Integration means eventually accepting everything about yourself--all the roles the life expressions of your soul have played and all the thoughts and feelings you've ever had.
For me, that means getting to the place of realizing it didn't really ever matter what I did, or didn't do, or what I thought or felt. The gift of wisdom was gained from it all.
It was just an experience, and no one was really harmed in it. You know, like that disclaimer they attach to movies where animals are hurt or abused in the storyline--"No animals were actually harmed in the making of this film." I look at all the stories and dramas and traumas playing out around and within me, and that line now pops in quite frequently; and it helps me breathe and flow more easily and gracefully through the experience. I'm not stuck in situations for quite as long as I was in the past.
I think I always had a very human-based idea about how it would be to live the life of a master like Yeshua (aka Jesus) or Saint Germain. I thought it meant I would be a much more perfect human, and that, just with the snap of my fingers, life would go the way I wanted, or chose, it to.
But no, it doesn't. I'm still far from being a perfect specimen of a human being--and I realize I never will be. That perfection doesn't matter and is no longer a goal for me. I have really enjoyable moments and days, and I have some tough days, too. Sometimes my creations work out as I hoped, and most times, not--after all, I'm quite new to learning to live the life of embodied enlightenment.
No one can really teach me or increase my awareness--and I feel a tremendous joy in realizing that. I'm doing it, living it out my own way, and with my own time and space. I'm not in comparison or competition with anyone or anything else. This is my life.
I have multitudes of different lifetimes and aspects of my soul to integrate, patterns to release myself from. Many of those patterns and routines--traditions, even--are so automatic for me that I often don't realize I'm thinking it or doing it, until my little cyclical routine encounters a blip, big or small.
It helped to hear Adamus Saint-Germain (of crimsoncircle.com) tell us that he still had a life expression from thousands of years ago that he still needed to allow to integrate--and he's been an ascended master for many, many years. These aspects come in when they decide to come home, and no amount of cajoling and pressure by my human self is making them return any quicker--because they're free, you see, to be however as long as they choose. The master allows all of his/her creations absolute freedom of being.
These dreams...
For awhile, I knew I was dreaming at night and during my naps, but upon awakening I had no recollection of them. That's changed quite drastically the last few months. I'm having the recurring dreams of my past and the violent, ugly ones that I scream myself--and my husband--awake with. I'm also having the really bizarre ones that go on and on without making much sense to my limited human mind and perception. And then I have the occasional one where I feel so dirty, so ashamed of myself.
The Prostitute Dream:
Last week I awoke in the morning feeling both relieved that that nightmare I was just in was not my reality here, and feeling revolted by my actions and rationaliztions while in that dream world reality.
I was a prostitute in that dream. For the measly amount of $16 total, I was serving a line-up of guys according to what they wanted me to do. I was absolutely repulsed by their demands and by my giving into them...and at the same time, it was a matter of honor for me to keep my agreement with them. I had to see it through...
The disgust I felt with myself stayed with me long after awakening, and the only way it--and the replaying of the awful scenes in my mind--dissipated was when I acknowledged what I was feeling and thinking while in the dream...and when I did that, then I remembered that I was integrating all these past life expressions and aspects into my soul. What better way to have that happen than during the night while in my "sleep state" in this reality?
It's much easier to let a dream go, to accept it as an illusion, thus, release myself from it. It's the stuff that I actually remember playing out in my past of this human lifetime that feels more sticky. Though, our past is simply illusion, too, unless we bring it into our NOW, which guilt and unresolved feelings around it have a tendency of doing. Acceptance truly allows resolution of anything.
All that I had to do, whether in dream state or what I think of as my "real" life, was accept that some part of me played a role that wasn't exactly noble or on the light side, and that ultimately it didn't really matter. It was just an experience--there was nothing wrong or right about it...period.
While my Judgmental, Limited Human Mind yelled, "That's NO WAY to be!", my I am self acceptingly said, "That IS a way to be. Thank you for playing that out for me. Thank you for the wisdom WE gained from our experience."
As the days have passed, I've realized more about the dream. The amount of $16 dollars is representative to me of the master number 44 (4 x 4 = 16). I also read a book several years back about the handful of common archetypal roles every human incarnates in with. One of those is the Victim, which I've found myself drawn to extensively write about in this blog. Another one is the Prostitute.
