Pointing a finger at my abuser only goes so far, and then it points right back at me, along with these tapes running on repeat through my mind:
"That's no way to be."
"That's just wrong. You're wrong!" (I admit I got it wrong but how do I undo it?).
"You should have known better." (Yeah--I actually did know better at the time, but....)
"You're being selfish." (You may see it that way, but I'm finally being honest and speaking up).
And then there were Dad's feelings of guilt after Mom died and repeatedly saying about himself, "I had too much." This coming from a man who thought that he was unworthy and felt he should nobly suffer along with the sufferers around him.
A dear friend of his had this saying, "If I have two nickels and someone has none, I have ONE nickel too many." Dad gave BOTH of his nickels away....and suffered....and so did my mom who was trying to make ends meet raising a large family.
It's from his example that I learned the difference between empathy and compassion. Empathy is hauling around everyone else's burdens and pain like it's your own--suffering--but it changes nothing. It heals nothing. And people really don't like you "fixing" them.
Compassion is recognizing that people--Divine Sovereign Creator Beings--are choosing to have a Human experience, and while it may be painful to observe, you let them have their experience so they can gain the wisdom from it for their own soul in their own way and in their own time. You honor their sovereignty, and love and accept them at every point, even though you choose to disconnect from them when their actions no longer resonate with yourself.
This world is a chaotic-feeling mess and sometimes it's too damn easy for this human facet of mine to get sucked into playing in power games that I'd prefer to stay free of, and instead just live my own illuminated life. Kamala Harris's practice of not answering any straight forward question with a straight forward answer was really pissing me off. And she seems intent on punishing anyone else with a different viewpoint from her own under the guise of calling it "hateful speech" yet has no qualms about indulging in practicing it herself.
Then, to top it all off, all these assassination attempts on Donald Trump, and insane people applauding it, plus the actual assassination and injury of people attending his rallies. People are so out of their minds with a nurtured hatred of a man, that they won't open up to listen and feel into matters with their own hearts. They are supporting the killing of another human being based solely on believing lies and propaganda doled out by individuals scrabbling for power and control. This does not sit well with me. It's disheartening to watch and for me to feel....I am quite empathetic, after all....
I do appreciate Donald Trump. I can actually feel his love of our country and of people of all walks, and I don't wish to see him martyred in some political ploy. He has reacted heroically and mercifully over and over again. Nor do I wish it upon Ms. Harris or the mentally incompetent man sitting in office due to elder abuse of a person who clearly has dementia. Does anyone else wonder who's calling the shots in the name of our beloved homeland?
How many heroes does it take to change my world, my personal reality? Only one can actually do it for me--and that's me.....ordinary-seeming me....
After realizing that I needed to stay out of the fighting and keep my personal energy field open and flowing so the crap out there didn't stick and manifest in my own reality and to keep myself illuminated to my highest degree, I started a daily practice of taking a good deep breath and FEELING into being FREE.
It only takes me about 60 seconds, and sometimes when days feel a bit more stressful than others, I do it more than once. It shuts down the anger at the injustices and stupidity of blind humans. And more importantly, it shuts down the mentally accusing, self-torturing programming looping through my mind telling me I need to monitor and control my wayward, sinning, no-good, unworthy-of-even-existing self.
Yep, as realized as I am, as much as I've taken responsibility for everything in my life--"If it's in my life, I ALONE put it there and I'm getting some benefit, some form of service from it, or it wouldn't exist."--I've still had those moments of Crappy Self-Doubt taunting me as its self-accusations cruise on through my head.
I put it there--so how can someone causing me to feel guilty and ashamed be serving me? Still?
My outer world of mirrors reflects this inner turmoil of a conversation by me constantly being admonished or criticized by people in my life. The most painful ones being from loved ones and people I admire and respect and support. I often can't believe they are actually saying these things or behaving this way with me. I don't feel safe with them.
