My Candid Heartfelt Thoughts About Cancer

I'm allowing myself to express here all the thoughts and perceptions and concepts I experienced while watching my dad leave this earth after getting a diagnosis of cancer--things I was too intimidated by the mass consciousness and belief systems all around me at the time, to say out loud.

"A diagnosis of cancer is an inevitable death sentence."

That is the predominant idea that is accepted as truth for most of humanity. But it IS NOT my truth!

I also believe that any disease or illness is unique to the individual experiencing it so there's not going to be a wonder drug that cures it, nor will it be a drug or medical treatment of any kind alone that brings about the results we desire--it's going to depend on that person's self-awareness, their personal inner perceptions and truly felt beliefs (not just mind-chattering mantras) about their life. It's going to be connected to this simple question:

"Is my life a gift to me?" ...........or have I been trying to prove myself worthy of breathing the air I breathe to simply be alive? Am I apologizing for being--for existing? 

I once accepted the latter "gotta prove myself worthy of being" as my truth. There are way more belief systems out there that preach that perspective than you will find of the former. They aren't all religious either--look at family, education, business, and government-taught beliefs, too. Proving self-worth is pretty much programmed into human mass consciousness.

I remember an interview some famed reporter did with Patrick Swayze. Patrick was a cancer FIGHTER, and his anger emanated off him in waves without him needing to say a word--though, his words added punch. I heart-breakingly intuitively knew that he was going to lose his battle, because the battle wasn't really about the cancer. The cancer was just the mirror reflecting the battle going on inside him, and his own dislike of himself.

The "fighting warrior" aspect was a distraction from having to look any deeper to heal what was really going on.

My dad didn't like himself much either. Actually, he pretty much was disgusted and frustrated with himself for things he had said and done in certain moments throughout his life. The very first thing he said to me when I walked in the door after Mom had just passed away was, "I didn't tell her I loved her. She said she loved me as I left the room to come home to sleep a bit, and I never said it back...." Never mind that the reason he probably couldn't bring himself to say it then was that he "knew" that would be saying good-bye and he wasn't ready for that.

My dad was a very compassionate and caring man who was human like all the rest of us--he said and did things he wished he could have taken back. He told me a few times in the interim between his and Mom's deaths, "I don't know why I'm still here. There must be something I have to do yet." He was heartbroken and lost, piled with layer upon layer of guilt only he knew about. People liked to blame the lung cancer on his smoking cigarettes (which he'd given up before Mom died), but I knew that the real culprit was that Dad couldn't accept himself. Mom and I used to talk about it all the time--how hard he was on himself, the self-expectations he had. He saw much of his life as a failure--I know this because I viewed my own life in that same way. We have a way of taking on our parents' stories as our own. I thought I was alive after Arlen died because "God picked the rose" and this old thorn had some lessons to learn, some worthiness to earn. Life wasn't a joyride when lived from that perspective.

Dad's dislike of himself is why I was symbolically touching every aspect of his life through the bottoms of his feet those final moments I had alone with him as his organs shut down, saying, "Well done, my son, I commend you to the Father.....Well done!........" I wanted him to know WITHOUT A DOUBT that I loved and appreciated every single aspect of his life that touched mine--even and especially, the ones he thought he did ALL WRONG!

So I feel myself cringing every single time I hear someone talking about fighting cancer. Humanity has pretty much been fighting the cancer battle and getting the same results--death over and over again. Some people are so destroyed by the weapons used to fight it that.......well, I'm at a loss for words here.....

Well, I've been looking at it using a new approach. I don't fight cancer, nor do I pity someone with it. The fighting doesn't seem to work, and pitying, to me, doesn't feel compassionate or empowering of the person in the healing of themselves.

Sometimes being sick seems like the only way we can get other people's attention. But there's something I discovered about using that tact. Other people's attention and love IS NEVER ENOUGH IF I DON'T APPRECIATE and LOVE MYSELF FIRST!!!! That approach quickly turns into an energy-sucking feeding frenzy where love and friendship doesn't have much to do with it. It's more of a hell pit.

The thing is, I know of people who've healed themselves of cancer, using whatever treatments they chose, along with using the illness as a means to learn to love and accept all aspects of themselves (past and present) along the way--and they shine with inner light, as well as health. One man in particular stated self-hatred was the cause of his experience with it.

Yes, you can be predisposed to it due to family history, but you can choose to get off that karmic path simply by choosing to no longer make it your story. It beats having your breasts cut off as a preventive measure. No judgment here about what anyone does or doesn't do--some ideas are just totally off-limits for me personally.

I am that I am...and...I am here!

Simply breathing with self-awareness and saying "Yes!" to one's personal life--to your simply being here on Earth--can bring about amazing shifts. 

You were not born a sinner! Being human is a most courageous endeavor.

Many people are more afraid of the pain of doing the inner work with themselves than they are of doing battle with the disease. It takes courage to go inside and look at things about yourself that you'd rather not look at or re-visit. I know that fear, too, but after going through all those things I once thought ugly and monstrous about myself, I discovered I'm not nearly as scary as I was giving myself credit for. There were so many more things going on than that single negative slice I had been focusing on--beautiful things. Gifts!

And most importantly, I found that God/Goddess/Source of All gave me this gift of experience called life--and the best reward any parent could get from their child is, "Thank you, Mom and Dad! My GIFT of LIFE is priceless and I AM ENJOYING IT--every single moment and aspect of it, from here on out! Thank you! I LOVE ME!  I LOVE YOU! I LOVE THIS EARTH and ALL OF CREATION!....................................................................................I LOVE  MY LIFE!"