When I shared the gist of the dream with my brother, even he could relate to it, especially when applying it to how we humans conduct our personal lives and our business lives. The Prostitute is an influential role in pretty much every facet of a human's life, and will continue to affect humans as long as they're unaware of its existence.
We've been programmed to willingly prostitute ourselves in a form of slavery called a "job." Lately, I'm hearing the unawakened, highly generalized, refrain about "kids these days just don't want to work." It's stated generally by a workhorse personality whose identity (conditional acceptance of themselves) revolves around her/his job and how hard they work and how often their work ethic is taken for granted.
Have they considered that maybe these so-called kids have played the part of the conscientious worker in some other lifetime? That these young people of today are aware somewhere deep inside that life can be, and is, so much more than doing a job for someone else, than enslaving themselves to another being? Have they considered that maybe these young people aren't being lazy? That they're just aware of and open to new potentials of experience? This type of scenario would come about due to a rise in overall human consciousness...so maybe it should be celebrated?
Maybe many of these people have chosen to NOT BE A SLAVE to old mass consciousness expectations--and to do differently than the traditions of society is a COURAGEOUS endeavor. It's not for the faint of heart to decide to be and do differently. You get judged for being different. There is nothing wrong about the old or the new consciousness...and there is nothing right about either of them. They are all just various PATHS of EXPERIENCE.
The things we do to "earn a living"--the things we feel commited to do in order to honorably fulfill our part of an agreement with another party--well, let's just say they don't always feel so heroic--as graphically illustrated by my prostitute dream.
If you're willing to step back and look at it honestly, even the traditional marriage reflects the prostitute archetype. Even though I'm in a traditional marriage recognized by church and state, I would not get married that way ever again. Somedays I just want to burn the old paperwork because of its limitations that the two of us accepted. We don't need any other being refereeing or interfering in something that only the two of us are creating.
I trust the issue will resolve itself without me having to figure it all out or mess with any paperwork to undo something that was truly unwittingly done by the two of us in an old and limited consciousness. We got married because that's how we were raised, and we were afraid to rock the boat. We prostituted our own sovereignty in order to get the benefits of being recognized as a married couple.
I like and choose to be with my husband, and he with me, day by day and moment by moment... and still, I can feel into how it could be so much easier and more FREE to be able to be together or separate, to honor our individual paths without the paperwork and legal hassles of government and religious organizations being involved in an agreement between us two sovereign and awake people. Our relationship is our co-creation.
We don't have children. But marriage doesn't make a person a good parent. For me, a great parent is one who recognizes the child in their life as an equal being, with a life and passion all their own. Loving beings playing the role of parents set boundaries as needed in the moment and don't treat others as being better or lesser than themselves. So if children come from the union of two people, well, the sooner the two adults involved realize that the child they helped bring into incarnation is simply a sovereign being of their own right and not a piece of property for the parents to indoctrinate into their own way of thinking and to fight about and over, the better.
I digress. That last part popped in and raced off on another tangent. Obviously, I'm a bit passionate about it. Our relationships, intimate and otherwise, have the potential to be so much more enjoyable all the way around for everyone when we take a step back and open up our viewpoint to look at things in new, more FREEDOM HONORING ways. Just because something's been done a certain way for millenia doesn't mean it's fitting or even sane to continue doing now in this new consciousness. I'm ready for a change.
...and I'm receiving change. It's happening all around me and within me.
So my idea of mastery now is nothing compared to the expectations I had about what it would be like. Mastery simply means I'm aware that I'm the Creator of my experiences. I'm consciously living my own life now.
As a babe in the newness of the Master perspective, I'm sure to still have moments of finding myself seduced into playing some old situations out a few, even numerous more times, and...because of my expanded awareness, and with that, my ability to step back from the dramatic scene and see things more clearly, I'm able to flow it through my reality more easily and gracefully.
Even on days when I feel stuck in a situation, I KNOW I won't stay stuck for long anymore. I realize things just circle around to me over and over again until I've played it out and suddenly realize it doesn't really matter to me anymore...and with that realization--resolution!
In short, I'm finding I'm really not that hard to accept--not even my icky bits!
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