The ONLY way I could get beyond having done anything and everything wrong as a human being was to RELEASE all of it to my Soul--that facet of myself that gave birth to this temporary human self. This courageous human who became The Experiencer of infinite ways of being in order to help my consciousness get to know thyself better and to celebrate my eternal existence.
Justice cannot truly be done within the human realm alone--I needed the broadest perspective of my soul who doesn't judge its human partner. My soul celebrates the wisdom gained through all of the experiences--the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. It really doesn't care what I did to gain the understandings it gleans from me. My soul knows that I, the human, am just a temporary costume for a temporary story. The human dies, but the soul lives on forever.
By allowing myself to FEEL into being FREE, it allows me to let go of the stuff I can't humanly fix or seem to change--all that stuff I regret.
I relieve myself of all the burden and release it to my Soul, who distills all those icky details out--washes them all away--from all my experiences, revealing and leaving only the gem of experienced profound wisdom I couldn't have discovered without having immersed myself into such a confounding, shameful experience in the first place.
This is a key component to the whole sexual energy virus that has been my lifelong passion to resolve completely.
It's getting down to the energetic, conscious, self-aware core of what's truly happening within. As it is within, so it is without.
When my own childhood story surfaced and I allowed myself to finally write about it, I knew I had a perspective that was not very popular--I knew I gave myself the experience, and I knew the choice was made at a more divine level rather than the human one--what human would possibly allow themselves to choose these types of painful, shameful experiences, right? I remember going into something of a trance-like state at the time and becoming the observer.... Something deeper was going on within me....and I was making and taking notes....
Click on this link to read my story: Bring That Which Is Hidden Into the Light: Overcoming the Victimhood Addiction
I've had people thank me for writing it and others tell me that their experience was physically painful and therefore, different from my own--like they were more of a victim than I was, and for most of these years, I've been giving all these people the benefit of the doubt instead of myself. I've second-guessed myself constantly. Should I really be talking about this subject? Did I truly earn the right to speak about it?
In all fairness, I was not abducted or forced, and the one who played the role of my abuser actually apologized to me later on in life. When it surfaced for me to heal, I actually felt their remorse and their hellish punishment of themselves. I could have made that person's life way more of a living hell than it already was. But it just wasn't in me to do that. While I experienced both pain and pleasure, the fact that I addressed the pleasure aspect of it rather than the pain had me doubting myself and my own worthiness in speaking about molestation.
However, I now know that it's my special circumstances that has allowed me to go deeper and into the core of what was happening within me rather than focus my attention on the other person. That person had to live with what they had done....and believe me, it was far worse than the prisons and punishments doled out by others....An execution would have been a relief and a release.
It was never about my abuser. It was all about me. Knowing this about myself, how can I go on living, much less allow myself to have a joyfully abundant and easy life? Do I even deserve a graceful life?
I was never going to talk about my dirty little secret, ever. I hated it. I was so ashamed of myself for allowing it all to happen. I knew better, you see, and yet I still let it happen....I was a filthy, stinking human....
And that, my beloved Fellow Divine Human Beings--I'm referring here to every human--is the voice that has been cycling through my thoughts even up to this day. And my only way of going beyond it, releasing it, was to choose to give it all to my Soul and to practice, practice, practice Breathing and Feeling into just being FREE: of everything--my identity, my stories, my issues. Suddenly I'm just a pinpoint of self-awareness with my energies flowing and free. I just exist and it's easy, graceful, and smooth; empty of voices and accusations.
Don't jumble and junk it up with words and ideas--just open up and feel free....
I put myself through everything--but I have to be compassionate with myself about that, too, and therein lies my freedom....
We've been nurturing the Victim to the point of making it into an actual addiction--a way of being. It's a trap. There was no way out of that 180-degree swing of that pointing finger. It always came back to me.
I kept myself playing the victim by looking outside of myself and blaming someone else for what I put myself through. And when I finally accepted responsibility for creating the experience for myself, I forgot to extend to myself the compassion and forgiveness I was so quick to give another. I NEEDED that self-forgiveness to heal myself. The other person was a piece of cake compared to actually forgiving myself.
