe with, too. He asked if he could talk with me, so we sat on a picnic bench and visited until the sun began to get low enough that it turned cool, and, gentleman that he was, he loaned me his long-sleeved shirt as covering. He had served time for armed robbery and murder, and had been currently released and was staying with a Christian couple. He had been using alcohol as a coping tool, and they were trying to help him stay sober. He was in a moral dilemma at the time--didn't tell me anything specific, but was trying to figure out what was the right way to go. All that came to me to share with him at that time was to first go to the mirror, look himself in the eyes, and apologize to himself for being so hard on himself. 

I looked into the mirror one day, prior to talking with John, and realized how much I'd been mentally beating upon myself--I had been merciless and relentless in the degradation of myself until that day. I gazed into the tear-filled eyes of a simple human who had been trying so hard to please me! I hardly ever gave myself the benefit of the doubt--though I was almost always willing to do that with anyone else outside of me.

I had seen John #3 many times in walks around the lake, and he'd never acknowledged me. The day he did approach, I knew that he was going to the moment we met that time--we were going opposite directions. I had just had an insight into my own childhood experience highlighting the sexual energy virus in consciousness (see my earlier post, Overcoming the Victimhood Addiction), and I knew someone with that struggle was going to approach me.

I think of him as John/Amy. He was a woman in a man's body, living with his macho brothers, trying to keep his feminine side secret from them, while trying to steal away moments to dress as the beautiful woman--aka, Amy--he so desired to be. His rage and anger at everything male emanated in waves off him--and empath that I was, I managed to feel that suppressed energy like it was my own. It was awful. He was so crazed with his secret that he was putting himself in situations that were dangerous to himself and others.

He wanted me to see him dressed as a girl, so I met him in a park right across from some homes. He was so caught up in showing me his feminine undies and slip, that he dropped his skirt in front of me, out there in the open (thankfully, he had tights on, but still). I told him that behavior like that was going to have concerned parents in the neighborhood calling the police. He was a literal magnet for awful experiences--all of his own unconscious creation.

With me, he was harmless--I was just a safe space--but he knew where I lived and would come knocking at my door every now and then, asking me to keep an eye out for clothes for him. The last time he knocked, I was ready with a letter I'd written for him. He was so caught up in himself and his sad and pitiful story when we'd talk, that he'd never actually listen to me whenever I did manage to slip in a few words. I was done trying to figure out how to handle his issues and his rage (along with all the "stupid men" jokes) and I was done with his visits to my door. I told him that as long as he was unwilling to embrace his masculine aspect (along with his feminine), it didn't matter what parts he got cut off, he was still going to be miserable. And that was how I ended our interactions.

Kryon stated in a channel this past year that when we switch genders, it takes three lifetimes to make that shift on all the levels of consciousness--thus the confusion manifested by those like John/Amy. Once again, it comes back to the creation of a SAFE and SACRED SPACE of unconditional acceptance of everyone in our lives. John/Amy, in the throes of trying to hide and not hide herself, was more of a danger while trying to keep a secret than he was if he would have felt accepted simply for being as he was.

I still remember his rage that I felt as if it was my own--it took me going to my safe brother and a favorite hill out on our farm in ND to feel safe enough to get it out. Solitude is truly golden in its healing.

There is a running theme through all these stories: Simply go to the mirror, and from now on, gaze into the eyes of the human who has tried so hard to be accepted and appreciated. Acknowledge the guilt and the shame that you feel surfacing: "Ah-Ha!--I see you!"--I bid you good riddance. 

We all do crazy things when we feel so lost in our stories and identities. And remember that your life is a gift--to you, to the Eternal One, to All--no matter how it manifests.

Basically, I recommend everyone quit hauling that guilt and shame B.S. around like it's some religious, self-sacrificing cross to bear. Frankly--I was no fun to be around when that yammering, self-condemning voice was running the show. In the past, I hypnotically played the part of the energy/life sucker in many scenarios--BUT IN TRUTH, THAT WASN'T THE REAL ME. And the more self-aware and self-loving I've become in place of the blind self-loathing and condemnation, the more unconditionally accepting, fun and easier I am with everyone.

Drop the protective ego armor and the weapons. When I open my heart and mind to life--life opens up for me, and all those old battles fall away...it's just a matter of LIKING MYSELF and choosing the easy path for a change. We don't have to prove a thing to anyone.

Once again, none of us REALLY does anything wrong on this safe, Eternal One-given stage where we play things out together and grow in wisdom every step of the way. It's truly time to take the pressure off ourselves and breathe that freedom in (close our eyes and actually FEEL IT within)--to let ourselves dance, letting our lives out of the box of old expectations, by releasing at last, the guilt, the shame and all that misery and suffering that accompanies them. 

How many wonder-filled experiences have you had when guilt was the foundation they were created upon?