You see, I was still monitoring myself constantly. We're never ever going to do that again!
Inwardly, I was beating myself up for being a blind and stupid, overly-curious being, and that is what I was then radiating out to my world--so I just got MORE of it. More put-downs. More walking on eggshells for fear of doing or saying something wrong--and, even after all that, imperfect human that I am, I still managed to screw up from time to time.
It doesn't even make sense to berate oneself over something you didn't know or understand fully at the time, does it? Yep, my curiosity got the better of me and I got burned. I wouldn't condemn anyone else, child or adult, in this way so why did I do that with myself?
Sean Combs' alleged activities are the latest of the sexual abuse atrocities surfacing due to more Light illuminating the hidden, worst energy-feeding travesties in our world. I DO NOT CONDONE any of these malevolent activities, and as far as I'm concerned, those committing them deserve imprisonment for life. But asking his victims to accuse him isn't helping them to heal themselves of the core issue. Because, you see, in this case, his victims were often people who were desiring some fame for their entertainment talents, and he helped them get heard and established--for an awful price. They're ashamed....
This is the prostitute archetype within all of us humans that we're dealing with here. And that prostitute is going to be playing over and over within the victim's mind--claiming responsibility for selling themselves and telling them they deserved what they got. No one actually deserves that....but I can easily bet that that's the tape looping through the minds and hearts of every single victim....
I had a dream about being the prostitute on my knees servicing a line of men. I felt both disgusted with myself for allowing myself to do it and at the same time I felt committed to giving them the $16 worth of satisfaction I'd promised them....
This speaks of the imbalance between the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine that reside within every human, regardless of whether you're male or female. You have both. If it helps you embrace it, think of the two hemispheres of your brain. Each side has special traits and responsibilities for the balanced function of the whole--and they are connected by the corpus collosum. How's that for a marriage?
The Feminine had a part in creating this off-kiltered leaning towards the Masculine--what is called the sexual energy virus in consciousness--because she handed all the responsibility for, and sovereignty over Creation to the Masculine. Things weren't going as smoothly as she'd expected and she blamed herself for what she believed was failure on her part. She stepped down from the partnership. And things got wonky. It's so damn easy to criticize and blame that other guy, isn't it, when you aren't the one having to handle it?
So, it doesn't matter what gender we are here, that extreme polarization--separation-- between the divine masculine and the divine feminine within every single man and woman is unconsciously influencing the way our personal life manifests. It's why we've had such a patriarchal world. Its polar opposite--a matriarchal world may look different, but the extremism would be just as bad. It would still be imbalanced. We need to embrace both within--not choose one over the other.
We, as a collective of humanity, need to start providing a safe and sacred space for the victims to heal themselves so they can participate in life feeling the joy of taking responsibility for themselves and their own balanced well-being--by sharing how to change the inner conversation we're constantly engaged in. By reminding one another to have compassion for themselves in all their experiences. So each person can then eventually reach the point of having gratitude for themselves as a human--the gratitude that is already felt by their own soul.
I have watched over and over again as those who perceive themselves as the victims actually abuse themselves and those around them. They feed off the attention and energies of those outside of them rather than unconditionally accepting and taking care of themselves. They look outside themselves for validation instead of just letting themselves off the hook. Essentially, the unhealed victim ends up becoming the abuser. It may not be in the same fashion--it may be physical abuse or it may be emotional, mental, or even spiritual abuse. If it's not addressed, completely released, it will surface and manifest somehow, somewhere....
When you have no more victims, the need for an abuser role becomes obsolete....the sexual energy virus has served its purpose and is no longer necessary. Humanity can now ascend into new experiences for its soul....
Let's quit the self-torture and choose to open up to more abundantly joyful lives. That past was just a human having an experience for its soul--none of us really did anything wrong. Can you let it go? Are you willing to set yourself free, Victim?
My beloved--you're the only one who can....be your own hero....
Breathe and feel FREE.....